Kiff (2023–…): Season 1, Episode 13 - The Sound of Helen/Weekly Grocery Shop - full transcript
Table Town School is putting on its first musical, too bad it's all about Helen; the Chatterleys each encounter an obstacle during their weekly grocery shopping trip.
Foldman's Funky Beet juice!
It's supposed
to taste like that!
Ahh, Sunday.
Table Town's busiest
grocery shopping day.
It's gonna be a good day
at Slim Pickins,
I can feel it in the air!
(breathes deeply)
Gordon, my guy!
First day working
the sample station,
think ya can handle it?
Well, I take my duties
very seriously.
It's time. Open the doors!
KIFF: ♪ Do the weekly
shop, shop, shop ♪
♪ Buy some soda
pop, pop, pop! ♪
♪ Do the grocery
twist, twist, twist! ♪
♪ And don't forget your
list, list, list ♪
(laughing)
Did you remember
the list, Martin?
- Uhh...
- Oh, no.
You didn't forget it
again, did you, hon?
Are we gonna have to drive
all the way back home?
- No.
- So you have it?
- Yes.
- Good.
'Cause I need you
to do the weekly shop
on your own today.
They're doing this incredible
coupon-based promotion.
If you collect all 20 coupons
around the store,
you can win a token
to their antique crane game!
I heard there's
a 50-year-old kazoo in there.
Heh, you crazy, Mom.
You go have your fun.
I've got my weekly date with
ye olde free sample station.
What is it with
the sample station?
It's the number one
hot spot in the store!
Unlimited free samples of--
of cheese, fruit, pasta.
You dream it,
they've got it-- free!
Whee!
KIFF:
Don't like spanakopita?
Th-There's new stuff
coming out
every 10 minutes!
And best is, the woman
who makes it
all possible: Diane.
She always slips extra treats
to us hungry kids.
(kids cheering)
Uh-huh, yeah. Well, um,
you two go have fun.
I'll... handle the list.
Which I totally have.
- (muzak playing)
- Slimmy P! My man!
(angelic music)
Oh... Ooh!
Oh, sorry about that.
Oh, hi! You're a teacher at
my daughter's school, right?
She's in your drama class,
Kiff Chatterley?
I think you get into hijinks
together sometimes?
Around town?
I have a lot of students.
I don't know...
Okay, well, nice to see you!
Okay...
Yee-ikes-eeola.
Glad that's over with.
(gasps) The first coupon!
Samples. Samples. Samples.
Uh, hello! Where's Diane?
She went to Ottoman Flats
for Sample Con. I'm new.
Aw, good for Diane.
She's been talking
about going for years!
Well hey, it's always
nice to meet
a fellow sample enthusiast!
What do we got today,
Gordo? Mini quiche?
My samples are for
paying customers only.
No kids.
(laughs) Gee, I-- I--
I thought Diane was funny!
I, guh-- guh--
(clears throat)
Well, I-- I'm not just a kid.
I came here with my parents.
My "paying customer" parents!
A-And you know, my opinion
counts a lot to them
in terms of, uh, product,
you know, consideration.
Of-- Of things.
Oh, hello, sir! Mini quiche?
(scoffing)
Okay, bread, yes!
We always buy bread.
I know that.
Don't need a list
to tell me we need bread!
(gasps) Oh, my.
What brand
do we usually get?
Is it the one
with the baby wheat
popping out of the sun?
The hot bun catching on fire?
I like the one
with the country lady
bench-pressing
the butter dumbbells.
I got the last one.
(both scoffing)
Barry? What are you doing
huffing over here?
Sample guy wouldn't
give me sample.
- Same!
- (Reggie scoffing)
Oh, hi, guys.
Sample guy?
You guys talking about
the new free sample guy?
ALL:
Yes!
I never thought
someone named Gordon
could have power over me.
Hey, let's team up!
Between the four of us,
we gotta be able
to outsmart him, right?
ALL:
One, two, three, four, samples!
Ahem. Hello! Me again.
What's that supposed to mean?
I... Remember?
Kiff Chatterley's mom.
We bumped into each other
five minutes ago and chatted?
Okay...?
Uh... guh...
So... yeah. Anyway...
(gasps)
Sorry. Excuse me.
Heh-heh. Doesn't seem
to wanna go that way,
- heh-heh, with the wheel.
- (grumbles)
- There we go, heh.
- (groans)
Oopsie! Dropped my list.
Can't do my weekly shop
without the list!
- (gasps)
- Sorry!
I was trying
to read your list.
I-- I'm having
a little trouble
figuring out what to buy.
Oh, poor thing.
Would you like
to follow along
and shop with me?
Really?
That would be amazing!
First thing's first, a gallon
of Foldman's Funky Beet Juice!
You're the boss!
Look at him over there.
Thinks he's a big man.
(scoffs)
I could get a hot plate.
Psst! Kiff! We found one!
All right, Secretary Prince!
Kinda weird to see you here
in your weekend, uh, jorts.
You need me
to get free samples?
Four free samples.
Uh, but say they're for
your other grown-up friends.
Then bring them back here!
Okay, this is good,
they're smiling, smiling.
He's asking for
extra samples. Yes!
Now, just come back to us.
Wait, what's he doing?
He's getting a whiff
of the samples.
Now he's closing his eyes
and drooling
like he likes
what he smells. Oh, no.
Ugh, now he's trying
one of the mini quiches.
Oh, no! He loves it!
He's... Yep.
He's eating them all.
Those samples
are unbelievable!
You gotta taste 'em!
We're. Trying. To.
(gasps) This is it,
the twentieth coupon!
No. I'm not
doing this again!
I can't stand
any more small talk!
Small talk? We've barely
exchanged ten words.
(shushing) So help me,
if I see you one more time,
and I have to do small talk,
I'm turning you
into a mushroom!
But I hate mushrooms!
Really?
Even chanterelles?
I mean, mushrooms generally
are very versatile
in any recipe--
Wait, no! No! Wait!
This is small talk.
Don't try me, lady!
Fine, I don't want
to talk to you, either.
Jeez, what a drip!
Eighteen, 19...
W-What-- What happened
to the last one?
Oh, no. How am I
gonna get that coupon
without talking to Helen?
Okay, so we know
what doesn't work.
Asking an adult
to get samples for us,
tunneling under the store,
calling Gordon from a pay phone
and pretending
to be his granny...
That's it!
We've tried everything!
Ugh, let's give up.
I'll just get Daddy
to buy all
the actual products.
Then we can go
to my house and try them.
No, Candle!
That's not what this is about!
It's about free samples!
It's about
the one glimmer of hope
in the mindless,
unending void
of accompanying your parents
to the grocery store!
If only someone
could get Gordon
to step away from the samples
for a few minutes.
But who?
That's it!
I have an idea.
(Kiff, deep voice) Time to go
on your lunch break, Gordon.
I will watch the samples.
All right...
And 13 over-ripe,
mushy avocados!
(chuckles)
That's it, you're all done.
I'm so proud of you, Martin.
Ah, thank you!
I would have never
come up with these items.
I was way off!
Oh, I'm on
the Freaky Deaky diet.
I probably should've
mentioned that
before I let you shop
all the same stuff as me, ha!
Well, gotta dash!
Keep it freaky!
Wait, what? Hu-- Wha--
C-Come back!
You! You work here!
You gotta tell me what to buy!
I-- I left my list at home!
My family can never know!
Hello?
(screams)
KIFF:
Dad?
Well, I can explain!
This was the only way
we could get free samples!
Is that so?
I'll be taking these!
Kiff, listen, I don't think
your mother needs to know--
Too late,
I heard everything!
Honey? What're you doing?
You! That's it, mushroom time!
Run!
Pitted date, take the form
of the thing you hate!
Hey!
Whoa. I'm a kid!
Why was I being such a jerk?
Kids are people, too!
Free samples for everyone!
Bababooey!
- Hooray!
- (all cheer)
Look at that! Turned into
the thing he hated most.
Bravo, Helen.
Oh, you're Kiff's mother!
(clears throat)
Let's get outta here!
(playing kazoo)
(sighs)
Horrible.
(playing kazoo)
(sighs) Never a dull day
in retail, huh?
MANNEQUIN:
You could say that again.
(both scream)
♪ Slimmy P,
you're on your own ♪
♪ Hittin' the road
for the very first time ♪
♪ Slimmy P,
you're finally free ♪
♪ The world to see,
it's gonna blow your mind ♪
(vocalizing)
♪ Yeah ♪
It's supposed
to taste like that!
Ahh, Sunday.
Table Town's busiest
grocery shopping day.
It's gonna be a good day
at Slim Pickins,
I can feel it in the air!
(breathes deeply)
Gordon, my guy!
First day working
the sample station,
think ya can handle it?
Well, I take my duties
very seriously.
It's time. Open the doors!
KIFF: ♪ Do the weekly
shop, shop, shop ♪
♪ Buy some soda
pop, pop, pop! ♪
♪ Do the grocery
twist, twist, twist! ♪
♪ And don't forget your
list, list, list ♪
(laughing)
Did you remember
the list, Martin?
- Uhh...
- Oh, no.
You didn't forget it
again, did you, hon?
Are we gonna have to drive
all the way back home?
- No.
- So you have it?
- Yes.
- Good.
'Cause I need you
to do the weekly shop
on your own today.
They're doing this incredible
coupon-based promotion.
If you collect all 20 coupons
around the store,
you can win a token
to their antique crane game!
I heard there's
a 50-year-old kazoo in there.
Heh, you crazy, Mom.
You go have your fun.
I've got my weekly date with
ye olde free sample station.
What is it with
the sample station?
It's the number one
hot spot in the store!
Unlimited free samples of--
of cheese, fruit, pasta.
You dream it,
they've got it-- free!
Whee!
KIFF:
Don't like spanakopita?
Th-There's new stuff
coming out
every 10 minutes!
And best is, the woman
who makes it
all possible: Diane.
She always slips extra treats
to us hungry kids.
(kids cheering)
Uh-huh, yeah. Well, um,
you two go have fun.
I'll... handle the list.
Which I totally have.
- (muzak playing)
- Slimmy P! My man!
(angelic music)
Oh... Ooh!
Oh, sorry about that.
Oh, hi! You're a teacher at
my daughter's school, right?
She's in your drama class,
Kiff Chatterley?
I think you get into hijinks
together sometimes?
Around town?
I have a lot of students.
I don't know...
Okay, well, nice to see you!
Okay...
Yee-ikes-eeola.
Glad that's over with.
(gasps) The first coupon!
Samples. Samples. Samples.
Uh, hello! Where's Diane?
She went to Ottoman Flats
for Sample Con. I'm new.
Aw, good for Diane.
She's been talking
about going for years!
Well hey, it's always
nice to meet
a fellow sample enthusiast!
What do we got today,
Gordo? Mini quiche?
My samples are for
paying customers only.
No kids.
(laughs) Gee, I-- I--
I thought Diane was funny!
I, guh-- guh--
(clears throat)
Well, I-- I'm not just a kid.
I came here with my parents.
My "paying customer" parents!
A-And you know, my opinion
counts a lot to them
in terms of, uh, product,
you know, consideration.
Of-- Of things.
Oh, hello, sir! Mini quiche?
(scoffing)
Okay, bread, yes!
We always buy bread.
I know that.
Don't need a list
to tell me we need bread!
(gasps) Oh, my.
What brand
do we usually get?
Is it the one
with the baby wheat
popping out of the sun?
The hot bun catching on fire?
I like the one
with the country lady
bench-pressing
the butter dumbbells.
I got the last one.
(both scoffing)
Barry? What are you doing
huffing over here?
Sample guy wouldn't
give me sample.
- Same!
- (Reggie scoffing)
Oh, hi, guys.
Sample guy?
You guys talking about
the new free sample guy?
ALL:
Yes!
I never thought
someone named Gordon
could have power over me.
Hey, let's team up!
Between the four of us,
we gotta be able
to outsmart him, right?
ALL:
One, two, three, four, samples!
Ahem. Hello! Me again.
What's that supposed to mean?
I... Remember?
Kiff Chatterley's mom.
We bumped into each other
five minutes ago and chatted?
Okay...?
Uh... guh...
So... yeah. Anyway...
(gasps)
Sorry. Excuse me.
Heh-heh. Doesn't seem
to wanna go that way,
- heh-heh, with the wheel.
- (grumbles)
- There we go, heh.
- (groans)
Oopsie! Dropped my list.
Can't do my weekly shop
without the list!
- (gasps)
- Sorry!
I was trying
to read your list.
I-- I'm having
a little trouble
figuring out what to buy.
Oh, poor thing.
Would you like
to follow along
and shop with me?
Really?
That would be amazing!
First thing's first, a gallon
of Foldman's Funky Beet Juice!
You're the boss!
Look at him over there.
Thinks he's a big man.
(scoffs)
I could get a hot plate.
Psst! Kiff! We found one!
All right, Secretary Prince!
Kinda weird to see you here
in your weekend, uh, jorts.
You need me
to get free samples?
Four free samples.
Uh, but say they're for
your other grown-up friends.
Then bring them back here!
Okay, this is good,
they're smiling, smiling.
He's asking for
extra samples. Yes!
Now, just come back to us.
Wait, what's he doing?
He's getting a whiff
of the samples.
Now he's closing his eyes
and drooling
like he likes
what he smells. Oh, no.
Ugh, now he's trying
one of the mini quiches.
Oh, no! He loves it!
He's... Yep.
He's eating them all.
Those samples
are unbelievable!
You gotta taste 'em!
We're. Trying. To.
(gasps) This is it,
the twentieth coupon!
No. I'm not
doing this again!
I can't stand
any more small talk!
Small talk? We've barely
exchanged ten words.
(shushing) So help me,
if I see you one more time,
and I have to do small talk,
I'm turning you
into a mushroom!
But I hate mushrooms!
Really?
Even chanterelles?
I mean, mushrooms generally
are very versatile
in any recipe--
Wait, no! No! Wait!
This is small talk.
Don't try me, lady!
Fine, I don't want
to talk to you, either.
Jeez, what a drip!
Eighteen, 19...
W-What-- What happened
to the last one?
Oh, no. How am I
gonna get that coupon
without talking to Helen?
Okay, so we know
what doesn't work.
Asking an adult
to get samples for us,
tunneling under the store,
calling Gordon from a pay phone
and pretending
to be his granny...
That's it!
We've tried everything!
Ugh, let's give up.
I'll just get Daddy
to buy all
the actual products.
Then we can go
to my house and try them.
No, Candle!
That's not what this is about!
It's about free samples!
It's about
the one glimmer of hope
in the mindless,
unending void
of accompanying your parents
to the grocery store!
If only someone
could get Gordon
to step away from the samples
for a few minutes.
But who?
That's it!
I have an idea.
(Kiff, deep voice) Time to go
on your lunch break, Gordon.
I will watch the samples.
All right...
And 13 over-ripe,
mushy avocados!
(chuckles)
That's it, you're all done.
I'm so proud of you, Martin.
Ah, thank you!
I would have never
come up with these items.
I was way off!
Oh, I'm on
the Freaky Deaky diet.
I probably should've
mentioned that
before I let you shop
all the same stuff as me, ha!
Well, gotta dash!
Keep it freaky!
Wait, what? Hu-- Wha--
C-Come back!
You! You work here!
You gotta tell me what to buy!
I-- I left my list at home!
My family can never know!
Hello?
(screams)
KIFF:
Dad?
Well, I can explain!
This was the only way
we could get free samples!
Is that so?
I'll be taking these!
Kiff, listen, I don't think
your mother needs to know--
Too late,
I heard everything!
Honey? What're you doing?
You! That's it, mushroom time!
Run!
Pitted date, take the form
of the thing you hate!
Hey!
Whoa. I'm a kid!
Why was I being such a jerk?
Kids are people, too!
Free samples for everyone!
Bababooey!
- Hooray!
- (all cheer)
Look at that! Turned into
the thing he hated most.
Bravo, Helen.
Oh, you're Kiff's mother!
(clears throat)
Let's get outta here!
(playing kazoo)
(sighs)
Horrible.
(playing kazoo)
(sighs) Never a dull day
in retail, huh?
MANNEQUIN:
You could say that again.
(both scream)
♪ Slimmy P,
you're on your own ♪
♪ Hittin' the road
for the very first time ♪
♪ Slimmy P,
you're finally free ♪
♪ The world to see,
it's gonna blow your mind ♪
(vocalizing)
♪ Yeah ♪