Kenan (2021–…): Season 2, Episode 4 - Ghosts of Boyfriends Past - full transcript
Fam, what's up
with your boy Phil?
- [laughter]
- I mean, wow.
He got rugged up, huh?
Yeah, look like he asked
for the Brad Pitt-iful.
We're on in five.
Yeah, looking like
the white Jesus, am I right?
Amen.
- [laughing]
- Welcome back.
Sad news
as we report a freak tornado
has ripped through bibb county,
leaving several homes
destroyed...
[clears throat]
16 hospitalized,
and one on wig support...
Life support.
So thoughts and hairs...
Thoughts and prayers.
And as always, thank you
for waking up with kenan.
- And clear.
- Both: Oh, man.
Whew.
What happened out there?
Uh, maybe that thing on your
head is what happened.
Man, that segment
was the worst
since the time you wet-farted
all the way through
the Derek Chauvin sentence.
The body expresses itself in
a plethora of ways, okay, Gary?
Well, I'm going
to get out of here
before Mika
starts yelling at me.
Oh, don't go... Mika yelling at
you is the highlight of my day,
which is weird
'cause you're my favorite.
- Thanks, man.
- Don't worry.
I'll pray for you, kenan.
- I appreciate it.
- Oh, here she comes.
Kenan.
That was rough.
But we'll get them tomorrow.
Pam, Tammy, that was fire.
And, Phil, go ahead
with your Brad self.
I don't say this enough,
but I love you guys,
even you garebear.
[giggles]
- What the hell?
- Garebear?
Okay, did she get saved?
'Cause she's got
those saved eyes.
No, no, no.
- Saved people are haters.
- No.
Somebody giving her
the Mac and cheese.
You know, she swimming
in that splish-splash.
Sex.
She's having sex.
Damn, y'all.
- Oh.
- I knew that. I knew that.
You didn't, I said Mac
and cheese, and you were like...
Yeah, and I got hungry.
[Funky upbeat music]
[♪]
You know what? Maybe
I've been too hard on you.
I'm going to give you
two minutes
for your flat earth stuff.
Really? Yes. Thank you.
I knew you were one of us.
Damn, Mika flat earth?
Somebody
wearing Booty-colored glasses.
Gary, have some class man.
Actually, Mika, we're all
very proud of you for having
all the hot butt-naked sex
that you're having.
Oh, my God.
Is it that obvious
that I'm seeing someone?
Uh, yeah. So what's the hot
butt-naked man's name?
- Nick.
- [giggles]
He's sweet and tall
and, yes, sexy.
Sounds like the opening
to a romance novel
I used to read
on my washing machine... go on.
Okay, so he went
to Georgetown,
and he owns a seafood
restaurant in buckhead.
A single college graduate
who is a successful
seafood entrepreneur.
- Yeah.
- Sounds fishy, pun intended.
Yeah, restaurants are usually
a front for illegalities,
like my uncle Valentine's
pizza shop.
He did sell pizza, but one
of the toppings was weed.
Okay, see, this is exactly
why I don't want to tell you all,
because I didn't need
any of the judgments.
- We're not judging.
- We're just looking out.
- Yeah.
- You're in the honeymoon phase.
You might not be
seeing things clearly.
Let us meet him and decide
if he's Mika worthy.
Hmm.
All right, you may be right.
Maybe?
Come on, you can't have
a sixth failed engagement.
You have lost more rings
in the last minute than LeBron.
The man saved his family
from the goon squad.
What more did you people want?
To know what
the goon squad is.
[Hip-hop music]
Mika, you ain't say
your man own Pesco's.
This is the hottest spot
in buckhead.
Yeah, it takes six months
to get into here.
It only takes two nights
to get in Pam.
Yeah, all right, he's got
the hottest restaurant in town,
but I'm still
not sold on this dude.
Yeah, Mika, kenan and I
agreed that we were going to be
honest with you no matter what.
- Okay.
- Mika.
- He could get it.
- He could definitely get it.
- Hi. - Hi.
- Chill, Tammy.
Welcome to Pesco's.
You guys must be Mika's
work friends and Gary.
"And Gary"... didn't realize
we were so close.
Guys, this is Nick.
Oh, I know
exactly who you are...
Mr. Nick Johnson.
Yeah, did a little research.
So I know about the bankruptcy,
the divorce,
and the wife and kids
in Gilbert, Arizona.
- [Chuckles]
- it's Johnston with a T,
and those kids are Korean.
Are they?
Oh, that's my bad... I thought
they were just light-skinned.
Well, we've got all night
to get to know
each other real well.
Thank you for coming.
Everything's on me.
Uh, does that include drinks?
Is my mom
a jehovah's witness?
Yes, she is.
[Excited chatter]
- Shall we?
- We shall, I'm thirsty.
So, Nick Johnston,
what are your intentions
with our girl here?
- Yeah.
- Well,
in short, to try
every single day
to be the man she deserves,
which is impossible.
Well, in short, to try
she deserves perfection.
My water just broke.
Man, that was some
"love Jones" -type ish
- right there.
- Oh, you're sweet.
You're like a
human Teddy bear.
- That was my line name.
- I'm a sigma.
Wow, me too.
- Quinn, Quinn?
- Show them to eight, please.
I reserved our best table
for us.
So go ahead start ordering,
and I'll be with you guys
in a few minutes.
Okay.
All right.
[♪]
Okay, what do you think?
- He is literally perfect.
- I know.
You think he'd go
to a hawks game with me?
- Kenan.
- We got to work up to that?
- Yeah.
- All right.
Yo, this place is nice.
Looks like a spot
a Instagram model
would wear a waist trainer to.
- Oh, is that the three amigos?
- No, and it's just migos.
- Not if they're friends.
- That's fair.
- Sweet mother of Pam.
- What you pamming about?
Oh, Pam!
What can I get you?
Her to wait on us.
Yeah, keep moving, boss,
we don't need
all this youth-pastor energy
you got going on,
looking like kirk Franklin.
Be blessed.
Yeah, but be gone.
- Hey, hey.
- Hey.
- What up, though?
- Both: What's up?
- [Chuckles]
- ha.
Mmm! Mmm!
Man, these lemon-pepper
jalapeño poppers slap!
I really hope that people never
stopped lemon-peppering things.
I love this guy.
Congrats, Mika.
[Giggles] I'm going to make
the best matron of honor...
Bridesmaid,
invited guest, plus-one.
Okay, look, this isn't
about you, Tammy.
This is about Nick.
- I got to break up with him.
- [spits]
what?
- What?
- Mika, what's the problem?
Nick is amazing.
I mean, I'm starting
to have feelings for him...
Bromance not romance,
but still a lot of feelings.
Look, he said he was going
to be with us the whole night,
and then he just upped
and bounce,
just floating around
the restaurant from table to table
for the last half hour
like some kind of...
responsible
small-business owner?
Yeah. No, look,
I need my man
to do what he says
he's going to do.
This is a serious red flag.
Oh, so now a black man
can't get his hustle on?
I swear, you women...
- Y'all are both very lovely...
- Uh-huh.
And great at spotting
red flags.
Yeah.
Mika, I do think
you might be overreacting,
and that's coming from someone
who made her husband
get a vasectomy
because our last child
was born with red hair.
Oh.
Listen to the monster
that is Tammy, all right?
Just talk to Nick
before you do anything rash.
Okay, fine.
That a girl.
Oh, and see
if he'll send over
a round of those lemon-pepper
Turkey tenders, please.
Here we are.
We've got an ipa for the cutie
and a sex on the beach
in a more masculine glass
for my manly man.
I usually prefer
to drink hennessy,
but my allergies are acting up.
[sniffs]
I can already tell this
is going to be
the best drink of my life.
[laughs]
- Are you seeing this?
- She is seriously flirting.
Uh, right? So why don't you
go ahead on and get
so I can, uh, bag her number.
Why don't you get ahead
and get?
She's been flirting with me
all night, not you.
Are you insane?
[Scoffs]
watch this.
Hey, gorgeous, can I get
another orange slice
for my drink
and your ig page perhaps?
Of course, handsome.
It's chellybelly321uno,
all one word.
Ooh, classy and bilingual.
- [Chuckles]
- I don't need orange slices
'cause I'm not
in the youth soccer league,
but I might get up
on that ig, too.
Well, only if I get
to follow you back, boo.
Okay, it is @pamsports_
underscore_69_underscore_69_...
You know what?
There's more 69s,
so I'll just put it in myself
for you.
Why you being
so damn thirsty, Pam?
You going to follow me
back, too, though.
Oh, you're
my man crush Monday.
Hell, yeah.
- You know what?
- You two are really cute.
Next round's on me.
[laughter]
- Dibs! Jinx!
- Dibs! Jinx!
- Damn it!
- Damn it!
Oh, I'm in a tough spot
right now.
I love Mika,
but I also love drama.
- You know what?
- They'll be fine.
She just needs zaddy
to show her some more love.
- Yeah.
- Face it, bro, Shelly's got
a case of the Pam.
It's a Pam-demic.
No, no, no,
she has Gary-rrhea.
I don't know do that
as well as you do that.
Ooh, hold on to your shrimps.
Looks like there's trouble
in paradise.
- Come on, y'all.
- That's just black love.
They are just talking it out.
See, right now she's saying,
"when we get home later,
my king,
I'm going to massage you here,
here, and here."
- Man, that isn't black love.
- That's black "love & hip hop."
He should have gave her
that record deal.
- See?
- All: Oh.
- Wow.
- No.
Hey, you think she got
those lemon-pepper
Turkey tenders in there?
I don't think so.
Wait, you guys,
but Nick's still paying
for all this, right?
Oh, hey, while you're here,
can we get, like, I don't know,
five lobster entrées,
a couple of tiramisus, two
of those Pesco's sweatshirts?
A bottle of lemon-pepper
sauce just to keep in the car.
A bottle lemon-pepper sauce.
Oh, can I get a lobster
out the tank-don't kill it.
I want to have it as a pet
for my nieces or myself.
A hat to cover
my child's red head.
But all of it to-go.
- Thank you.
- Please. Thank you.
- Thank you.
- Oh, you're so sweet.
- These NASA photos are faked.
- This is the real thing.
Phil, walk away.
Don't blame me
when you fall off.
I'll never get used to it.
Hey, champ, you want
to talk about last night?
Uh, what about it?
Well, some people are saying,
not myself,
but maybe you broke up
with Nick for doing his job.
Look, he said he was going
to be there for us,
and then he bailed... it's like
Keith all over again.
- It's nothing like Keith.
- Who's Keith?
My first fiancé.
So it's just better to end
things with Nick
- before someone gets hurt.
- Wait, wait, wait.
I thought you broke up
with all your fiancés.
Not the first one.
Look, kenan,
I'm really busy, okay?
I approved a lot
of crappy stories
when we were making
Mac and cheese.
No, no, come on, come on,
talk to me, now.
All right, look,
it was a long time ago.
Keith and I fell in love
freshman year at college.
I pledged jka... skee-wee.
He was a kappa.
Boo. Sorry, sigma.
You know!
Continue.
Anyway, a week
before the wedding,
he broke things off
and didn't tell me why,
no explanation.
Didn't even bother to ask me
for the ring back.
Well, that's messed up.
Yeah, and I swore
I would never let myself
get hurt like that again.
So now when I see
the warning signs, I'm out.
Yeah, but what
if you're wrong?
Either way, I save myself
a lot of heartbreak.
Now, I really got to find
a replacement for this
"karens have feelings, too"
segment.
Oh, good lord, you was drunk
on that splish-splash.
I know.
I'll see you later.
- Bam!
- All in your face.
That's Rachelle on Instagram
holding hands with a man...
A black man.
Clearly she was into me.
No, look, Rachelle
with her arm around a woman,
a white woman or Greek.
I can't tell.
I mean, Greek is white,
but not at certain times
in our history.
Damn it, Pam, they was
always white to me.
What we going to do, man?
We can't walk up to here
and ask her what she's into.
Not in these times.
We need someone
who is not afraid to ask
offensive questions.
Right, somebody from
a different generation
who's not afraid
to get canceled
'cause we already
gave up on them.
Mm-hmm, just a sad person
who just will ask anything.
Let me put this in terms a
younger person can understand.
What's your most used emoji...
Uh, eggplant or vagina emoji?
How long does it take
to say Pam?
- I think I got your answer.
- She's attracted to Pam.
- Yes!
- What?
- And Gary.
- Yes!
Phil, can you clarify
what you think the word
"answer" means?
Apparently she's something
called "omnisexual."
- Ah, of course.
- What the hell does that mean?
I assume it means she only
has sex in Omni hotels.
So you two better
start saving up.
- Not quite.
- She's just progressive.
It means she's open
to finding love from anyone.
Sure.
Well,
let the best anyone win.
- Game on!
- Whoa!
You two are getting
into some dangerous territory.
Let me give you
some hard-earned advice
from my days in Phil Collin...
My Phil Collins tribute band
with my friend Collin.
- Wait, wait, wait.
- You have a friend?
- I did.
- But then Trisha got between us.
Sure, I lost my virginity,
but I also lost my best friend,
and they both
were very painful.
- Oh.
- Ew.
Trust me on this.
- [Exhales deeply]
- [mumbles]
You know, he is right, Gary.
Besides, the woman I was
with two nights ago told me
I had to stop having
meaningless flings.
I mean, I cannot remember
her name,
but she was very wise.
So how about
we just let this one go?
All right, forget it.
- All right.
- Yeah, man.
I don't even remember
what it was about.
I'm glad we cleared
that up, okay.
Yeah, we did.
[Mumbling to self]
Mika. You got time
to go car shopping with me?
You know how bad I am
at negotiating.
Birdie's allowance
is, like, a stack a week.
Look, kenan, I'm really busy.
I'm still undoing all my
Mac-and-cheese decisions.
And by the way,
I couldn't unbook Chet Hanks,
so you may have to
make jerk chicken with him.
Chet Hanks.
Oh... well, now you definitely
owe me one.
- [Sighs]
- fine.
Okay, so, when I'm haggling,
if it looks like
I'm going to cry, I'm not.
If it looks like I'm going to
throw up, I'm not.
If it looks like he's going to
cry and throw up, we winning.
That's great advice.
Let's go get 'em.
- Wait a minute.
- Keith Allen's luxury autos?
Kenan, what are you doing?
All right, I just happen
to be shopping
for a fancy-ass car
from the guy
that broke your heart
in a million little pieces.
But, Mika, you never got over
your first fiancé,
and now you are sabotaging all
your future chances at love.
Now, come on in here
and talk to this man.
You know what's funny, is
that I remember telling you
to stay out of it, so, no,
we ain't going nowhere.
Well, what kind of friend
would I be
if I just listened
to you all the time?
Uh, you'd be a smart friend.
All right, come up
off my unlock button.
You going to listen to me,
kenan... we staying here.
Hi. Welcome. Come to
test-drive a new vehicle today?
No. No, no.
Thank you, no. De nada.
Mika, talk to him.
Get some closure.
It'll help you move on.
Okay, fine.
Keith Allen!
- Mika Caldwell!
- Wow!
- Come on.
- What a coincidence, huh?
[Chuckles]
you know, my friend here
wants to buy
the most expensive car you got.
- Oh.
- Uh, that is correct.
I enjoy expensive things.
I'm actually the owner of issue
number 30 of "x men"...
Mint!
Oh, oh, this guy's got taste.
- So here it is...
- The most expensive car we have.
Great.
Uh, quick question...
You got any, uh, deals going on
or, like, any rebates
with this baby?
[laughing]
- I'm joking.
- This guy.
I'll just show myself
the car while y'all catch up.
Let's see.
Maybe give it a little smack,
talk to it.
Uh, lamborghini up.
Uh, just push the button
right there.
Oh, my bad.
This must be one
of the older ones.
No, it's a 2023.
Yes, it is.
This is so blowing my mind
right now.
How long has it been since...
11 years ago,
this Valentine's day.
Yeah, I remember because
we were supposed to get married
on Valentine's day, so...
Hey, man, how much horsepower
is in these wipers?
- You know what?
- I'll look it up online.
Carry on.
Well, let me say,
I'm really sorry.
Oh, I don't want
your apologies, Keith.
I just want to know
why you ghosted me.
Like, what was
so wrong with me?
Nothing.
I just think
we really weren't vibing.
- [Horn honks]
- oh, oh.
Sorry.
Horn works, though.
So you walked away
from a four-year relationship
six days before our wedding
because we weren't vibing?
Mika, the truth is...
I smoked a lot of weed
back then.
I mean, if I knew
what stupid thought I had
when I was 24, I'd tell you.
But I just don't remember.
Seriously?
- [Horn honks, alarm blares]
- oh! Uh, I'm sorry.
Mika, Keith, can y'all help me
out here?
- I don't know what I did.
- Wow.
Yo, we got a stucky!
Sorry,
I'm the stucky, I guess.
What the hell?
I thought we agreed that
we were not going to let a girl
get in between us
like Phil's band.
What are you doing here?
She dm'd me.
Look, here's the thing, Pam...
She fine as hell... that's it.
Same reason you here, I bet.
- She is very attractive.
- Yeah.
But this doesn't make
any sense.
She just dm'd me
to come over here.
She dm'd you the same time
she dm'd me?
You think it means
what I think it means?
- A threesome?
- We cannot be that kind of band.
We are not the Jonas brothers.
Or, hot take, are we?
[Sighs] hmm.
- All right.
- Yeah.
- But I've got terms.
- Okay.
- No eye contact.
- I hate eyes.
- Leave your socks on.
- Always.
And don't tell Phil.
I turned him and his partner
down after the Christmas party.
Wait, they asked me second?
[Scoffs] Damn.
- Should I do push-ups?
- No.
- Okay.
- We don't got time for that.
Gary and Pam.
I'm so glad you
both could make it.
Come in.
Get in there.
You're just in time
for the customer testimonials.
- Girl...
- What?
Ah, smoothielyfe?
This is a damn pyramid scheme.
I should have known.
Nobody has
daytime threesomes anymore.
Hey, guys, you're seeking
financial freedom, too?
[Dramatic music]
[♪]
I got nothing.
No closure?
Not only did I not get any
closure.
I feel ten times worse.
I got "unclosure."
Wouldn't that just be opened?
All right, well, what reason
would make you feel better?
I don't know. Anything.
Okay, so what if he said,
"I cheated on you"?
- Would that be better?
- No.
What if he said
his mama couldn't stand you?
- Oh, no, definitely not.
- No, his mama loved me.
We're still Facebook friends,
she be like, like, like, like.
- [laughs] that's weird.
- Yeah.
All right, what if he said,
"I'm an addict?"
- Mm.
- Or, "I'm gay"?
- Hmm.
- Or, "it's not you it's me"?
- Ugh.
- "the devil made me do it"?
Come on, Mika,
these are good reasons.
You know what?
I don't think there's anything
he could've said
that would've made me feel
any better.
- So what?
- You never get closure?
Maybe I don't get closure
from him.
I mean, I guess I just have
to make the choice to move on
and... Be happy.
And I really want to be happy.
Sounds like someone
just found some closure.
So I guess my plan
worked after all.
Okay. You're playing
accidentally worked.
Thanks, kenan.
I'm going to call Nick
and apologize.
Oh, tell him I got
those hawks tickets.
Yep.
The view is obstructed,
but they're still good seats.
Ready for that test-drive?
Oh, uh, actually, no.
I don't need a car after all.
Oh, but this isn't a car,
Mr. Williams.
This is a lifestyle.
Uh, yeah, okay.
Man, that girl crazy as hell,
but she about to make me
the smoothie king, though.
Whoa, this is
what a threesome with Phil
and his partner
would taste like.
Man, what is all this crap?
I cannot believe y'all
are out here
buying stuff you don't need.
[Car alarm chirps]
[clears throat]
Did you just buy a car?
- Oh, I didn't buy a car.
- I leased a lifestyle.
Does that lifestyle come with
selling smoothies, brother?
'Cause that lifestyle
seems expensive.
with your boy Phil?
- [laughter]
- I mean, wow.
He got rugged up, huh?
Yeah, look like he asked
for the Brad Pitt-iful.
We're on in five.
Yeah, looking like
the white Jesus, am I right?
Amen.
- [laughing]
- Welcome back.
Sad news
as we report a freak tornado
has ripped through bibb county,
leaving several homes
destroyed...
[clears throat]
16 hospitalized,
and one on wig support...
Life support.
So thoughts and hairs...
Thoughts and prayers.
And as always, thank you
for waking up with kenan.
- And clear.
- Both: Oh, man.
Whew.
What happened out there?
Uh, maybe that thing on your
head is what happened.
Man, that segment
was the worst
since the time you wet-farted
all the way through
the Derek Chauvin sentence.
The body expresses itself in
a plethora of ways, okay, Gary?
Well, I'm going
to get out of here
before Mika
starts yelling at me.
Oh, don't go... Mika yelling at
you is the highlight of my day,
which is weird
'cause you're my favorite.
- Thanks, man.
- Don't worry.
I'll pray for you, kenan.
- I appreciate it.
- Oh, here she comes.
Kenan.
That was rough.
But we'll get them tomorrow.
Pam, Tammy, that was fire.
And, Phil, go ahead
with your Brad self.
I don't say this enough,
but I love you guys,
even you garebear.
[giggles]
- What the hell?
- Garebear?
Okay, did she get saved?
'Cause she's got
those saved eyes.
No, no, no.
- Saved people are haters.
- No.
Somebody giving her
the Mac and cheese.
You know, she swimming
in that splish-splash.
Sex.
She's having sex.
Damn, y'all.
- Oh.
- I knew that. I knew that.
You didn't, I said Mac
and cheese, and you were like...
Yeah, and I got hungry.
[Funky upbeat music]
[♪]
You know what? Maybe
I've been too hard on you.
I'm going to give you
two minutes
for your flat earth stuff.
Really? Yes. Thank you.
I knew you were one of us.
Damn, Mika flat earth?
Somebody
wearing Booty-colored glasses.
Gary, have some class man.
Actually, Mika, we're all
very proud of you for having
all the hot butt-naked sex
that you're having.
Oh, my God.
Is it that obvious
that I'm seeing someone?
Uh, yeah. So what's the hot
butt-naked man's name?
- Nick.
- [giggles]
He's sweet and tall
and, yes, sexy.
Sounds like the opening
to a romance novel
I used to read
on my washing machine... go on.
Okay, so he went
to Georgetown,
and he owns a seafood
restaurant in buckhead.
A single college graduate
who is a successful
seafood entrepreneur.
- Yeah.
- Sounds fishy, pun intended.
Yeah, restaurants are usually
a front for illegalities,
like my uncle Valentine's
pizza shop.
He did sell pizza, but one
of the toppings was weed.
Okay, see, this is exactly
why I don't want to tell you all,
because I didn't need
any of the judgments.
- We're not judging.
- We're just looking out.
- Yeah.
- You're in the honeymoon phase.
You might not be
seeing things clearly.
Let us meet him and decide
if he's Mika worthy.
Hmm.
All right, you may be right.
Maybe?
Come on, you can't have
a sixth failed engagement.
You have lost more rings
in the last minute than LeBron.
The man saved his family
from the goon squad.
What more did you people want?
To know what
the goon squad is.
[Hip-hop music]
Mika, you ain't say
your man own Pesco's.
This is the hottest spot
in buckhead.
Yeah, it takes six months
to get into here.
It only takes two nights
to get in Pam.
Yeah, all right, he's got
the hottest restaurant in town,
but I'm still
not sold on this dude.
Yeah, Mika, kenan and I
agreed that we were going to be
honest with you no matter what.
- Okay.
- Mika.
- He could get it.
- He could definitely get it.
- Hi. - Hi.
- Chill, Tammy.
Welcome to Pesco's.
You guys must be Mika's
work friends and Gary.
"And Gary"... didn't realize
we were so close.
Guys, this is Nick.
Oh, I know
exactly who you are...
Mr. Nick Johnson.
Yeah, did a little research.
So I know about the bankruptcy,
the divorce,
and the wife and kids
in Gilbert, Arizona.
- [Chuckles]
- it's Johnston with a T,
and those kids are Korean.
Are they?
Oh, that's my bad... I thought
they were just light-skinned.
Well, we've got all night
to get to know
each other real well.
Thank you for coming.
Everything's on me.
Uh, does that include drinks?
Is my mom
a jehovah's witness?
Yes, she is.
[Excited chatter]
- Shall we?
- We shall, I'm thirsty.
So, Nick Johnston,
what are your intentions
with our girl here?
- Yeah.
- Well,
in short, to try
every single day
to be the man she deserves,
which is impossible.
Well, in short, to try
she deserves perfection.
My water just broke.
Man, that was some
"love Jones" -type ish
- right there.
- Oh, you're sweet.
You're like a
human Teddy bear.
- That was my line name.
- I'm a sigma.
Wow, me too.
- Quinn, Quinn?
- Show them to eight, please.
I reserved our best table
for us.
So go ahead start ordering,
and I'll be with you guys
in a few minutes.
Okay.
All right.
[♪]
Okay, what do you think?
- He is literally perfect.
- I know.
You think he'd go
to a hawks game with me?
- Kenan.
- We got to work up to that?
- Yeah.
- All right.
Yo, this place is nice.
Looks like a spot
a Instagram model
would wear a waist trainer to.
- Oh, is that the three amigos?
- No, and it's just migos.
- Not if they're friends.
- That's fair.
- Sweet mother of Pam.
- What you pamming about?
Oh, Pam!
What can I get you?
Her to wait on us.
Yeah, keep moving, boss,
we don't need
all this youth-pastor energy
you got going on,
looking like kirk Franklin.
Be blessed.
Yeah, but be gone.
- Hey, hey.
- Hey.
- What up, though?
- Both: What's up?
- [Chuckles]
- ha.
Mmm! Mmm!
Man, these lemon-pepper
jalapeño poppers slap!
I really hope that people never
stopped lemon-peppering things.
I love this guy.
Congrats, Mika.
[Giggles] I'm going to make
the best matron of honor...
Bridesmaid,
invited guest, plus-one.
Okay, look, this isn't
about you, Tammy.
This is about Nick.
- I got to break up with him.
- [spits]
what?
- What?
- Mika, what's the problem?
Nick is amazing.
I mean, I'm starting
to have feelings for him...
Bromance not romance,
but still a lot of feelings.
Look, he said he was going
to be with us the whole night,
and then he just upped
and bounce,
just floating around
the restaurant from table to table
for the last half hour
like some kind of...
responsible
small-business owner?
Yeah. No, look,
I need my man
to do what he says
he's going to do.
This is a serious red flag.
Oh, so now a black man
can't get his hustle on?
I swear, you women...
- Y'all are both very lovely...
- Uh-huh.
And great at spotting
red flags.
Yeah.
Mika, I do think
you might be overreacting,
and that's coming from someone
who made her husband
get a vasectomy
because our last child
was born with red hair.
Oh.
Listen to the monster
that is Tammy, all right?
Just talk to Nick
before you do anything rash.
Okay, fine.
That a girl.
Oh, and see
if he'll send over
a round of those lemon-pepper
Turkey tenders, please.
Here we are.
We've got an ipa for the cutie
and a sex on the beach
in a more masculine glass
for my manly man.
I usually prefer
to drink hennessy,
but my allergies are acting up.
[sniffs]
I can already tell this
is going to be
the best drink of my life.
[laughs]
- Are you seeing this?
- She is seriously flirting.
Uh, right? So why don't you
go ahead on and get
so I can, uh, bag her number.
Why don't you get ahead
and get?
She's been flirting with me
all night, not you.
Are you insane?
[Scoffs]
watch this.
Hey, gorgeous, can I get
another orange slice
for my drink
and your ig page perhaps?
Of course, handsome.
It's chellybelly321uno,
all one word.
Ooh, classy and bilingual.
- [Chuckles]
- I don't need orange slices
'cause I'm not
in the youth soccer league,
but I might get up
on that ig, too.
Well, only if I get
to follow you back, boo.
Okay, it is @pamsports_
underscore_69_underscore_69_...
You know what?
There's more 69s,
so I'll just put it in myself
for you.
Why you being
so damn thirsty, Pam?
You going to follow me
back, too, though.
Oh, you're
my man crush Monday.
Hell, yeah.
- You know what?
- You two are really cute.
Next round's on me.
[laughter]
- Dibs! Jinx!
- Dibs! Jinx!
- Damn it!
- Damn it!
Oh, I'm in a tough spot
right now.
I love Mika,
but I also love drama.
- You know what?
- They'll be fine.
She just needs zaddy
to show her some more love.
- Yeah.
- Face it, bro, Shelly's got
a case of the Pam.
It's a Pam-demic.
No, no, no,
she has Gary-rrhea.
I don't know do that
as well as you do that.
Ooh, hold on to your shrimps.
Looks like there's trouble
in paradise.
- Come on, y'all.
- That's just black love.
They are just talking it out.
See, right now she's saying,
"when we get home later,
my king,
I'm going to massage you here,
here, and here."
- Man, that isn't black love.
- That's black "love & hip hop."
He should have gave her
that record deal.
- See?
- All: Oh.
- Wow.
- No.
Hey, you think she got
those lemon-pepper
Turkey tenders in there?
I don't think so.
Wait, you guys,
but Nick's still paying
for all this, right?
Oh, hey, while you're here,
can we get, like, I don't know,
five lobster entrées,
a couple of tiramisus, two
of those Pesco's sweatshirts?
A bottle of lemon-pepper
sauce just to keep in the car.
A bottle lemon-pepper sauce.
Oh, can I get a lobster
out the tank-don't kill it.
I want to have it as a pet
for my nieces or myself.
A hat to cover
my child's red head.
But all of it to-go.
- Thank you.
- Please. Thank you.
- Thank you.
- Oh, you're so sweet.
- These NASA photos are faked.
- This is the real thing.
Phil, walk away.
Don't blame me
when you fall off.
I'll never get used to it.
Hey, champ, you want
to talk about last night?
Uh, what about it?
Well, some people are saying,
not myself,
but maybe you broke up
with Nick for doing his job.
Look, he said he was going
to be there for us,
and then he bailed... it's like
Keith all over again.
- It's nothing like Keith.
- Who's Keith?
My first fiancé.
So it's just better to end
things with Nick
- before someone gets hurt.
- Wait, wait, wait.
I thought you broke up
with all your fiancés.
Not the first one.
Look, kenan,
I'm really busy, okay?
I approved a lot
of crappy stories
when we were making
Mac and cheese.
No, no, come on, come on,
talk to me, now.
All right, look,
it was a long time ago.
Keith and I fell in love
freshman year at college.
I pledged jka... skee-wee.
He was a kappa.
Boo. Sorry, sigma.
You know!
Continue.
Anyway, a week
before the wedding,
he broke things off
and didn't tell me why,
no explanation.
Didn't even bother to ask me
for the ring back.
Well, that's messed up.
Yeah, and I swore
I would never let myself
get hurt like that again.
So now when I see
the warning signs, I'm out.
Yeah, but what
if you're wrong?
Either way, I save myself
a lot of heartbreak.
Now, I really got to find
a replacement for this
"karens have feelings, too"
segment.
Oh, good lord, you was drunk
on that splish-splash.
I know.
I'll see you later.
- Bam!
- All in your face.
That's Rachelle on Instagram
holding hands with a man...
A black man.
Clearly she was into me.
No, look, Rachelle
with her arm around a woman,
a white woman or Greek.
I can't tell.
I mean, Greek is white,
but not at certain times
in our history.
Damn it, Pam, they was
always white to me.
What we going to do, man?
We can't walk up to here
and ask her what she's into.
Not in these times.
We need someone
who is not afraid to ask
offensive questions.
Right, somebody from
a different generation
who's not afraid
to get canceled
'cause we already
gave up on them.
Mm-hmm, just a sad person
who just will ask anything.
Let me put this in terms a
younger person can understand.
What's your most used emoji...
Uh, eggplant or vagina emoji?
How long does it take
to say Pam?
- I think I got your answer.
- She's attracted to Pam.
- Yes!
- What?
- And Gary.
- Yes!
Phil, can you clarify
what you think the word
"answer" means?
Apparently she's something
called "omnisexual."
- Ah, of course.
- What the hell does that mean?
I assume it means she only
has sex in Omni hotels.
So you two better
start saving up.
- Not quite.
- She's just progressive.
It means she's open
to finding love from anyone.
Sure.
Well,
let the best anyone win.
- Game on!
- Whoa!
You two are getting
into some dangerous territory.
Let me give you
some hard-earned advice
from my days in Phil Collin...
My Phil Collins tribute band
with my friend Collin.
- Wait, wait, wait.
- You have a friend?
- I did.
- But then Trisha got between us.
Sure, I lost my virginity,
but I also lost my best friend,
and they both
were very painful.
- Oh.
- Ew.
Trust me on this.
- [Exhales deeply]
- [mumbles]
You know, he is right, Gary.
Besides, the woman I was
with two nights ago told me
I had to stop having
meaningless flings.
I mean, I cannot remember
her name,
but she was very wise.
So how about
we just let this one go?
All right, forget it.
- All right.
- Yeah, man.
I don't even remember
what it was about.
I'm glad we cleared
that up, okay.
Yeah, we did.
[Mumbling to self]
Mika. You got time
to go car shopping with me?
You know how bad I am
at negotiating.
Birdie's allowance
is, like, a stack a week.
Look, kenan, I'm really busy.
I'm still undoing all my
Mac-and-cheese decisions.
And by the way,
I couldn't unbook Chet Hanks,
so you may have to
make jerk chicken with him.
Chet Hanks.
Oh... well, now you definitely
owe me one.
- [Sighs]
- fine.
Okay, so, when I'm haggling,
if it looks like
I'm going to cry, I'm not.
If it looks like I'm going to
throw up, I'm not.
If it looks like he's going to
cry and throw up, we winning.
That's great advice.
Let's go get 'em.
- Wait a minute.
- Keith Allen's luxury autos?
Kenan, what are you doing?
All right, I just happen
to be shopping
for a fancy-ass car
from the guy
that broke your heart
in a million little pieces.
But, Mika, you never got over
your first fiancé,
and now you are sabotaging all
your future chances at love.
Now, come on in here
and talk to this man.
You know what's funny, is
that I remember telling you
to stay out of it, so, no,
we ain't going nowhere.
Well, what kind of friend
would I be
if I just listened
to you all the time?
Uh, you'd be a smart friend.
All right, come up
off my unlock button.
You going to listen to me,
kenan... we staying here.
Hi. Welcome. Come to
test-drive a new vehicle today?
No. No, no.
Thank you, no. De nada.
Mika, talk to him.
Get some closure.
It'll help you move on.
Okay, fine.
Keith Allen!
- Mika Caldwell!
- Wow!
- Come on.
- What a coincidence, huh?
[Chuckles]
you know, my friend here
wants to buy
the most expensive car you got.
- Oh.
- Uh, that is correct.
I enjoy expensive things.
I'm actually the owner of issue
number 30 of "x men"...
Mint!
Oh, oh, this guy's got taste.
- So here it is...
- The most expensive car we have.
Great.
Uh, quick question...
You got any, uh, deals going on
or, like, any rebates
with this baby?
[laughing]
- I'm joking.
- This guy.
I'll just show myself
the car while y'all catch up.
Let's see.
Maybe give it a little smack,
talk to it.
Uh, lamborghini up.
Uh, just push the button
right there.
Oh, my bad.
This must be one
of the older ones.
No, it's a 2023.
Yes, it is.
This is so blowing my mind
right now.
How long has it been since...
11 years ago,
this Valentine's day.
Yeah, I remember because
we were supposed to get married
on Valentine's day, so...
Hey, man, how much horsepower
is in these wipers?
- You know what?
- I'll look it up online.
Carry on.
Well, let me say,
I'm really sorry.
Oh, I don't want
your apologies, Keith.
I just want to know
why you ghosted me.
Like, what was
so wrong with me?
Nothing.
I just think
we really weren't vibing.
- [Horn honks]
- oh, oh.
Sorry.
Horn works, though.
So you walked away
from a four-year relationship
six days before our wedding
because we weren't vibing?
Mika, the truth is...
I smoked a lot of weed
back then.
I mean, if I knew
what stupid thought I had
when I was 24, I'd tell you.
But I just don't remember.
Seriously?
- [Horn honks, alarm blares]
- oh! Uh, I'm sorry.
Mika, Keith, can y'all help me
out here?
- I don't know what I did.
- Wow.
Yo, we got a stucky!
Sorry,
I'm the stucky, I guess.
What the hell?
I thought we agreed that
we were not going to let a girl
get in between us
like Phil's band.
What are you doing here?
She dm'd me.
Look, here's the thing, Pam...
She fine as hell... that's it.
Same reason you here, I bet.
- She is very attractive.
- Yeah.
But this doesn't make
any sense.
She just dm'd me
to come over here.
She dm'd you the same time
she dm'd me?
You think it means
what I think it means?
- A threesome?
- We cannot be that kind of band.
We are not the Jonas brothers.
Or, hot take, are we?
[Sighs] hmm.
- All right.
- Yeah.
- But I've got terms.
- Okay.
- No eye contact.
- I hate eyes.
- Leave your socks on.
- Always.
And don't tell Phil.
I turned him and his partner
down after the Christmas party.
Wait, they asked me second?
[Scoffs] Damn.
- Should I do push-ups?
- No.
- Okay.
- We don't got time for that.
Gary and Pam.
I'm so glad you
both could make it.
Come in.
Get in there.
You're just in time
for the customer testimonials.
- Girl...
- What?
Ah, smoothielyfe?
This is a damn pyramid scheme.
I should have known.
Nobody has
daytime threesomes anymore.
Hey, guys, you're seeking
financial freedom, too?
[Dramatic music]
[♪]
I got nothing.
No closure?
Not only did I not get any
closure.
I feel ten times worse.
I got "unclosure."
Wouldn't that just be opened?
All right, well, what reason
would make you feel better?
I don't know. Anything.
Okay, so what if he said,
"I cheated on you"?
- Would that be better?
- No.
What if he said
his mama couldn't stand you?
- Oh, no, definitely not.
- No, his mama loved me.
We're still Facebook friends,
she be like, like, like, like.
- [laughs] that's weird.
- Yeah.
All right, what if he said,
"I'm an addict?"
- Mm.
- Or, "I'm gay"?
- Hmm.
- Or, "it's not you it's me"?
- Ugh.
- "the devil made me do it"?
Come on, Mika,
these are good reasons.
You know what?
I don't think there's anything
he could've said
that would've made me feel
any better.
- So what?
- You never get closure?
Maybe I don't get closure
from him.
I mean, I guess I just have
to make the choice to move on
and... Be happy.
And I really want to be happy.
Sounds like someone
just found some closure.
So I guess my plan
worked after all.
Okay. You're playing
accidentally worked.
Thanks, kenan.
I'm going to call Nick
and apologize.
Oh, tell him I got
those hawks tickets.
Yep.
The view is obstructed,
but they're still good seats.
Ready for that test-drive?
Oh, uh, actually, no.
I don't need a car after all.
Oh, but this isn't a car,
Mr. Williams.
This is a lifestyle.
Uh, yeah, okay.
Man, that girl crazy as hell,
but she about to make me
the smoothie king, though.
Whoa, this is
what a threesome with Phil
and his partner
would taste like.
Man, what is all this crap?
I cannot believe y'all
are out here
buying stuff you don't need.
[Car alarm chirps]
[clears throat]
Did you just buy a car?
- Oh, I didn't buy a car.
- I leased a lifestyle.
Does that lifestyle come with
selling smoothies, brother?
'Cause that lifestyle
seems expensive.