Kiff (2023–…): Season 1, Episode 16 - Fresh Outta Grandmas/Maybe-sitting - full transcript
Tensions rise when the crew gets wrapped up in a new collection craze; when Kiff shadows Harry and Terri as they watch Kristophe, she learns that being in charge is not so easy.
♪ Kiff ♪
♪ Kiff, Kiff ♪
♪ Kiff, Kiff, Kiff ♪
♪ Kiff, Kiff, Kiff, Kiff ♪
♪ Kiff, Kiff, Kiff ♪
♪ Kiff, Kiff, Kiff, Kiff ♪
♪ Kiff, Kiff, Kiff
Kiff, Kiff ♪
♪ Kiff ♪
[giggles]
[both laugh]
[announcer] Brought to you
by the Wall of Goat.
We have spoken.
[wind gusting]
Wow, Kiff.
Your fingies are so fancy.
Oh, these old things?
Just added a bit of glitter.
- Whoa!
- It's nothing.
Kiff's right. Her fingies
are absolutely nothing.
On the other hand,
I had my daddy's designers
stylize my fingies.
- And on the other other hand...
- [all gasp]
I have four more fingies
than Kiff.
[rubber squelching]
Not only do I have
all these fingies,
but I have 40 rare
collectible fingies
in my deluxe fingie sack.
One for each finger and toe.
Those numbers don't add up.
Hey, guys, my fingies are just
as good as Kiff's and Reggie's.
See?
[all] Fingie fight!
Fingie fight!
There.
[grunts] Hmm?
Fingie fight!
Fingie fight!
No!
Oh, no.
Not another collecting craze.
- [all gasp]
- You can't do this.
Fingies are our babies.
No, no, no, no,
I've heard that before.
You said the same thing
about dabbles.
What are dabbles?
What? Are you serious?
Last week, you were all
obsessed with dabbles.
And before that, it was bonkos.
Dabbles, major knarcks,
snofters, pandanimals,
scruddies, grunches,
plomps, bullfumes,
slim daddios, gingi pots,
and bricks.
Now you're just making
random noises.
Anyway, we can't live
without fingies!
[all] Fingies are our babies!
Fingies are our babies!
[sighs] I guess you're gonna
to have to throw these out too.
No, I'm only throwing away fingies.
You can keep whatever those are.
Or put them back in the trash
where you found them.
As for the rest of you,
fingies are banned.
As I was saying,
today is Family Tree Day.
As we draw our family trees,
remember that each branch represents
a different family member.
Any questions? Yes, Kiff?
Can I have an extra branch
for the "grandma" section?
I have two grandmas,
plus a bonus grandma.
I help the old lady across
the street clean her gutters.
She gives me hard candy
as a reward.
[all gasp and exclaim]
- Whoa!
- Yes!
Um, I'm actually a child
of divorce,
so I have four grandmas.
Wow. Four grandmas.
Isn't that cute.
I have two moms
who both have two moms
who are both divorced,
so I have eight grandmas.
[all cheer]
And one of my grandmas
is in a knitting club
with five other old ladies.
That's 13 grandmas.
You can't just claim
any old lady willy-nilly.
I bet you wouldn't like it
if I started
calling Miss Deer Teacher grandma.
I'm 33.
I'm just saying,
it should be against the rules.
Hello, all.
Just checking in
to make sure
that there are no
new crazes a-brewin'.
- Nope.
- And you're all coping fine
after the recent loss
of your fingies?
What are fingies?
It looks like I've successfully
nipped this in the bud.
Thank you all for coming.
Before we get
to the ground rules,
I'd like to thank Trevor
for letting us borrow
his photo album
of every grandma in Table Town.
And no, he will not explain
why or how he has these.
Moving on.
The rules to Gram Grabs
are simple.
No doubles,
no Tuft Pierre grandmas,
no great-aunts, and once
you've been given a hard candy,
that grandma has been grabbed.
- Everyone got it?
- May the best granddaughter win.
Don't worry. She will.
- Wait.
- Go!
[annoucer]
Knitting gram, grabbed!
Huh? Ah...
Oh, good job!
Good job!
[announcer]
Clean your plate gram, grabbed!
...and then I went all the way
down to the cemetery,
and the grave
was already empty.
Oh!
[announcer]
Shady past gram, grabbed!
This has been so fun, girl.
You're the coolest.
[announcer]
Incredibly young gram, grabbed!
And don't even get me started
on grandkids who never call.
[overlapped chatter]
[muttering]
And the winner is...
- Kiff.
- Yes!
Why?
And also Reggie. It's a tie.
[angry chatter]
Barry, you and I
are basically family, right?
Of course.
We win!
Barry and I are family,
which means I have claim
to his grandmas.
That's completely unfair, Kiff.
Wait, does that mean
the rest of us
can combine our grandmas, too?
That's completely fair, Kiff.
- You can't do that!
- Yes, we can.
Me and Richie are just as close
as you and Barry.
- [gasps]
- How dare you!
Our friendship fuels
the passion of poets!
Well, I'm feeling pretty close
to Reggie right now too.
I think of him as a brother.
And I rarely think of Trevor,
but I'll happily
take his grannies.
A tie? Again?
[overlapped shouting]
This is getting us nowhere.
What we need
is a rational third party
to decide this tiebreaker.
You don't mean--
The Greek oracle-
slash-psychic hive mind
known as the Wall of Goat?
Yeah. I do.
[Wall of Goat]
Welcome, children.
We will now sing a song
explaining what we do.
That's okay.
But don't you want
to hear our song?
[Reggie]
You're a psychic hive mind
that helps people with problems.
Pretty easy concept
to wrap your head around.
Perhaps there is someone
in your party who does not know?
Everyone here knows, sir.
Sirs.
Just skip to the advice, please.
Oh, we rehearse the song every
night before we go beddie-byes.
It would be really nice to sing.
Okay. You can.
♪ Clippity clop
Clippity clop
Clippity clop ♪
♪ Clippity, clippity
Clippity clop ♪
♪ Clippity clop
Clippity clop ♪
♪ Clippity, clippity
Clippity clop ♪
♪ We are Goat
The Wall of Goat ♪
♪ The oracle known
As the Wall of Goat ♪
♪ If a question's living
Inside your throat ♪
♪ Bring it forth
To the Wall of Goat ♪
♪ Clippity clop
Clippity clop ♪
♪ Clippity, clippity
Clippity clop ♪
♪ Clippity clop
Clippity clop ♪
♪ Clippity, clippity
Clippity ♪
♪ We clip and we clop ♪
♪ Upon this rock ♪
♪ Are you listening?
We can tell you're not ♪
♪ We've been here
Since the dawn of time ♪
♪ And look at us
We're still in our prime ♪
♪ Clippity clop
Clippity clop ♪
♪ We are goat and you are not
Clippity clop ♪
♪ Clippity clop
We are goat and you are not ♪
Now, what is your conflict?
Well, it started this morning...
[Reggie] ...I have two moms
who both have two moms...
...you see, once you've been
given a hard candy,
that Gram is grabbed...
...and now we need someone
to decide this tiebreaker.
The only way to break the tie
is to collect the rarest
grandma of all:
- Lady Lorraine.
- [all gasp]
[announcer]
Lady Lorraine...
The grandma
who hates children.
You must journey
to the outskorts of town.
Whoever grabs this gram
will be crowned the winner.
[Barry]
Don't you mean the outskirts?
We have spoken.
[all panting]
[pounding on door]
[Lorraine] Who's there?
Oh. Children.
Yes, but adorable children.
Well, most of us, at least.
We're all adorable children
who want to wait on you
hand and foot.
- We'll trim your lawn.
- We'll shovel your driveway.
Just one piece of hard candy!
[Lorraine] Nobody's home,
except for me and my slingshot.
Ugh. Team meeting.
Lady Lorraine really hates kids.
But how does she feel
about other grandmas?
[woman, on phone] Hello?
Could I interest you
and your finely aged friends
in an Outskorts
early bird special?
[bus horn blares]
- [all coughing]
- Early bird special?
- Come on, girls!
- What the--?
Welcome, ladies.
[Lorraine] Oh!
Oh, I do hate kids,
but this is looking like
a pretty nice garden party.
Hey, Gladys.
Lorraine!
No, wait!
I love garden parties.
Here, have a candy.
We... We won Gram Grabs!
[announcer]
Children hating Gram, grabbed!
[excited cheering]
No!
Gram Grabs?
You know, we were collecting you
for a game.
[gasps]
[indistinct chatter]
I knew it.
This is exactly why I hate kids!
[all screaming]
- Kiff?
- [gasps]
[Kiff]
Clean Gutters Gram.
I mean, uh, Miss Rogers.
Were you only cleaning
my gutters for a game?
- [explosion]
- I thought you liked
spending time with me.
Of course, we do.
You guys are our... our...
Um, we were treating these
ladies like disposable objects.
[explosion]
Maybe we don't deserve
Lady Lorraine's candy.
[sighs]
Can I borrow a hankie?
[all gasp]
Is that what I think it is?
Straight from
Sneezy Grandma's purse.
Does that mean we win?
No, Reggie. No one wins.
Look at us.
All these grandmas want is
a little kindness and company.
Except for Lorraine,
who is a monster.
[grunts]
We used them for a game.
We owe all these grandmas,
except Lorraine, our respect.
And an apology. Except Lorraine.
[all] We're sorry, Grandmas.
- [all scream]
- [Lorraine] What?
You've never seen someone
throw a mannequin before?
- [tires squeal]
- Go on! Get out! Get out!
Come on, Ralph, let's go home.
[laughs]
So, how'd you do
on kid bingo?
Not bad.
Not bad at all.
[announcer]
Table Town's greatest yogurt
♪ Kiff, Kiff ♪
♪ Kiff, Kiff, Kiff ♪
♪ Kiff, Kiff, Kiff, Kiff ♪
♪ Kiff, Kiff, Kiff ♪
♪ Kiff, Kiff, Kiff, Kiff ♪
♪ Kiff, Kiff, Kiff
Kiff, Kiff ♪
♪ Kiff ♪
[giggles]
[both laugh]
[announcer] Brought to you
by the Wall of Goat.
We have spoken.
[wind gusting]
Wow, Kiff.
Your fingies are so fancy.
Oh, these old things?
Just added a bit of glitter.
- Whoa!
- It's nothing.
Kiff's right. Her fingies
are absolutely nothing.
On the other hand,
I had my daddy's designers
stylize my fingies.
- And on the other other hand...
- [all gasp]
I have four more fingies
than Kiff.
[rubber squelching]
Not only do I have
all these fingies,
but I have 40 rare
collectible fingies
in my deluxe fingie sack.
One for each finger and toe.
Those numbers don't add up.
Hey, guys, my fingies are just
as good as Kiff's and Reggie's.
See?
[all] Fingie fight!
Fingie fight!
There.
[grunts] Hmm?
Fingie fight!
Fingie fight!
No!
Oh, no.
Not another collecting craze.
- [all gasp]
- You can't do this.
Fingies are our babies.
No, no, no, no,
I've heard that before.
You said the same thing
about dabbles.
What are dabbles?
What? Are you serious?
Last week, you were all
obsessed with dabbles.
And before that, it was bonkos.
Dabbles, major knarcks,
snofters, pandanimals,
scruddies, grunches,
plomps, bullfumes,
slim daddios, gingi pots,
and bricks.
Now you're just making
random noises.
Anyway, we can't live
without fingies!
[all] Fingies are our babies!
Fingies are our babies!
[sighs] I guess you're gonna
to have to throw these out too.
No, I'm only throwing away fingies.
You can keep whatever those are.
Or put them back in the trash
where you found them.
As for the rest of you,
fingies are banned.
As I was saying,
today is Family Tree Day.
As we draw our family trees,
remember that each branch represents
a different family member.
Any questions? Yes, Kiff?
Can I have an extra branch
for the "grandma" section?
I have two grandmas,
plus a bonus grandma.
I help the old lady across
the street clean her gutters.
She gives me hard candy
as a reward.
[all gasp and exclaim]
- Whoa!
- Yes!
Um, I'm actually a child
of divorce,
so I have four grandmas.
Wow. Four grandmas.
Isn't that cute.
I have two moms
who both have two moms
who are both divorced,
so I have eight grandmas.
[all cheer]
And one of my grandmas
is in a knitting club
with five other old ladies.
That's 13 grandmas.
You can't just claim
any old lady willy-nilly.
I bet you wouldn't like it
if I started
calling Miss Deer Teacher grandma.
I'm 33.
I'm just saying,
it should be against the rules.
Hello, all.
Just checking in
to make sure
that there are no
new crazes a-brewin'.
- Nope.
- And you're all coping fine
after the recent loss
of your fingies?
What are fingies?
It looks like I've successfully
nipped this in the bud.
Thank you all for coming.
Before we get
to the ground rules,
I'd like to thank Trevor
for letting us borrow
his photo album
of every grandma in Table Town.
And no, he will not explain
why or how he has these.
Moving on.
The rules to Gram Grabs
are simple.
No doubles,
no Tuft Pierre grandmas,
no great-aunts, and once
you've been given a hard candy,
that grandma has been grabbed.
- Everyone got it?
- May the best granddaughter win.
Don't worry. She will.
- Wait.
- Go!
[annoucer]
Knitting gram, grabbed!
Huh? Ah...
Oh, good job!
Good job!
[announcer]
Clean your plate gram, grabbed!
...and then I went all the way
down to the cemetery,
and the grave
was already empty.
Oh!
[announcer]
Shady past gram, grabbed!
This has been so fun, girl.
You're the coolest.
[announcer]
Incredibly young gram, grabbed!
And don't even get me started
on grandkids who never call.
[overlapped chatter]
[muttering]
And the winner is...
- Kiff.
- Yes!
Why?
And also Reggie. It's a tie.
[angry chatter]
Barry, you and I
are basically family, right?
Of course.
We win!
Barry and I are family,
which means I have claim
to his grandmas.
That's completely unfair, Kiff.
Wait, does that mean
the rest of us
can combine our grandmas, too?
That's completely fair, Kiff.
- You can't do that!
- Yes, we can.
Me and Richie are just as close
as you and Barry.
- [gasps]
- How dare you!
Our friendship fuels
the passion of poets!
Well, I'm feeling pretty close
to Reggie right now too.
I think of him as a brother.
And I rarely think of Trevor,
but I'll happily
take his grannies.
A tie? Again?
[overlapped shouting]
This is getting us nowhere.
What we need
is a rational third party
to decide this tiebreaker.
You don't mean--
The Greek oracle-
slash-psychic hive mind
known as the Wall of Goat?
Yeah. I do.
[Wall of Goat]
Welcome, children.
We will now sing a song
explaining what we do.
That's okay.
But don't you want
to hear our song?
[Reggie]
You're a psychic hive mind
that helps people with problems.
Pretty easy concept
to wrap your head around.
Perhaps there is someone
in your party who does not know?
Everyone here knows, sir.
Sirs.
Just skip to the advice, please.
Oh, we rehearse the song every
night before we go beddie-byes.
It would be really nice to sing.
Okay. You can.
♪ Clippity clop
Clippity clop
Clippity clop ♪
♪ Clippity, clippity
Clippity clop ♪
♪ Clippity clop
Clippity clop ♪
♪ Clippity, clippity
Clippity clop ♪
♪ We are Goat
The Wall of Goat ♪
♪ The oracle known
As the Wall of Goat ♪
♪ If a question's living
Inside your throat ♪
♪ Bring it forth
To the Wall of Goat ♪
♪ Clippity clop
Clippity clop ♪
♪ Clippity, clippity
Clippity clop ♪
♪ Clippity clop
Clippity clop ♪
♪ Clippity, clippity
Clippity ♪
♪ We clip and we clop ♪
♪ Upon this rock ♪
♪ Are you listening?
We can tell you're not ♪
♪ We've been here
Since the dawn of time ♪
♪ And look at us
We're still in our prime ♪
♪ Clippity clop
Clippity clop ♪
♪ We are goat and you are not
Clippity clop ♪
♪ Clippity clop
We are goat and you are not ♪
Now, what is your conflict?
Well, it started this morning...
[Reggie] ...I have two moms
who both have two moms...
...you see, once you've been
given a hard candy,
that Gram is grabbed...
...and now we need someone
to decide this tiebreaker.
The only way to break the tie
is to collect the rarest
grandma of all:
- Lady Lorraine.
- [all gasp]
[announcer]
Lady Lorraine...
The grandma
who hates children.
You must journey
to the outskorts of town.
Whoever grabs this gram
will be crowned the winner.
[Barry]
Don't you mean the outskirts?
We have spoken.
[all panting]
[pounding on door]
[Lorraine] Who's there?
Oh. Children.
Yes, but adorable children.
Well, most of us, at least.
We're all adorable children
who want to wait on you
hand and foot.
- We'll trim your lawn.
- We'll shovel your driveway.
Just one piece of hard candy!
[Lorraine] Nobody's home,
except for me and my slingshot.
Ugh. Team meeting.
Lady Lorraine really hates kids.
But how does she feel
about other grandmas?
[woman, on phone] Hello?
Could I interest you
and your finely aged friends
in an Outskorts
early bird special?
[bus horn blares]
- [all coughing]
- Early bird special?
- Come on, girls!
- What the--?
Welcome, ladies.
[Lorraine] Oh!
Oh, I do hate kids,
but this is looking like
a pretty nice garden party.
Hey, Gladys.
Lorraine!
No, wait!
I love garden parties.
Here, have a candy.
We... We won Gram Grabs!
[announcer]
Children hating Gram, grabbed!
[excited cheering]
No!
Gram Grabs?
You know, we were collecting you
for a game.
[gasps]
[indistinct chatter]
I knew it.
This is exactly why I hate kids!
[all screaming]
- Kiff?
- [gasps]
[Kiff]
Clean Gutters Gram.
I mean, uh, Miss Rogers.
Were you only cleaning
my gutters for a game?
- [explosion]
- I thought you liked
spending time with me.
Of course, we do.
You guys are our... our...
Um, we were treating these
ladies like disposable objects.
[explosion]
Maybe we don't deserve
Lady Lorraine's candy.
[sighs]
Can I borrow a hankie?
[all gasp]
Is that what I think it is?
Straight from
Sneezy Grandma's purse.
Does that mean we win?
No, Reggie. No one wins.
Look at us.
All these grandmas want is
a little kindness and company.
Except for Lorraine,
who is a monster.
[grunts]
We used them for a game.
We owe all these grandmas,
except Lorraine, our respect.
And an apology. Except Lorraine.
[all] We're sorry, Grandmas.
- [all scream]
- [Lorraine] What?
You've never seen someone
throw a mannequin before?
- [tires squeal]
- Go on! Get out! Get out!
Come on, Ralph, let's go home.
[laughs]
So, how'd you do
on kid bingo?
Not bad.
Not bad at all.
[announcer]
Table Town's greatest yogurt