Kath & Kim (2002–2007): Season 4, Episode 4 - Environment - full transcript

♪ There's always a joker
In the pack

♪ There's always a lonely clown

♪ And there is a jester,
Just a fool

♪ As foolish as he can be

♪ There's always a joker,
That's the rule

♪ But fate deals the hand
And I see

♪ The joker is me

♪ The joker is me

♪ The joker

♪ Is me. ♪

- Look, Kath, I'm recycling the moos.
- (KATH GASPS)



- Turn the water off, Kel.
- KEL: Sorry, Kath.

You don't need to rinse them out,

we're on stage nine
water restrictions.

Yeah, but look, all nice and clean
for the recycle men. (CHUCKLES)

You're right about recycling, Kath.
You know, we all need to do our bit.

KIM: Hey, I was watching that.

I have to,
that DVD was due back yesterday.

Yeah, well you can't be on YouTube
and watch the TV at the same time,

you stupid girl.

I'm not the stupid one.

Well, anyway, I'm here to tell you

we're going to have a screen free
evening tonight, Kim.

We're all going to sit down
as a family and play a board game.

Oh, god.
Sounds about right.



If everyone's home for tea, Kel,
I'll have to do a bit of a shop,

so remind me to get
all my green bags, will you?

(FUNKY MUSIC)

Oh, bum!

I forgot my green bags.

Oh…

I'll just buy some more, you can
never have too many. (CHUCKLES)

(FUNKY MUSIC)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Alright, Kel, here we go.

Kel, literature.
Here it is.

Ah, who wrote the classic novel,
Captain Underpants,

that later became
a Hollywood blockbuster,

starring Cate Blanchett

as the underpants?

Bryce Courtenay, I read that
on the plane to Perth in 2004.

Ah, no, Kel.
It's Dav Pilkey.

- Dav Pilkey, see?
- Can I just have a look at that?

I think that might be wrong,
I'll just put that to the side.

This is nice, isn't it?

yeah,
it's better than watching the box.

- Think of the power we're saving.
- Absolutely.

Oh, Kim, a piece of pie.

- Yes!
- Yes, alright.

It's a science question.

Who were the first two people
to land on the moon?

Oh!
Oh, I know this, I know this.

- Armstrong.
- Yes, yes.

Yeah, yeah, Kerry Armstrong
and Buzz Lightyear.

Buzz Lightyear, Kim,
Buzz Lightyear is a toy!

Didn't you learn anything at school?

Well, it's close enough,
give it to me.

No, you're not getting it.

Oh you're so mean!

You got it wrong!

- Mum!
- No, Kim.

I can't help it
if you're an ignoranus.

Ignoranus?
Ignoranus?

- Ignoranus this!
- Oh, Kim!

- Kim!
- Oh…

Stupid girl.

Oh, I was enjoying that.

Oh, look, mine are alright,
let's keep playing.

OK.

- Four.
- Oh, good.

One, two, three, four.
Oh, piece of pie, last piece of pie.

OK, film and television.

This one's got your name
written all over it, Kath.

Alright.

Name three of Barbra Streisand's
most recent hit movies.

Oh, easy peasy.

Um, Nuts, Prince of Tides

and Mirror Has Two Faces.

- Correct.
- Oh…

- That's why I love you.
- Oh…

(EPPONNEE COOS)

Bloody Mum!

I'm not dumb, am I?

Ummm…

Well, I may know
f-all about science,

but I'm a ferocious reader
when the topic is of interest to me.

Like you know, what people
are wearing on the red carpet,

stuff like that.

- Oh, yeah.
- Well, that's really good, Kim, yeah.

It's not my fault
I had a crap education.

And against all advice,
left school at 15 to become a model.

I got chewed up
and spat out by the system.

Oh yeah, you are pretty, Kim.

I know.

I'm getting worried
about Epponnee though.

She is starting to look
more and more like you.

Oh, she'll be right then.

I'm serious, Brett!

She's going to have
to get a good education

if she's gonna get anywhere.

She won't be able to rely
on her looks like I do.

(BIRDS CHIRP HAPPILY)

(TRUCK HORN BLARES)

(CAR HORN BEEPS)

(EPPONNEE CRIES)

What do you want?
Here's your Brax.

Want your Nano?
Do you want your Nano?

(SIGHS)
You know, Sharon,

what she really needs

is one of those DVD players

you can strap onto the pram.

If you really cared about her, you
would have bought her one of those.

Sorry, Kim.

Well, it's just not good enough.

I've allowed you to babysit her,

you know, every time
I've wanted to go out.

And what do I get for that?

You've taught her diddly, which she
already knew, 'cause I'd taught her.

Well, Kim, I think she's bored.

You know, she spent needs to spend
time with other little kids

her own age.
- (EPPONNEE SCREAMS)

Why don't you send her
to a daycare centre or something?

Yeah, I tried to get her into
Silly Sausages on Nepean Highway.

But they had this 'Mean Test'

and I was assessed,
they said I had too much.

Oh, right.

(EPPONNEE SCREAMS)
Alright, Epps, alright,

we'll go to Crispy Cream
and get a doughnut.

Alright, we'll get a tray
of doughnuts.

I mean, she's so bright.

KATH: Yeah, well this is what's
known as 'Fringe Theatre, ' Kel.

(CAR HORN BEEPS)

KEL: And it's a play about
climate change,

sounds pretty serious.

Oh no, apparently it's a comedy.

Oh, beaut.

- I think we might go in, Kel.
- Yep.

- Might get a packet of Fantails.
- (CHUCKLES)

Ow!

(EPPONNEE SCREAMS)

I can't stand it, I'm going in.

No, one more minute.
One more.

(SIGHS) God, you're cruel.
She's had a foul day.

You know, her Tamagotchi died

and then she ran over her iDog
and her Barbie Jeep…

No, that's it…
Gosh, she's tired.

It's alright, mummy's here.

- Mean daddy wouldn't let me come in.
- (EPPONNEE SCREAMS)

What do you want?
There you go.

Oh, that was a nice night out.

Yeah, I really enjoyed it, Kel.

Yeah.

I didn't understand
most of it though.

No, me either, but you know,
that's theatre for you.

Yeah.

What's that?

Kath, don't say anything.

Not very good
for the environment, Mandy.

(EPPONNEE CRIES)
What do you want?

It's 9.30, Kim.

She's tired,
she wants to go to sleep.

Brett, if she wanted to go to sleep,
she'd be asleep.

She's not stupid.

You know,
her brain is like a 'uge squeegee

that we have to fill with info
24 seven,

or she won't pass
her milestones early.

Why don't we just turn the light out
and let her sleep.

(SIGHS) Oh, that's alright, Brett.

Dumb her down.
No lights on, no one is home.

Oh, every light in the house is on!

Oh…

Go in in two minutes,
but crawl in,

so she doesn't hear you and put her
iPod on Baby Mozart Shuffle.

Oh, Kim.
Kel and I just went and saw

the most amazing piece of theatre
at Theatre Works.

It was all about these people

working on an organic farm
and trying to make it sustainable.

Oh, so intricate.

Talk about a plot and a half.

Well, they only had
a plot and a half,

which wasn't quite enough
to make the farm viable.

(EPPONNEE SCREAMS)
Oh, shut up!

- Kim!
- What, I was talking to Epponnee.

- Oh, rude.
- (KIM SIGHS)

Now look at all
the packaging on that.

Look, talk about a waste
of the earth's precious resources.

It's man-made, you fool.

Plastic doesn't come from the earth.

Yes it does, it's made
from petrochemicals.

Oil, which comes from the earth.

Who's the fool now?

Kim, you're eating
the plastic wrapping!

I know, a tastes nicer
than the cheese.

Anyway, I'm doing my bit,
I'm putting it in the recycle.

- Oh, look at this mess.
- (EPPONNEE CRIES)

Oh, go to sleep, Epponnee,
I'm so tired.

Oh, you overstimulated that baby,
Kim.

But out, Mum,

you don't know what it's like
to have a really bright child.

Ha!
No, I certainly do not.

(EPPONNEE CRIES)

Kel?

What would you say if I said
I wanted to go grey.

You have a good 10 years on you.

I like you as a bottle blonde.

Oh no, Kel, not my hair.

Even though I do worry about

what all those perming chemicals
are doing to it.

No, no, I mean grey water, doll.

Oh, you mean a grey water tank?

- Yeah.
- Mmmm…

I mean imagine if all that water

from the shower
could go on our garden.

Mmmm…
We could DIY, doll.

We could.

Or we could do it ourselves.

Oh, good thinking.

Yeah, that would save the moola.

We could go and look
for the stuff tomorrow.

- Oh, yeah, something to do.
- Yeah.

Well, thanks for that doll,

because you know,
it is an issue for me.

You are a bit of a greenie,
aren't you?

Oh, you know, Kel, I just worry.

I mean, what's going to happen to us
in 50 years time?

Why worry, we're not gonna be here.

Oh, well that's not
the attitude, doll,

I mean what about poor little Epps.

Well, Why do we save some water
right now?

Oh, keep talking,

keep talking.

- Bucket, Kel.
- What?

- The shower bucket, doll.
- Oh, right.

KATH: Oh, warm.

KEL: Oh, Kath. Oh…

(SHOWER TAP TURNS OFF)
Kath?

Two minute shower limit,
sorry, doll.

Oh…

(FUNKY MUSIC)

Oh…

Sharon!

That was my last Go-Gurt!

Well, I didn't know, Kim…

(INDISTINCT SCREAMING)

You know I'm on a diet,
you're trying to sabotage me!

KATH: Time out, time out, please.

Now, Kim, look at me, please.

Look at me.

Look at me.

Now Sharon, look at me, please.

Now I've got one word to say to you.

You go for that Go-Gurt, girlfriend.
They're mine, I paid for them.

Oh!

Mum! Don't put them in there,

they're my prospectuseses
for schools for Epponnee.

Oh you wouldn't believe it,
I've got to put her name down now.

The waiting lists are 'uge!

Oh, well I thought she was just

going to go to Specific Drive
Primary, like you did.

Oh, no way, Mum.

Why, what's wrong with Specific?
It's a great little school.

And they're using the
Emilio parmigiano method I've heard.

And she can walk there.

No, I really want her to go private,
just for the status of it.

I mean, listen to this one.

Apparently,
it's got a campus in Dubai

and in year 10,
all the kids spend a year there

learning how to shop independently.
- That's awesome.

KATH: Kel, are you ready?

I've got to do
the splash buckets first.

Well, what's this one, Kimmy?

Flogs.

Looks exy.

Oh, that's Fountain Lakes
ostentatious Girls Grammar School.

Evidently, it's really hard
to get into.

You know, a lot of famous people and
footballers send their kids there.

Wow. So you would be
rubbing shoulders, Kim?

Yep. And they all have
these early learning centres,

which will be great
so best case,

Epponnee could go to school
and get accelerated from the go get.

Kim, can you afford this?

No, we bloody can't,
but they've got scholarships,

so today I just want to go
and have a look at a few.

Oh well, I better come with you,
Kim.

You know,
because I really should have a say

in what school
my little god-daughter goes to.

God-daughter?

I never said you were the godmother.

The jury's still out on that,
Sharon.

KATH: Coming through,
coming through, look out.

Oh, my kuch is gonna love this.

KATH: Oh, I have to say, Kel,
I'm loving the smart car.

- Absolutely.
- And what about my emissions?

- I know, they're so reduced.
- Yeah,

oh and watch this.

Back she goes!

- You're so macho, Kel.
- (KEL CHUCKLES)

That's a nice one, isn't it, Kath?

Oh yeah.

Oh, look at that one,
that's beautiful.

Oh and the little one,
Kel, it's so pretty.

Oh…

Kel, this is the Water Wall.

A lady designed this.

- See, we're not all stupid.
- (LAUGHS)

- Let's go look at hoses.
- Oh, exciting.

- KIM: The Prime Minister went there.
- SHARON: Wow.

Now it's full of kids
of organised crime figures.

Well, I mean, that's good, Kim.

At least they're using their dirty
money for good instead of evil.

It's not dirty money,
they launder it first.

(CAR HORN BLARES)

Move your arse!

(CAR HORN BLARES)

Hi, Trude.

- Oh hi, Prue.
- How are you?

(CAR HORN BLARES)

Yes, I'm moving in a minute.

I'm a bit tired, actually.

Dramas at home.

We got Soph's AIME's test results.

Average for maths.

Graham hit the roof.

I mean, if she's going to get
into medicine at Melbourne,

she's going to have to get serious.

Yeah, well what year is she in now?

Year five and she is doing
an hours homework a night.

I know, it's the same with Zack.

I mean, it's ridiculous.

I rang the school actually, Trude
and complained,

because you know,
they need to be doing

two to three hours at that level.

I don't know what they're paying
15 bloody grand for.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)
(CAR HORN BLARES)

I'm bloody moving!

Oh hi, Joe.
Oh Joe,

I've got the salmon roe
from Macro, for the show.

I'll be with you in a mo'.
I better go.

Yes, I've got to fly.

Harry, you've got squat in
five minutes, get in the car!

Oh, look, Trude, if Em wants
to come back to Kooyong Koot,

would that suit?

Oh, she'd love it!

- Great, I won't be late.
- Alright,

but listen, you've got to come in
for a glass of sav blanc, OK?

Love to, I'm so over it.

Harry, get in the car, now!

OK, bye, bye.

Bye.

Harry!

- Mmm.
- Wow.

And you get a free sausage.
It doesn't get any better than that,

does it, Kath?

And you know, Kel,
being a bit environmental,

it makes me feel
so darned good about myself.

Mmm, it gives you
a warm fuzzy feeling inside,

doesn't it, all this nature talk.

- Makes you feel a bit animalistic.
- (BOTH CHUCKLE)

- Rargh!
- (CHUCKLES)

- Come here, Tiger.
- Oh, Kel.

Oh!

- Oh, Kel.
- Oh…

- KEL: Just move your leg a bit there.
- KATH: Oh, sorry.

Oh god, Kel.

Oh…
(CHUCKLES)

Oh, Kel, the tank!

Oh, oh…

Oh my god!

Get it, get it, Kel!

I've got it!

Go around the other side, Kath!

Oh!

- Oh my god, get it, Kel.
- Kath, look out!

- It's rolling back!
- Kel, look out!

I've got it, I've got it.

- No I haven't!
- No, I can't stop.

I've got it!
No I haven't!

(KATH SCREAMS)

Oh, Kel!

Oh…

So do you think the tank
will fit round the side, Kel?

KEL: Oh, easy, I'll just pop it
under the clothes line.

(FUNKY MUSIC)

KIM: Right, here we are.

I've saved the best 'till last.
Eton.

Oh, Eton College.

Oh, I've heard of that, Kim.

Yup, it's a really old
establishment.

WOMAN: Alright, on your marks,
get set…

(WHISTLE BLOWS)
Go, run it through,

Come on, as fast as you can!

You're out of line!

(WHISTLE BLOWS)
Come on come on come on,

keep it going.
- On my whistle!

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

Yes.

Yes.

(RECYCLING BOTTLES CLANG)

Mum!

Yes, thank you.

Oh my God.

Epponnee's going to Eton College.

- KATH: What?
- She's been poached.

Poached?

Oh, yes, I've read about this
in the paper.

But hang on,
how could she be poached,

she's not enrolled anywhere?

No, lucky for her,

she got poached before she could
get fried in the state system.

- I've got to go and tell Brett!
- Oh, wow!

Oh that's good.

Oh…

(BOTTLES CLANG TOGETHER)

What, Mandy?

We're just putting in
a grey water tank actually,

so we're doing our bit, don't worry.

Oh, hi Sharon, what are you doing?
God, look at all this mess.

Oh, hi, Mrs D.

Yeah, Kim said
if I was a good godmother

that I would do
all of Epponnee's homework.

Epponnee has to do
the Bungle Bungles,

but she didn't have time to finish
it and it's due in today.

Oh well look,
I'm very happy that Epponnee

is doing aboriginal studies, but do
you think you could do it outside?

It's not aboriginal studies,
it's for her travel and tourism.

Oh…
There we go.

All finished.

That'll have to do.

BRETT:
Right, I've got her drink bottle,

I've got her runners,
she's got sport today.

Here's the notice for her excursion
to the Grand Prix next week.

Don't crush her blazer, Brett.

Have you got her laptop?

Yeah, got it.

- SHARON: Oh, Bretty!
- Yeah.

- Don't forget her Bungle Bungles.
- Oh…

She's going to the Grand Prix.

That's another
environmental disaster.

Oh shut up, Mum,
you're so boring,

going on and on
about the stupid environment.

Kim!

The grey water tank's in.

Oh, Kel, that's exciting.

- Just gonna dry it out.
- Oh, OK.

(SHARON SIGHS)

Alright, Sharon. You can start on
the Olgas and Brolgas now.

(SHARON SIGHS)

Oh, Kel, it's gonna be so good
to be able to have a shower,

a long one
and wash my hair properly.

You know, it's not easy to be
an environmental warrior

and be foxy at the same time.

I don't know how
Doctor Bob Brown does it. (CHUCKLES)

Yeah, it's gonna be great knowing

the waters going
straight onto my Gerberas.

Kel, you don't think I
rear my message

down people's throats, do you?

Kim said I was boring today.

Oh, I quite like
your hand-fisted approach.

I find it a bit of a turn on.

Oh, do you, Mr,
keep talking, keep talking.

(SHOWER WATER STARTS)

KATH: Oh…

Oh, that's nice pressure,
Kel, feel that!

Oh…
Oh…

Eugh! Kel, it's all brown!
What's that?

Oh, darn, I must have
mixed up my hoses.

Oh, Kel!

KEL: Yuck!

It's grey
and there's teabags in it!

Oh, sorry.

(FUNKY MUSIC)

(TOILET FLUSHES)

Oh, you're using
the splash bucket, Mrs D.

Oh…
Not allowed to use the hose?

No, Sharon.

You know, it's not easy being green,
but you do your bit.

Oh yeah, I'm trying to do my bit,
Mrs D.

You know,
by eating less baked beans.

- Oh, right, Sharon.
- (CAR DOOR SLAMS)

(KIM GRUNTS)
Oh, Kim!

Kim, we're out here.

What happened, is Epponnee alright?

Oh yeah, she's alright, Sharon.

But poor Matias, Epp's friend,

she's got a huge hunk
out of her thigh.

Well, it wasn't Epponnee's fault.

What happened was, Matias,
who's nearly turned two

and is a piece of work,
don't worry about that.

She got in Epponnee's face, 'cause
she got a star for her Ayres Rock.

- Well, Epponnee just lost it.
- Yeah, she bit her.

Yeah, well I would have
done the same.

Oh well there you go,
she's a biter too.

You see, it's in the genes.
You were a biter

and Gary,
he was a love biter, as I recall.

- They expelled her.
- Oh, well look, that's good.

She can just go to the local kinder
and Specific Drive Primary,

easy, done.

It's all your fault, Sharon.

What, what did I do?

You bungled the Bungle Bungles.

You only did one Bungle
and she only got 50%.

Well, I didn't know
there was more than one Bungle.

No, of course you didn't,
'cause you're stupid.

(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)

Oh…
I wish it would rain.

Come on.

I don't want it to rain,
my hair will go frizzy.

Oh, Kim, it's not always
all about you, you know?

What about the poor country?

If it doesn't rain,
the whole country will go frizzy.

You know,
it's a very delicate ecosystem.

Oh well what about my ego-system.

- That's very fragile too, you know.
- (CHUCKLES) Oh yes.

What are you reading?

Oh, it's the 'Inconvenient Truth.'
You know, Al Gore?

(CHUCKLES) I have to say,
Al Gore pushes my buttons, Kim.

He just exudes power, you know?

In a non-fossil fuel
burning way, of course.

And Tippy,
I do like the cut of Tippy's too.

Oh, Mum, god you're a bore!

A bore?

Well, I wish I was a bore, Kim.

I'd reticulated all over the garden.
I mean, look at it.

Look at my poor, poor paw paw.

Anyway, happy Mother's Day.

- Ta-da.
- What?

- Oh, Kim, it's a goat!
- Yeah.

- I didn't ask for a goat!
- Yes you did.

What?

You said you didn't
want any presents

and that I should give a goat
to a starving family.

Oh, Kim.

I meant to give a goat to a starving
family in Africa, you stupid girl.

Well, I'm starving most of the time.

You never have anything nice
to eat in the house.

What are you talking about?

(GOAT BAAS)
What are you… Oh, Kim!

- There's another one.
- Oh yeah, they were really cheap,

so I got a whole lot.
- They're great presents.

Look…
Oh, Kim, there's so many of them!

That ones gonna be for my nail tech,
that ones for Brett's boss.

Kim!

That's one for Epponnee's carers,
at daycare.

Yeah, fantastic.

- Oh, I suppose they're quite cute.
- Cheap as chips.

Oh no, that ones
got something of the line.

Oh no, it's my sports bra!

No, he likes your capri pants too.

Oh, well they'll get the washing,
you know what they're like.

- And one of your G's.
- Oh…

- He's already taken one?
- Yeah.

- Oh great.
- He's wearing it.

- Oh.
- Yeah, no, it's nice.

Oh, look, put them on the lawn.
They can mow it, if we had any.

That's right,
no the kuch will love it.

Captioned by Ai-Media
ai-media. tv