Kath & Kim (2002–2007): Season 4, Episode 2 - Fame - full transcript
♪ There's always a joker in the pack
♪ There's always a lonely clown
♪ And there is a jester, just a fool
♪ As foolish as he can be
♪ There's always a joker,
that's the rule
♪ But fate deals a hand and I see
♪ The joker is me
♪ The joker is me
♪ The joker
♪ Is me. ♪
KIM: Yes, a marquee for 500 guests.
Actually, you better make it 1,000.
Yes, alright.
- Oh, Eppies. Good girl!
- (EPPONNEE GURGLES)
Kim, can you get off the phone,
please? I need to call Oz Knits.
No! I'm on hold
with the party planners.
I'm just getting some prices
for Epponnee's birthday party.
Party planners?
Kim, that's a bit OTT, isn't it?
Mum, she's turning the big 01.
Come on...
Oh, Kim, she'd be happy with
a little bit of sauce on a saveloy,
the poor little bugger.
Was that all you did for me, was it?
Oh, no, we couldn't have
a party for you, Kim.
You were a biter.
We all lived in fear.
Well, Epponnee's popular at creche,
so she's having a party.
Listen what P Diddly did
with the twins.
He had a gangster rap theme,
and all the babies packed pieces
in their diapers.
Oh, don't say 'diapers', Kim.
We're not American.
Wish we were.
They have so much fun there.
(SCOFFS) Stupid girl.
One idea I had was
taking them to Gold Class
and then to Intencity
to play video games,
but I don't think that's gonna work,
'cause most of them can't use
their disposable thumbs yet.
Well, why don't you have
a theme party, Kim?
Like, you know, what's Epps's
favourite TV show at the moment?
'SpongeBob SquarePants'
or 'Hi-5'?
Oh, no, no, no. She's into
'Desperate Housewives' now.
Oh, snap! Good girl, Epps.
Well, we could do something here.
I could come as Teri Hatcher,
'cause I am a bit like the
Teri Hatcher of Lagoon Court.
Yes! And I could be Marcia Cross!
Yeah! Well, you've got
the 'cross' bit right.
- Yeah!
- And Sharon can be Felicity Half Man!
Epponnee, do you want to be Eva
Longoria for your birthday party?
(CRYING)
Nup. She doesn't like the idea.
No. But what about just
a celebrity party, you know?
The babies could choose which
celebrities they want to go as.
Oh, yes! And we could
all go as couples.
You know, like, I could go as...
Who could I go as?
I know! Peter Overton
and Jessica Rowe.
They're everywhere at the moment.
- Who?
- (BEEPING DIAL TONE)
Oh, bum, they cut me off!
Oh, good. I need the phone.
Thank you, Kim.
(BUTTONS BEEP)
Hello? Yes, Oz Knits.
Yes, it's Kath Day-Knight here.
I'm just ringing up about a
pumpkin shrug that I had on order.
(FUNKY MUSIC)
Oh, you look nice, Kel.
Where are you off to?
Oh, thanks, Sharon.
It's the Fountain Gate retailers'
awards night. Yeah.
Oh! That's right. And you're
up for the big one, aren't you?
- Retailer of the Year award!
- Yeah.
I reckon you'll win, Kel.
No, Sharon, I won't win. Gee.
I'm up against The Tie Rack,
Petra Hair Care...
Not a hope in hell.
It's fun to go, though.
But you can't take these things
too seriously.
Come on, Kath.
I don't want to be late!
- Yes, I'm here!
- Oh!
- Oh, wow, Mrs D!
- You look stunning, Kath. Yeah.
Not too much? How's my make-up?
Lose the shrug? What do you think?
Stop your fussing, you look fine.
Let's go. Come on.
Well, I don't know, do I, Kel?
If you win, there'll be
photographers, the paparazzi.
I might get papped!
I won't win.
Hey, well, you might win,
you don't know!
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Oh, god! The Fountain Gate
retailers' awards,
I mean, could it get
any more tragic?
I know, Trude, but it's work,
we've got to do it.
I know, it's just I'm tired.
I've been out
too many nights this week.
I don't know how you do it, Trude.
Well, I can't say no at the mo.
Friday night was dinner
with the girls from Curves,
Saturday was Year Five
trivia night at school,
and last night was
the Timbertop reunion,
which was, you know, great,
but late.
Yeah, I know.
Well, Adrian and I
had the beyondblue do.
- Oh, that depressed organisation?
- Yeah.
Look, it was for the depressed,
but god, it was fun!
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
You know, Dickie Tognetti was there.
- Ooh, the beautiful violinist?
- Mmm.
Yes, and, you know, I had had
a few cheekies, I must admit,
and I just thought, "Look, no,
I'm gonna go and talk to you."
- Because he was on his own.
- Oh, god, you're good.
- Was he gorgeous?
- No, he was frosty as hell.
But you know, I love that in a guy.
Don't know anyone here...
Oh, there's Daryl! Daryl!
Daryl, hi!
Come here, Daryl, save us!
How are you?
Hello, girls. How you doing?
Prue, you look stunning. I've never
seen you with lippy on before.
You look just like Joan Crawford
in 'Mildred Pierce'.
Who do I look like?
Who do I look like?
- I'll get back to you.
- (CHUCKLES)
- You girls up for anything?
- No.
What about you?
Best shop window. Again.
(CHUCKLES) Ooh!
Excuse me! Hi, over here.
Ooh, what have you got?
Ooh, I'm starving.
Oh, mini goats' cheese pizzas?
I'm so over those.
Me too!
No, thanks anyway. (GASPS)
Oh, my god, Trude.
Don't look now, don't look now,
but over there is '80s perm!
- (SQUEALING) Oh, no!
- Oh! She's dressed to the max!
- Oh, it's too funny!
- What's she got on?
(SQUEALS AND LAUGHS)
I can't believe it. Oh, my god.
I didn't know she was
with Kel's Meats!
My giddy gaydar.
The one with the man bag?
- BOTH: Mmm.
- Poof if ever I saw one.
Oh, don't!
You're dreadful, you're dreadful.
Is that included in the meal, Kel?
I'd say so.
Oh...
Gee, I feel a bit overdressed,
actually.
Kath, no-one holds a candle
to you, sweets.
Well, they better not. This has got
a High Fire Danger label on it.
Oh! Oh, look.
This is the new thing, Kel.
Goats' cheese.
Thank you, Si-o-ba-han.
(FUNKY MUSIC)
(DOG BARKS)
COMMENTATOR: Great goal
by Farren Ray.
- High-fives all around...
- (DOOR SLAMS)
..for the Bulldogs,
and the Bulldogs have gone...
(ANNOYED SIGH)
What's wrong?
What's the matter, Kimmy?
- I just got wind.
- Oh. Me too.
No, I just got wind that Mona
is having a party for whiny Briony
on the same day
at the same time as Epponnee's.
- Oh, really, Kim?
- (SIGHS)
I just bumped into one of
the creche mums at 7-Eleven,
and get this.
Mona is getting a petting zoo
for whiny Briony
and jet ski rides
for all the mum and dads.
- Oh, she's such a biatch!
- I like Mona.
(SIGHS) Not Mona. Whiny Briony!
So manipulative.
She just gets whatever she wants.
(PHONE RINGS)
Sounds familiar.
Hello? Yes.
Oh, well, get stuffed, then.
(SIGHS)
Who was that?
Bree's not coming.
Her mother thinks it's inappropriate
for a one-year-old
to have a celebrity party,
and she doesn't even know
who Mischa Barton is.
I mean, does the woman not read?
(SIGHS)
It's gonna be a bloody disaster!
What other celebrities have you
already got coming, Kimmy?
Well, we've got Nicole Richie,
Natalie Bassingthwaighte,
Bono and Bob Geldof.
Well, they're all fun.
Sounds like quite a good crowd.
'Quite good' is crap, Brett.
If Epponnee's party doesn't
blow everyone out of the water,
she's gonna grow up like me.
With no self-esteem!
- Poor Kimmy.
- (SIGHS)
Can't you just change the date?
No way.
We're gonna fight this.
And win.
Sharon, get balloon blowing.
Now!
Do I have to come as
Felicity Huffman?
Cyn, Mona, Mon, Crystal,
all you kids at The Peel -
you're beautiful.
- Congratulations.
No, I haven't finished yet,
actually.
And to all the naysayers
who said that an apricot waistcoat
would not fly out the door.
Boring!
And finally, Barbra, my schnoodle.
I love you.
Daddy will be home soon, darling.
And of course my mum, Rhonda,
who's watching at home
in Broken Hill.
Well, it's not actually televised,
Daryl.
It's not?
Well, it bloody well should be.
No argument from me.
Thank you. No. I love you all!
(APPLAUSE)
Thank you. Lovely sentiment.
Well done, Daryl.
Now it's time for the biggie.
And the nominees for the Fountain
Gate Retailer of the Year are...
Petra Hair Care, who I have to say
have been supplying me with
outstanding shampoos,
conditioners and styling gels
for over 15 years. Thank you.
(ONLY KATH AND KEL CLAPPING)
The Tie Rack up on the mezzanine,
last year's winner.
Could it be back-to-back?
Coochie Coo Kids Wear.
First-time nominee.
Honour in itself. Well done.
And finally, a familiar face,
Kel Knight, Purveyor of Fine Meats.
(SOMEONE COUGHS)
And the award goes to...
Worthy winner. Kel Knight.
Kel Knight, Purveyor of Fine Meats.
(APPLAUSE)
- Kel Knight, ladies and gentlemen.
- Well done, Kel.
- MAN 1: Good on you, Kel!
- MAN 2: Go, Kel! You beauty!
- Thank you so much.
- WOMAN: I love you, Kel!
Well done, Kel. We're a little
pushed for time, so...
OK, thanks.
Oh...
This is surreal. Unbelievable.
I've been dreaming of this.
Fountain Gate Retailer of the Year.
Whoo!
Oh, can't believe it.
Thanks so much.
- Thanks. Ni-night. Thanks very much.
- Good on you, Kel. Thank you.
- Well done.
- Oh, and Kath, this one's for you.
- You are the wings beneath my wind.
- Thanks very much.
Lovely words. Well done.
Kel Knight, everybody.
(APPLAUSE AND WHISTLING)
Thank you, Kel.
Little pushed for time right now.
OK, folks. That's it.
Congratulations to all winners
tonight. Absolutely tremendous.
Little bit of housekeeping
before we go.
I've spoken to the car park,
they will stay open
for another half an hour.
Enjoy your coffee.
(FUNKY MUSIC)
Come on, Sharon.
Help me with these goodie bags.
OK.
Right. Each bag contains...
one Garnier Fructis
firming booster sample sachet.
One 'TV Week'.
One Napoleon Perdis
bee-sting lip shine.
Oh, where did you get that?
Don't ask. And stop eating
the Ferrero Rochers!
Hello?
Oh, yes, thanks for calling back.
Yes, I was just enquiring about
hiring a celebrity lookalike.
Oh, yes.
Oh! Hello, doll. You're home early.
Well, if Retailer of the Year
can't come home
and sit on his laurels with his wife
for five minutes, what can he do?
Oh! (CHUCKLES)
And have a look at this.
Oh, wow! We're on the cover
of the 'Gate'!
- Oh, look at me. I look 100.
- No, you don't! You look nice.
- You look great.
- Yeah, I do.
And we got three more invitations
to opening nights.
Oh. Oh! Chris and Marie's
bare-rooted roses sale opening!
- Oh, gee, Kel. It's all starting.
- It is.
I'm so there, Jackie O.
Right, so no Lindsay Lohans left?
Well, who have you got?
Two Lara Bingles
and a Ralph Fiennes?
No, I'll get back to you.
Right.
(FUNKY MUSIC)
Who would you like me
to make it out to?
- Phyllis.
- To Phyllis.
These are my chicken and leek.
I hope you enjoy them.
Lovely.
Have a lovely night.
Thanks very much.
(FUNKY MUSIC)
DARYL: Can I help you?
Oh. Hello, you.
Congratulations.
I think mine's a little bit bigger.
- Story of my life.
- Yeah...
What can I do you for?
Oh, I've got all these openings.
I think I need a new tuxedo.
- Have a look.
- Oh, terrific.
By the way, are you interested
in coming along to one of our
regular little gatherings?
It's a sort of an alternative
retailers' association.
Just us boys.
It's called Fruits 'n' Suits.
It's a hoot.
That one's 699.
I was thinking you'd do a deal.
You know, give it to me pro bono.
Pro what? (CHUCKLES) Kel.
You know, give it to me for free.
You know?
Good publicity,
me being Retailer of the Year.
I'm pretty well known
around here now.
Well, that may be as such,
but you're not exactly
Grant Denyer yet.
The suit is $699.
Well, I might go and see
Barry on the mezzanine
and see what he can do for me.
Well, you just do that.
So, Kim, how much
is this all gonna cost?
I don't know. Not much.
Pony rides, jumping castle, catering.
It's ridiculous. We're trying
to save for our own house.
Brett, do you think
you could cut me some slack
and just let me run with
some of my ideas?
Well, it's just a bit over-the-top,
you know, catering it...
Everyone outsources their party pies
and sausage rolls these days!
Alright. Kim,
at least just have a budget.
(SIGHS)
(MOCKING) A budget! A budget!
Do you think Ron Walker had a budget
for the opening ceremony
of the Commonwealth Games?
By the looks, I don't think so.
I've gotta go.
Trust me, Brett.
I know what I'm doing!
(TOILET FLUSHES)
What have you come as?
Oh, Kel and I are going to the
opening of the new Gloria Jean's
on Bonbeach Station,
so I'm just teaming with a theme.
But Mum,
I need you to look after Epponnee
'cause I've gotta go
to Fountain Gate.
I've got so much to do!
- No, Kim, I can't!
- (SIGHS)
I mean, you know,
now Kel's a pillar of the community,
and I'm a virtual pillar myself...
I mean, you know,
Fountain Lakes First Lady.
Tickets!
Yeah, well, 'tickets'
is the operative word, Kim.
I mean, if Kel and I
aren't at every local opening,
we make or break shows.
I mean, we're bums on seats -
literally.
Gee, no big names here, Kel.
What are you talking about?
You're looking at him.
Uh, sorry, this is a VIP section.
Oh, no, Kel, it's Eric Bana.
- Oh!
- Hello, Eric.
- G'day.
- I'm Kath. Kath Day-Knight.
- OK.
- This is my husband, Kel.
Yeah, I think he knows
who I am. Yeah.
When did we last catch up?
I think it was in Munich.
- What do you do, Kel?
- Yeah. (CHUCKLES) Don't be funny.
Uh, another skinny latte, thanks!
- Make it a double.
- Yep.
Oh, Kel, don't you think
you've had enough?
That's your third double espresso.
- I'm fine.
- You're wired.
Hey, can you get your cameras
out of my face?
- Sorry, I'm just trying...
- That's alright.
- That's what we're here for.
- Hey, look, seriously.
No more photos, please.
Kel! No, Kel!
Just back it off!
Sorry, Eric. (CHUCKLES)
So, how long are you back here
in Australia for this time?
- Oh, I actually live here.
- Oh, that's right.
- Yes, I read that in the magazines.
- Yeah...
And yourself? Obviously an actress,
being such a looker.
Oh! Thank you, Eric. Yes, I am.
I've actually just finished
a run of 'Hedda Gabler'
at the Fountain Lakes Players.
Oh, really? Who did you play?
The gobbler?
Yes, I did, actually.
Sorry, Eric, can I just get
a quick photo of you there?
- Yeah, sure, mate.
- Oh.
- Me too?
- Jump in.
Oh! Eric Bana.
(CAMERA CLICKS)
Hey!
Back off, mate.
You're getting a bit too close
to my wife.
- Kel! What's wrong?
- Don't poke me, mate OK?
No. Put your manners
back in your pocket,
or this interview is over.
- Kel...
- OK, mate...
- What are you doing?
- Hey!
Don't walk away from me,
you little turd!
What?
Kel! Kel, stop it!
No! Kel! Stop it! Kel!
He's the Incredible Hulk!
- Oh, god!
- Are you finished, mate?
(SCREAMING) Kel! Stop it!
Eric, watch out!
Oh, stop it! Leave him alone!
Look out, Eric!
Where's your wife?
Oh, he's going green! Oh!
(TYRES SKID)
(STATIC)
(MUFFLED SPEECH)
(MUFFLED SPEECH AND STATIC BUZZ)
Mrs D, I've got the latest copy
of the 'Gate'.
You and Kel are all over it.
Oh, don't, Sharon.
Kel lost it last night.
Took on Eric Bana.
And you can imagine
who came off worse.
- Eric's still in hospital.
- KIM: Mum!
Have you worked out your costume
for the party today?
I mean, do you even know
which celebrity you're coming as?
Yes, I'm coming as Kate Moss,
because I look like her.
And Kel's coming as her boyfriend,
Peter O'Doherty,
which fits,
because he's out of control.
Oh, god, is that the time? 9:30?
Kel's still in bed.
Kel!
Has Kel given up work, Mrs D?
(SIGHS) No. But the fame
has gone to his head.
I tell you, Sharon, he's living
the rock-and-roll lifestyle.
Getting up at 9:30,
going to bed well after 10:00.
(CRASHING, GLASS SHATTERS)
Oh, no! What's that?
Oh, no!
Now he's throwing televisions
out the window!
Sorry. I was trying
to get reception.
(SIGHS) Kel, I think you better
pop in the shower and go to work,
toot sweet, please.
(TV ZAPPING)
Oh, don't touch it, Sharon.
It's still smoking.
KIM: Right.
This is the VIP section.
Wow!
What will we do in there?
No, you won't be allowed
in there, Sharon.
(FUNKY MUSIC
(SIGHS) Hi, Kel.
Ah. Hi, Kath. You're my first
customer all day. (CHUCKLES)
- Oh. Really?
- Yeah...
Oh, where have all your
gourmet sausages gone?
Yeah, I didn't get time to make any.
Oh. That's a shame.
Well, look, I'm just here to pick up
the little boys for Epp's party.
Oh, Epps's party!
Oh, sweets, I don't think I can
close the shop early again today.
- Oh...
- (SIGHS) I think you are right, Kath.
I have taken my eye
off the ball a bit,
and business is starting to suffer.
Yeah. Well, I think you have been
a bit seduced, Kel.
You know, by your newfound celebrity,
albeit C-list.
I've seen it happen before.
Creative people, they get their
pictures in the magazines too much
and they stop trying
with their work.
Yeah.
And ultimately what they
start creating becomes banal.
Well, that's not gonna happen to me.
I'm staying here till 5:30.
Oh, well, good boy.
And I'm coming up with ideas
for five new sausages.
Oh!
How does veal
and Vietnamese mince sound?
Oh, that sounds delish, doll.
Alright, well,
if you're gonna do that,
I better rethink my Kate Moss cossie,
because, you know, I don't want to
have flat hair all night!
(CHUCKLES) No way.
I'll get rid of this for a start.
(FUNKY MUSIC)
That is a massive Hummer.
(KNOCKING)
Sorry!
Felicity! Felicity!
Nice move. Thanks, Felicity.
Thanks very much.
Again, Felicity, thank you.
It's me. It's really me, Sharon.
Yeah. Yes. Felicity...
- Oh. Oh! Mrs D, that's great.
- Who are you?
Oh, Brett!
I'm Nicole in her early years.
You know, 1989 Logies frock?
Yeah, Nicole, Nicole,
how do you feel about TomKat?
Oh. No comment, Brett.
Nicole, where's Keith?
Where's Keith?
No comment.
Ooh, Posh! Posh!
I'm not Posh, I'm Bec Hewitt!
And Epponnee's Mia Hewitt.
Anyway, it doesn't matter,
the party's all over.
Everyone's going to Mona's.
(EXHALES) After all my efforts.
Oh, don't worry, Kim.
Look at little Epps.
She's loving the red carpet!
1,000 bucks down the drain.
1,000 bucks? Are you kidding, Kim?
Shut up, Brett! I hate you!
Kim... Posh! Posh!
I'm not Posh!
Have you been sick, Kel?
You could say that, Mrs Somers.
- OK. Ta-ta.
- Bye.
G'day, Daryl. What can I do you for?
Yes, I'm up for some pro bonos.
I'm sure we can work something out.
Just small ones, actually.
They're for Barbra, my schnoodle.
No worries. As many as you like.
You alright, Kel?
You seem a little bit stressed.
I'm meant to be at
a celebrity party,
but no costume.
Oh! I can help you there.
Just pop down to the shop
after you close.
Did you say celebrity?
(CHUCKLES) Kel,
you should just go as yourself.
No way. I'm just Kel.
Plain old Kel.
Purveyor of damn fine meats.
OK. Who's next?
BRETT: That's lovely, Felicity.
That's great. Sign a little higher.
Turn to me. Shoulder, thanks.
That's great.
That's... Hold that. Great, yeah,
thanks. Thanks, Felicity.
Felicity, get out of
the VIP section, now!
Oh, Kim! Why can't I be
a very important person?
(DOG BARKS)
I think someone's here.
Who is it?
I don't know. It looks like...
(GASPS) Oh, my god! It is!
- Mrs D!
- Yeah?
It's Keith Urban.
It really is Keith Urban.
(MUTTERS) Jeez...
(UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC)
♪ I'm a bad boy
♪ A bad boy for love... ♪
Keith!
I mean, Kel.
You look gorgeous!
Oh, the hair, the chaps,
the Cuban heels...
- Come here, Nicole.
- Oh...
Kel, the pull of fame
too strong for you?
Oh, I love a red carpet opportunity.
Oh, ditto, twofold,
you great hunk of spunk.
I'd go to the opening of a fridge
if someone invited me. (CHUCKLES)
- Keith? Nicole?
- (GASPS)
That's enough, Brett.
Respect our privacy, please.
♪ Yeah, I'm a bad boy
♪ A bad boy for love... ♪
(SIGHS) Oh, well,
that was good in the end.
What are you reading?
'Spotless'.
You know,
it's all about stain removal.
It was really sad.
Speaking of stains,
Sharon spilt Gatorade
on my skinny legs.
Oh, actually, that's in here.
Let me look. Hang on,
where did I see that?
Yes, here it is.
Uh, Gatorade on skinny legs -
"Make a paste -"
"two parts bicarb,"
"one part pneumonia."
"Leave o'night."
Well, I'm reading 'The Secret'.
Oh, yeah. What's that about?
Well, it's just about
if you want something,
you can wish for it,
and you'll get it, 100%.
I didn't know that.
(EPPONNEE GURGLES
ON MONITOR)
Go to sleep, Epponnee, please.
(WHINING)
Poor little Epps.
You know, you and Brett should think
about having another baby, Kim.
Well, actually,
we've been trying.
- Really?
- Yep.
Nothing's happening, though.
Oh...
Well, maybe you
should think about
getting into some
futility treatment.
What's the point?
Although, I wouldn't mind
having a designer baby.
You know those ones you can choose
from a catalogue?
Oh, yes! Where you
can just, like,
choose your genes.
You can choose a
professor's genes
and mix it with a model's genes.
That's right. But I suppose
the risk is
it might look like the professor
and think like the model.
Yeah, that's a risk.
No, it'd be good, it'd be good.
And you could carry it for me.
You could be my surrogate.
And then I'd have no downtime.
- That'd be good.
- No way, Jose!
I'm not going there again, god...
Why don't you just do what it says
in 'The Secret' and wish for a baby?
Yeah, that's a good idea, actually!
Does it say how long it takes
before it arrives?
Yep. Hold on. It does, it does.
Just here. Yep. Three working days.
- Really? That's quicker than eBay!
- Yeah!
Gee, I might wish for something.
What can I wish for?
Oh, I know what I need!
A new video iPod.
Because my Nano's far too small
to hold all Anthony Callea's
huge back catalogue.
Captioned by Ai-Media
ai-media. tv
- Oh, it's nice.
- It's nice.
- It's different. It is nice.
- Yeah, it's unusual.
♪ There's always a lonely clown
♪ And there is a jester, just a fool
♪ As foolish as he can be
♪ There's always a joker,
that's the rule
♪ But fate deals a hand and I see
♪ The joker is me
♪ The joker is me
♪ The joker
♪ Is me. ♪
KIM: Yes, a marquee for 500 guests.
Actually, you better make it 1,000.
Yes, alright.
- Oh, Eppies. Good girl!
- (EPPONNEE GURGLES)
Kim, can you get off the phone,
please? I need to call Oz Knits.
No! I'm on hold
with the party planners.
I'm just getting some prices
for Epponnee's birthday party.
Party planners?
Kim, that's a bit OTT, isn't it?
Mum, she's turning the big 01.
Come on...
Oh, Kim, she'd be happy with
a little bit of sauce on a saveloy,
the poor little bugger.
Was that all you did for me, was it?
Oh, no, we couldn't have
a party for you, Kim.
You were a biter.
We all lived in fear.
Well, Epponnee's popular at creche,
so she's having a party.
Listen what P Diddly did
with the twins.
He had a gangster rap theme,
and all the babies packed pieces
in their diapers.
Oh, don't say 'diapers', Kim.
We're not American.
Wish we were.
They have so much fun there.
(SCOFFS) Stupid girl.
One idea I had was
taking them to Gold Class
and then to Intencity
to play video games,
but I don't think that's gonna work,
'cause most of them can't use
their disposable thumbs yet.
Well, why don't you have
a theme party, Kim?
Like, you know, what's Epps's
favourite TV show at the moment?
'SpongeBob SquarePants'
or 'Hi-5'?
Oh, no, no, no. She's into
'Desperate Housewives' now.
Oh, snap! Good girl, Epps.
Well, we could do something here.
I could come as Teri Hatcher,
'cause I am a bit like the
Teri Hatcher of Lagoon Court.
Yes! And I could be Marcia Cross!
Yeah! Well, you've got
the 'cross' bit right.
- Yeah!
- And Sharon can be Felicity Half Man!
Epponnee, do you want to be Eva
Longoria for your birthday party?
(CRYING)
Nup. She doesn't like the idea.
No. But what about just
a celebrity party, you know?
The babies could choose which
celebrities they want to go as.
Oh, yes! And we could
all go as couples.
You know, like, I could go as...
Who could I go as?
I know! Peter Overton
and Jessica Rowe.
They're everywhere at the moment.
- Who?
- (BEEPING DIAL TONE)
Oh, bum, they cut me off!
Oh, good. I need the phone.
Thank you, Kim.
(BUTTONS BEEP)
Hello? Yes, Oz Knits.
Yes, it's Kath Day-Knight here.
I'm just ringing up about a
pumpkin shrug that I had on order.
(FUNKY MUSIC)
Oh, you look nice, Kel.
Where are you off to?
Oh, thanks, Sharon.
It's the Fountain Gate retailers'
awards night. Yeah.
Oh! That's right. And you're
up for the big one, aren't you?
- Retailer of the Year award!
- Yeah.
I reckon you'll win, Kel.
No, Sharon, I won't win. Gee.
I'm up against The Tie Rack,
Petra Hair Care...
Not a hope in hell.
It's fun to go, though.
But you can't take these things
too seriously.
Come on, Kath.
I don't want to be late!
- Yes, I'm here!
- Oh!
- Oh, wow, Mrs D!
- You look stunning, Kath. Yeah.
Not too much? How's my make-up?
Lose the shrug? What do you think?
Stop your fussing, you look fine.
Let's go. Come on.
Well, I don't know, do I, Kel?
If you win, there'll be
photographers, the paparazzi.
I might get papped!
I won't win.
Hey, well, you might win,
you don't know!
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Oh, god! The Fountain Gate
retailers' awards,
I mean, could it get
any more tragic?
I know, Trude, but it's work,
we've got to do it.
I know, it's just I'm tired.
I've been out
too many nights this week.
I don't know how you do it, Trude.
Well, I can't say no at the mo.
Friday night was dinner
with the girls from Curves,
Saturday was Year Five
trivia night at school,
and last night was
the Timbertop reunion,
which was, you know, great,
but late.
Yeah, I know.
Well, Adrian and I
had the beyondblue do.
- Oh, that depressed organisation?
- Yeah.
Look, it was for the depressed,
but god, it was fun!
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
You know, Dickie Tognetti was there.
- Ooh, the beautiful violinist?
- Mmm.
Yes, and, you know, I had had
a few cheekies, I must admit,
and I just thought, "Look, no,
I'm gonna go and talk to you."
- Because he was on his own.
- Oh, god, you're good.
- Was he gorgeous?
- No, he was frosty as hell.
But you know, I love that in a guy.
Don't know anyone here...
Oh, there's Daryl! Daryl!
Daryl, hi!
Come here, Daryl, save us!
How are you?
Hello, girls. How you doing?
Prue, you look stunning. I've never
seen you with lippy on before.
You look just like Joan Crawford
in 'Mildred Pierce'.
Who do I look like?
Who do I look like?
- I'll get back to you.
- (CHUCKLES)
- You girls up for anything?
- No.
What about you?
Best shop window. Again.
(CHUCKLES) Ooh!
Excuse me! Hi, over here.
Ooh, what have you got?
Ooh, I'm starving.
Oh, mini goats' cheese pizzas?
I'm so over those.
Me too!
No, thanks anyway. (GASPS)
Oh, my god, Trude.
Don't look now, don't look now,
but over there is '80s perm!
- (SQUEALING) Oh, no!
- Oh! She's dressed to the max!
- Oh, it's too funny!
- What's she got on?
(SQUEALS AND LAUGHS)
I can't believe it. Oh, my god.
I didn't know she was
with Kel's Meats!
My giddy gaydar.
The one with the man bag?
- BOTH: Mmm.
- Poof if ever I saw one.
Oh, don't!
You're dreadful, you're dreadful.
Is that included in the meal, Kel?
I'd say so.
Oh...
Gee, I feel a bit overdressed,
actually.
Kath, no-one holds a candle
to you, sweets.
Well, they better not. This has got
a High Fire Danger label on it.
Oh! Oh, look.
This is the new thing, Kel.
Goats' cheese.
Thank you, Si-o-ba-han.
(FUNKY MUSIC)
(DOG BARKS)
COMMENTATOR: Great goal
by Farren Ray.
- High-fives all around...
- (DOOR SLAMS)
..for the Bulldogs,
and the Bulldogs have gone...
(ANNOYED SIGH)
What's wrong?
What's the matter, Kimmy?
- I just got wind.
- Oh. Me too.
No, I just got wind that Mona
is having a party for whiny Briony
on the same day
at the same time as Epponnee's.
- Oh, really, Kim?
- (SIGHS)
I just bumped into one of
the creche mums at 7-Eleven,
and get this.
Mona is getting a petting zoo
for whiny Briony
and jet ski rides
for all the mum and dads.
- Oh, she's such a biatch!
- I like Mona.
(SIGHS) Not Mona. Whiny Briony!
So manipulative.
She just gets whatever she wants.
(PHONE RINGS)
Sounds familiar.
Hello? Yes.
Oh, well, get stuffed, then.
(SIGHS)
Who was that?
Bree's not coming.
Her mother thinks it's inappropriate
for a one-year-old
to have a celebrity party,
and she doesn't even know
who Mischa Barton is.
I mean, does the woman not read?
(SIGHS)
It's gonna be a bloody disaster!
What other celebrities have you
already got coming, Kimmy?
Well, we've got Nicole Richie,
Natalie Bassingthwaighte,
Bono and Bob Geldof.
Well, they're all fun.
Sounds like quite a good crowd.
'Quite good' is crap, Brett.
If Epponnee's party doesn't
blow everyone out of the water,
she's gonna grow up like me.
With no self-esteem!
- Poor Kimmy.
- (SIGHS)
Can't you just change the date?
No way.
We're gonna fight this.
And win.
Sharon, get balloon blowing.
Now!
Do I have to come as
Felicity Huffman?
Cyn, Mona, Mon, Crystal,
all you kids at The Peel -
you're beautiful.
- Congratulations.
No, I haven't finished yet,
actually.
And to all the naysayers
who said that an apricot waistcoat
would not fly out the door.
Boring!
And finally, Barbra, my schnoodle.
I love you.
Daddy will be home soon, darling.
And of course my mum, Rhonda,
who's watching at home
in Broken Hill.
Well, it's not actually televised,
Daryl.
It's not?
Well, it bloody well should be.
No argument from me.
Thank you. No. I love you all!
(APPLAUSE)
Thank you. Lovely sentiment.
Well done, Daryl.
Now it's time for the biggie.
And the nominees for the Fountain
Gate Retailer of the Year are...
Petra Hair Care, who I have to say
have been supplying me with
outstanding shampoos,
conditioners and styling gels
for over 15 years. Thank you.
(ONLY KATH AND KEL CLAPPING)
The Tie Rack up on the mezzanine,
last year's winner.
Could it be back-to-back?
Coochie Coo Kids Wear.
First-time nominee.
Honour in itself. Well done.
And finally, a familiar face,
Kel Knight, Purveyor of Fine Meats.
(SOMEONE COUGHS)
And the award goes to...
Worthy winner. Kel Knight.
Kel Knight, Purveyor of Fine Meats.
(APPLAUSE)
- Kel Knight, ladies and gentlemen.
- Well done, Kel.
- MAN 1: Good on you, Kel!
- MAN 2: Go, Kel! You beauty!
- Thank you so much.
- WOMAN: I love you, Kel!
Well done, Kel. We're a little
pushed for time, so...
OK, thanks.
Oh...
This is surreal. Unbelievable.
I've been dreaming of this.
Fountain Gate Retailer of the Year.
Whoo!
Oh, can't believe it.
Thanks so much.
- Thanks. Ni-night. Thanks very much.
- Good on you, Kel. Thank you.
- Well done.
- Oh, and Kath, this one's for you.
- You are the wings beneath my wind.
- Thanks very much.
Lovely words. Well done.
Kel Knight, everybody.
(APPLAUSE AND WHISTLING)
Thank you, Kel.
Little pushed for time right now.
OK, folks. That's it.
Congratulations to all winners
tonight. Absolutely tremendous.
Little bit of housekeeping
before we go.
I've spoken to the car park,
they will stay open
for another half an hour.
Enjoy your coffee.
(FUNKY MUSIC)
Come on, Sharon.
Help me with these goodie bags.
OK.
Right. Each bag contains...
one Garnier Fructis
firming booster sample sachet.
One 'TV Week'.
One Napoleon Perdis
bee-sting lip shine.
Oh, where did you get that?
Don't ask. And stop eating
the Ferrero Rochers!
Hello?
Oh, yes, thanks for calling back.
Yes, I was just enquiring about
hiring a celebrity lookalike.
Oh, yes.
Oh! Hello, doll. You're home early.
Well, if Retailer of the Year
can't come home
and sit on his laurels with his wife
for five minutes, what can he do?
Oh! (CHUCKLES)
And have a look at this.
Oh, wow! We're on the cover
of the 'Gate'!
- Oh, look at me. I look 100.
- No, you don't! You look nice.
- You look great.
- Yeah, I do.
And we got three more invitations
to opening nights.
Oh. Oh! Chris and Marie's
bare-rooted roses sale opening!
- Oh, gee, Kel. It's all starting.
- It is.
I'm so there, Jackie O.
Right, so no Lindsay Lohans left?
Well, who have you got?
Two Lara Bingles
and a Ralph Fiennes?
No, I'll get back to you.
Right.
(FUNKY MUSIC)
Who would you like me
to make it out to?
- Phyllis.
- To Phyllis.
These are my chicken and leek.
I hope you enjoy them.
Lovely.
Have a lovely night.
Thanks very much.
(FUNKY MUSIC)
DARYL: Can I help you?
Oh. Hello, you.
Congratulations.
I think mine's a little bit bigger.
- Story of my life.
- Yeah...
What can I do you for?
Oh, I've got all these openings.
I think I need a new tuxedo.
- Have a look.
- Oh, terrific.
By the way, are you interested
in coming along to one of our
regular little gatherings?
It's a sort of an alternative
retailers' association.
Just us boys.
It's called Fruits 'n' Suits.
It's a hoot.
That one's 699.
I was thinking you'd do a deal.
You know, give it to me pro bono.
Pro what? (CHUCKLES) Kel.
You know, give it to me for free.
You know?
Good publicity,
me being Retailer of the Year.
I'm pretty well known
around here now.
Well, that may be as such,
but you're not exactly
Grant Denyer yet.
The suit is $699.
Well, I might go and see
Barry on the mezzanine
and see what he can do for me.
Well, you just do that.
So, Kim, how much
is this all gonna cost?
I don't know. Not much.
Pony rides, jumping castle, catering.
It's ridiculous. We're trying
to save for our own house.
Brett, do you think
you could cut me some slack
and just let me run with
some of my ideas?
Well, it's just a bit over-the-top,
you know, catering it...
Everyone outsources their party pies
and sausage rolls these days!
Alright. Kim,
at least just have a budget.
(SIGHS)
(MOCKING) A budget! A budget!
Do you think Ron Walker had a budget
for the opening ceremony
of the Commonwealth Games?
By the looks, I don't think so.
I've gotta go.
Trust me, Brett.
I know what I'm doing!
(TOILET FLUSHES)
What have you come as?
Oh, Kel and I are going to the
opening of the new Gloria Jean's
on Bonbeach Station,
so I'm just teaming with a theme.
But Mum,
I need you to look after Epponnee
'cause I've gotta go
to Fountain Gate.
I've got so much to do!
- No, Kim, I can't!
- (SIGHS)
I mean, you know,
now Kel's a pillar of the community,
and I'm a virtual pillar myself...
I mean, you know,
Fountain Lakes First Lady.
Tickets!
Yeah, well, 'tickets'
is the operative word, Kim.
I mean, if Kel and I
aren't at every local opening,
we make or break shows.
I mean, we're bums on seats -
literally.
Gee, no big names here, Kel.
What are you talking about?
You're looking at him.
Uh, sorry, this is a VIP section.
Oh, no, Kel, it's Eric Bana.
- Oh!
- Hello, Eric.
- G'day.
- I'm Kath. Kath Day-Knight.
- OK.
- This is my husband, Kel.
Yeah, I think he knows
who I am. Yeah.
When did we last catch up?
I think it was in Munich.
- What do you do, Kel?
- Yeah. (CHUCKLES) Don't be funny.
Uh, another skinny latte, thanks!
- Make it a double.
- Yep.
Oh, Kel, don't you think
you've had enough?
That's your third double espresso.
- I'm fine.
- You're wired.
Hey, can you get your cameras
out of my face?
- Sorry, I'm just trying...
- That's alright.
- That's what we're here for.
- Hey, look, seriously.
No more photos, please.
Kel! No, Kel!
Just back it off!
Sorry, Eric. (CHUCKLES)
So, how long are you back here
in Australia for this time?
- Oh, I actually live here.
- Oh, that's right.
- Yes, I read that in the magazines.
- Yeah...
And yourself? Obviously an actress,
being such a looker.
Oh! Thank you, Eric. Yes, I am.
I've actually just finished
a run of 'Hedda Gabler'
at the Fountain Lakes Players.
Oh, really? Who did you play?
The gobbler?
Yes, I did, actually.
Sorry, Eric, can I just get
a quick photo of you there?
- Yeah, sure, mate.
- Oh.
- Me too?
- Jump in.
Oh! Eric Bana.
(CAMERA CLICKS)
Hey!
Back off, mate.
You're getting a bit too close
to my wife.
- Kel! What's wrong?
- Don't poke me, mate OK?
No. Put your manners
back in your pocket,
or this interview is over.
- Kel...
- OK, mate...
- What are you doing?
- Hey!
Don't walk away from me,
you little turd!
What?
Kel! Kel, stop it!
No! Kel! Stop it! Kel!
He's the Incredible Hulk!
- Oh, god!
- Are you finished, mate?
(SCREAMING) Kel! Stop it!
Eric, watch out!
Oh, stop it! Leave him alone!
Look out, Eric!
Where's your wife?
Oh, he's going green! Oh!
(TYRES SKID)
(STATIC)
(MUFFLED SPEECH)
(MUFFLED SPEECH AND STATIC BUZZ)
Mrs D, I've got the latest copy
of the 'Gate'.
You and Kel are all over it.
Oh, don't, Sharon.
Kel lost it last night.
Took on Eric Bana.
And you can imagine
who came off worse.
- Eric's still in hospital.
- KIM: Mum!
Have you worked out your costume
for the party today?
I mean, do you even know
which celebrity you're coming as?
Yes, I'm coming as Kate Moss,
because I look like her.
And Kel's coming as her boyfriend,
Peter O'Doherty,
which fits,
because he's out of control.
Oh, god, is that the time? 9:30?
Kel's still in bed.
Kel!
Has Kel given up work, Mrs D?
(SIGHS) No. But the fame
has gone to his head.
I tell you, Sharon, he's living
the rock-and-roll lifestyle.
Getting up at 9:30,
going to bed well after 10:00.
(CRASHING, GLASS SHATTERS)
Oh, no! What's that?
Oh, no!
Now he's throwing televisions
out the window!
Sorry. I was trying
to get reception.
(SIGHS) Kel, I think you better
pop in the shower and go to work,
toot sweet, please.
(TV ZAPPING)
Oh, don't touch it, Sharon.
It's still smoking.
KIM: Right.
This is the VIP section.
Wow!
What will we do in there?
No, you won't be allowed
in there, Sharon.
(FUNKY MUSIC
(SIGHS) Hi, Kel.
Ah. Hi, Kath. You're my first
customer all day. (CHUCKLES)
- Oh. Really?
- Yeah...
Oh, where have all your
gourmet sausages gone?
Yeah, I didn't get time to make any.
Oh. That's a shame.
Well, look, I'm just here to pick up
the little boys for Epp's party.
Oh, Epps's party!
Oh, sweets, I don't think I can
close the shop early again today.
- Oh...
- (SIGHS) I think you are right, Kath.
I have taken my eye
off the ball a bit,
and business is starting to suffer.
Yeah. Well, I think you have been
a bit seduced, Kel.
You know, by your newfound celebrity,
albeit C-list.
I've seen it happen before.
Creative people, they get their
pictures in the magazines too much
and they stop trying
with their work.
Yeah.
And ultimately what they
start creating becomes banal.
Well, that's not gonna happen to me.
I'm staying here till 5:30.
Oh, well, good boy.
And I'm coming up with ideas
for five new sausages.
Oh!
How does veal
and Vietnamese mince sound?
Oh, that sounds delish, doll.
Alright, well,
if you're gonna do that,
I better rethink my Kate Moss cossie,
because, you know, I don't want to
have flat hair all night!
(CHUCKLES) No way.
I'll get rid of this for a start.
(FUNKY MUSIC)
That is a massive Hummer.
(KNOCKING)
Sorry!
Felicity! Felicity!
Nice move. Thanks, Felicity.
Thanks very much.
Again, Felicity, thank you.
It's me. It's really me, Sharon.
Yeah. Yes. Felicity...
- Oh. Oh! Mrs D, that's great.
- Who are you?
Oh, Brett!
I'm Nicole in her early years.
You know, 1989 Logies frock?
Yeah, Nicole, Nicole,
how do you feel about TomKat?
Oh. No comment, Brett.
Nicole, where's Keith?
Where's Keith?
No comment.
Ooh, Posh! Posh!
I'm not Posh, I'm Bec Hewitt!
And Epponnee's Mia Hewitt.
Anyway, it doesn't matter,
the party's all over.
Everyone's going to Mona's.
(EXHALES) After all my efforts.
Oh, don't worry, Kim.
Look at little Epps.
She's loving the red carpet!
1,000 bucks down the drain.
1,000 bucks? Are you kidding, Kim?
Shut up, Brett! I hate you!
Kim... Posh! Posh!
I'm not Posh!
Have you been sick, Kel?
You could say that, Mrs Somers.
- OK. Ta-ta.
- Bye.
G'day, Daryl. What can I do you for?
Yes, I'm up for some pro bonos.
I'm sure we can work something out.
Just small ones, actually.
They're for Barbra, my schnoodle.
No worries. As many as you like.
You alright, Kel?
You seem a little bit stressed.
I'm meant to be at
a celebrity party,
but no costume.
Oh! I can help you there.
Just pop down to the shop
after you close.
Did you say celebrity?
(CHUCKLES) Kel,
you should just go as yourself.
No way. I'm just Kel.
Plain old Kel.
Purveyor of damn fine meats.
OK. Who's next?
BRETT: That's lovely, Felicity.
That's great. Sign a little higher.
Turn to me. Shoulder, thanks.
That's great.
That's... Hold that. Great, yeah,
thanks. Thanks, Felicity.
Felicity, get out of
the VIP section, now!
Oh, Kim! Why can't I be
a very important person?
(DOG BARKS)
I think someone's here.
Who is it?
I don't know. It looks like...
(GASPS) Oh, my god! It is!
- Mrs D!
- Yeah?
It's Keith Urban.
It really is Keith Urban.
(MUTTERS) Jeez...
(UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC)
♪ I'm a bad boy
♪ A bad boy for love... ♪
Keith!
I mean, Kel.
You look gorgeous!
Oh, the hair, the chaps,
the Cuban heels...
- Come here, Nicole.
- Oh...
Kel, the pull of fame
too strong for you?
Oh, I love a red carpet opportunity.
Oh, ditto, twofold,
you great hunk of spunk.
I'd go to the opening of a fridge
if someone invited me. (CHUCKLES)
- Keith? Nicole?
- (GASPS)
That's enough, Brett.
Respect our privacy, please.
♪ Yeah, I'm a bad boy
♪ A bad boy for love... ♪
(SIGHS) Oh, well,
that was good in the end.
What are you reading?
'Spotless'.
You know,
it's all about stain removal.
It was really sad.
Speaking of stains,
Sharon spilt Gatorade
on my skinny legs.
Oh, actually, that's in here.
Let me look. Hang on,
where did I see that?
Yes, here it is.
Uh, Gatorade on skinny legs -
"Make a paste -"
"two parts bicarb,"
"one part pneumonia."
"Leave o'night."
Well, I'm reading 'The Secret'.
Oh, yeah. What's that about?
Well, it's just about
if you want something,
you can wish for it,
and you'll get it, 100%.
I didn't know that.
(EPPONNEE GURGLES
ON MONITOR)
Go to sleep, Epponnee, please.
(WHINING)
Poor little Epps.
You know, you and Brett should think
about having another baby, Kim.
Well, actually,
we've been trying.
- Really?
- Yep.
Nothing's happening, though.
Oh...
Well, maybe you
should think about
getting into some
futility treatment.
What's the point?
Although, I wouldn't mind
having a designer baby.
You know those ones you can choose
from a catalogue?
Oh, yes! Where you
can just, like,
choose your genes.
You can choose a
professor's genes
and mix it with a model's genes.
That's right. But I suppose
the risk is
it might look like the professor
and think like the model.
Yeah, that's a risk.
No, it'd be good, it'd be good.
And you could carry it for me.
You could be my surrogate.
And then I'd have no downtime.
- That'd be good.
- No way, Jose!
I'm not going there again, god...
Why don't you just do what it says
in 'The Secret' and wish for a baby?
Yeah, that's a good idea, actually!
Does it say how long it takes
before it arrives?
Yep. Hold on. It does, it does.
Just here. Yep. Three working days.
- Really? That's quicker than eBay!
- Yeah!
Gee, I might wish for something.
What can I wish for?
Oh, I know what I need!
A new video iPod.
Because my Nano's far too small
to hold all Anthony Callea's
huge back catalogue.
Captioned by Ai-Media
ai-media. tv
- Oh, it's nice.
- It's nice.
- It's different. It is nice.
- Yeah, it's unusual.