Keeping Up Appearances (1990–1995): Season 1, Episode 2 - Episode Two - full transcript

( theme music playing )

HELLO, IS THAT
THE WHOLESOME BAKERY?

NOW TELL ME-- AND I SHALL
KNOW IF YOU'RE LYING--

ARE YOUR FRESH CREAM CAKES
REALLY FRESH?

THERE'S NO NEED
TO TAKE THAT ATTITUDE.

THIS IS A SERIOUS
CUSTOMER INQUIRY.

MY NAME IS "BOUQUET,"

B-U-C-K-E-T.

NO, IT'S NOT BUCKET,
IT'S "BOUQUET."

I WISH TO PLACE A LARGE ORDER,
A VERY IMPORTANT ORDER.

I HAVE THE NEW VICAR
CALLING THIS AFTERNOON



FOR TEA AND LIGHT
REFRESHMENTS.

HOW SOON
CAN YOU DELIVER?

YES, I KNOW
IT'S SATURDAY,

AND I'M VERY HAPPY
THAT YOU'RE BUSY.

I CAN UNDERSTAND THAT YOU
DON'T DELIVER JUST ANYWHERE,

THE NEW VICAR

COMING FOR TEA
AND LIGHT REFRESHMENTS,

AND I WANT SIX
FRESH CREAM CAKES.

THAT IS A LARGE ORDER.

HELLO?

HELLO?

HOI POLLOI.

( grunts )

( groans )



I WISH YOU WOULDN'T RAISE
YOUR ARMS LIKE THAT, RICHARD,

NOT WHEN YOU'RE OVERHEATED.
IT'S VERY COMMON OUT OF DOORS.

IT'S WARM WORK,
HYACINTH.

TO PERSPIRE,

I WISH YOU'D GO
INTO THE BACK GARDEN,

SO AS NOT TO DISTURB
THE PEOPLE WHO RESPECT US
SOCIALLY.

I DIDN'T INVENT
THE HUMAN COOLING SYSTEM.

WE MUSTN'T ABUSE IT,
MUST WE, DEAR?

WHY ARE MY ROSES
NOT AS BIG AS THOSE
NEXT DOOR?

MAYBE THEY'RE
A DIFFERENT VARIETY?

I DON'T LIKE OUR ROSES
NOT BEING AS BIG AS
THOSE NEXT DOOR.

ARE YOU NEGLECTING
THEM, RICHARD?

I WANTED THE VICAR
TO BE GREETED BY A BLAZE

OF PETALED GLORY.

THIS TYPE ONLY GROWS
TO THIS SIZE, HYACINTH.

I'M SURE IF YOU
TRIED HARDER.

I KEEP THINKING
YOU'RE OUT HERE GROWING
THESE HUGE ROSES,

ALL THE TIME I SUPPOSE
YOU'RE GOSSIPING
WITH PASSERS-BY.

FUNNY YOU SHOULD SAY THAT,
YOU KNOW WHO PASSED BY
EARLIER THIS MORNING--

MY GOODNESS!
IS THAT A DEAD LEAF?

WHY ARE YOU COLLECTING
OLD DEAD LEAVES, RICHARD?

I'M GONNA
CORNER THE MARKET,

THE ENTIRE WORLD MARKET.

THEY'RE GOING
TO BE BEGGING ME
FOR OLD DEAD LEAVES.

MMM?

GOOD MORNING,
ELIZABETH!

GOOD MORNING,
HYACINTH.

DO COME IN AND WE'LL
HAVE A LITTLE REHEARSAL
FOR THIS AFTERNOON.

REHEARSAL?

SURELY YOU HAVEN'T
FORGOTTEN YOU'RE HAVING
TEA WITH THE NEW VICAR?

AND LIGHT REFRESHMENTS.

OH YES,
FOR LIGHT REFRESHMENTS.

I'VE HAD THEM BEFORE.
DO WE NEED YOUR REHEARSAL?

I NEVER LIKE LEAVING
THINGS TO CHANCE.

IT'S THE MARK
OF THE THOUGHTFUL HOSTESS.

OOOH!

RICHARD!

SORRY.

DO SIT DOWN,
ELIZABETH.

NOT THERE, DEAR.
I LIKE TO FACE
THE WINDOW.

OH, DEAR.

TSK, TSK, TSK.

I'M REALLY RATHER BUSY,
HYACINTH.

OH, THAT'S NICE, DEAR.

NOW, WITH REGARD
TO WHAT TO WEAR,

I THINK ONE OF US
SHOULD LOOK ATTRACTIVE
IN SOMETHING TASTEFUL

AND SUMMERY FLORAL.

WHAT WILL YOU WEAR?

WELL, I'M RATHER
EXPECTING YOU TO TELL ME.

I WOULDN'T DREAM
OF INTERFERING.

BUT JUST REMEMBER,
THE IMPORTANT THING IS

NOT TO CLASH
WITH MY SUMMER FLORAL.

SINCE WE LIVE
NEXT DOOR TO EACH OTHER,

THE LEAST WE CAN DO
IS COORDINATE.

I'LL PROBABLY WEAR
MY TAN TWO-PIECE.

OH, I SEE.

NOT MY TAN TWO-PIECE.

I THINK SOMETHING A LITTLE
MORE CHIC, DEAR, DON'T YOU?

WELL, ALL RIGHT THEN,
MY GREEN PRINT DRESS.

ISN'T THAT A LITTLE
REVEALING?

MMM.

MY ELBOWS, POSSIBLY,
BUT THAT'S ABOUT ALL!

YES, I KNOW, DEAR.

BUT ARE WE QUITE SURE
WHERE THE NEW VICAR STANDS

WITH REGARD
TO NAKED ELBOWS?

I DON'T THINK MINE
WILL DRIVE HIM WILD.

- EXCUSE ME.

THAT'S PROBABLY
THE WHOLESOME BAKERY

RINGING TO APOLOGIZE.

WHAT'S WRONG
WITH MY TAN TWO-PIECE?

THE "BOUQUET" RESIDENCE,
THE LADY OF THE HOUSE SPEAKING.

OH, IT'S YOU, ROSE.

IT'S MY SISTER ROSE,
ELIZABETH.

SHE'S INCLINED TO BE
TALKATIVE AND EXCITABLE,

SO DO HELP YOURSELF
TO A BISCUIT, DEAR.

AND MIND THE CRUMBS!

WHAT IS IT NOW, ROSE?

ROSE, YOU WILL NOT
COMMIT SUICIDE, I FORBID IT.

NO ONE IN THIS FAMILY
HAS EVER COMMITTED SUICIDE,

AND I'M SURE WE'RE NOT
GOING TO START

ON THE DAY I'M
HAVING THE NEW VICAR FOR TEA
AND LIGHT REFRESHMENTS.

I DON'T CARE WHAT YOUR
ROMANTIC ENTANGLEMENTS ARE,

YOU CANNOT HAVE DEAR
DEAD MOMMY'S WEDDING DRESS--

ESPECIALLY TO BE BURIED IN.

- I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT
MR. HEPPLEWHITE!

WILL YOU
KEEP IT DOWN, ROSE?

I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT
MR. HEPPLEWHITE--

NOT SINCE THE TRAGEDY.

WELL, IT'S WHAT HAPPENS
TO ALL MEN IN THE END,

HE'S GONE BACK
TO HIS WIFE.

I HAVE TO DIE!
I THREATENED HIM I WOULD.

WHAT DO YOU FANCY
IN THE 3:00?

RAINBOW LADY.

HYACINTH!

I WANT TO BE BURIED
IN MOMMY'S WEDDING DRESS!

YOU'VE GOT A BLOODY CHEEK
BEING BURIED IN WHITE.

I DON'T SEE WHY YOU
SHOULD HAVE THE DRESS, ANYWAY.

SHE WAS MY MOTHER TOO!

THE LEAST YOU CAN DO
IS HAVE A LITTLE
SYMPATHY

FOR YOUR SISTER
WHEN SHE'S DETERMINED
TO DIE!

HAVE YOU SEEN
MY LIBRARY BOOK?

HAVE YOU LOOKED
WHERE IT USUALLY IS?

UNDER THE SETTEE!

NO, HYACINTH!

NOT THE WEDDING DRESS!

OUR DAISY'S
LIBRARY BOOK!

WHO'S MR. HEPPLEWHITE?

SHE MET HIM LAST WEEK.

OH, HE'S LASTED
NEARLY A WEEK THEN?

THOUGHT IT WAS
THE REAL THING THIS TIME.

AND WHAT DOES BORIS THINK?

OH, SHE DOESN'T
TELL BORIS.

WHAT'S THE POINT
IN HURTING BORIS?

SHE'S VERY THOUGHTFUL,
YOUR ROSE.

SHE'S GOT A GOOD HEART.

A PITY SHE HASN'T GOT
A HEAD TO MATCH.

( humming )

- PSST!
- ( humming )

PSST!

PSST--
( spits )

DEAR, GOOD MORNING!

IT'S A LOVELY DAY,
ISN'T IT?

MIND YOU, I SHAN'T
SEE MUCH OF IT.

DID I TELL YOU I WAS HAVING
THE NEW VICAR TODAY

FOR TEA AND LIGHT
REFRESHMENTS?

SEVERAL TIMES.

SHE'S PLAINLY SEETHING
WITH ENVY.

- MORNING.
- RICHARD!

I WILL NOT HAVE
YOU WAVING IN DIRTY
GARDENING GLOVES.

THEY GET DIRTY WHEN
YOU'RE GARDENING, HYACINTH.

CAN'T YOU KEEP ONE PAIR
FOR GARDENING AND ONE PAIR
FOR WAVING?

I'VE BEEN STANDING
IN THAT DOORWAY
FOR TWO MINUTES

TRYING TO ATTRACT
YOUR ATTENTION.

- I WAS WORKING.
- YOU'VE NO RIGHT
TO BE WORKING

WHEN I'M HISSING AT YOU.
I'VE GOT ROSE ON
THE TELEPHONE.

SHE'S GOING TO--
( silent )

( mimics knife )

NOT AGAIN.

- WHO IS IT THIS TIME?
- I THINK SHE SAID
A MR. HEPPLEWHITE.

THAT'S ALL RIGHT THEN.
NOBODY EVER COMMITTED SUICIDE
FOR SOMEBODY CALLED HEPPLEWHITE.

WILL YOU KEEP
YOUR VOICE DOWN,
RICHARD?

I'VE GOT ELIZABETH
IN THE KITCHEN.

I DON'T WANT
HER OVERHEARING
FAMILY SCANDAL.

I WANT YOU TO GO INSIDE
AND ENGAGE ELIZABETH
IN CONVERSATION.

I DON'T WANT
HER LISTENING

WHILE I'M TRYING
TO CALM ROSE DOWN.

NOT IN YOUR
GARDENING SHOES,
RICHARD!

GO ROUND THE BACK!

( chuckles )

YES, OF COURSE
I'M HERE, ROSE.

I'VE BEEN HERE
ALL THE TIME, DEAR.

NOW PULL YOURSELF
TOGETHER, ROSE.

WHAT CAN POSSIBLY HAPPEN
ONCE A WEEK ON WEDNESDAYS

TO MAKE MR. HEPPLEWHITE
SO NECESSARY TO YOU?

RICHARD!

ARE YOU TALKING
TO ELIZABETH?

I'M TALKING!
I'M TALKING!

ROSE, I KNOW I ASKED
THE QUESTION,

BUT I'M NOT STANDING HERE
SURROUNDED BY EXPENSIVE
WALLPAPER

TO BE GIVEN
DETAILS LIKE THAT.

IT'S NOT
AN EXCESSIVE YEAR

FOR GREEN-FLY.

WELL, THAT'S SOMETHING,
ANYWAY.

THEY ARE THERE,

BUT NOT IN EXCESS.

OH, THAT WAS ROSE.

SHE TURNS TO ME FOR ADVICE,
ALL THE FAMILY DO.

"RING HYACINTH," THEY SAY.
"SHE'LL KNOW."

IT GETS VERY WEARING.

THANK YOU, DEAR.

- ANYTHING WRONG?
- WRONG?! NO, NO!

WHY SHOULD THERE
BE ANYTHING WRONG?

NO, IT'S JUST SISTER TALK.

I LIKE WEEKLY REPORTS
ON DADDY'S CONDITION.

- HOW IS YOUR FATHER?
- OH, TRAGIC.

A BRILLIANT I.Q.
STRUGGLING WITH SENILITY.

I'D LOVE TO HAVE HIM HERE
BUT HE DROPS FOOD
EVERYWHERE.

NOW, RICHARD,
DON'T JUST SIT THERE.

WASH YOUR HANDS,
CHANGE YOUR SHOES,

THEN I WANT YOU TO GO
TO THE WHOLESOME BAKERY

WHERE YOU WILL SPEAK
TO THE MANAGER ABOUT
THEIR DELIVERY POLICY.

AND THEN YOU WILL RETURN HERE
WITH SIX SUPERIOR FRESH
CREAM CAKES.

OH, UH, WHAT ABOUT
THEIR DELIVERY POLICY?

INEPT.
POINT TO THE FOLLY
OF THEIR NOT UNDERSTANDING

CUSTOMERS OF
OUR SOCIAL STATUS.

BE SCATHING, RICHARD.

CRUSH THEM.

( electric razor
buzzing, stops )

SHOULD I WEAR A SUIT
OR SOMETHING CASUAL?

CASUAL MIGHT GIVE
THE WRONG IMPRESSION, DEAR.

IT IS SATURDAY.

EXACTLY!
NEARLY SUNDAY.

THE NEW VICAR PROBABLY
HAS HALF HIS MIND

ALREADY ON TOMORROW'S
RELIGIOUS DUTIES.

IN WHICH CASE, RICHARD,
IT SEEMS HARDLY FITTING

FOR YOU TO COME SLINKING IN,
DRESSED FOR FRIVOLITY.

FRIVOLITY?
30 YEARS MARRIED,

I CAN'T REMEMBER
A SINGLE FRIVOL.

( phone ringing )

WEAR A SUIT, DEAR.

AND ANSWER THAT,
WILL YOU?

IT'S FOR YOU,
IT'S ELIZABETH.

FROM NEXT DOOR?

GET SOMETHING ON.

YOU SHOULDN'T BE ANSWERING
THE PHONE TO LADIES
IN THAT CONDITION.

ELIZABETH!

YES, CERTAINLY I'LL GIVE YOU
THE BENEFIT OF MY OPINION.

YES, I LIKE THAT.
I'VE ALWAYS LIKED THAT.

I HAVEN'T HAD IT
ALL THAT LONG.

IT'S VERY SUITABLE, DEAR.

YOU'LL BLEND BEAUTIFULLY
INTO THE BACKGROUND.

AHH... THIS SUIT?

GOOD GRIEF, RICHARD,
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS ASK ME?

I DON'T DETERMINE
WHAT PEOPLE WEAR.

DO I TAKE IT
THAT'S A YES?

CAN'T YOU FIND
A MORE RELIGIOUS TIE?

YOU LOOK VERY NICE,
ELIZABETH.

THANK YOU, RICHARD.

YOU TOO.
VERY SMART.

CASUAL WOULD
HAVE BEEN NICE.

RICHARD!

DUTY CALLS.

FREQUENTLY.

YEAH?

BUY SOMETHING, SIR,
FROM A GYPSY WOMAN,
AND BE LUCKY.

YOU BE LUCKY.
HOW ABOUT BUYING FROM ME?

I'LL BET YOUR OLD MAN'S GOT
A LOT MORE IN HIS BACK POCKET
THAN I HAVE.

I COULD LET HIM
HAVE THAT OLD WRECK
IN THE GARDEN.

NOT THERE,
I MEAN THE CAR.

BUY SOMETHING FROM THE GYPSY,
MISSUS, AND BE LUCKY.

I DON'T KNOW WHETHER
I'VE GOT ANY CHANGE.

SHE HASN'T. I'M ABLE
TO TELL YOU THAT BECAUSE
"A," I'M PSYCHIC,

AND "B," I'M THE ONE THAT
GOES THROUGH HER POCKETS.

IT'S BAD LUCK
NOT TO BUY SOMETHING.

WHAT'RE YOU
SELLING ANYWAY?

RIBBONS
AND LUCKY CHARMS.

JUST WHAT I'VE
ALWAYS WANTED.

HAS SHE GOT ANY
LOVE POTIONS,

OR-- OPEN RAZORS?

TELL YOUR FORTUNE, LADY.

SHE KNOWS HER FORTUNE,
SHE'S BEEN MOANING
ABOUT IT ALL DAY.

WILL YOU GET OUT
OF THE DOORWAY,
ONSLOW?

LET THE GYPSY IN.

- WHERE'S SHE GOING?
- I'M NOT STANDING OUT HERE

HAVING
MY FORTUNE TOLD.

YOU'RE VERY FUSSY FOR SOMEONE
WHO'S ABOUT TO COMMIT SUICIDE.

I CAN SEE YOU'RE
TROUBLED IN LOVE.

OH RIGHT.

MAKES YOU WONDER
HOW THEY DO IT.

IT'S BAD LUCK NOT TO BUY
SOMETHING FROM A GYPSY.

BAD LUCK?

WHEN WE LIVE LIKE THIS,
HOW CAN YOU BE SCARED
OF BAD LUCK?

NOW... I THINK
WHEN THEY COME,

I'LL SIT YOU THERE,
ELIZABETH.

I'LL HAVE THE VICAR HERE,
NEXT TO ME, OF COURSE.

AND WE LEAVE THAT ONE
FOR THE VICAR'S WIFE.

AND RICHARD WILL
SIT NEXT TO HER.

RIGHT?

OH! SORRY, VICAR.

NOW, TOPICS
OF CONVERSATION.

MUST KEEP EVERYTHING
WHOLESOME.

NOTHING CONTROVERSIAL.

RICHARD, I THINK I'D
HAVE OUR HOLIDAY SNAPS
AT THE READY.

AND WHEN THEY BEGIN TO PALL,
I SHALL REGALE THE VICAR

WITH TALES OF SHERIDAN'S
ACADEMIC PROWESS.

- I HOPE THAT'S NOT
A CANCELLATION.

HE MAY HAVE BEEN
CALLED AWAY FOR A FUNERAL.

HOW INCONSIDERATE OF PEOPLE
TO DIE AT THE WEEKEND.

THE "BOUQUET" RESIDENCE,
THE LADY OF THE HOUSE SP--

NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE THREE OF 22
AND A PORTION OF 19 WITH CHIPS!

THIS IS NOT
THE CHINESE TAKE-AWAY.

THIS IS A PRIVATE, SLIMLINE,
PEARL WHITE TELEPHONE,

WITH NO ORIENTAL ASSOCIATIONS
WHATSOEVER!

THAT WAS AT MIDDLETON.

- AH.
- WRONG NUMBER.

THE CHINESE TAKEAWAY AGAIN.

WE OUGHT TO CHANGE
OUR NUMBER.

CHANGE OUR NUMBER!

I'VE WRITTEN
TO BRITISH TELECOM

INSISTING THEY CHANGE
THE CHINESE NUMBER.

I'VE TOLD THEM.
I WON'T STAND HERE LISTENING

TO PEOPLE BREATHING SOYA SAUCE
DOWN THE TELEPHONE.

- OOOH.
- I THINK I HEARD A CAR.

( car approaching )

OH NO.

YOU TELL HER.

ME? TELL HYACINTH?

ONLY TWO THINGS
WRONG WITH THAT--

ONE, SHE NEVER
LISTENS TO ANYBODY;

AND TWO, SHE CERTAINLY
NEVER LISTENS TO ME.

THAT MEANS I'LL
HAVE TO TELL HER.

SHE'S YOUR SISTER.

SHE'LL GO MAD.

THAT COULD BE
AN IMPROVEMENT.

- THEY'RE COMING IN.
- OF COURSE THEY'RE COMING IN.

- I WANT YOU TO GET THAT CAR

AWAY FROM THIS PROPERTY.

I WANT THEM AND IT
OUT OF THE AVENUE.

I JUST CAN'T
SEND THEM AWAY.

I WANT THEM OUT OF THE WAY
BEFORE THE VICAR COMES.

( doorbell rings )

HYACINTH, ISN'T THAT
YOUR DOORBELL?

OH!
( chuckles )

IT DOES THAT SOMETIMES.

IT'S PART OF A VERY EXPENSIVE
TEST SYSTEM.

YOU HAVE TO SEE THEM,
HYACINTH.

THEY CAN HAVE TWO MINUTES
ON THE DOORSTEP!

DAISY, ONSLOW,
WHAT A SURPRISE.

HOW NICE OF YOU
TO CALL ON THE WAY
TO TOWN.

- LET ME WALK YOU TO THE CAR.
- WE'RE NOT GOING TO TOWN.

NOT GOING TO TOWN
ON SUCH A PLEASANT
SATURDAY?

OF COURSE,
I'D LOVE YOU TO STAY,

BUT I'M EXPECTING
THE NEW VICAR FOR TEA
AND LIGHT REFRESHMENTS.

- YOU SHOULD HAVE TELEPHONED.
- WE TRIED TO TELEPHONE,

- BUT YOU WERE ENGAGED.
- I WAS DEALING WITH
A WRONG NUMBER.

SOME DAMN FOOL THINKS
I'M A CHINESE RESTAURANT.

TELL HER!

TELL ME WHAT?

- IT'S DAD.
- DADDY?

WHAT'S WRONG WITH DADDY?

NOT A LOT, APPARENTLY.
( laughs )

BE QUIET, ONSLOW.

TELL ME WHAT'S WRONG
WITH DADDY.

HE'S MISSING.

MISSING? OF COURSE
HE'S NOT MISSING!

I EXPECT
HE'S JUST MISLAID.

HE'S RUN OFF
WITH A GYPSY.

KEEP YOUR
VOICE DOWN!

HOW COULD HE
HAVE RUN OFF
WITH A GYPSY?

ON HIS BIKE
FOR STARTERS.

WE HAD A GYPSY
AT THE HOUSE.

SHE WAS TELLING ROSE
HER FORTUNE.

WHEN SHE LEFT--
DAD MUST HAVE FOLLOWED HER.

DADDY WITH
A GOLDEN EARRING.

IT'S UNTHINKABLE.

- SHOULD WE CALL
THE POLICE?
- NO!

NO POLICE.
WE DON'T NEED
ANY SCANDAL.

- YOU MUST GO AND FIND HIM.
- WHAT'S GOING ON, HYACINTH?

RICHARD WILL
GO WITH YOU.

IT'S DADDY.
HE'S BEEN KIDNAPPED

BY GYPSIES.

NOW, RUSH TO DADDY'S
ASSISTANCE.

I THOUGHT TRADITIONALLY
THEY ONLY KIDNAPPED CHILDREN?

BRING DADDY BACK
TO ME, RICHARD.

AS FAR AS DAISY'S,
ANYWAY.

( engine sputtering )

( sputtering continues )

( engine starts,
bangs )

( car departs )

( door opens )

- WHAT IS IT, HYACINTH?
- IT'S DADDY.

HE'S BEEN
KIDNAPPED BY GYPSIES.

OH MY GOODNESS!

WE MUST RING
THE POLICE!

NO! NO POLICE.

WE CAN'T.

DAISY'S WEARING SLIPPERS,
ONSLOW'S GOT BARE ARMS.

WHY WOULD THE GYPSIES
KIDNAP YOUR FATHER?

I EXPECT FOR RANSOM.

THEY'LL BE AFTER MY VERY
EXPENSIVE ROYAL DOULTON CHINA

WITH THE HAND-PAINTED
PERIWINKLES.

WHY WOULD HE
RUN AWAY WITH A GYPSY?

LET'S PUT IT THIS WAY,

JUST HOPE YOU CATCH HIM
BEFORE HE GETS MARRIED.

I THOUGHT
HE WAS IN BED.

I COULD HEAR
HIS TELLY.

HOW ARE YOU SUPPOSED
TO ANTICIPATE YOUR OWN FATHER

SNEAKING OUT UNDER
THE COVER OF TELEVISION
IN PURSUIT OF A GYPSY?

HAS HE ALWAYS FANCIED
THE ROMANY LIFE?

HE NEVER SAID.

- ( taps )
- WE'RE RUNNING DRY.

GOT ANY
PETROL MONEY?

I DIDN'T BRING
A PURSE.

DOWN TO YOU, DICKY.

I'VE CHANGED MY CLOTHES.

I'VE LEFT ALL MY MONEY
AT HOME.

NOW...

I WANT YOU
TO SIT HERE, VICAR.

I'VE HAD MANY A RELIGIOUS
INSPIRATION ON THAT SOFA.

OH! ( laughs )

AND IF YOUR CHARMING WIFE
WOULD LIKE TO SIT HERE,

WHERE SHE'LL BE WITHIN
EASY REACH OF MY TASTY,
HOMEMADE CANAPES.

IT'S VERY KIND OF YOU
TO INVITE US, MRS. BUCKET.

IT'S "BOUQUET," VICAR.

OH, I'M SORRY.

IT'S OF FRENCH
ORIGIN.

I BELIEVE
MY HUSBAND'S FAMILY
IN THE DISTANT PAST

WERE "HUGUENICKS"
OR SOMETHING.

NOT THAT THERE'S ANY
FRENCH BLOOD IN HIM
NOW OF COURSE.

YOU MAY REST ASSURED,
VICAR, YOU'RE QUITE SAFE,

THERE ARE NO
FRENCH HABITS HERE.

( laughing )

ELIZABETH, IF YOU COULD
PASS ROUND MY ROYAL DOULTON

WITH THE HAND-PAINTED
PERIWINKLES?

MUST I, HYACINTH?
I'M TERRIFIED OF DROPPING ONE.

IT IS LOVELY CHINA,
MRS. BUCKET.

UH-- "BOUQUET!"

IT IS SOMETHING
OF A FAMILY HEIRLOOM.

I-- LOOK, I THINK IT REALLY
WOULD BE BETTER, HYACINTH,

- IF WE ALL HELPED OURSELVES.
- YES! WE CAN DO THAT.

YES, JOLLY GOOD IDEA.

( Hyacinth stuttering )

I DID HAVE IN MIND
SOMETHING RATHER
MORE ORDERLY.

( car backfires )

IF THE ASSEMBLED COMPANY
WOULD PLEASE EXCUSE ME.

SOMETHING'S
JUST COME UP.

OOOH!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING
BACK HERE?

WHY DID YOU
BRING THEM BACK HERE?

I WANT SOME PETROL MONEY.
IT'S IN MY OTHER SUIT.

GET THEM OUT OF SIGHT!

AS SOON AS
I GET THE MONEY.

WHY DON'T YOU--
GET IN THE CAR, ONSLOW?

I'M SURE IT'S GOING TO RAIN.

YES, THERE IT IS.
I CAN FEEL IT NOW. RAIN.

CAN'T FEEL A THING.

ANY MINUTE NOW--
THERE IT IS.

RAIN.

IF WE CAN'T FIND DAD,

WE'LL HAVE TO RING
THE POLICE.

I WILL NOT HAVE
THIS FAMILY INVOLVED
WITH THE POLICE.

HEY, THEY'RE ALL RIGHT
WHEN YOU GET TO KNOW THEM.

TO KNOW THEM!

ISN'T THAT OUR ROSE?

OH MY GOD.

- WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN BLACK?
- I'M IN MOURNING.

- WHO FOR?
- FOR ME!

NOBODY ELSE WILL.

( sniffles )
MR. HEPPLEWHITE DOESN'T CARE.

ROSE, WHAT ARE YOU
DOING HERE?

I'VE COME FOR MOMMY'S
WEDDING DRESS!

- I'VE TOLD YOU,
YOU CAN'T HAVE--
- IT WON'T FIT YOU ANYWAY.

IT'LL DO TO BE BURIED IN.

YOU CAN'T GO IN THERE.
THE VICAR'S IN THERE.

OH GREAT! HE CAN READ ME
THE BURIAL SERVICE!

OH NO!

WHO'S FUNERAL
IS SHE GOING TO?

SOMEBODY SHE'S
VERY CLOSE TO.

( door opens, slams )

YOU CAN'T JUST BURST IN.
THEY'RE HAVING TEA AND LIGHT
REFRESHMENTS.

YOU CAN'T BEGRUDGE A PERSON
A VICAR WHEN THEY'RE ON
THE BRINK OF THE GRAVE!

YOU'RE NOT ON THE BRINK,
YOU'VE HARDLY SET FOOT
IN THE CEMETERY.

HAVE YOU ANY IDEA OF THE LOVE
I BEAR FOR MR. HEPPLEWHITE?

YOU'RE DROPPING PETALS
ON MY LACQUERED WOODBLOCK.

THIS IS THE LAST TIME
I SHALL INCONVENIENCE YOU.

DON'T TRY AND STOP ME!

IT'S CRUEL TO ASK ME
TO LIVE WITH A BROKEN HEART!

ROSE!

- HE'S VERY YOUNG!
- YOU--

YOU NEVER SAID
HE WAS YOUNG.

- YEAH, I-- ROSE!
- IT'S VERY WICKED
OF YOU, HYACINTH.

- KEEPING HIM
ALL TO YOURSELF.
- ROSE!

( phone ringing )

THE "BOUQUET" RESIDENCE,
THE LADY OF THE HOUSE--

OH, SHERIDAN, HOW WONDERFUL
TO HEAR YOUR VOICE, DEAR!

WHAT A CLOSE PSYCHIC BOND
BETWEEN YOU AND I.

?50?

WHY DO YOU NEED ?50,
DEAR?

WHY DO YOU WANT
CURTAIN MATERIAL?

A FLAT? WHOSE FLAT?

SHERIDAN, YOU'RE NOT MOVING IN
WITH SOME DESIGNING FEMALE.

OH, IT'S NOT A GIRL'S FLAT,
IT'S A BOY'S FLAT.

AND YOU'RE MAKING
YOUR OWN CURTAINS?
HOW INVENTIVE, DEAR.

YOUR FRIEND ALWAYS MAKES
HIS OWN CURTAINS. I SEE.

( engine sputtering )

DON'T WORRY.

- BLOODY THING.

YOU SHOULDN'T BE MUTTERING
THINGS LIKE THAT, ONSLOW.

NOT WITH A VICAR
IN THE VICINITY.

BY ALL MEANS SEND ME
A SAMPLE OF HIS EMBROIDERY.

IT'S A LIFELINE
FINDING SOMEONE
YOU CAN CONFIDE IN.

- ROSE. ROSE!
- WHAT A PITY YOU
DON'T DO CONFESSIONS.

YOU COULD HAVE A BALL
WITH MINE.

ROSE, WHERE ARE YOU
GOING WITH THE VICAR?

SHERIDAN, DEAR, WILL YOU
HOLD JUST A MOMENT?

I'M SURE SHE'S NOT GOING AT HIM.
SHE JUST NEEDS A SHOULDER
TO CRY ON.

SHE DIDN'T LOOK AS THOUGH
SHE WAS ABOUT TO CRY TO ME!

SHE WAS DOING EVERYTHING
BUT BITE HIS NECK.

SHE'S VERY
EMOTIONAL, DEAR.

THINK OF IT AS
A HORMONE IMBALANCE.

WE DO-- WE ALWAYS THINK OF IT
AS A HORMONE IMBALANCE!

IT'S VERY KIND OF THE VICAR.
HE MAY HAVE SAVED MY SISTER
FROM A DESPERATE ACT!

WHERE'S MY HUSBAND?
WHICH WAY DID HE GO?
WHERE'S MY HUSBAND?

- REALLY, I MUST STAY.
- OH, BY THE WAY!

DAD'S COME BACK
WITH A STACK OF RIBBONS
AND LUCKY CHARMS.

COME ON.

WHERE IS HE GOING?
WHERE IS SHE TAKING HIM?

- WHERE IS HE GOING?
- HE'S PROBABLY BETTER OFF
DOWN THERE

THAN LISTENING
TO WHAT ONSLOW'S
SAYING.

( horn blowing )

DO FEEL FREE TO POP IN
AT ANY TIME, DEAR.

THERE'LL ALWAYS BE A WELCOME
FOR YOU AT THE "BOUQUETS'."

WHAT A DISASTER TO MY TEA
AND LIGHT REFRESHMENTS.

I COULD MURDER SOME
LIGHT REFRESHMENTS.

IF IT WASN'T
FOR SHERIDAN'S GOOD NEWS,

I DON'T KNOW WHAT
THIS DAY WOULD HAVE BEEN.

GOOD NEWS FROM SHERIDAN?

HE'S MOVED IN WITH A VERY
SUITABLE FRIEND.

THEY'RE MAKING
THEIR OWN CURTAINS.

APPARENTLY HIS FRIEND'S
VERY GOOD WITH A NEEDLE.

HE HAS PRIZES
FOR EMBROIDERY.

YOU BETTER COME IN AND HAVE
SOME TEA AND LIGHT REFRESHMENTS.

ONSLOW...

BEFORE YOU COME IN,

JUST SHIFT THIS WRECK NEXT DOOR,
WILL YOU, DEAR?

"PRIZES FOR EMBROIDERY"?

LET'S MOVE THE CAR,
SHALL WE, ONSLOW?

( theme music playing )