Kath & Kim (2002–2007): Season 4, Episode 7 - Lust - full transcript

SONG:
♪ There's always a joker in the pack

♪ There's always a lonely clown

♪ And there is a jester, just a fool

♪ As foolish as he can be

♪ There's always a joker,
that's the rule

♪ But fate deals a hand and I see

♪ The joker is me

♪ The joker is me

♪ The joker

♪ Is me… ♪

(CAR DOOR SLAMS)



(GATE OPENS)

What the hell?

Are you serious?
What are you doing?

Oh! Not my Garnier
Fructis firming cream!

I'm kicking you out, Brett.
You've been at it again.

What?

You just can't keep it
in your pants, can you?

Keep what in my pants?

I'm not an ignoranus, Brett!
Look at you!

You reek! You've been through
two bottles of Vulgari!

You've been having spray-ons!
Just admit it!

- Alright, I admit it.
- Oh!

It only happened
once and it's over.

Get out of my life
and my face, Brett.



I'm sorry, Kim.
Don't kick me out.

Where will I go? What'll I do?

Frankly, my dear, I
don't give a fat rat's.

Go to your ho's!

I can't. It's over.

She said I'm a dud root!

Hi, Mandy.

(SIGHS) Mandy! Your nuts
are in my spa again!

And look at the brushbox, Kim.
It's hanging right over my antenna.

I do love the Typhannn Knees
toe ring Brett gave me.

But it's not enough!

Is that all our
marriage meant to him?

Not even a matching anklet.

I don't believe it of Brett, Kim.
Not again.

Mum, a leper never
changes his spots.

It's not really Bretty's fault.

I mean, there are a lot of
little nymphos out there, Kim.

- Hi, everyone.
- KATH: Oh, hi, Sharon!

- Well, congratulate me. Guess what?
- What?

As of today, it is official…
I've been without a guy,

and therefore celibate,
for three months.

Was there a choice? Oh, Sharon.

No, I think it is a
good thing, Mrs D.

I mean, you know, no more throwing
myself at anyone and everyone.

I'm waiting for Mr Right.

Ha! Well, that could take
a long time, Sharon.

Do you think it's wise
to swear off guys?

- You know what you're like.
- Oh, no, I'm fine about it.

I feel great.

- Got any chocolate?
- In the pantry, love.

Oh, gee, I know I wouldn't
last a day without it.

Ha! I need my special
cuddles, don't I, Kim?

Oh, I shouldn't
have to hear that.

Oh, poor Kimmy. Are you alright?

- No.
- SHARON: Where is Bretty?

Don't know, don't care.

Oh! Pods! Oh! Do you wanna watch
the cricket with me, Kim?

Oh, well, girls, can you
watch it upstairs, please?

I need downstairs clear
tonight for Kel and I.

We have to have some
one-on-one face time.

We've got issues at the moment.

(SIGHS) Thank you.

Oh, gosh, that's the time? Gee.

I better get a wriggle on.
Kel will be home soon.

I've got to put the dips
out, put my face on…

Gee, Sharon's really going
through those Pods.

You know, Kim, did you ever think
to pop on a bit of lip gloss

or a nice pair of ironed jeans for
Brett before he came home from work?

Because, you know, it might
have made all the difference.

No, I didn't, because I'm
not a Stepford wife.

No.

There's nothing wrong with
being a Stepford wife, Kim,

and it was a very good film,
despite what the critics said.

You're mad, Mum.

Yes, well, I might be mad, but
at least I'm still married…

to a guy who can't get
enough of me… hello, you.

Get stuffed. Kel!

- The pre-stuffed free range, yeah.
- Oh.

Pistachio and leek.

And squirt me an email
just confirming that.

Yeah, thanks. OK, 'bye.

Kel… (SIGHS)

I tell you, Kim. It's
lucky Warney retired.

No way I could
watch the cricket.

You know how his
flipper razzes me up.

You know Brett and me are gonna
have to divide our assets?

Bet he wants to get his
hands on my Bumblelina.

I know it's old and ugly,
but I'm attached to it.

Just so glad we got a pre-nup.

Pre-nup? What's that?

Don't you know anything, Sharon?

It's like, you know before you get
married, and you've said, "Yep,"

you might've at some stage
have previously said "Nup."

So that nup is previously yep
so the pre-nup still stands.

Oh, Freddie Flintoff
is a hottie, isn't he?

Shrek. Spunk.

Oh, my god! Kim!

I think I wanna tonk a Pom!

Pass the Pods, Kim!
Quick! Quick!

Sharon, I think we better
change the channel.

I think so, Kim.

Oh, 'Gladiator's on…
let's watch that.

Or would Russell razz
you up too much?

Russell Crowe… let me think…

Nah, should be fine.

('INSATIABLE' BY
DARREN HAYES PLAYS)

♪ Turn the lights down low
Take it off, let me show

♪ My love for you Insatiable

♪ Turn me on… ♪

Kel, do you think I should hack
Mandy's roots or her branches?

You know, the ones that are
on our side of the fence.

Just put some peanut sauce on them.
That should do it.

What, Kel?

OK, Pete. I'll talk to you tomorrow.
Thanks, mate.

- Oh, Kel!
- Oh, sorry, Kath.

Sorry, Kath. Oh! (LAUGHS)

Oh…

Mmm, that feels nice. What
do you call that, Kel?

Sorry, Kath, that's
my memory stick.

Which reminds me, I've gotta
download those marinade ideas

onto the website.

Oh, Kel, you know, you growing
your business, going online,

getting your BlackBerry,
your Bluetooth,

your podcast, your websites…

Ha! I hardly get a
look-in these days.

You know, I feel like
I'm rabbiting on

saying nothing to no-one
half the time. (LAUGHS)

(FAINT TAPPING)

Hmm, is that rain, doll?

Kel!

Can you put the BlackBerry
down for five minutes

and boogie with
your wife, please?

Actually, the battery is going.
I better go plug it in.

Oh! Kel, finish your dance!

Oh, forget it. I'll just
dance on my own, won't I?

"Yes, thanks for tea tonight, Kath.
It was lovely. It was beautiful.

"And you look foxy as
anything…" (CRASH!)

KIM: Mum! Something's
happened to the TV reception!

- Oh, no! It's Mandy's bloody brushbox!
- Oh!

(GROANS)

(YAWNS)

Ohh…

I-I don't think you
should stay, Bretty.

It's… it's not a
good time for me.

And, you know, I am Kimmy's
second-best friend.

I got nowhere else. Please!

(SIGHS) Well, OK.

If it's just for a few
days, I should be fine.

You know, I mean, I am
here for you, Bretty.

You know, as I say to the girls
at netty, "If you need."

I feel so guilty.

What's wrong with me?

Maybe Kim was right. Maybe I
can't keep it in my pants.

Don't say that, Bretty.

Please don't say that.

I have to go.

Oh, Mandy! Mandy Patimkin!

I can see you! Don't
try and hide!

Oh, well, don't you shake
your head at me, please.

I'm entitled to TV
reception, Mandy.

Oh, so what are you gonna go and do?
Ring the council, are you?

Alright, well, you
go and do that.

Get them over here
and I'll show them

how your roots are
dividing my clivias.

Mum, you're gonna kill yourself up there.
Why can't Kel do that?

Kel? Huh! Kel's too busy with
his BlackBerry to do this.

Or anything else, but don't
go there, girlfriend.

I'm depressed. I need
some retail therapy.

Come on. I wanna go
to Fountain Gate.

Yeah, alright. I do actually want
to go and get some new gear.

You know, get a bit of
a new look for Kel.

Try and vamp up my act a bit.

And you've gotta take
back those DVDs, Kim.

Yeah, alright. First can we have
breakfast at Typhannn Knees?

(SIGHS)

(MUZAK PLAYS SOFTLY)

Oh! Look at the
diamond-encrusted braces!

Where?

There… just beside
the fascinators.

Oh, braces… they don't look big
enough to hold your pants up, Kim.

No, Mum, they're
braces for your teeth.

- They're called 'grills'.
- Oh, yes, I know what you mean.

A la Chamillionaire and Ja Rule.

- Yeah, yeah. It's mouth bling.
- Oh, mouth bling! That's nice!

- It is nice. It's different.
- It's different.

- It's unusual.
- It is. No, it's unusual. It's nice.

Mmm.

You know, Mum, I do miss Brett's
presents around the house.

Oh, so do I. He always
lit up the room.

No… No, his guilt presents
from Typhannn Knees.

Guess that's the upside of
being married to a pants man.

(SIGHS) You know, Kim, I still can't
believe Brett's done it again.

I always gave him the
benefit of the doubt.

He's made me look
a fool, actually.

Well, that hat isn't helping.

What? Oh, yeah. I
bought it for Kel.

He's gotta notice me in this.

Gee, we haven't had our
rocks off for days.

I tell you, I am one
frustrated lady at the moment.

Eugh!

Oh, I love that mouth bling!

Oh, Kim, there's Sharon!
What's she doing here?

KIM: Sharon!

Oh, hi, Mrs D. Hi, Kim.

Sure you got enough there?

Um, Kimmy, could I please
speak to you about Brett?

I don't wanna hear that
word again, Sharon.

Which word? Oh.

Um… anyway, I better
pay for these.

Hi.

That's $57, please.

Just keep the change.

Ooh! I'd hate to be the guy who
cops Sharon when she finally blows.

(BREATHES DEEPLY)

Hi, Bretty!

(GROANS AND BLOWS)

- I got us some tea.
- Oh, great.

Yeah, it's a foot-long
from Subway.

Oh, Kim never let
me have a foot-long

the whole time we were married.

- Oh, really?
- Oh, it's my pleasure, Bretty.

- Thanks.
- Yep. Got us some dessert too.

Oh, beauty. Could I
put the cricket on?

(SCREAMS) No! Don't put
the cricket on, Brett!

Hello, you! Just a minute, love.

Kel. Notice anything?

Just a sec…

Here, have a feel of this.
It's so fluffy.

Kel?

Kel!

Oh, forget it. I don't
know why I bother anymore.

Here, put it on your BlackBerry.

I'm sure it'll look
really foxy in it.

What? Kath!

What's wrong?

Sharon, where the
bloody hell are you?

I need you to come to Fountain
Gate with me tomorrow.

I'll pick you up about 10:00.
Bye.

(TOILET FLUSHES, MOBILE BEEPS)

Would you like some
Viennetta, Bretty?

Oh, thanks, Sharon.
That'd be nice.

Oh! (LAUGHS)

- 'Scuse fingers.
- No probs.

- Oh, you're a little duffer.
- (CHUCKLES)

Oh, I know, Kel.

I just don't like playing
second banana to a BlackBerry.

Second banana?

You're my number one lady
finger and don't you forget it.

(LAUGHS) Oh, Kel.

So tell me, was it the fluffy
bolero that got you in in the end?

Nah, it's the bowler hat
worn on that jaunty angle.

- Oh! Talk about hot!
- I knew it!

You know, I saw it in
the fun shop, Kel,

and something just clicked
and I had to have it.

And so do I. Come here, you.

Oh, Kel.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Oooh! Who's that?

It's Mandy and the police.

(LOUD KNOCKING AT DOOR)
What are they doing here?

Oh, no!

Gee, that was a great tea.
Thanks, Sharon.

No worries, Brett.

Thanks for your ear too. I
hope I didn't chew it off.

Oh, yeah. No worries.

- Goodnight, Brett.
- Oh, yeah. Goodnight, Sharon.

(SCREAMS) Don't come
any closer, Brett!

You alright, Sharon?

I think you should get out!
GET OUT NOW WHILE YOU CAN!

What's the matter, Sharon?

I've run out of chocolate.

Oh, you don't understand.
I'm a pants man.

I can't help myself.

(SCREAMS) BRETTY!

(CRASH!) Ooh!

Oh, where are you going?

I'm going back to Typhannn
Knees with Sharon.

I just can't get that mouth
bling out of my head.

So what'd the cops say?

Well, they said it's an
'eritage-listed tree,

almost four years old.

I only hacked off one branch.

I would've poisoned her roots.

Yeah, well, I tried that.
It didn't work.

Anyway, now they're saying
that infection could set in

and ruin the whole tree.

Mandy could sue
the pants off me.

Speaking of pants
off… hello, you.

Foul! Anyway, I'm off.

Mum, can you keep an
ear out for Epponnee?

Yes, alright. Bye.

Oh! You look nice. Is that new?

Oh, this? No, it's 100 years old,
Kel, but thanks for noticing.

Oh, my bowler!

Kel!

Oh. Sorry, love. I'm
turning it off now.

Gee, it's blowy.

(CRUNCH!)

Kel! The tree!

Oh, my god.

Oh, my god!

(BOTH SCREAM)

(SCREAM)

(BOTH SCREAM)

(CRASH!)

(BLACKBERRY RINGS, SPLASHES)

(GASPS)

Oh! Oh, my god! Oh, my god!

(GASPS)

My BlackBerry!

Where's my BlackBerry? (GASPS)

It's not what it looks like.

Well, it looks like
you've been having sex!

Oh, well, then it is
what it looks like.

- I think I'm gonna be sick! (SOBS)
- SHARON: Kim!

I can explain!

Oh.

Hell, Kel, we could've
been killed today.

Yeah, well, my
BlackBerry's died.

Oh, good riddance.

You're spending way too much time
pushing its buttons and not mine.

I know, I know.

- Oh, I better go pop some pants on.
- OK, doll.

Actually, I'd better
recharge this Bluetooth.

It's getting a bit low.

Oh, Kel, your wet bathers.

You gonna put those
in the dryer, please?

- Mum! MUM!
- Kim, what's happened?

Oh, poor Brett.

Poor Brett?!

- He can't help himself, Kim.
- But with Sharon!

Oh, Sharon was so pent up, Kim.

She was bound to blow and jump
on the first thing that moved.

I just thank my lucky stars I
wasn't around in my bowler.

(DOOR SLIDES)

Hi, Mrs D.

Kim.

I need to go to the toilet,
and when I come back,

I wanna see you gone.

Oh, Sharon…

You and Brett?

I know, Mrs D, but, you know, I've
always had a thing for Bretty.

Yeah, well, he is a
damned attractive guy.

Yeah, but, you know, it
is funny, I have to say…

last night, my long-held dream

turned into a very short,
unsatisfactory nightmare.

- What do you mean, Sharon?
- It was a total fizzer.

I mean, Brett is
hopeless at it, Mrs D.

Poor Kim.

- What are you talking about?
- First you steal my husband…

I'm sorry, Kim!

Get out, Sharon!

I never wanna see you or
your carbuncles ever again.

Well… but Kimmy, I mean, you told
me that your marriage was over

and… I'd run out of chocolate!

As if that's some
sort of excuse!

(BOTH ARGUE OVER EACH OTHER)

Time out! Time out! Time
out, please, ladies.

Now, Kim, look at me, please.

Look at me.

Look at me.

Now, I've got one word to say
to you, Kim… 'dud root'.

Hi.

Um… I've come to beg
for forgiveness…

for the terrible
thing that I did.

Yeah, it was pretty terrible,
Brett, but, um, I forgive you.

I meant for Kim to forgive me.

I can change.

Oh, Brett, it's gonna
take a lot more

than just another Typhannn
Knee box to win Kim back.

- She's not that shallow.
- Shut up, Mum. Yes, I am.

Oh!

The diamond braces.
The mouth bling.

Oh, Kim, go and try them on.
Come on. Oh…

I love you, babe.

I really wanna come back.

So…

What do you say?

(SPEAKS WITH DIFFICULTY)
I'll say this, Brett…

you must've been desperate
to sleep with Sharon.

You're shit, Brett.

Yes, I will give you
a second chance,

but I swear, if you
slip up next time,

there'll be serious
consequences.

Was that… Was that a yes?

Shut up and kiss me, Brett.

Please forgive me too, Kim!
Please!

Can we just forget
that it ever happened?

'Cause it practically didn't.

Yeah, I was thinking about
you the whole time.

- Yeah, so was I.
- Yeah, we both were.

Oh, please, Kim!

Oh, Kim, look at the face on it.

Alright, Sharon, but I'm dropping
you from second-best friend

down to sixth.

Oh, good girl! Ohh…

- They're nice, aren't they?
- (ALL AGREE)

- KATH: Yeah, unusual.
- KIM: Yeah, they're sparkly.

Oh, well, we've all had our fill

of dud roots this week,
haven't we, Kim?

Oh, shut up about Brett, Mum!

I'm not talking about Brett.

I'm talking about Mandy's tree.

I mean, look at the belvedere.

It's rooted, absolutely.

I tell you what,

I'm loving Brett's
guilt presents.

Look at these earrings.

They were to make up
for the Bolton twins.

This classic bangle
is for Kelly.

Yep, and now you've got your
grills and your toe ring.

I mean, you are
very lucky to have

a guy with such good taste, Kim.

I'd love the matching necklace.

Mmm, careful what you wish for!

I know!

I do have to say, though, Kim,

I am very proud of you, the
way you've forgiven Sharon.

I mean, that wasn't easy.

And funnily enough,

you letting Sharon
have a go with Brett

seems to have given her
her confidence back.

Tell me about it. She's
right on the prowl.

You know, going for
anything that moves.

- Or doesn't.
- Yeah.

Look, as long as she
doesn't move on to Kel,

because I tell you,

he is testosterone on
three legs at the moment.

- Eugh!
- Oh, no, Kim…

- He's back big-time.
- Gee.

Last night the bowler

got a working out,
let me tell you.

I shouldn't have to hear that.

No, it was beautiful, you know.
It was…

No! I don't wanna… No!

- Incredible. You know, his stamina…
- Arggh!

You know, and he's
inventive, which I love.

No! Mum!

Brett could learn a
thing or two from Kel.

- Oh, I'm gonna be sick!
- No, it's not. It's beautiful.

Arggh! I'm going in!

- What is so wrong… - Stop it!

With two very
attractive baby boomers

who like to go for
it like rabbits?

There's nothing wrong with it.

Oh, Kim! Guess who's coming
to Fountain Lakes next week?

Oh, my God! Shane Warne!

This is a dream come true!

For you, isn't it… to be
with two hornbags like us?

Best I've ever been with.

- Yeah?
- Oh, I imagine.

I guess it's a bit of a highlight
for you in your career.

Definitely. Right up there.

- What about the Ashes? You know…
- Oh, forget the Ashes.

Yeah… This is top-notch.

That's right. Being
in Fountain Lakes.

KATH AND KIM: Oh, it's nice.
It's different.

- KATH: Yeah, it's nice.
- KIM: Yeah, it's unusual.