Kevin (Probably) Saves the World (2017–…): Season 1, Episode 4 - "How to Be Good" - full transcript
Kevin: My life was going
pretty terrible.
I lost my job, had to move in
with my sister and my niece,
and then things got weird.
I wouldn't do that.
Super weird.
- Am I still asleep?
- No.
Yvette: In every generation,
there are 36 righteous souls.
You are the last
of the righteous.
You are on a mission to bring
balance to the universe.
Who are you talking to?
She can't see me.
She's done a pretty good job
convincing me she's real.
And now I have to do something
I haven't had to do before...
Put others before myself,
help people.
I am the last guy you'd
ever want to save the world,
but I think
I can figure it out...
Probably.
♪♪
Okay. Have a good day.
I'll pick you up this afternoon.
Uh, I have drama,
so I'll just get a ride with Emma.
Did you see my lunch?
Nope.
What is this?
It's not a big deal, okay, so...
"Reese Cabrera has sent
you a friend request
on the WePeeps network"?
Oh, my God.
Just don't!
Reese. I am so touched.
- Never mind.
- No, this is huge for me, really.
For us, as a family.
Forget it. Hit "ignore."
You know what, I'm not
gonna hit "accept" just yet
because I want to savor
this notification.
♪♪
Okay, I'm accepting.
I just hit "accept."
Oh! We're friends!
You and me!
That girl there just friended me.
♪ I get you all the way ♪
♪ In my home ♪
♪ It ain't open ♪
♪ It's a short way ♪
♪ My home ♪
♪ Wide open ♪
♪ I get you all the way ♪
♪ My home ♪
♪ It ain't open ♪
♪ It's a short way ♪
I just feel like there's a bunch
- of things we haven't talked about.
- Such as?
I mean, everything.
What does God look like?
What happens when
you die? Aliens.
Wait, are there aliens?
Your face looks like
there might be aliens.
Are you done? 'Cause you
need to get to work.
You know, find someone
the universe wants to help.
Wow, somebody put on
their cranky pants today.
Okay, I'll go.
So, are we talking,
- like, ET or Predator?
- Go.
Go!
What the hell are you doing in here?
Oh, uh, sorry. I got turned around.
"Oh, sorry. I'm an idiot."
Get out of here!
Is there another exit I could use?
- Would you like a map?
- Uh...
Get out of my kitchen
or I'm calling the cops!
Okay!
Is there a problem?
Um, maybe. Could be. I don't know.
Hi. I'll be...
♪♪
Hey, buddy!
- This is the ladies' room!
- I'm sorry! I'm sorry!
- That... was a total accident.
- Get out of here, you creep!
You know what, I think the
universe wants me to stay here.
Okay, so my job is here.
Wonder who it is.
Hey, Lucille, check it out.
Someone didn't clean up after their dog.
You know what that means?
That you should have
left your shoe outside.
It means today is my lucky day!
- Hey, Kev!
- Hey!
Of course!
Tyler.
Got to help Tyler.
This is cool.
*KEVIN (Probably) SAVES THE WORLD*
Season 01 Episode 14
Title: "How to Be Good"
Man, It's so awesome that
you're thinking of me,
but I couldn't be any happier.
Seriously.
It's just that
a lot of bad things
tend to happen to you.
Like what?
Your divorce. You're living
with your mom. This place.
Uh, meant to be, living
with my best friend,
doing what I'm meant to do.
Didn't realize I was
operating a soup kitchen
for online predators.
Are you?
Well, I have a sack of wet socks
serving unlimited refills to a creep.
You're too funny. Am I the sock sack?
Listen, if perv stache
here doesn't order
something expensive or
get out, you're fired.
- Perv stache?
- Classic Lucille.
Does she always treat you like that?
Oh, no, that's our thing.
We bust on each other.
- It's banter.
- Do you bust on her?
Oh, no, she'd take my head off.
Tyler, you're a nice guy.
Thanks, man.
No, no, no, no. That is not good.
This world is not meant for nice guys.
This world eats up nice guys.
I can only be me, Kev.
Yeah, I know. I can't help you there.
But I can help you do one thing.
You have to get a new job.
Oh, no way, man. I love this job!
I meet interesting customers.
I get a discount on food
that's only slightly expired.
And it's super-close to my
house, so I don't need a car.
But if you had a car, then you
could work any place, hmm?
I guess.
But why would I?
How much money do you have?
♪♪
♪♪
Hey, Reese.
See you at drama in a few?
I actually have to go home.
My mom needs help with stuff.
Is everything okay?
It's fine. Everything's fine.
All right. But we'll miss you.
See you tomorrow, okay?
♪♪
♪ Play it again ♪
♪♪
♪ P-P-Play it again ♪
It's a Chevy, low mileage.
The guy is asking $2,000.
Sounds great.
Yeah, but you're not paying $2,000.
No more than $1,500.
Oh, man, I don't really like to bargain.
I'll just pay the deuce, call it a day.
See, this is what I'm talking about.
You let everybody take advantage of you.
I want you to stand up for yourself.
I'll help you get this car,
and then you can quit.
♪♪
♪♪
Okay, I'll negotiate.
Start low, hear his counter,
find the middle ground.
$1,500, guaranteed.
Let's do it now.
- Hey.
- Hey. You Zack?
- Yeah.
- I'm here about the car.
- How's it going?
- Hey, man.
So, I was comparing prices
to other similar models, and I...
Yeah, so, if you want it,
I'll give it to you for $900.
Oh, my God, you're good.
I'm sorry. How much now?
$900. What can I say?
I need the cash. We got a deal?
Uh, yeah. Yeah.
I mean, we'll have to drive it first.
Yeah, sure. Come on.
I'll get you the keys.
Ohh!
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
Hmm, that was some
mean negotiating, Kevin.
Maybe we should send
you to the Middle East.
Okay, will you please tell me
what is going on with you?
I slept for five minutes last night.
Ah. Insomnia.
- No wonder you're crabby.
- Mnh-mnh. You don't understand.
I don't sleep.
- Never?
- Ever.
Well, have you ever spent
this much time here on Earth?
No, and I-I think that's the problem.
Too much time with... people.
You're rubbing off on me.
I think sleep is awesome.
It's one of my favorite things.
Probably top three. Maybe number one.
It's a waste of time,
and it'll be the last time.
You're missing out.
I could name 100 things
about sleep that I love.
It is literally the best.
Uh, because of dreams, obviously.
You can do whatever you want.
Dude, I got the keys!
Aw! Listen to her purr!
Oh, there's a CD player! Sweet!
- Yeah. It's not bad.
- And Zack is so nice.
We're gonna go grab coffee later.
New friend!
It's cool.
Kevin, I want to thank you
for looking out for me.
I didn't even know I
needed this, but I did.
You're awesome, man.
You're awesome, man.
Are you...?
You don't make protecting you easy.
Tyler!
♪♪
♪♪
Wow! This car... so safe!
It's not a problem, Kevin.
Zack's insurance is
paying more for the car
than he'd ever get selling it.
Everybody wins!
You don't. You don't have a car,
and now you're still stuck working here.
- You have to quit.
- I can't quit.
People count on me.
Okay, I-I-I got it. I got it.
I-I have no doubt that
you are indispensable,
but you can do better.
I don't want to.
Plus, Lucille.
She'd be crushed.
Would she? Let's ask her.
- Lucille!
- Hey, Kevin.
Hey. Stop being a good guy
and stand up for yourself.
What have I said about calling for me?
You walk to me. I don't walk to you.
Tyler, do you have
something to say to Lucille?
Kevin, I'm gonna take your
advice and stand up for myself.
You're awesome,
but I don't need your help.
Excuse me?
I need help.
What did you say?
What, are you deaf?
I said I need help!
Someone needs to help me!
Are you gonna help me?
Oh, no. It's you.
This is wrong.
Tyler's the one who needs an overhaul.
Tyler is fine as far as I can tell.
Why does the universe want me
to help someone like Lucille?
You don't know what's
going on in her life.
A kind gesture could
change her entire outlook.
But she's awful.
Oh, I don't know.
She's kind of fun.
Hi, uh, well, let's get this part
out of the way up front... I am an idiot
and a waste of space and an ass boil.
I'm listening.
Uh, well, you said you needed help.
And I am here to help you
with whatever you need.
Is this a con job?
Nope.
Have a seat.
So, what is it you need done?
Maybe something that's
been weighing on you,
something that might
change your whole outlook.
There is one thing.
Oh, great. Name it.
I have an antique
clock in storage. Get it.
That's it? Just move a clock?
It's a family heirloom,
and it's worth more
than your pathetic life.
I've had to move it the
last couple of years
because of certain
unsavory family members
who keep trying to steal it.
- Hmm.
- I'd feel better if it's in my house.
Mm.
I'm trusting you with something
that's very important to me.
Can I feel confident that
you're not gonna screw it up?
Yeah.
♪♪
♪♪
Hey.
Hey.
Uh, is Tyler okay?
He's a little shaken up,
but he's... he's fine.
You're not hurt.
Like, at all.
Lucky.
Your seat just came out of the car.
How did that happen?
Physics.
It was probably, um, physics.
What were you doing
in that neighborhood?
My friend lives there.
Hey.
So I was thinking lasagna for dinner.
Sound good?
Uh, I got to get going, but
I'll just grab something later.
Hey, Reese, I ran into Emma's
mom at the supermarket.
She said you weren't in drama.
I wasn't feeling well,
so I just came home.
Hmm.
Yeah, I heard something's going around.
Oh.
Well, maybe just some
broth and toast for you.
Mmm!
Delicious.
I hope you get better.
Uh-oh.
♪♪
♪♪
What are the odds Lucille
ditched a body in here?
Stop complaining and get to work.
I know that you don't like sleep,
but I think you should
give it another chance.
At least a little nap.
I had a dream.
Last night, when I fell asleep.
Like, involving you and
your cousin in a weird way?
No? Okay.
I dreamt of home.
What's it like there?
I couldn't begin to explain.
You're homesick.
I-I was really homesick when
I first moved to New York.
Um,
but I could visit any time.
You don't really have that option.
Thank you for spelling it out for me.
You know what,
I found a honkytonk bar in Brooklyn.
It was terrible music, so-so barbecue,
but it reminded me of home.
Is there anything here
that reminds you of home?
Nothing.
Clouds?
Newborn baby?
Music?
Nothing.
Well, maybe you should, uh...
Maybe you should meet up
with your colleagues again.
I bet they all feel the same way.
Look, it's not necessary.
I just need to stay awake.
Okay.
There's a dead rat.
There's a dead rat right in there.
I touched it.
Here it is.
Thank you.
Mm-hmm.
Daddy was in the service.
He brought it over from Germany.
Every day he'd wind it
and tell me and my sister
stories about all his adventures.
♪♪
When he died, my sister took everything.
♪♪
This is all I have left of him.
Well, I'm... I'm glad
I was able to help.
Where are you gonna put it?
Somewhere between "It's none
of your freaking business"
and "Stop asking me so many questions."
Okay. I bet it'll look
really good there.
You got Lucille's clock.
I did.
Maybe she'll be a little
nicer from now on.
I mean, probably not. But...
You made Lucille really happy.
Looks like you're a
nice guy, too, Mr. Finn.
Still can't believe you
stole that clock, though.
I'm sorry. Stole it?
Oh, yeah, she's been trying to get me to
steal that from her sister for years.
I always draw the line
at criminal activity,
but you don't have a problem with that.
- That was so cool.
- That was her sister's storage unit?
Yeah. It's worth like 20 grand.
Which means I just committed a felony.
Hey. Go big or go home, right?
What are you doing?
Watching "Kitten Fail" videos.
It's cute, right?
What about Lucille?
Do you have the term "dead
to me" where you're from?
Because she is that.
I am done with Lucille.
Have you gotten your vision yet?
Oh, my God.
I've just been transported somewhere...
Somewhere exotic.
There... Oh, wow!
Look at all these... people
who are indigenous to this region.
Kevin... I'm tired,
and I do not have time for this.
You need to finish the job.
I'm gonna take a hard pass on that.
She needs you.
She needs a jail cell.
She had me steal for her.
Lucille's a criminal
and now I'm one, too,
and I'm not going to jail over a clock.
I don't think this is about a clock.
Maybe it's about repairing Lucille's
relationship with her sister.
Well, that relationship
should never be repaired.
Her sister should join witness
protection and disappear.
You're very judgmental.
I don't think I realized this about you.
Look, why don't we just
wait this one out,
and eventually the universe will send
a needy but less terrible person my way.
So you only help people who deserve it.
Yeah.
And you get to judge
who's most deserving.
Fine with that.
Because you've been such a good person.
Whatever I've done,
I was never that bad.
Kevin Finn!
Kevin, Amy, which one of you did this?
Amy, you come with me.
Big time out.
But I don't even know that word.
♪♪
I was 8.
Give me a break.
♪♪
Now, Mrs. Thompkins, no
investment is risk-free,
but there's a huge upside
to the sub-prime markets.
Well, I think that is a great choice,
and I will put it through tonight.
Congratulations! Okay.
Guess who just squeezed $50,000
out of a 76-year-old grandmother.
$50,000!
- Yeah!
- That's how you do it!
That's how you get it done!
$50,000.
That was my old life.
I'm not anything like that guy anymore.
- $50,000!
- Sure about that?
Go!
♪♪
Welcome to this morning.
♪♪
Reese! Don't forget your lunch!
♪♪
♪♪
You've made some excellent points.
Still think Lucille's beneath you?
She is so mean.
That's just the pain she's covering.
Underneath is someone looking for help.
Or more meanness.
The worst people sometimes
are the ones who need the most kindness.
Everyone deserves a chance to
be better, Kevin. You got one.
Fine, but I don't even
know where to start.
Sure you do.
You lied to me, Lucille.
I did not lie. This clock belongs to me.
Daddy said it was mine, and Ann took it.
Well, then, talk to her.
I haven't spoken to her in 20 years.
Well, what if I talked to her?
Fine. Be my guest.
You think I'm a hard-ass?
She's a monster.
Hi, my name is Kevin Finn. Are you Ann?
Yes. Can I help you?
Uh, well, I'm here about your sister.
Oh, no. Is Lucille okay?
Oh. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yep.
She's healthy as a... snake.
Do you mind if I talk
to you for a minute?
We were best friends.
I don't even remember
what drove us apart.
But she's made it crystal clear
she doesn't want to have
anything to do with me.
Well, people can change. Sometimes.
And Lucille's changed?
Well, I said "can"... Can change.
The things she's said to me.
You wouldn't believe.
I'm sure I can believe a little.
She's selfish. She's a liar.
And because of her, I never got
to see my father before he died.
Why not?
He got sick, and Ann took over.
She wouldn't even let me come visit him.
I didn't even know he
died until a day later.
I begged her to come home
when Daddy was sick,
but she didn't want to believe
that he was gonna die.
And then...
It was too late.
By that time, she'd just
cleared out his entire house.
I had nothing to remember him by.
All I wanted was that
clock, and she knew it.
Do you really want to go
through your whole life
without speaking to your sister?
I know I wouldn't.
It's up to her.
If she says yes...
Then maybe.
I think Lucille is in pain,
and I think the only
thing that will help
is reconnecting with her sister.
Hmm.
If she agreed to sit down with you,
would you do it?
Yes. I would.
Great.
That is... That's... That's great.
I will make it happen.
'Cause an old clock with
a broken minute hand
isn't worth giving up your family.
How do you know about the clock?
That's kind of
a funny story, actually.
Um, I accidentally stole it for Lucille.
You stole my clock.
Accidentally. But the important thing
is making up with your sister
- and building that bond again.
- I knew it!
What kind of scam are you and that
twisted goblin whore running?!
Nothing! No scam! I was...
I was trying to help
Lucille has been ruining my
life since we were kids.
- Mm-hmm.
- And now she's hired
- this lowrent gigolo to rip me off!
- Low-rent?
That clock is mine.
Well, I really think
if you just sat down
and talked about it for
a little bit, then...
I really think, you
dopey-eyed Chihuahua,
you better get my clock back tonight!
And if you don't, I am calling
the cops on both of you.
- Wow.
- Get me?
- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah, I think that maybe
Lucille can hack it,
but you don't look like
you're built for prison!
Mnh-mnh.
Go!
Okay!
All right, Kevin,
where are we going tonight?
- Hey, honey.
- Hi.
- All right.
- What's that for?
You said you weren't feeling well.
I'm not. I...
It comes and goes.
Right now it's mostly in my throat.
Should we get you checked out?
You think it might be strep?
No, it's just scratchy.
Let me see. Come on. Open up.
Ahh.
Huh. Oh, yeah.
You know what, I see a
little something back there.
You know what, Reese, I'm gonna
cancel my 7:00 p.m. class,
and I'm taking you to urgent care.
What?! No, I just need to go to bed.
Go to your class.
I don't like leaving you like this.
It's fine. I just need some sleep.
I'll be better in the morning.
All right.
I will have my phone on me.
If you need anything,
call me, okay, or Kevin.
No, don't call Kevin.
If you need anything and
you can't get ahold of me,
just keep calling and
calling and calling.
- Go.
- Okay, okay, okay.
I'll be asleep a minute after you leave.
What's this outfit supposed to be?
You know what,
I'm sorry if you don't like
my breaking-and-entering
clothes, but it's what
I could get together in
a short amount of time.
I want to take this moment
to register my objection to this plan.
Theft will not reconcile these sisters.
Well, what choice do I have?
I can't help anybody from jail.
Where do you get your clothes?
Do you shop?
The mall.
Really?
Well, you always look nice.
Very put together.
♪♪
♪♪
Ohh!
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
Kevin!
Uh! Ohh!
Kevin!
Ohh, no!
Get out! The cops are coming!
Run!
- What are you doing here?
- Run! Go!
No, no, no. Come on,
come on, come on. Boost.
♪♪
Hurry. Come over.
No, you know what, you go.
I'll get them to follow me.
No! K-Kevin!
He went that way!
We've got eyes on.
Suspect on foot.
All right, I'll cut him off.
♪♪
No! No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Not now.
Please, please, please, don't, don't.
No, no, no.
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
You! Put your hands up!
I said put your hands up now!
Wait. Are you real?
♪♪
Ohh!
Ow!
Hey. How's it going?
This is Texas, right?
Was I asleep?
You, uh, had your eyes closed.
What?
Oh, I'm sorry. I wasn't
talking to you. Uh...
Oh, hey, so I got my
vision for some reason.
Conveniently, while I was
getting chased by the cops.
W-What did you see?
Some kind of marketplace.
Um, it might have been in
Asia or some... something.
That's... That's all I remember.
Did you see any writing,
anything that would tell you more?
Nope.
But I-I-I don't understand.
Why would I get my vision now?
All I did was screw everything up.
Yeah, you are good at doing that.
When you say things like that,
it makes me feel like you're not
paying attention to my feelings again.
Maybe I'm just...
Hey, I want a different cell.
This guy's crazy.
Nate, I know how this looks.
I don't think you do, Kevin.
You are in very serious trouble.
So is your partner.
My partner?
Amy doesn't deserve this
from either of you.
Oh, no! Nate, Nate, no! She didn't do
anything wrong! Nate, come on! Nate!
You can slip those off.
- Reese, what were you doing out there?
- Nothing.
Your uncle's in a lot of trouble.
But I don't believe you were involved.
He didn't do anything wrong.
He broke into a house
and destroyed property.
I just think he probably
had a good reason for it.
Why were you with him?
I wanted to see what he was up to.
Some advice?
Your mom has plenty on
her plate with Kevin.
Please don't make her
worry about you, too.
Let her know where you are.
Hey, Mom, it's me... Reese.
I've got some bad news.
Who is this?
It's Reese, Mom.
I'm with Kevin.
We got arrested.
Am I on the radio?
Here you go.
Tyler, listen to me.
Kevin got arrested for
breaking into your boss' house.
You have to do something.
I'm on it.
Okay, ma'am, that's everything.
We'll get out of your hair.
You want any help cleaning up the mess?
Clean my house?
Sure.
"Let's just start with the 5'6" turd
standing in the middle
of the living room.
I'm 5'11.
How many times
do I have to tell you
that I don't wan...
What the hell do you want?
Lucille, we need to talk.
You are the absolute last person
I want to listen to now or ever!
For once in your life,
you're gonna listen to me, Lucille.
Am laking my self perfectly clear?!
Thanks!
♪♪
Nate, can we just talk?
I will tell you everything
that I'm able to tell you.
Come with me.
Reese, are you all right?
Fine.
What's going on?
Ms. Russo is dropping all charges.
Claims you've been
running errands for her,
and this is all a big,
old misunderstanding.
That sound about right?
Uh, yeah. Yep.
Sure. He's my little errand moron.
Well, aren't we a big, happy family?
Right?! Everything works out!
Ms. Russo, if you could come
with me, sign some paperwork?
All right.
What just happened?
Well, I was thinking about
how great you negotiated
for my new car that got wrecked,
so I negotiated with Lucille.
You did? How?
I forced my way into her
house, locked the door,
and told her I would quit
if she didn't fix this.
- And she agreed.
- Wow.
Tyler, that's...
I mean, it might be a little illegal,
but it's amazing.
Well, hey, hardball, Kev.
Just like you taught me.
You're all free to go.
Thank you, Nate. Sorry.
You called your mom, huh?
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
Hey.
Perfect timing. How do
you feel about painting?
Uh, wish I could. I'm...
Working.
- Oh.
- Where's Reese?
She was supposed to be helping,
but... she has drama today.
They're rehearsing.
I'm not complaining, though.
I'm glad she's getting involved.
- Amy, about that, I need...
- You know, it's the funniest thing.
All of that bad stuff that happened...
It's like I'm finally
coming out of it, you know?
Reese is getting back into her life,
and Kevin is being less...
Kevin than usual.
And you've been amazing.
Things are good.
♪♪
Nate, are you okay?
Uh, someone...
Found Reese's cell.
- Uh, here.
- Oh.
Here it is. They turned
it in to the station.
Oh, my Gosh. I cannot
believe that she lost this.
I seriously thought this thing
was permanently attached to her hand.
Well, there it is.
Thanks.
Are you sure you're okay?
Oh. Yeah. Yeah, I'm good.
You know what, I'm gonna go on lunch.
- Paint in the garage?
- Uh, yes!
Thank you!
Here you go.
Thanks.
What's eating you, Kev?
I just...
Don't even know what this was all about.
Lucille's never gonna change.
I broke her clock. And I was
kind of a huge jerk to you.
Oh, you? When?
You're a good person, Ty.
Don't ever change that. It's just...
It's a hard life for a nice guy.
Ain't it?
You know, the only reason
Lucille dropped the charges
against you is 'cause she
didn't want to lose me.
I'm her best friend.
I might be her only friend.
It feels pretty great.
You're garbage, Tyler.
Love ya, Luce!
You look at the worst
people have to offer
and only see the good.
I wish I was more like you.
Kevin, you're perfect.
There she is! Where's
my clock, you hag?!
Whoa, whoa, whoa! How about we just...?
You want it? Here it is!
It's all yours!
Look what you did!
Daddy promised that to me!
That's a lie! He said it was mine!
The two of you have so much in common.
Shut up!
You... You were always Daddy's favorite,
and the one thing he left for me
you stole before he was
even in the ground!
Me?! He'd only talk about what
a perfect daughter you were!
At night, I'd close my eyes,
and I'd imagine a different
animal tearing you to shreds!
I look forward to your funeral
even more than my son's wedding!
I worshiped you. I just
wanted to be around you.
You are delusional. You...
You never liked me!
Guys, guys, shut up, shut up, shut up.
I thought you said this was
a priceless German antique?
Well, it was before you destroyed it!
Well, then why is it stamped
- "Made in Michigan" on the inside?
- That's impossible.
Why would he lie about
something so stupid?
Why would he lie about anything?
I mean, "Best Bowler in the League"?
He got that trophy at a pawnshop.
Maybe he was lying when he said
he always wished I'd been a boy.
He told me that if he and
mama ever got divorced,
he'd take you.
I haven't forgotten about
that my whole life.
I-I never heard that.
I'm sorry.
Guys.
This is so great.
What a breakthrough.
You know, as bad as Daddy was,
he wasn't as stupid as this guy.
Look at that face. It's perfectly blank.
Like he's constantly going
into or coming out of a coma.
Hi, dum-dum!
Anyone home?
Come on. Let me show
you around this place.
Ahh.
Aren't they great?
Ty, they are the spawn of Satan.
♪♪
We used to come here when we were kids.
I sailed little boats in
the water over there.
Got to second base with
Laura French right there.
Are we gonna walk
through your adolescent
sexual experiences?
Because, no, thank you.
This is the place that I
missed when I was in New York.
This was home.
Oh.
The thing I learned about home
is that it's not really a place.
It's a feeling.
And it doesn't really
matter where you are.
It's about who you are and
who your friends are and...
And it's about food.
Billy Roy's Texas Brisket.
Dry-rubbed with 24 spices.
Smoked over apple and
hickory for 10 hours.
So tender it melts in your mouth.
I assume you can eat. Or I
assume you can figure it out.
Mmm!
I-I know I can't understand
what you gave up to come here, but...
Maybe you can find things
that make you miss it a little less.
♪♪
You ever see the sky first
thing in the morning
after a big thunderstorm?
That color?
Yeah.
That's what home is like.
♪♪
Wow.
And... And you're right.
It's not the place.
It's the feeling. Peace.
Boundless, enduring peace.
♪♪
And that's what I miss.
♪♪
- But this is nice, too.
- Well, go on. Try it.
Do you eat things?
- I eat things!
- Okay. Okay.
Hold on, hold on, hold on.
♪♪
I mean...
Mmm!
You're right!
- I knew it.
- Mm-hmm!
A little piece of heaven!
That... That is what I'm saying!
Mm.
Oh. I don't even know what it is.
It's got to be some kind of magic.
One of the 24 spices is...
- Oh, didn't go 25.
- Probably tried 25.
Yeah, didn't work.
How was rehearsal?
Good.
What part are you?
Stagehand. I didn't try out.
- Next time, maybe.
- Cool.
So, um, I was wondering
if you could stop
following me around.
I appreciate the interest,
but, uh, it's...
it's weird... and creepy.
- Okay.
- Thank you.
Can I ask you a question?
Shoot.
Did that meteor give you
superpowers?
Hmm...
pretty terrible.
I lost my job, had to move in
with my sister and my niece,
and then things got weird.
I wouldn't do that.
Super weird.
- Am I still asleep?
- No.
Yvette: In every generation,
there are 36 righteous souls.
You are the last
of the righteous.
You are on a mission to bring
balance to the universe.
Who are you talking to?
She can't see me.
She's done a pretty good job
convincing me she's real.
And now I have to do something
I haven't had to do before...
Put others before myself,
help people.
I am the last guy you'd
ever want to save the world,
but I think
I can figure it out...
Probably.
♪♪
Okay. Have a good day.
I'll pick you up this afternoon.
Uh, I have drama,
so I'll just get a ride with Emma.
Did you see my lunch?
Nope.
What is this?
It's not a big deal, okay, so...
"Reese Cabrera has sent
you a friend request
on the WePeeps network"?
Oh, my God.
Just don't!
Reese. I am so touched.
- Never mind.
- No, this is huge for me, really.
For us, as a family.
Forget it. Hit "ignore."
You know what, I'm not
gonna hit "accept" just yet
because I want to savor
this notification.
♪♪
Okay, I'm accepting.
I just hit "accept."
Oh! We're friends!
You and me!
That girl there just friended me.
♪ I get you all the way ♪
♪ In my home ♪
♪ It ain't open ♪
♪ It's a short way ♪
♪ My home ♪
♪ Wide open ♪
♪ I get you all the way ♪
♪ My home ♪
♪ It ain't open ♪
♪ It's a short way ♪
I just feel like there's a bunch
- of things we haven't talked about.
- Such as?
I mean, everything.
What does God look like?
What happens when
you die? Aliens.
Wait, are there aliens?
Your face looks like
there might be aliens.
Are you done? 'Cause you
need to get to work.
You know, find someone
the universe wants to help.
Wow, somebody put on
their cranky pants today.
Okay, I'll go.
So, are we talking,
- like, ET or Predator?
- Go.
Go!
What the hell are you doing in here?
Oh, uh, sorry. I got turned around.
"Oh, sorry. I'm an idiot."
Get out of here!
Is there another exit I could use?
- Would you like a map?
- Uh...
Get out of my kitchen
or I'm calling the cops!
Okay!
Is there a problem?
Um, maybe. Could be. I don't know.
Hi. I'll be...
♪♪
Hey, buddy!
- This is the ladies' room!
- I'm sorry! I'm sorry!
- That... was a total accident.
- Get out of here, you creep!
You know what, I think the
universe wants me to stay here.
Okay, so my job is here.
Wonder who it is.
Hey, Lucille, check it out.
Someone didn't clean up after their dog.
You know what that means?
That you should have
left your shoe outside.
It means today is my lucky day!
- Hey, Kev!
- Hey!
Of course!
Tyler.
Got to help Tyler.
This is cool.
*KEVIN (Probably) SAVES THE WORLD*
Season 01 Episode 14
Title: "How to Be Good"
Man, It's so awesome that
you're thinking of me,
but I couldn't be any happier.
Seriously.
It's just that
a lot of bad things
tend to happen to you.
Like what?
Your divorce. You're living
with your mom. This place.
Uh, meant to be, living
with my best friend,
doing what I'm meant to do.
Didn't realize I was
operating a soup kitchen
for online predators.
Are you?
Well, I have a sack of wet socks
serving unlimited refills to a creep.
You're too funny. Am I the sock sack?
Listen, if perv stache
here doesn't order
something expensive or
get out, you're fired.
- Perv stache?
- Classic Lucille.
Does she always treat you like that?
Oh, no, that's our thing.
We bust on each other.
- It's banter.
- Do you bust on her?
Oh, no, she'd take my head off.
Tyler, you're a nice guy.
Thanks, man.
No, no, no, no. That is not good.
This world is not meant for nice guys.
This world eats up nice guys.
I can only be me, Kev.
Yeah, I know. I can't help you there.
But I can help you do one thing.
You have to get a new job.
Oh, no way, man. I love this job!
I meet interesting customers.
I get a discount on food
that's only slightly expired.
And it's super-close to my
house, so I don't need a car.
But if you had a car, then you
could work any place, hmm?
I guess.
But why would I?
How much money do you have?
♪♪
♪♪
Hey, Reese.
See you at drama in a few?
I actually have to go home.
My mom needs help with stuff.
Is everything okay?
It's fine. Everything's fine.
All right. But we'll miss you.
See you tomorrow, okay?
♪♪
♪ Play it again ♪
♪♪
♪ P-P-Play it again ♪
It's a Chevy, low mileage.
The guy is asking $2,000.
Sounds great.
Yeah, but you're not paying $2,000.
No more than $1,500.
Oh, man, I don't really like to bargain.
I'll just pay the deuce, call it a day.
See, this is what I'm talking about.
You let everybody take advantage of you.
I want you to stand up for yourself.
I'll help you get this car,
and then you can quit.
♪♪
♪♪
Okay, I'll negotiate.
Start low, hear his counter,
find the middle ground.
$1,500, guaranteed.
Let's do it now.
- Hey.
- Hey. You Zack?
- Yeah.
- I'm here about the car.
- How's it going?
- Hey, man.
So, I was comparing prices
to other similar models, and I...
Yeah, so, if you want it,
I'll give it to you for $900.
Oh, my God, you're good.
I'm sorry. How much now?
$900. What can I say?
I need the cash. We got a deal?
Uh, yeah. Yeah.
I mean, we'll have to drive it first.
Yeah, sure. Come on.
I'll get you the keys.
Ohh!
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
Hmm, that was some
mean negotiating, Kevin.
Maybe we should send
you to the Middle East.
Okay, will you please tell me
what is going on with you?
I slept for five minutes last night.
Ah. Insomnia.
- No wonder you're crabby.
- Mnh-mnh. You don't understand.
I don't sleep.
- Never?
- Ever.
Well, have you ever spent
this much time here on Earth?
No, and I-I think that's the problem.
Too much time with... people.
You're rubbing off on me.
I think sleep is awesome.
It's one of my favorite things.
Probably top three. Maybe number one.
It's a waste of time,
and it'll be the last time.
You're missing out.
I could name 100 things
about sleep that I love.
It is literally the best.
Uh, because of dreams, obviously.
You can do whatever you want.
Dude, I got the keys!
Aw! Listen to her purr!
Oh, there's a CD player! Sweet!
- Yeah. It's not bad.
- And Zack is so nice.
We're gonna go grab coffee later.
New friend!
It's cool.
Kevin, I want to thank you
for looking out for me.
I didn't even know I
needed this, but I did.
You're awesome, man.
You're awesome, man.
Are you...?
You don't make protecting you easy.
Tyler!
♪♪
♪♪
Wow! This car... so safe!
It's not a problem, Kevin.
Zack's insurance is
paying more for the car
than he'd ever get selling it.
Everybody wins!
You don't. You don't have a car,
and now you're still stuck working here.
- You have to quit.
- I can't quit.
People count on me.
Okay, I-I-I got it. I got it.
I-I have no doubt that
you are indispensable,
but you can do better.
I don't want to.
Plus, Lucille.
She'd be crushed.
Would she? Let's ask her.
- Lucille!
- Hey, Kevin.
Hey. Stop being a good guy
and stand up for yourself.
What have I said about calling for me?
You walk to me. I don't walk to you.
Tyler, do you have
something to say to Lucille?
Kevin, I'm gonna take your
advice and stand up for myself.
You're awesome,
but I don't need your help.
Excuse me?
I need help.
What did you say?
What, are you deaf?
I said I need help!
Someone needs to help me!
Are you gonna help me?
Oh, no. It's you.
This is wrong.
Tyler's the one who needs an overhaul.
Tyler is fine as far as I can tell.
Why does the universe want me
to help someone like Lucille?
You don't know what's
going on in her life.
A kind gesture could
change her entire outlook.
But she's awful.
Oh, I don't know.
She's kind of fun.
Hi, uh, well, let's get this part
out of the way up front... I am an idiot
and a waste of space and an ass boil.
I'm listening.
Uh, well, you said you needed help.
And I am here to help you
with whatever you need.
Is this a con job?
Nope.
Have a seat.
So, what is it you need done?
Maybe something that's
been weighing on you,
something that might
change your whole outlook.
There is one thing.
Oh, great. Name it.
I have an antique
clock in storage. Get it.
That's it? Just move a clock?
It's a family heirloom,
and it's worth more
than your pathetic life.
I've had to move it the
last couple of years
because of certain
unsavory family members
who keep trying to steal it.
- Hmm.
- I'd feel better if it's in my house.
Mm.
I'm trusting you with something
that's very important to me.
Can I feel confident that
you're not gonna screw it up?
Yeah.
♪♪
♪♪
Hey.
Hey.
Uh, is Tyler okay?
He's a little shaken up,
but he's... he's fine.
You're not hurt.
Like, at all.
Lucky.
Your seat just came out of the car.
How did that happen?
Physics.
It was probably, um, physics.
What were you doing
in that neighborhood?
My friend lives there.
Hey.
So I was thinking lasagna for dinner.
Sound good?
Uh, I got to get going, but
I'll just grab something later.
Hey, Reese, I ran into Emma's
mom at the supermarket.
She said you weren't in drama.
I wasn't feeling well,
so I just came home.
Hmm.
Yeah, I heard something's going around.
Oh.
Well, maybe just some
broth and toast for you.
Mmm!
Delicious.
I hope you get better.
Uh-oh.
♪♪
♪♪
What are the odds Lucille
ditched a body in here?
Stop complaining and get to work.
I know that you don't like sleep,
but I think you should
give it another chance.
At least a little nap.
I had a dream.
Last night, when I fell asleep.
Like, involving you and
your cousin in a weird way?
No? Okay.
I dreamt of home.
What's it like there?
I couldn't begin to explain.
You're homesick.
I-I was really homesick when
I first moved to New York.
Um,
but I could visit any time.
You don't really have that option.
Thank you for spelling it out for me.
You know what,
I found a honkytonk bar in Brooklyn.
It was terrible music, so-so barbecue,
but it reminded me of home.
Is there anything here
that reminds you of home?
Nothing.
Clouds?
Newborn baby?
Music?
Nothing.
Well, maybe you should, uh...
Maybe you should meet up
with your colleagues again.
I bet they all feel the same way.
Look, it's not necessary.
I just need to stay awake.
Okay.
There's a dead rat.
There's a dead rat right in there.
I touched it.
Here it is.
Thank you.
Mm-hmm.
Daddy was in the service.
He brought it over from Germany.
Every day he'd wind it
and tell me and my sister
stories about all his adventures.
♪♪
When he died, my sister took everything.
♪♪
This is all I have left of him.
Well, I'm... I'm glad
I was able to help.
Where are you gonna put it?
Somewhere between "It's none
of your freaking business"
and "Stop asking me so many questions."
Okay. I bet it'll look
really good there.
You got Lucille's clock.
I did.
Maybe she'll be a little
nicer from now on.
I mean, probably not. But...
You made Lucille really happy.
Looks like you're a
nice guy, too, Mr. Finn.
Still can't believe you
stole that clock, though.
I'm sorry. Stole it?
Oh, yeah, she's been trying to get me to
steal that from her sister for years.
I always draw the line
at criminal activity,
but you don't have a problem with that.
- That was so cool.
- That was her sister's storage unit?
Yeah. It's worth like 20 grand.
Which means I just committed a felony.
Hey. Go big or go home, right?
What are you doing?
Watching "Kitten Fail" videos.
It's cute, right?
What about Lucille?
Do you have the term "dead
to me" where you're from?
Because she is that.
I am done with Lucille.
Have you gotten your vision yet?
Oh, my God.
I've just been transported somewhere...
Somewhere exotic.
There... Oh, wow!
Look at all these... people
who are indigenous to this region.
Kevin... I'm tired,
and I do not have time for this.
You need to finish the job.
I'm gonna take a hard pass on that.
She needs you.
She needs a jail cell.
She had me steal for her.
Lucille's a criminal
and now I'm one, too,
and I'm not going to jail over a clock.
I don't think this is about a clock.
Maybe it's about repairing Lucille's
relationship with her sister.
Well, that relationship
should never be repaired.
Her sister should join witness
protection and disappear.
You're very judgmental.
I don't think I realized this about you.
Look, why don't we just
wait this one out,
and eventually the universe will send
a needy but less terrible person my way.
So you only help people who deserve it.
Yeah.
And you get to judge
who's most deserving.
Fine with that.
Because you've been such a good person.
Whatever I've done,
I was never that bad.
Kevin Finn!
Kevin, Amy, which one of you did this?
Amy, you come with me.
Big time out.
But I don't even know that word.
♪♪
I was 8.
Give me a break.
♪♪
Now, Mrs. Thompkins, no
investment is risk-free,
but there's a huge upside
to the sub-prime markets.
Well, I think that is a great choice,
and I will put it through tonight.
Congratulations! Okay.
Guess who just squeezed $50,000
out of a 76-year-old grandmother.
$50,000!
- Yeah!
- That's how you do it!
That's how you get it done!
$50,000.
That was my old life.
I'm not anything like that guy anymore.
- $50,000!
- Sure about that?
Go!
♪♪
Welcome to this morning.
♪♪
Reese! Don't forget your lunch!
♪♪
♪♪
You've made some excellent points.
Still think Lucille's beneath you?
She is so mean.
That's just the pain she's covering.
Underneath is someone looking for help.
Or more meanness.
The worst people sometimes
are the ones who need the most kindness.
Everyone deserves a chance to
be better, Kevin. You got one.
Fine, but I don't even
know where to start.
Sure you do.
You lied to me, Lucille.
I did not lie. This clock belongs to me.
Daddy said it was mine, and Ann took it.
Well, then, talk to her.
I haven't spoken to her in 20 years.
Well, what if I talked to her?
Fine. Be my guest.
You think I'm a hard-ass?
She's a monster.
Hi, my name is Kevin Finn. Are you Ann?
Yes. Can I help you?
Uh, well, I'm here about your sister.
Oh, no. Is Lucille okay?
Oh. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yep.
She's healthy as a... snake.
Do you mind if I talk
to you for a minute?
We were best friends.
I don't even remember
what drove us apart.
But she's made it crystal clear
she doesn't want to have
anything to do with me.
Well, people can change. Sometimes.
And Lucille's changed?
Well, I said "can"... Can change.
The things she's said to me.
You wouldn't believe.
I'm sure I can believe a little.
She's selfish. She's a liar.
And because of her, I never got
to see my father before he died.
Why not?
He got sick, and Ann took over.
She wouldn't even let me come visit him.
I didn't even know he
died until a day later.
I begged her to come home
when Daddy was sick,
but she didn't want to believe
that he was gonna die.
And then...
It was too late.
By that time, she'd just
cleared out his entire house.
I had nothing to remember him by.
All I wanted was that
clock, and she knew it.
Do you really want to go
through your whole life
without speaking to your sister?
I know I wouldn't.
It's up to her.
If she says yes...
Then maybe.
I think Lucille is in pain,
and I think the only
thing that will help
is reconnecting with her sister.
Hmm.
If she agreed to sit down with you,
would you do it?
Yes. I would.
Great.
That is... That's... That's great.
I will make it happen.
'Cause an old clock with
a broken minute hand
isn't worth giving up your family.
How do you know about the clock?
That's kind of
a funny story, actually.
Um, I accidentally stole it for Lucille.
You stole my clock.
Accidentally. But the important thing
is making up with your sister
- and building that bond again.
- I knew it!
What kind of scam are you and that
twisted goblin whore running?!
Nothing! No scam! I was...
I was trying to help
Lucille has been ruining my
life since we were kids.
- Mm-hmm.
- And now she's hired
- this lowrent gigolo to rip me off!
- Low-rent?
That clock is mine.
Well, I really think
if you just sat down
and talked about it for
a little bit, then...
I really think, you
dopey-eyed Chihuahua,
you better get my clock back tonight!
And if you don't, I am calling
the cops on both of you.
- Wow.
- Get me?
- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah, I think that maybe
Lucille can hack it,
but you don't look like
you're built for prison!
Mnh-mnh.
Go!
Okay!
All right, Kevin,
where are we going tonight?
- Hey, honey.
- Hi.
- All right.
- What's that for?
You said you weren't feeling well.
I'm not. I...
It comes and goes.
Right now it's mostly in my throat.
Should we get you checked out?
You think it might be strep?
No, it's just scratchy.
Let me see. Come on. Open up.
Ahh.
Huh. Oh, yeah.
You know what, I see a
little something back there.
You know what, Reese, I'm gonna
cancel my 7:00 p.m. class,
and I'm taking you to urgent care.
What?! No, I just need to go to bed.
Go to your class.
I don't like leaving you like this.
It's fine. I just need some sleep.
I'll be better in the morning.
All right.
I will have my phone on me.
If you need anything,
call me, okay, or Kevin.
No, don't call Kevin.
If you need anything and
you can't get ahold of me,
just keep calling and
calling and calling.
- Go.
- Okay, okay, okay.
I'll be asleep a minute after you leave.
What's this outfit supposed to be?
You know what,
I'm sorry if you don't like
my breaking-and-entering
clothes, but it's what
I could get together in
a short amount of time.
I want to take this moment
to register my objection to this plan.
Theft will not reconcile these sisters.
Well, what choice do I have?
I can't help anybody from jail.
Where do you get your clothes?
Do you shop?
The mall.
Really?
Well, you always look nice.
Very put together.
♪♪
♪♪
Ohh!
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
Kevin!
Uh! Ohh!
Kevin!
Ohh, no!
Get out! The cops are coming!
Run!
- What are you doing here?
- Run! Go!
No, no, no. Come on,
come on, come on. Boost.
♪♪
Hurry. Come over.
No, you know what, you go.
I'll get them to follow me.
No! K-Kevin!
He went that way!
We've got eyes on.
Suspect on foot.
All right, I'll cut him off.
♪♪
No! No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Not now.
Please, please, please, don't, don't.
No, no, no.
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
You! Put your hands up!
I said put your hands up now!
Wait. Are you real?
♪♪
Ohh!
Ow!
Hey. How's it going?
This is Texas, right?
Was I asleep?
You, uh, had your eyes closed.
What?
Oh, I'm sorry. I wasn't
talking to you. Uh...
Oh, hey, so I got my
vision for some reason.
Conveniently, while I was
getting chased by the cops.
W-What did you see?
Some kind of marketplace.
Um, it might have been in
Asia or some... something.
That's... That's all I remember.
Did you see any writing,
anything that would tell you more?
Nope.
But I-I-I don't understand.
Why would I get my vision now?
All I did was screw everything up.
Yeah, you are good at doing that.
When you say things like that,
it makes me feel like you're not
paying attention to my feelings again.
Maybe I'm just...
Hey, I want a different cell.
This guy's crazy.
Nate, I know how this looks.
I don't think you do, Kevin.
You are in very serious trouble.
So is your partner.
My partner?
Amy doesn't deserve this
from either of you.
Oh, no! Nate, Nate, no! She didn't do
anything wrong! Nate, come on! Nate!
You can slip those off.
- Reese, what were you doing out there?
- Nothing.
Your uncle's in a lot of trouble.
But I don't believe you were involved.
He didn't do anything wrong.
He broke into a house
and destroyed property.
I just think he probably
had a good reason for it.
Why were you with him?
I wanted to see what he was up to.
Some advice?
Your mom has plenty on
her plate with Kevin.
Please don't make her
worry about you, too.
Let her know where you are.
Hey, Mom, it's me... Reese.
I've got some bad news.
Who is this?
It's Reese, Mom.
I'm with Kevin.
We got arrested.
Am I on the radio?
Here you go.
Tyler, listen to me.
Kevin got arrested for
breaking into your boss' house.
You have to do something.
I'm on it.
Okay, ma'am, that's everything.
We'll get out of your hair.
You want any help cleaning up the mess?
Clean my house?
Sure.
"Let's just start with the 5'6" turd
standing in the middle
of the living room.
I'm 5'11.
How many times
do I have to tell you
that I don't wan...
What the hell do you want?
Lucille, we need to talk.
You are the absolute last person
I want to listen to now or ever!
For once in your life,
you're gonna listen to me, Lucille.
Am laking my self perfectly clear?!
Thanks!
♪♪
Nate, can we just talk?
I will tell you everything
that I'm able to tell you.
Come with me.
Reese, are you all right?
Fine.
What's going on?
Ms. Russo is dropping all charges.
Claims you've been
running errands for her,
and this is all a big,
old misunderstanding.
That sound about right?
Uh, yeah. Yep.
Sure. He's my little errand moron.
Well, aren't we a big, happy family?
Right?! Everything works out!
Ms. Russo, if you could come
with me, sign some paperwork?
All right.
What just happened?
Well, I was thinking about
how great you negotiated
for my new car that got wrecked,
so I negotiated with Lucille.
You did? How?
I forced my way into her
house, locked the door,
and told her I would quit
if she didn't fix this.
- And she agreed.
- Wow.
Tyler, that's...
I mean, it might be a little illegal,
but it's amazing.
Well, hey, hardball, Kev.
Just like you taught me.
You're all free to go.
Thank you, Nate. Sorry.
You called your mom, huh?
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
Hey.
Perfect timing. How do
you feel about painting?
Uh, wish I could. I'm...
Working.
- Oh.
- Where's Reese?
She was supposed to be helping,
but... she has drama today.
They're rehearsing.
I'm not complaining, though.
I'm glad she's getting involved.
- Amy, about that, I need...
- You know, it's the funniest thing.
All of that bad stuff that happened...
It's like I'm finally
coming out of it, you know?
Reese is getting back into her life,
and Kevin is being less...
Kevin than usual.
And you've been amazing.
Things are good.
♪♪
Nate, are you okay?
Uh, someone...
Found Reese's cell.
- Uh, here.
- Oh.
Here it is. They turned
it in to the station.
Oh, my Gosh. I cannot
believe that she lost this.
I seriously thought this thing
was permanently attached to her hand.
Well, there it is.
Thanks.
Are you sure you're okay?
Oh. Yeah. Yeah, I'm good.
You know what, I'm gonna go on lunch.
- Paint in the garage?
- Uh, yes!
Thank you!
Here you go.
Thanks.
What's eating you, Kev?
I just...
Don't even know what this was all about.
Lucille's never gonna change.
I broke her clock. And I was
kind of a huge jerk to you.
Oh, you? When?
You're a good person, Ty.
Don't ever change that. It's just...
It's a hard life for a nice guy.
Ain't it?
You know, the only reason
Lucille dropped the charges
against you is 'cause she
didn't want to lose me.
I'm her best friend.
I might be her only friend.
It feels pretty great.
You're garbage, Tyler.
Love ya, Luce!
You look at the worst
people have to offer
and only see the good.
I wish I was more like you.
Kevin, you're perfect.
There she is! Where's
my clock, you hag?!
Whoa, whoa, whoa! How about we just...?
You want it? Here it is!
It's all yours!
Look what you did!
Daddy promised that to me!
That's a lie! He said it was mine!
The two of you have so much in common.
Shut up!
You... You were always Daddy's favorite,
and the one thing he left for me
you stole before he was
even in the ground!
Me?! He'd only talk about what
a perfect daughter you were!
At night, I'd close my eyes,
and I'd imagine a different
animal tearing you to shreds!
I look forward to your funeral
even more than my son's wedding!
I worshiped you. I just
wanted to be around you.
You are delusional. You...
You never liked me!
Guys, guys, shut up, shut up, shut up.
I thought you said this was
a priceless German antique?
Well, it was before you destroyed it!
Well, then why is it stamped
- "Made in Michigan" on the inside?
- That's impossible.
Why would he lie about
something so stupid?
Why would he lie about anything?
I mean, "Best Bowler in the League"?
He got that trophy at a pawnshop.
Maybe he was lying when he said
he always wished I'd been a boy.
He told me that if he and
mama ever got divorced,
he'd take you.
I haven't forgotten about
that my whole life.
I-I never heard that.
I'm sorry.
Guys.
This is so great.
What a breakthrough.
You know, as bad as Daddy was,
he wasn't as stupid as this guy.
Look at that face. It's perfectly blank.
Like he's constantly going
into or coming out of a coma.
Hi, dum-dum!
Anyone home?
Come on. Let me show
you around this place.
Ahh.
Aren't they great?
Ty, they are the spawn of Satan.
♪♪
We used to come here when we were kids.
I sailed little boats in
the water over there.
Got to second base with
Laura French right there.
Are we gonna walk
through your adolescent
sexual experiences?
Because, no, thank you.
This is the place that I
missed when I was in New York.
This was home.
Oh.
The thing I learned about home
is that it's not really a place.
It's a feeling.
And it doesn't really
matter where you are.
It's about who you are and
who your friends are and...
And it's about food.
Billy Roy's Texas Brisket.
Dry-rubbed with 24 spices.
Smoked over apple and
hickory for 10 hours.
So tender it melts in your mouth.
I assume you can eat. Or I
assume you can figure it out.
Mmm!
I-I know I can't understand
what you gave up to come here, but...
Maybe you can find things
that make you miss it a little less.
♪♪
You ever see the sky first
thing in the morning
after a big thunderstorm?
That color?
Yeah.
That's what home is like.
♪♪
Wow.
And... And you're right.
It's not the place.
It's the feeling. Peace.
Boundless, enduring peace.
♪♪
And that's what I miss.
♪♪
- But this is nice, too.
- Well, go on. Try it.
Do you eat things?
- I eat things!
- Okay. Okay.
Hold on, hold on, hold on.
♪♪
I mean...
Mmm!
You're right!
- I knew it.
- Mm-hmm!
A little piece of heaven!
That... That is what I'm saying!
Mm.
Oh. I don't even know what it is.
It's got to be some kind of magic.
One of the 24 spices is...
- Oh, didn't go 25.
- Probably tried 25.
Yeah, didn't work.
How was rehearsal?
Good.
What part are you?
Stagehand. I didn't try out.
- Next time, maybe.
- Cool.
So, um, I was wondering
if you could stop
following me around.
I appreciate the interest,
but, uh, it's...
it's weird... and creepy.
- Okay.
- Thank you.
Can I ask you a question?
Shoot.
Did that meteor give you
superpowers?
Hmm...