Kevin Can F**k Himself (2021–2022): Season 2, Episode 6 - The Machine - full transcript
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You need to get Gertrude's death
certificate from City Hall,
and you need to do it fast.
I found it. Ha!
You know, I've actually been
in the newspaper before.
You caused a city-wide
power outage.
You have to take responsibility
for something, Kevin.
It's the security footage
from Vermont, right?
I'm just gonna say it.
Do you want to move in with me?
You won't live here
anymore. Neither will you.
I do want to help you.
Oh. Oh.
That's enough!
Hey, hey!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Dad, no one should
see this paper!
It's a disgrace and no one
should ever read it!
That's not the only copy, son!
Gah!
It would have been symbolic!
What'd they do to you?
They minted someone else
as the town's biggest
local celebrity.
"The New Worcester Wild Dude."
Oof.
And they say that
he's cuter than me!
Well, that's not
your fault, son.
He's a horse.
Not even a miniature, Dad!
He's a regular, big-boy-sized
racehorse.
His name is
"Straw Man's Argument".
Ha-ha!
That's pretty cute.
Dad, I've seen your girlfriend.
Your cute barometer
ain't workin'.
And good morning to you, Kevin.
Oh, hey!
And this article was written
by that hack of a reporter
who did that hit job
of an interview of me.
That's it.
This will not stand.
Reporter Kelly McDunnaugh
has got to be stopped.
What are you gonna do?
Justice, Dad.
Simple justice.
Whoa!
Other shoe!
I have got to be to work
by 8:55 this morning.
Alexa, what time is it?
It's 8:55 A.M.
Gah!
Since when do you care
about being late?
Mr. Harrison said that if I keep
showing up late,
we're gonna have to discuss
"my future at the company."
Ah.
I hate discussions.
That's why I never gave you
the sex talk.
Just one condom
and a heartfelt "good luck."
I have got to find a way
to get to work faster.
Alexa, set Kevin's work
alarm for six minutes earlier.
Now set for 10:54 A.M.
You have your work alarm
set for 11:00?
Do I look like a man
who lives by a clock?
Listen, what I need is
your help to up my efficiency.
You see, there's this one
intersection on the way to work
with this stop sign
that I've decided is my nemesis.
We've just gotta find
a shortcut.
Aren't you late? Oh, God, yes!
Breakfast.
So, where does Chuck
think you are?
Uh, that would require
Chuck thinking about me.
Oh.
Right.
So, this is where you stayed
before you moved back in?
Yep.
My big three-day rebellion.
Though I guess
you sort of count.
Yeah... you can use me
to rebel all you want.
Hey, what are you doin'
Friday night?
Workin'.
Wanna hit up the Seas after?
I get free popcorn.
I'm a regular.
Everyone gets free popcorn,
sweets.
And I think you and me
are more of a...
just-in-this-room sorta thing.
Oh... yeah!
Yeah, sure.
No, I...
Like I said, I like the room.
Well, I should get going.
Yeah.
Me, too.
Allison: I don't know.
I'm not really sure yet.
So, you're still mulling
how you're going to...
To fake your own death.
I was thinking maybe I would
make it look
like a... a hiking accident.
Or maybe drive Kevin's car
off a bridge.
"Maybe drive Kevin's car
off a bridge"?!
Okay, like I said,
I haven't figured it out yet.
And you're okay with all this?
The other night, the blackout?
Oh.
That was, uh...
That was a weird moment.
I... Sorry.
No, you don't have to be sorry.
So, what else is next?
Uh, ID?
Uh, well, the death certificate
got me Gertrude's Social,
and with that, I was able
to get her birth certificate,
and Billy made me all this
fake mail, so I can...
I can go to the RMV whenever.
But you haven't.
Are you dying to go to the RMV?
Allie, you're stalling. I'm not!
I have a lot of things
I need to do.
I need ID, I need to figure
out money...
That's not a real problem, you
could always find more money.
Okay, just don't...
Don't say things like that.
I just...
I thought you were in trouble,
that you had to leave,
that you were desperate and...
Well, I am!
I am,
but I want to actually
think about things
before I just go ahead
and dive into...
Hi.
Whoa. I know.
What happened?
Uh, I got into a car accident
with Sam.
I could've sworn that there was
a stop sign, at...
At Primrose and Vine.
Well, that's like
two miles away.
Did you walk here?!
Yeah, but I-I went by
the reservoir,
so it was actually kinda nice.
Where's Sam?
Why did he let you do that?
Oh, no, he's fine.
He's fine.
I just had to leave befe
the EMTs got there.
They'd take me to the hospital
and then Jenn and Kevin wd
have all these questions, so...
You don't know that they would
have taken you to the hospital.
I do. I do.
Uh...
My... My shoulder popped out.
I just feel like I don't know
how to have any fun.
Do you know how to have fun?
Uh, fun is for people
with disposable income.
Yeah, and I don't have
disposable income?
That's never stopped him.
That is actually the one...
The one thing that I kinda
maybe admire about him.
Okay.
Maybe you stop drinking now.
I mean, I've never gambled,
I've never been in a fight.
Well, I got poker chips,
and I punch real good.
Ask Neil.
Let's go.
I just can't die
without having any fun,
and it... I could... I could.
I had a near-death
experience today.
My shoulder popped out.
Feel it.
Gross.
No way.
If you're gonna be the one
to pop it back in,
you have to...
No!
Gross.
Okay, just... Hey.
Let's follow the instructions.
Mm.
This says... Alright.
You gotta hold the wrist
of the injured arm,
then I gotta pull straight
and forward...
Okay, okay!
But you have to...
You have to go fast.
Well, then, no.
No.
I'm not ready.
Alright.
Let me know when you're ready.
Okay.
I thought you were movin'.
I am.
Well, why aren't you packed?
Well...
So what?
I'm moving soon.
Who likes to pack?
I do.
I love organizing.
I have this... Ah!
There.
That was kinda fun.
Does it feel better? No!
No, it still hurts,
but it's different.
Hey.
What are you gonna tell Kevin
when he notices
you're waiting on him
hand and foot...
with one less hand?
Maybe now is the opportunity
to finally have some fun.
Oh.
Fuck you.
I woke up.
Another win.
Depends on who you ask.
Dad, is your butt crunching?
This couch is covered in crumbs.
Now that you mention it,
the house is starting to look
a lot like that
old condom in my wallet.
Defective?
Rough around the edges.
Hey, uh, Allison, the house
is starting to look
a little...
disgusting.
When are you gonna clean next?
Well, I am on strike
from house cleaning,
because I clean all day
long at the diner,
and I don't want to do it
when I get home,
so I am on strike.
I'm just taking a page
out of your book, Kev.
You always said that after
work is "me" time.
Can you even go on strike?
You're not in a union.
If only.
Sam at the diner's
really working her to the bone.
She's so distracted, she's
forgetting about her work here,
which I know
she secretly enjoys.
That's it, I gotta take care of
this right now.
Ooh!
A full chip.
Ah!
Lucky.
You, uh... You slept well.
Yeah.
Finally.
First real pain meds
I've had in eight years.
It's just Tylenol with Codeine.
Must've knocked you out
pretty good to sleep
through what went on here
last hour.
You have a bunch of bikers
over or something?
No.
No, just Allison's husband.
But he's loud all on his own.
Kevin?
Kevin was here?
Mm-hmm.
Why?
He says that you are
working Allison too hard.
Seems to think that you're
keeping the diner open
to avoid
your disastrous home life.
Okay, I did not say
anything about... what...
He came by the diner last week
and he saw me sleeping...
He also said that since Allison
started at the diner,
she's been working until
midnight at least once a week.
The diner isn't open
until midnight.
Now, I was under the impression
that you were at
AA meetings those nights,
and, uh... and I told him that,
and that I saw Allison
once there, too.
Jenn... And I re...
I really want to believe it,
that you two were just...
You were going to
AA meetings together.
I don't think Kevin bought it.
And if he can't...
We should talk.
Do we have to?
Yeah.
We do.
Does she hate me?
Right now, she does.
I'm right there with you.
God, I'm sorry.
Do you think I should call
her and apologize?
No, no.
Definitely no.
At least Kevin bought that
we were going to AA together.
Thank God.
Kind of.
Well, he cornered me last night
and told me sobriety
was the reason
I'm not fun anymore.
Called it a
"reverse intervention."
Jesus.
It's scary how okay he can seem
after 10 car bombs.
Still sounds better than my day.
God, I'm sorry.
I feel like my near-death energy
lasted 24 hours.
Leave it to Kevin
to bring you back to reality.
Yeah.
But...
Jenn and I have been
struggling for so long.
Even before we moved back here.
I feel like we could have
pretended forever,
but now...
Kevin blew up your life.
Welcome.
The thing is,
I'm not sure I'm angry.
Maybe it's my near-death energy
talking, but...
I might a...
I might actually
be grateful to him.
Grateful? I know.
It's scary, right?
Yeah.
Oh.
Hello.
Hey, what can I get ya?
I am not sure yet.
Ah.
I haven't been in here
in a while.
Not since my husband's ad aired.
You know...
"Wild Dude."
Hey, that's right!
Man.
You must laugh, like,
all the time
with a guy like that at home.
Um, anyway, uh, I guess
I will get...
Unh-uh. Hey, hey.
No, no, no, no, no.
You get a beer on me.
Thank you.
Oh!
Oh, no!
Morning, Dad.
It's funny, I don't remember
ordering a boiled ham.
Dad, this is my brand-new,
kick-ass indoor hot tub.
You want in on this?
I'm not getting into a tub
with my grown son.
That's residual priest
nervousness, if you ask me.
Well, no one did.
If I were up for it,
I'd give you a rare high five
for giving that to Dad.
But I can't.
I'm simply too... bereft.
You're bereft?
In a hot tub?
I know! I should be
out-of-my-gourd excited.
But instead, I'm realizing
that hot tubbing alone is...
Pretty sad.
Pretty sad.
You know, I should have my
right-hand man in here with me,
but, no, Neil is nowhere
to be found... again.
Yeah, he's been
very busy lately.
I imagine this must be
what it's like
to reach the top
of Everest alone.
What does the beauty matter
if there's no other soul
to share it with?
It's like that time
I saw Steve Harvey
and no one believed me.
Hey, do, uh,
you want to get in?
Uh, no thank you.
I'm gonna go see Diane.
Ugh.
Of course.
Everybody has somebody
to hang out with
except for me!
That's it, I have decided that
I'm gonna get everyone
in my life to start showing up
for my big moment of triumph!
It starts now!
Isn't this when
you spring into action?
Yeah, but I'm naked in here
and Lorraine's
in the kitchen, so...
Allison: Diane?
Hey, D, you okay?
Yeah! Sorry.
Yeah.
I'm... I'm fine.
Oh! Uh, you...
You didn't need to do that.
My treat.
Oh...
Why'd you order that?
Uh, in here, I'm known
as "Mrs. Wild Dude,"
so they give me free beer.
So, that's the sudden urge
to take me day-drinkin'?
'Cause you get free beer? No.
It's 'cause I haven't
seen you lately.
I guess.
Do you wanna maybe tell me
why that is?
We've both been busy.
I think you've been busier
than I have.
With Neil.
I saw you here the other night.
Okay.
So?
Well, you're cheating
on Chuck with Neil.
Neil is...
I don't know.
Something to look forward to.
But are you happy?
I'm not in love or anything.
I'm satisfied, hmm?
And you deserve to be satisfied.
More than satisfied.
Just be careful.
Of what?!
I'm pretty sure Neil's exacy
who I think he is, okay?
That is the appeal.Yeah.
I used to think so, too,
but, um...
"But, um" what?
I just want you to be okay.
I'm here.
Okay.
But Allison, he's, uh...
He's been here.
It's not a lot,
but it's somethin'.
Enjoy your free beer.
Are you still hungover?
It's been, like, two days.Mnh-mm.
It's food poisoning.
Yeah, what did you eat?
Brown liquors.
Ow.Uh...
is that why
you haven't packed yet?
Mm.
Tammy.
Okay.
Um...
I'm only gonna ask this one...
I shouldn't read
into this, right?
Absolutely not.
No.
There's a box right over there.
There's, like,
four cassette tapes in there.
'Cause I wanna bring those.
I guess it wouldn't be you if we
were moving on this any faster.
Thank you...
I think.
I just gotta go throw up
one more time.
Sorry.
Leave me alone, Patty.
What... Diane?
Well, you're not dead
on the roadside.
That's good, I guess.
Oh, man, we were... we were
supposed to hang out last night.
I-I...
I totally spaced.
Bullshit.
Kevin called.
There was this whole
hot tub thing,
a-and he got mad at me,
and I just...
I got distracted.
I... He pointed out I've been
MIA a lot lately, and...
And I think
he's right, you know?
I've been spending way too
much time on...
On other stuff.
But you hate Kevin.
What?
No, Kevin's my best friend.
He... He looks out for me,
and I've been really
shitty to him lately.
Okay. Is that true, or is that
just what he tells you?
No. No!
No, this is my fault,
and it's 'cause of us
that I've been acting shitty.
This whole thing is weird
and stupid.
Having sex with me
is weird and stupid?
Well, yeah!
Kinda!
Okay. I...
You really don't need
to worry about that anymore.
I...
Hey, Diane... alcoholic.
All: Hi, Diane.
I know you say you're not
supposed to get
in a relationship the first year
of doing this whole thing,
but, uh, I... I got sober
after I met this guy,
so I thought it didn't count.
But it's over,
and okay, I get it.
Because, like,
I was able to get sober
because of him.
Like, I had something
to look forward to
that wasn't a nip of Fireball
after work...
or during work.
Without him... I'm gonna be
honest with you, okay?
Without him, I don't...
I don't know how long
I can go without drinking.
And without me...
I don't want to have to worry
about him,
but I can't stop
worrying about him.
I'm back, buddy!
Neil! It's been a while
since I woke up
to find you drinking
in our living room.
Uh, I wouldn't call it
our living room.
You're about as welcome here
as a book,
in that I feel dumb and mad
when I see you,
and I don't care at all
what's going on inside of you.
Ah!
Neil!
It's good to see you back
where you belong.
Yeah.
Two peas in a pod.
Like Tom Brady and... Gronk?
You definitely have the same IQ.
Thank you.
It just feels right to have
you next to me, buddy.
Especially since we're getting
ready for our annual
Tour de Franzia bar crawl!
Ah, yes.
Your annual drunken race.
Tiny little tricycles,
and great big boxes of wine.
And a trophy!
The boys from Maloney's
don't stand a chance.
And do you remember
why you lost last year?
I got my stomach pumped. Of course.
Everyone else calls it
"you puked all over my kitchen."
We all lost that day.
We sure did.
Amen.Amen.
How much has changed
since I've been gone?
Well, good luck.
And Neil, maybe this year,
you can puke all over
your own kitchen.
Joke's on her, my kitchen's
already covered in puke.
Yeah.
Mm.
Neil.
Neil?
Oh...
Neil!
Oh, please,
just let yourself in.
Well, I pay the mortgage,
so, yeah,
ugh, I will let myself in.
How much wine have you had?
Here.
I'm fine.
I gotta go.
You're not going anywhere, Neil.
I have to!
We lost the crawl
and Kevin's pissed.
Those guys from
Maloney's cheated,
and now we gotta get 'em back.
I just need to go to
the paint store
and find that goat.
Goat? Mm.
You sound like an idiot.
Why don't you just sleep
this one off?
God, will you just
move out already?
I will!
I am!
No, you shut up.
Just lie down.
Kevin needs me.
Kevin will be fine.
Kevin's always fine.
Shit.
Hey, do you have any more shifts
I can pick up?
Sam?
Jenn's parents are trying to
claim sole ownership of Bev's.
What?!
Jenn told them we split...
And probably why we split...
And...
they're taking it.
But...
Bev's is yours!
They can't do that.
Well, the way I let them
structure it,
I think they can.
So sorry.
Still feel grateful
to Kevin now?
Yeah.
I don't think he blew up
my life on purpose,
but it's like
that makes it worse.
If only he'd accidentally
fix it somehow.
Uh, A-Allison?
Got a sec?
Oh.
Yeah.
Um...
Back room.
Ugh. God.
This is sad.
If I ever wind up living
in the packie, kill me.
Well, I'm really glad
you came by.
I hate where we left off.
But you could've come
by the house.
Uh, no.
I couldn't.
Not for this.
It is what it is, and I don't
want to hear about it.
About what?
Diane, what is this?
I won it playing Keno
a few weeks back.
Thought you could, uh,
use a little extra cash
for your...
vacation.
Diane, I...
I don't deserve this.
You were right, what you said,
I've been distracted
by my own bullshit,
and... and you
need to take this.
And use it for what?
I thought about hitting
Atlantic City with Neil,
but that's not gonna happen.
Diane, I was never rootin'
for you to be unhappy.
I just wanted you to have more.
You know, I never wanted kids.
I thought I'd always have boys,
and then I would have to take
care of them all until I died.
And I felt like
I already had a girl.
Thank you.
Thank Kevin, hmm?
If it weren't for him, I'd be
blowing it on roulette
with Neil.
I told you you could
always get more money.
God, I wish I had your luck.
Well, this wasn't luck.
Sam, I really... I want to
help you keep this place.
Yeah, that's... that's nice,
but Jenn's parents are ruthless.
This isn't about money for them.
So, how?
I have no idea.
I think Kevin might?
Come on, guys!
Ugh!
Pete! Anybody!
Patty?
What's going on?
Neil got drunk on red wine,
and when he's wine drunk,
well, he's a lot like my dad.
I tried to keep him
in the apartment,
but he and Kevin wanted
to do something stupid.
Oh. And the car's gone, so
whatever Kevin wanted to do,
they are doing.
And they drove.
Fantastic.
Want me to come over
and wait up with you?
I should probably pack.
Yeah, I... Yeah.
Few things I need
to figure out, too.
Well...
I should have gone
to nursing school.
You would've had to work
on your bedside manner.
Shut up!
Oh.
Yeah.
Okay.
But I-I still think that
I'd be great at it.
I do, too.
So, prove it!
Okay.
The back ones?
Well, not the front ones!
We need two or three.
Jesus.
Open up.
Oh, that's a very good one.Ah.
Okay, on the count of three.Uh-huh.
One... Uh-huh!
Two... wait.
Wait.
Why are we doing this again?
Dental records.Sure.
You said that, but why do
we need dental records?
Because Sam keeps
giving me a hard time
about how I'm gonna kill myself,
so I figure I torch Kevin's car,
I sprinkle a few teeth
in the front seat,
it looks like
I burn up in there,
and then they identify me
by my dental records.
So, Bob's your uncle.
What?
That's an awful plan!
Why? Well...
It's just not at all
how dental records... work.
Or fires.
Okay, well, I need
to figure something out,
'cause this is the last thing
I need to do.
Mm.
The last thing.Yeah.
So, I have to be smart about it.
Yeah... pliers notwithstanding,
I guess.
Sam thinks I'm stalling.
Okay, what is with everyone
rushing everybody all the time.
Thank you!
Nick is in a coma.
Kevin and Neil
are back to normal.
So, I... I do have time.
I can't be stupid about this.
Mm. You gotta
think things through.
Yeah.
You gotta be sure.
How do you know
when you're sure?
Oh.
It's Tammy.
Well, I should probab... I...
Okay.
Hey.
Oh, sorry.
Officer. Yeah, I... I thought
you were somebody else.
How can I help you?
Yeah.
I'm his sister.
Man: O'Connor?
You made bail.
Thank you.
You okay?
No.
You woke up!
Another win.
Eh.
Mornin'.
What is this?
It's called breakfast, Dad.
I know it's breakfast.
But where are the meats?
He's right!
Allison, what is happening here?
Yes, I left out the meats.
I hate it, too, but we have to
cut back a little bit,
because I'm losing my job
at the diner.
What?
What'd you do?
Sam's in-laws are coming
after the diner in the divorce
and they're closing it down.
Of course he can't keep
his restaurant.
He can't even keep his own wife!
Well, we just have to cut back
on a few things, alright?
Breakfast meats,
maybe buy a little less beer.
Excuse me?
A-And what are you giving up?
Well, we can stop ordering
takeout all the time.
Meaning,
you'll... cook?
Um, I can boil a dinner
with the best of them.
Well, if you have such a problem
with it,
you can take it up with Sam
and his terrible
divorce settlement.
Actually, you know what?
Don't do that,
because he doesn't enjoy
talking to you.
Do you think he's still in jail?
Well, Kevin definitely
didn't bail him out.
I should've.
Oh, 'cause you're worried about
him getting back at us,
or you're worried about him?
Yes.
It's good that you didn't.
Okay, just let him dry out
in there for the weekend,
let him take care
of himself for once.
Ah!
Ouch.
Want me to make you
some soup or something?
Curry's good for a hangover.
Better than...
Better than hazelnut coffee.
We had the same amount.
It's really almost rude
that you feel absolutely fine.
Kevin's rubbing off on me.
Meanwhile, this has been my
second hangover of this week.
Tammy's not gonna love it.
She thinks you're
a bad influence on me.
Bad influence?
She told me about
your thing with Sam.
As if that's the thing that
makes you morally compromised.
She told you that? I already knew.
Yeah, but she didn't know
that you knew.
She's just jealous.
She'll get over it.
'Cause we're friends?
Yeah.
And you're not gonna be around
for much longer.
Hey.
Oh, hey.
I'm only slightly hungover
this time, I swear.
What is that smell?
You got a Yankee Candle going?
Hazelnut.
Sorry.
I'm gonna get out of here,
but feel better.
Bye.
Hey, hold on.
We gotta talk.
Look, I know what you said
about us hanging out,
but you can't control her life,
we're friends.
That's not what this is, okay?
I'm worried about her.
Worried how?
This is Patty at a gas station
in Vermont,
where I'm pretty sure
she assaulted a trucker
for some pills,
pills that ended up on the y
that broke into your house.
I don't know exactly
what it means,
but I know she's wrapped upn
something stupid,
something bad.
Oh, uh, have you shown this
to anyone else?
No.
The minute I do,
it becomes official.
Okay. Well, uh, there must be
some misunderstanding.
That's not like Patty.
You know her.
I mean, I think I do,
but don't you think
she's been acting weird lately?
Mm, no.
No, no.
I mean, not at all.
She's been... she's been
completely normal with me.
What?
Nothing.
Bye, Allison.
Bye.
Patty, what the hell
are you doing?!
Honey, that wasn't the guy.
Man: Allison?
Allison? Yeah? Yeah?
Jenn's parents dropped
their claim on the diner.
They did? Yeah, yeah.
They were informed of an
impending personal injury suit
against the diner,
a slip and fall.
If we lost, they'd be on
the hook for the payout,
and they wanted no part of it.
How did that happen?
Was it...
The plaintiff's name was
"Kelvin McLoberts."
Yeah.
This all feels a little slimy,
but I guess technically,
I didn't do anything,
so, I mean, I can just
let this happen, right?
Sam, I don't want to leave.
After all the... Yeah.
But why? I'm just...
not ready to give up...
everything.
You were right.
I was stalling.
And I thought I could.
I thought I had time.
But now Tammy's found...
something,
and soon, she's just
gonna ruin all of it.
Ruin what?
Your great life here?
Yeah. What?!
I know! I know.
It's just that,
everything's been easier lately.
But Kevin... Yeah, it turns out,
if you make your problems
Kevin's problems,
he just fixes all of them.
Look, he has taken from me
for 15 years.
I'm just starting
to get something back.
I don't want you to leave,
either,
but you kinda have to, right?
I mean, Tammy... She is a problem.
But now I know how to take
care of my problems.
I introduce them to Kevin.
Hey.
Wanna hear a crazy story?
Allison, if Kevin decided
Tammy's a problem,
she won't be a cop
in three days.
Neil kept talking about
this crazy story he had.
It was really awful.
Patty: What?
Patty, uh, I have to go
find Neil.
Have you seen him lately?
Patty's getting worried.
Neil?
---
You need to get Gertrude's death
certificate from City Hall,
and you need to do it fast.
I found it. Ha!
You know, I've actually been
in the newspaper before.
You caused a city-wide
power outage.
You have to take responsibility
for something, Kevin.
It's the security footage
from Vermont, right?
I'm just gonna say it.
Do you want to move in with me?
You won't live here
anymore. Neither will you.
I do want to help you.
Oh. Oh.
That's enough!
Hey, hey!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Dad, no one should
see this paper!
It's a disgrace and no one
should ever read it!
That's not the only copy, son!
Gah!
It would have been symbolic!
What'd they do to you?
They minted someone else
as the town's biggest
local celebrity.
"The New Worcester Wild Dude."
Oof.
And they say that
he's cuter than me!
Well, that's not
your fault, son.
He's a horse.
Not even a miniature, Dad!
He's a regular, big-boy-sized
racehorse.
His name is
"Straw Man's Argument".
Ha-ha!
That's pretty cute.
Dad, I've seen your girlfriend.
Your cute barometer
ain't workin'.
And good morning to you, Kevin.
Oh, hey!
And this article was written
by that hack of a reporter
who did that hit job
of an interview of me.
That's it.
This will not stand.
Reporter Kelly McDunnaugh
has got to be stopped.
What are you gonna do?
Justice, Dad.
Simple justice.
Whoa!
Other shoe!
I have got to be to work
by 8:55 this morning.
Alexa, what time is it?
It's 8:55 A.M.
Gah!
Since when do you care
about being late?
Mr. Harrison said that if I keep
showing up late,
we're gonna have to discuss
"my future at the company."
Ah.
I hate discussions.
That's why I never gave you
the sex talk.
Just one condom
and a heartfelt "good luck."
I have got to find a way
to get to work faster.
Alexa, set Kevin's work
alarm for six minutes earlier.
Now set for 10:54 A.M.
You have your work alarm
set for 11:00?
Do I look like a man
who lives by a clock?
Listen, what I need is
your help to up my efficiency.
You see, there's this one
intersection on the way to work
with this stop sign
that I've decided is my nemesis.
We've just gotta find
a shortcut.
Aren't you late? Oh, God, yes!
Breakfast.
So, where does Chuck
think you are?
Uh, that would require
Chuck thinking about me.
Oh.
Right.
So, this is where you stayed
before you moved back in?
Yep.
My big three-day rebellion.
Though I guess
you sort of count.
Yeah... you can use me
to rebel all you want.
Hey, what are you doin'
Friday night?
Workin'.
Wanna hit up the Seas after?
I get free popcorn.
I'm a regular.
Everyone gets free popcorn,
sweets.
And I think you and me
are more of a...
just-in-this-room sorta thing.
Oh... yeah!
Yeah, sure.
No, I...
Like I said, I like the room.
Well, I should get going.
Yeah.
Me, too.
Allison: I don't know.
I'm not really sure yet.
So, you're still mulling
how you're going to...
To fake your own death.
I was thinking maybe I would
make it look
like a... a hiking accident.
Or maybe drive Kevin's car
off a bridge.
"Maybe drive Kevin's car
off a bridge"?!
Okay, like I said,
I haven't figured it out yet.
And you're okay with all this?
The other night, the blackout?
Oh.
That was, uh...
That was a weird moment.
I... Sorry.
No, you don't have to be sorry.
So, what else is next?
Uh, ID?
Uh, well, the death certificate
got me Gertrude's Social,
and with that, I was able
to get her birth certificate,
and Billy made me all this
fake mail, so I can...
I can go to the RMV whenever.
But you haven't.
Are you dying to go to the RMV?
Allie, you're stalling. I'm not!
I have a lot of things
I need to do.
I need ID, I need to figure
out money...
That's not a real problem, you
could always find more money.
Okay, just don't...
Don't say things like that.
I just...
I thought you were in trouble,
that you had to leave,
that you were desperate and...
Well, I am!
I am,
but I want to actually
think about things
before I just go ahead
and dive into...
Hi.
Whoa. I know.
What happened?
Uh, I got into a car accident
with Sam.
I could've sworn that there was
a stop sign, at...
At Primrose and Vine.
Well, that's like
two miles away.
Did you walk here?!
Yeah, but I-I went by
the reservoir,
so it was actually kinda nice.
Where's Sam?
Why did he let you do that?
Oh, no, he's fine.
He's fine.
I just had to leave befe
the EMTs got there.
They'd take me to the hospital
and then Jenn and Kevin wd
have all these questions, so...
You don't know that they would
have taken you to the hospital.
I do. I do.
Uh...
My... My shoulder popped out.
I just feel like I don't know
how to have any fun.
Do you know how to have fun?
Uh, fun is for people
with disposable income.
Yeah, and I don't have
disposable income?
That's never stopped him.
That is actually the one...
The one thing that I kinda
maybe admire about him.
Okay.
Maybe you stop drinking now.
I mean, I've never gambled,
I've never been in a fight.
Well, I got poker chips,
and I punch real good.
Ask Neil.
Let's go.
I just can't die
without having any fun,
and it... I could... I could.
I had a near-death
experience today.
My shoulder popped out.
Feel it.
Gross.
No way.
If you're gonna be the one
to pop it back in,
you have to...
No!
Gross.
Okay, just... Hey.
Let's follow the instructions.
Mm.
This says... Alright.
You gotta hold the wrist
of the injured arm,
then I gotta pull straight
and forward...
Okay, okay!
But you have to...
You have to go fast.
Well, then, no.
No.
I'm not ready.
Alright.
Let me know when you're ready.
Okay.
I thought you were movin'.
I am.
Well, why aren't you packed?
Well...
So what?
I'm moving soon.
Who likes to pack?
I do.
I love organizing.
I have this... Ah!
There.
That was kinda fun.
Does it feel better? No!
No, it still hurts,
but it's different.
Hey.
What are you gonna tell Kevin
when he notices
you're waiting on him
hand and foot...
with one less hand?
Maybe now is the opportunity
to finally have some fun.
Oh.
Fuck you.
I woke up.
Another win.
Depends on who you ask.
Dad, is your butt crunching?
This couch is covered in crumbs.
Now that you mention it,
the house is starting to look
a lot like that
old condom in my wallet.
Defective?
Rough around the edges.
Hey, uh, Allison, the house
is starting to look
a little...
disgusting.
When are you gonna clean next?
Well, I am on strike
from house cleaning,
because I clean all day
long at the diner,
and I don't want to do it
when I get home,
so I am on strike.
I'm just taking a page
out of your book, Kev.
You always said that after
work is "me" time.
Can you even go on strike?
You're not in a union.
If only.
Sam at the diner's
really working her to the bone.
She's so distracted, she's
forgetting about her work here,
which I know
she secretly enjoys.
That's it, I gotta take care of
this right now.
Ooh!
A full chip.
Ah!
Lucky.
You, uh... You slept well.
Yeah.
Finally.
First real pain meds
I've had in eight years.
It's just Tylenol with Codeine.
Must've knocked you out
pretty good to sleep
through what went on here
last hour.
You have a bunch of bikers
over or something?
No.
No, just Allison's husband.
But he's loud all on his own.
Kevin?
Kevin was here?
Mm-hmm.
Why?
He says that you are
working Allison too hard.
Seems to think that you're
keeping the diner open
to avoid
your disastrous home life.
Okay, I did not say
anything about... what...
He came by the diner last week
and he saw me sleeping...
He also said that since Allison
started at the diner,
she's been working until
midnight at least once a week.
The diner isn't open
until midnight.
Now, I was under the impression
that you were at
AA meetings those nights,
and, uh... and I told him that,
and that I saw Allison
once there, too.
Jenn... And I re...
I really want to believe it,
that you two were just...
You were going to
AA meetings together.
I don't think Kevin bought it.
And if he can't...
We should talk.
Do we have to?
Yeah.
We do.
Does she hate me?
Right now, she does.
I'm right there with you.
God, I'm sorry.
Do you think I should call
her and apologize?
No, no.
Definitely no.
At least Kevin bought that
we were going to AA together.
Thank God.
Kind of.
Well, he cornered me last night
and told me sobriety
was the reason
I'm not fun anymore.
Called it a
"reverse intervention."
Jesus.
It's scary how okay he can seem
after 10 car bombs.
Still sounds better than my day.
God, I'm sorry.
I feel like my near-death energy
lasted 24 hours.
Leave it to Kevin
to bring you back to reality.
Yeah.
But...
Jenn and I have been
struggling for so long.
Even before we moved back here.
I feel like we could have
pretended forever,
but now...
Kevin blew up your life.
Welcome.
The thing is,
I'm not sure I'm angry.
Maybe it's my near-death energy
talking, but...
I might a...
I might actually
be grateful to him.
Grateful? I know.
It's scary, right?
Yeah.
Oh.
Hello.
Hey, what can I get ya?
I am not sure yet.
Ah.
I haven't been in here
in a while.
Not since my husband's ad aired.
You know...
"Wild Dude."
Hey, that's right!
Man.
You must laugh, like,
all the time
with a guy like that at home.
Um, anyway, uh, I guess
I will get...
Unh-uh. Hey, hey.
No, no, no, no, no.
You get a beer on me.
Thank you.
Oh!
Oh, no!
Morning, Dad.
It's funny, I don't remember
ordering a boiled ham.
Dad, this is my brand-new,
kick-ass indoor hot tub.
You want in on this?
I'm not getting into a tub
with my grown son.
That's residual priest
nervousness, if you ask me.
Well, no one did.
If I were up for it,
I'd give you a rare high five
for giving that to Dad.
But I can't.
I'm simply too... bereft.
You're bereft?
In a hot tub?
I know! I should be
out-of-my-gourd excited.
But instead, I'm realizing
that hot tubbing alone is...
Pretty sad.
Pretty sad.
You know, I should have my
right-hand man in here with me,
but, no, Neil is nowhere
to be found... again.
Yeah, he's been
very busy lately.
I imagine this must be
what it's like
to reach the top
of Everest alone.
What does the beauty matter
if there's no other soul
to share it with?
It's like that time
I saw Steve Harvey
and no one believed me.
Hey, do, uh,
you want to get in?
Uh, no thank you.
I'm gonna go see Diane.
Ugh.
Of course.
Everybody has somebody
to hang out with
except for me!
That's it, I have decided that
I'm gonna get everyone
in my life to start showing up
for my big moment of triumph!
It starts now!
Isn't this when
you spring into action?
Yeah, but I'm naked in here
and Lorraine's
in the kitchen, so...
Allison: Diane?
Hey, D, you okay?
Yeah! Sorry.
Yeah.
I'm... I'm fine.
Oh! Uh, you...
You didn't need to do that.
My treat.
Oh...
Why'd you order that?
Uh, in here, I'm known
as "Mrs. Wild Dude,"
so they give me free beer.
So, that's the sudden urge
to take me day-drinkin'?
'Cause you get free beer? No.
It's 'cause I haven't
seen you lately.
I guess.
Do you wanna maybe tell me
why that is?
We've both been busy.
I think you've been busier
than I have.
With Neil.
I saw you here the other night.
Okay.
So?
Well, you're cheating
on Chuck with Neil.
Neil is...
I don't know.
Something to look forward to.
But are you happy?
I'm not in love or anything.
I'm satisfied, hmm?
And you deserve to be satisfied.
More than satisfied.
Just be careful.
Of what?!
I'm pretty sure Neil's exacy
who I think he is, okay?
That is the appeal.Yeah.
I used to think so, too,
but, um...
"But, um" what?
I just want you to be okay.
I'm here.
Okay.
But Allison, he's, uh...
He's been here.
It's not a lot,
but it's somethin'.
Enjoy your free beer.
Are you still hungover?
It's been, like, two days.Mnh-mm.
It's food poisoning.
Yeah, what did you eat?
Brown liquors.
Ow.Uh...
is that why
you haven't packed yet?
Mm.
Tammy.
Okay.
Um...
I'm only gonna ask this one...
I shouldn't read
into this, right?
Absolutely not.
No.
There's a box right over there.
There's, like,
four cassette tapes in there.
'Cause I wanna bring those.
I guess it wouldn't be you if we
were moving on this any faster.
Thank you...
I think.
I just gotta go throw up
one more time.
Sorry.
Leave me alone, Patty.
What... Diane?
Well, you're not dead
on the roadside.
That's good, I guess.
Oh, man, we were... we were
supposed to hang out last night.
I-I...
I totally spaced.
Bullshit.
Kevin called.
There was this whole
hot tub thing,
a-and he got mad at me,
and I just...
I got distracted.
I... He pointed out I've been
MIA a lot lately, and...
And I think
he's right, you know?
I've been spending way too
much time on...
On other stuff.
But you hate Kevin.
What?
No, Kevin's my best friend.
He... He looks out for me,
and I've been really
shitty to him lately.
Okay. Is that true, or is that
just what he tells you?
No. No!
No, this is my fault,
and it's 'cause of us
that I've been acting shitty.
This whole thing is weird
and stupid.
Having sex with me
is weird and stupid?
Well, yeah!
Kinda!
Okay. I...
You really don't need
to worry about that anymore.
I...
Hey, Diane... alcoholic.
All: Hi, Diane.
I know you say you're not
supposed to get
in a relationship the first year
of doing this whole thing,
but, uh, I... I got sober
after I met this guy,
so I thought it didn't count.
But it's over,
and okay, I get it.
Because, like,
I was able to get sober
because of him.
Like, I had something
to look forward to
that wasn't a nip of Fireball
after work...
or during work.
Without him... I'm gonna be
honest with you, okay?
Without him, I don't...
I don't know how long
I can go without drinking.
And without me...
I don't want to have to worry
about him,
but I can't stop
worrying about him.
I'm back, buddy!
Neil! It's been a while
since I woke up
to find you drinking
in our living room.
Uh, I wouldn't call it
our living room.
You're about as welcome here
as a book,
in that I feel dumb and mad
when I see you,
and I don't care at all
what's going on inside of you.
Ah!
Neil!
It's good to see you back
where you belong.
Yeah.
Two peas in a pod.
Like Tom Brady and... Gronk?
You definitely have the same IQ.
Thank you.
It just feels right to have
you next to me, buddy.
Especially since we're getting
ready for our annual
Tour de Franzia bar crawl!
Ah, yes.
Your annual drunken race.
Tiny little tricycles,
and great big boxes of wine.
And a trophy!
The boys from Maloney's
don't stand a chance.
And do you remember
why you lost last year?
I got my stomach pumped. Of course.
Everyone else calls it
"you puked all over my kitchen."
We all lost that day.
We sure did.
Amen.Amen.
How much has changed
since I've been gone?
Well, good luck.
And Neil, maybe this year,
you can puke all over
your own kitchen.
Joke's on her, my kitchen's
already covered in puke.
Yeah.
Mm.
Neil.
Neil?
Oh...
Neil!
Oh, please,
just let yourself in.
Well, I pay the mortgage,
so, yeah,
ugh, I will let myself in.
How much wine have you had?
Here.
I'm fine.
I gotta go.
You're not going anywhere, Neil.
I have to!
We lost the crawl
and Kevin's pissed.
Those guys from
Maloney's cheated,
and now we gotta get 'em back.
I just need to go to
the paint store
and find that goat.
Goat? Mm.
You sound like an idiot.
Why don't you just sleep
this one off?
God, will you just
move out already?
I will!
I am!
No, you shut up.
Just lie down.
Kevin needs me.
Kevin will be fine.
Kevin's always fine.
Shit.
Hey, do you have any more shifts
I can pick up?
Sam?
Jenn's parents are trying to
claim sole ownership of Bev's.
What?!
Jenn told them we split...
And probably why we split...
And...
they're taking it.
But...
Bev's is yours!
They can't do that.
Well, the way I let them
structure it,
I think they can.
So sorry.
Still feel grateful
to Kevin now?
Yeah.
I don't think he blew up
my life on purpose,
but it's like
that makes it worse.
If only he'd accidentally
fix it somehow.
Uh, A-Allison?
Got a sec?
Oh.
Yeah.
Um...
Back room.
Ugh. God.
This is sad.
If I ever wind up living
in the packie, kill me.
Well, I'm really glad
you came by.
I hate where we left off.
But you could've come
by the house.
Uh, no.
I couldn't.
Not for this.
It is what it is, and I don't
want to hear about it.
About what?
Diane, what is this?
I won it playing Keno
a few weeks back.
Thought you could, uh,
use a little extra cash
for your...
vacation.
Diane, I...
I don't deserve this.
You were right, what you said,
I've been distracted
by my own bullshit,
and... and you
need to take this.
And use it for what?
I thought about hitting
Atlantic City with Neil,
but that's not gonna happen.
Diane, I was never rootin'
for you to be unhappy.
I just wanted you to have more.
You know, I never wanted kids.
I thought I'd always have boys,
and then I would have to take
care of them all until I died.
And I felt like
I already had a girl.
Thank you.
Thank Kevin, hmm?
If it weren't for him, I'd be
blowing it on roulette
with Neil.
I told you you could
always get more money.
God, I wish I had your luck.
Well, this wasn't luck.
Sam, I really... I want to
help you keep this place.
Yeah, that's... that's nice,
but Jenn's parents are ruthless.
This isn't about money for them.
So, how?
I have no idea.
I think Kevin might?
Come on, guys!
Ugh!
Pete! Anybody!
Patty?
What's going on?
Neil got drunk on red wine,
and when he's wine drunk,
well, he's a lot like my dad.
I tried to keep him
in the apartment,
but he and Kevin wanted
to do something stupid.
Oh. And the car's gone, so
whatever Kevin wanted to do,
they are doing.
And they drove.
Fantastic.
Want me to come over
and wait up with you?
I should probably pack.
Yeah, I... Yeah.
Few things I need
to figure out, too.
Well...
I should have gone
to nursing school.
You would've had to work
on your bedside manner.
Shut up!
Oh.
Yeah.
Okay.
But I-I still think that
I'd be great at it.
I do, too.
So, prove it!
Okay.
The back ones?
Well, not the front ones!
We need two or three.
Jesus.
Open up.
Oh, that's a very good one.Ah.
Okay, on the count of three.Uh-huh.
One... Uh-huh!
Two... wait.
Wait.
Why are we doing this again?
Dental records.Sure.
You said that, but why do
we need dental records?
Because Sam keeps
giving me a hard time
about how I'm gonna kill myself,
so I figure I torch Kevin's car,
I sprinkle a few teeth
in the front seat,
it looks like
I burn up in there,
and then they identify me
by my dental records.
So, Bob's your uncle.
What?
That's an awful plan!
Why? Well...
It's just not at all
how dental records... work.
Or fires.
Okay, well, I need
to figure something out,
'cause this is the last thing
I need to do.
Mm.
The last thing.Yeah.
So, I have to be smart about it.
Yeah... pliers notwithstanding,
I guess.
Sam thinks I'm stalling.
Okay, what is with everyone
rushing everybody all the time.
Thank you!
Nick is in a coma.
Kevin and Neil
are back to normal.
So, I... I do have time.
I can't be stupid about this.
Mm. You gotta
think things through.
Yeah.
You gotta be sure.
How do you know
when you're sure?
Oh.
It's Tammy.
Well, I should probab... I...
Okay.
Hey.
Oh, sorry.
Officer. Yeah, I... I thought
you were somebody else.
How can I help you?
Yeah.
I'm his sister.
Man: O'Connor?
You made bail.
Thank you.
You okay?
No.
You woke up!
Another win.
Eh.
Mornin'.
What is this?
It's called breakfast, Dad.
I know it's breakfast.
But where are the meats?
He's right!
Allison, what is happening here?
Yes, I left out the meats.
I hate it, too, but we have to
cut back a little bit,
because I'm losing my job
at the diner.
What?
What'd you do?
Sam's in-laws are coming
after the diner in the divorce
and they're closing it down.
Of course he can't keep
his restaurant.
He can't even keep his own wife!
Well, we just have to cut back
on a few things, alright?
Breakfast meats,
maybe buy a little less beer.
Excuse me?
A-And what are you giving up?
Well, we can stop ordering
takeout all the time.
Meaning,
you'll... cook?
Um, I can boil a dinner
with the best of them.
Well, if you have such a problem
with it,
you can take it up with Sam
and his terrible
divorce settlement.
Actually, you know what?
Don't do that,
because he doesn't enjoy
talking to you.
Do you think he's still in jail?
Well, Kevin definitely
didn't bail him out.
I should've.
Oh, 'cause you're worried about
him getting back at us,
or you're worried about him?
Yes.
It's good that you didn't.
Okay, just let him dry out
in there for the weekend,
let him take care
of himself for once.
Ah!
Ouch.
Want me to make you
some soup or something?
Curry's good for a hangover.
Better than...
Better than hazelnut coffee.
We had the same amount.
It's really almost rude
that you feel absolutely fine.
Kevin's rubbing off on me.
Meanwhile, this has been my
second hangover of this week.
Tammy's not gonna love it.
She thinks you're
a bad influence on me.
Bad influence?
She told me about
your thing with Sam.
As if that's the thing that
makes you morally compromised.
She told you that? I already knew.
Yeah, but she didn't know
that you knew.
She's just jealous.
She'll get over it.
'Cause we're friends?
Yeah.
And you're not gonna be around
for much longer.
Hey.
Oh, hey.
I'm only slightly hungover
this time, I swear.
What is that smell?
You got a Yankee Candle going?
Hazelnut.
Sorry.
I'm gonna get out of here,
but feel better.
Bye.
Hey, hold on.
We gotta talk.
Look, I know what you said
about us hanging out,
but you can't control her life,
we're friends.
That's not what this is, okay?
I'm worried about her.
Worried how?
This is Patty at a gas station
in Vermont,
where I'm pretty sure
she assaulted a trucker
for some pills,
pills that ended up on the y
that broke into your house.
I don't know exactly
what it means,
but I know she's wrapped upn
something stupid,
something bad.
Oh, uh, have you shown this
to anyone else?
No.
The minute I do,
it becomes official.
Okay. Well, uh, there must be
some misunderstanding.
That's not like Patty.
You know her.
I mean, I think I do,
but don't you think
she's been acting weird lately?
Mm, no.
No, no.
I mean, not at all.
She's been... she's been
completely normal with me.
What?
Nothing.
Bye, Allison.
Bye.
Patty, what the hell
are you doing?!
Honey, that wasn't the guy.
Man: Allison?
Allison? Yeah? Yeah?
Jenn's parents dropped
their claim on the diner.
They did? Yeah, yeah.
They were informed of an
impending personal injury suit
against the diner,
a slip and fall.
If we lost, they'd be on
the hook for the payout,
and they wanted no part of it.
How did that happen?
Was it...
The plaintiff's name was
"Kelvin McLoberts."
Yeah.
This all feels a little slimy,
but I guess technically,
I didn't do anything,
so, I mean, I can just
let this happen, right?
Sam, I don't want to leave.
After all the... Yeah.
But why? I'm just...
not ready to give up...
everything.
You were right.
I was stalling.
And I thought I could.
I thought I had time.
But now Tammy's found...
something,
and soon, she's just
gonna ruin all of it.
Ruin what?
Your great life here?
Yeah. What?!
I know! I know.
It's just that,
everything's been easier lately.
But Kevin... Yeah, it turns out,
if you make your problems
Kevin's problems,
he just fixes all of them.
Look, he has taken from me
for 15 years.
I'm just starting
to get something back.
I don't want you to leave,
either,
but you kinda have to, right?
I mean, Tammy... She is a problem.
But now I know how to take
care of my problems.
I introduce them to Kevin.
Hey.
Wanna hear a crazy story?
Allison, if Kevin decided
Tammy's a problem,
she won't be a cop
in three days.
Neil kept talking about
this crazy story he had.
It was really awful.
Patty: What?
Patty, uh, I have to go
find Neil.
Have you seen him lately?
Patty's getting worried.
Neil?