Kath & Kim (2002–2007): Season 4, Episode 6 - Roots - full transcript
Sharon meets her long lost half sister. Kel points out something in a photograph regarding Kath's grandmother.
SONG: ♪ There's always
a joker in the pack
♪ There's always a lonely clown
♪ And there is a jester, just a fool
♪ As foolish as he can be
♪ There's always a joker,
that's the rule
♪ But fate deals a hand and I see
♪ The joker is me
♪ The joker is me
♪ The joker
♪ Is me. ♪
Richmond… Richo…
he's useless, right?
ANNOUNCER: (ON TV) They
talk about our culture
and they talk in our language,
but are they really us?
Or will the new face
of Australia be Asian?
That's so true.
If we let any more in, there'll
be no Australians living here.
Oh, it's such a beat-up, Kim. There's
plenty of room for everyone.
Ow! Brett, don't! It's my couch!
I'm just scared. I'm
scared for Epponnee.
- KEL: Kath, it's back on.
- Oh, yeah, coming, Kel.
Turn that rubbish off, Kim.
Come and watch 'Mary Bryant'.
It's terrific Australian drama.
Here you go, doll.
Oh-ho-ho! Mmm!
Kath, your chicken
feet, 'Mary Bryant'…
life doesn't get much
better than this.
They, uh, just caught her again.
Oh, poor Mary!
KATH: Gee, you'd think she'd
give her face a bit of a wash.
It was pretty hard to keep
clean in that climate.
You know, Kel, my family, on
my mum's side, the Quail side,
were from the Top End.
Yeah, they were actually
quite well-to-do.
So you're from money?
- Oh, we lost it all, of course.
- (LAUGHS)
I remember Mum telling me about
some scandal in the closet.
It was a totally
foreboden subject.
You know, I don't know one
thing about my background…
you know, where I'm
from, way back.
Well, Knight… I mean, that'd
be a noble name, from England.
Hmm.
Yeah, you've probably got royalty
in there somewhere, Kel.
I wouldn't mind knowing a
bit more about my roots.
You know, Kath, it's funny,
'cause I've always thought
I was a bit of a nob.
- Mmm.
- Yeah. A cut above.
Well, why don't you
do a bit of research…
get on the net, look
up some websites.
Mmm, I think I will.
Oh, not now, Kel.
You've gotta finish your chicken
feet, watch 'Mary Bryant'. Oh, look.
- They're washing her face.
- That's a good girl, Mary.
There's so many Asians here.
I mean, where are
the Australians?
Kim! That's very racist.
They ARE Australians.
Yeah, well, hardly
anyone looks like me.
Ha! Lucky them.
Is that supposed to be funny?
'Cause it's not funny what's
happening out there, Mum.
- Open your eyes.
- Oh, shut up, you stupid girl.
Oh, look here. Look, this is Rolf
de Heer's newie… 'Ten Canoes'.
It's all about the Aborigines.
Well, exactly my point.
Why don't those people go
back to where they came from?
(LAUGHS) I think you'll find,
if the Aborigines went back
to where they came from,
we'd be moving out.
Oh, look. There's
Dr Ng and Gung Ho.
Hello! I'm doing
noodles tonight.
Next, please.
Kim! Three packets of
squash-fly biscuits.
No wonder you're 'yuge'.
(SCANNER BEEPS)
What?
I've only got 12 in my basket
and she's got 12.
That adds up to… 24.
MAN: Are you sure?
There's two of us checking
out at the same time.
Do you have FlyBuys?
Sorry?
FlyBuys.
Oh, you mean 'FloyBoys'?
I can't understand you.
Speak Australian.
Yes, I do. How are you, Julie?
(WHISPERS) Good, thanks.
- Kath? Come and have a look at this.
- Wow, I don't believe it.
- What is it, Kel?
- Guess what?
What?
Apparently, I had a Great-Uncle
Neville John Knight
who was the Governor-Surveyor
in Horsham,
surveyor from Horsham
to Colac in 1865.
Oh! That's beautiful,
isn't it, Kel?
It's not exactly
noble, though, is it?
Oh, they're here.
I'll find 'em. (WHISTLES)
(DOOR SLIDES OPEN)
Oh, hi, Sharon.
- You alright, love?
- No, not really.
Oh, I've just been
thinking, you know, Mrs D,
since Kel's doing his
family tree and all that,
about my mum
and, you know, how she abandoned
me when I was just a baby.
Aw! You never talk about
your mum, do you?
Do you know where
she is now, love?
Uh, she went to England.
I know that.
Mmm.
Maybe I should try and
contact her again.
Yeah, why not? Couldn't hurt.
I mean, she would
probably want to know
that I've turned out pretty good,
you know, and found some success…
well, at least in
the sporting arena.
- I'm sure she would, Sharon.
- KEL: Ah! Here it is, Kath.
I knew it. I've got a
cousin who owns a castle.
- Oh, really?
- Yep.
Uh, "Jumping castle for
hire… parties and fetes."
465 Boundary Road, Chirnside.
Well, you're getting
closer, Kel.
Why don't you try googling
your mum, Sharon?
Actually, that's a
really good idea, Mrs D.
- I might try that.
- KATH: Mmm.
Is Kim here?
Yeah, she's in the good room, glued
to that dreadful 'Border Security'.
'Verdel-ho'… that's
the wine I need.
Kath, it says you can do a
thing called a DNA test
to see if you have
any blue blood.
That sounds interesting,
doesn't it?
Yeah.
- SHARON: Hi, Kim.
- Shh!
Mum, we should get a flagpole out
the front, like everyone else.
KATH: What? Aren't you
proud to be Australian?
Yes, of course I'm proud
to be Australian.
I just don't think we should
bang on about it, that's all.
I think we should when our very
way of life is under-threatened.
Oh! Kim, you're beginning
to sound like a Nazi.
Me a Nazi? You're the Nazi.
Well, yes, I am a style-Nazi but
that's about as far as it goes.
I mean we are threatened
by illegal aliens.
KEL: Kath? Aliens! Gawd, Kim!
"Bone me up, Scotty." (LAUGHS)
(SOBS)
What's wrong now?
Oh, you know.
Just… watching you and
your mum fighting.
It's so nice.
I think I will contact
my mum in England.
Well, why would she
want to see you?
I mean, she's probably got
a whole new family by now
and hasn't thought
about you for years.
That is so mean!
You don't know that, Kim!
Anyway, even if she does have
another whole new family,
I'm sure, if she saw
me, she would love me.
Oh, are you? Well, I
wouldn't be too up yourself.
Anyway, can you be quiet?
This is actually important.
MAN: (ON TV) Are
these your bananas?
Mmm. A quantitative surveyor?
Is that different, is it?
Yeah, alright.
1783, yeah.
Look, Kel, I've really gotta go.
OK, doll. Bye. (ENDS CALL)
What's that on your face, Kim?
It's the Aussie flag!
Oh! Stupid girl! Putting
a flag on your face!
It's not even Australian.
It's New Zealand.
(DOOR SLIDES OPEN)
- Guess what.
- You found your mum?
No. Not yet. But guess what.
I have found out that
I have got a sister.
Oh! Oh, my god!
- Sharon, that's exciting!
- I know. I know.
And apparently, she's
absolutely gorgeous.
- So, no family resemblance, then?
- Oh!
No, Kim. She is a model
and she sounds very nice.
But the best part is she's
coming to Melbourne!
When? What?
You will not believe it!
Tomorrow!
Oh! You're kidding me!
Oh, that's surreal!
- Unbelievable!
- I know, I know, I know.
It is meant to be, Mrs D.
She's been working in Sydney.
And then she's gonna be transiting
through Melbourne just for the day,
en route to South Molle Island.
South Molle? Oh, that's right.
Virgin's re-routing
itself through Tulla now.
So, anyway, I said that I
would meet her at the airport
and, you know, show her
round for the day.
KATH: Aw! That's nice. Yeah.
I'm so nervous.
Kim?
Yes, Sharon?
Would you please come
to the airport with me?
You know, hold my hand, sort of?
Oh, yuck! As if!
Oh, go on, Kim.
Alright, Sharon, I'll come,
only because I want to see who's
actually coming into this country.
KEL: I've done six generations
of the Queensland branch
and this is the Adelaide branch.
It's mind-numbing,
isn't it, Brett?
- It sure is.
- Yeah. I'm still researching.
This is the Melbourne
branch now.
Oh, have a look at this.
I'm just downloading it.
- Now, it won't take long.
- I'd better go.
I promised to take
Epps to the park.
- Oh, OK.
- Yeah. No worries.
Take her down the park. (LAUGHS)
You're lucky having
Epps, aren't you?
She's like a little twig on
your family tree, isn't she?
I suppose your family tree stops
with you, doesn't it, Kel? No kids.
Oh, yeah. No twigs.
I guess I'm just
an old, dead stump
in the middle of the
garden, aren't I?
Oh!
Yeah. But I don't
mind, you know.
I quite like it. Somewhere for the
birds to come and sit, you know.
- Yeah. Anyway, better go.
- Go kick the footy, Epps, eh?
- Yeah. Kick the footy.
- That's great stuff.
Yeah. Great.
Kath?
What are you doing? Oh!
Well, you know, with all this
talk about families, etc, etc,
I remembered about all
these old photos I've got.
Oh, gee!
She's a bit of an old-fashioned fox.
Who's that?
Oh, yeah. That's my
Great-Great-Great Aunt Bart.
Oh. Ho-ho!
- Gee, she's got a mean little mug.
- Ha!
- I don't know who that is?
- Mmm.
Look at this one, Kel.
This is the old family station
up in the Northern Territory.
Right.
Who's the, uh, Aboriginal lady?
Where?
There.
Oh, no, Kel, that's my
great-great grandmother, Agnes.
- Everyone called her 'Mum'.
- She's not Aboriginal.
I think she is, Kath.
- Oh. Do you think?
- Yeah.
Gee, that'd mean I'd
have some Koori in me.
- Well, you might have.
- Oh.
Why don't you get a
DNA test done, doll?
They'll do it in a day.
Kim!
Is that her? Karen? She's
going the wrong way!
Oh, my god, Kim! I
think it might be her!
Oh!
(ENGLISH ACCENT)
Hello! It's me, Karen!
Oh, Sharon, I knew
you'd be pretty.
Oh, no, Karen, I'm not Sharon.
That's Sharon.
Karen.
Oh, hello.
Um, I bought you a koala.
Oh! I don't like it! Put it down!
Nah, get rid of it!
Oh, it's a fluffy! I thought it was
a real one! Oh, it's a fluffy!
I still don't like it.
Um… so… Karen… you're my sister.
Half.
Yeah, though I can't see the
family resemblance at all.
I think I look more like her.
Same nails.
Oh, snap!
I just love your green and golds.
Aussie! Aussie! Aussie!
Oi! Oi! Oi!
(LAUGHS) Oh, my god.
You've got a Louise
Vuitton roll-on.
Yeah, I got it in Dubai
Airport at the duty-free.
Oh, Sharon, is it? You couldn't
take my trolley, could you?
You know, I would but… nails.
So, anyway, there's a
very funny story about…
Oh, yeah. Well, I've got
a good sense of humour…
- Um, Karen?
- Yes.
Is there anything special
that you would like to do
while you're in Melbourne?
Yeah. I want to meet Hugh Jackmans.
Can we meet him?
And Heath Ledgers and Keith Urbans.
I want to meet them.
We'll see, but first
we're gonna treat you
to the ultimate
Melbourne experience.
A stuffed potato at Fountain Gate and
then we're gonna hit Alannah Hill.
Hit who? I tell you what
I do wanna do, girls.
I want to snog an Aussie guy.
(LAUGHS) Me too.
We are definitely sisters.
Half.
(SIGHS) Right.
So I need a piece
of hair, nails…
and the swab.
(THINKS) So, my great-great
grandmother, Agnes,
could have been the
foreboden subject.
Wow.
So I could actually
have Aboriginal blood.
Well, it makes sense, with
my curly hair and all,
even though it is a perm.
I wonder what my tribe is.
I wonder who my mob is.
KAREN: Four pieces of roti
and a 'muscleman' beef.
And a samosa. Two samosas.
Sorry about all the illegal
immigrants, Karen.
They are not illegal, Kim.
Yeah, well, they
bloody well should be.
It's nothing compared
to back home.
A lot of them don't even try
and talk English proper.
Their accents are all
'fick' and awful.
Haven't got any rice left here.
Ooh! Oh, I could snog him.
Ooh! Tasty!
So, you are a model, Karen?
Oh, yeah. Plus-14 catalogue
model, you know.
- For magazines mostly.
- Wow!
- What sort of magazines?
- Oh, the biggies.
Yeah, 'Fatmopolitan', 'Marie
Fat', 'Fattity Fair'.
Yeah. Yeah.
I work a lot in America, as I'm
actually considered thin there.
Oh!
Maybe I could do that.
You know… be a model!
I don't think so, Sharon.
You do need to be pretty!
- God, you're tragic, Sharon.
- (LAUGHS) She's delusional!
(DIDGERIDOO PLAYS)
Oh! Gee, I'm loving the look
of these traditional recipes.
They're a bit fiddly for me.
Oh, fiddly's fine for me.
(LAUGHS)
No, I'll take that, thank you.
Oh!
Gee, I'd kill for
a Jarrah Vienna.
There's a bush tucker
cafe next door.
- Oh!
- You can get a Jarrah Pitjantjatjara.
Oh, really?
No, I'm only jokin'.
Oh. (LAUGHS)
But it's a nice idea, though.
- Ooh!
- KATH: Oh!
Wow. What's this lift
called, Stephen?
- The koala lift.
- Oh!
I feel more like a possum.
And, Stephen, would I normally
have to go topless for this,
because I don't mind.
With spirit fingers going.
And step.
(TRADITIONAL ABORIGINAL
MUSIC PLAYS)
Step.
And kick the earth
and feel the earth!
And kick the earth
and feel the earth!
Step.
Kick.
(MUSIC STOPS)
Oh, wow! That's
amazing, Stephen.
Where's that from? Is
that from Almond Land?
No. 'Hello Dolly'.
Oh. (CHUCKLES)
I want you to let yourself go.
And I want you to respond
any way you'd like to
and feel the music.
I want to see the
essence of Kath.
OK.
Alright.
(LOW DIDGERIDOO NOTE PLAYS)
(TURNS MUSIC OFF) Stop.
I've… I've seen enough.
I have to say, Stephen, I'm a yuge
fan of the Bangarra Dance Company.
Well, now you've seen my chops,
do you think there's any
chance for a lead for me soon?
- Oh, I'll keep you in mind, Kath.
- Oh, OK.
That'd be really great.
I'd appreciate it.
So I actually have a lot of
different looks for my modelling.
For instance, we've
got Cathy Zeta.
(GASPS) Oh, wow!
See? Yeah. We've
got Irma Thuman.
Oh. See?
And my favourite…
J.Lo Lopez.
Oh, my god! You look
exactly like her.
I do. I do. She said the
same thing herself.
And look how snoggable I look.
Karen, you might want to
wax your welcome mat.
It's creeping right
up your back.
I do not have a welcome mat, actually.
Do I, Kim?
Ignore it, Karen.
Sharon's got a yuge mean streak.
Kim! I do not!
So, um, Karen…
- Yeah?
- …does Mum ever mention me?
No. Never said
nothin' about you.
In fact, I never even knew
you existed till now.
(LAUGHS)
- What's Mum like?
- Oh, she's lovely.
Yeah, we're very close.
Well, she dotes on me.
I'm her princess.
Yeah, she buys me
anything I want.
Well, I've always had
the best of everything…
pony club, holidays in Ibiza.
You name it, Sharon.
Karen, try this on.
I don't believe it. I
do not believe this!
We are exactly the same size!
Oh, come into the bathroom.
I want to tong your hair.
I can't wait to go to the
bathroom and have me hair done.
I've got an idea!
I've got an idea!
(BOTH TALK AND LAUGH)
(SIGHS) What are
you doing, Mrs D?
Oh, I'm just doing my
dot painting, Sharon.
(SIGHS)
Oh, are you alright, love?
Where's Karen?
Oh… upstairs with Kim.
She's just not very nice to me.
Mmm, yeah, I know what you mean.
She struck me as being
a bit of a P in the A.
Oh!
Can I have a biscuit?
Oh, yes. They're Kim's.
She bought those.
Yeah.
It just hasn't really panned
out the way I imagined, Mrs D.
I know. Well, that's
family, Sharon.
I mean, you can't choose them.
Well, actually, you can,
because I have
chosen you and Kim.
- Aw!
- You are my real family.
- This is where the love is.
- Sharon!
You bloody oaf! That was
my last low-GI squash-fly.
Well, I didn't know!
Oh, well, you never know!
(KAREN AND KIM SHOUT)
You don't know!
- She had to have it.
- Time out, please. Time out.
Now, Kimmy, look at me, please.
Sharon, look at me.
Now, Karen, look at me, please.
Look at me.
Now, I've got one
word to say to you.
What do you think of Melbourne?
It's alright.
Though I never got to
meet no-one famous,
you know, like Keith Urban.
Oh!
We've got Keith Urban's
doppelganger right here.
- Hi, Kel.
- Kel, this is Karen.
Sharon's half-sister
from England.
Lovely to meet you, Karen.
Oh! When's the baby due?
I'm not pregnant, Keith!
Oh, what a nob!
Thank you, Karen. I
certainly hope I am.
Come on, Karen. We'd better
get you to the airport.
We don't want you to
miss your flight.
Well, goodbye, Karen.
Nice to meet you.
Now I'll never get to
snog an Aussie hunk.
Hi!
- Oh, maybe I spoke too soon.
- What's your name, gorgeous?
Oh, Karen, this is
my husband, Brett.
Brett, this is Karen…
Sharon's half-sister.
Hi, Karen.
(GROWLS)
Kath, I got your DNA results.
- I picked them up from the lab.
- Oh, gee, that was quick, Kel.
KATH: Kim, tea's ready.
Yeah, I'm here.
Oh, Karen left one of her wigs.
Oh. Oh, gee, she was great.
I love English people.
They're so classy.
You know, you can really see,
when you meet someone like her,
where we come from.
Oh, speaking of where
we come from, Kim,
I found out some very
exciting news today.
I've discovered that I'm
a person of colour.
An Aborigine.
And therefore, Kim, so are you.
What? What are you saying?
I'm saying, Kim, that you and I
are a couple of blackfellas.
What… Aboriginal?
You're kidding.
- You'd better get used to it.
- I think it's fantastic.
Wow. To think that I've got roots
here that are 1,000 years old.
I suppose it explains a lot…
why I look so good in Cathy
Freeman's running suit.
Yeah, alright, Cathy. You can put
down your magazine, please, and eat.
It's delicious.
It's an emu vol-au-vent
with a green-ant coulis.
Kel, why the long face?
I've just been back 20
generations in the Knight family
and I couldn't find one noble person
in the history of the Knights.
Oh, Kel!
Well, how can that be, love,
when you're so darn interesting?
Am I, Kath?
- Well, I just don't know.
- Oh, Kel.
Well, what about on your mum's side
of the family? Have you looked there?
What was your mum's name?
Beryl Aniston.
Aniston? You mean
as in Jennifer?
Yeah.
Well, you know, now you say
it, I can see a resemblance.
So can I.
Here. Put this wig on.
Oh, my god. Mum, look at this!
Same nose. Yeah.
Same chin.
Oh! Well, Kel, there's
your blue blood.
I mean, Jennifer Aniston…
that's showbiz royalty!
We should go to LA
and look her up.
Yes. Oh, why not? We could
stay in her Hollywood mansion.
Oh, wow!
I always wanted to
meet Brad Pitt.
No, no. She's divorced
from Brad Pitt.
She's with Vince Vaughn now.
Actually, I think
they've broken up too.
I tell you, Kim, those DNA tests
are really amazing.
The things I found out
about my ancestors' roots!
Oh! Gee, they got around.
And no wonder I love orange
and I'm so good at
making chicken feet,
because part of me
is 'Mandarine'.
KIM: What, so now I'm Chinese?
God! That leaves
no-one else to bag.
Except maybe the 'Mooslims'.
No, no, no, no.
Because your
great-great-grandfather
on your dad's side
is actually a
Malaysian Islamite.
Yeah, he was one of the
'Koala Lumpan' Bang Bangs.
- On Dad's side?
- Yeah.
How can they find that out
from your DNA?
Oh, it's amazing
the things they can tell you.
- Mmm.
- Yeah.
Anyway, so has Sharon
heard from Karen?
No.
It's interesting, though.
You know, she was
gorgeous to my face?
I actually caught her
going through my make-up,
trying to nick my
Napoleon Perdis.
It really taught
me that, you know,
maybe some white people
aren't very nice either.
- Yeah.
- I don't even think she's a model.
Oh, no, she is, because,
look, here she is,
all over the 'Marie Fat' this month.
- Ah!
(CAMERA CLICKS REPEATEDLY)
- PHOTOGRAPHER: Fantastic.
- Thanks a lot.
I bet these pictures
are (BLEEP).
KATH AND KIM: Oh, it's nice.
It's different.
- KATH: Yeah, it's nice.
- KIM: Yeah, it's unusual.
a joker in the pack
♪ There's always a lonely clown
♪ And there is a jester, just a fool
♪ As foolish as he can be
♪ There's always a joker,
that's the rule
♪ But fate deals a hand and I see
♪ The joker is me
♪ The joker is me
♪ The joker
♪ Is me. ♪
Richmond… Richo…
he's useless, right?
ANNOUNCER: (ON TV) They
talk about our culture
and they talk in our language,
but are they really us?
Or will the new face
of Australia be Asian?
That's so true.
If we let any more in, there'll
be no Australians living here.
Oh, it's such a beat-up, Kim. There's
plenty of room for everyone.
Ow! Brett, don't! It's my couch!
I'm just scared. I'm
scared for Epponnee.
- KEL: Kath, it's back on.
- Oh, yeah, coming, Kel.
Turn that rubbish off, Kim.
Come and watch 'Mary Bryant'.
It's terrific Australian drama.
Here you go, doll.
Oh-ho-ho! Mmm!
Kath, your chicken
feet, 'Mary Bryant'…
life doesn't get much
better than this.
They, uh, just caught her again.
Oh, poor Mary!
KATH: Gee, you'd think she'd
give her face a bit of a wash.
It was pretty hard to keep
clean in that climate.
You know, Kel, my family, on
my mum's side, the Quail side,
were from the Top End.
Yeah, they were actually
quite well-to-do.
So you're from money?
- Oh, we lost it all, of course.
- (LAUGHS)
I remember Mum telling me about
some scandal in the closet.
It was a totally
foreboden subject.
You know, I don't know one
thing about my background…
you know, where I'm
from, way back.
Well, Knight… I mean, that'd
be a noble name, from England.
Hmm.
Yeah, you've probably got royalty
in there somewhere, Kel.
I wouldn't mind knowing a
bit more about my roots.
You know, Kath, it's funny,
'cause I've always thought
I was a bit of a nob.
- Mmm.
- Yeah. A cut above.
Well, why don't you
do a bit of research…
get on the net, look
up some websites.
Mmm, I think I will.
Oh, not now, Kel.
You've gotta finish your chicken
feet, watch 'Mary Bryant'. Oh, look.
- They're washing her face.
- That's a good girl, Mary.
There's so many Asians here.
I mean, where are
the Australians?
Kim! That's very racist.
They ARE Australians.
Yeah, well, hardly
anyone looks like me.
Ha! Lucky them.
Is that supposed to be funny?
'Cause it's not funny what's
happening out there, Mum.
- Open your eyes.
- Oh, shut up, you stupid girl.
Oh, look here. Look, this is Rolf
de Heer's newie… 'Ten Canoes'.
It's all about the Aborigines.
Well, exactly my point.
Why don't those people go
back to where they came from?
(LAUGHS) I think you'll find,
if the Aborigines went back
to where they came from,
we'd be moving out.
Oh, look. There's
Dr Ng and Gung Ho.
Hello! I'm doing
noodles tonight.
Next, please.
Kim! Three packets of
squash-fly biscuits.
No wonder you're 'yuge'.
(SCANNER BEEPS)
What?
I've only got 12 in my basket
and she's got 12.
That adds up to… 24.
MAN: Are you sure?
There's two of us checking
out at the same time.
Do you have FlyBuys?
Sorry?
FlyBuys.
Oh, you mean 'FloyBoys'?
I can't understand you.
Speak Australian.
Yes, I do. How are you, Julie?
(WHISPERS) Good, thanks.
- Kath? Come and have a look at this.
- Wow, I don't believe it.
- What is it, Kel?
- Guess what?
What?
Apparently, I had a Great-Uncle
Neville John Knight
who was the Governor-Surveyor
in Horsham,
surveyor from Horsham
to Colac in 1865.
Oh! That's beautiful,
isn't it, Kel?
It's not exactly
noble, though, is it?
Oh, they're here.
I'll find 'em. (WHISTLES)
(DOOR SLIDES OPEN)
Oh, hi, Sharon.
- You alright, love?
- No, not really.
Oh, I've just been
thinking, you know, Mrs D,
since Kel's doing his
family tree and all that,
about my mum
and, you know, how she abandoned
me when I was just a baby.
Aw! You never talk about
your mum, do you?
Do you know where
she is now, love?
Uh, she went to England.
I know that.
Mmm.
Maybe I should try and
contact her again.
Yeah, why not? Couldn't hurt.
I mean, she would
probably want to know
that I've turned out pretty good,
you know, and found some success…
well, at least in
the sporting arena.
- I'm sure she would, Sharon.
- KEL: Ah! Here it is, Kath.
I knew it. I've got a
cousin who owns a castle.
- Oh, really?
- Yep.
Uh, "Jumping castle for
hire… parties and fetes."
465 Boundary Road, Chirnside.
Well, you're getting
closer, Kel.
Why don't you try googling
your mum, Sharon?
Actually, that's a
really good idea, Mrs D.
- I might try that.
- KATH: Mmm.
Is Kim here?
Yeah, she's in the good room, glued
to that dreadful 'Border Security'.
'Verdel-ho'… that's
the wine I need.
Kath, it says you can do a
thing called a DNA test
to see if you have
any blue blood.
That sounds interesting,
doesn't it?
Yeah.
- SHARON: Hi, Kim.
- Shh!
Mum, we should get a flagpole out
the front, like everyone else.
KATH: What? Aren't you
proud to be Australian?
Yes, of course I'm proud
to be Australian.
I just don't think we should
bang on about it, that's all.
I think we should when our very
way of life is under-threatened.
Oh! Kim, you're beginning
to sound like a Nazi.
Me a Nazi? You're the Nazi.
Well, yes, I am a style-Nazi but
that's about as far as it goes.
I mean we are threatened
by illegal aliens.
KEL: Kath? Aliens! Gawd, Kim!
"Bone me up, Scotty." (LAUGHS)
(SOBS)
What's wrong now?
Oh, you know.
Just… watching you and
your mum fighting.
It's so nice.
I think I will contact
my mum in England.
Well, why would she
want to see you?
I mean, she's probably got
a whole new family by now
and hasn't thought
about you for years.
That is so mean!
You don't know that, Kim!
Anyway, even if she does have
another whole new family,
I'm sure, if she saw
me, she would love me.
Oh, are you? Well, I
wouldn't be too up yourself.
Anyway, can you be quiet?
This is actually important.
MAN: (ON TV) Are
these your bananas?
Mmm. A quantitative surveyor?
Is that different, is it?
Yeah, alright.
1783, yeah.
Look, Kel, I've really gotta go.
OK, doll. Bye. (ENDS CALL)
What's that on your face, Kim?
It's the Aussie flag!
Oh! Stupid girl! Putting
a flag on your face!
It's not even Australian.
It's New Zealand.
(DOOR SLIDES OPEN)
- Guess what.
- You found your mum?
No. Not yet. But guess what.
I have found out that
I have got a sister.
Oh! Oh, my god!
- Sharon, that's exciting!
- I know. I know.
And apparently, she's
absolutely gorgeous.
- So, no family resemblance, then?
- Oh!
No, Kim. She is a model
and she sounds very nice.
But the best part is she's
coming to Melbourne!
When? What?
You will not believe it!
Tomorrow!
Oh! You're kidding me!
Oh, that's surreal!
- Unbelievable!
- I know, I know, I know.
It is meant to be, Mrs D.
She's been working in Sydney.
And then she's gonna be transiting
through Melbourne just for the day,
en route to South Molle Island.
South Molle? Oh, that's right.
Virgin's re-routing
itself through Tulla now.
So, anyway, I said that I
would meet her at the airport
and, you know, show her
round for the day.
KATH: Aw! That's nice. Yeah.
I'm so nervous.
Kim?
Yes, Sharon?
Would you please come
to the airport with me?
You know, hold my hand, sort of?
Oh, yuck! As if!
Oh, go on, Kim.
Alright, Sharon, I'll come,
only because I want to see who's
actually coming into this country.
KEL: I've done six generations
of the Queensland branch
and this is the Adelaide branch.
It's mind-numbing,
isn't it, Brett?
- It sure is.
- Yeah. I'm still researching.
This is the Melbourne
branch now.
Oh, have a look at this.
I'm just downloading it.
- Now, it won't take long.
- I'd better go.
I promised to take
Epps to the park.
- Oh, OK.
- Yeah. No worries.
Take her down the park. (LAUGHS)
You're lucky having
Epps, aren't you?
She's like a little twig on
your family tree, isn't she?
I suppose your family tree stops
with you, doesn't it, Kel? No kids.
Oh, yeah. No twigs.
I guess I'm just
an old, dead stump
in the middle of the
garden, aren't I?
Oh!
Yeah. But I don't
mind, you know.
I quite like it. Somewhere for the
birds to come and sit, you know.
- Yeah. Anyway, better go.
- Go kick the footy, Epps, eh?
- Yeah. Kick the footy.
- That's great stuff.
Yeah. Great.
Kath?
What are you doing? Oh!
Well, you know, with all this
talk about families, etc, etc,
I remembered about all
these old photos I've got.
Oh, gee!
She's a bit of an old-fashioned fox.
Who's that?
Oh, yeah. That's my
Great-Great-Great Aunt Bart.
Oh. Ho-ho!
- Gee, she's got a mean little mug.
- Ha!
- I don't know who that is?
- Mmm.
Look at this one, Kel.
This is the old family station
up in the Northern Territory.
Right.
Who's the, uh, Aboriginal lady?
Where?
There.
Oh, no, Kel, that's my
great-great grandmother, Agnes.
- Everyone called her 'Mum'.
- She's not Aboriginal.
I think she is, Kath.
- Oh. Do you think?
- Yeah.
Gee, that'd mean I'd
have some Koori in me.
- Well, you might have.
- Oh.
Why don't you get a
DNA test done, doll?
They'll do it in a day.
Kim!
Is that her? Karen? She's
going the wrong way!
Oh, my god, Kim! I
think it might be her!
Oh!
(ENGLISH ACCENT)
Hello! It's me, Karen!
Oh, Sharon, I knew
you'd be pretty.
Oh, no, Karen, I'm not Sharon.
That's Sharon.
Karen.
Oh, hello.
Um, I bought you a koala.
Oh! I don't like it! Put it down!
Nah, get rid of it!
Oh, it's a fluffy! I thought it was
a real one! Oh, it's a fluffy!
I still don't like it.
Um… so… Karen… you're my sister.
Half.
Yeah, though I can't see the
family resemblance at all.
I think I look more like her.
Same nails.
Oh, snap!
I just love your green and golds.
Aussie! Aussie! Aussie!
Oi! Oi! Oi!
(LAUGHS) Oh, my god.
You've got a Louise
Vuitton roll-on.
Yeah, I got it in Dubai
Airport at the duty-free.
Oh, Sharon, is it? You couldn't
take my trolley, could you?
You know, I would but… nails.
So, anyway, there's a
very funny story about…
Oh, yeah. Well, I've got
a good sense of humour…
- Um, Karen?
- Yes.
Is there anything special
that you would like to do
while you're in Melbourne?
Yeah. I want to meet Hugh Jackmans.
Can we meet him?
And Heath Ledgers and Keith Urbans.
I want to meet them.
We'll see, but first
we're gonna treat you
to the ultimate
Melbourne experience.
A stuffed potato at Fountain Gate and
then we're gonna hit Alannah Hill.
Hit who? I tell you what
I do wanna do, girls.
I want to snog an Aussie guy.
(LAUGHS) Me too.
We are definitely sisters.
Half.
(SIGHS) Right.
So I need a piece
of hair, nails…
and the swab.
(THINKS) So, my great-great
grandmother, Agnes,
could have been the
foreboden subject.
Wow.
So I could actually
have Aboriginal blood.
Well, it makes sense, with
my curly hair and all,
even though it is a perm.
I wonder what my tribe is.
I wonder who my mob is.
KAREN: Four pieces of roti
and a 'muscleman' beef.
And a samosa. Two samosas.
Sorry about all the illegal
immigrants, Karen.
They are not illegal, Kim.
Yeah, well, they
bloody well should be.
It's nothing compared
to back home.
A lot of them don't even try
and talk English proper.
Their accents are all
'fick' and awful.
Haven't got any rice left here.
Ooh! Oh, I could snog him.
Ooh! Tasty!
So, you are a model, Karen?
Oh, yeah. Plus-14 catalogue
model, you know.
- For magazines mostly.
- Wow!
- What sort of magazines?
- Oh, the biggies.
Yeah, 'Fatmopolitan', 'Marie
Fat', 'Fattity Fair'.
Yeah. Yeah.
I work a lot in America, as I'm
actually considered thin there.
Oh!
Maybe I could do that.
You know… be a model!
I don't think so, Sharon.
You do need to be pretty!
- God, you're tragic, Sharon.
- (LAUGHS) She's delusional!
(DIDGERIDOO PLAYS)
Oh! Gee, I'm loving the look
of these traditional recipes.
They're a bit fiddly for me.
Oh, fiddly's fine for me.
(LAUGHS)
No, I'll take that, thank you.
Oh!
Gee, I'd kill for
a Jarrah Vienna.
There's a bush tucker
cafe next door.
- Oh!
- You can get a Jarrah Pitjantjatjara.
Oh, really?
No, I'm only jokin'.
Oh. (LAUGHS)
But it's a nice idea, though.
- Ooh!
- KATH: Oh!
Wow. What's this lift
called, Stephen?
- The koala lift.
- Oh!
I feel more like a possum.
And, Stephen, would I normally
have to go topless for this,
because I don't mind.
With spirit fingers going.
And step.
(TRADITIONAL ABORIGINAL
MUSIC PLAYS)
Step.
And kick the earth
and feel the earth!
And kick the earth
and feel the earth!
Step.
Kick.
(MUSIC STOPS)
Oh, wow! That's
amazing, Stephen.
Where's that from? Is
that from Almond Land?
No. 'Hello Dolly'.
Oh. (CHUCKLES)
I want you to let yourself go.
And I want you to respond
any way you'd like to
and feel the music.
I want to see the
essence of Kath.
OK.
Alright.
(LOW DIDGERIDOO NOTE PLAYS)
(TURNS MUSIC OFF) Stop.
I've… I've seen enough.
I have to say, Stephen, I'm a yuge
fan of the Bangarra Dance Company.
Well, now you've seen my chops,
do you think there's any
chance for a lead for me soon?
- Oh, I'll keep you in mind, Kath.
- Oh, OK.
That'd be really great.
I'd appreciate it.
So I actually have a lot of
different looks for my modelling.
For instance, we've
got Cathy Zeta.
(GASPS) Oh, wow!
See? Yeah. We've
got Irma Thuman.
Oh. See?
And my favourite…
J.Lo Lopez.
Oh, my god! You look
exactly like her.
I do. I do. She said the
same thing herself.
And look how snoggable I look.
Karen, you might want to
wax your welcome mat.
It's creeping right
up your back.
I do not have a welcome mat, actually.
Do I, Kim?
Ignore it, Karen.
Sharon's got a yuge mean streak.
Kim! I do not!
So, um, Karen…
- Yeah?
- …does Mum ever mention me?
No. Never said
nothin' about you.
In fact, I never even knew
you existed till now.
(LAUGHS)
- What's Mum like?
- Oh, she's lovely.
Yeah, we're very close.
Well, she dotes on me.
I'm her princess.
Yeah, she buys me
anything I want.
Well, I've always had
the best of everything…
pony club, holidays in Ibiza.
You name it, Sharon.
Karen, try this on.
I don't believe it. I
do not believe this!
We are exactly the same size!
Oh, come into the bathroom.
I want to tong your hair.
I can't wait to go to the
bathroom and have me hair done.
I've got an idea!
I've got an idea!
(BOTH TALK AND LAUGH)
(SIGHS) What are
you doing, Mrs D?
Oh, I'm just doing my
dot painting, Sharon.
(SIGHS)
Oh, are you alright, love?
Where's Karen?
Oh… upstairs with Kim.
She's just not very nice to me.
Mmm, yeah, I know what you mean.
She struck me as being
a bit of a P in the A.
Oh!
Can I have a biscuit?
Oh, yes. They're Kim's.
She bought those.
Yeah.
It just hasn't really panned
out the way I imagined, Mrs D.
I know. Well, that's
family, Sharon.
I mean, you can't choose them.
Well, actually, you can,
because I have
chosen you and Kim.
- Aw!
- You are my real family.
- This is where the love is.
- Sharon!
You bloody oaf! That was
my last low-GI squash-fly.
Well, I didn't know!
Oh, well, you never know!
(KAREN AND KIM SHOUT)
You don't know!
- She had to have it.
- Time out, please. Time out.
Now, Kimmy, look at me, please.
Sharon, look at me.
Now, Karen, look at me, please.
Look at me.
Now, I've got one
word to say to you.
What do you think of Melbourne?
It's alright.
Though I never got to
meet no-one famous,
you know, like Keith Urban.
Oh!
We've got Keith Urban's
doppelganger right here.
- Hi, Kel.
- Kel, this is Karen.
Sharon's half-sister
from England.
Lovely to meet you, Karen.
Oh! When's the baby due?
I'm not pregnant, Keith!
Oh, what a nob!
Thank you, Karen. I
certainly hope I am.
Come on, Karen. We'd better
get you to the airport.
We don't want you to
miss your flight.
Well, goodbye, Karen.
Nice to meet you.
Now I'll never get to
snog an Aussie hunk.
Hi!
- Oh, maybe I spoke too soon.
- What's your name, gorgeous?
Oh, Karen, this is
my husband, Brett.
Brett, this is Karen…
Sharon's half-sister.
Hi, Karen.
(GROWLS)
Kath, I got your DNA results.
- I picked them up from the lab.
- Oh, gee, that was quick, Kel.
KATH: Kim, tea's ready.
Yeah, I'm here.
Oh, Karen left one of her wigs.
Oh. Oh, gee, she was great.
I love English people.
They're so classy.
You know, you can really see,
when you meet someone like her,
where we come from.
Oh, speaking of where
we come from, Kim,
I found out some very
exciting news today.
I've discovered that I'm
a person of colour.
An Aborigine.
And therefore, Kim, so are you.
What? What are you saying?
I'm saying, Kim, that you and I
are a couple of blackfellas.
What… Aboriginal?
You're kidding.
- You'd better get used to it.
- I think it's fantastic.
Wow. To think that I've got roots
here that are 1,000 years old.
I suppose it explains a lot…
why I look so good in Cathy
Freeman's running suit.
Yeah, alright, Cathy. You can put
down your magazine, please, and eat.
It's delicious.
It's an emu vol-au-vent
with a green-ant coulis.
Kel, why the long face?
I've just been back 20
generations in the Knight family
and I couldn't find one noble person
in the history of the Knights.
Oh, Kel!
Well, how can that be, love,
when you're so darn interesting?
Am I, Kath?
- Well, I just don't know.
- Oh, Kel.
Well, what about on your mum's side
of the family? Have you looked there?
What was your mum's name?
Beryl Aniston.
Aniston? You mean
as in Jennifer?
Yeah.
Well, you know, now you say
it, I can see a resemblance.
So can I.
Here. Put this wig on.
Oh, my god. Mum, look at this!
Same nose. Yeah.
Same chin.
Oh! Well, Kel, there's
your blue blood.
I mean, Jennifer Aniston…
that's showbiz royalty!
We should go to LA
and look her up.
Yes. Oh, why not? We could
stay in her Hollywood mansion.
Oh, wow!
I always wanted to
meet Brad Pitt.
No, no. She's divorced
from Brad Pitt.
She's with Vince Vaughn now.
Actually, I think
they've broken up too.
I tell you, Kim, those DNA tests
are really amazing.
The things I found out
about my ancestors' roots!
Oh! Gee, they got around.
And no wonder I love orange
and I'm so good at
making chicken feet,
because part of me
is 'Mandarine'.
KIM: What, so now I'm Chinese?
God! That leaves
no-one else to bag.
Except maybe the 'Mooslims'.
No, no, no, no.
Because your
great-great-grandfather
on your dad's side
is actually a
Malaysian Islamite.
Yeah, he was one of the
'Koala Lumpan' Bang Bangs.
- On Dad's side?
- Yeah.
How can they find that out
from your DNA?
Oh, it's amazing
the things they can tell you.
- Mmm.
- Yeah.
Anyway, so has Sharon
heard from Karen?
No.
It's interesting, though.
You know, she was
gorgeous to my face?
I actually caught her
going through my make-up,
trying to nick my
Napoleon Perdis.
It really taught
me that, you know,
maybe some white people
aren't very nice either.
- Yeah.
- I don't even think she's a model.
Oh, no, she is, because,
look, here she is,
all over the 'Marie Fat' this month.
- Ah!
(CAMERA CLICKS REPEATEDLY)
- PHOTOGRAPHER: Fantastic.
- Thanks a lot.
I bet these pictures
are (BLEEP).
KATH AND KIM: Oh, it's nice.
It's different.
- KATH: Yeah, it's nice.
- KIM: Yeah, it's unusual.