Keeping Up Appearances (1990–1995): Season 1, Episode 1 - Daddy's Accident - full transcript

( theme music playing )

( dog barking )

( siren blaring )

WE'RE GOING TO HAVE
TO TELL OUR HYACINTH.

OH, GOD.
NOT TONIGHT.

TOMORROW MORNING.
I COULDN'T FACE HYACINTH.
NOT TONIGHT.

NOW, LADIES.

- YOU'RE NEW.
- ONLY AROUND HERE, LADY.

- HAVE YOU NOTHING
FOR THIS ADDRESS?
- SORRY.

I'D BE GREATLY OBLIGED
IF YOU'D MAKE QUITE SURE.

THERE'S USUALLY SOMETHING
FOR A MRS. RICHARD BOUQUET.



- HOW DO YOU
SPELL "BOUQUET"?
- B-U-C-K-E-T.

WHAT?

B-U-C-K-E-T.

OH, BUCKET.

IT'S "BOUQUET."

I'M SORRY LADY.
THERE'S NOTHING HERE
FOR "BOUQUET."

NOTHING?
FOR THIS ADDRESS?

YET YOU HAVE SOMETHING
FOR NEXT DOOR?

I FIND THAT VERY STRANGE.

I CAN'T HELP THAT,
LADY.

BUT PEOPLE WILL
TELL YOU,

IT'S COMMON KNOWLEDGE
I RECEIVE MORE MAIL
THAN THESE NEXT DOOR.

THERE MUST BE A CARD
FROM MY SISTER
IN TENERIFE.

SHE'S BACK HOME,
BUT WE'RE STILL WAITING
FOR THE CARD.



ANYTHING WRONG,
HYACINTH?

HE'S MISLAID MY LETTERS
AT THE SORTING OFFICE.

THIS WOULD NEVER HAVE HAPPENED
WITH MY FORMER POSTMAN.

YOU WILL REMEMBER,
ELIZABETH,

THAT YOU'RE INVITED THIS EVENING
TO MY CANDLELIGHT SUPPER?

IT'S ENGRAVED ON
MY MIND, HYACINTH.

TELEPHONE, DEAR.
YOU'RE WANTED ON
THE PHONE.

I THINK IT'S URGENT.

I'M NOT OFFERING AN OPINION.
THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID, URGENT.

PLEASE DON'T SHOUT
IN THAT EXCITABLE MANNER
OUTDOORS, RICHARD.

I DON'T LIKE YOU GETTING
EXCITED OUTDOORS.

( dog barks )

MORNING, MAJOR.

BY GOD, WOMAN.

YOU COULD DRIVE A MAN MAD
LOOKING SO ATTRACTIVE

SO EARLY IN THE DAY.

OH, MAJOR.

YOU'LL NOT FORGET
MY LITTLE CANDLELIGHT
SUPPER THIS EVENING?

19:30 HOURS.

I'LL BE THERE,
YOU MINX.

YOU CAN ALWAYS TELL
BREEDING.

THE PHONE, HYACINTH.
IT THINK IT'S URGENT.

IT'S ABOUT YOUR FATHER.

WE'RE GOING TO HAVE
TO EMULSION THIS CEILING.

WE'VE JUST DONE IT.

IT'S NOT A FIT CEILING
TO BRING A MAJOR UNDER.

IT'S YOUR SISTER, DAISY.

SHE'S NOT COMING,
IS SHE?

NOT IN THAT AWFUL COAT.

AND HE'S NOT BRINGING HER.
NOT IN THAT RUST BUCKET
OF A CAR.

- I WILL NOT HAVE THEM--
- I THINK IT'S URGENT.

IT'S SO THOUGHTLESS
TO LOOK AS POOR
AS THEY DO.

DAISY, HOW ARE YOU, DEAR?

DADDY ILL?
HOW ILL?

IS IT OF A SEVERITY
NECESSARY TO CANCEL
MY CANDLELIGHT SUPPER?

WHAT WAS HE DOING
AT HIS AGE ON A BICYCLE?

OH MY GOD.

HOW MUCH TO DRINK?

YES, HYACINTH.

WHAT DID SHE SAY?

SHE SAYS NOT TO GO
OVER TO HER PLACE.
SHE'S COMING HERE.

THAT'S ALL WE NEED,
A ROYAL VISIT.

I WAS HOPING SHE'D GO
STRAIGHT TO THE HOSPITAL.

THEY WON'T LET ANYBODY IN
UNTIL VISITING TIME.

DON'T YOU REMEMBER
WHEN I WAS IN

HAVING THAT BREAKDOWN
ON ACCOUNT OF MR. CRABTREE?

WHAT EVER HAPPENED
TO MR. CRABTREE?

I SWORE I'D
NEVER SEE HIM AGAIN.

AND FOR A WHILE
I CUT IT BACK RUTHLESSLY
TO EVERY OTHER TUESDAY.

DOES BORIS KNOW ABOUT
YOU STILL SEEING
MR. CRABTREE?

OF COURSE HE DOESN'T.
DO YOU THINK I'M STUPID?

I DON'T KNOW
HOW YOU KEEP
THE PACE UP, ROSE.

IT'S NOT EASY.

IF YOU RELAX FOR A MINUTE
THEY'RE GOING BACK
TO THEIR WIVES.

I ENVY YOU, DAISY.

ME?

IT MUST BE WONDERFUL
BEING MARRIED TO A BUM
LIKE YOUR ONSLOW.

SO YOU CAN LET
YOURSELF GO COMPLETELY.

I WOULDN'T SAY COMPLETELY.

NEAR ENOUGH,
COMPLETELY.

GET A SHIRT ON, ONSLOW.
HYACINTH'S COMING.

HOW NICE.

SHE'S GOING TO WANT
TO KNOW EXACTLY
WHAT HAPPENED.

YOU'LL HAVE TO TELL HER.

I DON'T SEE WHY
I SHOULD HAVE
TO TELL HER.

YOU'LL HAVE
TO TELL HER BECAUSE...

I'LL BE TOO BUSY
TIDYING UP.

I HATE TIDYING UP.

I'M UNDER THE DOCTOR
FOR BEING DIZZY.

I'M SURE IT'S TIDYING UP.

IF YOU ONLY GOT DIZZY
WHEN YOU TIDIED UP

YOU SHOULD HAVE
THE CLEAREST HEAD
IN THE AREA.

YOU'RE GOING TO PARK
IN THE TURNING AREA?

THERE'S NO ROOM
IN FRONT OF THE HOUSE,
IT BLOCKS THE ROAD.

HOWEVER, I'M GAME
IF YOU ARE, IF YOU WANT
TO BLOCK THE ROAD.

IT'S JUST THAT I WISH
YOU WOULD CONSULT ME.

I DON'T LIKE YOU MAKING
DECISIONS UNILATERALLY.

WOULD YOU LIKE ME
TO LOCK THE CAR?

I THINK SO.
DON'T YOU?

WE'RE PRACTICALLY
IN BEIRUT.

ONSLOW.

( whistling )

DICKY.
HYACINTH.

WHY DO YOU LET HIM
CALL YOU "DICKY"?

HOW CAN I HELP IT
IF HE CALLS ME "DICKY"?

( Onslow whistling )

QUEEN MOTHER'S OUTSIDE.

GIVE US A HAND, ROSE.

I'M EXPECTING A CALL.

I GAVE BORIS THIS NUMBER.
THE SWINE PROMISED HE'D RING.

LEAVE--
LEAVE IT.

( car squeaks )

- RICHARD!
- NOW WHAT?

YOU SHOULDN'T BE
STRETCHING YOUR LEGS
LIKE THAT AT YOUR AGE.

IT'S NOT FITTING
IN BROAD DAYLIGHT,

IN FRONT
OF PRYING EYES.

( gunfire, yelling on TV )

( can opens )

Daisy:
HERE WE ARE THEN.

THANKS, DAISY.

DRINK UP.

TELL ME WHAT'S HAPPENED.

DAD'S NOT BEEN--
WELL LATELY.

WHY WASN'T I INFORMED?

IT'S NOT BEEN
THE KIND OF "NOT WELL"

YOU'D WANT TO BE
INFORMED ABOUT.

WHAT KIND HAS IT BEEN?

IT'S A BIT EMBARRASSING.

EMBARRASSING?
DADDY?

- HE'S A DIRTY OLD MAN.
- SHUT UP, ONSLOW.

RICHARD, GO AND KEEP
AN EYE ON THE CAR.

I THINK I'LL GO
AND KEEP AN EYE
ON THE CAR.

WHAT DOES ONSLOW MEAN?

HE MEANS...

DAD'S TAKEN TO GOING OUT
AT NIGHT ON HIS OWN LATELY.

IN THE NAUGHTY.
( laughs)

( cup clangs )

BUT--
BUT, BUT--

WHY WOULD FATHER BE
IN THE NUDE?

HE'S IN LOVE
WITH THE MILKWOMAN.

DON'T BE SO RIDICULOUS.

YOU'D HAVE THOUGHT SO IF YOU'D
SEEN HIM PEDDLING AFTER HER

STARK NAKED ON HIS BIKE.

HE CHASED HER FOR A MILE,
DOWN BY THE CANAL.

BUT THE MILKWOMAN DOESN'T GO
ANYWHERE NEAR THE CANAL,
DOES SHE?

SHE DID LAST NIGHT.

HE CAUGHT HER
ON HER WAY TO BINGO.

WELL...

YOU KNOW HOW FOND HE IS
OF DAIRY PRODUCTS.

I EXPECT HE WANTED
TO ORDER EXTRA CREAM.

WHY WOULD YOUR FATHER
HAVE BEEN NAKED?

I DON'T BELIEVE IT.

AND KEEP YOUR VOICE DOWN.

IT'S BAD ENOUGH
WITH HIS CLOTHES ON.

DADDY WOULD NEVER
BE NAKED.

WHY WOULD DADDY BE NAKED
WHEN HE'S GOT HIS NAME DOWN

FOR A NICE
OLD PERSON'S BUNGALOW?

THIS WAY, MRS. BUCKET.

IT'S "BOUQUET."

HOW ARE YOU FEELING
MR. OXLEY?

( chuckles )
BETTER THAN HIM.

DADDY.

I'M AFRAID HE WON'T BE AWARE
OF VERY MUCH, MRS. BUCKET--

"BOUQUET."

HE'S QUITE COMFORTABLE
BUT HEAVILY SEDATED.

OH, DADDY.

SHOULD HE BE IN A WARD
WITH A PERSON WHO WEARS
HIS HAT IN BED?

I'LL LEAVE YOU
WITH YOUR FATHER.

DOCTOR...

WHAT CONDITION WAS MY FATHER
IN WHEN HE WAS ADMITTED?

DRUNK AS A SKUNK.

I EXPECT HE WAS FLUSHED
FROM EXCESSIVE CYCLING.

CAN YOU DESCRIBE
WHAT HE WAS WEARING,
DOCTOR?

VERY QUICKLY.

VERY LITTLE, REALLY.

TO BE HONEST...
NOTHING AT ALL.

THERE MUST BE
SOME MISTAKE.

THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT.
IT WAS QUITE
A CHILLY EVENING.

HE'D BEEN IN THE CANAL.

HE WAS THAT PLASTERED,
HE WOBBLED OFF INTO THE CANAL.

THAT EXPLAINS IT.

MY FATHER WAS CYCLING
ALONG THE CANAL

WHEN HE SAW
SOMEONE IN DISTRESS,

SO HE REMOVED
HIS OUTER GARMENTS

AND DIVED IN TO SAVE THEM.
OH, BRAVE DADDY.

VERY COMMENDABLE.

HE MUST'VE REMOVED MORE
THAN HIS OUTER GARMENTS,
MRS. BUCKET.

"BOUQUET."

WHEN HE WAS PULLED OUT
HE WAS ABSOLUTELY NAKED.

POLLUTION.

WHAT HE'D BEEN WEARING WAS
OBVIOUSLY DISSOLVED
BY THE POLLUTION.

IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME,
I MUST ATTEND TO MY
OTHER PATIENTS.

WHY IS HE SEDATED
AFTER SUCH A PLUCKY ACT?

HE WAS HIGHLY EXCITED,
AND THEN OF COURSE
THERE WAS THE INJURY.

FROM THE MILK BOTTLE?
POOR LAMB.

WHERE IS THE INJURY?
YOU MAY TELL ME THE WORST.

- UH, MRS.--
- I DEMAND TO BE SHOWN

THE EXTENT
OF HIS INJURIES.

VERY WELL.

WHERE IS THE INJURY?

NEVER YOU MIND.

HOW ARE THINGS?

I'M TOO DISTRESSED
AT THE MOMENT, ELIZABETH.

MY FATHER IS RECOVERING
FROM INJURIES SUSTAINED

IN THE COURSE
OF A VERY PLUCKY ACTION...

WHICH HE MODESTLY
FORBIDS ME TO DISCUSS.

OH, WELL, IS THERE
ANYTHING I--

JUST GIVE ME TIME
TO RECOVER MY COMPOSURE,

AND THEN COME AND TAKE TEA
WITH ME AT 3:25.

3:25?
NOT 27?

( doorbell rings )

OH, IT'S YOU, ELIZABETH!

A TINY BIT EARLY, PERHAPS,
BUT DO COME IN.

I THOUGHT IT WAS 3:25.

- NOT QUITE, DEAR.
- MY WATCH SAYS 3:25.

OH, THAT WATCH, YES.
I EXPECT IT WOULD.

SHALL WE GO THROUGH
TO THE KITCHEN?

I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU WON'T
LET ME THROUGH YOUR BACK DOOR.

I THINK IT'S SO COMMON,
DON'T YOU, USING BACK DOORS?

NO, THE PROPER WAY
FOR MY GUESTS,
I ALWAYS FEEL,

IS THROUGH
THE FRONT DOOR.

AND THEN STRAIGHT
INTO THE KITCHEN?

WELL, YES.

UNLESS, OF COURSE,
IT'S SOMEONE SPECIAL.

NOW I KNOW YOU'RE SAYING
TO YOURSELF,

"HOW IS SHE
BEING SO BRAVE?"

WELL, YES, I AM BRAVE.

MY FATHER WOULD WISH IT.

I ADMIT I MISS MY SHERIDAN
AT TIMES LIKE THESE.

HE'S SUCH A COMFORT TO HIS
MOTHER AS WELL AS BEING
TERRIBLY GIFTED.

DO SIT DOWN, ELIZABETH.
MAKE YOURSELF AT HOME.

OH, NOT THERE, DEAR.
I LIKE TO FACE THE WINDOW.

LEMON?

W--

MY WORD,

DOESN'T SOMEONE LOOK SMARTER
THAN SHE DID EARLIER?

SOMETHING NEW, DEAR?

NO, NO,
I'VE HAD IT AGES.

OH, YES.
I CAN SEE YOU HAVE NOW.

I THOUGHT WE'D HAVE
THE NICER CHINA.

OH, THANK YOU,
HYACINTH.

THEY'RE SOMETHING
OF A FAMILY HEIRLOOM.

OH, GOD, DON'T GIVE ME
ANYTHING SPECIAL.

YOU WILL BE CAREFUL,
WON'T YOU, DEAR?

BISCUIT?

( cup rattles )
THANK YOU, HYACINTH.

I USED TO HAVE SIX OF THESE
UNTIL ONE FELL INTO THE HANDS

OF MY BROTHER-IN-LAW ONSLOW
ONE CHRISTMAS.

I COULD'VE KILLED HIM.

OF COURSE, ONE CAN'T MAKE
A FUSS ON FESTIVE OCCASIONS,

BUT HE CERTAINLY GOT
THE SHORT END OF THE TURKEY,
I CAN TELL YOU.

DID THEY TELL YOU WHAT
WAS WRONG WITH YOUR FATHER?

SOMETHING MILDLY
EMBARRASSING.

ONE OF THOSE MINOR
GERIATRIC COMPLAINTS.

I COULDN'T CATCH
THE MEDICAL TERMINOLOGY.

OH.

- AAAH!

NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE
A NUMBER 24,

NOR A DOUBLE PORTION
OF 37.

THIS ISN'T
THE CHINESE TAKE-AWAY.

THIS IS A PRIVATE
SLIMLINE WHITE TELEPHONE

WITH NO CONNECTION
WHATSOEVER

TO ANY BUSINESS OR TRADE--

ESPECIALLY NOT ONE
OF FOREIGN EXTRACTION.

OH, HYACINTH,
I'M SO SORRY.

NOW DO STOP
WORRYING, DEAR.

WE'RE NOT GOING TO FALL OUT
OVER A CUP AND SAUCER,

EVEN A VERY OLD,
IRREPLACABLE CUP AND SAUCER.

OH, IT WOULD
HAPPEN TO ME.

BELIEVE ME,
I DO UNDERSTAND.

IT CAN'T BE EASY TO BE DAINTY
WHEN YOU'RE ALL THUMBS.

THERE, I THINK
THAT WILL DO

UNTIL I CAN AFFORD
A LITTLE MORE TIME.

- OH, DEAR.
- WE'RE NOT GOING
TO WORRY ANYMORE

ABOUT A BIT
OF EXPENSIVE CARPET

AND A CUP THAT'S
BEEN AROUND FOR AGES.

WHICH REMINDS ME,
DID YOU SOIL
YOUR DRESS, DEAR?

OH, NO!
NO, NO.

NO, SURPRISING IT DIDN'T.
I'M FINE.

THAT'S AMAZING.

- WOULD YOU LIKE ANOTHER
CUP OF EARL GREY?
- NO! THANK YOU.

- IN A BEAKER, PERHAPS?
- NO, NOTHING. THANK YOU, NO.

WELL, IT'S ALL OVER NOW.

ALL OVER EVERYWHERE.

DO SIT DOWN AGAIN,
ELIZABETH.

HAVE YOU HEARD
FROM GAIL RECENTLY?

YES, SHE RANG
AT THE WEEKEND.

THAT'S NICE.
I THINK A DAUGHTER
ALWAYS SHOULD.

GAIL'S VERY GOOD
THAT WAY.

SO'S MY SHERIDAN.

I TREMBLE TO THINK
SOMETIMES

WHAT HE SPENDS
ON PHONE CALLS
TO HIS MOTHER.

NOT THAT HE CAN'T
AFFORD IT, OF COURSE.

THEY GAVE HIM A VERY GOOD
GRANT AT THE POLY, YOU KNOW,

TO STOP HIM BEING TEMPTED
BY OXFORD OR CAMBRIDGE.

GAIL'S STUDYING HARD.

WELL, IT'S A STRUGGLE,
ISN'T IT,

WHEN THEY'RE NOT
ACADEMICALLY GIFTED?

OUR GAIL IS
ACADEMICALLY GIFTED.

IS SHE?

OH, WONDER WHO I CAN BE
CONFUSING HER WITH?

PERHAPS IT'S THAT BOY
SHE'S LIVING SO OPENLY

AND UNASHAMEDLY
UNMARRIED WITH.

I HARDLY THINK SO.

HAROLD IS A VERY NICE BOY
WITH A FIRST-CLASS BRAIN.

- IS HE?
- YES, HE IS, HYACINTH,
I CAN ASSURE YOU.

YOU'D NEVER KNOW
TO LOOK AT HIM, WOULD YOU?

( phone ringing )

I HOPE THAT'S NOT DADDY
GOING SEPTIC.

THE "BOUQUET" RESIDENCE,
THE LADY OF THE HOUSE
SPEAKING.

OH, IT'S YOU, VIOLET.

IT'S MY SISTER, VIOLET.

THE ONE WHO MARRIED
THE TURF-ACCOUNTANT.

HE BUILT THAT BIG HOUSE
WITH ROOM FOR A SAUNA
AND A PONY.

YOU'VE HEARD ME SPEAK
ABOUT VIOLET.

FREQUENTLY.

SLOW DOWN, VIOLET, DEAR.
YOU SOUND VERY EXCITED.

I KNOW IT'S BEEN
A SHOCK ABOUT DADDY.

WHAT ARE YOU
EXCITED ABOUT?

VIOLET, THAT'S NOT A WORD
I EVER EXPECTED

TO HEAR YOU USE
ON A TELEPHONE.

BRUCE?

WHAT ABOUT BRUCE?

I DON--

OH, D--

WELL, I'VE NEVER LIKED HIM
WHOLEHEARTEDLY

ON ACCOUNT OF THOSE
ICE CUBES HE SERVES

IN THE SHAPE
OF NAKED LADIES.

WHY SHOULDN'T HE
BUY A WHIP?

I EXPECT HE GOT IT
FROM A JOCKEY.

WHAT DOES HE USE IT FOR?

VIOLET,

WOULD YOU RING BACK, DEAR?

NO, NO.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

I'LL STAY ON THE PHONE.

- HOLD ON.

THERE'S A PERSON
AT THE FRONT DOOR.

ELIZABETH, WOULD YOU SEE
TO THAT FOR ME, DEAR?

KINDLY INFORM WHOEVER IT IS
THAT I AM AT HOME

AND THAT I WILL
RECEIVE THEM MOMENTARILY.

NO, DEAR, IT'S ELIZABETH
FROM NEXT DOOR.

THAT'S RIGHT,
THE ONE WHO'S ALL THUMBS.

YOU MET HER ONCE AT ONE
OF MY CANDLELIGHT SUPPERS.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN
YOU COULDN'T SEE ANYBODY?

OH, YES,
SHE'S FINE.

SHE'S JUST BROKEN
ONE OF GRANDMOTHER'S CUPS.

IT'S A SECURITY LATCH.
THERE'S A LITTLE BUTTON.

RICHARD HAD IT INSTALLED...

TO PROTECT ME
FROM ANYONE DESPERATE.

THEY WOULD HAVE TO BE.

AH, ELECTRIC.

- HAVE YOU BEEN NEXT DOOR?
- YES, THERE'S NOBODY IN.

I KNOW, I'M HERE.

- I'VE LEFT YOU A CARD.
- OH.

IT'S THE ELECTRIC MAN
TO READ YOUR METER.

IS IT THE ONE
WITH THE FUNNY MUSTACHE?

TELL HER YES.

HE SAYS YES.

MAKE HIM WAIT THERE
TILL I'VE LOOKED AT HIS FEET.

VIOLET,
I HAVE TO GO, DEAR.

I'VE GOT THE ELECTRIC.

OH MY GOODNESS.

I'M SO SORRY.

I'VE BEEN THINKING
ABOUT MY SISTER.

SHE SEEMS TO HAVE HAD
A RATHER ACTIVE HOLIDAY.

OH, THE SHOES.

YOU REMEMBERED
OUR PROCEDURE
FROM LAST TIME.

VERY WELL.

LEAVE THEM OUTSIDE
AND DO COME IN.

THANK YOU, DEAR.

YOU'RE A GREAT IMPROVEMENT
ON THE ONE I HAD BEFORE.

HE USED TO BRUSH
AGAINST MY WALLS.

OF COURSE I RANG
HIS SUPERIORS.

I SAID I WILL NOT HAVE
ELECTRIC MEN BRUSHING
AGAINST MY WALLS.

ELIZABETH,
CLOSE THE DOOR, DEAR.
THE HEAT'S ON.

- AH!
- OH!

FINGERS.

8321.

CORRECT.

IS YOUR ELECTRIC
AS CLEAN AS IT WAS,
DO YOU THINK?

MY HOPS?? ARE SOMETIMES
VERY DIFFICULT TO CLEAN.

CLEANEST FUEL
THERE IS.

IT GOES TO SOME
VERY FUNNY FAMILIES.

WOULD YOU HAVE MINE CHECKED
TO MAKE QUITE SURE
I GET IT FIRST?

LEAVE IT WITH ME, LADY.

BECAUSE I WON'T HAVE IT
IF IT'S ALREADY BEEN TO SOME
OF THOSE OTHER PLACES.

RIGHT-O, MADAM.

MUCH OBLIGED.

IT'S ONLY ME.

SHOULDN'T THAT BE,
"IT'S ONLY I," DEAR?

ESPECIALLY WHEN
YOU'RE SHOUTING IT WHERE
THE NEIGHBORS CAN HEAR.

I'M NOT SURE.

NEITHER AM I,
SO YOU MUST BE CAREFUL.

HOW'S YOUR FATHER?

I RANG,
THE WARD SISTER
ANSWERED.

SHE SAYS HE'S SITTING UP
AND BEGINNING TO TAKE
AN INTEREST...

- THAT'S GOOD.
- ...IN THE PHYSIOTHERAPIST.

HE THINKS HE'S IN LOVE
WITH THE PHYSIOTHERAPIST.

IT'S PROBABLY
JUST THE DRUGS.

AND THAT SWINE BRUCE
WANTS MY SISTER TO WEAR
SOME AWFUL LEATHER OUTFIT.

OH, IS HE GOING
TO TAKE HER MOTORCYCLING?

NO, IT'S NOT MOTORCYCLING.

IT'S SOMETHING
HE PICKED UP IN SPAIN.

WHAT, BULLFIGHTING?

NO, I DON'T THINK
IT'S THAT EITHER.

ANYWAY, DEAR,
ENOUGH OF MY PROBLEMS.

- DID YOU MANAGE
TO GET THE PARSLEY?
- YES, IN THE KITCHEN.

- YOU'LL NEVER GUESS
WHO I BUMPED INTO.
- GOOD.

WOULD YOU POLISH
THOSE GLASSES FOR ME, DEAR,

AND THEN GIVE ME A HAND
WITH BUFFING UP THE CRUET?

( phone ringing )

SHERIDAN.

HOW SENSITIVE OF YOU
TO CALL, DEAR.

WHAT A CLOSE PSYCHIC LINK
WE HAVE, YOU AND I.

WHAT DOES HE WANT?

WANTSANYTHING.

HE'S JUST RINGING
HIS MOTHER.

YOU NEED HOW MUCH,
SHERIDAN?

FOR WHAT?

YOU'VE JOINED
AN ORGANIZATION.

THAT'S NICE, DEAR,
MAKING FRIENDS.

WHAT KIND
OF AN ORGANIZATION?

IS IT LIKE A CLUB,
A GOLF CLUB?

NOT A GOLF CLUB. I SEE.
JUST A GROUP OF FRIENDS.

YOU CALL YOURSELVES
WHAT, DEAR?

"THE SWORD OF THE PEOPLE"?
DO BE CAREFUL, SHERIDAN.

MAKE SURE THEY'RE NOT
TOO SHARP.

ALWAYS WEAR A MASK.

YOU DO WEAR MASKS?
OH, THAT'S VERY SENSIBLE.

YOU'LL PAY
DADDY BACK WHEN?

WHEN YOU'VE ROBBED
YOUR FIRST BANK? SHERIDAN!

LOOK, DEAR,

COULDN'T YOU FIND SOME NICE
PHILATELIC SOCIETY TO JOIN?

NO, WE WILL NOT
SEND A CHECK.

RICHARD, THAT'S SHERIDAN
ON THE PHONE--

- OHH.

NOW LISTEN, SHERIDAN,
YOU'VE UPSET YOUR FATHER.

OH, MAJOR, I'M SO SORRY.

I WAS EXPECTING
ANOTHER CALL.

YES.

OH, YES,
MY CANDLELIGHT SUPPER
IS STILL ON.

OH, IT'S BEEN A FUNNY DAY,
BUT WE HAVE TO PRESS ON.

WOULD I LIKE SOME FLOWERS
FROM YOUR CONSERVATORY?

HOW VERY KIND.

YES, I'LL POP ALONG NOW.

THAT'S VERY CIVILIZED
OF YOU, MAJOR. BYE.

WHAT ABOUT SHERIDAN?

DON'T SEND HIM
ANY MONEY.

OH, ISN'T THIS DELIGHTFUL?

THIS IS SO KIND OF YOU.

I'VE CUT SOME
PRIME BLOOMS FOR YOU.

OH, LOVELY.

OH, YOU GREW THEM
ALL YOURSELF.

ESPECIALLY FOR YOU.

OH...

I MUST RUSH.
I'VE LEFT THE OVEN ON.

Hyacinth:
I DIDN'T KNOW
YOU WERE SO ATHLETIC.

- AAAH. OOH.
- OOH!

WHAT'S WRONG NOW?

NOTHING IS WRONG.

AS FAR AS ANYONE IS CONCERNED,
NOTHING IS WRONG.

WE'RE GOING TO HAVE
A CANDLELIGHT SUPPER.

IT'S GOING TO BE
THE USUAL SUCCESS.

I SEE NO REASON

FOR TRAILING OUR PROBLEMS
IN FRONT OF OUR FRIENDS.

IS THE MAJOR COMING?

YES, RICHARD,

I DO BELIEVE THE MAJOR
WILL BE COMING.

AND IT'S A GOOD JOB
HE IS A MAJOR.

IF HE WAS A SERGEANT
HE WOULDN'T GET A FOOT
PAST THE DOOR.

( theme music playing )