Kevin Can F**k Himself (2021–2022): Season 2, Episode 7 - The Problem - full transcript

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Think after several decades
you'd be just a little bit better at this.

No!

We're banned for life.

This whole thing is weird
and stupid.

You really don't need
to worry about that anymore.

You remember
my partner Bram?

He asked me to plant evidence
for him once.

And everybody knew.

This is Patti at a gas station
in Vermont.

I know she's wrapped up
in something bad.

Sam, I don't want to leave.



What?
Your great life here?

Yeah.
I mean, Tammy...

She is a problem.

But now I know how to take
care of my problems.

I introduce them
to Kevin.

♪ It came so easily,
I let it follow me right down ♪

♪ Crept in close
without a sound ♪

You tried
to kill Kevin.

Hey.

You wanna hear
a crazy story?

Hey, Kev,
I forgot to tell you... I, um...

I talked to Tammy about that
fire that caused the blackout.

And she agreed with me
and said it looked suspicious

and that she'd look into it.



Tammy said arsonists can do
some pretty serious prison time.

Don't you feel safer now
that she's on the case?

No.
No, not at all.

Uh...

uh...

Ah.

Babe, I've got a confession
to make.

And I think
you should sit down.

I'm lying down.

Right. Uh, guess
I should lie down, too.

Um...

I started that fire.

What?

What fire?

Not... Not the one
that caused the blackout.

Yeah. That fire.

I also started two other
pretty big ones,

but that's the main one
for this conversation.

Oh, this is not good.

Tammy's
a great detective.

Have you heard of the Butcher
of South Worcester?

No.
No one has.

Tammy caught him before he could
even start butchering.

Good Lord.

It's shocking that she's not
higher up on the force.

I bet she's hiding something
weird on her record.

She's good.

She's not gonna rest
until the arsonist...

well, you, I guess...
is behind bars.

Oh!
What are we gonna do?

I guess I'm gonna
have to take on Tammy.

Get her over here on my turf
and... work my magic.

Hey. It's late,
what are you doing?

Well, a plan as important
as this can't wait.

I got to jump into action,
get serious.

So you're going
to the bar.

Well, there's a reason
that "drinkin'" rhymes

with "thinkin'."

It's because
I'm good at both.

Don't worry, babe.

Kev-o's on this!

Sleep tight!

Okay.

Okay.

Whoa.

You doing yoga
or something?

What?

Oh, no, I'm just trying
clear my head.

Sorry.

Why are you sorry?

No, I'm not...
I'm not sorry.

I just... I don't know
what I'm saying.

I haven't slept in two days.

Because you're just
so excited to die?

No. 'Cause I feel like
I forgot something.

What'd you forget?

Well, if I knew,
I'd be able to sleep.

Like, I feel like
I dropped something

and I feel it next to me.

And I'm trying to figure out
what it is, and I'm...

I'm lying there wide awake
just convinced

if I don't pick it up, something
terrible's gonna happen.

You know...
what I mean?

That you...

dropped something?

See? I'm not making any sense.
I'm sorry.

No, I'm not sorry.
I'm not... I'm not sorry.

I...
Hey.

It's okay.

It's okay.

So, you can't sleep either?

I haven't slept since I watched
"The NeverEnding Story."

Ugh.

No, this is pretty much
every night for me.

God, that sucks.

I like
this time of night.

It's quiet.

Usually.

But, hey, maybe now
you can get some sleep.

You know
what you dropped.

I have been on the receiving end
of his bullshit for 15 years.

Why can't I just once
have it work for me?

Well, you can,
but have it work for you

so that Kevin gets you
a new vacuum or something.

A vacuum?
No.

Is that what you think a woman
should get out of her marriages?

No, that's not what I think a woman
should get out of her marriage.

No, that was stupid.

But I'm not sure you get
moral high ground here.

You know, you are about
to ruin another woman.

I'm not ruining Tammy.
Kevin is.

Yeah, because
you're pushing him to.

No. I'm just nudging
in a direction.

And after that...
who knows?

You know how it'll end.

Okay. Can't we j...

Focus on pulling
your weight here, okay?

Yeah.

I'm losing faith.

Is it possible that
this makes my apartment

even more depressing?
No.

This makes
your apartment depressing.

This is festive, okay?

I have a vision.

Allison...

if Kevin's decided
Tammy's a problem,

she won't be a cop
in three days.

Okay, well, maybe
she shouldn't be a cop.

She planted evidence
for her partner.

Maybe she's asking
for what's coming to her.

But she's
Patty's girlfriend.

Well,
maybe Patty deserves better.

Allison...
Sam!

This is how I stay.

Okay.

I just want to make sure
you're still you

on the other side of it.

I know what I'm doing.

Hmm.
Mm.

Okay, I know
I still got something.

Thanks, D.
Yeah.

Sleeping pills,
anti "anxiety" pills...

and...
good old pain killers.

But those will knock you
right out.

Yeah, well, I'll take anything
at this point, so...

Thank you.
Take 'em.

Insomnia is no joke.

Dr. Gaetz put me
on just about everything

when I wasn't sleeping
those couple of months.

And did... uh,
did any of them work?

Well, what worked was me
making Chuck

buy a mattress
that wasn't 45 years old.

You up all night
thinking about something?

Uh, vacation,
stuff like that?

Yeah.

Stuff like that.

Okay.

Well, I'm...
I'm here, you know.

As long as you need.

Thanks, D.

I don't deserve it.

Hey.

Sure you do.

You warned me
about Neil, huh?

Should've listened to you
the first time.

Eh, I spent
Chuck's block party savings

bailing him
out a couple of nights ago.

- You bailed him out?
- I, uh...

I thought he was supposed to be
stuck in there for the weekend.

He probably should be.

I... I took him home,
and he kept drinking.

Barely even looked at me.

Eventually
he just got fed up

and then he stormed out
of his own place.

I... I haven't heard
from him since.

Mm.
Yeah.

Allison, I'm... I'm trying
really hard not to care...

but... but I kind of think
he's losing it.

What do you mean?

He kept talking about
this crazy story he had.

I mean, it was... it was...
it was really awful.

I wouldn't even
wanna repeat it.

I know that all marriages
have problems.

Mm-hmm.

But what Neil said
you did to Kevin?

I... I'm...
I'm starting to think

that he should be
in a padded room in Danvers

and not in a jail cell.

Hang on!

Neil.

What? Neil. The thing I dropped.

The thing that's
about to blow up... it's Neil.

Shocker,
but my brilliant plan of

"hope he approaches this
rationally" isn't working. What do you mean?

Isn't he sweating out red wine
in the drunk tank?

Nope.
Wait...

Nope, nope, nope.
What?

He was bailed out days ago...
he hasn't been home yet?

No.
Did Kevin bail him out?

No, Diane did.

Diane.

Diane, like your aunt?

Yeah... they're...
they're...

they're seeing each other.

Seeing each other.

Like because he's at the
package store all the time?

Mm. No. Because they meet up
at Worcester View Suites

to have sex.

What?
Since when?

Well, I...
like a month or so.

And you knew this
but didn't tell me?

I thought it was over,
okay?

Anyway,
Diane bailed him out.

She doesn't know
where he is.

He's probably wandering
around the streets

of Worcester,
drunk...

Is he okay?

Oh. Hey, Tammy. Sorry,
I didn't know you were here.

Oh, nothing
to be sorry about.

Do you want me
to help find him?

No.

No.
Well, what you said before...

you know, he needs to learn
how to take care of himself.

Yeah, yes.

He's got to figure this one
out on his own.

I-I can't do this anymore.

Are you sure?

He's an adult.

Okay.
Well, uh, stay strong.

I'm gonna get out of here
and leave you two alone.

I'm heading out, actually.
I'll walk out with you.

Okay. Bye.Bye.

Milady.

Hey.

You think Neil's actually
gonna be alright?

Uh, I think he's capable of more
than people give him credit for.

Uh, your husband asked me

to come by your place
when he gets off work.

You have any idea
what that's about?

Kevin?
I never really know with him.

Sorry.

Hey, it's Ridge way.

Can you give me a heads-up
if anyone comes in

by the name of Neil O'Connor?

- What?
- Patty.

Uh, I have to
go find Neil.

Just call me back,
and I'll explain, okay?

I just saw you. Why... Why
didn't you pick up the phone?

You okay?

Neil?

Hey, Dad!
Congratulations!

I see that growth
on your arm disappeared!

What? I didn't have
a growth on my arm.

Sure you did,
her name was Lorraine.

Did you guys break up?

I mean...

did you guys break up?

No, we did not break up.

She just doesn't love
coming around here.

Oh. Great.

Ah, that must be Tammy.

Alright,
you want an arsonist?

I'll give you an arsonist.

Scram, old man!

"Entree-voo sivoo plate."

Welcome to my
Sherlock "home,"

Detective.

Can I offer you a water?

Sure, thanks.

Here's the thing...
I didn't expect you to say yes,

so I don't have
any water available.

Touché.

I have things to do.
What do you need, Kevin?

Here's the thing...
I've been thinking about

all this "arson" stuff
that Allison mentioned,

and I've decided to help
my Boys in Blue.

And Girls!
Girls can wear blue, too. You must have a point.

Not only do I have a point,
Detective, I have a culprit.

The real man
who started that fire...

my foreigner neighbor
who loves soccer!

That's a photo of your neighbor
taking out the trash.

Trust me,
he's a baaad banana.

I know the neighbor
you're talking about.

Bad banana, right?

He doesn't fit
the profile.

An arsonist is usually
low intelligence,

completely socially inadequate,
a real loser.

That's not true!

I mean, our neighbor
is not like that at all.

I agree.
Ah.

Don't worry, Kevin.
We'll find the guy.

We'll make it a priority.

I promise.

Alright, Tammy,
you wanna play hardball?

I can play hardball.

What's that, son?

Can you not interrupt me
when I'm acting like

I'm in a cool movie
scene for once?!

Ugh!

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh Oh, sh... Sh...

♪ Two cigarettes
in an ashtray ♪

♪ My love and I
in a small café ♪

♪ Then a stranger came along

♪ And everything went wrong

♪ Now there's three cigarettes
in the ashtray ♪

♪ In the ashtray

♪ I watched her take him

♪ From me

♪ And his love is no longer my own ♪

♪ Now they are gone

Can I help you?

♪ And I sit alone

Hello?
Hi.

You lose
your room key again?

Uh, no.
I don't have a room here.

Are you sure?

Yeah. Yes.

Huh. Okay.

Uh, it's $20 an hour,
$80 for the night.

Uh, no, uh,
I don't want a room.

I'm... I'm looking
for a friend.

Uh, Neil O'Connor?

He has shorter hair now.
He comes with Diane McAntee.

Kind of an odd couple.

I thought
they were kinda cute.

Okay, so
you... you know them.

Uh, is he here?

Hmm. Okay.

Okay, what?

Nothing.

Wh... What just...
What just happened to you?

Look, telling you if he's here
is against motel code.

"Motel code"?

Of conduct.

As a general rule,

I don't rat
out anyone's husbands.

Or wives. Oh, no, no, no, no.

He's not my husband.
Or boyfriend.

God, um, no.
I am... I'm worried about him.

Really w... Really worried.
So, can you, um...

can you please
just tell me if he's here?

I guess I'd have to worry, too,
if your "buddy" was here.

But, no, he's not.

I think they were in here
last week, but that's it.

Thank you.

I'm assuming
Neil's not here?

Uh, no.

You're...
Yup.

Same as you.
Of course.

That's, uh...
That's really nice of you.

You don't have to do that,
though. 'Cause I'm happy to.

I... I checked the Seas.
Rosetti's.

And I checked the hospital,
the drunk tank,

and the gazebo
behind the library

where he likes to
smoke weed.

Well, I guess
neither of us listen

when Patty said
she didn't want help.

Hm. Well, Patty doesn't always
know what's best for her.

Come on. You're not gonna say
that that's not fair to her

or I really don't know her?

Nope.

Allison,
I told you to back off.

You instigate, and you got
her into this shit.

And you're only thinking
about yourself.

Now, you might not be
on that video...

but I feel like you were
right there next to her.

What, you're not gonna
say anything?

I just don't think I can
say anything

right to you
at this point.

What?

Whoa.
You cleaned.

Yeah.
I had to do something.

I saw the light.
I thought it was him.

Is he still not...
No.

Patty,
we have to find him.

He's like a live grenade
running around town.

He told Diane everything.

He was wasted, so she didn't
believe him, but we got lucky.

Tammy's looking for him.

She is?
I told her not to.

Well, it's Tammy,
alright?

Jesus,
when will this ever stop?

Wait a minute.

What does
any of this matter?

Well, Tammy's a cop,
and we're... criminals.

If you want to look at it
in black and white.

No, what does this matter
if you're gone?

Neil can say
whatever he wants.

That's the point,
right?

And I can blame you
for everything.

You just have to go...

soon.

Um, I didn't want to say
anything until I thought

it was possible,

but I, um...

I want to stay.

You... You do? Why?

And I-I think I can, but I know
you're only helping me

so you can
get me out of here.

And I pulled you into this,
so if you...

if you still
want me to go...

No.

I don't.

What do we have to do?

Um, okay.

So, call Tammy, tell her
to stop looking for him

'cause I need to
him first.

Okay.
I can come with you.

No. Just stay here in case
he comes back.

Okay. But if you find him,
bring him back here.

We'll talk to him together.Okay.

And I will try to figure out,
um, other places

he might be, okay?

Maybe Kevin knows.

Alright.
Whoa.

Hey.

Allison... go home.

Get some rest.

You're not gonna find him
tonight.

We'll figure it out.

Promise?

Promise.

Good night.

Good night.

Hey, babe.

Which is better...
classic, or...

flip-ups?

Uh...

uh, both.
Ah!

I like the way
you're thinking lately.

Wicked smart.

Smart?
I'm out of it.

This morning I tried
to brush my teeth

with your
nose hair trimmer.

That is so gross!

I have to put that thing
up my nose!

You know, I think I'm gonna go
with the classic.

I've got to go down
to the Police Department today

and I wanna look appropriate.

The Police Department?

Oh, no, does...
does Tammy know

that you're the one
who set the fire?

Not yet.

I tried to throw her off
my scent, but she's very good.

To be fair, you have
a very pungent smell.

Strange notes of vanilla.

That's just cake.

But I made
some phone calls,

and turns out, shockingly,
that you were right.

Tammy is totally shady.

Apparently, she planted evidence
to help that partner of hers,

you know, the one
who died on the toilet.

By the way, I think that's
an incredibly manly way to go.

He was peeing sitting down. I take back
everything I said.

Anyway, I'm got to go to
the ol' police station to see

if I can use this info
against Tammy

before she tosses me
in jail.

Now, before you go trying
to talk me out of it...

That's smart.

Wow.

I want to encourage
more of this behavior.

Remind me to tell Neil
to do something nice for you.

From me.

That's...

almost thoughtful.

Speaking of Neil, uh,
have you seen him lately?

Uh, not since
I Usain Bolt'ed from the cops

and he abandoned me by running
too slow and getting arrested.

That is his own fault.

But he's been out
for a few days,

and Patty's
getting worried.

Well, he's probably
at Maloney's.

Did you guys boycott that place
when they said

you couldn't lean over the bar
and drink directly from the tap?

So rude!

My lips barely
touched the spigot. Touched the spigot, I know.

But that place does have Keno,
and you know how Neil loves

to get lost in the numbers
when he gets out of jail.

You should probably
go check there.

That is actually,
uh, very helpful.

So, thank you.
Ah.

Hey, Allison?

You're welcome.

Awww!
God, right in the eye.

Damn it, right in the eye.

♪ Since you came along,
everything's alright ♪

Neil.

Neil.

What the hell
are you doing?

Playing Keno.

You know what I mean.

Diane bailed you out.
You disappeared for days.

No one knew
where you were.

Oh, sure, like suddenly
you're concerned about me.

I'm concerned that you told
Diane what happened.

You cannot do that.

Okay.

Okay, how about
I take you home?

We get out of here,
and we can talk about it?

I don't want to talk to you.

But I need a ride.

A ride home?

No, somewhere else.

It's urgent.

And you're going
to take me there.

I... I mean, I could always hitch-hike.

Take a crowded bus.

See if anyone wants to hear
a really good story!

No... I'll take you.

I will take you, okay?

Okay.

Okay.

Oh.

You'll pay for these.

Thank you.

I know this whole thing
has taken a toll on you.

And it's taken a toll
on me, too.

You know, no one wanted
this to happen.

Stay left at the fork.

Yeah.

I know I haven't said this,
but I...

I am sorry.

For a lot of things.

And I feel like on some level,
maybe you are, too.

Maybe we've
both made mistakes,

and maybe
we can get past them.

I can if you can.

You look like shit.

I feel like shit.

Yeah.
Join the club.

Right here, right here,
pull into this lot.

Your urgent thing
is skating?

Wait here.

No, I'm not gonna
wait here, Neil...

I'm not gonna
say anything!

Just... wait here.

Allison? Hey. Hey.

I found him.

You did?
Is he okay?

No. No. He's a mess,
but he's gonna be fine.

Oh, God.

So, you talk
to Diane and Tammy,

but we have to keep
people away until...

until we can
figure this out.

Okay.
Uh, are you coming back here?

Uh, soon.

We had to make a detour.

But we'll be back.
So, talk to Diane.

Talk to Tammy.

And I got him.

Okay.
I'll see you soon.

Bye.

This is Tammy.
Leave a message.

Hey, uh,
I've been calling you.

A lot.
Um, I found Neil, he's fine.

So you just, um...

If you could please
just call me back.

Goddamn it!

What happened?

Those dicks banned me
a couple weeks ago

and they still won't
let me back in.

What? You got banned
from an ice rink?

I thought this was
the one of places you were,

like, well regarded.

It was a stupid accident,
it wasn't my fault.

And they still won't...
Ugh!

This means a lot to you?

Okay.

Come on.

Come on.

Hey.

Patty.

You know Allison doesn't
work here anymore, right?

Yeah.
I know.

Uh...

I came to talk to you,
actually.

We found Neil,
he's okay.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.
He's on his way home.

And I just wanted to say
thank you

for bailing him
out the other night.

But you should know, if you're
gonna, like, be around him,

this is what he does,
you know?

He goes on a bender
for a couple of days

and then comes back just in time
to eat whatever delicious meal

you just made
for yourself.

I'm not gonna be around,
so don't worry.

I'll leave him alone.

No, D...

that's not what I meant.
I just... If y...

If you're gonna hang out
with Neil, you got to...

Well, I worry about you,
not him.

I'm a big girl, Patty.

I can take care of myself.

Okay, well, you started
this thing with him,

so I guess
we could both say

that your judgment's
just a little bit off.

I'm sorry.

When I met Chuck,
it was...

It was like a choice,
you know?

I decided to love him.

But with Neil, it's...

Wait.
You love Neil?

I don't know.

Maybe I just don't want
to be alone.

And maybe there's
not always a difference.

Uh, you're good.

What?

How?

Kevin. He knows the guy
who drives the Zamboni.

Big Mike Galante.

Kev kept promising
to introduce me, but never did.

Yeah, well, I guess he pulls
some weight around here,

and "Mrs. McRoberts"
pulls some weight, too.

Uh, so I said you made a mistake
and that you were sorry.

And, um, there's a pair
of skates

at the front desk for you,
so...

...have fun.

Hey! Where you going?

My buddy Doug's.
He lives around here.

Well, I just spent
the last hour

pleading with a guy named
Big Mike, and you're leaving?

I don't care
about skating anymore.

So you're
just wasting my time?

No, it's for Patty.

I got us both banned,
and she likes coming here

on her birthday.

You're doing something
for Patty?

Someone should, right?

She's been
through enough.

Yeah, all the stuff
you put her through.

Me?

Since you started coming around,
I barely recognize her.

She's all...

different.

Worse.

No. She's not.

She never bottled me
in the back of the head

before
being friends with you.

Never almost
murdered someone.

Shut up, Neil!

You know I can make your life
a lot more difficult, right?

You don't need to. I don't need to?

You told Diane.
Yeah.

And I told my buddy Doug,
and two kids I met on the bus.

Jesus, I told Kevin
when I found out.

What?
He laughed.

He didn't listen to me
at all.

No one listens to me.

No one.

You can make my life
more difficult?

I'm not a problem
for you.

I've never been a problem
for you.

So, please...

just stay
the hell away from me.

And Patty.

Okay?

Hey, you.

I've been calling you.

How long you been here?

I let myself in.

I figured it was okay.

We're about to
live together.

Of course.
It's fine.

I just... I didn't know
you were here.

Except I don't...
I don't think we can.

Live together.

What...

We can't?

I really wanted
to ignore this.

I've done my best
to ignore a lot.

Um, and I thought if we moved
in together

and kept moving forward,
but that wasn't the problem.

Allison's
not the problem.

This is.

And I'm sorry.
I can't let it go.

Tammy, let what go?

I have no idea
what you're talking about.

You can take it.

I've seen enough already.

Okay?

That's you.

I don't...

At a gas station
in Vermont,

minutes before a trucker was
assaulted for his pain pills.

The same pills we found
on Nick Wyndorff

when he was shot
at Allison's house.

The thing is, that video
doesn't mean anything.

And I can't prove it's you.

You were smart. You used cash.
You kept your head down.

But I know it's you,

and that's got me asking
a lot of questions.

And that's a problem
for you.

I'm sorry.

But...

...I am not following
any of this.

Neither am I.

But I will.

I mean,
you can tell me now,

and we have a chance of
figuring this out together.

Or I can start
getting answers on my own.

I...

I don't know
what to tell you.

Okay.

Good luck, Patty.

Wake up, sleepyhead!

I'm not sleeping.

Uh, well, maybe you should
'cause you're looking...

lived in.

That's not a compliment.

Well, here.
Drink this.

It'll help you get
some shut-eye.

Oh.

Is this clearance beer
from Deftos?

Yeah.
"Worcester's Pride"!

Oxymoron.

Shame they had to put it on sale
because people in this town

wouldn't support
a local brewery.

They found two human fingers
in one can.

Allison, they already
found two fingers.

How many more could there
possibly be?

Eight.

Will you just celebrate
with me, please?

Okay. Okay.

Fine.
What are we celebrating?

Well, I took care of my little
Tammy's Gonna Arrest

Me For Arson problem.

You did?
Well, we did.

And all you have to do

is sign this completely
confidential affidavit

swearing that you saw
her plant evidence

after that guy
broke in here.

And, remember,
you're not telling a lie,

you're just writing
your name near one.

God, we make
such a great team!

Ah.

Welcome to
the winners' circle.

Whoo!

Oh.

Allison, she knows.

Tammy knows that I was
in Vermont,

she's about to know
everything else.

She was asking
a lot of questions.

She knows that we have
a connection to Nick

and it's all my fault.

I'm so sorry. I'm sorry.

I'll fix it.

So, when the dentist told me
he'd have to extract the molar,

I looked him square
in the eyes and said,

"You can't
handle the tooth!"

You've told that one before.

I don't get it.

"Tooth"
sounds like "truth."

Oh! Okay.
I still don't get it.

Well, you know
what I don't get?

The fact that you two
just celebrated

your one-month anniversary
by going to Costco

and you didn't bring me back

a single Kirkland
Signature item.

No vitamin water, no batteries,
not even a rotisserie chicken,

which you know
is a loss leader.

And to think I let you
live here.

Well, actually, we've been
discussing that and...

Hey, have you guys
seen Allison?

Yeah. I was just thinking
the same thing.

We got to get Allison
in here...

she always
laughs at my jokes.

Since when?

Wait, didn't Allison
say she was going on

one of those fancy walks?

A hike?

A hike!

That was yesterday.

Hang on!

Ah. Hey, boys.
What's up?

Kev, um...

have you seen your wife
in the last 24 hours?

Um...

No.
No.

Well, Kevin,
this is Allison's.

It was found on
a hiking trail.

We think there's been
an accident.

Where is she?

I don't know.

Not exactly.

But she left something
for you.

If you end up
wanting the place,

it's first, last,
and security deposit.

Pretty standard.

This area has some of the best
ice fishing in all of Maine.

Last week my husband caught four
lake trout on his first drop.

Mm.

Do you fish,
Ms. Fron... ch... Fronch?

Um, no, I...

Gertrude's fine.

Well, season's over anyway,
I guess.

So, what do you plan to do
in Danforth?

Sleep.

Allison.

Allison tried
to kill you.

I'm trying to fix this.

I don't want to know
what you're doing.

This is your best bet
for a new identity.

Are you an actual idiot?

What?