Kath & Kim (2002–2007): Season 4, Episode 3 - Work - full transcript
SONG: There's always
a joker in the pack
♪ There's always a lonely clown
♪ And there is a jester, just a fool
♪ As foolish as he can be
♪ There's always a joker,
that's the rule
♪ But fate deals a hand and I see
♪ The joker is me
♪ The joker is me
♪ The joker
♪ Is me. ♪
I've never been. Was it good?
Oh, it's the rage. So you
were there the whole day, Kim?
Yeah, yeah, I had a facial
and then they scrubbed me
really hard with salt
and put me in
a plastic bag for an hour.
- Oh, that sounds really relaxing.
- Yeah.
- And look at my eyelash implants.
- Oh, yes, I can see them.
The beauty technology
around at the moment is so amazing.
- SHARON: Yeah, yeah.
- (KEL TAPS GLASS)
OK, it's a special night.
Firstly, congrats, Kath…
- Stand up, doll.
- Oh.
…on getting your
yoga teacher's degree.
- Finally, you finished the course.
- Yes.
And I have to say, it was the most
gruelling three days of my life,
but my lecturer said
that I could cum laude.
Sorry?
That means I could be
top of the class.
Oh. Well, I'm not surprised.
You'd win anyone over
in those pumpkin pants.
Oh, well, they're not
strictly pumpkin.
They're more of a sweet potato,
but, no, I got this with
my grey matter, I have to say.
- Anyway, raise your glasses to Kath.
- BRETT: Yeah. To Kath.
- Mum.
- Mrs D.
Now, it's also a very
special night for Kim and Brett,
so without much to do,
I'll pass you over to Brett.
Thanks, Kel.
Yeah, like Kel said, special night.
It's Kim and my's
wedding anniversary -
four years of marriage.
And they said it wouldn't last.
Who said that?
It was a joke.
Um, you look beautiful tonight, Kim.
That pamper package
at the day spa's really paid off.
- She's had one of her spray-ons.
- No, I haven't!
I'm just naturally orange.
Seriously, Kim,
looking at you tonight,
I feel sick…
Thank you, Brett.
…with guilt.
I can't believe
I ever cheated on you,
you know,
with Kylie and Dannii Bolton,
Kelly, the girl from Software…
- Who?
- I'd stop there if I were you, Brett.
Yeah, well, anyway,
it's never gonna happen again.
I've got my priorities in order.
I'm gonna put my work first,
my family a very close second.
Oh! Beautiful words, Brett.
And I'd just like to add that, yes,
Brett has strayed
on numerous occasions,
but, you know, hey, that's Brett.
He's a pants man, and a damned
attractive one at that. (CHUCKLES)
Yeah, everyone knows
Bretty does it for me.
KIM: Well, it's not all about Brett.
Is anybody gonna
say anything about me?
Well, I'll say…
I'll do it, then.
I've been an amazing wife to Brett.
I am prepared to forgive him
his indiscretions
because he's promised
to pull his finger out
and start earning the big bucks.
So, hopefully this time next year,
you all be admiring
my 'yuge' Hummer.
Her what?
Oh, it's a car, Kel. A Hummer.
I have a special announcement.
Um, congratulate me, everyone -
I am going on
a blind date this week.
- Is that all?
- Yeah.
Oh, well, the drought's broken,
Sharon. Well done.
Can we order now? I'm starving!
The fun gais and moo phangs have got
my name written all over them.
Oh, you're a fun guy,
so you should have that.
- How about we share it all round?
- No. I'm not sharing.
KATH: Oh, Kel, this is
my favourite position -
the down-faced dog.
Oh, it feels so nice.
KEL: The buns
are loving this stretch.
BOTH: Ohhh.
Nama-stye.
Nama-stye.
Alright, darl, lie down
and I'll give you a good shavasana.
Bring it on, Mrs Chopra.
(LAUGHS) Oh, no, Kel. It's where
I take you to a special place.
- Oh, no, I can't go anywhere now.
- No, in your head, Kel.
Nah, I've gotta get to the shop.
I've got a new apprentice - Katie.
- Oh, another one?
- Yeah.
Oh. How's she going?
Oh, just between you and me,
she's a bit of a space cadet.
You know,
she's probably on something.
- You know these young people.
- (LAUGHS)
But she is a beautiful
little mincer.
Oh, that's good.
Anyway, I better jump in the shower.
Alright, darl.
Look, just remind me tonight
to give you a bit of yoga nidra.
I really wanna open up
that third eye of yours.
Ohhh! I'm so bored!
Stuck at home on my own all day.
But you've got your mum and Epps.
Believe me, Brett,
speaking mentally, I'm on my own.
Call a friend. What about Tina?
No. Tina's busy
putting junk in her trunk.
Oh, is she moving?
No! She's getting
butt-cheek implants, lucky duck.
Oh, come on, Brett. Wag work.
We could hit the DFOs.
No way, new management
are boning people
left, right and centre
at the moment.
Oh, Kim!
Those DVDs! You were meant
to take them back ages ago!
I haven't watched them yet!
Oh, Brett,
you're going to work early.
- Yeah, new WorkChoices, Mrs D.
- Oh.
They're watching everyone
like a hawk at the moment.
You know, one foul move
and you're out.
Oh, bloody Howard. Here, Brett.
Here. No, just relax.
I've got healing hands.
Oh, gee, you're tense.
Yeah, I actually, uh…
that hurts a bit, Mrs D.
- Yeah, it's meant to, Brett.
- Oooh.
Yeah. Thank you.
- Thank you!
- OK, Brett.
- (GROANS) Yeah, better go.
- OK. How's that?
- That's great, yeah.
- Look, I better go. Thank you.
- Alright. Have a nice day.
- That's great.
Yeah, really good. Thank you. Ta.
- Kick arse, Brett!
- Yeah.
Oh, gee. Brett's stressed.
Kel's stressed.
You know, I really feel for the guys
in the Australian workplace
at the moment, Kim.
So much pressure.
What about the girls?
Women are different. You know,
we have our outlet valves.
- Ew!
- No!
I mean, like, you get aggro -
that's your valve -
whereas I…I'm a healer.
You know, I used yoga,
etc, etc, to let go.
And now I'm qualified,
I can heal others.
It's not fair.
Brett's got work, you've got yoga.
I need to do something.
I've got so much going on up here.
You think Tori Spelling's had work?
Oh, yes. No-one looks
that good on their own.
I've been thinking about
getting into some cosmetic surgery.
Oh, yeah, getting something done
about your puppet mouth?
- My what?
- You know, big lines down there.
- I don't have a puppet mouth!
- Yeah, you do.
You know…
Shut up, Mum!
Anyway, I don't mean HAVING cosmetic
surgery. I mean performing it.
- Oh!
- Everybody's doing it. Why can't I?
You mean like giving
people botox shots?
Yeah, initially, but, you know,
then getting into
more invasive surgery,
'cause that's where the money is.
Oh, don't be a fool, Kim. You'd have
to study. You know, do a course.
Gee, it could take you
four or five days.
No, I don't need a course.
I just need experience.
I need a guinea pig.
Oh, well, don't look at me.
If anyone wants me, I'll be
going inside myself outside.
- The Brode-meister.
- What's up, my friend?
Did you hear that
Shona got the arse?
What? No. I didn't see her go.
Nah, that's 'cause she left
under a cloud. No-one saw her go.
Word is that she took
one too many toilet breaks.
Yeah? Right, that's it.
I can't afford to lose this job.
I've got three mouths to feed.
Well, four, really,
considering how much Kim eats.
Well, what are you gonna do, Brett?
I'm gonna show them, Brodie.
From now on, no more toot breaks.
No way. You can't go a whole day.
No more breaks for Bretty, Brodie.
KEL: Hi, Katie!
Katie?
WOMAN: Hi, Kel. How are ya?
Katie…you can't leave the shop
unlocked with no-one here.
Oh, I was just going around
checking out the competition.
Coles, Len's Meats upstairs.
Katie, I have to trust you to never
leave the shop like that again, OK?
I know. I'll take that on board.
Sorry. It'll never happen again.
It's just, I've got heaps of ideas.
Oh! Katie, you've cut this
fillet too thin for steak.
Oh, I hope you don't mind.
I shaved it for carpaccio.
We can market it for the foodies,
charge double per kilo,
and I thought
maybe some Peking duck.
You know, vac-pack the slices.
'Carspacio', Peking duck, I dunno.
Let's just leave everything as it is.
I don't want to lose any customers.
Oh, can I help you?
Got some beautiful
chump chops, some mince.
Would you like some nice mince?
No. That's OK. Thanks.
OK. Suit yourself.
If you need anything,
just give us a hoy.
BRODIE: Hey, Brett.
Still not taking a break?
Nah. No way, Brodie.
Happy to work through. Happy to.
- You're a camel, mate.
- Oh, it's not camelness, Brodie.
It's called discipline.
(THINKS) Let it go, Kath.
Let it all go.
What will we have for tea?
I could thaw out that chicken and
do a Kylie Kwong on it, actually.
Kath, stop. Now, empty your mind.
Empty your mind.
Empty. Oh, that was quick.
Kimmy!
Hi, Kim. Is everything alright?
I came straight over.
Yeah, Sharon.
I need you to be my guinea pig.
Oh. OK. What do I have to do?
OK, sit down. It's gonna be fun.
I'm gonna inject botox
and collagen into your face.
Oh, botox. OK.
'Cause I have got
a blind date tomorrow night.
Oh, well, this is perfect for you,
'cause all the stars have this.
Oh, Kim, I would love
to look like a movie star.
Yeah, well, first, I'm gonna
do a couple of little squirts
in those nasty frown lines
and then a big whack of collagen
to fatten up those mean little lips.
Oh, Scarlett Johansson,
here I come.
Yeah, well, you won't
be Scarlett straightaway.
It takes about 24 hours.
OWWWWWWWWW!
Oh, Sharon, you're being
Kim's guinea pig. Good girl.
You gonna stay for tea?
- Um, oh, yeah.
- Thanks, Mrs D. Where's Kel?
Oh, Kel's working back late tonight.
Yeah, he's training
his new apprentice, Katie.
- A girl?
- Oh, yes, Sharon.
Haven't you heard?
Men love butchering ladies.
Oh, those carbuncles on your neck
look really angry, Sharon.
Oh, yeah. I hope they go down
by tomorrow night.
Oh, that's right. You've got
your blind date, haven't you?
- Yeah.
- Oh, that's exciting!
What are you gonna wear
with your new face?
Well, I dunno.
I…I just wanna look groovy.
Oh, well, you know, shoulder pads
give you a nice line, Sharon.
- Yeah, and shoulder pads are back.
- Back? What do you mean?
They never went out. I've got
oodles of them up in my lowboy.
- Do you want me to go get some?
- Yes, please, Mrs D.
Alright, I'll do that
while the beans are cooking.
Oh, wow, Kim, you know,
with my shoulders and my botox
and…and…and my collagen,
I am gonna look like a famous
movie star, aren't I, Kim?
Yep, upon my hypocritic oath.
SHARON: Owwwww!
OWWWWWWWWWW!
(SCREAMS)
KEL: Two there. That one goes…
Hey, hey, hey, hey!
Where are you going
with my plastic grass?
It's a bit old and slimy so I've
binned it with the fake parsley.
Katie, that's the first
rule of meat display -
you always add a touch of green.
Oh, well, I can bring heaps of
fresh herbs and parsley from home.
I have a hydroponic garden.
I even grow my own grass.
(SIGHS) I think
I'll have to get rid of Katie.
She has no idea, Kath.
I'll have to do it tomorrow.
- Oh, Kel, your neck's so tight.
- Oh.
Just let it go. Let it go.
- That hurts a bit, Kath.
- Yeah, it's meant to.
- It's alright. Trust me.
- (GRUNTS)
- I'm a healer.
- Oh, oh…
- (CRACK!)
- Oh!
- Ohhh.
- That's what I was waiting for.
That disc there was right out, Kel.
Alright, now, just relax there.
Pop this on your eyes
and just relax.
(MOANS)
Shh!
Kel, shh.
Now, just imagine
you're looking through
your one-eyed chakra
and a white light is spreading
all the way down through your body -
through your shoulders,
back of your chest,
front of your chest,
back stomach,
front stomach,
back bottom,
front bottom.
(THINKS) Wow. I think I'm having
an out-of-body experience.
I'm observing myself from above.
Ha, and I like what I see.
I never realised how good I look
from the back
in these Witchery pants.
And they're last year's,
which is doubly pleasing.
Alright, Kel, you can come back now.
And nama-stye.
Don't you feel at peace
with the world now, Kel?
I can't move my neck.
Yeah, that's normal, doll.
Go with it.
I'll just leave you
for a few minutes, love.
Kath?
Kath! Oh…
(TOILET FLUSHES)
- Oh! Don't, Kim.
- Come on, Brett. It doesn't hurt.
- You're such a wuss!
- Don't call me a wuss.
You look old and tired.
- It'll take five years off you.
- I have to go to work.
KATH: I'll be with you in a minute,
Kel.
I'm just putting
a wheat bag in the microwave.
Oh, hello, Brett. You look tired.
- I told you!
- See you.
Actually, I might go
to the toot again before I leave.
That way, I can hold off
till lunch. Yeah, good.
No, Katie, I can't come in
for the rest of the week
so you're gonna have to
hold the fort for me.
What? Wagyu? What's that?
Oh, no, nothing newfangled.
Just serve the customers
and lock up the shop.
Yes. OK… OK, 'bye.
(SIGHS) There goes the business.
And my headache is getting worse.
Well, Kel, these things
happen for a reason.
Yeah, and the reason being
you didn't know what you were doing.
Yes, I did, Kel!
I'm a highly trained
health professional.
It says so on my certificate.
Yeah, well, it's not
what my neck's saying.
Ohhh.
Staff to the front counter, please.
Staff to the front counter.
Front counter, staff. Front.
(FOUNTAIN GUSHES)
I love the sound of the water.
Well, that's $49.95.
I'll just pop it off for a second,
if that's fine. Excuse me, just wait.
Staff to the front counter, please.
Staff to the front counter.
Brett is busting, Brett is busting.
Staff, front!
Can you just turn it on for me
one more time?
Mum, can I have a Wii?
I want a Wii, I want a Wii!
Sorry, my son's desperate for a Wii.
Yeah… God, sorry. I can't… Sorry.
Sorry, sorry, sorry.
(PHONE RINGS)
Kel's Fine Meats.
Oh, hi, Donna.
How much? A gram?
OK, but this will have
to be the last time.
If Kel finds out,
I could lose my job.
OK.
(PHONE RINGS)
Kel's Fine Meats. Oh, hi, Bill.
A party tomorrow night?
I'll bring what I've got.
It's the best stuff. (LAUGHS)
Oh, it's been engaged
all day. Bloody hell.
Oh, my neck's no better.
Kel, how about I do
a bit of reiki on you, love?
Don't…don't touch me.
No, no, no, no. It's just
energy from my healing hands.
Close your eyes.
You feel that?
Kel?
- Kel?
- KIM: MUM!
Shhh, Kim!
Oh, Mum, can I botox your ba-kirks?
- My what?
- Your chooky neck.
For the last time, Kim,
I do not have a chooky neck.
I need someone to practise on.
I need a guinea pig!
Hello? Oh, hi, Sharon.
No, that's meant to happen.
It'll go down for your blind date.
- Alright. 'Bye.
- (DOOR CLOSES)
- Come on, Mum. Just a little squirt.
- No!
- Kim, stop that, please.
- Brett won't let me do Epponnee.
She could really use it. She's
starting to get little crow's-feet.
Oh, Kim, leave her little feet alone.
I mean, you don't know
what you're doing.
- You could seriously hurt somebody.
- Oh, you can talk.
You hurt Brett's back,
you practically killed Kel!
- You're just a quack, Mum.
- I am not!
I'm a trained health professional
with a certificate to prove it.
Chooky quack, chooky quack.
Oh, well, call me what
you like, you stupid girl,
but this chooky quack
ain't going to be your guinea pig.
It's not fair!
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS
ON TELEVISION)
(WOMAN SCREAMS ON TV)
(GASPS)
Mum!
(CRASH, DOG BARKS)
Oh!
Brett?
Where have you been?
Have you been drinking
with new management?
(SLURS)
You got fired?!
- Hi, Kath.
- KATH: Oh, what?
Yeah, I took an unscheduled
toilet break…in the shop.
- Oh, Brett! In the shop?
- Yep.
Oh, no, they rehired me.
It's a little less money,
much worse conditions.
Oh, bloody Howard!
I'd like to take away his toot breaks
and see how he feels
in his jolly lower house.
- Yes. Anyway, pardon me.
- (CLEARS THROAT)
God, Brett, at least I've found
something I'm really good at
that's gonna make us heaps of money!
(THUNDER CRASHES ON TV)
Oh!
(BOTH SCREAM)
Hi, Mrs D, Kim.
KATH: Sharon, what happened, love?
Oh, my blind date
didn't show up, Mrs D.
Oh, well, that's lucky, actually,
because he would've got
the fright of his life!
The shoulder pads
take kilos off you, though.
Oh, look what
you've done to me, Kim!
I must've put the collagen in your
head and the botox in your lips.
Kim, you promised me that
I would look like a movie star!
- You do!
- Who?
Who? What movie star
looks like this?
Frankenstein,
and he did heaps of films.
Yeah, yeah,
Kim's right, Sharon. He did.
(SOBS)
I'm a monster! (WAILS)
Yeah, but you're a monster
with beautiful, smooth skin.
I feel terrific!
- Kel!
- And my headache's gone.
You look ten years younger.
- It must have been the reiki.
- That's my talent.
See? I AM a 'hurler'.
You are, Kath.
You're my little blue healer.
(GIGGLES)
Come here, Lisa McCoon.
Aw, Kel! (LAUGHS)
(WOMAN SPEAKS INAUDIBLY)
What's Mrs Summers
and Gwen doing in Len's?
Oh, no.
(PEOPLE LAUGH AND CHATTER)
OK, Donna, there is your
gram of wagyu ragout.
- Gorgeous.
- $400.
- Thanks.
- On credit?
Thanks, Katie. Gonna have to write
about you in the next magazine.
That's Donna Hay.
Bill Granger, Maggie Beer,
Kylie Kwong and… (GASPS)
- Shannon Noll.
- Katie, Katie, me next.
A bottle of the truffle oil,
please. Thank you.
And Katie,
how's my verjuice selling?
KATIE: Through the roof, Maggie.
That's fantastic.
Hey, Bill, have you tried
Katie's new pigeon foam?
It's sensational.
Oh, it's fantastic.
It's on the breakfast
degustation menu as we speak.
Oh, Kel, I bought you
a big bag of grass.
- What?
- In the window.
- Beautiful wheat grass.
- It looks so good.
Oh. Now, can I tempt anybody
with a good old-fashioned shank?
Maggie?
It's not fair.
You're gonna be rolling
in it, aren't you,
now Kel's business is booming
with his fancy new apprentice.
Oh, no, no, no.
Didn't I tell you? Katie's gone.
Yeah, she's been poached.
Bill Granger poached her,
literally in red wine.
What?
She's gone off to be his new smellier
at his new restaurant.
Did I tell you, Mum, I'm gonna get
out of the cosmetic surgery game.
You know, I don't want people
coming and suing me
just because I might've
disfigured them.
They were probably ugly
to start with
so I dunno what their problem is.
(CHUCKLES) Well, why don't you go
and get a job in retail?
You could get a job at the new
Direct Factory Outlet at Dingaley.
Yeah, I'm not gonna serve people.
Although, I'd have to start
at the top.
I could be a CEO of the DFO.
Yeah, or you could open a cafe,
something like that.
A Gloria Jean's. Be a barista.
I'm not gonna go back
and study law for five years.
You know, we need money now.
Oh, yeah, I do know what you mean.
Three days was
gruelling enough for me.
Though I am kicking myself
I didn't do the PhD in reiki,
but that was a week.
I just couldn't
take off the down time.
Mmm! This is nice.
Is it?
Yeah, I've been thinking
of trying that new Cabbala.
- Have you heard of that?
- Mmm.
I had a cheese and cabbala
foot-long at Subway the other day.
- Made my breath stink.
- Oh, Kim!
You can be blaming
Cabbala for that.
I mean, does Madonna's breath stink?
Does Drew Barrymore's breath stink?
Well, they might.
No, I haven't read that anywhere.
Anyway, at the moment
it's a toss-up between Cabbala,
Hillsong or Enjo.
I think I'll go with Enjo, though,
because none of the others offer
a separate coloured cleaning cloth
for every room of the house.
Oh, I like the sound of Hillsong,
you know, 'cause
they're financially savvy
and they say
they save arseholes.
- "Our souls," you mean?
- No.
Yeah.
Oh, Kim, speaking of our souls,
you've gotta take those DVDs back.
They're so late now!
No, Mum. I'm gonna
watch them tonight.
Well, you better,
and you're gonna pay the fines.
Yes, I know!
Captioned by Ai-Media
ai-media. tv
KATH AND KIM:
Oh, it's nice. It's different.
- KATH: Yeah, it's nice.
- KIM: Yeah, it's unusual.
a joker in the pack
♪ There's always a lonely clown
♪ And there is a jester, just a fool
♪ As foolish as he can be
♪ There's always a joker,
that's the rule
♪ But fate deals a hand and I see
♪ The joker is me
♪ The joker is me
♪ The joker
♪ Is me. ♪
I've never been. Was it good?
Oh, it's the rage. So you
were there the whole day, Kim?
Yeah, yeah, I had a facial
and then they scrubbed me
really hard with salt
and put me in
a plastic bag for an hour.
- Oh, that sounds really relaxing.
- Yeah.
- And look at my eyelash implants.
- Oh, yes, I can see them.
The beauty technology
around at the moment is so amazing.
- SHARON: Yeah, yeah.
- (KEL TAPS GLASS)
OK, it's a special night.
Firstly, congrats, Kath…
- Stand up, doll.
- Oh.
…on getting your
yoga teacher's degree.
- Finally, you finished the course.
- Yes.
And I have to say, it was the most
gruelling three days of my life,
but my lecturer said
that I could cum laude.
Sorry?
That means I could be
top of the class.
Oh. Well, I'm not surprised.
You'd win anyone over
in those pumpkin pants.
Oh, well, they're not
strictly pumpkin.
They're more of a sweet potato,
but, no, I got this with
my grey matter, I have to say.
- Anyway, raise your glasses to Kath.
- BRETT: Yeah. To Kath.
- Mum.
- Mrs D.
Now, it's also a very
special night for Kim and Brett,
so without much to do,
I'll pass you over to Brett.
Thanks, Kel.
Yeah, like Kel said, special night.
It's Kim and my's
wedding anniversary -
four years of marriage.
And they said it wouldn't last.
Who said that?
It was a joke.
Um, you look beautiful tonight, Kim.
That pamper package
at the day spa's really paid off.
- She's had one of her spray-ons.
- No, I haven't!
I'm just naturally orange.
Seriously, Kim,
looking at you tonight,
I feel sick…
Thank you, Brett.
…with guilt.
I can't believe
I ever cheated on you,
you know,
with Kylie and Dannii Bolton,
Kelly, the girl from Software…
- Who?
- I'd stop there if I were you, Brett.
Yeah, well, anyway,
it's never gonna happen again.
I've got my priorities in order.
I'm gonna put my work first,
my family a very close second.
Oh! Beautiful words, Brett.
And I'd just like to add that, yes,
Brett has strayed
on numerous occasions,
but, you know, hey, that's Brett.
He's a pants man, and a damned
attractive one at that. (CHUCKLES)
Yeah, everyone knows
Bretty does it for me.
KIM: Well, it's not all about Brett.
Is anybody gonna
say anything about me?
Well, I'll say…
I'll do it, then.
I've been an amazing wife to Brett.
I am prepared to forgive him
his indiscretions
because he's promised
to pull his finger out
and start earning the big bucks.
So, hopefully this time next year,
you all be admiring
my 'yuge' Hummer.
Her what?
Oh, it's a car, Kel. A Hummer.
I have a special announcement.
Um, congratulate me, everyone -
I am going on
a blind date this week.
- Is that all?
- Yeah.
Oh, well, the drought's broken,
Sharon. Well done.
Can we order now? I'm starving!
The fun gais and moo phangs have got
my name written all over them.
Oh, you're a fun guy,
so you should have that.
- How about we share it all round?
- No. I'm not sharing.
KATH: Oh, Kel, this is
my favourite position -
the down-faced dog.
Oh, it feels so nice.
KEL: The buns
are loving this stretch.
BOTH: Ohhh.
Nama-stye.
Nama-stye.
Alright, darl, lie down
and I'll give you a good shavasana.
Bring it on, Mrs Chopra.
(LAUGHS) Oh, no, Kel. It's where
I take you to a special place.
- Oh, no, I can't go anywhere now.
- No, in your head, Kel.
Nah, I've gotta get to the shop.
I've got a new apprentice - Katie.
- Oh, another one?
- Yeah.
Oh. How's she going?
Oh, just between you and me,
she's a bit of a space cadet.
You know,
she's probably on something.
- You know these young people.
- (LAUGHS)
But she is a beautiful
little mincer.
Oh, that's good.
Anyway, I better jump in the shower.
Alright, darl.
Look, just remind me tonight
to give you a bit of yoga nidra.
I really wanna open up
that third eye of yours.
Ohhh! I'm so bored!
Stuck at home on my own all day.
But you've got your mum and Epps.
Believe me, Brett,
speaking mentally, I'm on my own.
Call a friend. What about Tina?
No. Tina's busy
putting junk in her trunk.
Oh, is she moving?
No! She's getting
butt-cheek implants, lucky duck.
Oh, come on, Brett. Wag work.
We could hit the DFOs.
No way, new management
are boning people
left, right and centre
at the moment.
Oh, Kim!
Those DVDs! You were meant
to take them back ages ago!
I haven't watched them yet!
Oh, Brett,
you're going to work early.
- Yeah, new WorkChoices, Mrs D.
- Oh.
They're watching everyone
like a hawk at the moment.
You know, one foul move
and you're out.
Oh, bloody Howard. Here, Brett.
Here. No, just relax.
I've got healing hands.
Oh, gee, you're tense.
Yeah, I actually, uh…
that hurts a bit, Mrs D.
- Yeah, it's meant to, Brett.
- Oooh.
Yeah. Thank you.
- Thank you!
- OK, Brett.
- (GROANS) Yeah, better go.
- OK. How's that?
- That's great, yeah.
- Look, I better go. Thank you.
- Alright. Have a nice day.
- That's great.
Yeah, really good. Thank you. Ta.
- Kick arse, Brett!
- Yeah.
Oh, gee. Brett's stressed.
Kel's stressed.
You know, I really feel for the guys
in the Australian workplace
at the moment, Kim.
So much pressure.
What about the girls?
Women are different. You know,
we have our outlet valves.
- Ew!
- No!
I mean, like, you get aggro -
that's your valve -
whereas I…I'm a healer.
You know, I used yoga,
etc, etc, to let go.
And now I'm qualified,
I can heal others.
It's not fair.
Brett's got work, you've got yoga.
I need to do something.
I've got so much going on up here.
You think Tori Spelling's had work?
Oh, yes. No-one looks
that good on their own.
I've been thinking about
getting into some cosmetic surgery.
Oh, yeah, getting something done
about your puppet mouth?
- My what?
- You know, big lines down there.
- I don't have a puppet mouth!
- Yeah, you do.
You know…
Shut up, Mum!
Anyway, I don't mean HAVING cosmetic
surgery. I mean performing it.
- Oh!
- Everybody's doing it. Why can't I?
You mean like giving
people botox shots?
Yeah, initially, but, you know,
then getting into
more invasive surgery,
'cause that's where the money is.
Oh, don't be a fool, Kim. You'd have
to study. You know, do a course.
Gee, it could take you
four or five days.
No, I don't need a course.
I just need experience.
I need a guinea pig.
Oh, well, don't look at me.
If anyone wants me, I'll be
going inside myself outside.
- The Brode-meister.
- What's up, my friend?
Did you hear that
Shona got the arse?
What? No. I didn't see her go.
Nah, that's 'cause she left
under a cloud. No-one saw her go.
Word is that she took
one too many toilet breaks.
Yeah? Right, that's it.
I can't afford to lose this job.
I've got three mouths to feed.
Well, four, really,
considering how much Kim eats.
Well, what are you gonna do, Brett?
I'm gonna show them, Brodie.
From now on, no more toot breaks.
No way. You can't go a whole day.
No more breaks for Bretty, Brodie.
KEL: Hi, Katie!
Katie?
WOMAN: Hi, Kel. How are ya?
Katie…you can't leave the shop
unlocked with no-one here.
Oh, I was just going around
checking out the competition.
Coles, Len's Meats upstairs.
Katie, I have to trust you to never
leave the shop like that again, OK?
I know. I'll take that on board.
Sorry. It'll never happen again.
It's just, I've got heaps of ideas.
Oh! Katie, you've cut this
fillet too thin for steak.
Oh, I hope you don't mind.
I shaved it for carpaccio.
We can market it for the foodies,
charge double per kilo,
and I thought
maybe some Peking duck.
You know, vac-pack the slices.
'Carspacio', Peking duck, I dunno.
Let's just leave everything as it is.
I don't want to lose any customers.
Oh, can I help you?
Got some beautiful
chump chops, some mince.
Would you like some nice mince?
No. That's OK. Thanks.
OK. Suit yourself.
If you need anything,
just give us a hoy.
BRODIE: Hey, Brett.
Still not taking a break?
Nah. No way, Brodie.
Happy to work through. Happy to.
- You're a camel, mate.
- Oh, it's not camelness, Brodie.
It's called discipline.
(THINKS) Let it go, Kath.
Let it all go.
What will we have for tea?
I could thaw out that chicken and
do a Kylie Kwong on it, actually.
Kath, stop. Now, empty your mind.
Empty your mind.
Empty. Oh, that was quick.
Kimmy!
Hi, Kim. Is everything alright?
I came straight over.
Yeah, Sharon.
I need you to be my guinea pig.
Oh. OK. What do I have to do?
OK, sit down. It's gonna be fun.
I'm gonna inject botox
and collagen into your face.
Oh, botox. OK.
'Cause I have got
a blind date tomorrow night.
Oh, well, this is perfect for you,
'cause all the stars have this.
Oh, Kim, I would love
to look like a movie star.
Yeah, well, first, I'm gonna
do a couple of little squirts
in those nasty frown lines
and then a big whack of collagen
to fatten up those mean little lips.
Oh, Scarlett Johansson,
here I come.
Yeah, well, you won't
be Scarlett straightaway.
It takes about 24 hours.
OWWWWWWWWW!
Oh, Sharon, you're being
Kim's guinea pig. Good girl.
You gonna stay for tea?
- Um, oh, yeah.
- Thanks, Mrs D. Where's Kel?
Oh, Kel's working back late tonight.
Yeah, he's training
his new apprentice, Katie.
- A girl?
- Oh, yes, Sharon.
Haven't you heard?
Men love butchering ladies.
Oh, those carbuncles on your neck
look really angry, Sharon.
Oh, yeah. I hope they go down
by tomorrow night.
Oh, that's right. You've got
your blind date, haven't you?
- Yeah.
- Oh, that's exciting!
What are you gonna wear
with your new face?
Well, I dunno.
I…I just wanna look groovy.
Oh, well, you know, shoulder pads
give you a nice line, Sharon.
- Yeah, and shoulder pads are back.
- Back? What do you mean?
They never went out. I've got
oodles of them up in my lowboy.
- Do you want me to go get some?
- Yes, please, Mrs D.
Alright, I'll do that
while the beans are cooking.
Oh, wow, Kim, you know,
with my shoulders and my botox
and…and…and my collagen,
I am gonna look like a famous
movie star, aren't I, Kim?
Yep, upon my hypocritic oath.
SHARON: Owwwww!
OWWWWWWWWWW!
(SCREAMS)
KEL: Two there. That one goes…
Hey, hey, hey, hey!
Where are you going
with my plastic grass?
It's a bit old and slimy so I've
binned it with the fake parsley.
Katie, that's the first
rule of meat display -
you always add a touch of green.
Oh, well, I can bring heaps of
fresh herbs and parsley from home.
I have a hydroponic garden.
I even grow my own grass.
(SIGHS) I think
I'll have to get rid of Katie.
She has no idea, Kath.
I'll have to do it tomorrow.
- Oh, Kel, your neck's so tight.
- Oh.
Just let it go. Let it go.
- That hurts a bit, Kath.
- Yeah, it's meant to.
- It's alright. Trust me.
- (GRUNTS)
- I'm a healer.
- Oh, oh…
- (CRACK!)
- Oh!
- Ohhh.
- That's what I was waiting for.
That disc there was right out, Kel.
Alright, now, just relax there.
Pop this on your eyes
and just relax.
(MOANS)
Shh!
Kel, shh.
Now, just imagine
you're looking through
your one-eyed chakra
and a white light is spreading
all the way down through your body -
through your shoulders,
back of your chest,
front of your chest,
back stomach,
front stomach,
back bottom,
front bottom.
(THINKS) Wow. I think I'm having
an out-of-body experience.
I'm observing myself from above.
Ha, and I like what I see.
I never realised how good I look
from the back
in these Witchery pants.
And they're last year's,
which is doubly pleasing.
Alright, Kel, you can come back now.
And nama-stye.
Don't you feel at peace
with the world now, Kel?
I can't move my neck.
Yeah, that's normal, doll.
Go with it.
I'll just leave you
for a few minutes, love.
Kath?
Kath! Oh…
(TOILET FLUSHES)
- Oh! Don't, Kim.
- Come on, Brett. It doesn't hurt.
- You're such a wuss!
- Don't call me a wuss.
You look old and tired.
- It'll take five years off you.
- I have to go to work.
KATH: I'll be with you in a minute,
Kel.
I'm just putting
a wheat bag in the microwave.
Oh, hello, Brett. You look tired.
- I told you!
- See you.
Actually, I might go
to the toot again before I leave.
That way, I can hold off
till lunch. Yeah, good.
No, Katie, I can't come in
for the rest of the week
so you're gonna have to
hold the fort for me.
What? Wagyu? What's that?
Oh, no, nothing newfangled.
Just serve the customers
and lock up the shop.
Yes. OK… OK, 'bye.
(SIGHS) There goes the business.
And my headache is getting worse.
Well, Kel, these things
happen for a reason.
Yeah, and the reason being
you didn't know what you were doing.
Yes, I did, Kel!
I'm a highly trained
health professional.
It says so on my certificate.
Yeah, well, it's not
what my neck's saying.
Ohhh.
Staff to the front counter, please.
Staff to the front counter.
Front counter, staff. Front.
(FOUNTAIN GUSHES)
I love the sound of the water.
Well, that's $49.95.
I'll just pop it off for a second,
if that's fine. Excuse me, just wait.
Staff to the front counter, please.
Staff to the front counter.
Brett is busting, Brett is busting.
Staff, front!
Can you just turn it on for me
one more time?
Mum, can I have a Wii?
I want a Wii, I want a Wii!
Sorry, my son's desperate for a Wii.
Yeah… God, sorry. I can't… Sorry.
Sorry, sorry, sorry.
(PHONE RINGS)
Kel's Fine Meats.
Oh, hi, Donna.
How much? A gram?
OK, but this will have
to be the last time.
If Kel finds out,
I could lose my job.
OK.
(PHONE RINGS)
Kel's Fine Meats. Oh, hi, Bill.
A party tomorrow night?
I'll bring what I've got.
It's the best stuff. (LAUGHS)
Oh, it's been engaged
all day. Bloody hell.
Oh, my neck's no better.
Kel, how about I do
a bit of reiki on you, love?
Don't…don't touch me.
No, no, no, no. It's just
energy from my healing hands.
Close your eyes.
You feel that?
Kel?
- Kel?
- KIM: MUM!
Shhh, Kim!
Oh, Mum, can I botox your ba-kirks?
- My what?
- Your chooky neck.
For the last time, Kim,
I do not have a chooky neck.
I need someone to practise on.
I need a guinea pig!
Hello? Oh, hi, Sharon.
No, that's meant to happen.
It'll go down for your blind date.
- Alright. 'Bye.
- (DOOR CLOSES)
- Come on, Mum. Just a little squirt.
- No!
- Kim, stop that, please.
- Brett won't let me do Epponnee.
She could really use it. She's
starting to get little crow's-feet.
Oh, Kim, leave her little feet alone.
I mean, you don't know
what you're doing.
- You could seriously hurt somebody.
- Oh, you can talk.
You hurt Brett's back,
you practically killed Kel!
- You're just a quack, Mum.
- I am not!
I'm a trained health professional
with a certificate to prove it.
Chooky quack, chooky quack.
Oh, well, call me what
you like, you stupid girl,
but this chooky quack
ain't going to be your guinea pig.
It's not fair!
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS
ON TELEVISION)
(WOMAN SCREAMS ON TV)
(GASPS)
Mum!
(CRASH, DOG BARKS)
Oh!
Brett?
Where have you been?
Have you been drinking
with new management?
(SLURS)
You got fired?!
- Hi, Kath.
- KATH: Oh, what?
Yeah, I took an unscheduled
toilet break…in the shop.
- Oh, Brett! In the shop?
- Yep.
Oh, no, they rehired me.
It's a little less money,
much worse conditions.
Oh, bloody Howard!
I'd like to take away his toot breaks
and see how he feels
in his jolly lower house.
- Yes. Anyway, pardon me.
- (CLEARS THROAT)
God, Brett, at least I've found
something I'm really good at
that's gonna make us heaps of money!
(THUNDER CRASHES ON TV)
Oh!
(BOTH SCREAM)
Hi, Mrs D, Kim.
KATH: Sharon, what happened, love?
Oh, my blind date
didn't show up, Mrs D.
Oh, well, that's lucky, actually,
because he would've got
the fright of his life!
The shoulder pads
take kilos off you, though.
Oh, look what
you've done to me, Kim!
I must've put the collagen in your
head and the botox in your lips.
Kim, you promised me that
I would look like a movie star!
- You do!
- Who?
Who? What movie star
looks like this?
Frankenstein,
and he did heaps of films.
Yeah, yeah,
Kim's right, Sharon. He did.
(SOBS)
I'm a monster! (WAILS)
Yeah, but you're a monster
with beautiful, smooth skin.
I feel terrific!
- Kel!
- And my headache's gone.
You look ten years younger.
- It must have been the reiki.
- That's my talent.
See? I AM a 'hurler'.
You are, Kath.
You're my little blue healer.
(GIGGLES)
Come here, Lisa McCoon.
Aw, Kel! (LAUGHS)
(WOMAN SPEAKS INAUDIBLY)
What's Mrs Summers
and Gwen doing in Len's?
Oh, no.
(PEOPLE LAUGH AND CHATTER)
OK, Donna, there is your
gram of wagyu ragout.
- Gorgeous.
- $400.
- Thanks.
- On credit?
Thanks, Katie. Gonna have to write
about you in the next magazine.
That's Donna Hay.
Bill Granger, Maggie Beer,
Kylie Kwong and… (GASPS)
- Shannon Noll.
- Katie, Katie, me next.
A bottle of the truffle oil,
please. Thank you.
And Katie,
how's my verjuice selling?
KATIE: Through the roof, Maggie.
That's fantastic.
Hey, Bill, have you tried
Katie's new pigeon foam?
It's sensational.
Oh, it's fantastic.
It's on the breakfast
degustation menu as we speak.
Oh, Kel, I bought you
a big bag of grass.
- What?
- In the window.
- Beautiful wheat grass.
- It looks so good.
Oh. Now, can I tempt anybody
with a good old-fashioned shank?
Maggie?
It's not fair.
You're gonna be rolling
in it, aren't you,
now Kel's business is booming
with his fancy new apprentice.
Oh, no, no, no.
Didn't I tell you? Katie's gone.
Yeah, she's been poached.
Bill Granger poached her,
literally in red wine.
What?
She's gone off to be his new smellier
at his new restaurant.
Did I tell you, Mum, I'm gonna get
out of the cosmetic surgery game.
You know, I don't want people
coming and suing me
just because I might've
disfigured them.
They were probably ugly
to start with
so I dunno what their problem is.
(CHUCKLES) Well, why don't you go
and get a job in retail?
You could get a job at the new
Direct Factory Outlet at Dingaley.
Yeah, I'm not gonna serve people.
Although, I'd have to start
at the top.
I could be a CEO of the DFO.
Yeah, or you could open a cafe,
something like that.
A Gloria Jean's. Be a barista.
I'm not gonna go back
and study law for five years.
You know, we need money now.
Oh, yeah, I do know what you mean.
Three days was
gruelling enough for me.
Though I am kicking myself
I didn't do the PhD in reiki,
but that was a week.
I just couldn't
take off the down time.
Mmm! This is nice.
Is it?
Yeah, I've been thinking
of trying that new Cabbala.
- Have you heard of that?
- Mmm.
I had a cheese and cabbala
foot-long at Subway the other day.
- Made my breath stink.
- Oh, Kim!
You can be blaming
Cabbala for that.
I mean, does Madonna's breath stink?
Does Drew Barrymore's breath stink?
Well, they might.
No, I haven't read that anywhere.
Anyway, at the moment
it's a toss-up between Cabbala,
Hillsong or Enjo.
I think I'll go with Enjo, though,
because none of the others offer
a separate coloured cleaning cloth
for every room of the house.
Oh, I like the sound of Hillsong,
you know, 'cause
they're financially savvy
and they say
they save arseholes.
- "Our souls," you mean?
- No.
Yeah.
Oh, Kim, speaking of our souls,
you've gotta take those DVDs back.
They're so late now!
No, Mum. I'm gonna
watch them tonight.
Well, you better,
and you're gonna pay the fines.
Yes, I know!
Captioned by Ai-Media
ai-media. tv
KATH AND KIM:
Oh, it's nice. It's different.
- KATH: Yeah, it's nice.
- KIM: Yeah, it's unusual.