Keeping Up Appearances (1990–1995): Season 1, Episode 3 - Episode Three - full transcript

( theme music playing )

OF COURSE
I OUGHT TO VISIT DADDY.

OH REALLY?

IT'S MY DUTY
TO VISIT DADDY.

I SUPPOSE IT IS.

AND HAVE YOU EVER
KNOWN ME SHIRK MY DUTY?

NOT A SINGLE SHIRK.

LIFE IS FULL
OF RESPONSIBILITIES.

IT'S NOT THAT I MIND
VISITING DADDY,

OF COURSE NOT.

IT'S JUST
THAT HE'S SURROUNDED



BY SUCH
IMPOSSIBLE PEOPLE.

WELL, THEY'RE
YOUR FAMILY, HYACINTH.

THERE ARE BLACK SHEEP

IN THE BEST
REGULATED FAMILIES.

GETTING READY
FOR INSPECTION,
RICHARD?

HELLO, LIZ.
YES.

HYACINTH FANCIES
A RUN IN THE COUNTRY.

I DON'T SUPPOSE YOU'D
LIKE TO MAKE UP A THREESOME.

NO! THANK YOU,
BUT I'M GOING TO BE
VERY BUSY.

VERY KIND
OF YOU TO ASK.

- GOOD MORNING, ELIZABETH.
- MORNING, HYACINTH.

HOW RELAXED
AND CASUAL YOU LOOK.

PERHAPS I OUGHT TO BE
GARDENING, TOO,

BUT RICHARD INSISTS
ON TAKING ME ON AN OUTING



SOMEWHERE IN THE COUNTRY,
SOMEWHERE EDUCATIONAL,
NATURALLY--

SOAK UP A LITTLE CULTURE.
I FEEL I OWE IT TO SHERIDAN.

- WELL, HAVE A NICE TIME.
- THERE'S PLENTY OF ROOM,
IF YOU'D CARE TO--

NO!
THANK YOU.

I THINK I BETTER WAIT HERE
IN CASE MY HUSBAND TELEPHONES.

IT'S NICE WHEN THEY
TELEPHONE, ISN'T IT?

RICHARD ALWAYS TELEPHONES ME
WHEN HE'S AWAY

AND SHERIDAN RINGS ME
CONTINUALLY.

WHEN WAS I AWAY?
HAVE I EVER BEEN AWAY?

I DON'T REMEMBER
THE PRECISE OCCASION, DEAR.

BUT I DO REMEMBER
THAT YOU TELEPHONED.

FUNNY.
IF YOU'D HAVE ASKED ME,

I'D HAVE SWORN
I'D NEVER BEEN AWAY.

NEVER BEEN AWAY.

VERY NICE,
RICHARD.

OUR REGARDS
TO YOUR HUSBAND

WHEN HE RINGS
FROM THE FAR EAST.

TELL HIM
WE OFTEN ASK AFTER HIM.

I WILL, HYACINTH.
THANK YOU.

THINGS LIKE "WHY DOESN'T HE
COME HOME MORE?"

IS THEIR MARRIAGE HAPPY
DO YOU THINK?

GOOD LORD YES, HE LIVES
ABROAD MOST OF THE TIME.

WHY DOESN'T HE
COME HOME MORE OFTEN?

I DON'T SUPPOSE
HIS FIRM ALLOWS HIM.

IT COSTS MONEY.

WHEN HE DOES COME HOME,
I DO HOPE HE WON'T BE

RIDDLED WITH
TROPICAL AILMENTS.

FOR THE FIRST SIX MONTHS
WE'LL HAVE TO BE

VERY AWARE WHICH GLASS
HE DRINKS FROM

AT MY CANDLELIGHT SUPPERS.

( engine starts )

DRIVE VERY SLOWLY
PAST NUMBER 23,

I WANT HER TO SEE
MY HAT.

Richard:
NOW, WE CAN GO
THE LANGLEY WAY

OR THROUGH RIDLEY.

WHICH WAY
WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO?

I WISH YOU WOULDN'T

LEAVE EVERYTHING
TO ME, RICHARD.

ALL RIGHT,
I'LL TAKE THE "B" ROAD

AND WE'LL GO
THE LANGLEY WAY.

I'D MUCH RATHER
WE WENT THE RIDLEY WAY.

I LIKE
THE RIDLEY WAY.

ON SECOND THOUGHT,
I THINK WE'LL GO
THE RIDLEY WAY.

I'LL TURN ROUND
IN THE GARAGE.

( bell rings )

YOU KNOW, I REALLY OUGHT
TO VISIT DADDY FIRST.

TURN LEFT FOR DADDY.

ON REFLECTION,
I THINK IT WOULD BE BETTER
TO SEE DADDY ON THE WAY BACK.

TURNING ROUND.

( bell rings )

NO, MY CONSCIENCE
IS PRICKING ME.

I MUST PUT
DADDY FIRST.

LEFT AGAIN.

ON SECOND THOUGHTS,

I THINK IT WOULD BE BETTER
TO GO TO CARLDON HALL FIRST,

BEFORE IT BECOMES
TOO CROWDED.

SECOND THOUGHTS.

( bell rings )

ANYWAY, I NEED TIME
TO PREPARE FOR ONSLOW.

I CAN'T STAND
THE SIGHT OF ONSLOW

LOUNGING ABOUT DRINKING BEER
IN HIS UNDERSHIRT.

WATCH THE CYCLIST.

I'M WATCHING
THE CYCLIST, HYACINTH.

MY EYES ARE
RIVETED TO THE CYCLIST.

AREN'T WE GOING TOO FAST?
THIS IS A BUILT-UP AREA.

I'M UNDER THE LIMIT.

WELL, YOU WENT PAST
NUMBER 23 TOO FAST.

FAR TOO FAST.

SHE HAD NO OPPORTUNITY
TO SEE MY HAT.

AND WATCH THE LORRY.

WHICH LORRY?

THERE YOU ARE, YOU SEE.
YOU CAN'T EVEN SEE THE LORRY.

- WHERE IS HE?
- PARKED OVER THERE.

WHY SHOULD I WATCH
A STATIONARY LORRY

PARKED ON THE OTHER SIDE
OF A DUAL CARRIAGE-WAY.

I DON'T THINK

I LIKE YOUR TONE,
RICHARD.

CHANGING TONE.

( tires screech )

- NOW WHAT? WHAT'S WRONG?
- IT'S NO GOOD.

I CAN'T GO BLITHELY
OFF INTO THE COUNTRY.

I MUST
VISIT DADDY.

I'D BETTER NOT PARK
OUTSIDE THE HOUSE.
IT BLOCKS THE STREET.

HOW COULD MY SISTER
MARRY ONSLOW?

CONCEIVABLY
SHE LOVED HIM.

DON'T BE RIDICULOUS.
HOW CAN YOU LOVE AN ONSLOW?

HE SINGS
ON COACH TRIPS.

I JUST PRAY I'M NEVER
SEEN HERE

BY PEOPLE OF OUR OWN
SOCIAL STANDING.

I HATE KEEPING
DADDY IN THIS ENVIRONMENT.

- IT'S WHERE HE WAS BORN.
- THAT'S NOT THE IMPRESSION
I CARE TO CULTIVATE.

I EXPECT PEOPLE TO ASSUME
THAT I WAS BORN

INTO THE CANDLELIGHT
SUPPER CLASS.

DON'T YOU SCREAM AT ME.

I NEVER TOUCHED
YOUR HUSBAND.

I WOULDN'T TOUCH HIM
WITH A SIX-FOOT POLE!

I WISH I COULD
FIND A SIX-FOOT POLE.

A SORT OF...
YOUNGER LECH WALENSA.

I CAN'T HELP IT

IF YOUR HUSBAND
THROWS HIMSELF AT ME!

HE WAS NOT ENCOURAGED.

IF HE CAN'T KEEP
HIS HANDS OFF ME,
THAT'S HIS PROBLEM.

SAW ME WITH HIM
DOING WHAT?

WELL, SHE'S LYING.

I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU
FOUND IN HIS CAR,

THEY'RE NOT MINE.

( panting )

WHAT'S THE MATTER?
ARE WE ON FIRE?

I'VE JUST SEEN
A CAR PULL UP.
IT'S OUR HYACINTH.

- OH, GOD!
- WELL, NEAR ENOUGH.

I'LL HAVE TO GO.
I'LL FIGHT WITH YOU LATER.

I WONDERED WHERE I'D
LOST THAT PAIR.

HELP ME TIDY UP.

WHAT'S OUR HYACINTH
DOING HERE?

I EXPECT SHE'S COME
TO VISIT FATHER.

I WISH SHE'D
GIVE US SOME NOTICE--

LIKE ABOUT
THREE MONTHS.

PUT THE KETTLE ON, ROSE.

- MAKE A CUP OF TEA.
- IS ONSLOW GETTING UP?

OH, YOU KNOW ONSLOW.

NOT UNLESS
IT'S WORLD WAR III.

OH!

LEAVE IT.
LEAVE IT.

( barking )

YOU'VE WOKEN
THE DOG.

GOOD MORNING,
ONSLOW.

DON'T SAY
GOOD MORNING TO HIM

WHEN I'VE JUST BEEN
SAVAGED BY HIS DOG.

LESS NOISE,
YOU DAFT BITCH.

AND THAT GOES
FOR YOU AS WELL, DOG.

( laughing )

( aluminum can crunches )

AREN'T YOU SMOKING
TOO MANY, ROSE?

IT HELPS
KEEP YOUR FIGURE.

IT'S AMAZING HOW MANY
FELLAS SHE KEEPS IT FOR.

SHUT YOUR FACE,
ONSLOW.

ANY MORE TEA?
OR MORE TO THE POINT,

- ANY MORE BEAKERS?
- YOU CAN HAVE THE REST
OF THIS.

TA.

- WELL, HOW IS DADDY?
- DAFT AS A BRUSH.

- BE QUIET, ONSLOW.
- WELL, HE GETS BARMY.

- DOES THE DOG
LIVE IN THE CAR?
- SHE LIKES THE CAR.

- YEAH, SO--
- I'M TALKING ABOUT DADDY.

- SORRY.
- I WISH HE'D
LIVE IN THE CAR.

WHO'S A LOVELY
GIRL, THEN?

WHICH IS MORE THAN COULD
BE SAID FOR YOUR HYACINTH.

WHERE DID SHE
GET THAT HAT?

THE HAT?
STRIKING, ISN'T IT?

I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU COPE
DAY IN AND DAY OUT.

OH, YOU...
GET USED TO IT.

THAT'S TERRIFYING.

THAT'S THE MOST
FRIGHTENING THING
I'VE EVER HEARD.

HOW LONG HAVE YOU
HAD THE DOG?

OH, SHE ADOPTED US
LAST WEEK.

I THOUGHT SHE'D SLEEP
WITH US ON THE BED

BUT SHE PREFERS
THE CAR.

YOU'VE NEVER
HAD A DOG, DICKY?

NO, HYACINTH CAN'T
DO WITH THE MESS.

YOU KNOW, WE OUGHT TO GO OUT
AND HAVE A DRINK SOMETIME,
YOU AND ME.

WHERE ARE YOU
HEADING FOR TODAY?

HYACINTH LIKES TO VISIT
THESE STATELY HOMES.

WE'LL PROBABLY END UP
IN CARLDON HALL.

CARLDON HALL?

THAT SOUNDS
REALLY BORING.

PROBABLY WILL BE.

USUALLY IS.

( car engine running )

( whines )

RIGHT.
WHERE IS THE BITCH?!

SHE'S INSIDE, LOVE.
UPSTAIRS.

I'LL KILL HER!
I'LL PLUCK HER EYES OUT!

WHO IS SHE?

IT'S USUALLY THE WIFE
OF ONE OF ROSE'S BOYFRIENDS.

( screaming )

NEVER MIND WHO I AM!

TO SORT YOU OUT!

NEVER MIND WHO YOU ARE?!
YOU COME BURSTING IN--

COME BURSTING IN!

A DROP MORE TEA,
HYACINTH?

TEA? HADN'T WE
BETTER DO SOMETHING?

THERE'S A MAD WOMAN
ATTACKING ROSE UPSTAIRS.

OH, NO.
ROSE WILL BE FINE.

SHE'S VERY EXPERIENCED.

THAT SEEMS
TO BE THE TROUBLE.

POOR DADDY LYING
SICK IN THE NEXT ROOM,

LEARNING THE SINS
OF HIS YOUNGEST DAUGHTER
AT FULL VOLUME.

WHAT DOES DADDY MAKE
OF ALL THESE SCENES?

OH, HE NEVER BOTHERS.
YOU KNOW FATHER.

HE'S IN A WORLD
OF HIS OWN.

BY THE WAY,
BEFORE YOU GO,

DO YOU MIND
IF I TRY YOUR HAT?

ONSLOW HATES ME
IN A HAT.

( laughs )
NO.

NO, I TELL A LIE.

ONSLOW WOULD NEVER
NOTICE ME IN A HAT.

HE CAN HARDLY RAISE
A GRUNT THESE DAYS

FOR YOUR BEST EFFORTS
IN BRA AND BLACK STOCKINGS.

WILL ROSE
BE ALL RIGHT?

ROSE WILL BE FINE.
ROSE CAN HANDLE WIVES.

THERE'S ONLY ONE THING
SHE HANDLES MORE OFTEN

AND THAT'S HUSBANDS.

( television starts
playing music )

ONSLOW,

THERE'S SOMEBODY CLIMBING
DOWN YOUR DRAINPIPE

DRESSED IN A BALACLAVA
AND A FANCY CAPE.

- ARE YOU BEING BURGLED?
- NO, THAT'S NOT A BURGLAR.

THAT'S YOUR FATHER-IN-LAW.

HYACINTH'S DADDY?
WHAT'S HE DOING?

THIS WEEK HE'S BEING
CAPTAIN MIDNIGHT,

SWORD OF JUSTICE,

STRIKING TERROR
INTO THE HEARTS
OF ALL EVILDOERS.

BUT IS HE ANY GOOD
AT DRAINPIPES?

( crash )

NOT A LOT.

HE'S GONE DOWN
THE STREET.

HADN'T WE BETTER
GET AFTER HIM?

- PERSONALLY, I'M
INCLINED NOT TO BOTHER.
- REALLY?

HE'S ONLY GONNA RESCUE HER
AT THE POST OFFICE.

- WHAT FROM?
- A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH,
I THINK HE SAID,

AT THE HANDS OF SOME TOTALLY
HAIRLESS GREEN PEOPLE

FRESH FROM OUTER SPACE
AND DESPERATE FOR
A WHITE WOMAN.

I DON'T THINK
WE SHOULD TELL HYACINTH.

I'LL GO ALONG
WITH THAT.

BUT HOW WILL WE
GET HIM BACK?

- THEY'LL GET A COUPLE OF
CUSTOMERS TO BRING HIM BACK.
- REALLY?

IT'S THE POST OFFICE.

THEY DELIVER.

YOU'RE QUITE RIGHT.

IT COULD DO
WITH A COAT OF PAINT.

I'M GOING TO HAVE
TO GET THE DECORATORS IN.

CAN'T ONSLOW DECORATE?

MY ONSLOW?
( laughs )

OH, NO.

HE'S MORE...
YOUR BIG IDLE SLOB.

OH, WE WARNED YOU,
DAISY, WHEN YOU MARRIED HIM.

I KNOW,
YOU HAVE TO GIVE HIM
MARKS FOR CONSISTENCY.

- LISTEN.
- I CAN'T HEAR ANYTHING.

THAT'S JUST IT-- I CAN'T
HEAR THEM ARGUING ANYMORE.

IT'S GONE QUIET.

DEATHLY QUIET.

I DON'T LIKE IT.

I WARNED ROSE
THAT HER WAY OF LIFE

WOULD ONE DAY
LEAD TO TRAGEDY.

NOBODY CAN SHOW
THAT AMOUNT OF LEG

AND EXPECT TO BE
GUIDED SUPERNATURALLY.

I CAN'T EVEN HEAR
OUR ROSE SMOKING.

OH, MY GOODNESS.
YOU DON'T THINK--

OOH!

ROSE ISN'T
USUALLY VIOLENT.

Hyacinth:
NO, BUT WHAT ABOUT
THAT OTHER WOMAN?!

( sobbing )

- MEN!
- THEY'RE ALL SWINES!

IT'S US WOMEN
THAT SUFFER.

SHOULD THAT BE "IT'S
WE WOMEN WHO SUFFER"?

- WE'LL MAKE HIM PAY.
- OOH, I'D LIKE THAT.

IT WILL BE
A PLEASURE.

I'LL HAVE TO GO
GET HIS DINNER ON.

AND YOU, LOVE.

THAT ROSE,

SHE KNOWS
WHAT SUFFERING IS.

YOU'RE A SWINE
TO YOUR WIFE,

YOU MISERABLE,
NO-GOOD--

HOW DO I KNOW YOU'RE
A SWINE TO YOUR WIFE?

I'LL TELL YOU HOW I KNOW--
BECAUSE SHE'S JUST LEFT HERE.

OH, I BET THAT'S
JUST MADE HIS DAY.

DAISY, DADDY'S NOT
IN HIS ROOM.

WHERE'S HE GONE?
HE SHOULDN'T BE
OUT ON HIS OWN.

HE WON'T BE ON HIS OWN.
HE'LL BE IN THE GRIP OF
A COUPLE OF CUSTOMERS.

- MMM?
- PROBABLY WOMEN.

OH, HOW CONSIDERATE.

I EXPECT HE'S HELPING
THEM BOTH SAFELY ACROSS
A BUSY ROAD.

AND YOU CAN TAKE
YOUR ILLUSTRATED
EROTIC BOOKS BACK!

HOW YOU CAN
SPEND MONEY ON--

WOULD YOU LIKE
A DROP MORE TEA,
HYACINTH?

I THINK NOT,
NO THANK YOU.

- RICHARD--
- I DON'T MEAN THE BLACK
RUBBER CLOTHING SECTION!

THIS IS NOT THE KIND
OF TELEPHONE CONVERSATION

YOU SHOULD BE
OVERHEARING.

YOU WEREN'T ALL
THAT TERRIFIC ANYWAY.

BOOKS OR NO BOOKS,
WITH YOUR BUILD

YOU'D NO CHANCE
OF GETTING PAST PAGE 22.

AY!

JUST LET'S GO.
I'VE HAD ENOUGH
FOR ONE DAY.

BAD ENOUGH DAISY
MARRIED TO ONSLOW,

BUT TO LET HIM
DRINK OUT OF HER BEAKER.

AND AS FOR ROSE,

I SUPPOSE ONE
OUGHT TO BE GRATEFUL

THAT AT LEAST
SHE'S MISBEHAVING
WITH SOMEONE LITERATE.

WELL, YOU'VE DONE
YOUR DUTY.

YOU VISITED YOUR FATHER.

I CAN'T BELIEVE
HE TRIES

TO FORCE HIMSELF
ON THE POSTMISTRESS.

WELL, AT LEAST
YOU KNOW HE'S FIT.

MMM?

NO, I EXPECTED
SOMETHING QUITE SIMPLE.

PROBABLY THE EFFORT
OF LICKING HIS STAMPS

SENT THE BLOOD
RUSHING TO HIS TONGUE

AND HE STUMBLED TOWARDS HER.
POOR DADDY.

IT'S DICKY
I FEEL SORRY FOR.

SHE'S GOT
EYES EVERYWHERE.

I REALLY BELIEVE
OUR HYACINTH

CAN SEE THROUGH
LAMINATED SURFACES

TO THE GRIME
UNDERNEATH.

I'M GOING TO HAVE
TO CLEAN THAT KITCHEN.

IF WE ALL GOT "STOOKEN,"

WE COULD SOON
CLEAN THAT KITCHEN.

TALK TO YOURSELF,
DAISY.

THERE'S YOUR FATHER
BEING TAKEN HOME NOW.

DO YOU WANT TO STOP?

NO, IT'S
TOO EMBARRASSING.

HE SEEMS TO BE HAPPY.

THAT'S NOT THE KIND
OF BEHAVIOR

ONE EXPECTS
FROM CAPTAIN MIDNIGHT.

GOOD AFTERNOON. 50p
FOR THE CAR PARK, PLEASE.

OH, CAN'T WE PARK
IN THAT LITTLE SPACE
NEARER THE HOUSE?

THAT'S RESERVED
FOR THE FAMILY, MADAM.

I'M NOT SAYING
I AM FAMILY,

BUT I HAVE
WRITTEN TO HER LADYSHIP
FROM TIME TO TIME

FOR CHARITABLE PURPOSES.

I'M SURE SHE'D REMEMBER
MY PERSONAL EMBOSSED
WRITING PAPER--

SAFFRON
WITH MATCHING ENVELOPES.

YOU'LL HAVE TO PARK
IN THE PUBLIC AREA, MADAM.

IT ISN'T AS IF
WE BELONG WITH THE MASSES,

I HAVE A SON
AT UNIVERSITY.

I'M SORRY, MADAM.

MY HUSBAND IS AN OFFICER
OF A LARGE LOCAL AUTHORITY.

I WISH YOU WOULDN'T
INVOLVE ME, HYACINTH.

ENORMOUS SUMS OF MONEY
PASS THROUGH HIS HANDS.

I'D REALLY RATHER
JUST SIT HERE IN NEUTRAL.

- YOU'LL HAVE TO PARK
IN THE PUBLIC AREA, MADAM.
- I DON'T THINK--

HYACINTH, IT'S NOT WORTH
UPSETTING HIS LORDSHIP.

VERY WELL, DEAR.

THANK YOU.

DRIVE ON, RICHARD.

WHY DO WE ALWAYS
COME TO THIS ROOM?

BECAUSE IT'S NEAR
THE FAMILY QUARTERS, DEAR.

ONE OF THESE DAYS

I SHALL CATCH
HIS LORDSHIP'S EYE,

OR BETTER YET,
HER LADYSHIP'S,

AND I SHALL
STRIKE UP AN ACQUAINTANCE.

AND THEN WE'LL SEE
WHO CAN PARK

IN THE LITTLE
PRIVATE AREA.

I'VE NEVER SEEN ANYONE
THROUGH THERE YET.

DO BE PATIENT,
RICHARD DEAR.

THE IMPORTANT THING
TO REMEMBER ABOUT
THE ARISTOCRACY

IS THEIR
IMPECCABLE MANNERS.

ONCE WE'VE ESTABLISHED
EYE CONTACT,

WE'RE ALMOST HONOR BOUND
TO BE INVITED TO TEA.

IT'S NOT VERY LIKELY,
HYACINTH.

ANOTHER THING IS
THAT THE ARISTOCRACY

ALWAYS RECOGNIZE
QUALITY.

WHY AM I WEARING
THIS HAT?

- LET THESE PEOPLE PASS,
RICHARD.
- NO, NO, NO, AFTER YOU.

NO, IT'S ALL RIGHT.

WE'RE WAITING
FOR HIS LORDSHIP.

OH.

I AM SORRY. I THOUGHT
YOU WERE JUST VISITORS.

I KNOW. PEOPLE KEEP
MAKING THAT MISTAKE.

( booms )

YOU'RE NEVER GOING
TO BELIEVE THIS.

- HOW MUCH YOU GOT, ROSE?
- 20.

50p PLEASE, SIR.

SEE IF YOU CAN FIND US
A BIT OF A SLOPE TO PARK ON.

ONLY THIS OLD BITCH ISN'T
TOO CLEVER AT STARTING AGAIN.

- I CAN BELIEVE THAT.
- ( Onslow laughs )

HERE, HAVE YOU HAD
A WELL-POLISHED CAR
THROUGH HERE,

DRIVER LOOKING
SHELL-SHOCKED?

WOMAN WITH A BIG HAT?

SHE WAS MURDER.

THAT'S THE ONE.

( engine roars loudly )

WE OUGHT TO MOVE ON
A BIT, HYACINTH.

NOW DO BE PATIENT,
RICHARD.

ABSORB THE PICTURE.

I'VE BEEN ABSORBING IT
FOR 10 MINUTES.

10 MINUTES?

THESE WORKS OF ART ARE
PAINTED TO BE ENJOYED FOREVER.

IT'S BEGINNING TO FEEL
LIKE FOREVER.

WE'LL LEAVE WHEN I'VE
HAD A GLIMPSE OF THE FAMILY.

WHAT'S THE POINT?

THE POINT IS TO BEGIN
BUILDING UP A RELATIONSHIP.
THAT'S THE POINT.

THEY DON'T KNOW
YOU FROM ADAM.

LIKE ATTRACTS LIKE.

THEY'LL RECOGNIZE
BREEDING WHEN THEY SEE IT.

ISN'T THAT
A LOVELY PICTURE?

I'M TRYING TO REMEMBER
THE LAST TIME I MET
HER LADYSHIP.

WHEN?
WHEN DID YOU MEET HER?

WE MET, OF COURSE,
THE FIRST TIME

WHEN SHE OPENED
THE GARDEN PARTY.

YOU WERE IN THE CROWD,
THAT'S ALL.

SHE KEPT LOOKING
IN MY DIRECTION.

I BELIEVE MY DEPORTMENT
IMPRESSED HER.

I SUPPOSE THE LAST TIME
WE WERE TOGETHER

MUST HAVE BEEN
AT THAT DINNER

AFTER THE GALA
PERFORMANCE OF SWAN LAKE.

SHE KNOWS THE FAMILY.

THEY'RE FRIENDS
OF THE FAMILY.

OF COURSE HER
LADYSHIP AND I

HAVE WORKED TOGETHER
FOR CHARITY.

- WHEN WAS THAT?
- THE GARDEN PARTY.

OUR FAMILIES,
HER LADYSHIP'S AND MINE,

ARE NOT WITHOUT
THEIR LINKS.

MY FATHER, TOO,
IS NO NOVICE

WHEN IT COMES
TO CARRYING A SWORD.

Onslow:
ARE YOU UP THERE, DICKY?

( Onslow continues )

ONSLOW.

- DID YOU TELL HIM?
- TELL HIM WHAT?

- YOU MUST HAVE TOLD HIM.
- TOLD HIM WHAT?

- WHERE WE WERE GOING.
- I MAY HAVE MENTIONED
SOMETHING.

FANCY DOING THAT.
YOU PRACTICALLY INVITED HIM.

HYACINTH,
HE'S HERE NOW.

WE JUST CAN'T
KEEP RUNNING.

I WILL NOT BE FOUND
ON STATELY PREMISES

IN THE COMPANY
OF SOMEONE

WHO DRINKS BEER
IN HIS UNDERSHIRT.

ONLY WHEN HE CAN
AFFORD IT.

Daisy:
I DON'T THINK HYACINTH
WILL WELCOME IT

WHEN WE DO FIND HER.

WHAT ABOUT
THAT CAR PARK ATTENDANT?

- I RATHER LIKE
THAT CAR PARK ATTENDANT.
- OH.

I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU WANT
TO SPEND THE AFTERNOON
WITH HYACINTH.

I DON'T WANT TO SPEND
THE AFTERNOON WITH YOUR
HYACINTH.

IT'S YOUR FATHER
WHO'S SENILE, NOT ME.

WE'RE HERE TO RESCUE
POOR OLD DICKY.

HE'S THE ONE
I FEEL SORRY FOR.

I JUST THOUGHT
SOMEONE SHOULD RESCUE HIM

AND GET SOME
BEVYS DOWN HIM.

WHAT THE HELL DO CALL THAT?

IT'S ART.

ART?

I WOULDN'T WRAP
MY CHIPS UP IN IT.

HERE, ROSE,
WHAT DO YOU RECKON OF THIS?

AHHHH--

HIDE.

THEY'RE COMING THIS WAY.
COME ON!

RICHARD!

PSST!
PSST!

CAN I HELP YOU?

THIS IS NOT
A PUBLIC AREA, YOU KNOW.

IT'S ALL RIGHT.

I'M A FRIEND
OF THE FAMILY'S.

HER LADYSHIP AND I
ARE OLD ACQUAINTANCES.

SO IT WOULD BE
VERY UNWISE OF YOU

- TO START GETTING OFFICIOUS.
- OH, YES BUT--

WE'RE MERELY HIDING
FROM SOME UNACCEPTABLE PERSON

WHO'S TRYING
PURSUE US.

THERE ARE SUCH
ODD PEOPLE ABOUT.

I'M SURE
YOU UNDERSTAND.

Hyacinth:
HOW WAS I TO KNOW
THAT THAT WAS HIS LORDSHIP?

HE LOOKED
LIKE THE GARDENER.

HE MUST BE VERY LOW DOWN
ON THE ARISTOCRATIC SCALE

IF HE LOOKS LIKE
A GARDENER.

I THINK IT'S
IRRESPONSIBLE.

HE'S NO RIGHT
TO LOOK LIKE A GARDENER.

( theme music playing )