Kath & Kim (2002–2007): Season 4, Episode 8 - Wedding of the Century - full transcript

♪ There's always a joker in the pack

♪ There's always a lonely clown

♪ And there is a jester,
just a fool

♪ As foolish as he can be

♪ There's always a joker,
that's the rule

♪ But fate deals a hand and I see

♪ The Joker is me

♪ The Joker is me

♪ The Joker

♪ Is me

I knew he wouldn't come.



Come on, Sharon, it was a big ask

expecting him to spend
the rest of his life with you.

- Kim!
- What? I'm just being honest.

You've been jilted.
He's not coming.

Sharon, love, look, we've
been waiting an hour now

and the carnie folk person said they
can't hold the ride any longer.

- I think you better cancel, love.
- Thanks very much.

Hey, great news! It's
OK, it's OK, everyone.

- He's on his way?
- Oh, no, Sharon. No, sorry.

That was the real estate people.
The settlement's on Monday.

- So we can move in?
- Yeah, we get the keys at 9am.

Oh! That is good news,

because we need your room back
toot suite for our new business,

because we need to
start the makeover.



Well, aren't you going to
congratulate us, Sharon?

I mean, getting the apartment early,
that's a pretty big thing, you know?

This is the worst
day of my life.

Why did I get my
hopes up again for,

just to have them cut
down in one foul swoop?

I wish I'd never met him!

I wish I'd just stayed
desperate and dateless Sharon!

(WAILS)

Kim, now that I've retired,

I'll be spending a whole
lot more time at home

and I'm looking forward to getting
to know you a lot better.

I don't know, I see it as a chance
to iron out our differences…

you know, paper over our cracks.

Yeah, but I was really
counting on that money.

Oh, thanks. What's happened?

Work's refusing to pay me out.

What? You've worked
there for ten years

and now you're out on
your arse with diddly?

- God, you're a wuss, Brett.
- They lied to me, Kim.

They said they'd give me a promotion
if I sacked all my mates.

Then they sacked me after
I do their dirty work!

They're corporate
psychopaths, Kim.

Yes, they are, Brett,

and that is why their wives are
happily driving around in Hummers!

- I wish I'd married a psychopath.
- I'm sorry, Kim.

Maybe this interview
goes alright today.

Let me finish your
face, come on.

- I don't want to wear make-up.
- It's not make-up,

it's power base and
lip-gloss for guys.

- All the powerbrokers wear it.
- It looks stupid.

Does Donald Trump look stupid?

I just don't think it's going to
help me get the job, Kim.

Brett, like it or not,
people sum you up

the first second they see you.

Oh, hello! Priscilla,
Queen of the Desert!

- I'm washing it off.
- Brett! Mum!

What? What did I say?

Brett's going for Head
of Sales and Marketing

for Krispy Kreme today.

Oh, today… oh, Brett,
fingers and toes, love.

- Thanks. (SIGHS)
- Kim, those DVDs!

Those bloody DVDs. You've
had them out for months.

I told you to take them back.

You haven't even watched them.

Give it a bone, Mum. I said
I'd take them back, alright?

Yes, alright, well do it.

Hi, Mrs D. Hi, Kimmy.

Hi, Sharon. Hi, Kel.

Hello, Sharon.

Why the red face?

Have you been out all
night again Sharon?

Yep.

It's on again, Mrs D.

I am having a purple patch.

Oh, you've got a few purple patches
on your neck, there, love.

They're love bites.

You better be careful, Sharon,
you're going to get a reputation.

Everyone's already saying
you're the biggest hoe

in Fountain Lakes.
- Oh and who's everyone, Kim?

You, precisely.

- So, same guy?
- Oh, yeah.

So when do we get to meet him?

- Soon.
- Yeah?

Things are getting
really serious, Mrs D.

Well, you should bring
him over, Sharon.

Maybe tomorrow.

Have we got anything
on tomorrow, Kel?

I certainly hope you won't have.

Oh, stop it, Kel!
You're outrageous.

Yeah, just bring
him over, Sharon.

We could do something
casual, no pressure.

Maybe a Barbie, doll?

Yeah and I'll give him
a darn good grilling,

like I'm going to
give my king prawns.

- Oh! Prawns, yummy!
- And I can do

my hundred island dressing.
It's low-joule.

- Alright, I'll ask him.
- I'll look up my recipes here.

I think you'll really
like him, Kim.

Yeah, the point is, how
much will he like me?

I'm scared. Maybe too much.

I don't want to steal another
guy away from you, Sharon.

Another guy! Kim! God,
you've got tickets.

It only happened once.

Anyway, I'm not worried. He
is strictly a one-woman guy.

Come on, Kim. Come on. Alright.

(SHARP BRAKE) Oh, that
apartment's still for sale.

- It'd be so perfect for us.
- Maybe, if I get that job.

(CAR BEEP)

- Kim, that car's trying to get out.
- Yeah, I know.

Oh, it's so nice.

(MORE URGENT BEEPING)

Kim, move the car. They could
be our neighbours one day.

Blow it out your arse!

You know, I'm not used to
you being at home all day.

It's a bit surreal.

(CHUCKLES) Well, I should have
done this years ago, sell the shop.

Now we can do things
together… travel, study.

You know, we could even open
our own small business together.

I mean, why not?

Everyone else is doing it with
varying degrees of success.

With your nouse and
my small talk,

there's no way that
we couldn't fail!

Yeah. (CHUCKLES)

Anyway, let's make a mental note
to think about that, hey, doll?

Now, I'm just doing the shopping list
for tomorrow, you know, for Sharon.

Oh, she's so excited.
It's beautiful to see.

Mmm, I certainly
hope he turns up.

Sharon's had plenty of
no-shows in the past.

Yeah, poor Sharon.

Anyway, so far I've got
down 2kg of prawns, green,

dips, four pack, two
times pita chips, poppy…

- What else do we need?
- Salad stuff, mesclun mix.

Yes, masculine mix, good.

Cherry toms. Actually, no. I'll
get tear drops. They're nicer.

Tear drops. Isn't it quiet here?

You know, with the kids gone.

Yeah, it is quiet.

And you know, Kel, if Brett gets
this job and him and Kim move out,

this scenario could
be an ongoing one.

Mmm. (KOOKABURRA CALL)

You can even hear the
kookaburras, Kel.

(CHUCKLES)

It's like we're living
in the country.

You and I are in our
own little love nest,

aren't we, birdy-lady?

We're just like a couple
of crazy kookaburras

in our comfy, country cottage.

How about I ruffle your
tail feathers, kooka?

Oh! Oh!

(IMITATES KOOKABURRA CALL)

Oh, Kel! Stop it, stop.
Oh, Kel, not here.

- Not here, doll.
- Why not? There's no one here.

We can do it anywhere
we damn-well please.

Alright. Oh, Kel. Oh, Kel.

Oh, that feels nice, doll.
What do you call that?

Sorry, that's the
Donna Hay pencil.

Kel! Oh, Kel.

(AGGRESSIVE CAR BEEPING)

(REVVING)

(REPEATED BEEPING)

How'd you go?

I don't know. I don't think so.

Why can't I break through?

What am I doing wrong?

You've got a smell of loser
about you at the moment.

People find that a turn-off.
I know I do.

Yeah, well the idea is that
Kath and I will open up a BnB,

which makes perfect sense because
we've got the matching polo tops

and I love talking to people,
especially early in the morning.

Yeah, I know.

So where, Kel?

Haven't decided.

Any word on the new job yet?

Nah. I reckon I'll
find out Monday.

I'm not confident, Kel.

Yeah you have got a
whiff of desperation

about you at the moment, Brett.

- Hi, everyone.
- Oh, hi Sharon. Oh!

Whoa! You look great.

Beautiful, Sharon.

Look at you, Sharon, dressed to…
(STATIC SHOCK)

Ow! Oh, steady.

Thanks, Mrs D.

So where is this so-called
boyfriend of yours?

Not just in your head, I hope?

Oh, he'll be here.

So tell us, Sharon…
ow… what's he like?

- We don't know anything about him.
- Is he like Kel, also gorgeous?

Well, Mrs D, his name's Wayne

and he works in the
corporate sector.

ALL: Oh!

- Doing seminars and stuff.
- Oh, yeah, corporate gigs, right.

So what pacifically does he do?

Actually, you're not
going to believe this…

he is a Shane Warne
impersonator.

- ALL: Oh!
- That is perfect for you, Sharon.

Oh, I mean, he's not
a very good one.

I mean, you can tell it's not him.
(GASPS) Here he is!

Everyone, this is Wayne.

- Hello, Wayne.
- Hi.

- G'day, spunky.
- Sorry I'm late.

Why didn't you call or SMS me?

I don't know how to text. I
don't even have a mobile.

Pity about the prawns, Kel.

I'm going to wash
these glasses, darl.

You done?

Look, look!

He's proposing.

He's not proposing, she is.

Yes. (GASPS)

- Wow! He said yes!
- Oh, that's a first.

Go, Wayne. Wayne, give
it to me, give it to me!

Oh, geez.

- Kim, it's just a game!
- You nearly…

Wayne. It's over there, Wayne.

Run, mate. Here to me!
Here to me!

(GROANS) You right?

Who's got it? Wayne, Wayne!

(GROANS)
I'll get it, I'll get it.

Oh, Wayne. Sorry.

Yes! Oh, yes! Great ball!

You've been bloody
ball-tampering, Sharon.

Oh, Kim. You're out.
You're out, love.

- Come on, Wayne. You have a bowl.
- No, no. I don't know how.

- BRETT: Oh, come on.
- No, you'll love it. It's fun.

OK, I'll give it a go.

Hold that.

Go on. That's it.
Bring it on, Wayne.

Oh, don't worry. Have
another go, Wayne.

How about I teach you
how do to the Flipper?

OK. Alright?

OK. It's all in the flick.
Right? OK? Watch carefully.

(CHEERING)

Bretty, out! You're off or a duck.
(LAUGHS)

Oh, really?

So do you get much work?

Oh, I never stop. Weddings,
parties, bucks, hens…

Warnie would sue me if he knew
the money I was making off him.

BRETT: Yeah? Maybe
I could do that.

Yeah. Who would I impersonate?

Movie stars… Mmm.

Hugh Jackman? Ashton Kutcher?

WAYNE: Maybe Wallace.

Yeah, Wallace from
Wallace and Gromit!

Yeah! He's a bit
of a loser, too.

Oh. Mmm.

I actually bought it ages
ago… you know, just in case.

It's what's called
a brown diamond.

Oh, a brown diamond.

It's nice.

ALL: It's nice, it's
different, it's unusual.

So when's the big day?
Have you set a date?

Yeah, two weeks from tomorrow.

Oh, two weeks?
Gosh, that's soon!

Oh, well we don't
want to wait, Mrs D.

Wayne has been saving himself
for his wedding night.

Gee, two weeks. That doesn't
give us a lot of time, Sharon.

You've got to book
in for your lipo,

your lip-line, your laser…
you know, your tash.

A Brazilian. I can
do that for you.

Ew. I mean book you in.

I've had a gazillion Brazilians.

Actually, you might need a
whole South American, Sharon.

- Oh, well what about a venue, love?
- That's all sorted, Mrs D.

Where?

Well, just think of the
most romantic place

you can think of in Melbourne.

I don't know, the Arts Centre?
Birrarung Marr?

Uh-uh. Luna Park!

Yep, we are going to say our
vows on the Shock Drop!

Luna Park! Yeah, just for fun.

Oh, my God. I'm so
good at the dodgems.

Don't put me on those rides, please.
I'll lose my lunch for sure.

I just found these
DVDs in the bin.

Kim, you said you
took those back!

I don't know how
they got in there.

- Kim!
- What?

Everyone, you are staring at
the new Head of Logistics

for Sprinkles at Krispy
Kreme Chadstone.

Oh, my God!

Better still, better still,
Computer City came through

with my retrenchment pay-out… $20k!
- Oh!

You mean we can go
for the apartment?

- Yep.
- And you can finally move out!

- Kath, I've just had a brainwave.
- Yeah?

Why don't we turn this
place into a BnB?

Oh, Kel, yes!

Now we've got Kim's room back,
I mean who wouldn't kill to come

and spend a beautiful weekend
in a period home in Fountain Lakes?

We can plant a vineyard
out by the belvedere.

Yes, we could put a cheese
room in the good room.

Then they really would
have to consider us

for the Gourmet Trail.
- Everyone's wishes are coming true!

(GASPS) Speaking of wishes, Sharon,
what about your gift wishlist, love?

(GASPS)

(POSH VOICE) Alright, well could
you get him to call me back ASAP?

(SIGHS) (POSH VOICE)
Aw, how is Sorrento?

- How are the renos going?
- Shocking.

I've been with Stuart all day.
I am totally braindead.

Oh, now Trude, are you
coming to lunch tomorrow

for the Aboriginal artists?
You know, the Kooris.

Oh, the Kooris! Which
painters are going?

Look, no, I haven't invited any

because I just want to
keep it small, you know,

so it's just going to be Susie, Fae,
Sarah, Carrie… just the girls.

Oh, fun.

I do love the Kooris, though,
they're so gorgeous.

- (SIGHS) Oh, you're good.
- You're so patronising.

You just patronise everyone.

Well, you know, I try, Trude.
It's not easy.

But you do get to pick up some
great dot paintings done dirt-cheap.

- Something for you, why not?
- I know! That's right. And I love it.

Hi, can I help you or are
you just happy browsing?

Oh, no, Sharon's
getting married.

Oh, congratulations.

Beautiful.

Yeah, so we're here to
do the wedding giftlist.

Right. Well, I'll
just get the book.

So, in the bedroom,
do you have a duvet

or beautiful cashmere blankets?

Um… sleeping bag.

Right. What else?
Scatter cushions?

A threw for your carch?

- Um, what did she say?
- I think she means couch, love.

Oh. (SLOWLY) I don't
have a couch.

So, when you entertain, do
you tend towards the formal?

Fish forks, side plates,
fine bone china?

Or do you just put your
Bodum on the table

and everyone helps themselves?

Um, I have a stable table.

Actually, I'll need another
one of those, won't I, Mrs D?

Yes you will, love.

(PHONE RINGS) Don't you love it?

Hello? Oh, hi, Stuart. Look,
I've just had a scary thought…

no more Chinese cabinets
in the dining room.

I'm so over those. OK,
look, I've got to go.

I've got a client. Alright.
Bye-bye.

(GASPS) Mum! Look. A
Phillip Starck bumbalina!

That would look great in
the new apartment. Please!

No, Kim. $99? No way known.

- Please?
- Alright. But you've got to do jobs.

- I will, I'll clean my room.
- I'll have that too, thank you.

- Here we are. Oh, this is great.
- It's nice.

- Yeah, it's really great.
- Where are the bedrooms?

- There aren't any.
- What?

It says two bedrooms
on the board.

Yeah, but they've converted them.
Have a look. Come over here.

It's right down the end.

The first bedroom they converted
into a walk-in wardrobe

slash en suite. Great idea.
- Yeah, I like them.

My clacky mules
could all go there.

- And check this out.
- Yeah?

Second bedroom, now
a home theatre.

(GASPS) Oh! Yeah.

- Oh, it's amazing.
- I knew you'd love it.

It's such a great
use of the space.

Yeah. Beautiful, isn't it? Wow.

Kitchen's massive. We
can sleep in here.

- Well, that's perfect for us.
- Oh, yeah.

- And this could be the DVD cupboard.
- Yeah.

Oh, wow, it's huge. Imagine. I'd
never have to return a DVD.

Oh, I love it. I love it.
Can we get it, Brett?

Can we get it?

Yeah, I think we can.

Bretty…

Still got the smell
of loser, have I?

Yeah, you have a little bit. If
you have some of my vulgari…

Monday.

Tuesday.

Wednesday.

Thursday.

Oh, I'll just use
Monday's again.

- Hello, Sharon!
- Hi!

Congratulations!

- You, getting married.
- Yeah.

Who'd have thought it?

Yes, me and Mum did receive
the invitation. No,

we will not be attending
your nuptials.

Oh, just before I go,
a little message…

Mum did say, although
she's never met you,

she does hate you. Bye!

OK, turn around, I'll
do the other leg.

She's nearly ready!
Geez, Kim, get dressed!

- I am dressed, Brett.
- Oh, you look good.

She's coming, she's
coming, everyone!

- ALL: Oh!
- Oh, Sharon, you look divine.

Oh, wow.

(CRIES) Oh, Sharon!

Don't cry, Sharon.
You'll ruin my face.

It took me three hours to
make her look that pretty.

Come on, love. What's eating you?
Spill your guts.

Oh, Mrs D, you know, I…

I just wish I had someone
to give me away.

Oh, so Bradislav couldn't
make it down from Tewantin?

No, he said he had to stay up there
and try out his new jet ski.

Oh, well, that's fair
enough I suppose.

- Well, I'll give you away.
- Oh.

It'd be my pleasure.

I only wish I could have
given you away, Kim.

- What does that supposed to mean?
- Oh, leave it Kim… come on,

we've got a wedding to go to.
- The cars are here.

They're waiting.
Come on, Sharon.

Let's all gee-up.
Oh, it's exciting.

KIM: Brett, stop here.

Sharon, can you go and drop
these DVDs off for me please?

SHARON: Not now, Kim.

Go on, we're going right past.

- Couldn't you go another time?
- Oh, go on.

Come on!

It's closed, Kim.

Well, put them in the slot!

Stupid.

C'mon Bretty, step on it. I've
waited too long for this day,

the best day of my life.

This is the worst
day of my life!

(WAILS)

Sharon!

(ROMANTIC MUSIC)

- Was that a flipper?
- Yeah.

Sorry, I'm late.

I've been practising at Vic Cricket
as a surprise for you, Sharon.

I love you, Wayne.

(ROMANTIC MUSIC RESTARTS)

Bretty, I can't believe
we're moving on Monday.

Come here, spunk.

Oh, come on all you love-birds.

Sharon, they're holding the
Shock Drop for you, love.

Let's go.

Speaking of love-birds, house
to ourselves as of Monday.

Oh, we'll be happy as a
couple of tits in mud.

(GIGGLING)

CELEBRANT: (YELLING) I now
pronounce you man and wife!

(SCREAMS)

Oh, these little boys are yummy.
Have another one.

(GROANS) Woo!

(GROANS) You right?

(VOMITS)

(GROANS)

Oh, Kel…

(VOMITS)

Blow it out your arse!

(SPOOKY LAUGHTER)

There was something in here!

There was something touching me!

That's not fake.
That's not fake.

Bye, everyone! Bye-bye!

- Oh, Sharon!
- Oh, it should have been me. Oh, no.

Careful! That's an
antique, you know.

Kim? Kim! Come in here.

Come and have a look
at my cheese room.

I've just set it all up.
It's beautiful.

Look at all my cheeses. I've got
your baby cheeses, your Bega,

- Coon… - they're beautiful.

Cheese Singles, they're super
diet-life, good for you.

You know, Mum, now
I'm moving out,

I never realised what
a dump this place is.

(SCOFFS) I never saw it before,

but I've been living
like white trash.

(PHONE RINGS) Oh, well I
notice you never took out

the white trash while
you were living here.

- It's alright, Kim, I'll get it.
- It's still my dump.

Hello, Kath and Kel's Kountry
Kottage, Kath speaking?

Come on Kim, we've got
to get to the bank.

Yes. It's for you. Here, Kim.
It's the video shop.

Hello? Yes?

What? You can't do that.

Alright, I understand.

That's it. We're not moving.

What? What's happened?

Evidently I have DVD overdue
fines in excess of $90k

and if I don't pay by tomorrow,

they're going to call the cops!
- Oh, no! They can't do that.

- No way!
- Oh, Kim.

What? It's not my fault
people make boring films

that I get out and never
feel like watching!

No, the BnB! No!

Kimmy, I've just finished putting
all the soap sachets in the toot!

Sorry, Kath. I can't breathe.
(WHEEZES)

Kel, calm down. Calm down.

- It's alright.
- (WHEEZES) Can't breathe!

Oh, shut up, Kel. It's
not all about you!

- You're an idiot, Kim.
- What did you say to me?

Don't speak to me like that!
I want a divorce!

Oh, jingies, what
else could go wrong?

Sharon!

What's happened, love?

Wayne's bought a mobile phone.

(ALL GROAN)

Here we go again, peoples.

Alright, Kim, can you get
the boomerang pillow

out of the good room?

Why do I always have to
get the boomerang pillow?

- Because I said so.
- Well, it's heavy!

- Go and do it, please!
- No!

Mmm.

- Oh, this is nice.
- Oh, it is nice

to take five

after all the drama.

You know Mum,

I can't believe you haven't got

a home theatre. I mean,
it's so embarrassing.

I can't invite all
my friends over.

Friends? Who precisely?

Tina. (SCOFFS)

Your one friend who
we've never seen.

I was really looking forward

to watching Flushed Away

in surround sound in
the new apartment.

Oh, well, have some Coon.

I've got tons of it

left in the garage.

Oh, give some to Sharon.

- She's comfort-eating.
- Poor Sharon.

No, I've got no sympathy

for her. She brings it

on herself. She scares them off.

She's such an emo.

(CHUCKLES) A tickle-me-emo!

Yeah.

Anyway, you know,
I've got a feeling

it's not over.

I reckon Wayne will be back

and sooner than you think.

Hey, move your legs, Kim.

You're such a spa hog!

Mum! What are you doing?

BOTH: Oh, hello, Wayne.

You see, Kim? I knew
he'd come back.

I could feel it in me waters.

I was just looking
for my flipper.

Oh, would you like a
flute of bubbles, Wayne?

Don't mind if I do. Oh.

So, tell us, Wayne… you and Sharon…
any chance of getting back together?

Well, we're trying. I don't
know what went wrong.

Oh, I do, Wayne. It's OK. You saw
me in all my unnatural beauty

and, you know, ba-ba-ba-bing,
ba-ba-ba-bang, you're only human.

- I'm used to it.
- No, Kim, that wasn't it.

Oh. As if. Well, look,

whatever it was, Wayne,
it's none of our bees' wax.

Anyway, cheers. Cheers.

- Good to see you back. Thank you.
- (ROMANTIC MUSIC)

- It's nice in here, isn't it?
- Yeah.

KATH AND KIM: It's nice,
it's different, it's unusual.