Kenan (2021–…): Season 2, Episode 5 - Workaholic - full transcript
♪ Because you know
I'm all about pancakes ♪
♪ 'Bout pancakes,
come get 'em ♪
♪ I'm all about pancakes,
'bout pancakes ♪
♪ Come get 'em
♪ I'm all about pancakes
♪ 'Bout pancakes,
come get them ♪
♪ I'm all about pancakes,
'bout pancakes ♪
- Yeah, yeah.
- Hey!
♪ I'm all about pancakes,
'bout pancakes ♪
Oh, yeah‐‐
What's going on?
I thought you loved
the pancake song.
- I did when I was little.
- Little?
Girl, you just
lost a tooth last week.
‐ Ah, she chipped it
playing softball.
- She chipped it?
- I said, "Head's up."
‐ The tooth is gone, Rick.
‐ Um, Dad, you don't need to
pick me up from school today.
I'm going to Atlantic Station
with my friends.
‐ I'm sorry. You're going
to who, what to do where now?
Don't make this a thing.
We're just gonna go get boba.
‐ Ooh, I love boba.
Pick me up a mango milk tea
with extra balls in it.
‐ Can I get in on that?
If Evan's there, just tell him
to give you the "Rick."
If Sharla's there,
do not mention my name.
- We got issues.
- Hey!
She's not bringing
y'all back anything
because she's not going.
- Please? You can trust me.
- I'm almost 12.
- No, no.
- It's not about that.
It's just there's a lot
of things out in the world
that I don't think
you're ready for.
I mean, what if you get lost?
Or snatched?
Or one of your friends
pressures you
into trying the vape juice?
‐ Uh, can I get
some vape juice?
Your pancakes are kind of dry.
‐ You see what you're doing
to your sister?
You see?
You're confusing your sis‐‐
No. No vape juice
and no boba balls, all right?
Come on, we supposed
to be having a good time.
Five, six, seven, eight.
♪ I make the best pancakes,
best pancakes, yeah, yeah ♪
‐ Man, I'm going
to Waffle House.
‐ Ooh, will you bring me back
some of those
smothered hash browns?
And if Mary's there,
tell her the whole thing's over
with Sharla.
*KENAN*
Season 02 Episode 05
Episode Title: "Hustle And Flow"
Aired on: January 17, 2022.
‐ Well, guys, I want to tell
you how amazing your ideas are.
But they're all trash.
‐ I thought Phil's
antique‐doll‐collecting pitch
was intriguing.
‐ Oh, you mean Hester?
‐ Um, hey, look...
Phil, I'm telling you
this as a friend, man.
Get rid of that thing
before it drags you to hell.
‐ I keep throwing her away,
but she keeps
finding her way back.
That's my point exactly.
- Uh‐uh.
- Uh‐uh.
‐ Oh, this is
Aubrey's school calling.
‐ All right, well,
I guess we'll put Phil
and creepy‐ass Hester
on the board as a maybe.
What?
- Okay, as a yes.
- As a yes!
- Yes, yes, hello.
- Is everything okay?
‐ Absolutely fine,
Mr. Williams.
I'm just calling
to let you know
that Aubrey got her period.
- My Aubrey?
- Aubrey W.?
You sure it's not Aubrey S.?
‐ Aubrey S. Is a boy.
‐ Damn you,
precocious puberty.
I knew I should've bought
the hormone‐free chicken,
but the wings are so small.
‐ Uh, chickens
don't cause periods, sir.
‐ Oh, I beg to differ.
‐ And there's also
an adult‐content element
that can get pretty racy.
‐ Tell me more
of this, uh, adult content.
‐ Gary, what are you doing?
- Standing in for Kenan.
- Turns out it's just in time.
I was just pitching a segment
on Key‐Whole,
that new website
where creators
put up personalized content
for their fans.
Sites like that
are hella popular.
Tyga showed his junk
on OnlyFans,
and people went nuts.
"Went nuts."
Stop being so hilarious, Pam.
All right,
so fans ask creators
to do specific acts
for money?
Hmm, we could do a debate
on the pros and cons of that.
B‐b‐but what's there
to debate?
People should be free to do
any nasty thing they want to
online for the schmoney.
This is America,
damn it!
Okay,
there are negatives, right?
I wanted to make
a little boat money,
so I thought I would do
birthday greetings for my fans.
But people kept asking me
to do wet mouth sounds.
Really?
I mean, ew.
My point is, some people
feel liberated and empowered
by the financial freedom,
but others feel pressure
to porn it up.
And some people
are just haters hating...
Tam Tam.
Well, Gary, if you're so sure
that there's no downside,
why don't you become
a Key‐Wholer
- and talk about it on the show?
- Hmm, maybe I will.
I am into financial freedom.
You know what? I'm gonna pour
everything I have into this.
Oh, my friend on Key‐Whole
pours all kinds of stuff
on himself‐‐
milk, honey, fondue.
Oh, that one burned him
pretty bad,
but people pay extra for that.
I guess he turned that fondue
into fon‐dollars.
Am I right?
Oh, my damn!
My damn.
Hey, Aubrey.
Hi, Dad.
How's my little baby doing?
Well, I guess you're not
a baby anymore, huh?
I left work early
to get you everything you need.
I got your wings, your pads,
your cups, your pearls,
a hot water bottle,
prayer candle‐‐
that's actually for me‐‐
and, oh, Epsom salts.
See, my grandma used to say,
"It cures what ails you."
Except for that
runaway tractor.
Oh, rest well, Big Momma.
Why does she
get all this stuff?
Hmm, don't worry
about it, Birdie.
This is woman business.
Papa Rick says I act like
a wild woman. Does that count?
Uh, baby,
you want to go play Roblox?
Does a wild woman pee
in the backyard?
Well, she really shouldn't.
Is that why we got
patchy grass?
Use the potty, Birdie!
Oh, man.
Look at you.
Growing up on me.
- You feeling okay?
- Yeah.
I'm mostly just bummed
that I won't be able
to swim in the ocean without
getting attacked by a shark.
Price of being a woman.
Well, what do you say
that you and I
go to a special little dinner?
I'm always up
for some Outback.
Yeah, Blooming Onion
for my blooming young‐un.
Oh.
I'm gonna need a minute.
She housed, like,
three whole onions by herself.
But I did read that
dropping eggs makes you hungry.
What? Where did you read
that nonsense?
Reddit.
Are you saying
that Reddit could be wrong?
Anyway, I'm glad
y'all had a nice night.
First periods can be
a bit traumatizing.
When I got mine,
my parents left a box of pads
outside my door
with a note‐‐
"You're grown now.
Get a job."
- Oh, that's sad.
- Yeah.
But Aubrey was perfectly fine
sharing all the details
with me.
- She was?
- Yeah, it's a crazy story.
She was fighting with her
friend Tara in math class,
and then the teacher
called her up to the board.
And as she's walking up,
Tara noticed a spot on her
pants but didn't say anything.
But before
she could turn around,
the teacher stopped her,
and now
her and Tara aren't friends.
- Yeah.
- How'd you know that?
Does that happen to all women?
I'm sorry.
Reddit didn't cover this.
No, that's exactly
what happened on "This is Us."
What are you saying?
- Aubrey didn't get her period.
- She lied to you.
She lied?
And she's weaponizing
Sterling K. Brown against me?
- Oh, that will not do.
- Ooh, she in trouble.
Knock‐a‐doodle‐doo. So how's the flow?
- It's fine.
- Can I help you?
No, just checking on you.
Mm, everything okay
with the stuff I got you?
'Cause, uh, it doesn't look
like you opened any of it.
Um, yeah.
My friend Tara let me
borrow some at school today.
Oh, your friend Tara,
who I've never met before
and I've never heard mention of
before yesterday?
Yep, that's her.
Aubrey, you got something
you want to tell me?
Nope, everything's fine.
Although I did want to ask
again if I could go
to Atlantic Station with my
friends since I'm a woman now.
Mm‐hmm.
Atlantic Station
with the friends.
- Oh, yeah.
- Big smile now.
Yeah, that's right.
Yeah, oh, they're saying
they want some squats.
- Okay.
- Yeah. Yeah, sell it.
Ooh, he's a crowd pleaser.
You're averaging
a dollar a squat.
- Ooh.
- Oh, but you got‐‐
this is Key‐Whole, man.
- You got to do it low...
- Low...
- And slow.
- And slow.
- Yeah.
- Oh. Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Uh‐huh. Mm‐hmm.
Oh, yeah.
That's good.
What the hell
are y'all doing?
Oh, Garebear's just working
my way to this schmoney.
Garebear?
That's his screen name,
Garebear.
- You like it? My idea.
- Yeah.
It's a nod to that
clover‐shaped birthmark
on my belly.
It's my own fault
for asking questions
and for letting y'all
live in my house.
Wow, somebody's in a mood.
- Yeah, I'm sorry.
- My bad, man.
I'm just feeling untethered
because my baby girl
is lying to me.
And she's bad at it.
Oh, come on, Kenan.
I used to lie all the time
when I was a kid.
- I turned out great.
- Well, you're not great.
You sleep next
to my water heater.
I'm with Kenan
on this one, man.
Lying's not good unless you're
doing it for the schmoney.
Low and slow.
Will you please
stop doing schmoney squats?
- Okay.
- I got to nip this lying thing
in the bud, man, or
she's going start sneaking out
and drinking and vaping
and meeting up with boys
in parking lots
to do Lord knows what.
I met my first ex‐wife
in a parking lot.
Okay, do what Dad did, man.
Just back her into a corner and
force her to tell the truth.
After that, she'll think twice
about lying to you.
You know,
that did always work.
I thought you guys told me
he was kind of a jerk.
Don't you ever talk bad
about my daddy like that!
- Cecil Williams was a saint!
- My bad.
That's our bad, actually.
I don't know where all
that aggression came from.
I know exactly
where it came from.
Don't do it no more.
Yeah, but Dad did
go kind of hard, man.
I always swore I would never
go that hard with my kids.
But maybe I can do,
like, a half‐Cecil.
- A nice half‐Cecil.
- Half‐Cecil.
Just nudge her
into the corner
and have a little tête‐à‐tête
with her
until she têtes the truth.
Well, just don't
do anything stupid.
Yeah, don't be
doing nothing stupid.
- Oh, oh, Gary.
- Time to break it down now.
- Like a squat.
- Whoo!
- And drop it like a squat.
- Schmoney squat.
- And drop it like a squat.
- And schmoney...
Here we are.
- What are we doing?
- This isn't Yogurtland.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
- I must've lied.
We are at your first
womanly doctor's appointment
so you can go in there and
talk to a medical professional
about your first period
that you definitely just got.
Or, hey,
if you're uncomfortable,
I'm open
to just going to Yogurtland
and talking about
why we're not at the doctor.
Well, we're here,
so let's do it.
Oh, you‐‐you going‐‐
All right, well,
I guess I got to find
a real parking spot now.
All right.
Mm, okay. One second.
I'ma find a sp‐‐
Oh, that's neutral.
Okay. Here we go.
Yep. No.
You know what?
I'ma just leave it right here.
Whoo.
Oh, what's up, ladies?
I just came by
to say I was 100% right
about there being no downside
to Key‐Whole.
I mean, I've been an influencer
only a few days,
and it's already
off the chain.
Oh, or should I say
on the chain?
Oh!
- That thing looks expensive.
- Oh, it is.
$5,000 a month.
I leased it.
Yeah, it's like a Bentley
on my neck.
Weighs like one, too.
Mm, hurts so good.
Oh! Uh‐oh, what's that?
Oh, I got to jet, y'all.
Somebody just offered me $100
to eat a bowl of spaghetti
in the men's room.
Garebear got work to do.
Oh, 150 to do it on the floor.
I can't stop winning.
What's that, chain?
We ballin'.
I know.
Ooh, it's so heavy.
It's so heavy.
This is not working.
We created these
fake Key‐Whole followers
to show him that
there's a downside to this,
not to turn him
into Bobby Brown.
Oh, hey, he's on.
How did he get spaghetti
so fast?
The things a brother will do
for an 18‐karat
gold Cuban link.
- That chain is fire, though.
- Yeah.
Aw, yeah.
Appreciate that
courtesy flush, bro‐bro.
We've got
to up our game, ladies.
- We're playing this too safe.
- Mm‐hmm.
It's time to take this
to the gutter.
I don't know
if Gary minds the gutter.
He just ate a meatball
that rolled under the urinal.
Yuck!
. Well, all right.
I just made that copayment
that's nonrefundable.
Okay, thanks.
We got to fill out
this paperwork
and, uh, answer the questions
with honesty.
I got you.
And then
you gonna get a period shot.
A period shot?
- That's not a thing.
- Yeah, it is.
It's something new that
they've been trying lately,
you know, just to keep your
lady parts flush with enzymes.
It's Fauci‐approved.
But if you don't need it
for any reason,
this would be the time
to tell me.
Whatever I have to do.
Oh. Hey, Doctor.
Hey. Kenan.
Big fan, I'm sure.
Listen, my daughter told me
that she got her first period,
but, actually, it was the girl
from "This is Us."
Ooh, that was
a great episode.
Not realistic,
but still good.
I'm sorry, what does this
have to do with me, sir?
Well, I think
I can get her to confess
if you help me convince her
that she's gonna get
a period shot.
- Period shot?
- That's not a thing.
I know it's not, but
I already told her that it was.
And, you know,
she's been scared of needles
since she was,
like, a little girl,
so all I need you to do
is, like,
approach her real slow
with a big‐ass needle,
like you gonna stab her
a bunch of times
or something like that,
and then she'll break down
in apologetic tears.
I'll win, and then she'll know
never to lie
to her father again.
Uh‐uh,
I suggest you go home
and have a real conversation
with your daughter, sir.
If he doesn't leave,
call security.
- Mm‐hmm.
- Oh, it's like that?
I ask you to threaten my
daughter and you threaten me?
What kind of establishment
is this?
Dad, what's going on?
I'll tell you
what's going on, Aubrey.
You lied to me,
all right?
And you need to admit it.
You lied. Admit it.
Fine. I lied.
Can we go home now?
You‐‐yes, we can!
And don't you‐‐
Excuse me, I'm gonna need
that copayment back,
if you don't mind.
Ooh, I got a new one.
"Shave your body smooth
like a chocolate dolphin
"while you type
a angry letter
to Robin Roberts
with your feet."
For $200?
What kind of freaky‐deaky freak
is into this?
Absolutely not.
He declined?
We got to go all‐in
if we're gonna break him.
Ooh, I'll get
the petty cash card.
Ooh, yeah.
For $1,100?
Freak‐deaky damn.
Ahh.
Yeah, just what
the doctor ordered.
Thank you, brother.
I've been working on that
for 15 minutes.
Well, you need a year,
'cause this taste like garbage.
I don't know about
this Key‐Whole thing, man.
Doing some of this stuff
for money
got my stomach all twisted up.
Is this what shame feels like?
Yep. I guess you could quit,
but Allied Bank
would probably come
and repossess
that fancy gold chain of yours.
It's crazy, man‐‐I thought
the chain was working for me,
but now I feel like
I'm working for the chain.
- That's almost a haiku.
- What?
Sounds like you've got
a decision to make.
- I don't want to hear it.
- Go to your room.
I was already going.
Yeah, and you better
get up there quick.
Man, good Lord, what is going
on with these kids today?
My goodness.
Oh, man, that's awful.
How do people even drink that?
Uh, I'll have some wine.
I am not a bartender.
Yeah, and with drinks
like that, you never will be.
Man, Aubrey has lost her mind.
I cannot believe how
unapologetic she is
about lying to me.
Oh, man,
they turn on you quickly.
One day,
they're your little baby.
And the next day,
they're dating Lil Baby.
Too many little babies.
Well, not on my watch,
all right?
Nothing else
I've been trying is working,
so I'm just gonna have
to go full Cecil now.
Hey, you better do it
for Daddy, bro.
Do it for Daddy.
Ah, hell with it.
Aubrey, we need
to talk right now.
- Ooh, Daddy, what did she do?
- What did you do, Aubrey?
Hey, baby, why don't you play
with your tablet
and go downstairs
and watch TV, hmm?
Now you're offering me
two screens?
Whatever you're doing,
keep it up.
- I already admitted I lied.
- What more do you want?
I want you to drop
the attitude and apologize.
No, because
if you had just let me
hang out with my friends
at Atlantic Station,
none of this
would be happening.
I'm not a baby anymore.
Okay, you're grounded.
Great.
Great? Give me your phone.
- Fine.
- Fine?
Oh, I'll take
your computer, too.
You're gonna want
to charge it.
- Charge it?
- I'm gonna want to ch‐‐
Oh, she telling me
I might want to charge‐‐
You want to keep going?
I'll keep going all night.
You like your bed?
What now...
Kenan?
Don't call me Kenan.
Lord, give me the strength.
Mandela!
. Aubrey is out of control. You
remember those scared‐straight dudes
- we did the segment on?
- Yeah.
I'm thinking maybe we get
them a weekend pass
and have them come
into my house.
No, I don't want them
knowing where I live.
Oh, man. What would
my daddy do to break her?
It's not waterboarding, but‐‐
Kenan, you don't need
to break her.
- Mika, you weren't there.
- You didn't see her crazy eyes.
They were like Phil's doll.
And she wouldn't take
any responsibility.
Oh, so like father,
like daughter, am I right?
Okay, look,
I'm gonna tell you something
you don't want to hear.
- You ready?
- No.
Aubrey was wrong
for lying to you,
but she wasn't wrong about you
needing to give her
a little more independence.
But I need to keep he close
to keep her safe,
otherwise she'll be out there
getting
into all kinds of trouble.
- I ever tell you about my dad?
- No. Was he a Tuskegee Airman?
'Cause that syphilis thing
was messed up.
What? No, he was
a Philadelphia factory worker.
Super strict about everything.
So, one night,
I snuck out the house
to go to Angie Palladino's
8th‐grade graduation party.
What? You snuck out?
Yeah. And I also raided
her parents' liquor cabinet,
then wound up in the hospital
and had to get
my stomach pumped.
Oh, snap.
You see,
being under my dad's thumb
didn't stop me
from getting into trouble.
And, you know, if Aubrey's
anything like I was,
she'll just rebel even harder
and do all the things that
you're worried about and more.
Yeah. You mean, like,
the boys and drinking
and vaping and Lord knows what.
Yeah, Lord knows what.
Or you can loosen the reins
and give her
a little more space to roam.
You saying I should
buy her a horse?
- 'Cause that'd be easier.
- Kenan.
So you really think
she did all this
- just to prove she's an adult?
- Mm‐hmm.
- Maybe you're right.
- Thank you, Mika.
It's just‐‐seeing my kids
growing up is such a trip.
Makes me understand why we had
such crazy‐ass daddies.
Don't you talk
about my daddy.
See?
Oh, I guess
we're done talking.
Wake up, wake up,
wake up, wake up.
- Hi, there.
- I'm Saffron Spice.
Today we are gonna fry
some fish.
Ooh.
So, Saffron, you must be
pretty adventurous
to have a fully nude fish fry.
Well, the splash back
and popping could be annoying
if you're not into that,
but, overall,
it's really empowering
to make that kind of money
doing what you love naked.
Wrong.
Oh, sounds like Gary
has a counterpoint.
Yes, I do.
Look, I thought Key‐Wholing
had no downsides.
Turns out mo' schmoney,
mo' problems.
That Key‐Whole leads
to the devil's door.
Hmm, just lucky
your boy got out
before I did anything
I couldn't live with.
- Oh, did you, though?
- Mm‐hmm.
- Let's roll the tape.
- I'm sorry. What?
I'm a chocolate dolphin.
Don't judge me. I have to pay
off this chain, man, come on.
Wait, how'd you get
my premium content?
We'll be right back with
Saffron Spice and Garebear XXX.
We're clear.
- Got him.
- Y'all set me up.
You just got bitch‐pranked!
Dang it,
I‐I messed up my moment.
It's okay.
Look, in all fairness,
we needed another passionate
guest for the segment,
and we wanted to embarrass
the hell out of you.
We did.
- Typing with your toes.
- Y'all so wrong for this.
Y'all so wrong for this, man!
Hey, um, Saffron,
why don't you‐‐
How about you cook me dinner
tonight and cheer me up?
Hmm.
Chain still worth it, baby.
You see that?
Still a winner!
All right,
we're here at the boba shop
where all your friends is at,
Miss Daisy.
I'm pretty sure
that's racist, Dad, but thanks.
Hey, uh, look,
I'm loosening the reins,
but, remember, I need you
to be honest with me
so I can help you navigate this
growing‐up thing, all right?
Okay.
- You sure you ready for this?
- Yes, I'm sure.
And, again, I'm really sorry
I lied to you.
I love you, Daddy.
I love...
Hey, Aubrey!
You, too.
Don't worry, Daddy.
This Birdie's
never flying the coop.
Oh, thank you, baby.
I mean,
I still play with dolls.
Oh!
Hester!
Don't you take my baby's soul.
I'm all about pancakes ♪
♪ 'Bout pancakes,
come get 'em ♪
♪ I'm all about pancakes,
'bout pancakes ♪
♪ Come get 'em
♪ I'm all about pancakes
♪ 'Bout pancakes,
come get them ♪
♪ I'm all about pancakes,
'bout pancakes ♪
- Yeah, yeah.
- Hey!
♪ I'm all about pancakes,
'bout pancakes ♪
Oh, yeah‐‐
What's going on?
I thought you loved
the pancake song.
- I did when I was little.
- Little?
Girl, you just
lost a tooth last week.
‐ Ah, she chipped it
playing softball.
- She chipped it?
- I said, "Head's up."
‐ The tooth is gone, Rick.
‐ Um, Dad, you don't need to
pick me up from school today.
I'm going to Atlantic Station
with my friends.
‐ I'm sorry. You're going
to who, what to do where now?
Don't make this a thing.
We're just gonna go get boba.
‐ Ooh, I love boba.
Pick me up a mango milk tea
with extra balls in it.
‐ Can I get in on that?
If Evan's there, just tell him
to give you the "Rick."
If Sharla's there,
do not mention my name.
- We got issues.
- Hey!
She's not bringing
y'all back anything
because she's not going.
- Please? You can trust me.
- I'm almost 12.
- No, no.
- It's not about that.
It's just there's a lot
of things out in the world
that I don't think
you're ready for.
I mean, what if you get lost?
Or snatched?
Or one of your friends
pressures you
into trying the vape juice?
‐ Uh, can I get
some vape juice?
Your pancakes are kind of dry.
‐ You see what you're doing
to your sister?
You see?
You're confusing your sis‐‐
No. No vape juice
and no boba balls, all right?
Come on, we supposed
to be having a good time.
Five, six, seven, eight.
♪ I make the best pancakes,
best pancakes, yeah, yeah ♪
‐ Man, I'm going
to Waffle House.
‐ Ooh, will you bring me back
some of those
smothered hash browns?
And if Mary's there,
tell her the whole thing's over
with Sharla.
*KENAN*
Season 02 Episode 05
Episode Title: "Hustle And Flow"
Aired on: January 17, 2022.
‐ Well, guys, I want to tell
you how amazing your ideas are.
But they're all trash.
‐ I thought Phil's
antique‐doll‐collecting pitch
was intriguing.
‐ Oh, you mean Hester?
‐ Um, hey, look...
Phil, I'm telling you
this as a friend, man.
Get rid of that thing
before it drags you to hell.
‐ I keep throwing her away,
but she keeps
finding her way back.
That's my point exactly.
- Uh‐uh.
- Uh‐uh.
‐ Oh, this is
Aubrey's school calling.
‐ All right, well,
I guess we'll put Phil
and creepy‐ass Hester
on the board as a maybe.
What?
- Okay, as a yes.
- As a yes!
- Yes, yes, hello.
- Is everything okay?
‐ Absolutely fine,
Mr. Williams.
I'm just calling
to let you know
that Aubrey got her period.
- My Aubrey?
- Aubrey W.?
You sure it's not Aubrey S.?
‐ Aubrey S. Is a boy.
‐ Damn you,
precocious puberty.
I knew I should've bought
the hormone‐free chicken,
but the wings are so small.
‐ Uh, chickens
don't cause periods, sir.
‐ Oh, I beg to differ.
‐ And there's also
an adult‐content element
that can get pretty racy.
‐ Tell me more
of this, uh, adult content.
‐ Gary, what are you doing?
- Standing in for Kenan.
- Turns out it's just in time.
I was just pitching a segment
on Key‐Whole,
that new website
where creators
put up personalized content
for their fans.
Sites like that
are hella popular.
Tyga showed his junk
on OnlyFans,
and people went nuts.
"Went nuts."
Stop being so hilarious, Pam.
All right,
so fans ask creators
to do specific acts
for money?
Hmm, we could do a debate
on the pros and cons of that.
B‐b‐but what's there
to debate?
People should be free to do
any nasty thing they want to
online for the schmoney.
This is America,
damn it!
Okay,
there are negatives, right?
I wanted to make
a little boat money,
so I thought I would do
birthday greetings for my fans.
But people kept asking me
to do wet mouth sounds.
Really?
I mean, ew.
My point is, some people
feel liberated and empowered
by the financial freedom,
but others feel pressure
to porn it up.
And some people
are just haters hating...
Tam Tam.
Well, Gary, if you're so sure
that there's no downside,
why don't you become
a Key‐Wholer
- and talk about it on the show?
- Hmm, maybe I will.
I am into financial freedom.
You know what? I'm gonna pour
everything I have into this.
Oh, my friend on Key‐Whole
pours all kinds of stuff
on himself‐‐
milk, honey, fondue.
Oh, that one burned him
pretty bad,
but people pay extra for that.
I guess he turned that fondue
into fon‐dollars.
Am I right?
Oh, my damn!
My damn.
Hey, Aubrey.
Hi, Dad.
How's my little baby doing?
Well, I guess you're not
a baby anymore, huh?
I left work early
to get you everything you need.
I got your wings, your pads,
your cups, your pearls,
a hot water bottle,
prayer candle‐‐
that's actually for me‐‐
and, oh, Epsom salts.
See, my grandma used to say,
"It cures what ails you."
Except for that
runaway tractor.
Oh, rest well, Big Momma.
Why does she
get all this stuff?
Hmm, don't worry
about it, Birdie.
This is woman business.
Papa Rick says I act like
a wild woman. Does that count?
Uh, baby,
you want to go play Roblox?
Does a wild woman pee
in the backyard?
Well, she really shouldn't.
Is that why we got
patchy grass?
Use the potty, Birdie!
Oh, man.
Look at you.
Growing up on me.
- You feeling okay?
- Yeah.
I'm mostly just bummed
that I won't be able
to swim in the ocean without
getting attacked by a shark.
Price of being a woman.
Well, what do you say
that you and I
go to a special little dinner?
I'm always up
for some Outback.
Yeah, Blooming Onion
for my blooming young‐un.
Oh.
I'm gonna need a minute.
She housed, like,
three whole onions by herself.
But I did read that
dropping eggs makes you hungry.
What? Where did you read
that nonsense?
Reddit.
Are you saying
that Reddit could be wrong?
Anyway, I'm glad
y'all had a nice night.
First periods can be
a bit traumatizing.
When I got mine,
my parents left a box of pads
outside my door
with a note‐‐
"You're grown now.
Get a job."
- Oh, that's sad.
- Yeah.
But Aubrey was perfectly fine
sharing all the details
with me.
- She was?
- Yeah, it's a crazy story.
She was fighting with her
friend Tara in math class,
and then the teacher
called her up to the board.
And as she's walking up,
Tara noticed a spot on her
pants but didn't say anything.
But before
she could turn around,
the teacher stopped her,
and now
her and Tara aren't friends.
- Yeah.
- How'd you know that?
Does that happen to all women?
I'm sorry.
Reddit didn't cover this.
No, that's exactly
what happened on "This is Us."
What are you saying?
- Aubrey didn't get her period.
- She lied to you.
She lied?
And she's weaponizing
Sterling K. Brown against me?
- Oh, that will not do.
- Ooh, she in trouble.
Knock‐a‐doodle‐doo. So how's the flow?
- It's fine.
- Can I help you?
No, just checking on you.
Mm, everything okay
with the stuff I got you?
'Cause, uh, it doesn't look
like you opened any of it.
Um, yeah.
My friend Tara let me
borrow some at school today.
Oh, your friend Tara,
who I've never met before
and I've never heard mention of
before yesterday?
Yep, that's her.
Aubrey, you got something
you want to tell me?
Nope, everything's fine.
Although I did want to ask
again if I could go
to Atlantic Station with my
friends since I'm a woman now.
Mm‐hmm.
Atlantic Station
with the friends.
- Oh, yeah.
- Big smile now.
Yeah, that's right.
Yeah, oh, they're saying
they want some squats.
- Okay.
- Yeah. Yeah, sell it.
Ooh, he's a crowd pleaser.
You're averaging
a dollar a squat.
- Ooh.
- Oh, but you got‐‐
this is Key‐Whole, man.
- You got to do it low...
- Low...
- And slow.
- And slow.
- Yeah.
- Oh. Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Uh‐huh. Mm‐hmm.
Oh, yeah.
That's good.
What the hell
are y'all doing?
Oh, Garebear's just working
my way to this schmoney.
Garebear?
That's his screen name,
Garebear.
- You like it? My idea.
- Yeah.
It's a nod to that
clover‐shaped birthmark
on my belly.
It's my own fault
for asking questions
and for letting y'all
live in my house.
Wow, somebody's in a mood.
- Yeah, I'm sorry.
- My bad, man.
I'm just feeling untethered
because my baby girl
is lying to me.
And she's bad at it.
Oh, come on, Kenan.
I used to lie all the time
when I was a kid.
- I turned out great.
- Well, you're not great.
You sleep next
to my water heater.
I'm with Kenan
on this one, man.
Lying's not good unless you're
doing it for the schmoney.
Low and slow.
Will you please
stop doing schmoney squats?
- Okay.
- I got to nip this lying thing
in the bud, man, or
she's going start sneaking out
and drinking and vaping
and meeting up with boys
in parking lots
to do Lord knows what.
I met my first ex‐wife
in a parking lot.
Okay, do what Dad did, man.
Just back her into a corner and
force her to tell the truth.
After that, she'll think twice
about lying to you.
You know,
that did always work.
I thought you guys told me
he was kind of a jerk.
Don't you ever talk bad
about my daddy like that!
- Cecil Williams was a saint!
- My bad.
That's our bad, actually.
I don't know where all
that aggression came from.
I know exactly
where it came from.
Don't do it no more.
Yeah, but Dad did
go kind of hard, man.
I always swore I would never
go that hard with my kids.
But maybe I can do,
like, a half‐Cecil.
- A nice half‐Cecil.
- Half‐Cecil.
Just nudge her
into the corner
and have a little tête‐à‐tête
with her
until she têtes the truth.
Well, just don't
do anything stupid.
Yeah, don't be
doing nothing stupid.
- Oh, oh, Gary.
- Time to break it down now.
- Like a squat.
- Whoo!
- And drop it like a squat.
- Schmoney squat.
- And drop it like a squat.
- And schmoney...
Here we are.
- What are we doing?
- This isn't Yogurtland.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
- I must've lied.
We are at your first
womanly doctor's appointment
so you can go in there and
talk to a medical professional
about your first period
that you definitely just got.
Or, hey,
if you're uncomfortable,
I'm open
to just going to Yogurtland
and talking about
why we're not at the doctor.
Well, we're here,
so let's do it.
Oh, you‐‐you going‐‐
All right, well,
I guess I got to find
a real parking spot now.
All right.
Mm, okay. One second.
I'ma find a sp‐‐
Oh, that's neutral.
Okay. Here we go.
Yep. No.
You know what?
I'ma just leave it right here.
Whoo.
Oh, what's up, ladies?
I just came by
to say I was 100% right
about there being no downside
to Key‐Whole.
I mean, I've been an influencer
only a few days,
and it's already
off the chain.
Oh, or should I say
on the chain?
Oh!
- That thing looks expensive.
- Oh, it is.
$5,000 a month.
I leased it.
Yeah, it's like a Bentley
on my neck.
Weighs like one, too.
Mm, hurts so good.
Oh! Uh‐oh, what's that?
Oh, I got to jet, y'all.
Somebody just offered me $100
to eat a bowl of spaghetti
in the men's room.
Garebear got work to do.
Oh, 150 to do it on the floor.
I can't stop winning.
What's that, chain?
We ballin'.
I know.
Ooh, it's so heavy.
It's so heavy.
This is not working.
We created these
fake Key‐Whole followers
to show him that
there's a downside to this,
not to turn him
into Bobby Brown.
Oh, hey, he's on.
How did he get spaghetti
so fast?
The things a brother will do
for an 18‐karat
gold Cuban link.
- That chain is fire, though.
- Yeah.
Aw, yeah.
Appreciate that
courtesy flush, bro‐bro.
We've got
to up our game, ladies.
- We're playing this too safe.
- Mm‐hmm.
It's time to take this
to the gutter.
I don't know
if Gary minds the gutter.
He just ate a meatball
that rolled under the urinal.
Yuck!
. Well, all right.
I just made that copayment
that's nonrefundable.
Okay, thanks.
We got to fill out
this paperwork
and, uh, answer the questions
with honesty.
I got you.
And then
you gonna get a period shot.
A period shot?
- That's not a thing.
- Yeah, it is.
It's something new that
they've been trying lately,
you know, just to keep your
lady parts flush with enzymes.
It's Fauci‐approved.
But if you don't need it
for any reason,
this would be the time
to tell me.
Whatever I have to do.
Oh. Hey, Doctor.
Hey. Kenan.
Big fan, I'm sure.
Listen, my daughter told me
that she got her first period,
but, actually, it was the girl
from "This is Us."
Ooh, that was
a great episode.
Not realistic,
but still good.
I'm sorry, what does this
have to do with me, sir?
Well, I think
I can get her to confess
if you help me convince her
that she's gonna get
a period shot.
- Period shot?
- That's not a thing.
I know it's not, but
I already told her that it was.
And, you know,
she's been scared of needles
since she was,
like, a little girl,
so all I need you to do
is, like,
approach her real slow
with a big‐ass needle,
like you gonna stab her
a bunch of times
or something like that,
and then she'll break down
in apologetic tears.
I'll win, and then she'll know
never to lie
to her father again.
Uh‐uh,
I suggest you go home
and have a real conversation
with your daughter, sir.
If he doesn't leave,
call security.
- Mm‐hmm.
- Oh, it's like that?
I ask you to threaten my
daughter and you threaten me?
What kind of establishment
is this?
Dad, what's going on?
I'll tell you
what's going on, Aubrey.
You lied to me,
all right?
And you need to admit it.
You lied. Admit it.
Fine. I lied.
Can we go home now?
You‐‐yes, we can!
And don't you‐‐
Excuse me, I'm gonna need
that copayment back,
if you don't mind.
Ooh, I got a new one.
"Shave your body smooth
like a chocolate dolphin
"while you type
a angry letter
to Robin Roberts
with your feet."
For $200?
What kind of freaky‐deaky freak
is into this?
Absolutely not.
He declined?
We got to go all‐in
if we're gonna break him.
Ooh, I'll get
the petty cash card.
Ooh, yeah.
For $1,100?
Freak‐deaky damn.
Ahh.
Yeah, just what
the doctor ordered.
Thank you, brother.
I've been working on that
for 15 minutes.
Well, you need a year,
'cause this taste like garbage.
I don't know about
this Key‐Whole thing, man.
Doing some of this stuff
for money
got my stomach all twisted up.
Is this what shame feels like?
Yep. I guess you could quit,
but Allied Bank
would probably come
and repossess
that fancy gold chain of yours.
It's crazy, man‐‐I thought
the chain was working for me,
but now I feel like
I'm working for the chain.
- That's almost a haiku.
- What?
Sounds like you've got
a decision to make.
- I don't want to hear it.
- Go to your room.
I was already going.
Yeah, and you better
get up there quick.
Man, good Lord, what is going
on with these kids today?
My goodness.
Oh, man, that's awful.
How do people even drink that?
Uh, I'll have some wine.
I am not a bartender.
Yeah, and with drinks
like that, you never will be.
Man, Aubrey has lost her mind.
I cannot believe how
unapologetic she is
about lying to me.
Oh, man,
they turn on you quickly.
One day,
they're your little baby.
And the next day,
they're dating Lil Baby.
Too many little babies.
Well, not on my watch,
all right?
Nothing else
I've been trying is working,
so I'm just gonna have
to go full Cecil now.
Hey, you better do it
for Daddy, bro.
Do it for Daddy.
Ah, hell with it.
Aubrey, we need
to talk right now.
- Ooh, Daddy, what did she do?
- What did you do, Aubrey?
Hey, baby, why don't you play
with your tablet
and go downstairs
and watch TV, hmm?
Now you're offering me
two screens?
Whatever you're doing,
keep it up.
- I already admitted I lied.
- What more do you want?
I want you to drop
the attitude and apologize.
No, because
if you had just let me
hang out with my friends
at Atlantic Station,
none of this
would be happening.
I'm not a baby anymore.
Okay, you're grounded.
Great.
Great? Give me your phone.
- Fine.
- Fine?
Oh, I'll take
your computer, too.
You're gonna want
to charge it.
- Charge it?
- I'm gonna want to ch‐‐
Oh, she telling me
I might want to charge‐‐
You want to keep going?
I'll keep going all night.
You like your bed?
What now...
Kenan?
Don't call me Kenan.
Lord, give me the strength.
Mandela!
. Aubrey is out of control. You
remember those scared‐straight dudes
- we did the segment on?
- Yeah.
I'm thinking maybe we get
them a weekend pass
and have them come
into my house.
No, I don't want them
knowing where I live.
Oh, man. What would
my daddy do to break her?
It's not waterboarding, but‐‐
Kenan, you don't need
to break her.
- Mika, you weren't there.
- You didn't see her crazy eyes.
They were like Phil's doll.
And she wouldn't take
any responsibility.
Oh, so like father,
like daughter, am I right?
Okay, look,
I'm gonna tell you something
you don't want to hear.
- You ready?
- No.
Aubrey was wrong
for lying to you,
but she wasn't wrong about you
needing to give her
a little more independence.
But I need to keep he close
to keep her safe,
otherwise she'll be out there
getting
into all kinds of trouble.
- I ever tell you about my dad?
- No. Was he a Tuskegee Airman?
'Cause that syphilis thing
was messed up.
What? No, he was
a Philadelphia factory worker.
Super strict about everything.
So, one night,
I snuck out the house
to go to Angie Palladino's
8th‐grade graduation party.
What? You snuck out?
Yeah. And I also raided
her parents' liquor cabinet,
then wound up in the hospital
and had to get
my stomach pumped.
Oh, snap.
You see,
being under my dad's thumb
didn't stop me
from getting into trouble.
And, you know, if Aubrey's
anything like I was,
she'll just rebel even harder
and do all the things that
you're worried about and more.
Yeah. You mean, like,
the boys and drinking
and vaping and Lord knows what.
Yeah, Lord knows what.
Or you can loosen the reins
and give her
a little more space to roam.
You saying I should
buy her a horse?
- 'Cause that'd be easier.
- Kenan.
So you really think
she did all this
- just to prove she's an adult?
- Mm‐hmm.
- Maybe you're right.
- Thank you, Mika.
It's just‐‐seeing my kids
growing up is such a trip.
Makes me understand why we had
such crazy‐ass daddies.
Don't you talk
about my daddy.
See?
Oh, I guess
we're done talking.
Wake up, wake up,
wake up, wake up.
- Hi, there.
- I'm Saffron Spice.
Today we are gonna fry
some fish.
Ooh.
So, Saffron, you must be
pretty adventurous
to have a fully nude fish fry.
Well, the splash back
and popping could be annoying
if you're not into that,
but, overall,
it's really empowering
to make that kind of money
doing what you love naked.
Wrong.
Oh, sounds like Gary
has a counterpoint.
Yes, I do.
Look, I thought Key‐Wholing
had no downsides.
Turns out mo' schmoney,
mo' problems.
That Key‐Whole leads
to the devil's door.
Hmm, just lucky
your boy got out
before I did anything
I couldn't live with.
- Oh, did you, though?
- Mm‐hmm.
- Let's roll the tape.
- I'm sorry. What?
I'm a chocolate dolphin.
Don't judge me. I have to pay
off this chain, man, come on.
Wait, how'd you get
my premium content?
We'll be right back with
Saffron Spice and Garebear XXX.
We're clear.
- Got him.
- Y'all set me up.
You just got bitch‐pranked!
Dang it,
I‐I messed up my moment.
It's okay.
Look, in all fairness,
we needed another passionate
guest for the segment,
and we wanted to embarrass
the hell out of you.
We did.
- Typing with your toes.
- Y'all so wrong for this.
Y'all so wrong for this, man!
Hey, um, Saffron,
why don't you‐‐
How about you cook me dinner
tonight and cheer me up?
Hmm.
Chain still worth it, baby.
You see that?
Still a winner!
All right,
we're here at the boba shop
where all your friends is at,
Miss Daisy.
I'm pretty sure
that's racist, Dad, but thanks.
Hey, uh, look,
I'm loosening the reins,
but, remember, I need you
to be honest with me
so I can help you navigate this
growing‐up thing, all right?
Okay.
- You sure you ready for this?
- Yes, I'm sure.
And, again, I'm really sorry
I lied to you.
I love you, Daddy.
I love...
Hey, Aubrey!
You, too.
Don't worry, Daddy.
This Birdie's
never flying the coop.
Oh, thank you, baby.
I mean,
I still play with dolls.
Oh!
Hester!
Don't you take my baby's soul.