Kath & Kim (2002–2007): Season 4, Episode 5 - House - full transcript

♪ There's always a joker
in the pack

♪ There's always a lonely clown

♪ And there is a jester, just a fool

♪ As foolish as he can be

♪ There's always a joker,
that's the rule

♪ But fate deals a hand and I see

♪ The joker is me

♪ The joker is me

♪ The joker

♪ Is me. ♪

KATH: Oh, Kel, not again, love.



What's going on? Brett!

(WHISPERS) Sorry, sorry,
just trying to find the toilet.

Sorry!

(TOILET FLUSHES, CISTERN RUNS)

KATH: Bang the toilet,
please, Brett.

BRETT: Yeah, sorry.

(THUMPS TOILET)

(SILENCE)

(WHISPERS) Thanks, sorry.
Thank you.

KATH: I know.

What's going on?

Kim, it's 4:30!
Turn the light off.

I've got to go to the toilet!

Shut the door!



(TOILET FLUSHES)

KATH: Did you wash your hands?

Kim?

Come back and bang
the toilet, please.

(CISTERN RUNS)

(TUTS)

(THUMPS TOILET REPEATEDLY)

(SIGHS) Come on.

Whose bright idea was it

to turn the bathroom into
a bedroom for Epponnee?

We've lost a toot now.

Oh, she was keeping
us awake all night.

Yeah, well, look who's
waking us up all night now.

Come on, Brett, hurry up.

(TOILET FLUSHES, CISTERN RUNS)

Sorry, Kath.

It's OK, Brett. (GAGS)

(MUTTERS) Brett, can you
put the fan on, please?

You know, Kim,
Epponnee's growing up.

There's just no room for
you all here anymore.

I mean, you're almost 27.

You should be putting
down a deposit.

I'd paid off my flat, and
single, by that age.

Oh, that is so old-school.

I mean, people stay home till
they're 30-plus these days.

Why did you have me if
you can't look after me?

(SIGHS) Well, if you're not going
to move out, Kim, maybe I will.

That'd be good, actually.

Oh, shut up, Kim. (BANGS TOILET)

(EPPONNEE COOS)

You don't own this
house, you know, Kel.

KATH: No, Kim, I do.

And while Kel is
here at my behest,

I expect you to treat
him as such, please.

- I better go.
- KATH: Oh, OK. Bye, doll.

(TREADS ON SQUEAKY TOY)

Watch where you're going.

Oh! Kel's left his Anti
Cancer Council sunnies.

Kel!

You want some of
this cheese, Epps?

Oh, look! Ooh, it's nice.

KATH: Kel.

Kelly, doll, sorry.

- You forgot these.
- Thanks.

You alright, Kel?

Kath, I'm not just
here at your behest.

- I am your husband.
- Oh, well, I know that!

I didn't mean that. You know, it's
just a silly slip of my tongue.

Yeah, but it was a Freudian
slip of your tongue, wasn't it?

Oh, what's that
supposed to mean?

Well, you're right.
This is your house.

Wouldn't it be nice if we had our
stakes in something together?

Well, yeah, it would be.

And you know, if we had the dough,
I'd love to buy Mandy's house.

Sell here and kill two birds.

What, Mandy and Kim?

Ha! Yeah. Well, I guess
we've already killed Mandy.

She's flying off to Poowong

to grow agapants on
a commercial scale.

It's a beautiful house. I'd
love to have a gander inside.

Yeah. Well, we never got the
invite, did we? (LAUGHS)

Oh, it's open tomorrow.

Oh, let's go and have a
squiz, just for fun.

- Alright, OK.
- Alright, doll, bye. Mmm.

Have a nice day.

Kim, you are going to have to
cull some of Epponnee's toys.

They're taking over.

(PLUSH TOY GURGLES)

Shh! Stop singing,
Furby, please.

OK.

It's like a brothel in here!

Is it, Mum? I wouldn't know.
Never been in one, unlike you.

Stop it, Kim. Shut up, Furby!

Hello, Sharon.

Hi, Mrs D. Hi, Kimmy.

What are all the bags for?

Well, I've been kicked
out of my flat.

KIM: Why?

Well, my dad came back
from Tewantin today

and he wants his flat back.

Yeah, and Debbie, my step-mum,

has decided to stucco
it and double the rent.

Oh, well, Sharon, love,
you can't stay here.

We're chockers at the moment.

Can you go to a
motel or something?

SHARON: I haven't got any money.

I've been retrenched. They're
closing down the hospital.

Oh, no, not the Repat?

Yeah, yeah, they're going
to turn it into flats.

They've decided to stucco
it and double the rent.

(TUTS) Such a whinger.
It's not that bad.

(RAISES VOICE) Not that bad?
Not that bad, Kim?

I have got no flat, no job

and no love-life. (SOBS)

KATH: Oh, alright, Sharon, love.

You can stay here and
sleep on the fold-out

until you work something out.

Oh, thanks, Mrs D.

You know, now, on
top of everything,

all this stress has given me
irritable bowel syndrome.

(FART!) Shut up, Furby!

Oh, actually, that
wasn't Furby, Mrs D.

HOST: 999, going once, twice…

- Deal or no deal?
- SHARON: Deal!

Deal!

She's wearing my top.

Do I look as fat as her?

Yes!

What?

Deal! Deal! Take the bank offer!
Deal!

CONTESTANT: Um, deal.

ALL: Yes!

Oh, you're good at this, Sharon.

KIM: She just won 13
grand, that fat one.

- You should go on it.
- Really?

Oh.

Maybe I should.

I mean, imagine if I
won the 200,000 grand.

That would solve
all my problems.

Not all your problems.

And frankly, Sharon, I don't
think they'd let you on TV.

They're going for a pacific type.
You know, young and pretty.

Oh.

Yeah, I suppose
you're right, Kim.

Well, maybe I should
take someone with me.

Who do I know who's
young and pretty?

Hello!

(SCOFFS)

Yeah, I suppose you could
come with me, Kim.

Alright, stop your begging.
I'll come.

(DOOR OPENS)

- KATH: Who's that?
- SHARON: Oh, it's just me, Mrs D.

Won't be a Mo.

There's a toot
downstairs, Sharon.

Oh, no, that one's
blocked, Mrs D.

Blocked.

This house is just
too damn small.

KEL: It's nice.

(GASPS) Oh!

Wow!

Look at that, Kel.

Mandy's pulled out all
the period alcatrazes.

(TUTS) Oh, that's a crime.

Great house, though.
Great bones.

What era is it, Kath?

Oh, it's definitely
turn-of-the-century.

Which century, I can't
say, but probably both.

KEL: Gee, I'd like to have a
good go at Mandy's drawers.

What, Kel?

Mandy's walk-in. Look at this.

She's got her smalls
in with her tees.

Ooh! (CHUCKLES)

Yeah, look at the
fretful work, Kel.

I can just see my maidenhairs hanging
all along the veranda there.

Oh, I love it. (TUTS)

I know, but the stamp duty
alone would cripple us.

(SLOP!)

Hey!

Oh! (TUTS)

Kim, stop that!

Come on, Sharon!

Oh! You look nice.

Is that a new skirt?

It's not a skirt. It's shallots.

Oh. Right. It looks lovely.

Just excuse me.

Ow!

Sharon!

Excuse me. We're here for the
'Deal' audition. Excuse me.

Excuse me! God!

SHARON: Oh, wow! Kimmy,
look at the stable of stars!

With my amazing
looks and talent,

won't be long before somebody
puts me in a stable.

Yeah.

KATH: Kel!

Kel! Did you see someone
just bought Mandy's house?

I know. I actually know the guy.

Really? Who?

You should see his wife. She's a real fox.
I quite fancy her.

Kel.

Oh, what's the
Yellow for, Brett?

Go on, tell her, Kel.

Have a flute, foxy. We're
moving up in the world.

Well, next door, actually.

Kel, what are you saying?

I bought Mandy's house.

Oh, OH! What? Congratulations.

Well, what with?

I used my nest egg. I
got a great price.

I told them we were
desperate for it.

- You shouldn't tell them that.
- Oh, no, stay with me, Brett.

I wrong-footed them. I put in
an offer well OVER the reserve.

KATH: Oh, Kel J. Hooker,
you're the best.

We're gonna have to
sell here, Kath.

Oh, well, I'm over here. And
soon I'll be over there.

Can you organise a real
estate agent today?

- You know, get the ball rolling.
- Oh, no way, Jose.

I can sell this house myself.

I did the TAFE course in
Real Estate last year.

SHARON: Guess what. We're
gonna be on 'Deal'.

KATH: Oh!

KEL: You're kidding!

I blitzed the interview.
See, you're NOT stupid, Kim.

Who said I was?

I dunno.

Oh, look, crack open another
bottle of the Yellow, Brett.

And can I put on
some footy franks?

Yeah, go for it, go for it.

Well, we've got some exciting news too.
Guess what.

We've just bought Mandy's house.

KIM AND SHARON: Oh, my God.

You mean we're finally going to
get this house to ourselves?

Oh, no, no, Kim. We'll
have to sell here.

Oh, we'll have to clean your
room out from top to bottom.

OK. Just move it next door.
What's my new room like?

- Have I got an ensuite?
- No, Kim.

You're not coming to Mandy's.
It's just for Kel and me.

It's our official love
nest, isn't it, doll? Kel.

KIM: Is this your idea, Kel?

You thought you
could waltz in here

with your zip-up shoes and
your yoghurt-and-muesli breath

and rule the roost.

But there was one big, fat problem
in your way, wasn't there?

Me.

I'm smarter than you,

I've got a higher IK than you,

and you… can't… handle it.

KATH: Oh, poo, Kim, I can
smell your breath from here.

You ruined everything, Kel. We
were happy before you came along.

Oh, well, I wasn't. I wasn't.

Neither was I.

Well, get stuffed, the pair of Youse.
I'm not moving.

Oh. So, what, Kim?

You're gonna stay here with
the new owners, are you?

- Once we sell, you have to move.
- IF you sell.

Oh, we'll sell.

And well.

Once I've weaved my magic wand.

Oh, gee, we could have a
water feature over there.

That's amazing. I don't believe it.
The luck of the Irish.

- What, Kel?
- Hard rubbish day… tomorrow.

(WATER GUSHES LOUDLY)

(TUTS, GROANS)

No! Kim!

Kill you.

KATH: Good afternoon.

Here you go.

Yes, have a browse.

Oh, one for you, sir. Thank you.

(MAN COUGHS)
(WOMAN LAUGHS SCORNFULLY)

G'day, foxy. Do you
come with the house?

Shh, Kel.

Can I get your contact
details, please, sir?

- Oh, yes, certainly. It's Kel Knight.
- Yes.

- KIM: Mum! MUM!
- Kim?

I'm not 'Mum', I'm the
real estate agent!

Guess what. 'Deal' just called.
We're on, on Saturday.

Saturday's the auction, Kim. I
need you here. You're the dummy.

Shut up, I am not.

Anyway, I'm not gonna help
you sell my inheritance.

- I'll organise someone, Kath.
- Oh, alright, Brett.

Oh, well, that's great
to hear, Sharon.

So, no doubt all the girls
down at the Sapphires

are going to be rooting
for you today.

All the best. Now, you've also got
someone else to root for you.

- Your friend Kimmy on Briefcase 4.
- Hi, Kim.

Hi.

- How you doing?
- Yeah, good.

That's good.

Now, listen, Kim, if it was
you doing the deals today

and you didn't have any bills to
pay, no rent due or any of that,

what would you spend
your winnings on?

Well, I have a Hummer
fetish, Andrew.

I love petrol guzzlers. I just
love status symbols, basically.

Fantastic, yeah. You and Schwarzenegger.
Hummer fans.

How about you, Sharon? What
would you spend your money on?

Um, well, I was
gonna pay my rent.

Um… I don't really know.

- I don't really have a fetish.
- OK. Good.

Alright, well, we've
got six cases to open.

The Dealadrome is your oyster, Sharon.
Let's deal.

- (LOW-LEVEL CONVERSATION)
- KATH: I think it's time to go.

I think we could go.

Don't know if we should
wait for any more.

Alright. (CLEARS THROAT)

Well, hi, everybody.

And welcome to the auction

of Number 4, Lagoon
Court, Fountain Lakes.

I hope you've all brought
your purses today, peoples,

because this beautiful
property is going to be sold.

Now, firstly, I would like
to congratulate the owners

on their pre-auction makeover.

- You should have seen it before.
- (CHUCKLES)

I won't keep you long,

but I would like to point out some
of the myriad of special features

of this most-loved
and cherished home.

It has six bedrooms, peoples.

Yes, not four, not five,
but six bedrooms,

including one in the garage
and one in the toot.

The best latte in town

is less than 30 minutes
power walk down the street

at the award-winning
Croutons on the Bay.

I mean, talk about convenient.

And city living, I hear you say.

Well, the F19 freeway
is on your doorstep…

literally on your doorstep.

If you don't believe me, just
close your eyes and listen.

It's that close, I tell you.

Anyway, who'll start
me off with a bid

for this home, which
is not so much a home

but a complete lifestyle package

that is Number 4, Lagoon
Court, Fountain Lakes?

Who'd like to start me off?

Anybody.

Anything.

Sharon, it's crunch time.

$10,000 on the table, right now,
that's yours, if you want it.

Or take a 50/50 shot
on Briefcase 24.

You could leave here with $20,000
or you could lose the lot.

Sharon Strezlecki,
deal or no deal?

- AUDIENCE MEMBERS: Deal! Deal!
- Kim?

Kim, what do you think?
Deal or no deal?

Kim? KIM!

Sharon, it's YOUR choice.

No deal.

No deal! Sharon, I
can't believe it.

That's a gutsy manoeuvre,

turning down a bank
offer of $10,000.

- $10,000? You are unbelievable!
- Kim, you weren't paying attention!

(BOTH ARGUE)

ANDREW: Girls. Girls, girls, girls.
Please.

It's almost news time.

Time to do this thing.

Sharon, time to open your case.

Either there's 20 grand
in there or 50 cents.

Sharon Strezlecki,
pop those locks.

Well, look, I'll start
us off, everyone.

I'll start off at $400,000.

At $400,000, let's say $400,000

and I'll take excrements
of $50, peoples,

excrements of $50.

Thank you, sir. We have a bid.
We have a bid there.

At $400,050. We have $400,050.

And… and going once at $400,050.

The property's going
once at $400,050.

Going twice. Going twice.

And sold… to the man in the cap.

Thank you. At $400,050.

Sir, would you like
to step inside?

Thank you for coming, everyone.
The property is sold.

Oh! We sold, we sold! $400,050.

(HISSES) Kath! Kath! Kath!

Kath!

I'm so sorry, Kath, I
thought you'd recognise me.

I thought you knew I
was bidding for you.

What are you saying? That I've
sold the house to myself?

But that means I've got to pay
stamp duty on two properties.

Oh, no… I was being
the vendor bid.

But aren't I the vendor?

Or am I the dummy?
Oh, it's so confusing.

What are we gonna do, Kel?

I don't know. We have to settle
on Mandy's house this week.

Oh, jingies, it's a bloody disaster.
My nest egg! (HYPERVENTILATES)

Here, Kel, breathe, breathe,
breathe, breathe, breathe, breathe.

Hang on a minute. No,
hang on a minute.

I think dummy bidding is
actually illegal now.

So, technically speaking,

we could still hold Brett
to the sale of the house.

And he was unbeknownst.

What? Really?

Yes, if memory serves correctly,

Section 23A, Clause 24 of the
Real Estate Act of Victoria

states that if a dummy bidder is
unbeknownst to the auctioneer

at time of bidding,

all bids stand as thusly stated.

Can I have the bag, Kel?

But, Kath, Brett hasn't got
two brazoos to rub together.

Guess what. I just won
$20,000 on 'Deal'.

- KATH: Oh, my god!
- BRETT: You're kidding!

- Kim, that's just in the nick of time.
- $20,000!

Because Brett's just
bought the house.

What? Brett, you didn't
tell me you were bidding.

Oh, my god, you mean
this house is mine?

I didn't buy the house.
We haven't got any money.

Yes, we have. I
just won 20 grand.

No, Kim. $20,000?

I mean, that's a deposit, Kel.
You can get a loan.

I'll have a word to the
bank for you, Brett,

get you the top interest rate.

No, Kel, please, no, it's fine.
Everything's honky-dory now, Kel.

Everything's gonna be alright.

Oh, let's go and peruse
my beautiful new home.

YOUR new home, Kath?

Oh, sorry, Kel… OUR new home.

Oh, come on.

KATH: Oh, it's exciting…

Kim…

I won the money…
I won the $20,000.

- You said, "No deal."
- No, I didn't.

Kim, I don't want
to buy this house.

- I think your mum's wrong.
- Shut up, Brett.

Listen, Sharon.

We only got on 'Deal'
because of my looks.

No way, Kim. We got through because
I had the fastest fingers.

(MOCKINGLY) "I had the
fastest fingers."

Well, you can get your fat fast
fingers out of my footy franks

and, frankly, out of my house.

I want to knock that
wall out straightaway.

I reckon that would look great…

(HYPERVENTILATES)

Can we put the credenza on the other side?
Can you do that now?

(WHIMPERS)

I'm gonna start packing
up our room tonight.

That'll be good. And then…

Oh. There's Mandy's van.

What's she doing back?

So Mandy's agapants went bust?

Pour me another
wine, please, Kim.

I think you've had enough, Mum.

I'll tell you when I've had
enough, thank you, Kim.

OK.

(SIGHS) I can't believe Mandy.

Gazumping Kel on the front
lawn right in front of me.

Oh, I think it's
disgusting behaviour.

How could she renege on the sale
and buy back her own house?

It doesn't make sense.

Oh, Kim, trust me, if you read
the Real Estate of Victoria Act,

it makes sense.

The loopholes! You
wouldn't believe.

Yeah, well, I can't believe you
gave Sharon back the 20 grand.

Oh, Kim, after watching
you both on 'Deal',

Sharon won that money
fair and square.

You were hopeless.

Spent the whole time watching
yourself on the monitor.

Well, I liked what I saw.

Anyway, what's Sharon going
to do with the money?

Don't know, don't care.

(DOOR OPENS)

KATH: Oh, speak of the devil.

SHARON: Success!

- KIM: What are all the bags for?
- Oh, I've been shopping, Kim.

Yep, I am developing a shoe
fetish with all my winnings.

Oh, Sharon, that's very Sarah Jessica
from 'Sex and the City', isn't it?

Oh, Mrs D, maybe
I'll find a Mr Big.

- Yeah. And then you'll be Mrs Big.
- That'd be right.

Kim!

Kim, I didn't forget you. Ooh!

I have bought you a present.

Ooh! Manolo Blahniks!

Oh! Oh, they're different.

Yeah. It's Manolo's new range.

Manolo Blahnik for Kumfs.

- Oh, they're nice, Kim.
- They're different.

- They're unusual, aren't they?
- SHARON: They are.

- They're different, unusual.
- I thought you'd like that, actually.

Oh, look at that.
Look at the work.

- KIM: They're stunning.
- SHARON: Do you like them?

Oh, wow, Manolo,
you've done it again.

- Mmm. I love them, Sharon.
- I thought you'd like them.

KATH: You're showing your
papilloma there, Kim.

- It's black as anything.
- Shut up, Mum!

KATH: Ooh! I'll
get the Wart-Off.

Kim, can you hurry up with that
triple-cream brie, please?

I shouldn't but I will.

Alright, alright. Here it is.

Oh, you look nice.

You got on your Manolo.

Yep, I've got my Manolo Blahnik

for Kumfs,

my Stella McCartney for Target,

and my Alannah Hill for
the two-dollar shop.

And look at Cujo.

She's wearing

Stella McCartney for Dogs.

Oh, gorgeous.

Yeah. What have you
come as, by the way?

Did you get that from the roof?
So '80s!

No, it's new.

It's Harry Who and George Gross.

It's their Confusion label.
It's a statement.

More of a question… why?

Ha! Kim.

You know, it's funny,

but since I wrote the
blurb for the house,

you know, for the auction,

I've convinced myself

about what a beautiful home

this really is.

I believed my own spin,

which is nice.

Well, it's not so
beautiful for us,

having Epponnee back
in our bedroom.

Oh, no, look!

Cujo's done a doo-doo

right there near Froggy.

Pick that up, please.

That's not Cujo's.

That's Mandy's.

Oh, god,

Mandy's up to her
old tricks again.

Well, fling it back.

It's bad feng-pooey.

Mandy?

I'd be appreciated if you'd keep

Barney out of our
yard too, please.

(SLOP!)

Ow!

Ow, Mandy, ow!

Oh, there's poo on
Stella McCartney!

Stella McCartney's
got poo on her!

Oh, well, fling it back. Right, Mandy.
This is war.

Here, look. Oh!

- There's a little bit.
- Yes. Oh, there's heaps of it.

I'm just gonna use my hands.

- That's Barney's, that's Barney's.
- Oh, I'm not touching it.

Here, we'll fling it onto
HER designer labels… not!

KATH AND KIM: Oh, it's nice.
It's different.

- KATH: Yeah, it's nice.
- KIM: Yeah, it's unusual.