Just Shoot Me! (1997–2003): Season 7, Episode 9 - Watch Your Backdraft - full transcript

Good morning, Blush.

The temperature is a
delightful 51 degrees.

- D'you hear that voice, too?

- Yeah, that's
Jack's new intercom.

- No, the voice of
my father mocking me

for the way I throw a football.

Stop it, daddy.

- Can you believe Jack?

He's wasting our time
with this stupid drivel.

And our employee of the day

is Elliot DeMauro.

Hot damn!

This month's Blush birthdays are

Justin McComiskey, who turns 22,

Tyler Garland, who turns 36,

and Nina Van Horn, who turns

- Hey, I just saw Vicki
and your husband

down in the lobby.

I guess they're back together.

- Pete's here, oh, my, God.

- What's wrong?

- Oh, no, I am not
going to tell you.

The last time I shared
something with you,

you embarrassed me in
front of the whole office.

- All right, that was a
honest misunderstanding.

I misheard you.

- Elliot and I were
taking a pottery class.

I clearly said I liked
the shape of his bowls.

- Come on, you can trust me.

It might make you feel
better to talk about it.

- You know, actually, you
might be the one person

who would understand this,

but no judgments and
you've gotta keep it quiet.

- All right, no judgments.

- I slept with Pete.

You whore.

- You said no judgments.

- Oh, come on.

First, you obsess over
Elliot's bowls and now this,

and you're not exactly
wearing white at the wedding,

are you?

- He and Vicki were separated.

I ended up comforting
him in the firehouse,

in the nude, over and
over and over again.

- Twice?
- Uh-huh.

But I didn't mean
for it to happen.

There is just something
about that damn fireman

that I can't resist.

- Hey, guys.
- Hey, Pete.

- Hey, Maya. You look good.

- As do you, Pete.

Very clean.

- Hey, will you
give me a second?

I'll meet you in my new office.

- Yeah, bye.

- So, me and Pete back together.

It's pretty weird, huh?

- What are you accusing her of?

- Nothing.

No, I just wanna
say thank you, Maya,

'cause if it weren't for you,

I never would've given
him a second chance.

- God, I can't take it.

I can't take the guilt.

I'm gonna have to tell her.

- No, no, no, no,
no, don't, don't.

Trust me.

No, a friend never wants to know

that you've slept
with her husband,

or her son, for that matter.

Just be smart, keep
your mouth shut,

and pretend this never happened.

- You're right, but it's
gonna be kinda awkward

with him in the office.

How do you handle it when
you're around someone

you've slept with?

- Oh, that's simple.

You just give a pleasant
hello and keep on walking.





- You're late.

You know how the
Lord frowns on that.

- I know, I know.

I read your pamphlet.

Why did I buy a car?

I've been drivin'
around for hours

tryin' to find a place to park.

- There's plenty of
parking in Heaven,

and it's all valet.

Dennis, where the
hell have you been,

and where's my breakfast?

- Sorry, Jack.

It's coming.

It won't happen again.

God, I need a
regular parking spot.

I need one of the Blush
spaces downstairs.

- Those are for executives.

- Yeah, give me
that job application.

- What are you doin'?

You smell of sin.

- Jack's about to
hire a new executive.

Now I need a name.

Johnny Nosenglasses.

Weirdo McScareskids?

- Where are my
berries and toast?

Barry Toastman?

- Yeah, he's a new junior
exec in Procurement.

- Procurement?
- Mm-hmm.

- So, we lost Hanran?
- Mm, yeah, we did.

Hang on a sec.

Hey, Hanran, you suck.

Jack says you're fired, beat it.

Anyway, sorry about that.

Just sign on the bottom

and I'll get Toastman his
elevator card, his locker,

his parking space,
blah blah blah.

- I'd like to meet him.

You can't.

You can't, he's out sick.

He's gettin' his treatment.

- Treatment?

Treatment for what?

Cupular disorder?

- What's that?

- Ach, it's horrible, Jack.

It's real bad.

It's, like, every
organ in his body

is half a step behind.

It's just, yeah,

and you can imagine
by the end of the day,

how that adds up.

Poor bastard.

Is he contagious?

- I, I'm not a doctor.

I don't know.

- Well, have Kevin lick his
coffee cup just to be sure.

- Oh, hey, Maya.

Pete and I need you to...
- I can't.

- But, I didn't even tell you.

I'm busy.

- Is something wrong?

You're acting kinda weird.

- I'm not weird.

You're the one who's weird,

with your lipstick
and your tiny hat.

What's that about?

- Aw come on, quit
screwing around.

It'll take two seconds, come on.

- What's up with Maya?

- Oh, uh, I can't
tell you what it is,

because it's a secret.

- You can't keep a secret.

- Yes, I can.

I've changed.

- All right, I respect that.

- Oh, good, because
Maya has trusted me

with a confidence and
I cannot betray that.

- All right, I
wouldn't ask you to.


All right, she slept with Pete.

Let's just leave it at that.

- Hey, Maya's gonna
help us hang the pictures.

- Oh, I can handle it.

- Guys, they don't wanna think.

All they wanna do is
nail somethin', huh?

Ha ha ha.

- OK, go hold them
up against the wall.

Maya, move right next to Pete.


You know what?

Hold yours directly over Pete's.


You know what?

I think I wanna reverse 'em.

Yeah, it is better on top.

You like it like that, Maya?

- Oh, oh.

- Oh, my God, that was mine.

I'm so sorry.

- It's all right.

- Oh, here.

Here, I'll do it.

You do it.

- Oh, sweetie, no, you
just gonna make it worse.

Take off your shirt and
I'll go over and rinse it out.

- No, it's fine.

I don't wanna take off my shirt.

- Oh, no, Pete's so hot,

if he takes off his shirt,

we're all gonna throw
ourselves at 'im, right, Maya?

Ha ha ha.

Throw ourselves at
him, 'cause he's so hot.

- OK, I'll be right back.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- You know, it's cool.

I'm so cool, because,
you know, we're adults

and we're gonna see each other

and we'll just pretend like
nothing ever happened.

- I still have feelings for you.


- I can't help it.

I thought I wanted
Vicki, but then I saw you,

and all these emotions
started rushing through me.

My heart, it's goin'
M-Maya, M-Maya, M-Maya.

- No, it should be going
V-Vicki, V-Vicki, V-Vicki.

- I can't make it say
what it doesn't wanna say.

- Pete, you're confused.

With the weak lighting
and the new carpet scent,

it's a very sexual office.

- Look, I know it
sounds crazy, but,

I think I wanna
be with you, Maya.

- Uh, no.

You're with your wife.

I have standards, I have
morals, I am a good girl.

By the way, I might
have left my panties

on the CPR dummy
and I'd like them back.

- You know, I'm a little
cheesed off with this Toastman.

I tried to reach him three times

for a little meet-and-greet,
and no reply.

- Oh, Jack, that is not cool.

- No, it's not.

It's totally whack.

My cable is stuck on MTV.

In any case, I know
Toastman is sick,

but he really
should try to call me.

That fool be trippin'.

- Anyway, this came for ya.

- Oh.

"Dear Mr. Gallo, I'm so
sorry that my condition

"has delayed our meeting.

"Please accept my apologies.

"Sincerely, Barry Toastman."

Holy cow, 25 year-old Scotch.

The guy's a treasure.

- Hey, sorry, I'm late.

I had to run down and
get some nasal spray.

I've got the sniffles.

- Barry Toastman is in the
field with cupular disorder

and you're talkin'
to me about sniffles?

- Cup-a-what now?

- Oh, that's good.

Mock a sick man.

Give me this spray.
- What?

- You don't deserve eight
to 12 hours of nasal relief.

- What's up with him and
this Barry Toastman guy?

- You know Jack.

He'll get over it.

Attention, I've changed my mind.

The new employee of
the day is Barry Toastman.

- What did I do?

And who took my tuna sandwich?

- Oh, Toastman ate that.

- Why do you have tuna breath?

- I had to give Toastman

- This is a scam.

I don't buy it for a second.

- It's true.

He got a kink in
his cakeular valve.

- So, I just told him flat out,

"You're with your wife now.

"It's not gonna happen."

I mean, like, I
totally shut him down.

- Well, Maya, I am proud of you.

- Pete just dumped me.

Out of the blue, the
sonofabitch dumped me.

What the hell happened?

- Maybe it's another woman.

Maybe you're just
not that good in bed.

- He begs me to take him back

and then he turns around
and tells me that it's over.

- Oh, my God.

Did he give you a reason?

- He said something
about his heart talking.

What the hell does that mean?

- Wow, that makes no sense,

and like you, I am
completely in the dark.

- I bet it is another
woman, and when I find her,

I am going to break her in half.

- Hey, Maya, these
just came for you.

- Wow, who are those from?

- Um, they're from my
elderly female neighbor.

I'm housesitting her cat.

Um, she likes me
to drink with her cat.

And eat delicious chocolates.

The cat doesn't eat them.

He just plays with the wrappers.

- They are fun.

Crinkle, crinkle, crinkle.

- You know, I'm gonna
call Pete's friends

and find out who this woman is.

What do you wanna bet
he took her to the firehouse?

- One million dollars!

- What the hell is
wrong with him?

Vicki is gonna find out
and she is gonna kill me.

- Oh, you're just
being paranoid.

She's not gonna find out.

- Hey, Maya, I hear
you and Pete did the ol'

down at the firehouse.

- You told Elliot?

- I may have let it
slip just a little bit,

but to Elliot, that's it.

- Hey, Maya, don't
feel bad about Pete.

The heart wants what it wants.

- This is your
idea of friendship.

You tell the entire office?

- I only told people who
would be incredibly discrete

and who had the
utmost respect for you.

- Hey, Maya, heard
you had a three-way

with Toastman
and Pete, ha ha ha.

Way to go, Superfreak.

- Hey, Kev.

This Barry Toastman's office?

- Mr. Toastman's in a meeting.

- Oh, yeah, what
kind of meeting?

- He's not to be disturbed.

- Finch put you up to this?

- Ohh, Mr. Toastman's
in a meeting.

No! Meeting!

- Ha, ha, ha, I knew it.

Oh, so nice to meet
you, Mr. Toastman.

Why, you're a lot
thinner than I expected.

- Ah, he's sick, you know.

- There better be a
damn good reason

for pulling me out
of that meeting.

- Jack, I'm just
here to facilitate

your get-together with
Mr. Barry Toastman.

- Hey, whoa, hey.

What's going on, guys?

- Well, we just gonna
go inside and say hello

to your friend,
Mr. Barry Toastman.

- Why do you hate Barry so much?

What, are you
some kind of racist?

- Racist?

I've never even seen the guy.

- Yeah, and you wanna
keep it that way, don't ya?

'Cause you only like
people that are just like you.

- We're here, we're
wasting time, let's go in.

- Yeah, outta the way, Finch.

Outta the way.
- Wha?

Oh, look, little Barry Junior
made a pillbox for daddy,

out of macaroni, how sweet.

- Jack, this used to be
a storage closet, I swear.

- You swear?

Is this how you get
your kicks, Elliot?

Hounding a decent,
hard-working family man?

- Who's also a Veteran.

- What did you ever fight for,

except for the right to get
freaky with your bitches?


- I'll call the cable company.

- Pete, what are you doing here?

- Maya, I had to see you.

- What were you thinking,
breaking up with Vicki?

What did you tell her?

- I just let my
heart do the talkin',

Buh-Bye, Buh-Bye, Buh-Bye.

- Well, I think you're being
crazy and irresponsible.

What does your
heart say to that?

- My heart doesn't talk,
that's just a thing I do.

- Pete, you've
gotta get out of here.

If she finds us together,
she's gonna kill us.

- Maya, I don't care.

It's like what the
mail guy told me,

"The heart wants what it wants."

Hey, Maya?

- You can't come in.

- Oh, oh! What's goin' on?

- I've got my
neighbor's cat in here.

- So? I love cats.

We're naked.


- Listen, I've
worked in this office

for six-and-a-half years.

If I want to be naked
with a cat in my office,

I think I've earned that right.


- Oh, my God.
- What?

- That voice, Vicki's voice.

It stirred something
deep within me.

- You're joking, right?

- No, I, I gotta go back to her.

- Yeah, a minute ago you
wanted to go back to me.

- You know, I got
too much love in me.

If I could be with the
both of you, I would.

I can't, can I?

- Eh, no.

- Then Vicki it is.

- OK, I'm gonna put a
stop to this right now.

She's gonna find out everything.

- What? No.

Maya, don't.

- Vicki?
- Mm-hmm.

- Listen, Pete is no good.

He's gonna come
crawlin' back to you,

but you have got to run
in the opposite direction

and I know this, because,

this is very hard for me to say,

I slept with him.

That's right, Vicki.

I slept with him.

I'm sorry, but I slept with him.


- Hey, Maya, Vicki here.

It would really help
the healing process

if you could describe
the sex act in great detail.

- Jack, I'm blowin' the lid
off this Toastman scam.

I traced the Social
Security Number.

It belongs to a dead person.

Admit it, Finch.

Barry Toastman does not exist!

- Dennis, is this true?

- Yeah, it's true.

Barry Toastman does
not exist any more.

He died at 2:15 today.

Of complete cupular failure.

- Oh, really?

Then I suppose it's OK if we
go to the memorial service?

- Oh, it'd be great, except
he got buried out at sea,

because he loved the tuna.

- Jack, Jack, you can't
possibly believe this.

- Elliot, Elliot.

If Barry taught us anything,

it's the time we have
together is precious.

We've got to learn to
cherish one another.

Now get out of my sight.

You know what sickens me?

- What's that?

- The guy's not gone a day

and someone had the
nerve to park in his space.

- Say no more,
I'll take care of it.

- Already done.

I had the car impounded

but not before I
bashed in a few windows

with a baseball bat.

You know, for Toastman.

- Vicki, I'd like to talk,

- All right, it's none
of my business,

but don't you think you're being

sort of an incredible bitch?

- Excuse me?

She slept with my husband.

- She saved you.

She saved you from that
waffling hose monster.

- And I'm supposed
to thank her for that?

- Yes, yes you are.

You know, Pete may be a jerk,

but he's a passionate,
gorgeous muscular jerk,

and Maya never
gets men like that.

Maya only gets men like, like,

well, like that.

You know what?

Just come with me, come on.

OK, you two, talk it out.

- Leave it alone,
you've done enough.

- No, I wanna help.

Now, look, I'm in
uncharted waters here.

One man slept with two women
and neither of them was me.

But, I just, I see people
that I really care about,

who are angry and hurt

and I just wanna fix it,

but I can't, I can't...

OK, I was going for something,

but I couldn't,

but I did go for the fake cry,

so I think you two
could meet me halfway.

- I am really sorry.

- Oh, come on.

Life's too short to fight
over a civil servant.

- I know you didn't
mean to hurt me

and sure we'll be OK.

- I hope so, because I
really wanna be your friend.

- This makes me so happy.

I, no screw it.

♪ Life keeps bringin'
me back to you

♪ Keeps bringin' me home

♪ It don't matter
what I want to do

♪ 'Cause it's
gotta mind of its own

♪ Life keeps bringin'
me back to you. ♪