Key and Peele (2012–2015): Season 2, Episode 5 - Episode #2.5 - full transcript

Good evening,
my fellow Americans.

With me, as always,
is my anger translator Luther.

Boom, Mitt!

I sunk your battleship, bitch!
What's up?!

To the American people, I just want
to say that the debates are over

but now is not a time
to tally points

or to, uh, keep the score.

2-1, Obama.

Game, set, match,
touchdown, homerun, checkmate.

Can we get back to work now?

Governor Romney,
in the recent debate,



I laid out the inconsistencies
in your stated beliefs.

Okay, Governor Rom... Listen,
I'm gonna tell you a little...

Governor Romney,
why are you smiling

while you're getting
your ass kicked?

Are we debating, or are you trying
to sell me a Lexus?

I directly questioned you
about your opposition

to the auto industry bailout.

On behalf of all the people in Detroit
that want to stab you,

I ask again,
why are you smiling?

I asked you about
your stance on Syria,

which you called
"Iran's route to the sea."

Hey... Dummy... Look!

Iran is on the sea.

Syria's two god damn
countries this way.



Bam...
which is a city in iran.

I even reminded you
that horses and bayonets

are not strategically valid
in modern warfare.

So like I said, it's time
to wipe that smug smile

off your sweaty, sweaty,
pasty-ass sweaty face.

I mean, Mitt,
do you need a towel?

Because your face is
straight up raining.

I spoke about brinksmanship
with Iran,

and you just said
you wanted a peaceful planet.

I mean, who let
Wavy Gravy up in here?

I'm sorry, Mitt.

If you want to be the first
mormon hippie,

you're gonna need to grow
your hair out, dog.

and quit smiling!

[bleep]!
This got me...

There were many times
where you even, uh,

inexplicably agreed with me.

Stop agreeing with me!

Are you trying to body snatch me
and become me

for the last two weeks
of the election?

I mean, what's...
I'm sorry, time out.

Sir, I'm, like,
legitimately concerned

that he's like an insane,
rich, crazy person who's gonna...

- Luther...
- Wait, okay, yeah.

- Calm down now.
- Okay.

I assure you,
Governor Romney's not insane.

- Okay.
- Thank you.

- No problem.
- In conclusion...

I greatly appreciated our
exchange on foreign policy.

But we all know the only
country that matters...

is Ohio.

You sweaty, smiley,

never-gonna-be-president
looking mother-[bleep].

- What?
- Hey...

Loosing up a little bit
over here.

And it's just about
[bleep]ing time.

- Hello!
- Hi.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you for coming.

Thank you so much.

Welcome to the show.
I'm Keegan-Michael Key.

- I am Jordan Peele.
- We are Key and Peele.

- Thank you for coming.
- Key... and Peele.

Thank you!

So...

The other day you and I
were talking about

why there are no longer
rap groups.

Rap groups.
Do you guys...

Do you know
what happened to rap groups?

There are rappers...
and there are collaborations.

Right.

- But there are no longer rap groups.
- Right.

Wu-Tang Clan... they had...

Oh, yeah.

- Right.
- These dudes...

- They had like 36 dudes on stage.
- Yeah, right.

- With like katana blades,
- What's a katana blade ?

dressed like [bleep] Ninja Turtles.

Or-or-or Public Enemy had...

You know, like one rapper,
a crazy man with a clock,

- and a security force.
- Yeah.

Arrested Development.
That's kind of rap group.

Yeah!

These dudes... they were
the first band, I think in history

just to have a black woman
on stage going like that...

- Right. Yeah, yeah.
- For no reason.

- There was just...
- There's no reason for it.

That's right.

And a little old man
in a rocking chair,

just an old man
in a rocking chair.

♪ Bone bone bone bone ♪

♪ Bone thugs and homeless ♪

♪ Bone bone bone ♪

♪ Said, brah,
that's what we gonna do ♪

♪ Where has everybody gone ♪

♪ Gone gone ♪

♪ Where have
all the people gone ♪

♪ How did we go broke ♪

♪ Think of all the lost hoes ♪

♪ Somehow we must've taken ♪

♪ A wrong turn at crossroads ♪

♪ Maybe we should change
our flow ♪

♪ But our flow is tight though ♪

♪ The harmony thing seems old ♪

♪ Something don't smell right, yo ♪

♪ We smelling like hell
and not doing too well ♪

♪ And we live in a system
where nobody's giving away ♪

♪ Every day, every day
Poop in different alleyways♪

♪ Homeless ♪
♪ bone ♪

♪ Homeless bone,
homeless bone, yeah ♪

♪ We piss and poop
in different alleyways ♪

♪ Can somebody spare
some change? ♪

♪ We spent all our money ♪

♪ can somebody - anybody -
spare some change ♪

♪ Listen to our tummies ♪

♪ Hey, man,
I miss my uncle Charles, y'all ♪

♪ He had some gall, having a ball ♪

♪ Brother can't even
return my calls ♪

♪ Bone bone bone, bone,
yeah ♪

♪ Bone thugs and homeless bone ♪

♪ Bone thugs and homeless bone ♪

♪ Bone thugs and homeless bone ♪

♪ We're so hungry...
We'll eat a bone ♪

Brock Favors here,

We are here live
at the Metro Police Department

canine training facility,

And we are going to be learning
some apprehension techniques

used by the canine unit.

Now, Officer Hanson, uh, I will
be playing the assailant today.

- Is that correct?
- Yeah, that's correct.

Now, Officer Hanson, I am
perfectly safe in this suit, right?

Yeah, you're 100% safe.

In fact, those are the suits
we use for officer training.

All right!
Well, there you go.

Well, kids, make sure
that you do not try this at home

with your chihuahuas.

Ow! Ow! Ow!
[bleep]!

Get this [bleep] off of me!
Get this [bleep] off of me!

Damn!
Get this [bleep] off of me!

[bleep]!

Oh, God damn!
Oh, God damn!

Oh, [bleep]!
Whoo!

Okie dokey.
I am sorry...

that, uh, you all just

heard me use that inappropriate
language that was very uncalled for.

- When you panic like that...
- Yeah.

He thinks you're more
of a threat than you are.

Uh-huh.

That's when he's gonna
bite down harder.

Okay, well, I will...
make an effort this time to...

really try and be
as calm as possible

even though it is
very difficult to be calm

when you're in the lion's den.

Or should I say the doggie den?
You know what I mean?

Oh, [bleep]!

Oh, [bleep]!
This dog is eating my junk!

He's eating my junk!
No!

Oh, [bleep]!
He's got my junk!

Aghh! Oh, my God!
Get him off me!

- That's, uh...
- You don't even know...

Oh, boy.

Until you've seen a dog go after
Keegan-Michael Key's testicles

Four takes in a row.

And this...
I love you came into that day cocky.

I couldn't wait. I was like,
"Let him go, let him do it!"

- He's like,
"I got the [bleep] suit on.

- Oh, man.

"He's not gonna be able
to penetrate."

Well, this whole area
was protected seven-fold.

So...I didn't feel anything
when the dog was there.

It's when I fell on the ground...
And they said,

"Let him go at it again while
Keegan's laying on the ground.

"Let him get in there
and get the crotch."

"Just get in there!"

- And that dog came
right in here, went bip!

and got my thigh.

And our magic word was "Uncle."

No one has ever said the word
"uncle" faster in their life.

I was like, "Ah! Ah!
Uncle-uncle-uncle-uncle-uncle!

"That's real! It's real!
It's real, it's real!"

- And then... you wanna know some...
- It's real!

You wanna know
some really scary [bleep]?

That dude that owned the dog...
My man said,

"Stop, stop, stop!
Nein!"

- This dog said...
- That dog was like...

That dog came up...

I think that I'm the worst
Halo player in the world.

You are
the worst Halo player.

I'm the worst Halo player
in the world. I played with my brother.

I realize I shouldn't have
brought that up.

Remember when my brother
came over that one time?

Yeah.

We just spent 25 minutes just going,

"Why don't you just go around
the backside of the cliff?

"I can't find...
Just get out of my way then.

"Well, how am I... There's a thing!
Don't shoot it! Shoot it!

"Oh! I'm off the cliff!"

You know, just fall off the cliff.
And then I...

- You know, then I'd reanimate.
- Just two grown-ass men.

Just two grown men who just
reverted to eight-year-olds.

So you can say
as much as you want.

But you can't say
the name of the celebrity

or any part of their name,
got it?

- Yeah.
- Yeah, we got it.

- We got it.
- You are so gonna lose.

Baby, you are going down.

Why don't you start the timer
and be amazed?

And... go.

Okay, this guy...
"E" equals MC squared.

- Albert Einstein.
- Yes, that is correct.

What?
That's easy. Hello?

Okay, this is the Terminator.

- Arnold Schwarzenegger!
- Yeah!

Okay, we got... we got...

Talking about, uh...
"Are you talking to me?"

- Robert De Niro!
- Yeah, yeah, yeah!

All right.
All right.

This person pretend to be
straight but he's really gay.

Me!

Uh, uh... he is, uh...

Excuse me.
He's living la vida loca.

Me.

- It's...
- No.

- Okay.
- He's a, um...

Latin pop star.

I'm not a Latin pop star.

No, you are not.
It's not you.

"He bangs, he bangs."

- Oh, Ricky Martin.
- That is correct.

I wrote that one too.

Tyrell about to come
out here right now.

- 'sup, ladies?
- Watch this, watch this.

Yo, Tyrell.

Yo, what up, Lawrence?

Hey, man, you wanna play
front hand, back hand?

- I don't know that game, man.
- It's easy, dog.

All you gotta do is say
"front hand" or "back hand."

- Aight, front hand.
- Ugh!

Bam! I got you, sucka!

Oh, okay. Okay.
I see how it is now.

Come on, man. Come on.
You know that [bleep] was funny]

- Back hand.
- Huh?

It's still my move, right?
I choose back hand this time.

- Really?
- Back hand, [bleep]!

Uh...

Oh!

- God damn!

Look, Ty, I'm sorry,
but I ain't sorry. Know what I mean?

I mean, you asked for it.
I mean, you literally asked for it.

Front hand!

What? No.
Why you wanna hit...

I... got it!
I figured it out.

Front hand!
No, back hand! Back hand!

No, look, look.
Dude... Hey...

If you want me to slap you
across the face back hand, I'll do it.

Okay?
Don't think I won't do it.

But you know that
I'm [bleep] with you, right?

I mean, there ain't no game
called "front hand, back hand."

- Oh!
- Right. Yeah, yeah.

Oh, dog!
Yeah, I get it. I get it.

All right,
all right, all right.

As soon as I get good
at "front hand, back hand",

you wanna stop playing.

Play what, man?

I made it up so I could
smack you in the face.

I'm about to smack you
in the face

as soon as it's my turn.
Back hand!

There ain't no turns,
[bleep],

'cause it ain't no game.

You ain't got no game,
[bleep].

Back hand!

Aghh!

Front hand.

Look, I don't know
if you're [bleep] with me

at this point or what...

but I don't wanna...
smack a [bleep] no more.

Where you going then?

Okay, forfeit.

Forfeit, [bleep], I win!
I win front hand, back hand!

Okay.
Me and you.

[bleep], me and you.
Me and you.

Hmm?
Back hand.

Ah!

Oh!

This November,
you gotta get out and vote!

It's all about democracy,
y'all.

Your vote gets counted with
the rest of the votes in the country

and they get sent off
to the Electoral College.

What's that?

The Electoral College
are a bunch of officials

who do the voting for us.

So in case we elect
the wrong person,

they can fix that shiz!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hold up.

- Who the hell are these people?
- Well, no one knows for sure,

But whoever they is, they the folks
who actually do the real voting

after we do our
pretend voting.

Yeah!

- Power to the...
- Hold the [bleep] on!

You're telling me
our votes don't matter?

Our votes are like
suggestions.

So this November, we should...

- Yeah!
- Dunk the vote!

You know what I really hate?
When, uh...

Girls be... it's usually
white girls to be honest.

I don't mean to make it racial,
but it is. Sorry.

White girls saying...
just dropping "awkward."

"Awkward."

Bitch, it wasn't awkward
till you said some [bleep].

What... who are you
pointing at, sir?

Oh, that's her?
She's doing the aw...

- Did that happen yesterday?
- Same way.

Same way.

- And everybody was gonna let it go.
- Everyone was gonna let it go.

- Everybody was gonna let it go.
- A moment of clarity.

Oh, man. But she had to provide
a moment of clarity.

She had to say...
"awkward."

That is how black women do it,
with the little...

- "Awkward."
- You ain't gon...

I'm metaphorically
locking the car door on you.

Bip.

Tisket, tasket...
- This one back here.

Green and yellow basket.

- This is a limousine.

Hello? Thanks for calling
Mario's Pizza.

- This is carlos speaking.
- Allo.

We would like a large pie

with pepperoni, pineapple,
and cheesy crust.

Large pepperoni
with pineapple and cheesy crust.

- We would also like
a large pie

with bacon, pineapple,
and... cheesy crust.

Large bacon, pineapple,
with cheesy crust. Okay.

Is that gonna complete
your order, sir?

You know what?
Let me gauge the room.

Uh, guys, are we gonna want
another pizza?

Let me just... who's hungry?
Show of hands.

Let me see 'em.
One, two, three...

Keep' em up.
Four, five, six.

- Ah, having a party. (chuckling)
- Yup. Pretty big one too.

Come on, guys, keep 'em up.
Hugo? Summer? Hans? Fu?

You know what,
let's play it safe.

Let's get another pie
with ham, pineapple.

All right, ham...

Oh, are you guys gonna need
cheesy crust on the third?

Good question.
I'll gauge the room.

Hey, guys, do we want
cheesy crust on the third?

Okay, yeesh.

That is a resounding yes

for cheesy crust on the third.

Claire says you read her mind.

Claire, huh?
I like that name.

It's a good one.

Oh, also, my boy Andy over here

is saying you have something
called chicken poppers.

- Is she cute?
- Uh, who's that and what now?

- Claire.
- Oh.

Her body's like a four.

Ha, let's just say
she's kind of a big girl.

That's all good.

That's all superficial, man.
I like Claire for what's inside.

- You don't even know Claire.
- Yo, but for real though,

I feel like
I do know Claire, man.

Put me on the phone
with her.

Uh...

You don't need
to speak to Claire.

No, I do.

You know what,
I gotta level with you, man.

I... [bleep] her.

Oh! Oh, I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to get
in between you guys.

No, it's quite all right.

'twas a while ago...

Before she blimped up.

My current girlfriend's Liv.

Body, ten.
Face, ten.

But anyway, Claire... Yeah.
I hit that, sexually.

And, uh, as did my boy Hugo.

Hell, even Bobba got
some of that.

So just wanted you to know,
used goods, used goods.

So you wouldn't care
if I asked her out?

Well...

Let me do it for you.

Hey, Claire, this guy from
the pizza place wants to date you.

Too poor? All right,
I'll let him down easy.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
No.

Tell her that, no,
I'm not a rich man.

But I'm a good man.
Tell her,

"Claire, I believe in destiny.

"and I believe
that we've always known

"that our soul mate
was out there.

"The moment that we had
that unspoken connection

"about the cheesy crust...

"I realized that you were
always the one.

"Because... and I know
this sounds corny...

"but that moment...

"was just like...

"simple."

Wow.

You really do care
about Claire.

I do.

Oh, my God!
Claire just got shot!

- What? No!
- Oh!

Oh! It just came through the window.
It was a bullet.

It hit her in the neck. Oh...

Claire's down!
She's dead!

She's dead! I'm calling the cops!
She's dead!

Claire!
Noooo!

Chinese it is.

One thing that fascinates us
is that like any movie

- like The Help or...
- Glory.

We call 'em like
"white man's burden" movies,

'cause you know...

White people go see
these movies,

and then they come out
and they're like,

"racism is alive!
Face it in the eyes!

"Racism's still here
and I'm not taking it anymore!"

Like I need to do a Def Jam
white guy voice, right?

It's like Def Jam white guy
bordering on Jimmy Stewart.

- Are you Ms. Tubman?
- The name's Harriet.

Well, thank God in heaven

for the work
that you're doing, Harriet.

Before you thank me,
let me tell you.

I've led hundreds of slaves
to freedom

through this here
underground railroad.

But it ain't gon' be easy.
Are you ready?

All right.

Then hike up your breeches

and follow me to freedom!

Watch this, black molasses!

Well, where is she now?

That was the easy part.

Now stay close.

This next 500 miles
gets a little sticky.

Ah!

Forget this, man.
I'm going back.

Thank you.

Thank you so much, everybody.

Everybody, thank you so much.
You've been a great audience...

sexually, so...

Good night!
Good night. Take care.

♪ I'm gonna do
my one line here ♪

Oh, yeah.