Key and Peele (2012–2015): Season 2, Episode 6 - Episode #2.6 - full transcript

The power of Christ
compels you!

[bleep] your mother!

The power of Christ
compels you!

The power of Christ compels you!

Your mother's in Hell!

The power of Christ
compels you!

I'll suck your [bleep].

Let me suck your [bleep],
mother[bleep].

Could you please
clear the room?

Yo!

Thank you so much.



That was scary...

before it got offensive.

Good evening, everybody,
I'm Keegan-Michael Key.

- I am Jordan Peele.
- And we're Key and Peele.

Thanks for coming out.

Thank you so much.

Happy Halloween, everybody.

- Welcome.
- Happy Halloween.

- This is our...
- All Hallow's Eve, yes.

- Our Halloween celebration.
- Mm-hmm, yes.

Um, we are...
we're fans of horror movies.

And there's
several different kinds.

- There's several different kinds.
- There's... right.

There's the kind where
there's little Asian children



that sound like Penelope Cruz.

Yup, yeah.

Well, you know what?
My favorite...

My favorite horror movies
are the possession ones.

- Oh, yes, yes.
- And since I've been in California,

I will go see a horror movie
at 12:00 at night.

I went and saw
Paranormal Activity,

There was a family of
75 Mexican people in front of me.

And 90% of them were
under the age of four.

And... and you know what the most
messed up thing about it is,

like clockwork,
about halfway through the movie,

- at some point...
- Yeah, yeah.

Somebody goes, "Oh, no,
it's not a ghost, it's a demon."

The entire mexican family,

"Oh, no, [bleep] this.
We don't [bleep] with that."

- Right in front of my action.
- Everybody, there's the kid...

Oh, come on, this is...

This is ridiculous.

They're all leaving,
the whole family.

- This is a... you know...
- En masse, out the door.

It's a horror movie,
it's always Diablo!

Yeah, what did you think
was gonna happen?

Oh, here we go, we got more.

Hey!

What's up, Ted and Annette?
Come on in.

Yes. Fangs for coming.

Have a bloody good time.

Awesome.
Oh! Oh.

♪ Hee-hee! ♪

There he is.
What's up, Noah?

♪ Hee-hee! ♪
- Michael Jackson.

- ♪ Hee-hee! ♪
- Oh, here it is.

- ♪ Hee-hee! ♪
- Yeah, that's what he does.

- ♪ Hee-hee! ♪
- That's Michael Jackson.

- ♪ Hee-hee! ♪
- All right.

- ♪ Hee-ee hee! ♪
- Great!

- Ow!
- Nice.

♪ Ow! Sham! ♪
- Oh, there we go.

- ♪ Sham! ♪
- There we go.

- ♪ Sham! ♪
- All right, three's the charm.

- ♪ Sham on! ♪
- Four.

- Ha!
- All right, well...

- Annie, are you okay?
- Oh! He's leaning. He's leaning.

- Are you okay, Annie?
- All right.

- Are you okay?
- Annie, are you okay, Annie?

You've been touched by
a smooth criminal.

- Very nice Ha!.
- ♪ Sham on! ♪

- Oh, more kicks.
- Ha! Closer! Closer!

- More kicks. You're...
- Close to your face!

You... Ah!
You almost hit me there.

- You're really getting...
- ♪ Sham on! ♪

No more "sham on"s.

♪ Hoo hoo! ♪

You want to come inside?

That's annoying.
That is very annoy...

Stop. Stop! Just...
Don't do it anymore.

Ha!

♪ Yo ! Sham on! ♪
- Great.

Just keep doing the sham on.
That's the one...

Where the children at?
♪ Hee! Hee! ♪

- "Where the children at?"
- ♪ Jesus juice ♪

- That's in bad taste.
- Ho!

This isn't...

Thriller eyes.

- ♪ Sham on! ♪
- What... what are you doing?

- ♪ Jam it on! Jam it on! ♪
- No, you're cut of sham ons.

I'm... oh, okay.
Ha!

He doesn't slap his ass
like that, so I don't know what...

- Okay.
- ♪ nah-nah-nah, nah-nah-nah... ♪

- ♪ Nah-nah ♪
- No, he doesn't...

I've never seen him
hit his ass...

- Hey. But no...
- O-oh!

Hey... can we just... hey...

Hey, man...

Hey, stop... stop it! Stop it!

The [bleep] costume's
awful,

The impression is stupid
and played out,

Everybody and their mother
was Michael Jackson

three years ago when he died!

He died?

- Oh.
- Wait... wait, he died?

Oh, Noah.

Oh, Noah...

♪ Boo hoo ♪

What?
No, wait... wait a second.

Don't sad-moonwalk away.

♪ Mm, boo hoo ♪

- You know what? Let...
- ♪ Boo hoo! ♪

Happy Halloween.

All right, listen up.

Sheriff's department's close by...
We'll be safe there.

- Okay.
- Stay close.

I'll get you out of here.

Oh, my God! Oh, my G...
They got Brad!

They got Brad! They got Brad!

Hey, they didn't get us!
They didn't get us!

Okay? We're still alive.

- Yeah, right.
- Keep it together.

Yeah, okay.

We gotta make it
to that sheriff's station.

We gotta go through 'em.

Just stay together, keep moving,
and don't get bit.

Go!

- Are you getting this?
- Yeah, what is up?

All right, let's go.
Let's go.

This is crazy.

- What?
- Um...

- Oh.
- Ain't that some [bleep]?

These are some racist
mother-[bleep] zombies!

Why would you even
lock the door?

I mean, the window's broken,
and...

Oh! Oh, hell, no.

- That's...
- No, no, no.

- Oh, come on!
- What is that?

They seriously
wouldn't let her eat us.

- That's...
- Hey, guys.

Isn't this great?

These racist zombies
are leaving us alone.

Come on,
we're having a party.

The beer is here!

And look who I brought.
Come on, man.

You like Harry Potter movies,
right?

I do like...
putting me on blast.

- Put me on blast.
- I'm just asking you...

- Yeah, I like...
- If you enjoy the...

Can you explain
that phenomenon to me?

Never read a book,
never seen a movie.

- Okay, see, well, you're...
- I don't know anything about it.

- You're missing out.
- Am I missing out? Am I missing out?

Mm, my friend.

My friend, the wonderful world
of Hogwarts.

Okay, and that's...
that's his house, right?

That's... oh.

- That's... Hogwarts's house?
- House.

No, you would love it.

You would love...
you would be perfect for Hog...

- I don't think so.
- You...look, Hufflepuff.

[bleep] Hufflepuff.
You just got sorted.

- Do I go like...
- You just got sorted.

Is that right?
Is what I'm doing right?

Okay, but do I look
in the camera?

No? Oh, at you?
All right.

Like on television,
all right.

Now, knock it off!

All the stupid-ass grab-ass
and touchy-feely bull[bleep]!

God damn!
I told you they was rotten.

I am Parnabus Jackson,
principal here at Clortho's,

Uh, Vince Clortho High.
Uh...

This station's
just a formality, but...

Here's a bunch of stuff that
we confiscated just this week.

Stuff...we don't have
to show them that.

Here's a wand
with a silencer on it.

Why?
But I ask again, why?

One out of five girls
in this school

is pregnant with a demon baby!

- Well...
- One out of five!

- Okay.
- ***

The babies are evil,

But the mothers,
they're good kids.

As we say at Clortho's,

"There's never a portal
that cannot be opened

"with ingenuity and respect."

Now...

How you gon' be using
an invisible cloak,

when I can see
you're tagging the damn wall?

Dime bag of pixie dust.

Contraband.

See, here's the thing,

The kids know
that the only way to fly...

- Wizard pepper.
- Unbelievable.

Get your ass
out my office.

I will turn you
into a spider!

They're good kids.

Hogwarts and Clortho's,

Clortho's and Hogwarts,
they go hand-in-hand,

The best top two
wizarding schools there are.

But you know,
out of these two schools,

we each have a strike.

We do score a little bit lower
on standardized tests

than hogwarts,
but there is a cultural bias.

We may not have
a huge endowment

like they get
over at Hogwarts,

and yes, some of the teachers
have to buy

their own newt's eyes
or bat wings or...

One kid got transformed
into a cat.

They can't even afford
to change him back.

This young man's name
is Jamar.

Normally, you're not allowed
to touch the students like this

when they're in human form,

But when they're a cat,
we just have at it.

Sports.

Everybody loves sports.

- It's true.
- Not everybody.

The hallways are a-bluster

with the conversation
of our Quidditch team.

Half the team
is back here riding mops.

We got two little [bleep]
on Swiffers.

Lester!

When all is said and done,
the average Clortho student...

uh, say... This mother...

Sometimes the kids
think it's cute

To turn themselves
into a rat,

sneak into my office,

Play a little joke on me.

Who is that?
Tyrone, is that... is that...?

No,
that's an actual rat.

So I'm doing this, like,
airline food diet.

- Yeah.
- It's, like, all I eat,

and I've lost,
like, 16 pounds.

- Oh, my God, Amy.
- Yeah.

- I almost forgot to tell you.
- What?

We got a new receptionist
at work.

- Ew! No way.
- Yeah. So...

I'm in the common area alone,
minding my own business...

- Yeah...oh,
she said something to you?

She came up to me,
and no joke, she's like,

"Hi, I'm Sandy.
I don't believe we've met yet."

She said that to you?

Like, no, Amy,
I'm not even kidding you.

She's crazy.
- Um, yeah!

No, like, I'm scared, like, crazy,
like, get this bitch away from me,

She's sociopathically
batshit crazy.

Oh, my God,
that totally reminds me,

- I have a new neighbor.
- Ew, yeah?

She comes over to my house,
she knocks on the door

with, like, a package under her arm.

- Um, stalker much?
- Um, yeah.

And she looks me in the eye,
and she says to me,

"Um, excuse me,
I think the postman

dropped this package off
at my house by accident."

- She said that to you?
- Yeah.

- Crazy bitch!
- I mean, like,

I'm gonna have to move
because this bitch is

nutburgers-McLooneytunes,

stand-at-the-foot-of-my-bed-
with-a-knife crazy.

Oh, my God,
that totally reminds me!

- Oh, yeah.
- You remember that girl at Starbuck's?

- The crazy one?
- No, a different one. She's new.

- I haven't met her yet.
- Well, she's crazy.

- Uh-huh.
- She gives me my change,

and then she's like,
"Thanks, bye."

She smiled at you like that?

- How crazy is that?
- That's, like...

That's, like,
insane-in-the-membrane crazy.

Like, this is the membrane, she's
inside of it, 'cause that's insane.

No, I'm not even
kidding you, Amy,

that's crazy like, it-puts-
the-lotion-in-the-basket,

or-else-it-gets-the-hose-again,
Cray-to-the-mother[bleep] Cray!

Yeah, like, if Jay-Z had a sister,
her name would be "Cray."

Hey!

You ladies
want to meet Channing Tatum?

- Is he really in there?
- Are you serious?

- Oh, Channing!
- (gasps) Oh, my God, Channing!

Channing,
what are you doing in a van?

This is effing crazy.
I don't see you, Channing.

- Why are you hiding?
- Why are you in here?

Channing, are you, like,
in a little ball in the front seat?

Hello?
It smells like mildew in here.

- I bet...
- ow! Sharp, jagged, rusty edge.

Is that a meat hook?

Human centipede?

Yeah.
You guys?

Some of you don't?
Some people don't.

There's this movie
called Human Centipede.

It's the most [bleep] up
horror movie ever.

Ever made.
Ever made, ever.

And what happens, basically,
three people

and the first person's ass is sewn
to the next person's mouth.

- Mouth.
- Whose ass is sewn...

To the next person's mouth.

And hence,
a multi-legged organism, uh...

And then...
Look at this woman's mouth,

It's just open... Don't open
your mouth right now, ma'am.

She's just, like... don't op...
yes, please, don't...

You don't want
to open your...

No one's gonna
do it to you, ma'am.

(audience ohs)

So here's what happened
in real life on planet Earth.

- On planet Earth, in real life,

somebody said, "Let's take
a look at this script here.

- Yeah.
- "Let me see.

"I think you'll like
everything I've done there.

- "Uh-huh, okay.
- "Let me know how you think.

"Uh-huh.
Yeah, uh-huh, oh, yeah,

"this should make
millions of dollars."

- I am gonna go wash my hands.
- Okay, sweetie.

- Okay.
- See you in a second.

Buddy!

Um, I'm sorry, uh,
that seat is actually taken.

My girlfriend
is in the bathroom,

and she should be back any second,
so you cannot sit there.

You don't even recognize me,
do you?

No. No, I d...I don't...
I don't know you.

We were in
that human centipede together!

I said,
I do not know you.

Three years ago, we were kidnapped
by the crazy German scientist

who surgically connected us
into a single human digestive chain.

There were three of us,
I was in the middle,

you were at the end,
the other guy was up front.

Your mouth
was sewn to my butthole!

Okay, yes, I remember!

And after years of therapy,
I finally put that behind me.

Probably should've said
you put it behind me,

If you catch my drift.
I'm sorry.

Sorry!
You already caught my drift.

I'm sorry!
That's it.

It was right there
in front of me.

- Really? Really?
- I'm sorry.

I guess it was right there
in front of you.

That's it.
I'm sorry.

How are you doing?
How are you?

Is there something else
I can help you with?

- Um...oh!
- Hey, [bleep] eater.

- No [bleep] way!
- Hey!

- Front man!
- this is a [bleep] nightmare.

Hey, Back man.
Back man!

No, don't call me that.

- Ah!
- Hey, cop a squat.

No!

Ooh, chili.
Old habits die hard?

Nice one!

- Now I can't eat it.
- Oh, word?

- Why are you happy to see him?
- Come on, man!

You know, we all shared
the same experience.

No, we didn't. He was in the front.
Nobody [bleep] in his mouth!

That is true.

- Do you ever stop eating? Ever?
- Only when I'm [bleep].

Okay.

- But me and you, right?
- Me and you what?

I mean.
We were in the same boat.

Nope, you two
were in the same boat.

You both [bleep]
in someone's mouth.

I didn't get to [bleep]
in anyone's mouth!

"Get to"?

When do I get to [bleep]
in anybody's mouth, huh?

When do I get to [bleep]
in somebody's mouth?

- Steven!
- Hon... I... No.

These guys... I can explain this.
I can explain this.

You...

Oh, you're disgusted?

You... oh, now,
you're gonna leave?

Oh, yeah.
That's great. Oh, yeah.

Once again,
I'm the asshole.

Good evening,
my fellow Americans.

Now, as you know, sometimes
during the chaos

of a presidential campaign,

It's easy to forget the beauty
of the democratic process...

This is it!

Armageddon!

I mean, y'all got to
vote for me, y'all, you have to!

Or we gonna get banked over
by a bunch of bitch-ass billionaires!

This is
my anger translator, Luther,

Who... I thought
had the day off.

What the [bleep] are you
doing here, Luther?

Anyway,
I think that everybody

needs to take a moment
to appreciate

that our political system
truly works.

Unless Romney wins,
and then the [bleep] is broke!

And despite the heated
rhetoric of a campaign, there's

always a place
for civil discourse.

As long as you got a few
million dollars lying around

so you can counteract
all the negative ads.

Hey, Romney and Karl Rove

and all you evil mother[bleep]
with your slimy-ass super PACs,

Y'all done poked a hornet's nest
with a sugar stick.

Y'all slapped Frankenstein
right in the bolts, man.

Uhh!

And you know what,
after I win this?

I'm taking all y'all down.

Thank you,

And I'll see you all
on the campaign trail.

And when you give me
your babies to kiss,

please clean they diapers,
all right?

'cause I ain't trying
to kiss no poop!

Just wash they ass.

You know,
just wash their ass.

It's true.
You should wash their ass.

How come in every
Stephen King book or movie...

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

a black person
has got to have special powers?

Yeah,
Green Mile.

And the mouse is alive.

- Right.
- I mean, you know what I mean?

Okay.
Tom Hanks' (bleep) works.

- That's right.
- You know what I mean?

It's just, like...

Bees coming out
of this mother-[bleep] mouth.

- Aah.
- I mean, you know what I mean?

And in The Stand, the woman...
you know, she had...

She was clairvoyant? Oh, yeah.

Oh, Mama Abagail
gonna show you the way.

- That's...oh, yeah.
- Yeah.

- I want to go to Maine...
- Yes.

So I can meet
all these magical black people.

That is where magical
black people go to retire.

I-I...yeah, right...
oh, okay.

So your office is
all the way down at the end.

You have your own attached
bathroom, by the way.

Oh, um, here's one
of our best researchers. Dick?

- Hey.
- Ah, hello there.

What's up, dude?

Glad to see there's another brother
in this stuffy place.

- So, uh, this is gonna be
your assistant, Genevieve.

- Genevieve, I'm...
- What is this?

It's the Shining, man.

All black people
have the Shining.

You never shined with
another black person before?

No, I grew up in a white neighborhood
and then went to Dartmouth.

I've met other black people before,
but not like this.

You gotta get shined at
by another black person first,

and then you get it.
It's kinda like Facebook.

What up, dudes?

So every black person has this?
Is Kobe listening?

Yo, what up?

Wow! Denzel Washington?

I'm here, I'm present,
and I will always be around.

- Lil' Jon?
- Yeah!

Excuse me, Lil' Jon. Welcome, Ray.

I'm glad to have you
on board.

Oh, [bleep]!
What's up, Barack Obama?

Ahem!

Wouldn't that be something
if Barack Obama just showed up?

Your start-up paperwork's
right over here.

Man, you gotta be more careful.

Learn to use the Shining.

Tune in and out of it.

And I'm sick of these
goddamn snakes...

- Just give me the basketball!
- ...on this goddamn plane!

Here, yo, Coco, what
you want to drink, girl?

Leo, what are you doing?

Drink some colt 45 malt liquor.

Women dig chocolate!

Is everything okay?

Ray! Listen for Morgan.

Morgan Freeman.
He will guide you.

Listen to my voice, Ray.

Now, just stay calm
and focus on that white man.

Once you finish up this paperwork,
bring it to Jennifer in my office.

Now, pick up that letter opener,

and kill
that white man.

Have an amazing Halloween.

- Uh, we are not going...
- ♪ Hee-ya! ♪

♪ Oh, sham on! ♪

- Don't encourage him.
- Shamone! Oh!

Close to your face!
- No, don't.

We're not doing that.

Sham on!

Sham on! Sham on! Sham on!
Sham on! Sham on!

Sham on!

Ah! Ha!

Close to your face!
- No! All right.

Look at him,
he looks like...

you look like Michael Jackson
after he got burnt

- Good night,
everybody!

♪ I'm gonna do my one line here ♪

Oh, yeah!