Just Shoot Me! (1997–2003): Season 7, Episode 16 - Donnie Redeemed - full transcript

- Dennis, get in
here immediately!

I need to you take
an urgent letter.

- Yes, urgent, got
a pen, here we go.

- Dear Burrito Castle.

I find your tacos moist,
your burritos heavenly,

and I enjoy Pedro, your
comical donkey mascot.

- Hey, Jack, if you got a
minute, I need you to look

at these layouts.

- However, this morning,
in your salsa bar,

I noticed what can only be
described as mouse parts.

- Hey, can I play
with this while I wait?

- Kindly tend to this
matter posthaste.

Sincerely yours.

- Rich and horny.

Oh, that's just for
the personal ads.

- Nina, put that down,
I've spent all morning

buffing my putter.

- Yeah, and cleaning that club.

I'm gonna give
myself a time out.

- This is easy.

- It is not.

All right, give me that, if
you think you're so good,

why don't you put your
money where your mouth is?

Say, 10 bucks a putt?

- You're on.

- Dammit, we're
going again, and again,

and we're gonna keep
on going until I'm satisfied.

- Sweet, and then are
you gonna play some golf?

I'll be back here.

- Hey, Elliot, your
brother's on his way up

from the lobby right now.

- I don't wanna see him.

Every time he shows
up, he tries to scam me.

I'm gonna go into Jack's office.

Will you just make up
some sort of excuse for me?

- Uh, yeah, how about
you got stomach flu,

you had to rush to
the emergency room,

that way, he can't track
you to your apartment.

- That's great, that's great.

You're a lifesaver,
buddy, thanks.

- Hey, is Elliot here?

- Yeah, he's
hiding right in here.

Hey, bro.

- What?

- Honestly, how long have
you known me, come on.

What do you want?

- I got engaged.

I want you to meet
my very special lady.

She's blonde,
she's hot, she's deaf.

She's all mine.

Camille, I want you to
meet my big brother, Elliot.

- Very nice to
meet you, Camille.

Yes, Donnie, that's great,
she seems like a lovely,

sweet person, excuse
me, I'm just gonna put this.

I know it's a scam!

You're not deaf, turn around!

- Hey, you're kind
of dissing my lady.

Okay, and would
you do me a favor

and not mention the
whole scam thing, okay?

Between you and me,
when chicks find out

you've been pretending
to be retarded for 12 years,

it's a bit of a turn
off, you know?

- So you're really
engaged, I mean, for real.

- Yeah, yeah, man, she's
totally changed my life.

I'm a new man.

- Don, I, I, wow.

- Oh, yeah, right, we're
gonna be late for this meeting.

She even gave me the
idea for my new business.

- Smiley signs.

- Yeah, stencil
inspirational slogans

on pieces of driftwood.

And large stones.

- I don't know what to say.

- Just say we can start
over, can you do that, Elliot?

For wittle Donnie?

Ha ha, all right.



Dude, my lady's watching,
wanna gay it down a notch?

- Son of a bitch!

We're going again!

- Jack, I enjoy taking your
money, but this is a work day,

and if I don't get in my
pedicure and nap, then,

I'll be a mess at happy hour.

- You're not going
anywhere until I break even.

Dennis, how much have I lost?

- What are we talkin' here,
dignity, credibility, respect?

- Money, Dennis.

- Lost a lot of that, too.

- Double or nothing.

- God, I had no idea he was
this obsessed with winning.

- Don't you remember
last year's 50-yard dash

against Hanrahan?

- Yeah, right, he was
just about to beat Jack

when that taxi accidentally
jumped the curb

and shattered his ankle.

- Yeah, accidentally.

- Ow!

- Sorry, Hanrahan.

Maybe if you
were a little faster.

Come on, Nina, we're not done.

- Jack, Jack, Jack, um.

Don't you think you're
getting a little too competitive?

- Dennis, I live
for competition.

That's why I get
up in the morning.

- Well, if it's just about
the spirit of competition,

why don't you bet something
you don't care about losing?

- Good idea.

Dennis, you're
working for Nina now.

- I'm telling you, Ma,
the inspirational slogans

just pour out of me.

- First a fiancee,
now a new business.

Donnie, I just
can't stop smiling.

- Well, keep smiling, Ma.

It increases your face value.

- Oh, I'm so proud,
I have to tinkle.

- Donnie, you've
made her so happy.

- Well, happiness is like jam.

You can spread any without
getting a little bit on yourself.

I am on fire today!

- Hey, Jack, you remember
my brother, Donnie?

He's getting married.

- Hey, congratulations.

Go by yourself a
bottle of champagne.

- Oh, thanks, but no thanks.

I'm in Alcoholics Anonymous.

- You don't drink,

you're gonna have a
tough time being married,

I'll tell you that much.

- You don't have to take.

- Hey, I didn't know you
had trouble with alcohol.

- Oh yeah, bro, it was bad.

I mean, anything that
would blot out my world

of thievery, deception,
and endless string of

inflatable lovers, yeah.

Oh, it's my distributor,
gotta take this.

- Oh, Elliot, look at Donnie.

Talking on his cellular phone.

Isn't it wonderful?

- Yeah, it's great.

- I always knew he'd be the one.

- What do you mean, the one?

- You know, the
go-getter, the star,

the big success of the family.

- Ma, for 12 years, he
pretended to be retarded!

- So, he's creative.

- Oh!

- Oh, honey, I know,
you're feeling a little left out.

Well, let me tell you,
Donnie's success

doesn't take away
from you, not one iota.

- Thanks, Ma.


- Just because
you're bald, unmarried,

and still punch a clock doesn't
make you any less of a man.

- You know, Donnie's bald, too.

- Yeah, but you don't
really have the head for it.

- Hi.

- What's wrong?

- I don't know.

Just that I've spent
years working really hard,

you know, being the good boy.

So suddenly Donnie's
the hero, just because

he doesn't have to
wear a leash to the mall?

- Well, I don't know, Elliot,
the business, the fiancee.

It seems like he's really
pulled his life together.

- No no, the more
I think about it,

the more it seems too good to
be true, he's up to something.

And you know
what, the worst part is

that he's dragging
that poor girl into it.

- Listen, why don't you give
him the benefit of the doubt?

After all, we can't
change our yesterdays,

we can only change
our tomorrows.

- That's kind of profound.

- Yeah.

It's on this filthy stick
your brother gave me.

- Hi, Camille,
Donnie's not here.


A check for 50,000
dollars to Donnie DiMauro.

Wait a minute, are you
one of his investors?

You're his only investor?

I knew it.

Oh, nothing, I'm sorry.

See, I think, I think,

I think there's something you
should know about Donnie.

I mean, I'm sure it doesn't
even apply to you at all.

But see, he has a 30-year
history of ripping people off

for large sums of money.

- Hey hey, hey.

There's my silent snowflake.

What do you mean,
I'm after your money?

I'm not after your money, I
don't care about your money.

I love you.

What, who said I'm a thieving
bastard who rips people off?


- In all fairness, I
didn't say bastard.

- No no no, no no
no, don't go, no, no.

Camille, don't go,
don't go, I've got this.

Come on, I don't care
about your money.

I'm ripping up the
check, Camille, please!

- Look Donnie, I had no idea
that you really felt that way.

I just thought that you.

Donnie, I'm sorry.


- I'm all alone.

You killed my dream.

- Donnie, wait, Donnie, no.

- Hey, man, I kinda
came in at the end, but,

is that hot deaf
chick single now?

- Jack Gallo loses, he
really loses big, doesn't he?

- Yeah, we need
to talk about that.

Listen, let's be honest,

Jack's not thinking
straight right now.

- Tough, I won
you fair and square.

- Yeah, but you don't
need me like he does.

You could reach your own feet.

Let him win, just once.

- No, no, why should
we coddle him?

- Because that's what we
do, we're born, we coddle Jack,

we die, it's the circle of life.

- No, forget it man.

I am not tripping onto
his negative vibes.

You know, power
to the people, baby.

- Are you getting high on
these nail polish fumes?

- A little, yeah.

- Maya.

I did something awful,
and I need you to tell me

that I'm not a terrible person.

- What happened?

- I found out Camille was
Donnie's only investor,

so I told her about his
past, and she left him.

- Sounds like you
did her a favor.

- No, he doesn't care about
the money, he really loves her.

- Well, it sounds like
you had good intentions.

- I didn't!

Part of me wanted to
destroy him out of spite.

- Please give me
something, do you recycle?

- No!

The bin's outside my studio,

and I still throw the
bottles in the trash.

Donnie, Donnie,
Donnie, I'm so sorry.

I know you must
hate me right now.

Please, please say
something, tell me I'm a monster.

I deserve it, just say
something, please.

Now what was that?

- Elliot, I've done a lot

of terrible things
to you in my life, so

I take this.

We're even.

I forgive you.

- You do?

- I do.

- This is beautiful.

As William Butler Yates said,

the bloods that
flows, a tie that binds,

the brothers share
both hearts and minds.

- And to think, I had
one that couldn't talk.

- This thing with
my dad and Nina

is getting out of control,
you've gotta do something.

- Already done.

He needs an easy
victory, there it is.

- Oh, the melon thing,
where he throws the card

and one sticks to the
top, he's great at that!

Were you there when
he did it last Christmas?

- Oh, I'm always there.

- Oh my god.

- That's right, he
doesn't know it,

but I rig it every time.

The old fart couldn't hit
the broad side of a barn.

- So he's living a lie?

- And you're not,
promising young novelist?

Anyway, in a few short minutes,

this nightmare will be over,

and I'll be back where I belong,

sanding Jack's craggity heels.

- Your life is totally empty.

- Really, at least he
remembered my birthday.

- You bastard.

- Hey, princess.

- Too little, too late,
I wanted a pony.

- She's taking your pictures?

Tell me you didn't lose the
one of you and Sammy Davis, Jr.

- I'm gonna miss that cat.

- Oh, all right, hold the phone.

Nina, aren't you gonna
give Jack a chance

to win his stuff back,
I mean, come on.

I'm just brainstorming
here, but,

what if we had him
throw a deck of cards at,

I don't know, this watermelon?

And get one to stick?

- Why, Dennis, that's
the stuff of fantasy.

But, I'm willing to
try anything once.

- Grace.

- Oh!

- Yes!

In your face!

- My god, how did you do...

- Hey, okay, Jack wins,
Nina loses, back to normal.

- I wanna do it again.

- What's that?

- Well, this just makes us even.

I wanna win.

- Okay, fine, that's great.

I'm just gonna need a
minute alone the melon.

- What?

- You can't throw cards
at a unprepared melon.

I mean, what are we, savages?

- No, we are not.

- Dennis, what
the hell's going on?

- Well, here's the thing, Jack.

I kind of rigged the melon.

- Are you saying I
can't pierce its flesh

with a common playing card?

- Actually, I think
this is the first time

you even hit the melon.

- So what you're saying is,

my accomplishment means nothing?

My one victory wouldn't
exist without your deception?

- Basically, yes.

- What the hell took you so
long, she's been killing me!

- Oh, you look nice!

- Yeah, I'm taking
Donnie out to dinner.

He's on his way up right now.

Maya, I'm so proud of him.

I mean, to forgive
me the way he did,

I mean, where does
he find that strength?

Donnie, what happened?

- Huh?

- What happened?

- Oh, this, oh, you know, I
was walking down by the river

and I started thinking
about losing Camille,

and I thought, you know,
jimmy, I need a swim.

Anyhoo, turns out I
don't swim so good.

- I'm not surprised, with
these stones in your pocket.

How did that...

- Donnie, stop, stop, all right.

It's my fault, let me do
something to help you.

- No, Elliot, no, I'm
focused on my work,

and you know, I've
got investors lined up,

and I'm making
good things happen.

Oh, I got a little
speck of dirt on my tie.

- I don't know what to do.

- Hey listen, Elliot,
you're too close to this.

Let me talk to him, I'll take
him out, buy him dinner.

Maybe I can get through.

- All right, Maya,
I'm just worried.

I just don't want him
to hurt himself, okay?

- I promise that I
will take care of him.

He's gonna be just fine.

- Hey, do these
come in bigger sizes?

- All right, here we
go, Jack, this is it.

For all the marbles.

- I can't.

- Wow, I didn't even
see your hand move.

- Nina, this has all been fixed.

This is a dirty melon.

- So you've been cheating?

- I have.

But I'm gonna
make this all right.

One putt, if I miss
it, you win it all.

If I make it, we're even.

- Done.

Sorry, Nina, you lose it all.

Come on, I'll buy you a drink.

- Good god, am I
ever off the clock?

- Good job!

You did great, you're the man!

- Dennis, I have to
know, did you rig this?

- How badly do you have to know?

- Not that bad.

- Have a good night, champ.

- Well, how'd it go with Donnie?

- Great, we talked, we shared,

I feel we made
real good progress.

- Really, because he
seemed to tortured.

- I'm not sure, but
when I left there,

he seemed to be in
a really good place.

- I am Superman!

- Still seems a little off.

- Scratch to win,
baby, scratch to, no!

- What happened?

- Huh, what happened,
I'll tell you what happened.

I went to my investors,
I told them to go to hell.

Nobody tells me where I can
and can't remove my pants.

- God, he's snapped.

- Shamrock, shamrock, bad card!

- Donnie, Donnie, lottery
tickets are not the answer.

- Oh yeah, check this
out, I win, baby, that's it,

the winner, whoo hoo, yeah!

- It's only two dollars.

- Yeah, it's a baby tooth, okay,

and then I take that baby tooth

and I put it under the pillow

and then the, you know
that make it all right fairy lady

comes in the middle of the night

and sprinkles the little dust,
everything starts brand new.

I'm a clean man,
I take bath time.

- Hey, this might be a bad time,

but how do you sign, I
wanna get all up in your pants?

- Would you guys give
us a moment, please?

I'm gonna give you the money
for your business, all right?

- No, Elliot, no.

- Please, Donnie, I wanna
do this, the whole 50,000.

- No, I can't.

- You can, and you will.

I mean, this whole
thing is my fault.

- No, Elliot, no.

Don't, Elliot, come on, stop.

- Hey, Paul, it's Elliot.

- Serious.

- Yeah, I want you to transfer

all that money we
discussed earlier.

- No, Paul, don't, listen...
- That's right all of it.

All of it.

- Give me the phone.

- Okay, thank you.

- Stop it, give it to me.

It's done.

- Elliot, I don't know
what to say, man.

- I also sent for Camille.

- What?

- Look, she's on her way
here, we're gonna sit down,

we're gonna sort
through this thing.

- No, Elliott look, it's too
late for Camille and me.

It's over, all right, I'm
gonna be fine, okay,

thanks to you.

I love you, bro.

- Hey, brother.

Yeah, all right?

- Be good.

- Thanks.

Camille, hi.

I'm so sorry to
have to tell you this,

but Donnie's gone.

- That son of a
bitch stiffed me?

- Boy, well,
supposed to be deaf.

- Honey, for a thousand
bucks, I'll be deaf,

blind, peg-legged,
whatever you want.

- Donnie!

♪ Life keeps
bringing me back to you

♪ Keeps bringing me hard

♪ It don't matter
what I wanna do

♪ 'Cause it's got
mind of its own

♪ Life keeps bringing
me back to you Ah!