Just Shoot Me! (1997–2003): Season 7, Episode 8 - It's Raining Babies - full transcript

- Dennis, I'm afraid I'm
going to have to cancel dinner.

- Oh great, for
the last three days

I've been glazing
a ham for nothing?

- I'm sorry, but an
old friend is in town

and I want to make
time to see him.

- Oh yeah, who that?

- Nobody you know.

- So it's somebody famous.

- No no, it's an
old drinking buddy.

- So it's a movie director.

- Trust me, Dennis,
you're not even warm.

- Warm, warm.

Warm water, water
bed, bed of rock,

rock stars, Star Wars.

Oh my god, it's Star Wars.

It's George Lucas.

- God, I hate when you do that.

- Oh come on, you know
George Lucas is my idol.

So far this year I've written
eight Star Wars scripts,

four Indiana Jones',
and a sequel to Willow.

Give me a dwarf and a
sword and it writes itself.

- Forget it, Dennis.

You're not meeting him.

- Why, you think I'm
going to embarrass you

in front of your famous buddy?

- Exactly, remember
what happened when I

introduced to you
to Governor Pataki?

- Oh, the guy's name is Pataki.

I thought he'd be a
little Japanese guy.

- Jack.

By any chance, have you
seen this month's issue

of Modern Photographer?

Check it out.

- I don't care if he
is the leader of Iraq.

Selleck is the only one who
can pull of that mustache.

- The picture at the bottom.

- The editor's choice
is a stunningly original

composition from the veteran
lens man, Elliot DiMauro.

- How do you like that, Jack?

That's the picture
you turned down.

You said it was too
artsy, too out there.

- Okay, maybe I was too
hasty, but I'm a big man.

I can admit I was... - Fat.

- No.

- Thirsty.

No, I'm not really listening.

What's going on?

- I can admit I was wrong.

- Yes you were, Jack.

And not just about the picture.

You were wrong about me.

You have an artist
here and you don't see it.

See, I'm more than just
high heels and halter tops.

- But you look great in both.

- Okay Dennis, out.

I got to take a little nap.

- A little nap, nap time,
time out, outhouse,

house cat, cat nap.

You're going to take a nap.

Oh, you just said that.

- Ah, Vicki.

I've been thinking, I
want you to take over

the ski wear layout.

- That's great, Jack, thank you.

- Wait, wait, wait a second.

The ski wear layout is
my responsibility, Jack.

- Yeah well, Vicki's
been looking to expand

her role here at the magazine.

- Ah, I see.

Well perhaps I would like
to expand my role as well.

- Well maybe you could
start by doing the work

I actually assigned you.

- And what are the
perks of this new position?

- Tell you what.

You want to do the layout,
you want to do the layout.

Why don't you do it together?

- Oh, I'm not so sure
that's such a good idea.

- Jack, Jack, Vicki
and I, not a good match.

We have no chemistry.

Heads up.

See, nothing.

- Well, maybe this would
be a good opportunity

for you to develop
some chemistry.

The two of you
have until Friday.

- Friday?

Now we're working weekends?

- Thank you.


Oh Jack, sorry for
all the commotion.

Between you and
me, it's a little much.

I mean, does anybody
tell the sun how great it is

for shining every day?

- Did you just compare
yourself to the source of

all life on this planet?

- It's a heck of a picture.

But in all fairness,
some people can see it.

Some people can't.

- You know what, Elliot?

You're right.

I have been holding you back.

I'm devoting a page
in this month's issue

to an Elliot DiMauro photograph.

Whatever you want to do,
whatever you want to say.

You're limited only
by your imagination.

- Well, it's about
time you saw the light.

Thank you, Jack.

This is incredible,
but you're in luck

because I'm incredible, too.

- Oh, hey.

I love that.

- That was so big of you.

Here, Elliot is being
incredibly arrogant,

and you just rise above it to
be supportive and generous.

You are a great man.

- I'm going to
crush him like a bug.

- Wait, what?

- I know Elliot.

He needs limits.

With complete artistic
freedom, he'll fall apart,

come crawling back,
and order will be restored.

- That's terrible.

- I can't have somebody
walking around here

who thinks he's
better than everybody.

That's my job.

- But Dad, you just
can't manipulate people.

I mean, what do
you think you are?

Some sort of puppet master?

- Well, I was going
to say savvy manager,

but puppet master's cute.

- We're not puppets,
we're people with free will.

- No, you're not.

Dennis, come in here.

Want to see Dennis dance?

- Yeah.

- Over here.

You know, I had 12
Cubans in this box,

and now there are only 11.

Do you know anything about that?

- Hey, check out these
new dance moves.

Got to go.

- All right, since Jack
insists that we work together,

we may as well
make the best of it.

Now surely, we can find
something in each other

that we admire.

- Okay, well I'll go first.

I've always admired
your independence

and your style and
your sense of fashion.

- Well, thank you.

Okay, now let's get to work.

- Wait a second.

I give you all these
nice compliments

and you leave me hanging?

- Fine.

You are

ram tough.

- You know what,
I'm sick of your crap.

You're a pain in the ass.

- Ah, there's that
four by four Twin Cam

attitude we have grown to love.

Hey, Finch...

- There's a cat
fight brewing here.

So unless you're here
to take my drink order,

shut your yap.

- You're pathetic.

Standing here reveling
in the misery of others,

but the truth is, you're
masking the emptiness

and disappointment of
your own lonely existence.

- Yeah yeah, sure,
that's a piece of it.

But there's also an
intangible pleasure,

like you might find
in the laugh of a child.

Or the shine of the sun.

Or two hobos fighting
over a dirty nickel.

- That's it, I need a break.

- What this volatile
cocktail needs is a

half a dash of Finch.

Hey Nina, what's going on?

- I don't know, I get
around that woman

and there is
nothing but tension.

I mean, what is her
problem with me?

- Well, let's look at the facts.

She's divorced,
she's 30, she's pretty,

and she's from Brooklyn.

Obviously, she's a lesbian.

- What?

- Well, I happen to
have it on good authority

that she swings that way.

I've seen the way she
stares at you around the office

when you're not looking.

It's like this.

- Finch, a woman is not
a lesbian just because

she stares at another
woman or brushes against her

or French kisses KD
Lang at a fundraiser

for children's literacy.

- All I'm saying is,
the tension you feel

is what doctors call sexual.

- Okay, you are
out of your mind.

- Now, onto part two.


What the hell's wrong with you?

Nina's not some dog
for you to kick around.

- What are you talking about?

She's been attacking me all day.

- You don't know
her the way I do.

Beneath that tough
exterior lies a fragile,

insecure woman with a
rickety liver held together

by tape and gum.

- What are you saying?

- Think about it.

You come in here,
you're new, you're fresh.

You're all zippety-do-da
with your new ideas.

And she doesn't
want to admit it,

but she's threatened by you.

- Really?

She's threatened by me?

- Yeah, she's in her
office crying right now.

- Oh my god.

What can I do?

- Well, next time
you work with her,

why don't you try to make
her feel special for once?

You know, tell her how
beautiful and sexy she is

or invite her over to your
house for a drink, maybe.

I don't know.

Sometimes she gets tense.

Give her a back rub.

- Okay, I'll give it a shot.

- I just talked to her.

Even gayer than I thought.

- Hey, there's my shutterbug.

So, this is what
brilliance looks like.

- Jack, you are a big,
big man for bankrolling

this whole thing.

- Don't worry about the money.

Don't worry about
anything but exploring

the endless possibilities of
what this picture could be.

- Dad, let's let
Elliot do his work.

- Absolutely, go
get them, champ.

Go crazy.

You're still doing that, huh?


- Dad, what are you doing here?

- Here's the thing about
being a puppet master.

Occasionally, you got
to check on the puppets.

- Well, I hate to break
this to you, but Elliot's fine.

He's going to take
all this freedom

that you've given him and
create something wonderful,

because he has a vision.

- Hey Elliot, what
you got there?

- Big bag of babies.

Okay, here's my vision.

A model eats lunch as a
shower of plastic babies

comes raining down
on her, symbolizing the

American woman's
struggle to maintain

her place in the workforce
amidst, you know,

a shower of raining babies.

- Fantastic.

The guy is halfway
to Cuckooville.

- Elliot.

You're going to do great.

- I know.

Okay, let's shoot this, people.

All right, Justina.

Remember, you love
calamari and you're barren.


Cue baby.

Okay, I missed it.

- What's wrong?

- I don't know, all of a
sudden it didn't look right.

- I thought it
looked pretty good.

- Pretty good, it
can't be pretty good.

It's got to be great.

I mean, is calamari
the best thing?

I mean, what if she
were eating scallops

or tuna or lobster?

Oh my god, what if
it's not even seafood?

What are you looking at?

- Elliot, calm down.

- Okay.

New vision.

We're going to the roof.

Guys, I'm going to need
1,000 pounds of ground chuck,

a chicken, and an inner tube.

Let's go.

Hey Jack, it's George Lucas

on your private line.

- Great, put him through.

Okay, go ahead, George.

Jack, it's George Lucas,
how's things going?

- Oh yeah?

- Yeah it's me, calling you.

Can't wait for dinner tonight.

Looking forward to some lobster.

Hey, listen.

If you have any Stars
Wars scripts laying around,

like anybody you
know who wrote them,

why don't you go
ahead and bring them?

We'll put them on
the chair next to us,

it won't be a,

give me one second.

All right, so that's all good.

I'll see you tonight.

What's up?

- Come on.

Jack wants this layout tomorrow,

and the less time I have to
spend with you, the better.

- You know, I've never
said this to you but

you are a great looking woman.

- What?

- Oh yeah, you're in
such amazing shape.

I would kill to have your body.

- Maybe we should
just get to work.

- You know, maybe
that's the problem with us.

It's always about work.

I mean, maybe we
should go out sometime.

- And what exactly
does that mean?

- I don't know.

We could go get a couple
of drinks, you know?

Get loose, maybe
have some girl fun.

- You know, I'm not
really all that big on girl fun.

- Hey, Dennis, I shanked
one under the sofa.

- So?

- Now.

- You sure you don't
want to go out sometime?

- All right, just
stop it right now.

- What's the matter?

- Well, this is not
going to happen.

I mean sure, if you got me
drunk at the Christmas party,

well then, anything is possible.

- What are you talking about?

- I know that you're gay.

Finch told me.

- What?

Nina, I am not gay.

- Well then why are you
being so friendly to me?

- Because Finch
told me I had to be

extra nice to you.

That son of a bitch.

He set us up.

- That little weasel.

Well, he is not going
to get away with it.

- What do we do?

- Work with me.

- All right, what's
going on here?

- Nothing.

- Nothing, I saw you
two kiss last night.

- Yeah well, when you
pulled that trick on us,

we got to talking and...

- And one thing
led to another and...

- You can fill in the blanks.

- Oh Vicki, isn't it
amazing that yesterday

we were bitter
enemies, and today,

all we can think about
is having loads and loads

of gay sex?

- Oh yeah.

The gayer, the better.

- Yeah, I don't
think I'm buying it.

- Oh really, you
don't believe us?

Why don't you just
show up here tonight

at eight o'clock and
we'll prove it to you?

- Yeah, and if
you're really good,

we'll get you out
of those clothes and

let you join our
little party, hmm?

- Little party,
party hat, hat trick,

trick Finch, trick
Finch, I'm Finch.

Oh my god, they're
going to trick me.

- Hey Finch, what's going on?

- Oh, those two.

Trying to pull a scam on me.

They want me to come
by the office tonight

so they can lower the boom.

Oh, the boom will be
lowered, but not on me.

That's for sure.

Think, what's the worst
thing I can do to a woman?

- Tell her you like
her and then after

you take her
virginity, dump her and

go to the prom
with Susan Wilson.

- I like that, but
it'll take too long.

All I want to do is freak
them out, you know?

- Well, I happen to know
that Nina's terrified of snakes.

- She is?

Snakes, that's not bad.

- I've been waiting for years
to be in on a prank with you.

This is going to be great.

You and me, Finch and Maya.

- Yeah, you gave me snakes.

Now beat it, sister.

- So, Elliot failed.

You happy now?

- I'm not happy Elliot failed.

That's a very
difficult thing to watch.

I'm happy because
I made him fail.

- Yeah but Elliot
was just being angry.

What you did is despicable.

- All I did was restore
the natural order.

The important thing is,
Elliot is back to being Elliot.

Come in.

Sorry about your big shoot.

So, I guess it's back to basics.

High heels and halter tops.

How'd that Fendi shoot go?

- You want to know how it went?

I couldn't take one
picture, I was paralyzed.

I was just in the studio
trying to shoot the handbag.

Strap up, strap down, I
didn't know what the hell to do.

I started screaming at it.

Why won't you work with me?

I slapped it.

- Elliot, just go back to the
studio and do what you do.


Clickety click.

- I can't.

I'm done.

It's over.

- You want to see
Dennis dance again?


- Elliot's in there.

- How you doing, kiddo?

- Terrible.

I'm a complete failure.

- You're not a failure.

The truth is, with the
absolute best of intentions,

I may have accidentally
demolished your ego.

Come on.

Give me a smile.

I know what'll cheer you up.

A root beer barrel.

- I don't want a
root beer barrel.

- Listen.

You got a little
cocky, I got upset,

and I tried to manipulate
you, and I should

not have done that.

Not with a person
that I value as much

as I value you.

- You don't value me.

- I do, you're a
brilliant photographer.

- Please, you say that
but you don't mean it.

You don't think I'm an artist.

You take me for granted.

I haven't had a
raise in five years.

- I'm not giving you a raise.

- I don't care about the raise.

I want your respect
and your time.

Maybe a weekly lunch
where we talk about my art

and my contribution
to the magazine.

- How does 10% sound?

Okay, if all you want
to give me is money.

- All right, I'll make
time for lunch.

- Really?

- You got my word.

Thanks, Jack.

- How did it go in there?


- Did he offer you
a root beer barrel?

- Yep.

- Did you take it?

- Nope.

- Hmm.

So, who's the puppet master now?

- Okay, everything's set.

When Nina sees the snakes,
and freaks out like she will,

you take as many pictures
as you can, all right?

- This is so great.

Finch and Maya.

Team pranksters.

The Merry Pranksters.

Prank Sinatra.

- Maya, listen.

I'm standing here with
a bucket of snakes,

waiting for two
coworkers who are

pretending to be
lesbians, all right?

Please try to
take this seriously.

Finch here.

Hey, Vicki.

Oh, I'm ready for you.

They're on their way up.

It's showtime.

- Oh my god, they're disgusting.

I'm going to go get my camera.

- Yeah.

- So, this Dennis
Finch is a big fan.

- Oh yeah, he's a good kid.

Meeting you is
going to make his day.

- Happy to do it.

- Listen, George, I've always
been meaning to ask you.

That Indiana Jones.

He's based on me, right?

- What?

- You know, the
rugged good looks,

the world traveler, the hat.

I have a hat just like that.

- You got me.

- I knew it, I knew it.

- I think I broke my nose.

George Lucas broke my nose.

- Dennis, what's going on?

Didn't Nina give you
the message that I was

bringing George up to meet you?

- No, I was supposed
to meet Nina and Vicki.

Oh my god.

- Score one for the women.

- Yeah, girls rock.

Who needs men?

- Simmer down, fruitcake.

The jury's still out on you.

- You going to be all right?

- He's going to be fine.

Never again, Dennis.

Never again.

- Wait a second, you guys.

George, I got a great
Star Wars script idea.

Where Chewy and
Boba Fett string together

a ragtag baseball
team of Jedi misfits.

- That's good.

It is?

Oh my god.

He likes it.

♪ Life keeps
bringing me back to you

♪ Keeps bringing me home

♪ It don't matter
what I want to do

♪ It's got a mind of its own

♪ Life keeps
bringing me back to you