Just Shoot Me! (1997–2003): Season 7, Episode 17 - My Fair Finchy - full transcript

- Where the hell is
this damn elevator?

It's taking forever.

- Maybe we ought to look
at this as an opportunity.

I mean, you and I
are always so busy,

we never get to really connect.

What's going on with you, man?

Where's Jack Gallo at?

- Hey, hey, guys.

- We've been waiting 20
minutes for the elevator.

And only 18 of
that was foreplay.

Hey, Ronnie, you
remember Elliot?



- Sure.

How's it going?

- Aye, can't complain.

- Jack, I'd like you t
meet a special lady.

- So,

this is Chief Moneybuckets.

You look like a couple
of handfuls of fun.

Why don't we pop
some buttons off that vest

and watch the raft inflate.

- She seems lovely.

- I'll be right back
with this, Mr. Gallo.

- Hey, listen, when
you're finished here,

could you take
another run of my office.

Your first pass
was pretty shotty.



- I'll get to it
when I get to it.

- I don't get it. She
works so hard for you,

but she won't do a
damn thing for me.

- Nina, do you know why I'm
such a wealthy, successful man?

- Because your grandparents
exploited immigrant labor

in sweat shops and left
their blood money to you.

- Well, that gave me a
boost in the beginning,

but since then,
it all boils down

to my ability to
motivate people.

Marjorie does a beautiful
job cleaning my office

because I treat
her with kindness.

Thank you, Marjorie.

- Wow, way to line a trash can.

- Thank you.

- And might I say that
you're an excellent duster.

- Oh you should see
the way I clean windows.

- Indeed I should, pretty lady.

- I'm gonna go do
your office right now.

- Might I also add, you
have a beautiful ass.

- Hey, your new
boyfriend's on his way up.

- Oh, Adam is so great.

We met at a
self-fulfillment seminar.

It's so great to be with
someone who gets you.

- Sounds like me and Rhonda.

- The way he listens.

The way he understands.

- The way she cuffs me.

The way she
doesn't leave bruises.

Ahh.

- Maya.

- Oh hey!

Hi!

Great news.

I got us tickets to
the Albee play tonight.

- I'm supposed to go out with
a friend, but I know you have

abandonment issues from
your parent's divorce and I'd hate

to unearth those feelings.

- I appreciate your
acknowledging that,

but go with your friend.

Being an only child,
nurturing peer relationships

must be incredibly
important to you.

- I feel so validated.

Me too.

- Dude's such a loser.

- Yeah, wouldn't it
be great if somebody

hit him in the throat
with a baseball bat

and crushed his larynx?

- Dude, what's
wrong with you, man?

- I don't know.

I mean, you know
this thing with Maya,

it's complicated.

I mean, obviously,
we have the thing.

You know our
history, from the before

and then we slept together,
you know, as friends.

I gotta tell you, when
I see her with this guy,

it just kinda bugs me.

I guess I don't
know what to feel.

- Yeah, I know what
you're going through.

Last night, Rhonda
shaved my chest

and dressed me up
like Gwen Stefani.

- You know what,
dude, just forget it.

- No, no, no, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry; listen.

You guys had a fling.

Obviously, Maya's
moving forward,

so maybe you
should too, you know?

- Yeah, you're right.

What am I moping around for?

I'm Elliot DiMauro.

- You are, man.

- I'm Elliot DiMauro.

- Hey, baby.

- You got three seconds
to grab a part of me you

never grabbed before.

- No, no, no.

- Ahh, time's up.

Penalty squeeze.

- Oh, mama mia.

Okay.

Hey, Jack's tanning.

I have to flip him over, honey.

Put that claw away.

- Hey, Rhonda.

I know it might be
none of my business,

but I gotta ask you something.

- Yeah, it's pierced.

- No.

Do you feel like your
relationship with Finch is healthy?

- That's a little personal.

- I mean, don't you crave
tenderness, understanding,

a real emotional connection?

- You can get that from a man?

Yes!

Set the bar higher!

Dennis should be
treating you with respect.

- You don't know what
you're talking about.

Dennis treats me
with plenty of respect.

- Oh, there's my baby.

- Hey wait, you hear that?

- What, I don't hear anything?

- Yeah, that's the sound
of nobody being spanked.

Oh, there it is again.

- Oh, Marjorie, you haven't
been by my office today.

- Oh, I'm sorry.

Nina and I got to talking.

You know, we have
a lot in common.

- So now your office gets
done and mine doesn't?

- Oh, don't worry.

I'll put in a good word for you.

She's kind of my girl now.

- You think you can
just stroll in here,

fake a few pleasantries and
beat me at my own game.

I've been pretending to be
nice since before you were born.

- Dennis, I want you to
find out everything you can

about a Marjorie Moinahan.

- The maid?

Dude, you can
do better than that.

- Stop it!

Nina thinks she
can out charm me.

Nobody out charms

me.

What's that heart on your neck?

Have you been branded?

- Oh no.

No Rhonda heated
up a belt buckle,

gave me a little love burn.

- This woman, is she
holding you against your will?

- No I like her.

- Ah, got ya.

She's watching us right?

Blink three times if you
want me to call the authorities.

- Jack, no, it's not like that.

We have a safe word.

Rhonda's never gonna hurt
me as long as I say, applesauce.

Wait, apple juice

Oh my God, apple cider?

Oh my God.

Uh, huh.

Um.

Nah, yes.

Hey baby.

You wanna make a Finch omelet?

- You know what?

Before we just
jump right into bed,

we need to discuss our feelings.

- Alright, well, I'm
feeling really horny.

Hey.

I need you to
take this seriously.

- Okay, I'm sorry.

I'm feeling really horny.

- You don't get it.

I'm talking about an
emotional connection here.

I want us to take our
relationship to a deeper level.

- Deeper level?

You know what you sound
like? You sound exactly like...

Maya.

- She opens up my eyes.

I have a right to expect
more from the men in my life.

And until you are willing
to fulfill me emotionally,

you cannot fulfill
me physically.

- Well.

In the meantime,

can you fulfill me physically?

- I want to rip your arms off.

No.

No, no, no, no, apple fritter.

- Damn.

- Here you go.

Background check on
one Marjorie Moinahan.

- Plays the recorder,
loves shrimp,

hates clams.

This stuff is golden.

Marjorie, I have some
cobwebs on my ceiling.

I'd get them down myself,
but I threw my back out

while jamming on the recorder.

- You play the recorder?

So do I!

- Get out of town.

- Marjorie, you know
that problem that you had

with your sister?

I have the solution.

- You do?

- No, I can also help
with your sister, Saliva.

That can't be right.

- It's Sylvia.

- Ah.

- Well, obviously I care
a little more about you.

- Not true.

I care more or else how
would I know that you went

to the University of Flopida?

Damn it Dennis, learn type!

- This is amazing.

Here I thought I was
just the cleaning lady,

but you guys really care
about me as a person.

- Okay.

- You two are probably
the best friends I have

in the whole world.

- Ah, that can't be true.

- Well, yeah, yeah,
ever since my dog died.

Hey, you wanna hear
the song I wrote about her?

- Can't wait.

♪ I live for the highway.

♪ Here comes the track.

♪ Never found her collar.

- Hey, what do you
think you're doing?

You ruined Rhonda.

- I didn't ruin her.

- You know, I've
met a lot of girls,

and some were filthy
and some were dirty.

But she was filthy and dirty.

She had it all.

- Rhonda deserves
better, and if you are going

to be with her,

then you need to treat
her with dignity and respect.

- Ja ja ja.

Respect, what gibberish!

What are you doing to me?

- I'm helping you.

I don't know if
Rhonda's the one,

but you're never gonna be
in a long-lasting relationship

if you won't open
up a little emotionally.

- You don't know what
you're talking about.

- Oh, oh I do.

I know you Finch.

And I know that behind
the flip comments,

there's a guy who wants more.

A guy who doesn't
want to end up alone

on a park bench, feeding
stale bread to the pigeons.

- I don't want to feed
the stale pigeons.

- I can help.

Hey, why don't you and Rhonda
come over for dinner tonight

with Adam and I, and you can
watch us interact as a couple.

- Bless you.

- Oh, it's gonna be okay.

Okay, you can take your
head out of my chest now.

- But it's nice down here.

- Maya, this is Colette,

my new beautiful girlfriend.

- Oh, hello Colette.

- I'm with her as a
result of moving on.

I used to be over here
and now I'm over here.

- Elliot, I'm bored.

Can we have sex?

- Not now honey,
here, here's a buck.

Go buy yourself a
Peppermint Patty.

- Okay, what's going on?

- Nothing.

I mean you and I had
something, you know?

And then we ended up
sleeping together as friends

and it was cool.

But now it's over.

You know, sever the ties.

And I couldn't be happier.

- Good, I'm glad.

- I love you, take me back.

- What?

- I need you, I want you.

I'll crawl through
broken glass to get you.

- What about Colette?

- Ah, she's nothing.

She's a prop.

Look at her over there
eating Peppermint Patties.

What's up with that?

- Elliot, you don't love me.

It's very sweet.

Every time I get
serious about a guy,

you get jealous.

But if I was single,

you wouldn't give
me a second look.

- That's not true.

- You have done it before.

You only want
what you can't have.

- So, you want to go back
to your place and make love?

- Fine.

- Dinner was delicious, sweetie.

I appreciate you
taking the time to cook,

after a long day at work.

- Thank you.

And I appreciate
you being so attuned

to the competing concerns
facing the modern woman.

- And Maya, I would like to add,

that watching how
you command respect

without compromising
your values,

validates my sense,
that I can grow

as a person.

- I like the yams.

I felt that they
were very validating

to my tummy.

- What the hell was that?

We're talking about feelings!

- Rhonda, it's okay.

He's trying.

You can't expect to reach
the level of communication

that Adam and I have overnight.

- I'm sorry, Dennis, if I
diminished your sense of self.

Thank you, Rhonda,

and I do care
about your feelings,

and to reiterate, I
really like the yams.

- Okay, well now, if you'll
all join me in the living room,

it's time to have so fun.

- Maya has invented a wonderful
game, in which you match

poetic verses with the
romantic poets who wrote them.

- Here's the twist.

On the card is a picture
of the poet's mouth.

I call it Romantic Poet's
Mouths, or ROPOMO.

Finch, you wanna go first?

- Sure.

ROPOMO!

- "Old oceans gray and
melancholy waste are but solemn

"decorations all, of
the great tomb of man."

- Oceans great.

It's not Nipsey Russell.

I tell you what,

I don't know if
he writes poetry,

but I'd bet my life that mouth
belongs to Mr. Matt Lauer.

- Sorry, it's William
Cullen Bryant.

- Damn it.

I knew that. I know him.

It's his stuff.

I'm sorry honey, I
didn't know that one.

I was covering.

- Well your willingness to
expose your weaknesses

makes me feel closer to you.

- You guys, that's beautiful.

That's exactly
what this is about,

getting to really
know each other.

- I appreciate your
willingness to accept me

as I really am.

- And I appreciate you
making a genuine effort

for this evening.

Perhaps, when we
get home tonight,

I will reward you

with a type of job
that is not a job,

per se.

- That sounds lovely.

Maybe I'll respond
with reciprocity.

- I'm sure that would
lead to validation.

- I intend to meet your
emotional needs all night long.

I hope your parking garage
accepts multiple validations.

- Stop it!

This isn't healthy!

You're just dressing
up your dirty talk.

- No, Maya, no.

This is a genuine
expression of our emotions.

- Yes, Maya, and our
feelings are no less valid

because they're of
a getting it on nature.

- I'm just saying
don't confuse the two.

Adam and I don't.

We have a pure emotional
bond and a physical life

filled with passion.

- I wouldn't exactly
call it passion.

- What?

Excuse us.

- Everything okay?

- Sharing your opinion
of our sex life with others

makes me feel diminished.

- I find your use of the word
diminished to be accusatory.

- Calling me accusatory
when you started this

belittles my intelligence.

- I think your over reaction to
my comment reflects an issue

that preceded me.

- Well, I think
you're a stupid head.

- Jerk.

- Jerk to infinity.

Get out!

What are you doing?

- We're playing a
little strip ROPOMO.

- This buddy-buddy thing
with Marjorie is a nightmare.

She made me a t-shirt
that says friend plus pal

equals fral

- You think that's bad?

She gave me this
friendship bracelet.

I had it appraised.

It's worthless.

- Hey Jack, hey fral.

Guess what?

I got three tickets to
the Medieval Fair tonight.

- Marjorie, we need to talk.

- God's teeth, pray thee
doth speak, thy Lord.

- Listen, Nina and I got
into a petty competition,

which may have lead you
to believe that we cared

about you more
than we actually do.

- Well, how much do
you care about me?

- Very, very little.

- Even less.

- How could you do this to me?

I might not be the
most stable person,

and I might have to take
medication to control my episodes,

but I don't deserve
to be treated this way!

Nobody does, nobody does!

Nobody does!

- Wait, were you guys
just messing with me?

Pulling some practical joke?

- More mead?

- Just give me the jug.

- Hey.

- We need to talk.

I was out with Colette tonight

and all I could
think of was you.

We just have to
get back together.

- Oh, Elliot, come on.

- No, I know what
you're thinking,

and maybe in the past
I did act impulsively,

but this is different,
I've changed.

- And this has nothing
to do with jealousy?

- Absolutely not!

- And if I were single,
you would dive right in?

- Head first.

- Adam and I broke up.

- That's great.

- So, you think we
should give it another go?

- Yeah.

- Well, I still have
all the wedding plans

from when we were engaged.

We could get that
rolling and think

about starting a family.

- Okay.

- What do you think about
Alexandra for a girl's name?

- It's pretty.

- That window is nailed shut.

- Oh my God, I
can't breathe in here.

It's like a tomb

- Elliot, I do not want to
have a relationship with you.

- Really?

- Yes, we're friends.

That's what we were meant to be.

- You're right. I know.

And I do have this
pattern where I get nuts

when you're with another guy.

- I know.

- Oh, hey, I'm sorry
about you and Adam.

He seemed like an okay guy.

- Oh thanks, but
if the truth be told,

there's this guy in
my book club, Jason,

and he gave me his phone number.

I think I might call him.

He's kinda cute.

- Fly to Vegas.

We can be married tonight.

Go home, Elliot.

- Yeah, it's probably best.

- Yeah, yeah, I think so.

Oh, hey, you guys.

Where have you been?

You went in to get your coats

and then I heard
begging and screaming

and some muffled cries.

- We were just goofing around.

Right, muppet?

- Yeah, it's lots of fun.

Hey, if you see your dad,

can you give him this message?

♪ Life keeps
bringing me back to you

♪ Keeps bringing me home

♪ It don't matter
what I wanna do

♪ Cause it's got
a mind of its own

♪ Life keeps
bringing me back to you