Just Shoot Me! (1997–2003): Season 7, Episode 10 - Pictures of Lily - full transcript

- You're late.

Where have you been?

- Oh yeah.

The subway was delayed.

I guess there was
a fire on the track.


- What was that?

- That is a handheld
lie detector.

It analyzes the stress
levels in your speech.

Now again, where
were you this morning?

- I was giving blood.


- My cat was sick.


- All right, I was
at FAO Schwartz

having a light saber fight
with some punk 10 year old.

I totally kicked her ass.


- Hey Simon's coming later
and I need to ask you something.

- You cannot have
sex in my office.

I don't know what you
people did last time,

but there was a butt print
in my table top zen garden.

- It's not that.

Last night, out of nowhere,

Simon mentioned
moving in together.

- God, that is huge.

What did you say?

- Well, I didn't
know what to say.

Luckily, all the
partying has eroded

his short term memory
so I shut the door,

opened it again and he
thought I'd just arrived.

- I thought he was
the love of you life.

- Oh, he is, he's amazing,

but I'm like a wild tiger,
free and independent.

It takes a huge dosage of
tranquilizers to affect me.

The thing is that everything's
been moving so fast

with Simon I don't
know what I want.

- You're going to have
to decide something.

You can't dodge it forever.

- I know, I know.

It's just that, you know,

if I could have
some time to myself,

I could figure it out,

but the problem is we
spend every moment together.

- Well, let him hang
out with his friends

for a couple of nights.

- Maya, he's a rock star.

All his friends
are either on tour,

in rehab or dead,
except for Kenny Loggins

and I'm not about
to encourage that.

- Hi.

- Simon, you're early.

- I missed you.

Listen, why don't we
fly up to Maine for dinner.

They've got this place there

that serves authentic
New York pizza.

- Well, thank you, Jenna.

Ha ha.

I meet with all the new models

to make sure they
understand their contracts.


- Sorry Jack, I must've
left this on by accident.


- Fine, I enjoy the vibration.

- You have one
of these, too, huh?

- Oh look, they
both love gadgets.

Maybe they should
spend some time together.

- You know what?

I bet you both have some
other things in common, too.

Like you've both
been blackmailed

with bogus sexual
harassment suits.

I am so sorry about that, Jack.

- Hey Simon, are
you a Giants fan?

- Oh, yeah, yeah.

I love American football.

- Why don't you come with
me to the game tonight?

- Oh, that'd be great.

Oh wait, I can't.

I'm taking Nina to
Maine for dinner.

- Oh, no, no, no, you
go with Jack, really.

You know, I'm not
really welcome in Maine

since I plowed
into Stephen King.

- Look, you'll get
your damn rent.

Just give me a couple of days.

- Um, Vicki, if you're
a little short this month

I could help you out.

- Oh that's sweet,

but I wouldn't feel right
taking money from you.

- Gosh, I really feel bad.

She can't pay her rent.

- Yeah, New York
is a tough town.

- You know, if she
doesn't feel comfortable

taking money from me,

maybe I could get
payroll to cut her a check,

tell her it's a bonus, they
can take it out of my salary.

- Wow, that is a
beautiful gesture

from a very kind person.

- You wanna chip in?

- Don't push it.

Not everyone's daddy's
a millionaire, princess.

Hey, did a Lily
Barton call for me?

- Uh, let me,

you know, there was a centerfold

in one of my dad's old girly
magazines named Lily Barton.

Mm hmm, that's her.

- What, are you kidding me?

Dude, she's hot.

She had this one pose

where she was a stewardess
serving champagne.

- No.

That was something.

- Yeah, yeah, see.

Listen, you gotta
introduce me, pal.

- No, no, her gallery has
the edgiest stuff in town

and she's thinking
about showing my photos.

Now if you start
creeping around,

you're gonna blow this for me.

- I'm not gonna creep around.

I'm her biggest fan.

Her turn ons are gabbing
and flamenco dance.

Her turn offs are rude
people and nukes.

- You are going
nowhere near her.

- Please, it's not like
I'm some obsessed fan.

I just happen to admire a woman

who's born in Biloxi,
Mississippi to a preacher father

who once bowled a perfect game.

Don't you walk out on me

like her pill popping
ex-husband, Todd.

- Hello all.

- Oh, you're in a good mood.

- Since your father's been
hanging out with Simon,

I'm refreshed.

Last night I took
a long bubble bath,

drank until I passed out

and awoke coughing
water out of my lungs.

It's nice to have some me time.

- Okay, let's get started.

- What's with the guitar?

- Oh, my buddy, Simon,
is teaching me to play.

Okay, first item.

Vicki, I looked over
your advertising report.

- An upbeat chord because
he's happy with your work.

- Oh, thank you, Jack.

- Dad, the guitar is obnoxious.

Put it away.

- That's a bitter chord
for a sour attitude.

- All right, Elliot,

what've you got for
your shoot tomorrow?

- It's leopard print boots.

I figured I'd put them in cages

and shoot them
like they're animals.

Or I could just slap them
on half naked models

like I always do.

- Jack, please.

The guitar thing
is a real snore.

- Well, according to Simon,

if anyone knows about snoring,

it would be you.

- Simon's been telling
you things about me.

I don't like that one bit.

- He says she's louder
than a gig at Wimbley.

- And easier to get into.

- Hey, Vicki, how's it going?

- Amazing.

Guess who just got a bonus?

- That's great.

I bet it'll really help out.

- It already has.

Check out my new
lamb suede boots.

- You bought boots?

I thought you
had all those bills.

- Oh, but this is bonus
money, fun money.

I wanna splurge.

Hey Nina, you wanna go to lunch?

Champagne's on me.

- Vicki dear, at this point,

champagne just sobers me up.

Let's go eat some martinis.

- Dude, Lily's here.

She's hot as ever, man.

Check her out.

- Dude, do not blow this for me.

Hey, Miss Barton.

Come on, I'll show
you into the studio

and show you my work.

- Hey, hey, bubba, wait, wait.

Why so fast?

Maybe she'd like
a cup of coffee.

Perhaps maybe a
Sanka with two sugars

and a little sploosh of cream.

- I used to love Sanka.

- Oh really?

What a coincidence.

Dennis Finch, hi.

- Well, thank you, Dennis Finch.

This is a nice treat.

- Yes it is.

We can have it in the studio.

- You know what?

You're lucky you caught me.

I usually run out at
lunch and protest nukes.

Oh, I'm tired.

Sorry, excuse me.

It's flamenco dancing all night.

Oh, I'm gabbing away.

It's things I love to do
though, flamenco dancing

and gabbing away, but not nukes.

I don't like nukes.

- Oh I get it.

You memorized a magazine
I was in 30 years ago.

So now what?

I'm supposed to
rip off my clothes

and jump into bed with you?

- That'd be great.

- Let me guess, you live alone.

You love sci-fi.

You've had the same condom
in your wallet since 1978.

- See, I know you, you know me.

- Hey, how's it
going with Simon?

- Well, to be honest,

he's been spending
so much time with Jack

I've barely seen him.

So I'm going to go
over there right now

and show him this.

- Oh my god, you're naked.

- Actually, I'm wearing a
fine layer of cooking oil.

Actually, it's Pam.

Simon's got high cholesterol.

- I have to tell you, Elliot,

I find your photographs
disgusting and deeply disturbing.

- But you're going to use them?

- Oh yeah, there's a
real market for this crap.

- I can't tell you how much
this validation means to me.

- Call me later at the gallery.

- All right.

- Miss Barton, wait, wait.

I have to apologize for
being so forward before.

During my coffee
break I took the liberty

of glazing you a small pot.

- That's very sweet

and you're very persistent.

- You wanna see
me make a muscle?

- I don't think so.

- Lily.

- Oh Bob, there you are.

This is Dennis.

Hold this, I'll get my purse.

- You glazing pots for my girl?

- Maybe, I don't
see no ring, grandpa.

- Don't let my age fool you.

I have the heart
of a 30 year old.

- All right, whatever.

- No, really.

Some yuppie skied
himself into a tree

and I got his ticker.

Sorry, but Lily belongs
with a real man.

- I don't think so.

I think she belongs with me.

- Simon, open up.

I've got a little
surprise for you.

- Holy biscuits.

- Hey!

I thought you were
gonna be alone tonight.

- No, Jack jumped in.

Stick around.

We ordered pizza and if
the delivery guy's not here

in four minutes, it's free.

- We can't lose.

I gave the door man a
hundred bucks to stall him.

- I love this guy.

And today, we set
up a shell corporation

to limit my tax liability
and then we had ice cream.

- Uh huh.

You know, Simon, I
know that I told you

I wanted you to
hang out with Jack.

- It was a great idea.

You see, all my other
girlfriends have been

possessive and needy
and there's nothing

turns me off more
than a needy woman.

- Well, that certainly isn't me.

You know, in fact, I'm thrilled

that I came over here naked

and you'd rather play guitar
with a middle aged man.

- Oh great.

Here, let's jam.

Two, three, four.

♪ Wild thing

♪ You make my heart sing

♪ You make everything
gravy - Groovy.

♪ Groovy ♪ Wild thing

- Two, three, four ♪ Wild thing

♪ You make my heart sing

- Maya, I think your
father has fallen in love

with my boyfriend.

- What are you talking about?

- As we speak,
they're in the park

playing something
called handball.

That can't be good.

- Well, you wanted
some time alone.

- Well, I know, but now I feel
like Simon's pushing me away.

- Okay, a couple of nights ago

he mentioned moving in together

and you didn't even respond.

Maybe his feelings were hurt

and he decided
to back off a little.

- Oh my god, I
never thought of that.

You know, you're pretty good

with this relationship stuff.

I can't figure out why
you're not with a great guy.

- Well, in the words
of William Butler Yeats,

"A pity beyond all telling
is hid in the heart of love."

- That's why.

- Hey everybody, I got a monkey.

- What are you doing?

- Well, you know how
when you were a kid

you always dreamed
you had enough money

so you could just rent a monkey?

- No, who cares about a monkey?

- It's a monkey.

- This is out of control.

Stop wasting my money.

- Your money?

- You didn't get a bonus.

I gave you that money for rent.

- Oh.

So then I guess
this is your monkey.

- Hey, when did you
and Elliot have a kid?

Listen, I wanna talk to you.

Did Lily talk about me?

Did she mention me at all?

- Let it go.

You fell in love with a
picture in a magazine.

You don't even know her.

- Look, she's not just a
picture to me, all right.

She's the basis of every
woman I've ever seen since.

Haven't you ever had a
woman like that in your life?

- Linda Carter.

Wonder Woman.

With her bracelets and
bustier and lasso of truth.

I actually spray
painted a jump rope gold

one summer and
carried it around.

Golly, it was great.

- So you see how I feel.

- I do.

Look, I happen to
know that Lily's gonna be

at her gallery at 6:30.

So go for it, buddy.

- All right.

Hey, you know what?

One day you might get
a shot at Linda Carter.

And if you do, don't tell
her about the jump rope.

Seriously, between
that and your crazy eyes

and those pie plate
nipples of yours,

you're a tough
drink to order, pal.

Lily, what a surprise.

- Dennis, what are
you doing here?

- I certainly didn't follow you.

- Come on, I saw you
running after the cab

all the way from the gallery.

- What are you doing looking
out of the back of the cab

at a man when you've
got a beautiful lady here?


- Excuse me, junior, but
in my time a gentleman

did not show up uninvited.

- Somebody woke up on the
wrong side of the Craftmatic.

- Don't push me.

I fought in Korea.

- Come on, guys.

Why don't we just relax
and have a cocktail.

- No, I earned the
Purple Heart and for what,

to take lip from
a punk like you?

- Bob, give the
war thing a rest.

You were injured falling
off a donkey onto your comb.

- Yes, and I bet the comb
had all its original teeth.

- That's it.

I'm inviting you outside.

It is time for fisticuffs.

- This'll just take a second.

I'll turn on my cell phone
and screw up his pacemaker.

- Hello, love.

This time, I've got
something for you.

- Please tell me
Jack isn't here.

- No, he's playing
squash with Larry today.

- Look, the other night,

you mentioned something
about us living together

and I just kind of ignored it,

but I've given it some thought

and I think maybe it's time.

- Well, I'm not sure moving in

is the best thing
for us right now.

- If this is about
giving me space,

it's okay, don't worry about it.

I mean, yeah, I admit
I was freaked out

about losing my independence,

but you know something?

I am completely
ready to be with you.

- Well, Jack doesn't
think it's a good idea.

- What?

- Well, he's a smart man

and I've really
grown to trust him.

- You know what?

That's it, that's it.

I can't take this anymore.

- Nina, what about us?

What about this?

Hello, Mrs. Jacobson.

Who thought we'd find ourselves

in this awkward
situation yet again?

- Ah, that old coot caught me
off guard with a sucker punch.

Sure, he rolled up his sleeve

and did the old
windmill windup first,

but the punch itself
came out of nowhere.

- I think I have something
that'll fix you right up.

- Oh, oh, here's the
thing about Bactine,

it stings a lot and I'd rather
not cry twice in one night.

- You know, there is
just something about you.

You remind of a
movie star from the '60s.

- Who, Steve McQueen?

- Mia Farrow.

I'll be right back.

- Hello?

- Hey, it's Finch.

I'm in Lily's apartment.

I think it's gonna happen.

That's amazing.

- Yeah, but I'm
kinda freaked out.


- 'Cause she's been so
special to me for so long,

what if it doesn't live
up to my expectations?

Then I won't even
have the fantasy.

- Oh, you're right.

Maybe you should walk away, man.

That way it'll
just stay perfect.

- You're right, you're right.

- You know what?

I gotta go.

I'm feeling feverish.

I got bit by Maya's monkey.

- Hey Lily, there's
something I need to tell you.

Right after we land.

- Vicki, I'm really sorry.

I just wanted to help,

but I handled that very badly.

- No, I have a
problem with money.

I never had any as a kid

so when I get some I go wild.

- That's funny because
I've always had money

and never been able to enjoy it.

- Oh my god, that's crazy.

Look, you only go around once.

If there was anything
you could do, right now,

what would it be?

- Oh, well that's easy.

I'd go back in time

and drink mead with
Geoffrey Chaucer, duh.

- How about a trip
to Vegas right now.

- No, I couldn't do that.

- Why, oh come on, you said
that you never enjoy your money.

It could be fun.

- Well, you're right.

Maybe in the spring...
- No, right now.

We're gonna fly first class

and we're gonna
stay in a top hotel.

- Okay.

And eat stuff from the mini bar

and not replace it
before they check.

- Yes, I'll bet you
they'll have a Jacuzzi.

- And really hot
room service guys

who will bring us pancakes,

but turn out to be strippers

and then we'll pour syrup
on them for a change.

- Vegas.

- Vegas!

- Yeah!

Nina, we're going to Vegas

to eat pancakes
off of strippers.

- Get Kurt and Tony.

You'll thank me later.

How dare you tell Simon
we shouldn't move in together.

You call him right now
and tell him you were wrong.

- No and don't put
me in the middle.

It's very dodgy being
chums with a bird

that my mate is rogering.


Simon, great, Nina's here.

You two can clear this up.

- No, no, I don't
wanna talk to him.

- Simon, Nina's really pissed.

No, not pissed as in drunk,

pissed as in mad.

Well, maybe both.

He says he never
meant to hurt you.

- Hm, and yet he did.

- And yet you did.

He says you two
have a lovely future.

- Yeah, well then why didn't
you want to live with me?

- Why didn't you
want to live with me?

I agree with Jack.

There's no reason to rush things

when you plan on being
with someone forever.

- Forever, do you mean that?

- Of course.

Nina, I love you.

When I hold you in my arms,

it's like living in a dream I
never wanna wake up from.

- Simon.

- She just kissed me.

He wants me to
fondle your breasts.

Maybe you better just
talk to him in person.

- I think that's a good idea.

- Tell Simon that kiss
didn't affect me at all.


- He's right.

The vibration does feel good.

♪ Life keeps
bringing me back to you

♪ Keeps bringing me home

♪ It don't matter
what I wanna do

♪ 'Cause it's got
a mind of its own

♪ Life keeps
bringing me back to you