Kiff (2023–…): Season 1, Episode 18 - Weird Delivery/No Dad Ideas - full transcript

[opening theme song plays]

♪ Kiff ♪

♪ Kiff, Kiff ♪

♪ Kiff, Kiff, Kiff ♪

♪ Kiff, Kiff, Kiff, Kiff ♪

♪ Kiff, Kiff, Kiff ♪

♪ Kiff, Kiff, Kiff, Kiff ♪

♪ Kiff, Kiff, Kiff
Kiff, Kiff ♪

♪ Kiff ♪

[giggles]

[both laugh]



[Reggie] Brought to you
by GMW Catapults.

Table Town's
most popular catapult.

Thanks for coming over, you two.

I never could have finished
this sandwich on my own.

No problem, Reggie.

Yeah, well,
we love sub sandwiches,

we love helping people,
and we love our Reggie.

[both laugh]

[laughs and sighs]

So, what are you up to now?

My sister's gonna pick us up
in 20 minutes.

[Reggie] Yes, I see.

Have you gumdrops
ever tried Pretendo Time?

Wait, is this the thing
where you wear goggles



and feel like you're in
a virtual world?

Uh, I heard it makes you queasy.

I can tell you two
are skeptical,

but I've actually programmed
my own version of the software.

I call it "Reggie's World."

You can do anything
in Reggie's World.

See? I programmed this bit
to look just like my backyard.

[birds tweeting]

Yeah, but we could just go
into your actual backyard.

- It's right there.
- Typical small thinking.

That was just an example.

Think of something impossible
that you want to do,

and I will make it happen.

[laughing]

Ooh, I suppose it would
be pretty cool to fly.

- Ooh.
- We could fly over City Hall.

And see the top
of our houses' heads.

[chuckles] Child's play...

for Reggie's World.

[game music]

Barry?

Kiff?

Try flapping your arms.

Flap. Flap. Flap.

Flap. Flap.

Oh, I'm feeling a little queasy.

- What did you think?
- Um... good.

Yeah. You know, we weren't
expecting anything crazy.

For a game made by a kid
that was...

Yeah, that was pretty good.

So, my sister's gonna be here
pretty soon.

Yeah, we should probably
go wait for her outside.

Uh-huh, okay,
see you later.

That was not for me.

Oh, my gosh, me neither.

[chuckles] Reggie's so funny
about his computer, huh?

[nervous chuckle]

Yeah.

What?

Nothing. I just had the feeling
he was watching us.

- Oh.
- It would have been cool

to fly around
Table Town, though.

Eh, I guess we can just find
some aerial drone videos

- on the internet
when I get home.
- [stomach gurgling]

Oh. And when I get home

I'm gonna have a seltzer,

because my stomach
is not doing well.

Well, then that's our goal,
chum... to get home.

Ooh, I love it.

[Kiff] And the stakes
couldn't be higher.

Oh, finding your way home is
life-and-death stuff, for sure.

[engine revving distantly]

[revving continues]

Hey.

- [both scream]
- Terri.

Oh, second goggles of the day.

- [snaps fingers]
- Home, Jeeves.

Sorry, Kiff,
I got one last pizza delivery

before I can take you home.

[groans]

[upbeat music]

[helicopter whirring]

[tires screech]

[music continues]

Oh, what?

- What?
- Ugh!

This guy paid extra
for tableside delivery.

I gotta bring it inside
and serve it to him

or I don't get paid.

[keypad clicking]

So are you going in, or...?

I just wanna go home
and watch aerial drone videos

- on the Internet.
- Terri?

I happen to be texting
one of my best friends

about the current state
of the gig economy, okay?

If you want to deliver
the pizza, go right ahead.

[groans]

- [knocks]
- [door creaks]

Huh, guess it's open.

[both gasp]

[rope creaking]

Hello? Pizza delivery?

[both yelp]

[male voice] Yes. Hello.

I'm in the dining room.

Okay, let's deliver this pizza,
get the nuts and go home.

[heavy breathing]

[male voice] Yes, that's it.

You're almost
at the dining room.

This hallway is longer
than the one at school,

which is long.

[rope creaking]

This guy sure loves catapults.

[gasps]

Whoa, I think
that's George Meredith Willows.

The guy from all
the pictures in the hall?

Yes, it is I,
George Meredith Willows.

[laughs]

One large pepperoni?

Yes. Oh, I love pizza
for dinner, don't you?

No, no, no, no,
what are you doing?

- Tableside delivery?
- Not like that.

Use the catapult.

[Barry laughs nervously]

[whispers]
What is happening?

Whatever will speed this along.
I gotta get home.

[clicks]

[laughs]

[coughing]

Do you like my catapult?

Sure.

I invented the catapult,
you know.

Catapults paid for all of this.

Oh, wow.
Can we get our money, please?

[George]
What's your hurry?

Anything worthwhile takes time.

An education, a good meal,
an entertaining game.

If I was impatient...

[laughs]

I never would have invented
the catapult.

[chomps, smacks lips]

And now everyone has one
on their dining room table.

- No, they don't.
- They don't?

Then how did I make
all of my money?

Look, I don't care
about catapults.

- [gasps]
- I mean, it's cool that you do,

but my friend and I here, we...

We've had a very long,
weird day.

He's feeling queasy,
and I'm just trying to get home

so I can watch aerial drone
videos on the Internet.

Oh, you want your money,
is that it?

[mockingly] Where's my money?
Give me my money?

That's all your generation
cares about.

Follow me.

Follow me!

When I was young, it was--
it was an honor to have an elder

share with me the secrets
of the universe.

I think he's mad at us.

Him? Mad at us?

This was supposed to be
a quick delivery, in and out.

Do you realize how much
emotional labor

- we're doing right now?
- [laughter]

[door shuts]

Are we supposed to follow him?

I'm not staying in this hallway
for the rest of my life.

Come on, Barry.

The sooner we go in there,
the sooner we get home.

[Barry whimpers]

George Meredith Willows?

- [door creaks]
- Hello?

- The door, the door!
- [Kiff] Ah!

- [Barry] What is happening?
- [Kiff] The floor is moving.

[Barry] Hold on. Hold on.

Oh, no. He really is mad at us.

[Barry] He's gonna toss us
like two slices of pizza!

I just want to go home!

[gasps] Look, look!

[laughing]

No, wait! Please don't do this!

[slurps] Bye!

[both scream]

[helicopter whirring]

I guess this is the end, Barry!

Goodbye, Kiff!
You've been an amazing friend!

You too, pal! I love you!

I love you so much!

It's taking a long time
to hit the ground!

[Barry screaming]

Yeah, that was
a pretty powerful catapult.

Hey, there's City Hall.

[Barry] Aw.

[exclaims]

Barry, we're flying!

Whoa!

[both laugh]

[Barry] Oh, yeah! Whoa.

[Kiff]
Look! There's your house!

[Barry] Aw, my frisbee.

[Kiff] Whoo!

[both laugh]

But how?

This is impossible.
I-- I-- I don't understand.

I don't understand.

I don't... I don't understand.

I don't under...

Kiff, it was Reggie's World
whole time.

Holy mackerel!

The mansion. The pizza.
The catapult.

It was all Reggie!

Oh, it was nothing.

Reggie, you're a genius!

[both chanting]
Reggie! Reggie! Reggie! Reggie!

Reggie. Reggie. Reggie.

[laughs]

Yeah.