Kiff (2023–…): Season 1, Episode 17 - Everyday I'm Riddlin' Riddlin'/Life On The Inside - full transcript

[Announcer] Brought to you by
Howseman's Trash Can Polish.

For that Howseman gleam!

[Miss Deer Teacher]
Today, we're learning about

the digestive system,
with this!

We're going to stuff it with
hot dogs and fizzy drinks,

and see what happens.

Oh, Barry.

Barry, today might be the best
day of our educational lives!

Never did I imagine that we
would witness what goes on,

- on the inside.
- [magical tinkling]

Now where did I put
those 50 hot dogs?



[class murmuring and giggling]

[musical jingling]

Oh, snickerdoodle,
I left them in my truck!

Fifty hot burps coming
right up! [laughs]

[class laughing]

Think this is my first rodeo?

Everyone listen up!

I gotta duck out
for a hot minute,

but if anyone is out of their
seats when I return, anyone.

You'll go straight to detention
and miss this insane demo.

No exceptions.

[class cheers]

[rowdy rock music]

[student whooping]



[intestines rustling]

What? But, Miss Deer Teacher's
gonna be back any second.

[trash can clangs]

[student laughs]

Now let's just take
our seats, everyone.

Everyone calm down.

[class clamoring]

No one's listening.

Oh, they've slipped
into silly moods!

Oh, c'mon, not today.

Squirrel attack!

[trash can clanging]

[Kiff grunting]

[Kiff chomping]

[Kiff chomping]

[Kiff grunting]

[Kiff growling]

[ball popping]

Oh, yeah, I did it.
Oh, yeah, I--

Kiff Chatterley?

[suspenseful music]

[box thudding]

I'm very disappointed!

Guess Kiff's getting detention.

Oh, well, I--

You did say.

I did.

[sighing] Kiff, please report
to in-school detention.

- But--
- [Miss Deer Teacher] No buts!

Butts. [snickers]

Miss Deer Teacher, this
injustice will not stand!

If Kiff goes down, we all do!

Right?

No-- Not, not right?

[dramatic music]

Well, Kiff,
I'll see you on the inside.

[door slams]

[dramatic music]

[juice box crunching]

- Oh, hello
- The name's L--

- [scraping]
- E.

OK well I'm Bar--

E.

It's nice to meet ya!

L.E. seems nice.

Gotta get back to class,
we can't miss another second

of Miss Deer Teacher's
sweet, sweet, teachins.

Who's in charge here?

[clears throat]

Kiff Chatterley?

In detention?

[sighing] Sweepy Steve, there's
been a terrible mistake.

Oh my, let me consult
the detention manual.

Hmm, let's see here.

Hm, terrible mistake,
terrible mistake, turn to--

Oh, page 231.
OK here we go, here we go!

OK, so now I'm
supposed to say--

"Get back in your seat right now

and sit quietly for the
duration of detention!"

Ah!

Bye, everybody!
Kiff and I don't belong here,

so we're leaving--
And we're good to go?

OK, uh...
hello again, everybody.

We're not going anywhere.

Hi, Hi.

So, what'd you do
to get in 'ere?

Like, Gareth's in 'ere cos
he gleeked on a teacher.

Accidentally.

Miss Minty was in the wrong
place at the wrong time.

And I stole every eraser
outta Mister RiPeppa's class.

Every eraser?

Even the ones off the
number 2 pencils. [laughing]

Now everybody's making
mistakes, not just, me.

Yeah, so what, Amira? I did
an epic burp on a school bus.

That got you detention?

No, but then I spray-painted

"I burped on this bus,"
on the bus.

It was--
It was just so epic!

Hmm.

Whoa, you've missed a ton
of critical instruction,

you should be in
class, all of you.

We are in class.

A real class,
not just four walls.

C'mon, there's good
stuff going on out there.

I mean in MDT's class alone.

Intestines!
Hotdogs!

Questions!
Answers!

Well, I give knuckle sandwiches

to kids who don't
answer my questions.

So once again, what did
you do to get in 'ere?

Oh, I--

I got up out of my seat.

Show us.

[chair scraping]

[all] Ooh.

Hm toasty. [snickers]

This is crazy.

We can't miss the best
class of our lives

because we're stuck in here.

We're getting out.

[Mav] Getting out?

Oh-ho-ho, that's what
all the newbies say.

But I got news for ya, kid.

[adventurous music]

It's impossible.

What? Those plans had more holes
than a piece of Swiss cheese!

[dramatic musical sting]

[fists pounding]

Oh, boy, it's the universal
sign for mashed potatoes.

You think you can do better?

I'd like to try... together.

No kid belongs in here, let's
make like chips, and dip!

- Whoo!
- Oh, yeah? How?

[contemplative music]

[drums crashing]

[chuckling] Ol' Sweepy Steve,

always falling
asleep in sunbeams.

[contemplative music]

She's thinking.

By taking into account the
sun's position in the sky,

I infer that Sweepy Steve

will fall asleep
again in 6 minutes,

when a sunbeam will strike
through the second window.

Astronomy.

So what?

Oh, my good lamb,

if you do exactly as I
say when the time comes,

I'll have us
waltzing outta here.

No dancing in detention!
Hmm.

And... now.

Oh no, here we go--
[snores]

Well, wouldja look at that.

She doesn't disappoint, folks.

[eraser squeaking]

[Sweepy Pete mumbling
in his sleep]

OK, with these bad boys
at our desks instead of us,

it'll look like we're all
quietly doing detention

when Sweepy wakes up!

When the final beam
hits the last window,

we can be on our merry way
without anyone being suspicious.

[snoring]
Wha-- Suspicious?

Back in your seats.

[suspicious music]

Well. [groaning]

To avoid any dubious fancies
of getting out of here,

[Sweepy Pete groaning]

I'm just gonna position
my chair right here. Hmm.

Kiff, that sunbeam is not
gonna make contact with Sweeps!

Three pointer!

Don't wanna be a litter bug.

Well, there's your problem,
trash can's in the wrong place.

No wai--

[Sweepy Pete snores]

Trigonometry!

So what? He's sleeping right
against the door.

We can't get out anyways.

See? There's no
escaping detention.

[Sweepy Pete snores]

Time is ticking.

We don't need a
door when we have,

a much tinier door!

[all arguing]

We don't even have a ladder.

We don't need to get a ladder.

[grunting]

Yeah!

[chuckling]
Ever heard of gym class?

We are a ladder!

[all exclaim]

Our bodies are
capable of so much!

Look at us,
Cirque de Soufflé over here.

[snoring] Huh? What?

Ah.

[all cheering]

[triumphant music]

[bodies crashing]

[Mav groaning]

[Rosso crashing into the others]

Hey you bumped my wing,
ya big pillow.

I can't feel my flippers

[groaning]
The walls are closing in!

Being stuck in
detention was better

than being stuck in here.

We're jammed in like
a buncha hot dogs.

OK, we just need something
to propel us out of here,

something like a--

[gasping] Hey, Rosso!

- Yeah?
- Do your thing!

[echoing burping]

[Kiff yells]

Physics, baby!

I've got something for ya.

Not a knuckle sandwich!

I've never actually given
anyone a knuckle sandwich.

This is more of a
knuckle cannoli.

It's a real treat.

You've got smarts, squirrel.

Impressive.

Wait!
Where ya gonna go?

It's about time we started
thinking about our futures.

See you 'round, Kiff, Barry.

- I never got his name.
- Let's go.

Let's go!

Think you can eat this much
without dire consequences?

[laughs]

[intestine model straining]

This is it!

[intestine model grumbling]

[grate crashing]

[intestines exploding]

[hot dogs splattering]

[rumbling]

[hot dogs squelching]

Sneaking out?

And then sneaking back in,
and all this burping?

Well, you've not
only broken out,

you've broken... through.

[gentle music]

[eraser squeaking]

[papier mâché squishing]

...is like a tunnel, which is
like a cannoli with no filling.

Well, Kiff Chatterley, it
seems you've single-handedly

rehabilitated my
baddest of apples.

Oh, wow.

Aw, they're just kids.

And it was four hands,
PS, Barry helped.

Oh, wonderful!

Well done, Barry.

[military drumming]

[head thudding]

Back to your seat.

[theme music]