Just Shoot Me! (1997–2003): Season 7, Episode 15 - A Simple Kiss of Fate - full transcript

- So Martin, coffee was
great but I kinda gotta...

- Here's the thing about me,

I don't like to talk
about my money.

- We weren't talking
about your money.

- I make a lot of money,
but it doesn't define me.

I know what you're thinking.

What did I do to
deserve this guy?

- That's exactly
what I'm thinking.

You know, these
past couple of weeks

have been really great but...
- There he is!

How's my favorite lawyer.

- I'd tell ya, but I'd
have to bill you $300.

That's funny.

Lawyers are greedy.

- By the way Jack,
here's your will.

I made the revisions.

- Isn't he amazing?

Let me take you to the
club, Maya will join us.

- I can't, I kinda got a thing.

- I don't care what it is, I
won't take no for an answer.

- It's a woman's problem.

- Bah, bah, bah, bah, see ya!

Dennis, put my will in the safe.

Remember, no one
opens this envelope

under any circumstances.

If you're at gunpoint,
I expect you to die

before you let anyone read this.

- Yes sir, my word is my bond.

What, Maya gets his frozen head?

I made all those
wigs for nothing?

Buddy you're not
gonna believe it, I'm rich!

I just took a sneaky
peek at Jack's will.

He's leaving me one
million dollars, yeah!

- Oh my god, if he's
leaving you a million bucks,

I'm getting at least
a million, right?

- Yeah, yeah.

- Elliot, I've got
a huge problem.

- What's up?

- I was going through
Simon's dresser drawers

and I found this.

- Oh my god.

Oh my god.

He's gonna propose
to you, congratulations!

- It's not that
simple, the thing is

I'm married to someone else.

- What?

- His name is Roland
Deveroe, we met in Milan.

Oh it was doomed from the start.

There were drunken binges,
petty theft, other women,

and of course he did things too.

- That sounds awful.

Why'd you marry
him in the first place?

- Because as bad
as things would get,

whenever he kissed me all
my reason would just melt away.

He has this blinding
sexual power.

- Oh I completely understand,

a lot of women have said
the same thing about me.

- Oh it's so sweet of you
to try and make me laugh.

What am I gonna do?

Simon is planning this
huge romantic dinner tonight

and I'm afraid he's
gonna propose.

- Alright you
just go to this guy

and you tell him
you want a divorce.

- But I've avoided Roland
for the last eight years

because I didn't wanna
be sucked back in.

He's a manipulative genius.

His intellect is overpowering.

- Alright then I'll go with you.

A lot of people have said
my intellect is overpowering.

- It was funny the first time,

but now you're
just pissing me off.

- You wanted to see me?

- Yeah, I heard you
broke up with Martin.

What were you thinking?

- I was thinking he was
shallow and annoying.

- Come on, he's perfect.

He's successful, attractive,

and day or night
he smells fantastic.

He smells like a winner.

- It's my life and in fact, I'm
interested in someone else.

His name is Andrew...

- Sounds like he's got VD.

- Dad!

He's a nice guy.

He's an environmentalist.

- Fine, do your thing,
make your choices,

get your freak on,
whatever you kids are doing.

I'm out of it.

- Thank you.

- I can't do it, I
can't face Roland.

- You've got to.

Alright, just think of
your future with Simon.

- You're right.

He just radiates sexual
energy, it's hypnotic.

If you see me weakening,
get me out of here?

- Mm hmm.

- Hello Nina.

Look Diane, Nina's back.

- I'm Elliot Dimauro.

- Entre.

- This is the sexual dynamo?

- Age has only made him sexier.

Diane I think has had some work.

Look, please just
sign these papers

and we'll be on our way.

- Oh why the rush?

Why don't we end this
the way we started it,

over a Kir Royale?

- Yeah well thanks chief,

but we're in a bit
of a time crunch.

- You're an artist, aren't you?

I can see the pain in your eyes.

Be brave.

As Nietzsche said, great
art justifies the suffering

in the world.

You are a gift to us all.

- I guess I could
have one glass.

- Nina, I want to
show you something.

When you left me all the
beauty was drained from my life.

And so to replace
it, I went to Italy

to learn the ancient art of
Venetian glass sculpture.

I toiled for six years
before a raging furnace,

burning my hands, losing
the sight in my left eye!

All to create this
exquisite glass orchid.

- It's beautiful.

- Compared to you, it's crap!

- Elliot, don't you need me to
go with you to do that thing?

- Oh my god, you're the most
amazing man I've ever met.

- Alright enough of this,

Roland I'm begging you,
please sign these papers.

- Very well, I'll
sign your papers.

But all I ask for
in return is a kiss.

- What?

- If you can kiss me
and tell me honestly

the passion between us
is dead, I will set you free.

- I am not going to kiss you.

- Because you're afraid!

Afraid it will unleash
the love you have for me

and send you back into my arms.

- I think he's got you.

- I am not afraid.

And if that's what it
takes, I will kiss you.

- Very well.

My lips await.

- I have to go!

- Nina, wait!

- Excuse me.

Am I in any danger here?

- Man this thing's heavy.

- It's cast iron.

Now hold steady, while
I make sure it's centered.

- I got a confession to make.

I read your will yesterday.

- Dennis, how could you?

- Well I know it was wrong
but I have to thank you.

- Dennis, you do realize
you don't get a penny of that

until I'm dead.

- Oh no, no!

What have I done?

What have I done?

Dennis, I'm alright,

but I'm pinned under this
thing and the wires are exposed.

- Oh, oh my god!

I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry.

I'm still okay.

- You lived in a
tree for six months?

Andrew you are so brave.

- No, no the tree is brave

for surviving in a world
that we have polluted

with our factories and our SUVs.

God I hate people.

- Somebody call an exterminator?

- Oh so you're here to kill
some defenseless creatures?


How would you like
it if a rat in a jumpsuit

showed up in your kitchen
and tried to poison you?

- Well if I do my job
right, that won't happen.

- Maya, Martin and I were just
out shopping for speed boats.

- I bought one, $150k,
has his beautiful teak deck.

- And how many trees
died to build that deck?

- 75.

- So who's your buddy
with the hobo shoes?

- Dad, this is Andrew.

He's regional director
for Hug the Planet.

He's dedicated to
preserving our forests.

- Yeah, well let me give
you a little tip, Tarzan.

Why don't you hop a
vine to Brooks Brothers

and get yourself
some big boy clothes?

- Dad, can I speak
with you for a moment?

What the hell are you doing?

- Martin is a great guy!

You didn't give him a chance.

You know, when it comes to
men, your instincts are awful.

- Andrew is a remarkable person

and I would be lucky
to go out with him.

- Maya, he is wrong for you.

- Oh yeah?

Andrew, would you like to
have dinner with me tonight?

- Sure.

- Fantastic.

- Oh look, a spider.

Let's take him outside

and release him into
his natural habitat.

- Elliot, I don't know
what I'm gonna tell Simon.

I just hope and pray
that he doesn't propose.


Yeah, I guess Roland liked you.

I think sending a gift might
seem a little desperate.

Yeah, okay, okay.

- Oh darling, you're here.

Are you ready for the most
romantic night of your life?

- Uh, you know, I'm not.

I'm really not ready
for a romantic night.

In fact, this is a
particularly bad time for me

to have a romantic night.

- Why?

- Well because I'm
having woman problems.

- Ah fabulous,
tell me all about it.

We'll have a nice quiet evening,

candlelit table,
a few rose petals.

Our own private opera singer.

Shall we?

Nina, will you be my...

- Please don't!

- Little helper and
pass me the salt?

Thank you.

You know, there's really
something I must do.

- No stop!

- I gotta put a matchbox
under this table,

it's a little bit wobbly.

You seem a little bit on edge.

Is everything alright?

- You know, I just, I
misunderstood the point

of this dinner but I'm fine now.

And god Simon, it's
just all so romantic.

- You know what would
make it more romantic?

This gigantic engagement ring.

- Shut up, fat man!

- Before you say anything else,

I want to tell you that
I've only proposed

to six other women in my life

and never before
have I been this sober.

- Simon, no.

- Fair enough,
I'm a little wasted.

But I love you more than...
- Stop it!

I want to but I can't.

I'm married to another man.

- Holy crap.

- Why don't you just call
him and get a divorce?

- No Simon, it's not that easy.

He wants a kiss.

- Why?

- He has this ridiculous
notion that if I kiss him

I'll be seduced by
his incredible charms.

- So kiss him and
prove him he's wrong,

that's how I got
Jagger off my back.

- But I don't wanna
kiss another man.

- It's just a kiss.

I mean I kiss women
all the time in my videos.

It means nothing,

unless you still have
feelings for this bloke.

- No, no I swear I don't.

- Well actions speak
louder than words.

If you really love me,

you'd have already made
out with him behind my back.

- Ever since I found out Jack's
gonna leave me some money,

I'm having dreams
about killing him.

- Oh it's just a dream, Finch.

I've dreamed of killing
you a million times.

Come on, I'm sure
it means nothing.

Coffee, Dennis!

And don't forget the sugar!

- Yes, Jack, coming right up.

And really load it up,

with this cold I
can't taste a thing!

- Maya here?

- She's in with Jack.

- Alright, hey donuts.

- Dude, dude slow down
man, easy on the donuts.

What are you hi...

- Yeah, you're
cool though right?

- Oh yeah, I'm cool.

Well technically I haven't
been cool since I got

way too cool and ate a whole ham

and took a shower
with my grandma.

- Hey man, do you got any milk?

- Milk, no, but I tell
you what I do got.

This will really
quench your thirst,

peanut butter on a
super dry cracker.

- Cool.

- Yeah.

- Oh there you are.

Hold on a sec, I think my
dad wants to apologize to you.

- Maya I think you should
know, this guy's super...

Ready to see your dad.

- Dad, Andrew's here.

- Andrew, good to see you.

I want to apologize, as
Maya has pointed out,

I jumped to some conclusions
based on your appearance

and I'm sorry.

- Hey Dad, I love you.

And I love this place.

And I love that blonde chick
who gave me the donuts.

- He's a keeper.

- I've been expecting you.

- Alright, just sign
the damn papers

and let me get on with my life.

- You know my terms, one kiss.

- You bastard.

- Roly, I've been in
the hot tub for an hour.

When are the girls showing up?

Hey Nina.

- Listen to me.

I want to spend the rest
of my life with Simon Leeds

and if kissing you is
what it takes, then I'll do it.

- Wait.

- Simon.

- This is Simon?

You were so eager to replace me,

you found my doppelganger.

- So this is my rival?

Good god he is intoxicating.

- What are you doing here?

- Nina, this doesn't
matter, this is crazy.

You don't have to kiss him.

All that matters is
that we're together,

let's just leave.

- Oh Simon.

Well I guess we're done here.

- Very well, run, but know this,

wherever you go, I will
be squatting in the closet

of your mind, naked and aroused.

- That's it, I can't
live like this anymore.

Roland, I'm ready.

- Ready to once again be mine.

I'm sorry Simon, I don't
relish being a dream crusher!

- Nothing.

- What?

- I felt absolutely nothing.

- Impossible!

- Are you sure?

- Yes!

- Well kiss him
again, just in case,

and give his buttocks
a little squeeze.

- Okay.

- Zero!

I am finally free.

- Oh great!

Take all your clothes
off and shower together.

- I think we've
proved our point.

- Alright.

- Fine, I'll sign the papers.

- Come on Nina, let's
get out of this place.

- No girls are
showing up, are they?

- Jack, I can't
stand it anymore.

I read your will yesterday.

- What?

- I'm sorry, I
couldn't help myself.

And now I know that I get
a million dollars if you die

it's messing me up.

You gotta write
me out, I'm serious.

- So what you're saying is,

if I died you'd be so upset

that you wouldn't be able
to live with the money?

That's how much I mean to you.

- Um, yeah sure, that works.

- Well there's only
one thing for me to do.

I'm gonna leave you two million.

That's right Dennis,
I appreciate loyalty.

Hey, let's leave work right now

and go out on my
sailboat, just you and me,

completely alone
on the open sea.

- No...

- And while we're out
there, we'll shoot some skeet.

You take the gun, I'll
stand in front of you

and throw the clay
pigeons into the air

and you just blast away.

Come on!

- Nina, when you've
lived the life that I have

you think there
are no surprises left,

and then I found you,

the most remarkable,
passionate, wonderful woman

I've ever known.

Will you make me the
happiest man on earth

and be my wife?

- Oh Simon, of course I will.

Now that I felt.

♪ Life keeps
bringing me back to you

♪ Keeps bringing me home

♪ It don't matter
what I wanna do

♪ 'Cause it's got
a mind of its own

♪ Life keeps
bringing me back to you