Kiff (2023–…): Season 1, Episode 14 - Friendship in the Time of Cheese Caves/Soup Opera - full transcript
Kiff attempts to help Candle and Trevor with their new friendship; Miss Deer Teacher goes to Kiff for dating advice, not knowing Kiff has been getting her tips from a soap opera.
NARRATOR:
Brought to you by...
Frooty Tooty Hand Sanitizer.
Because you don't know
where things have been.
- (school bell rings)
- (indistinct chatter)
Wait...
Uh, Miss Deer Teacher,
you forgot to assign homework.
I did? (chuckles)
Well, I have a big date tonight.
I guess my mind is elsewhere.
Mind, come back! (giggles)
Wish me luck!
OK, well, good luck!
(kernels popping)
- (microwave beeping)
- (door clicks)
(Martin exclaims)
You all right there, Kiff?
I don't have any homework.
Oh, that's great...
...ly disappointing. Very sad.
But, it looks like
you're in luck.
Smoldering Cove's
about to start.
- (soft music plays)
- Ugh, what's that, a soap opera?
Oh, brother.
NARRATOR: Last time
on Smoldering Cove...
(suspenseful music plays)
Why crash Chase's
birthday party?
He's marrying Mindy!
She doesn't remember
that he faked his own death.
Oh, my gosh!
Just wait until
you meet Marlina.
She's beautiful, but she
doesn't know it, because...
amnesia.
Marlina,
that's salt!
I'm sorry, it's just...
I have that big date tonight,
and I guess
my mind is elsewhere.
Mind, come back!
Wish me luck.
That's strange.
Just like Miss Deer Teacher.
She's one hopeless romantic,
that Marlina Deena Turina.
No way! M.D.T.?
(chuckles) They have
the same initials.
(romantic music plays)
Oh, let me get that for you.
(gasps) Oh, no! I'm so sorry.
(shudders)
(music continues)
Oh, no, I'm allergic!
(sneezing loudly)
(sneezing continues)
(sniffles)
(glass breaks)
Giancarlo!
Wait!
(dramatic undertones)
(soft piano melody plays)
How's about a do-over, baby?
But maybe next time, no soup.
(romantic music plays)
KIFF: What a disaster.
What a recovery, huh.
And so the skeptic
becomes the believer.
(school bell rings)
SECRETARY PRINCE:
OK, spill. How'd it go?
MISS DEER TEACHER:
Oh, it was an absolute disaster.
SECRETARY PRINCE:
What happened?
I mean, I've had a lot
of bad dates before,
but this one took
the cake and the cookies.
So, he took me to dinner
at Cafe Penguino.
- SECRETARY PRINCE: Uh-huh.
- MISS DEER TEACHER:
And I tried to be polite
and pull out his chair,
but he fell.
Wait a minute.
Then I felt bad, right?
So I picked him a flower, but,
- he's allergic.
- He's allergic.
- And then I--
- You spilled soup on his pants!
Yeah.
How did you know that?
(exhales) You wouldn't
believe me if I told you.
Let me ask you this.
Did you also spill soup
on your pants?
Uh, no?
Trust me. It'll work.
Yeah, there's no way
she's doing that.
True love can be messy,
but isn't it worth the risk?
(doorbell rings)
Oh, it's you.
Um, hello, Dante.
Well, have you come
to spill soup
on my pants again?
(chuckles)
Just one sec.
(grunts)
(dramatic undertones)
(soft piano melody plays)
Oh, would you like
to grab a cup of coffee?
(school bell rings)
Kiff Chatterley,
I don't know how you did it,
- but it worked!
- (gasps)
No way! You did the soup thing?
I did the soup thing.
And now we're doing
movie night at his place.
(energetic music plays)
Wait, wait, according
to yesterday's episode--
- Episode?
- Wha... Oh, did I say episode?
(snorts) Silly me,
I meant the dating scene.
Ah, you know how it is,
you gotta bring something
to the table.
Like a board game
and a screwdriver
and some mason jars.
To watch a movie?
Mm-kay.
(crickets chirping)
(peaceful music plays)
DANTE: Oh.
I guess that's the end.
MISS DEER TEACHER:
Guess so.
(gasps) Wait a minute.
Mason jars!
DANTE: Wow!
But how will they breathe?
Ta-da!
Whoa! OK.
But what are we gonna do
if we can't watch the movie?
I have a board game!
Who are you? Oh!
(romantic music plays)
Trust me.
(bees buzzing)
(music ends)
- (remote clicks)
- Mm-hmm.
MISS DEER TEACHER:
I know, right?
And then Dante asked me to go
away with him this weekend.
(gasps) That's so romantic.
You gotta go!
You sure?
It's at a secluded cabin.
No hot water. No cell service.
- Secluded?
- Yeah, for privacy.
It'll be really dark.
Perfect for stargazing.
No one around
to hear you scream--
With joy!
Huh, what do I know?
Not exactly like I've been
on a lot of dates.
But I mean, I don't know.
Sure, the dates have been great.
But it's only been a week or so.
Are things moving too fast?
He also asked me to bring all
my files and personal records.
He's planning for the future.
Well, that is thoughtful,
and he did promise a surprise.
And you've yet
to steer me wrong.
OK, I'll go.
I'm just so happy for you,
and for me,
the person who
made this all happen.
I'm responsible for this!
- (music fanfare)
- Just in time!
(in unison) Welcome back
to Smoldering Cove!
(romantic music plays)
- (tires swerve)
- (engine revs)
(fire crackling)
(romantic music fades)
(dramatic undertones)
Giancarlo, baby!
Why am I tied up?
What's going on?
I made you
fall in love with me.
(undertone sharpens)
And then I brought you here
to this remote location
at the edge of the cove.
And waited patiently
for you to fall asleep,
so that I could steal
your identity.
(gasps) Not my identity!
Exactly! Soon, it will be mine!
(laughs maniacally)
(coughs, wheezes)
Saw that coming.
Oh, no! Miss Deer Teacher's
gone away with the villain!
I'm responsible for this!
(Giancarlo clears throat)
Now, I'm going to make
a hot tea
with honey, ginger, and lemon
to take care of this cough.
But when I return,
your identity will be mine!
(Marlina gasps)
(coughs) I gotta stop yelling.
(bell tolling)
They're ending on a cliffhanger?
I know, and the next episode
doesn't come out till Monday.
But Miss Deer Teacher's
living this nightmare right now!
Wait, what?
I'll fill you in in the car,
but we gotta go!
It's a soap-mergency!
(sharp undertone)
(microwave hums)
- (kernels popping)
- KIFF: Dad!
(dramatic undertone)
(brakes chirp)
(thunder cracks)
Dad, we gotta break
the door down!
You don't have to tell me twice!
(drill whirring)
- (door clatters)
- (Martin grunts)
Watch your toes! Easy! Easy!
(Martin grunts)
(both yelling)
Eat water, cough drop!
- (Kiff yelling)
- (Dante exclaims)
The paperwork!
What is going on here?
Back up, Miss Deer Teacher,
this man's an identity thief!
An identity thief! Where?
What? No!
He took me away for the weekend
to do my taxes.
That was the surprise.
Taxes?
- Taxes?
- Taxes.
Then why were you
lights out in a chair?
Well, I dozed off.
Taxes are really boring.
OK, well, that's fair.
Well, why were you rubbing
your evil hands together,
evilly, like this?
(sinister muttering)
I was using hand sani.
I don't know where
her receipts have been.
I did not see that coming.
Popcorn?
So everything's OK?
Dante seems... hmm...
Yeah, Dante...
he's not "the one."
I mean, sure, we had these
insanely perfect dates
and it was nice to have plans,
but looking back,
I made the dates fun.
He's kind of dull.
Ooh, well, sorry for meddling.
You live and you learn.
I just know there's someone
out there for you,
Miss Deer Teacher.
Maybe. Maybe not.
But that's OK.
I should probably take
some time
to focus
on what's most important.
Finding someone new?
Loving myself.
Or that. You could do that too.
Yep.
(peaceful music plays)
I'll have the soup,
for one.
(peaceful music fades)
(romantic snippet plays)
(closing theme plays)
Brought to you by...
Frooty Tooty Hand Sanitizer.
Because you don't know
where things have been.
- (school bell rings)
- (indistinct chatter)
Wait...
Uh, Miss Deer Teacher,
you forgot to assign homework.
I did? (chuckles)
Well, I have a big date tonight.
I guess my mind is elsewhere.
Mind, come back! (giggles)
Wish me luck!
OK, well, good luck!
(kernels popping)
- (microwave beeping)
- (door clicks)
(Martin exclaims)
You all right there, Kiff?
I don't have any homework.
Oh, that's great...
...ly disappointing. Very sad.
But, it looks like
you're in luck.
Smoldering Cove's
about to start.
- (soft music plays)
- Ugh, what's that, a soap opera?
Oh, brother.
NARRATOR: Last time
on Smoldering Cove...
(suspenseful music plays)
Why crash Chase's
birthday party?
He's marrying Mindy!
She doesn't remember
that he faked his own death.
Oh, my gosh!
Just wait until
you meet Marlina.
She's beautiful, but she
doesn't know it, because...
amnesia.
Marlina,
that's salt!
I'm sorry, it's just...
I have that big date tonight,
and I guess
my mind is elsewhere.
Mind, come back!
Wish me luck.
That's strange.
Just like Miss Deer Teacher.
She's one hopeless romantic,
that Marlina Deena Turina.
No way! M.D.T.?
(chuckles) They have
the same initials.
(romantic music plays)
Oh, let me get that for you.
(gasps) Oh, no! I'm so sorry.
(shudders)
(music continues)
Oh, no, I'm allergic!
(sneezing loudly)
(sneezing continues)
(sniffles)
(glass breaks)
Giancarlo!
Wait!
(dramatic undertones)
(soft piano melody plays)
How's about a do-over, baby?
But maybe next time, no soup.
(romantic music plays)
KIFF: What a disaster.
What a recovery, huh.
And so the skeptic
becomes the believer.
(school bell rings)
SECRETARY PRINCE:
OK, spill. How'd it go?
MISS DEER TEACHER:
Oh, it was an absolute disaster.
SECRETARY PRINCE:
What happened?
I mean, I've had a lot
of bad dates before,
but this one took
the cake and the cookies.
So, he took me to dinner
at Cafe Penguino.
- SECRETARY PRINCE: Uh-huh.
- MISS DEER TEACHER:
And I tried to be polite
and pull out his chair,
but he fell.
Wait a minute.
Then I felt bad, right?
So I picked him a flower, but,
- he's allergic.
- He's allergic.
- And then I--
- You spilled soup on his pants!
Yeah.
How did you know that?
(exhales) You wouldn't
believe me if I told you.
Let me ask you this.
Did you also spill soup
on your pants?
Uh, no?
Trust me. It'll work.
Yeah, there's no way
she's doing that.
True love can be messy,
but isn't it worth the risk?
(doorbell rings)
Oh, it's you.
Um, hello, Dante.
Well, have you come
to spill soup
on my pants again?
(chuckles)
Just one sec.
(grunts)
(dramatic undertones)
(soft piano melody plays)
Oh, would you like
to grab a cup of coffee?
(school bell rings)
Kiff Chatterley,
I don't know how you did it,
- but it worked!
- (gasps)
No way! You did the soup thing?
I did the soup thing.
And now we're doing
movie night at his place.
(energetic music plays)
Wait, wait, according
to yesterday's episode--
- Episode?
- Wha... Oh, did I say episode?
(snorts) Silly me,
I meant the dating scene.
Ah, you know how it is,
you gotta bring something
to the table.
Like a board game
and a screwdriver
and some mason jars.
To watch a movie?
Mm-kay.
(crickets chirping)
(peaceful music plays)
DANTE: Oh.
I guess that's the end.
MISS DEER TEACHER:
Guess so.
(gasps) Wait a minute.
Mason jars!
DANTE: Wow!
But how will they breathe?
Ta-da!
Whoa! OK.
But what are we gonna do
if we can't watch the movie?
I have a board game!
Who are you? Oh!
(romantic music plays)
Trust me.
(bees buzzing)
(music ends)
- (remote clicks)
- Mm-hmm.
MISS DEER TEACHER:
I know, right?
And then Dante asked me to go
away with him this weekend.
(gasps) That's so romantic.
You gotta go!
You sure?
It's at a secluded cabin.
No hot water. No cell service.
- Secluded?
- Yeah, for privacy.
It'll be really dark.
Perfect for stargazing.
No one around
to hear you scream--
With joy!
Huh, what do I know?
Not exactly like I've been
on a lot of dates.
But I mean, I don't know.
Sure, the dates have been great.
But it's only been a week or so.
Are things moving too fast?
He also asked me to bring all
my files and personal records.
He's planning for the future.
Well, that is thoughtful,
and he did promise a surprise.
And you've yet
to steer me wrong.
OK, I'll go.
I'm just so happy for you,
and for me,
the person who
made this all happen.
I'm responsible for this!
- (music fanfare)
- Just in time!
(in unison) Welcome back
to Smoldering Cove!
(romantic music plays)
- (tires swerve)
- (engine revs)
(fire crackling)
(romantic music fades)
(dramatic undertones)
Giancarlo, baby!
Why am I tied up?
What's going on?
I made you
fall in love with me.
(undertone sharpens)
And then I brought you here
to this remote location
at the edge of the cove.
And waited patiently
for you to fall asleep,
so that I could steal
your identity.
(gasps) Not my identity!
Exactly! Soon, it will be mine!
(laughs maniacally)
(coughs, wheezes)
Saw that coming.
Oh, no! Miss Deer Teacher's
gone away with the villain!
I'm responsible for this!
(Giancarlo clears throat)
Now, I'm going to make
a hot tea
with honey, ginger, and lemon
to take care of this cough.
But when I return,
your identity will be mine!
(Marlina gasps)
(coughs) I gotta stop yelling.
(bell tolling)
They're ending on a cliffhanger?
I know, and the next episode
doesn't come out till Monday.
But Miss Deer Teacher's
living this nightmare right now!
Wait, what?
I'll fill you in in the car,
but we gotta go!
It's a soap-mergency!
(sharp undertone)
(microwave hums)
- (kernels popping)
- KIFF: Dad!
(dramatic undertone)
(brakes chirp)
(thunder cracks)
Dad, we gotta break
the door down!
You don't have to tell me twice!
(drill whirring)
- (door clatters)
- (Martin grunts)
Watch your toes! Easy! Easy!
(Martin grunts)
(both yelling)
Eat water, cough drop!
- (Kiff yelling)
- (Dante exclaims)
The paperwork!
What is going on here?
Back up, Miss Deer Teacher,
this man's an identity thief!
An identity thief! Where?
What? No!
He took me away for the weekend
to do my taxes.
That was the surprise.
Taxes?
- Taxes?
- Taxes.
Then why were you
lights out in a chair?
Well, I dozed off.
Taxes are really boring.
OK, well, that's fair.
Well, why were you rubbing
your evil hands together,
evilly, like this?
(sinister muttering)
I was using hand sani.
I don't know where
her receipts have been.
I did not see that coming.
Popcorn?
So everything's OK?
Dante seems... hmm...
Yeah, Dante...
he's not "the one."
I mean, sure, we had these
insanely perfect dates
and it was nice to have plans,
but looking back,
I made the dates fun.
He's kind of dull.
Ooh, well, sorry for meddling.
You live and you learn.
I just know there's someone
out there for you,
Miss Deer Teacher.
Maybe. Maybe not.
But that's OK.
I should probably take
some time
to focus
on what's most important.
Finding someone new?
Loving myself.
Or that. You could do that too.
Yep.
(peaceful music plays)
I'll have the soup,
for one.
(peaceful music fades)
(romantic snippet plays)
(closing theme plays)