Kick Buttowski: Suburban Daredevil (2010–2012): Season 1, Episode 14 - Mellowbrook Drift/The Gift of Wacky - full transcript

Kick challenges a rival street racing crew in a winner-takes-all race.

♪♪ [theme]

♪ kick, kick ♪

♪ kick, kick, kick ♪

♪ kick buttowski ♪

♪ kick ♪

♪ kick ♪

♪ kick buttowski ♪

♪ kick, kick ♪

♪ kick, kick ♪
♪ kick buttowski ♪

♪ kick, kick ♪

♪ kick, kick ♪

♪ kick ♪

♪ kick ♪

♪ kick buttowski ♪

♪ kick buttowski ♪


This is the fastest
thing we've ever built.

Just wait till we
put some wheels on.

Are we ready for
the cart race yet?

It's not just a cart
race, gunther.

It's the tri-county car-tacular.

[announcer] that's right.

He first annual
tri-county car-tacular.

Win this race

And be the talk of
the tri-county area.

Lose and be humiliated

And have everything you
stand for belittled.

Save something for the race.

[boy] you think you're
gonna race in that thing?

How charming.


Who's ronaldo?

He's just a physics
nerd, gunther.

Nothing to worry about.

These are my sidewalks.

Reduce drag to
maximize velocity.

Adjust leading mass.

Angle of incidence equals
angle of reflection.


[woman screams]

Kick! Turn!

No time.
We're going right through.

[gunther screaming]

[children laughing]

Well, well, well. Looks like

The last of my
opponents is eradicated.

Time to go win the first
annual tri-county car-tacular.

And the winner by default

Of the first annual
tri-county car-tacular is...


Ha! Suckers.

That'll teach you
to make an effort.

Don't worry, kick.
You may have lost the race

And been humiliated

And had everything you
stand for belittled,

But... but what?

Uh, nothing.

That's it, i guess.

I never lose, gunther.

Especially not at cart racing.

Cart racing?

One-eyed jackson!
What did you say?

I mean, mr. One-eyed jackson.

Had a run-in with ronaldo, did you?
How did you know?

[rat squeaking]

Used to be kids came to
woodshop class all the time.

Building carts,
racing them after school.

Cart racing is fun.
Not anymore it's not.

That ronaldo can dazzle you
with his fancy physics bluster,

But when push comes to shove,
he's just a dirty cheater.

Racing used to be fun,

Until that fateful
day he came around.

I remember it like
it was yesterday.

When was it. Yesterday.

So cool. Awesome.

Kick buttowski.

Did you come down
to polish my trophy?

I came for a rematch,
just you and me.


Racing's about control,

And you're nothing
but a loose cannon.

You're like the
square root of two:


If you wanna talk
numbers, i'm out.

But if you want to race...

Tomorrow, 3 p.M.,
mount hurtsmore.

[gasp] mount hurtsmore?

[announcer] yes,
mount hurtsmore,

With its treacherous
turns, horrific hurdles,

Intense inclines,
and the legendary turn 6.

Many have tried,
but none have conquered mount hurtsmore.

[wind blowing]

Pretty tough terrain,

Unless you're friendly
with the laws of physics.

I prefer the laws of awesome.

Laws of awesome?
That doesn't even make sense.

Not to you. You're not awesome.

Well, i've got an
actual law on my side.

Newton's second, to be exact.

This is you.

That's so true. Sorry.

I'm an unstoppable force
and mount hurtsmore...

[thunderclap] Is an
immovable object.

When you find yourself

Between an unstoppable force
and an immovable object...

[gasps] need i say more?

Nah. You talk too much already.

Time for some upgrades.

But they've got
physics on their side.

What do we have?

Four wheels and a box.

Word on the street says you're
facing ronaldo on mount hurtsmore.

I always thought the word on
the street said, "ped xing."

Looks like you could
use some words of advice

From a grizzled old
cart racing champ.


[kick] janitor roberson

Is the grizzled old
cart racing champ?

Awesome. It's me.

I'm the grizzled old
cart racing champ.

Oh, sorry. I'll clean later.

Now listen up, boys.

We gotta build you a new cart.

But there's a couple things
you need to know first.

Ronaldo plays by nobody's
rules but his own.

And he's a cheater,
so he doesn't play by any rules.

So forget everything
i just said.

Except that he's a cheater.

He veers left, you veer right.

He goes under, you go over.

He goes around, you go through.

He eats expired cottage
cheese, you...

Well, you shouldn't do that.

Gosh, that's a terrible idea.

This is kind of the
worst advice ever.

[hammering] [ratcheting]

Now that's how you build a cart.

Awesome, kick. You're ready.

No one's ever ready
for mount hurtsmore.

[thunderclap] okay,
so you're not ready.

Don't get me wrong.
You're as ready as anyone's ever been.

But there's one thing
nobody can teach you about,

[thunderclap] and that's turn 6.

That wall's a man-eater.

Almost met my match
on that nasty turn 6.

Never was the same after
i crashed that day.

Is that how you lost your eye?

Nah, it's how i lost my leg.


[thunder rumbles]


[scoffs] i knew he
wouldn't show up.

Guess the laws of awesome
don't mention punctuality.

It wasn't that funny.

[kick] ronaldo!

You might as well quit now.
No way you can harness

The power of physics
in that piece of junk.


You couldn't even exploit
subsonic aerodynamics.

These wheels couldn't withstand
even the slightest spinout.

And your weight distribution
is so severely off-balance

That it's hilarious.

Laugh harder.

There's absolutely no
science at work here.

You got your way. I got mine.

Well, if you're so confident,

How about we put a little

Something else on the line, too?

I'm listening.

Your helmet if i win.

Deal. Good.

And if kick wins?

When i win,

You quit racing forever. Deal.

[cat yowls]

[engine roars]

Recorded that myself at daytona

With a parabolic mic.

Three, two, one go!

Play with fire at 505 degrees
kelvin, you get cauterized.



Nice try, ronaldo.

You just don't know when to
quit, do you, buttowski?

[thunderclap] oh, no! Turn 6!

Slow down, kick!

You're gonna lose an eye!

I mean a leg.

He'll never make
it going that fast.

Kick, you've gotta slow down!

Sorry, the words "slow down"
aren't in my vocabulary.

i told him not to read

Those darn comic books
during vocabulary class.

This is where physics
makes all the difference.

The centrifugal
force from that turn

Will splatter your
guts against that wall,

Unless you slow down in time.

Is he trying to
get himself killed?

[tires screeching]

Need more speed.


[screams] no!

You always were a loose cannon!

Ah, the familiar smell
of certain victory.


The laws of awesome.

[air horn blows]

No brakes, huh? No brakes?

You're a crazy
hothead, you know that?

And i love you for it.

You drove through solid granite.

Told you i'm fast.

But you broke the
laws of physics!

Laws were meant to be broken.

[crowd cheering]

you guys see one-eyed jackson?

One-eyed jackson?

That old man died
a long time ago

When he hit that wall on turn 6.

I'm just kidding.
He's over there.

Nice job, boys.

Well, looks like my
work here is done.

[gunther] yay!

That's the plan, anyway.

The mellowbrook
memorial corkscrew.

I was wondering when you
were gonna tackle that.

I had to wait until they
were gonna demolish it.

A once-in-a-lifetime jump.

Now or never.

Prepare to launch!

Launch prepared.

[klaxon blaring] [siren wailing]

Hi, kick!

[kick] no!

A once-in-a-lifetime
stunt ruined.

[crash] [cat yowls]

Great stunt, kick. [groans]

So while your vertebrae
settle back into place,

Just a friendly reminder that
tonight's my big birthday party.

Sorry, jackie.
I'd love to come, but...

Great! It starts at 7.

I'll never be the world's
greatest daredevil

With jackie around.

I gotta get her out of
my life once and for all.


I'd give anything for her
to never bother me again.

Did you say anything?

Because if you did,

I can help you. How?

By making jackie hate you.

Think about it.

Who's better than me at
making people hate him?

I hate him.

I could help you ruin
her birthday party

So she'll never want
to see you again.

Imagine, a life without jackie.

[crowd cheering]

Let's do this.

Not so fast.
I don't work for free.

But i am in the market
for a new man cave.

So i'll take care of
your wacky jackie problem

If you give me your room.

If it works.

[laughs] it'll work.

you can't make a deal with him.

He's evil.

Besides, even jackie
deserves a happy birthday.

Sorry, gunther.
I've made up my mind.

I won't be a party
to this madness!

It's madness i tell you!

[in distance] madness!

So do we have a deal?

[gunther in distance] madness!

"For services rendered,

"the party of the first
part, known as the dillweed,

"shall agree to freely
give over his room

To the party of the second part,

Known as the brad.

The dillweed shall live
in tha back yard forever.

Sign it.

No ink.

Mmm. Use that.

You sure about this?

Worry not, dillweed.

Wacky jackie's gonna
have a birthday

She'll never forget.

[cackling] [thunderclap]

hammering] [cats yowling]

[chainsaw revving]

[chainsaw stops]

What was all that noise?

What, that?
That's my new sound effect cd.

Okay, dillweed,
give this to jackie

And your troubles are over.

[rattling] what's in it?

It's better that you don't know.

Well, if this doesn't
work, i want my room back.

Oh, it'll work.

Besides, no take-backs.


[doorbell chimes]

Sorry i'm late, every...


The party can finally start!

Uh, nobody's here.

Well, you're here,

And that tumbleweed.

Thanks for coming!

[gasps] a birthday present?

Whoo! What's in it?

[nervous chuckle]
open it and find out.

[giggles] open it? Ha!

Now why would i do
a thing like that?

It'll be so much
sweeter if i wait.

Oh, the waiting is so painful.

[whispers] so good.

You know, maybe it's best
to just get it over with?

Here, i'll help. No!

It's the grand finale!

But we can always
play party games.

Party games?

Let's play pin the tail on kick.

It's more exciting that way.

Okay. Careful. A little left.

The other left.

A little further.


Welcome to the bachelor
pad de la brad.

make me a sign that says that.

Pantsy, celebrate for me.

Wahoo! Yippee!


Yeah, brad!

Jackie, a porcupine toss
is not a party game.

It's not? Uh-uh.

Oh, i got it.


Okay. No!

That's not a party game, either.

Look, open up the present and...


Let's bust open a piñata!


Worst piñata ever.

Where's the candy?

What? Some piñatas have
candy for realsies?

That sounds awesome!

Forget it.
It's just not worth it.

Where are you going?

Get her to open that present.

I want to get away from her,

Not spend more time with her.

Look at the picture, dillweed.

As soon as she
opens that present,

She's out of your life forever!

[singsong] forever!

Yeah, brad!

Here, kick! Have a snack!

What was that?

Onions with peanut butter.

Onions and peanut butter?

Those aren't snacks.

Haven't you ever
thrown a party before?

Well, no.

In fact,
i've never even been to one.

Never? Never?


We moved around a lot,
and you might not believe this,

But it's kind of hard
for me to make friends.

That's why the guest
list is so thin.

You can go if you want.

Don't go! Remember...

Even jackie deserves
a happy birthday.

You know what, jackie?
I'm staying.

And i'm gonna give you the
best birthday party ever.

Oh, kick! It already is.

Thanks, gunther. Gunther?



Kick, thank you.

Thank you, thank you.

It's the best
birthday party ever.


You mean there's more?

[doorbell chimes]

And lo there was a party,

And it was good.




Oh, kick,
it really is the best party ever.

Thank you so much.

No problem.

Attention, everyone!

I would like to thank the guy

Who made this party so awesome.

My friend, kick buttowski!

And i'm gonna open
his present first!

Present. Yeah.

Forgot about the
present, didn't you?

And there's nothing you can do about
it, dillweed.

[laughing] [thunderclap]

Yeah, brad.

Hey, man. Be cool.

Ow! The punch!

It burns!

Oh, no.

Why, kick? Why?

Jackie, no!

Why did you do that?

I... i, uh...

[doorbell chimes]

Hey! Look what i found.


Oh, i can't wait to open it!

No, jackie!
It's not what you think!

Good! I love surprises.

Give it back.

Not on your life.



Kick, this is how you
really feel about me?

Jackie, i... i...


Good thing i kept this
halloween costume.

This is the best gift ever!

Wait. You don't hate me?

How can i?

Any gift from kick buttowski

Is the best gift in the world!

In fact, i love you even more.

This is the most
thoughtful gift ever.

If there's anything i can
ever do to thank you...

Anything at all,
like marrying you.

Okay, so it didn't work.

But i'm still not giving
back my man cave, dillweed.

As a matter of fact,
there is something you can do.


[doorbell chimes]

[jackie] he took your room?


You give kick back his room!

[brad] hey!
Get out of my man cave!

Now, this is a party.

You were right, gunther.

Everyone deserves a happy birthday.
I said that?

Sometimes having a friend
like jackie isn't so bad.

[screaming, crashing]


You know? [chuckles]

You're a pretty good dancer.