Kiff (2023–…): Season 1, Episode 12 - Two Truths and a Bunny/Nicknames - full transcript

♪ Kiff ♪

♪ Kiff, Kiff ♪

♪ Kiff, Kiff, Kiff ♪

♪ Kiff, Kiff, Kiff, Kiff ♪

♪ Kiff, Kiff, Kiff ♪

♪ Kiff, Kiff, Kiff, Kiff ♪

♪ Kiff, Kiff, Kiff, Kiff, Kiff ♪

♪ Kiff ♪

(giggles)

ANNOUNCER: Brought to you
by Daryl H. Pizza,

where not just any pizza will cut it.



Pizza comes uncut.

BARRY: Aw, see,
mine's cut in half diagonally.

Yours is cut in half up and down.

I can't tell which half is more sandwich.

The Abras are coming!

Uh, are you sure?

They are here.

(dance music blaring)

(all gasp)

Attention, fellow students.
It is I, Candle Fox.

As you may have heard,
one of the Abras, Lizette,

has droop tail--

So sad--

and can no longer attend
my sleepover tonight.



But her sudden tragedy
is your stroke of fortune.

I will now select someone
to take her place.

- Good luck to you all.
- (megaphone feedback squeals)

No. No.

Definite no.

I wonder why
they call themselves the Abras?

Nobody knows but them.

Nobody?

- What are you doing?
- Making myself look good.

I gotta get invited to this sleepover.

Really? I thought you and Candle
were adversaries.

No way. I'm friends with everyone,
equally, across the board.

Okay, look, I have no desire
to become an Abra,

but my interest is piqued.

I got to know what
their secret name means.

What even is an Abra?

Is it an acronym?
A dance move? A Swedish band?

All I know is it's an element unknown,

and not knowing is driving me crazy.

Well, hello again, Kiff Chatterley.

CANDLE: So you're coming to my sleepover?

Cool. See you tonight, Kiff.

"See you tonight, Kiff"?

Yeah, that was weird.

She looked at me,
but her mouth said "Kiff."

That was her way of inviting us both.

Everyone knows we're a package deal.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Packages. Yeah, okay.

(doorbell rings)

(crickets chirping)

Delivery.

What's going on?

Like I said, we only needed one stand-in.

Oh, because you said--

Well, you were looking at Barry,

but then you said,
"See you tonight, Kiff."

So we assumed...

Oh, sometimes I forget
which one of you is which.

But, I mean, you get it.
You two are kind of one person.

Math, make it make sense.

(classical string music playing)

Thank you, Jean Claude.

Names?

I'm Kiff.

And, uh... Barry.

They're in our class.

Kennedy's in Mr. Ri'Peppa's
class across the hall.

Yeah, I was so over the scene
at Tuft Pierre, you know,

so I transferred.

I know what you're thinking.

"Wow, so brave." (haughty laugh)

Where do you summer?

Uh, same place we winter,
spring and fall, I guess.

- (chuckles nervously)
- (exhaled gas wheezes)

Uh, okay!

It's time for sleepover games!

♪ Abras, Abras ♪

♪ A-A-A-A-Abras ♪

♪ Abras, Abras ♪

♪ A-A-A-A-Abras ♪

♪ Just for tonight ♪

♪ You can be one of us ♪

Oh! "Society!

Ugh!

Of course, of course.

♪ We won't remember your name ♪

♪ Abras ♪

(both laughing)

Well, that was fun. Look at us. Friends.

Okay, so maybe now's a good time
to tell us how you came up

with the name for the Abras. (chuckles)

You were a lot of fun at the party games,

but we can't tell you.

(laughs)

Look, Barry and I can keep a secret, okay?

We'll see.

We'll now play
the time-honored sleepover game:

"Two Truths and a Lie."

Two of your statements
should be facts, or "truths,"

and one must be a lie.

Then it's up to us to guess the lie.

Kiff, you're up.

Okay, uh, here goes.

Sometimes I forget to brush
my tooth, I'm not ticklish,

and I once blew a bubble
the size of my head.

Well, your head is
bubble-shaped, so that tracks.

Not ticklish, that's believable.

Okay, I got it. No way you don't brush.

You're not gross.

Oh, but I am sometimes.

But the second one's the lie.
I'm crazy ticklish.

Hmm. Good job, Kiff. Barry?

Oh! Oh it's my turn? Okay. Oh, gosh. Okay.

Hmm. Um, I love my family,
I love juice, and...

And I hate my best friend Kiff.

What?

You obviously love Kiff. Try again.

And try to be interesting.

Oh, okay. (clears throat)

Uh, I...

I love bananas, I love smiles,

and I hate bananas.

(laughs)

I'm losing my mind!

Are you serious?

Okay, how's this?

I'm at Candle's house, I'm wearing shoes,

and I'm so glad Candle invited you guys.

Yup. Great. Well, you can go ahead

and tell us what the Abras
means now, right?

No way. Barry can't lie,

so he obviously can't be trusted
to keep a secret,

and you can't be trusted
not to tell Barry, so...

(doorbell rings)

I got your three-cheese cheeses,
light sauce, no oregano,

a small side of pineapple.

Thanks. We're starving.

Terri! Are you here to pick me up?

Oh, thank goodness!

No, Barry, can't you see she's working?

It's my side hustle.

Don't you have to be over 16
to get a job like that?

What Darryl H. Pizza don't know
won't hurt him.

Terri, wait!

Can you teach Barry how to lie?

Sorry, no.

I was lying.

Okay, Barry, lie to me.

One time I fell in... a toilet?

- (giggles)
- TERRI: Uh, stop.

Right away I'm seeing a ton of mistakes,

or what us pro liars
like to refer to as "tells."

You did, like, seven of them.

Long pause at the top,
your voice went all falsetto,

you darted your eyes,
one of your ears twitched,

your hands were all sweaty-- still are.

Your breathing was weird,
you made it into a question,

and you giggled
at the end for some reason.

Oh, okay.

Let me try again.

- One time--
- TERRI: You're blinking too much.

- I like--
- TERRI: Now you're not blinking at all.

- I have--
- TERRI: You're rambling.

You're playing with your ears.

- I can tell you're fake smiling.
- (coughs)

Okay, now you're clearing your throat,

Ooh, your heart's beating really fast.

Again, with the ears?

(dance music plays)

That's the Robot.

Got it. Are there any other tells?

That's all of them, plus a few
I've never even seen before.

KIFF: Okay, so as long as Barry
doesn't do any of these,

we're golden.

What do you think, Terri?
Think Barry can pull it off?

I know he can.

And I was lying.

Man, I'm good.

We challenge you
to a "Two Truths" rematch!

If we win, you tell us
the secret behind the Abra name.

Okay, let's get this over with.

My favorite color is rainbow,
I have never been scuba diving,

and I hate prunes.

(dance music plays)

(sighs) So close.

Okay, fine! I love prunes!

Ugh! You just don't have
what it takes, Barry.

Let me show you how it's done, amateur.

I've gone skiing in the Alps,
I can Hula-Hoop for an hour,

I've broken my pinkie toe in two places.

Now, that's how it's done.

Ah! Everything sounds so believable

and unbelievable at the same time!

Oh, Kennedy!

The "Two Truths and a Lie" master!

We are not worthy!

Could you spot the lie?

No...

because they're all lies!

In my hand is a receipt.

On it lies-- that's our pizza order.

On the back lies a comprehensive list

of every tell ever told,
and Kennedy's three for three.

She's never been to the Alps,
she can't Hula-Hoop,

her pinkie toe is 100% intact.

And behold...

(gasps) My beauty mark!

Is a raisin!

Like, bro, seriously,
what is wrong with you?

To the untrained eye,
Kennedy is a master two-truther.

But what you didn't spot was...

- the blink...
- I've gone skiing in the Alps.

- ...the scratch...
- I can Hula-Hoop for an hour.

And finally, the irregular
heartbeat of the liar.

I've broken my pinkie toe in two places.

Everything about you is a lie, Kennedy,

if that even is your real name.

- KENNEDY: He's right.
- (all gasp)

I can't help it. I lie about everything.

I'm a liar, liar, pants on fire.

And my real name isn't Kennedy Popularé.

It's Kim. Kim Popularé.

(slow clap)

We won! Slow clap for Barry!

- (laughs)
- What? No, dummy.

I'm clapping for Kennedy-- I mean, Kim.

the best liar ever.

Wait a minute,
you're not clapping for Barry?

That's insane.

- Oh, it's okay, Kiff.
- No!

I don't even care anymore.

You're all just a bunch of phony maloneys

clapping for other phony maloneys

when there's clearly a genius
in your midst.

He should be getting the standing ovation.

You can keep your secret meaning.
Who cares?

Well, now we'll never tell you.

Ha! You'd probably lie anyway.

Our friendship's too real for this place.

Whoops, (chuckles) almost
knocked over this candelabra.

Ha! "Candelabra."
That's a funny word, huh?

It's a candle, which is your name,

and then "abra," which is like the name

we've been trying to figure out all day.

- Okay, bye!
- Barry, wait!

- Huh? What happened?
- You figured out

the secret to the candelabra name!

Well, Candle, I think it's genius.

Really?

No. I was lying.

Oh!