Key and Peele (2012–2015): Season 2, Episode 7 - Episode #2.7 - full transcript
New Key & Peele airs Wednesdays on Comedy Central. Sketches include a guy chasing his girlfriend to the ends of the Earth, and LMFAO literally cannot stop partying.
Good evening,
my fellow Americans.
I'd just to thank you
for your continued faith
(screaming)
We won!
That's my anger translator,
Luther.
Whoo!
Yeah! What's up?
♪ Mm mm-mm mm ♪
♪ Mm mm mm-mm ♪
But I want to wish
my opponent, Mitt Romney, well.
He ran a good campaign.
Take that [bleep]
back to the lab, Mitt,
'cause you lost!
And now we move forward
with pressing issues.
We gonna pass Healthcare
again.
Now what, bitches?
While we had huge turnout
from our faithful supporters...
Thank you, black folks!
We made it to two elections
in a row, man!
Now how hard was that?
All your votes were crucial
in this victory.
White people
who voted for me,
y'all are all now
honorary black people.
So thank you
for your support.
And [bleep] you
if you tried to [bleep] me!
I mean, you know how much money
they tried to spend
to get rid of this?
Millions, son!
I said millions!
But you couldn't get rid
of a [bleep].
Aw, naw.
Yeah, can't touch this.
Luther.
N... Luther,
what'd I tell you?
No Hammer dancing.
Come on, "B"!
We won!
Let's do it, dog!
No, I'm, uh,
I-I-I told you,
I don't want you
doing it wrong.
- Ohh.
- You gotta get it right.
- Ohh!
- If you're gonna do it...
God bless America.
Oh, that's right,
that's right.
Say it, though.
Say it!
Now, I-I-I told you, homeboy,
U can't touch this.
- Hey! Whoa!
- Hey!
Hey!
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
All right,
all right, all right!
- All right.
- All right.
Thank you so much. Thank you.
I'm Keegan-Michael Key.
- I'm Jordan Peele.
- And this is Key and Peele.
- Thank you...
- Welcome to the show.
- ...for coming out tonight.
- Yes, welcome to the show.
Um, are you guys
sick of politics?
Yeah!
Okay.
Okay.
We're done.
Well, thank God.
- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
- We are finished for a while.
Anyway...
We have this theory
that these pop stars
that claim that
they party all the time,
- There's no way...
- It's impossible.
That they actually party
that much.
- Can't party full time.
- You can't do that.
But no-one ever writes
a pop song about resting.
♪ Today's the day ♪
♪ That I put my head down
and rest ♪
- I mean, it's like...
- Yeah, you don't get that.
Where's that song?
Party, party, party.
You can't party that much.
Nobody can party that much.
You're partying too much,
And it's gotta take a toll
eventually, I'm sick of it!
It will!
(laughter)
♪ Well, tonight
we gonna party ♪
♪ Till the party don't stop ♪
♪ And the party don't stop ♪
♪ Because it
keeps on going nonstop ♪
♪ Gonna party all night ♪
♪ Gonna keep
this party going ♪
♪ 'cause the party
won't stop ♪
♪ It's been two straight days
and the party's still going ♪
♪ Two, three, four, five,
six, seven days ♪
♪ Till it's Friday again
and the party keeps going ♪
♪ Party all night
'cause it's an all-night party ♪
♪ Friday night, 9:00 p.m. ♪
♪ Hop in the car,
call my friends ♪
♪ Drinks in the back,
girls up front ♪
♪ We're going to a party,
sending texts ♪
♪ Cell phone rings,
iPad, Facebook, party time ♪
♪ Skin-tight jeans,
Friday night ♪
♪ Dance, dance, dance ♪
♪ 'cause tonight we goin' out
and we ain't comin' back ♪
♪ 'cause the party won't stop
and we'll go all night ♪
♪ Friday night, every night,
the party's going down ♪
♪ Down, down, down, down,
down, down, down, down, down ♪
♪ New York City,
L.A., Chicago ♪
♪ Houston, Philly,
San Diego ♪
♪ Phoenix, Austin,
Fort Worth, Boston ♪
♪ Memphis, Denver,
Portland, Vegas ♪
♪ Tucson, Fresno,
Akron, Tampa ♪
♪ Pittsburgh, Newark,
Plano, Lincoln ♪
♪ Lubbock, Durham,
Salem, Dayton ♪
♪ Cities, cities,
cities, cities ♪
♪ 'cause tonight we going out
and we ain't comin' back ♪
♪ 'cause the party won't stop
and we'll go all night ♪
♪ Friday night, every night,
the party's going down ♪
♪ Down, down, down, down,
down, down, down, down, down ♪
♪ New York City,
L.A., Chicago ♪
♪ Houston, Philly,
San Diego ♪
♪ Phoenix, Austin,
Fort Worth, Boston ♪
♪ Memphis, Denver,
Portland, Vegas ♪
♪ Tucson, Fresno,
Akron, Tampa ♪
♪ Pittsburgh, Newark,
Plano, Lincoln ♪
♪ Lubbock, Durham,
Salem, Dayton ♪
♪ Cities, cities,
cities, cities ♪
♪ Cities! ♪
♪ Yeah, we're gonna
keep it going ♪
♪ Till the break of
break of dawn ♪
♪ Then we'll just
keep partying all day long ♪
♪ Hot girls, music, dancing,
and bikinis and headphones ♪
♪ Party, party, party, party,
party, party, party, party ♪
♪ ♪
♪ So tonight we're gonna party
till the party don't stop ♪
- Now go... Look at that.
- What?
- That's amazing.
- He's so good at this.
- Amazing.
- I know, look at your points.
Oh! Oh!
Oh!
Nice! Nice!
Yes. Dude.
You have absolutely
mastered this game.
Yeah, well, since,
um, Sheila left,
I've been spending
a lot of time playing the game.
- You're doing really good.
- Thank you.
That's why
we're here, man.
Help you get over Sh... her.
And check out this
awesome new game you have!
Yay.
You know, I left something
in another room.
Um, excuse me, everyone.
Oh, he still
has the sensors on.
- Oh, look.
- Is that him in his room?
Yeah. You can see him.
That's funny. What is he doing?
Is he... is he on his knees?
- Did he drop to his knees?
- Oh, n...
- Oh...
- That... that...
He's probably looking for...
No, look.
He's... he's crying.
- He's crying. Oh, no.
- He's just...
- No, no, he's shuddering.
- That's just shaking.
He's shuddering.
Is he fetal?
Yeah, he curled up.
Look at that. He's fetal.
Hey, Craig, buddy.
You all right up there?
Oh, yeah, I'm... I'm... I'm...
I'm coming right out.
Oh, he... um...
Hey, man, you all right?
Yes. Yeah. Oh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
It's just, uh, my sinuses...
(sniffs) are acting up. Yeah.
Yeah, I, um...
I was just... you know, I was
just thinking about Sheila,
and you know what?
I'm... I am totally over her.
- Awesome.
- Awesome.
Let's... hey,
let's get this party started.
Sure.
Oh.
Uh...
I forgot to get rid of this
picture of Sheila. Excuse me.
Hey, maybe leave the sensors
so one of us can play.
Oh, he's dancing.
He's dancing with the photo.
Is he ki...
He's doing...
he's doing this a bunch.
- All right.
- Is he kissing it?
I think he's kissing it.
Know what?
I'm gonna turn this off.
- 'cause we don't need to...
- You change it and you die.
He's undoing his buckle.
Look at this.
His pants are coming off.
His pants are coming off.
- Oh, God.
- Yeah.
No, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no.
- Okay, that's happening.
- Oh, no, no, no.
- My God.
- Is he... He's...
He is totally on the bed.
- Yeah.
He's totally flat
on the bed.
Oh, maybe he's shaking a can...
of hairspray...
- Oh! Oh, God.
- Oh, gross.
We sh... we shouldn't be...
Okay, you know...
Is he reaching down
for his foot?
- I don't...
- That's his foot, isn't it?
- Is that his foot?
- I don't know.
And coming back.
Whew.
I am sorry, everybody.
Would you like me
to make some snacks?
Wash your hands first?
You know, we both spend
a good deal of time in Chicago,
and, uh, when you go to Chicago,
to Wrigleyville,
The bars around that ar...
Whoo!
- Mm. It's just...
- They're drunk.
- They get [bleep] up.
We saw one time
a string of five women,
And there was a woman,
like, hanging on...
It was like woman, woman,
woman, woman, Raggedy Ann doll.
It was just...
She was just,
like, doing this, like...
Anyway, Sophia's never gonna
get back to the car, seriously.
What the [bleep]
am I supposed to...
- She was supposed to be driving!
- Get off me!
I've [bleep]
never driven an Audi.
How do you drive an Audi,
Sophia?
Get the [bleep] off of me.
You can't even [bleep]...
fine.
And she... boom.
She drops.
Pretty much.
So this scene
is about that girl.
- Are you kidding me?
- No!
Seriously, you've gotta
come back in the bar right now.
You come back in the bar!
Megan, I don't even
[bleep] know Claire!
Yeah, right!
I'm sorry!
You left your jacket!
Yeah, well, why don't you give it
to your new, fat, ugly girlfriend?
- I haven't even met her yet!
- Whatever!
You left your jacket,
Megan!
- Oh, throw it in a river!
- Why would I [bleep] do that?
- I don't care, I'm over it!
- Fine!
God.
- Megan!
- Leave me alone!
Your jacket, though!
- No!
- Seriously, Megan!
You start buying drinks
for everybody
As soon as she comes over.
I mean, who does that?
Megan,
come back to the bar!
- You're literally an asshole!
- How is that possible?
I can't be an asshole.
I got arms and legs and a head!
- Where's my jacket?
- I have your jacket!
- Fine.
- Do you want it?
No!
- You know wha...
- Eat it!
Why would I do that?
You know what?
I'm not following you anymore!
- I'm done!
- Fine! I'm over it!
Fine!
- Megan, come back to the bar.
- No!
- Megan! Megan! Megan!
- Uh-uh! No! Uh-uh!
Megan, do you want
your [bleep] jacket?
No!
Seriously,
come back to the bar.
You go back to the bar.
I'm gonna throw
this jacket in the water.
Oh, nice.
That's really nice.
What do you want me to do,
Megan? Damn!
Kiss my butthole, okay?
Good! Fine! Fine! Then I'm going!
I'm leaving right now!
God damn it!
- Megan!
- No!
- Like, seriously, your jacket!
- No!
- But it's your jacket, though!
- Whatever!
- Megan!
- No!
I have your j...
I have your jacket.
I'm over it!
Seriously, Meg...
You know what I mean?
Why you readin', bitch?
Because I like to read,
and this is a really good book.
You're a really good bitch,
bitch.
Why you gotta
bother me, man?
Because.
I'm not doing
very well in school.
I'm reading
at a third-grade level.
I really don't want
to get left back,
so when I see somebody
reading for fun,
it makes me feel
that much more stupid!
And then I get mad!
Um, I didn't
know that. I...
Thanks so much
for opening up to me...
- Shut up, queer!
- I don't understand.
Why... I mean,
why you gotta go there?
I've been having
sexual fantasies
about some of
the other guys at school.
- What?
- Gimme that!
I'm afraid of these feelings
and what they might mean.
It's like, because
I hate myself so much,
I gotta point that hate outward
towards you!
You understand this
on such a deep level that...
- I don't understand [bleep]!
- Whoa!
Now I'm gonna
punish you physically
for acknowledging
my emotional problems!
Wait, wait, wait,
I was gonna say if you
understand yourself so well,
then maybe you should
try working on changing it.
Of course
I want to change it!
But it's the only
defense mechanism I have
against deeper, more terrifying
problems buried inside of me!
You're lucky my Dad's here.
(piano music)
Get in the damn truck, son.
I need to take you home and beat
on you 'cause I hate myself.
And you look like
your mother who left me.
Then I'm gonna block out
the guilt I feel over mistreating you
with a river of vodka.
I'm gonna internalize that
and unknowingly transfer it
onto you tomorrow.
Coming reluctantly.
So Jordan and I...
we, um...
We like global affairs.
I like playing Risk.
Yeah, Risk is a gr...
yeah, mm-hmm, example.
Africa's
very interesting to us.
- Yes, yes.
- We find Africa interesting.
That's... Africa
is perplexing to me
Because that is...
that's a place
where you will have the evilest
mother[bleep] walking around,
and they're wearing
a Ducktales shirt.
You're like, wha...
How did he?
Why does he have...
What is going on?
You know, it's just...
It's kind of like America,
if you think about it,
'cause especially
in the '90s,
you walk down the worst
neighborhood in Amer...
You know you are in trouble
if a mother[bleep]
got a Tweety shirt on.
Twee... yeah.
"You come down the wrong
neighborhood, Puddy T."
Commander Bujune!
Our forces
have been devastated.
The enemy is at the edge
of the village.
There are not
many of us left.
Should we surrender?
You may surrender, Jengo.
But I am afraid that is
a luxury I cannot afford.
You have no idea
what they do to warlords.
If they capture me,
they will torture me for weeks.
That is no way to go.
I want you, my most trusted
soldier over the age of eight,
to take my life.
That is my final order.
Aah!
Oh! Oh! Oh! Ow!
Ow! No, do... no!
Aah, stop, stop!
What the hell are you doing?
Haa!
I was trying
to kill you, sir.
Not with this!
There's a gun in the drawer!
Aah!
Oh.
So sorry. Okay.
Amazing.
You missed every
vital organ, Jengo.
- Oh...
- Found it.
All right, now kill me, Jengo.
Hurry, please!
Not in the knee!
I thought you might
want an open casket.
You are an idiot!
Don't say that.
I did try my best.
Shoot me in the head,
you imbecile!
God.
Good-bye, commander.
You sorry-ass piece of sh...
(gun clicks)
Did you just insult me
as you were about to fire?
Oh, well,
you had insulted me earlier.
I th... I thought
you would be dead.
Ah, ooh. So sorry.
Ow!
Ow! Ow! Ow!
Stop... stop it!
What the hell are you doing?
The gun is empty.
Would you like I stab you again?
No, no, no! Please!
Jengo, there are bullets!
They are over there!
Okay.
Jengo, please hurry!
I am in agony!
Ow!
What the blazes, man?
I thought
I could kill you very quick.
by hitting you
with that big cooking pot.
Oh, my God, would you please,
I mean, please get it over with?
I did not
find the bullets.
- What?
- But better.
Boiling hot water.
What are you
going to do with...
I surrender!
I am the general
Dominique Bujune!
Commander! Don't go!
They'll torture you!
Well, you guys like, uh...
You guys like Ryan Gosling?
Yeah.
- But dude does not act, though.
- No, that's the thing.
He does not act.
He's not doing anything.
That's his secret
is he's got...
He uses the Kuleshov Effect.
That's the thing.
- Coolest... what?
- The Kuleshov Effect.
It's... it just means
that he doesn't have...
Like, all you have to know
is what the movie's about,
and then he just
has to look like this,
and then you think
he's thinking that.
That's his gift.
You know, it's like... you know...
"In a world where a man
loses his father..."
And then it's
just his face going...
And then you go,
"Oh, man, Ryan Gosling is sad."
Mm, [bleep] hot.
I don't care how he acts.
He can make
all the non-faces he wants.
Okay, man, you know what?
It wasn't my fault, all right?
I-I-I-I had the money
like you said
in a trash bag
in the back of my car,
and I was gonna go
straight to the drop spot.
All right?
No, no... Hol... Okay.
Okay, okay.
Okay, no... no, hey,
hey, hey, hey, man.
There ain't no need for you
to get comfortable.
Okay? Because... because
I'm telling you, man.
What happened
wasn't my fault, all right?
I-I-I-I-I-I drove to
the agreed upon location, man.
Oh... oh, man.
What?
Okay... okay, okay!
Okay, bec... bec... okay.
Because there's no need to have
anything crazy in a paper bag.
I'm telling you.
There's an explanation
for what went down!
Whoa! Whoa!
Whoa! Whoa! Okay!
Let's calm down now.
Let's calm down, man.
There ain't no need.
Oh, not a juice box?
There ain't no need
to eat a meal
and then do
some crazy [bleep]
with the sandwich container
and the juice box!
Oh, man, come on.
Come on, man.
Just chill out a little bit.
Just... you need
to relax, man.
You need to
take it easy and rela...
Oh, [bleep]!
Oh, goddamn!
Now, come on, man!
Don't do it, don't do it!
Don't do it, man! You sh...
come on, man.
Oh, you're eating the sandwich!
You're eating the sandwich.
Oh, man, how you gonna
sandwich me, dog?
How you gonna sandwich me?
Oh, [bleep]!
Okay, look,
it's gettin' crazy now!
It's gotta stop!
It's gotta stop right now, okay?
You cleanin' yourself up before
you do some ill [bleep]?
Come on, man!
What you doin'?
What you wanna know?
What... I'll tell you
whatever you wanna know, man!
Just please stop
this cold-ass [bleep], man!
I'm beggin' you, dog, please.
Oh, [bleep]! No! No, okay!
Look, okay, may... maybe it was
my fault a little bit.
Maybe it was my fault
a little bit, but don't just...
What you gonna do
with that juice box, man?
What're you gonna
do with that j...
What're you gonna
do with the straw?
What're you gonna
do with the straw?
Come on, man, do...
listen, listen.
No, no. No, I did it! I did it!
I did it, okay? I did it!
I did it, I left the car!
I left for three minutes!
So please don't do anything
with the straw!
Why aren't you stopping?
Fine! Fine!
Aah!
Aah! Man!
Okay, man!
Ha, ha! I beat you to it!
Okay? I got your point,
all right, man?
Ha!
Oh, man, that's a bitch!
Will we be having any more
problems out of him, sir?
No.
Yeah. That's what
I'm talkin' about.
Seriously, we're done.
So just say good-bye,
Megan.
- No!
- Say it!
Uh-uh!
- Say good-bye!
- No!
Would you [bleep]
say good-bye?
- Get away from me!
- Just say it!
You are literally
an asshole!
Bye, man! Say good-bye!
(cheers and applause)
♪ I'm gonna do
my one line here ♪
Oh, yeah.
my fellow Americans.
I'd just to thank you
for your continued faith
(screaming)
We won!
That's my anger translator,
Luther.
Whoo!
Yeah! What's up?
♪ Mm mm-mm mm ♪
♪ Mm mm mm-mm ♪
But I want to wish
my opponent, Mitt Romney, well.
He ran a good campaign.
Take that [bleep]
back to the lab, Mitt,
'cause you lost!
And now we move forward
with pressing issues.
We gonna pass Healthcare
again.
Now what, bitches?
While we had huge turnout
from our faithful supporters...
Thank you, black folks!
We made it to two elections
in a row, man!
Now how hard was that?
All your votes were crucial
in this victory.
White people
who voted for me,
y'all are all now
honorary black people.
So thank you
for your support.
And [bleep] you
if you tried to [bleep] me!
I mean, you know how much money
they tried to spend
to get rid of this?
Millions, son!
I said millions!
But you couldn't get rid
of a [bleep].
Aw, naw.
Yeah, can't touch this.
Luther.
N... Luther,
what'd I tell you?
No Hammer dancing.
Come on, "B"!
We won!
Let's do it, dog!
No, I'm, uh,
I-I-I told you,
I don't want you
doing it wrong.
- Ohh.
- You gotta get it right.
- Ohh!
- If you're gonna do it...
God bless America.
Oh, that's right,
that's right.
Say it, though.
Say it!
Now, I-I-I told you, homeboy,
U can't touch this.
- Hey! Whoa!
- Hey!
Hey!
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
All right,
all right, all right!
- All right.
- All right.
Thank you so much. Thank you.
I'm Keegan-Michael Key.
- I'm Jordan Peele.
- And this is Key and Peele.
- Thank you...
- Welcome to the show.
- ...for coming out tonight.
- Yes, welcome to the show.
Um, are you guys
sick of politics?
Yeah!
Okay.
Okay.
We're done.
Well, thank God.
- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
- We are finished for a while.
Anyway...
We have this theory
that these pop stars
that claim that
they party all the time,
- There's no way...
- It's impossible.
That they actually party
that much.
- Can't party full time.
- You can't do that.
But no-one ever writes
a pop song about resting.
♪ Today's the day ♪
♪ That I put my head down
and rest ♪
- I mean, it's like...
- Yeah, you don't get that.
Where's that song?
Party, party, party.
You can't party that much.
Nobody can party that much.
You're partying too much,
And it's gotta take a toll
eventually, I'm sick of it!
It will!
(laughter)
♪ Well, tonight
we gonna party ♪
♪ Till the party don't stop ♪
♪ And the party don't stop ♪
♪ Because it
keeps on going nonstop ♪
♪ Gonna party all night ♪
♪ Gonna keep
this party going ♪
♪ 'cause the party
won't stop ♪
♪ It's been two straight days
and the party's still going ♪
♪ Two, three, four, five,
six, seven days ♪
♪ Till it's Friday again
and the party keeps going ♪
♪ Party all night
'cause it's an all-night party ♪
♪ Friday night, 9:00 p.m. ♪
♪ Hop in the car,
call my friends ♪
♪ Drinks in the back,
girls up front ♪
♪ We're going to a party,
sending texts ♪
♪ Cell phone rings,
iPad, Facebook, party time ♪
♪ Skin-tight jeans,
Friday night ♪
♪ Dance, dance, dance ♪
♪ 'cause tonight we goin' out
and we ain't comin' back ♪
♪ 'cause the party won't stop
and we'll go all night ♪
♪ Friday night, every night,
the party's going down ♪
♪ Down, down, down, down,
down, down, down, down, down ♪
♪ New York City,
L.A., Chicago ♪
♪ Houston, Philly,
San Diego ♪
♪ Phoenix, Austin,
Fort Worth, Boston ♪
♪ Memphis, Denver,
Portland, Vegas ♪
♪ Tucson, Fresno,
Akron, Tampa ♪
♪ Pittsburgh, Newark,
Plano, Lincoln ♪
♪ Lubbock, Durham,
Salem, Dayton ♪
♪ Cities, cities,
cities, cities ♪
♪ 'cause tonight we going out
and we ain't comin' back ♪
♪ 'cause the party won't stop
and we'll go all night ♪
♪ Friday night, every night,
the party's going down ♪
♪ Down, down, down, down,
down, down, down, down, down ♪
♪ New York City,
L.A., Chicago ♪
♪ Houston, Philly,
San Diego ♪
♪ Phoenix, Austin,
Fort Worth, Boston ♪
♪ Memphis, Denver,
Portland, Vegas ♪
♪ Tucson, Fresno,
Akron, Tampa ♪
♪ Pittsburgh, Newark,
Plano, Lincoln ♪
♪ Lubbock, Durham,
Salem, Dayton ♪
♪ Cities, cities,
cities, cities ♪
♪ Cities! ♪
♪ Yeah, we're gonna
keep it going ♪
♪ Till the break of
break of dawn ♪
♪ Then we'll just
keep partying all day long ♪
♪ Hot girls, music, dancing,
and bikinis and headphones ♪
♪ Party, party, party, party,
party, party, party, party ♪
♪ ♪
♪ So tonight we're gonna party
till the party don't stop ♪
- Now go... Look at that.
- What?
- That's amazing.
- He's so good at this.
- Amazing.
- I know, look at your points.
Oh! Oh!
Oh!
Nice! Nice!
Yes. Dude.
You have absolutely
mastered this game.
Yeah, well, since,
um, Sheila left,
I've been spending
a lot of time playing the game.
- You're doing really good.
- Thank you.
That's why
we're here, man.
Help you get over Sh... her.
And check out this
awesome new game you have!
Yay.
You know, I left something
in another room.
Um, excuse me, everyone.
Oh, he still
has the sensors on.
- Oh, look.
- Is that him in his room?
Yeah. You can see him.
That's funny. What is he doing?
Is he... is he on his knees?
- Did he drop to his knees?
- Oh, n...
- Oh...
- That... that...
He's probably looking for...
No, look.
He's... he's crying.
- He's crying. Oh, no.
- He's just...
- No, no, he's shuddering.
- That's just shaking.
He's shuddering.
Is he fetal?
Yeah, he curled up.
Look at that. He's fetal.
Hey, Craig, buddy.
You all right up there?
Oh, yeah, I'm... I'm... I'm...
I'm coming right out.
Oh, he... um...
Hey, man, you all right?
Yes. Yeah. Oh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
It's just, uh, my sinuses...
(sniffs) are acting up. Yeah.
Yeah, I, um...
I was just... you know, I was
just thinking about Sheila,
and you know what?
I'm... I am totally over her.
- Awesome.
- Awesome.
Let's... hey,
let's get this party started.
Sure.
Oh.
Uh...
I forgot to get rid of this
picture of Sheila. Excuse me.
Hey, maybe leave the sensors
so one of us can play.
Oh, he's dancing.
He's dancing with the photo.
Is he ki...
He's doing...
he's doing this a bunch.
- All right.
- Is he kissing it?
I think he's kissing it.
Know what?
I'm gonna turn this off.
- 'cause we don't need to...
- You change it and you die.
He's undoing his buckle.
Look at this.
His pants are coming off.
His pants are coming off.
- Oh, God.
- Yeah.
No, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no.
- Okay, that's happening.
- Oh, no, no, no.
- My God.
- Is he... He's...
He is totally on the bed.
- Yeah.
He's totally flat
on the bed.
Oh, maybe he's shaking a can...
of hairspray...
- Oh! Oh, God.
- Oh, gross.
We sh... we shouldn't be...
Okay, you know...
Is he reaching down
for his foot?
- I don't...
- That's his foot, isn't it?
- Is that his foot?
- I don't know.
And coming back.
Whew.
I am sorry, everybody.
Would you like me
to make some snacks?
Wash your hands first?
You know, we both spend
a good deal of time in Chicago,
and, uh, when you go to Chicago,
to Wrigleyville,
The bars around that ar...
Whoo!
- Mm. It's just...
- They're drunk.
- They get [bleep] up.
We saw one time
a string of five women,
And there was a woman,
like, hanging on...
It was like woman, woman,
woman, woman, Raggedy Ann doll.
It was just...
She was just,
like, doing this, like...
Anyway, Sophia's never gonna
get back to the car, seriously.
What the [bleep]
am I supposed to...
- She was supposed to be driving!
- Get off me!
I've [bleep]
never driven an Audi.
How do you drive an Audi,
Sophia?
Get the [bleep] off of me.
You can't even [bleep]...
fine.
And she... boom.
She drops.
Pretty much.
So this scene
is about that girl.
- Are you kidding me?
- No!
Seriously, you've gotta
come back in the bar right now.
You come back in the bar!
Megan, I don't even
[bleep] know Claire!
Yeah, right!
I'm sorry!
You left your jacket!
Yeah, well, why don't you give it
to your new, fat, ugly girlfriend?
- I haven't even met her yet!
- Whatever!
You left your jacket,
Megan!
- Oh, throw it in a river!
- Why would I [bleep] do that?
- I don't care, I'm over it!
- Fine!
God.
- Megan!
- Leave me alone!
Your jacket, though!
- No!
- Seriously, Megan!
You start buying drinks
for everybody
As soon as she comes over.
I mean, who does that?
Megan,
come back to the bar!
- You're literally an asshole!
- How is that possible?
I can't be an asshole.
I got arms and legs and a head!
- Where's my jacket?
- I have your jacket!
- Fine.
- Do you want it?
No!
- You know wha...
- Eat it!
Why would I do that?
You know what?
I'm not following you anymore!
- I'm done!
- Fine! I'm over it!
Fine!
- Megan, come back to the bar.
- No!
- Megan! Megan! Megan!
- Uh-uh! No! Uh-uh!
Megan, do you want
your [bleep] jacket?
No!
Seriously,
come back to the bar.
You go back to the bar.
I'm gonna throw
this jacket in the water.
Oh, nice.
That's really nice.
What do you want me to do,
Megan? Damn!
Kiss my butthole, okay?
Good! Fine! Fine! Then I'm going!
I'm leaving right now!
God damn it!
- Megan!
- No!
- Like, seriously, your jacket!
- No!
- But it's your jacket, though!
- Whatever!
- Megan!
- No!
I have your j...
I have your jacket.
I'm over it!
Seriously, Meg...
You know what I mean?
Why you readin', bitch?
Because I like to read,
and this is a really good book.
You're a really good bitch,
bitch.
Why you gotta
bother me, man?
Because.
I'm not doing
very well in school.
I'm reading
at a third-grade level.
I really don't want
to get left back,
so when I see somebody
reading for fun,
it makes me feel
that much more stupid!
And then I get mad!
Um, I didn't
know that. I...
Thanks so much
for opening up to me...
- Shut up, queer!
- I don't understand.
Why... I mean,
why you gotta go there?
I've been having
sexual fantasies
about some of
the other guys at school.
- What?
- Gimme that!
I'm afraid of these feelings
and what they might mean.
It's like, because
I hate myself so much,
I gotta point that hate outward
towards you!
You understand this
on such a deep level that...
- I don't understand [bleep]!
- Whoa!
Now I'm gonna
punish you physically
for acknowledging
my emotional problems!
Wait, wait, wait,
I was gonna say if you
understand yourself so well,
then maybe you should
try working on changing it.
Of course
I want to change it!
But it's the only
defense mechanism I have
against deeper, more terrifying
problems buried inside of me!
You're lucky my Dad's here.
(piano music)
Get in the damn truck, son.
I need to take you home and beat
on you 'cause I hate myself.
And you look like
your mother who left me.
Then I'm gonna block out
the guilt I feel over mistreating you
with a river of vodka.
I'm gonna internalize that
and unknowingly transfer it
onto you tomorrow.
Coming reluctantly.
So Jordan and I...
we, um...
We like global affairs.
I like playing Risk.
Yeah, Risk is a gr...
yeah, mm-hmm, example.
Africa's
very interesting to us.
- Yes, yes.
- We find Africa interesting.
That's... Africa
is perplexing to me
Because that is...
that's a place
where you will have the evilest
mother[bleep] walking around,
and they're wearing
a Ducktales shirt.
You're like, wha...
How did he?
Why does he have...
What is going on?
You know, it's just...
It's kind of like America,
if you think about it,
'cause especially
in the '90s,
you walk down the worst
neighborhood in Amer...
You know you are in trouble
if a mother[bleep]
got a Tweety shirt on.
Twee... yeah.
"You come down the wrong
neighborhood, Puddy T."
Commander Bujune!
Our forces
have been devastated.
The enemy is at the edge
of the village.
There are not
many of us left.
Should we surrender?
You may surrender, Jengo.
But I am afraid that is
a luxury I cannot afford.
You have no idea
what they do to warlords.
If they capture me,
they will torture me for weeks.
That is no way to go.
I want you, my most trusted
soldier over the age of eight,
to take my life.
That is my final order.
Aah!
Oh! Oh! Oh! Ow!
Ow! No, do... no!
Aah, stop, stop!
What the hell are you doing?
Haa!
I was trying
to kill you, sir.
Not with this!
There's a gun in the drawer!
Aah!
Oh.
So sorry. Okay.
Amazing.
You missed every
vital organ, Jengo.
- Oh...
- Found it.
All right, now kill me, Jengo.
Hurry, please!
Not in the knee!
I thought you might
want an open casket.
You are an idiot!
Don't say that.
I did try my best.
Shoot me in the head,
you imbecile!
God.
Good-bye, commander.
You sorry-ass piece of sh...
(gun clicks)
Did you just insult me
as you were about to fire?
Oh, well,
you had insulted me earlier.
I th... I thought
you would be dead.
Ah, ooh. So sorry.
Ow!
Ow! Ow! Ow!
Stop... stop it!
What the hell are you doing?
The gun is empty.
Would you like I stab you again?
No, no, no! Please!
Jengo, there are bullets!
They are over there!
Okay.
Jengo, please hurry!
I am in agony!
Ow!
What the blazes, man?
I thought
I could kill you very quick.
by hitting you
with that big cooking pot.
Oh, my God, would you please,
I mean, please get it over with?
I did not
find the bullets.
- What?
- But better.
Boiling hot water.
What are you
going to do with...
I surrender!
I am the general
Dominique Bujune!
Commander! Don't go!
They'll torture you!
Well, you guys like, uh...
You guys like Ryan Gosling?
Yeah.
- But dude does not act, though.
- No, that's the thing.
He does not act.
He's not doing anything.
That's his secret
is he's got...
He uses the Kuleshov Effect.
That's the thing.
- Coolest... what?
- The Kuleshov Effect.
It's... it just means
that he doesn't have...
Like, all you have to know
is what the movie's about,
and then he just
has to look like this,
and then you think
he's thinking that.
That's his gift.
You know, it's like... you know...
"In a world where a man
loses his father..."
And then it's
just his face going...
And then you go,
"Oh, man, Ryan Gosling is sad."
Mm, [bleep] hot.
I don't care how he acts.
He can make
all the non-faces he wants.
Okay, man, you know what?
It wasn't my fault, all right?
I-I-I-I had the money
like you said
in a trash bag
in the back of my car,
and I was gonna go
straight to the drop spot.
All right?
No, no... Hol... Okay.
Okay, okay.
Okay, no... no, hey,
hey, hey, hey, man.
There ain't no need for you
to get comfortable.
Okay? Because... because
I'm telling you, man.
What happened
wasn't my fault, all right?
I-I-I-I-I-I drove to
the agreed upon location, man.
Oh... oh, man.
What?
Okay... okay, okay!
Okay, bec... bec... okay.
Because there's no need to have
anything crazy in a paper bag.
I'm telling you.
There's an explanation
for what went down!
Whoa! Whoa!
Whoa! Whoa! Okay!
Let's calm down now.
Let's calm down, man.
There ain't no need.
Oh, not a juice box?
There ain't no need
to eat a meal
and then do
some crazy [bleep]
with the sandwich container
and the juice box!
Oh, man, come on.
Come on, man.
Just chill out a little bit.
Just... you need
to relax, man.
You need to
take it easy and rela...
Oh, [bleep]!
Oh, goddamn!
Now, come on, man!
Don't do it, don't do it!
Don't do it, man! You sh...
come on, man.
Oh, you're eating the sandwich!
You're eating the sandwich.
Oh, man, how you gonna
sandwich me, dog?
How you gonna sandwich me?
Oh, [bleep]!
Okay, look,
it's gettin' crazy now!
It's gotta stop!
It's gotta stop right now, okay?
You cleanin' yourself up before
you do some ill [bleep]?
Come on, man!
What you doin'?
What you wanna know?
What... I'll tell you
whatever you wanna know, man!
Just please stop
this cold-ass [bleep], man!
I'm beggin' you, dog, please.
Oh, [bleep]! No! No, okay!
Look, okay, may... maybe it was
my fault a little bit.
Maybe it was my fault
a little bit, but don't just...
What you gonna do
with that juice box, man?
What're you gonna
do with that j...
What're you gonna
do with the straw?
What're you gonna
do with the straw?
Come on, man, do...
listen, listen.
No, no. No, I did it! I did it!
I did it, okay? I did it!
I did it, I left the car!
I left for three minutes!
So please don't do anything
with the straw!
Why aren't you stopping?
Fine! Fine!
Aah!
Aah! Man!
Okay, man!
Ha, ha! I beat you to it!
Okay? I got your point,
all right, man?
Ha!
Oh, man, that's a bitch!
Will we be having any more
problems out of him, sir?
No.
Yeah. That's what
I'm talkin' about.
Seriously, we're done.
So just say good-bye,
Megan.
- No!
- Say it!
Uh-uh!
- Say good-bye!
- No!
Would you [bleep]
say good-bye?
- Get away from me!
- Just say it!
You are literally
an asshole!
Bye, man! Say good-bye!
(cheers and applause)
♪ I'm gonna do
my one line here ♪
Oh, yeah.