Just Shoot Me! (1997–2003): Season 7, Episode 11 - The Comedy Stylings of Rivers & Red - full transcript

- Jack, I've got
two front row tickets

to see Mr. Chick Rivers tonight

and I want you to be my guest.

- Oh, no thank you, Elliot.

- Come on

- No, I don't go for
that put down humor.

I like comedy that
makes me laugh.

You know like
Blondie and Dagwood

and that hilarious
gigantic sandwich.

It's funny because it's big.

- So big is funny.

- Uh-huh.

- Let me jot that down.

- Oh!

- Oh Finch, I was
just having drinks

and I ran into your father.

- My father's in town?

Why didn't he call me?

You know, he's been
acting so strange lately.

- Well you should
go talk to him.

He's at the bar at
the Lincoln Park Hotel.

- Oh I know that joint.

It's a hangout for
drunken lowlifes

who think they're celebrities.

- What are you talking about?

I go there all the time.

I never see anybody like that.

- Nina, Nina, Nina, Nina.

I need your advice.

When I was 17, I
lived in the building

next to this sweet
guy, Gordon Sattler

and we were in love.

We were like the perfect couple.

- Okay, I'm bored.

If I don't hear the
phrase "dank rec room"

or "delicious black man" in
the next sentence, I'm leaving.

- All right, so things
were really heating up

between me and...
the delicious black man

when his family decided
to move to Arizona

and we promised that
if we still felt the same

for each other in 20 years,

we would meet
at McAllister's bar

and tonight's the night.

I don't know, you
think that's silly?

- No, I think it's beautiful.

- Really?

- Yeah.

- You know, before I met
Simon I always thought

that ugly people invented love

just to make
themselves feel better.

But now I think maybe
we do all have a soulmate.

- So you think I should go?

- Hey do what
you want, old maid.

I got my man.

- Dad?

- Dennis, Dennis, what
he hell are you doing here?

- What are you doing here?

Why don't you call me?

- Look, I know how
sensitive you are about me

and your mom splitting up.

But you might as well know.

I met somebody.

- Is it a fella?

- Cut it out, I'm your father.

- Well, who is she?

- Her name is Glenda
and she's incredible.

She's right over there.

- Oh, well I'm happy for you.

So how the hell did
you meet this Glenda?

- Oh I was buying some
pants at the department store

and she was just standing there.

- Ah.

And here she is.

Dennis, this is
Glenda Harbibian.

- Dad, this is the
girl you're dating?

Are you completely
out of your mind?

- Why because she's Armenian?

She makes me feel alive.

- She's got a dent in her head.

- It's not a dent, it's a scar.

She fell off a horse
when she was four.


Horse, pony, why do you
correct me in front of the kid?

Sit down, sit down, order
some food, it's fantastic.

Baby, baby, you haven't
eaten any of your rice.

Come on, come on, huh?

There you go.

Come on, a little
bit more there.

That's it.

- That's it!

You're gonna see Jack's shrink.

- See that guy
going to the john?

- What is that, her husband?

- That's an
insurance investigator.

This is all an act.

They're forcing me out
of my job as fire chief

six months short of my pension.

Proving I got a
mental disability

is the only way I can get
the money they owe me.

- Dad you can't go on like this.

It's embarrassing.

- I got no choice.

I got no money, I
got no place to go.

This is my one chance to
grow old with some dignity.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Somebody had a little
too much to drink, eh?

That's okay, no problem.

- This better be good, Elliot.

- Jack, this is gonna be great.

Chick Rivers is a genius.

He's gonna find some
poor sap in the audience

and he's gonna make
some off color remarks

about his race or
his religion or his wife.

- Is his wife comically large?

- You're gonna
have to let that go.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Chick Rivers!

- Whoa, what a thrill!

What a thrill.

Thank you, my opening
night back in New York

and they put an
old man up front.

My luck, eh?

They didn't even
give him a chair,

I think he's sitting
on his prostate.

What the hell are
you laughing at, baldy?

He's touching himself
under the table!

No offense, I don't
mean any harm.

You have a
beautiful head of skin.

Actually it's more like
a wide part, is what it is.

- That's right.

- Tell you one thing you
don't have to worry about,

if you find a hair in your
soup, you know it's not yours.

So, uh, tell me, uh,
Cheech, you got a girl?

- No.

- Here it comes.

- Well, don't worry I
know where guys like you

can get all the love they want.


- You see, it's funny because
they only have men in there!

- I have fantasized about
this night for 20 years.

It's like in my mind,
Gordon has become this

well educated romantic,
loves children and writes poetry.

But I really shouldn't
get my hopes up

because it's been hours and

what if he doesn't show up?

- Wait.

There he is.

Oh, Maya, don't just sit here.

Go to him.

Don't let him get away.

- Yes, very funny.

This is a big waste of time

because I'm sure Gordon
has moved on with his life.

That makes me the
biggest loser in the world.

- Am I supposed
to say something?

Okay, uh...

So you're alone,
you're childless,

you're pinning all of
your romantic hopes

on some acne scarred kid
you haven't seen for 20 years,

but that doesn't
make you a loser.

It makes you Maya.

- What is that supposed to mean?

- Well, you have to admit
your love life has been

sort of like a train wreck.

- It has not!

- Hey, look, I'm
not judging you.

God, I admire you.

If I had been rejected by
as many men as you have,

I'd be a bit fat lesbian by now.

- You know, I have always
been a good friend to you

and you have always put me down.

Tonight was really
important to me

and I'm just not
gonna take it anymore.

I have too much self respect.

You're not Gordon, are you?

- So, uh, was this
mannequin, uh, attractive?

- She was pretty hot.

- Classy or trashy?

- Bloomingdale's front window.

- Nice!

- Thanks for helping me out.

It means a lot to my dad.

- You bet.

- Dennis!

All right, I'm here, what's up?

- Hey, I got great news!

You don't have to worry
about money anymore.

Jack's gonna hire
you as his driver.

- Look, I don't want
any charity, all right?

I have my pride.

- Dad when I left you,

you were tightening
your girlfriend's arm

with a butter knife.

- Listen, Red, if you'll do it,
it could really help me out.

- All right, there's no shame
in an honest day's work.

Jack, I won't let you down.

I drove a hook and
ladder for 12 years

until the incident.

I still maintain a fire
truck has the right of way

over a school bus.

- Listen, uh, Red, you could
take me to a meeting right now.

Dennis, give him the hat.

- Oh.

I don't wear hats.

- Uh, you wore a fire hat.

- Fire helmet.

Helmet, protective headgear.

Hats are for prancing dandies.

- Uh, well, it's fine, Red.

You don't have to wear the hat.

I really want him
to wear the hat.

- Jack, come on, Jack.

Hat or no hat, I'm your man.

- Okay.

Let's go, we'll take a
shortcut through the park.

- I don't think so, sweetheart.

The park?

Oh no, no, we stick
to the main streets!

- Maya.

All right, I know I was a
little insensitive the other night

but I've come up with
something that I think

is gonna make this all better.

- And what could you possibly
do to make me feel better?

- I found Gordon.

He got the wrong night!

- Oh!

- He still loves you, he's
thought of no one else

for like 20 years
and here he is!

- Myra.

You look more beautiful
than you did in high school.

Remember that?

Those were good times.

- I'm not Myra.

- Myra!

You look more beautiful
than you did in high school.

- What is this, some
kind of joke to you?

- I was trying to help.

- Yeah, I don't need
that kind of help.

What I need now
is a real friend,

someone I can talk to and trust.

- Well, you blew it genius.

You can just forget
about that hot dog!

- Jack.

- Elliot, you walked
out on a great show!

After you left, Rivers lit
into this Japanese guy.

Oh, "makey love in a rickshaw!"

- You know what, Jack?

It's hurtful when the
insults are aimed at you.

And somebody's gotta
teach that guy a lesson.

Uncle Jimmy!

Come in here.

Jack, I want you to
meet my Uncle Jimmy.

He's the funniest
man in my family

and he's gonna help
me get back at Rivers.

- What's that, your hair?

I don't know what the
hell's going on up there!

- Elliot, this is
not a good idea.

Rivers has been facing
down hecklers for 40 years,

he's gonna eat you alive.

- No, he's not.

Uncle Jimmy has a file
cabinet full of one liners.

Rivers is going down!

Come on, Uncle Jimmy.

- What's that, your head?

That one's under construction.

Hey, Stretch.

Who are you, the
Statue of Liberty?

Or some other tall lady?

From France?

- Hey, hey!

So how's the job going?

- Well, Jack must be happy.

I got him to that
meeting 20 minutes early.

- Oh, whoa, he
hates being early.

Forces him to make small
talk with middle class people.

- Hey, Jack, don't forget now,

you've got that
appointment at 8:00.

Your limo leaves at 7:45 sharp,

whether you're in it or not!

- He poked me.

And you know how
I hate to be touched.

- I'm sorry, Jack.

He's used to being chief.

He's just going
through an adjustment.

- Don't worry, Dennis.

I'll do with him like I do
with all my employees.

I'll crush his spirit

until he's incapable
of independent thought.

- You don't do that with us.

- Yes, I do.

- You're right.

- Now, get me a chocolate phone.

- That's crazy!

- No, it's not.

- Okay.

- Red, uh... We
got a little problem.

- I'll say.

You got an overloaded outlet
next to flammable snack foods.

Oh, those bagel chips will
go up like a Christmas tree.

I know it's ironic,
but it happens.

- Yeah, uh, okay.

Red, we need to talk about
the way things work around here.

Now, say you got
a three alarm fire.

Now I know there's gonna
be a lot of firemen there,

but how many chiefs?

- Well, Jack, it depends on
how you want to attack the fire.

Maybe you've got your
hose chief, your pumper chief,

your rescue chief...

- All right, forget the fire.

- Yeah, I wish I could,
that red-eyed devil.

Do you know how much of my
ass is grafted onto my elbows?

- Look...

Red, my point is, I
run this magazine

and around here,
we do things my way.

- Oh, no, of course, of course.

You're the boss, I
completely understand.

- So, how's everything
going over here?

- Mr. Fancy Pants here
just read me the riot act, eh?

Come here, you big teddy bear.

Come here, come here.

Get over here, you!

- Oh, Uncle Jimmy,
this stuff is great.

The minute that bastard
Rivers sets on stage,

I'm gonna give him a
taste of his own medicine.

- Here's one in case he's
dressed like a chicken.

- You never know.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Chick Rivers!

- Hiya, hiya, hiya!

Hey, I'm here.

Cheeky Chicky Rivers.

Oh, look who else is
here, my favorite pal.

The poor man's Yul Brynner.

Is that your head or are
you sitting upside down?

- What is that, Chick
Rivers or a fossil in a tuxedo?

Very cute, very cute.

Here he is, folks: proof
positive that cousins do marry.

Where were you conceived?

At a family reunion?

- Yeah, that's a
good one Rivers.

Your brain is still fit,

now tell your body to
get with the program!

- Is this guy angry?

Somebody must've slipped
him a Crazy Glue enema.

- That joke was cheap
and easy like your wife!

- Hey, cool it.

Cool it, will you pal?

I'm trying to do a show here.

Now enough is enough.

- Said the missus
after a minute of sex!

- Oh, my arm.

My arm hurts, can't feel my arm.

- It fell asleep, it's
been watching your act!

- Hey, can I get
some water out here?

- Finally, he's
gonna take a bath!

- Oh, I don't feel good.

- Perfect, 'cause
you look like crap!


- Oh my god, I
killed Chick Rivers!

- Here's one in case he's
wearing a cowboy hat.

- Five, four, three,

two, one, bingo.

- Dad, open up!

Come on, we're here!

All right.

- All right, girls, all right.

This one's a freebie.

Next time you're taking
the shoe leather express.

- I don't like this, Dennis.

- Hey, how 'bout a
little champagne?

Come on, remember
when big was funny?

- Come on, boys, strap in.

We gotta make up some time.


Hey, hey, hey, an ambulance.

We can follow in its wake.

- Ah!

Dad, uh, hey you wanna
slow down a little bit?

- No, no, no, we
gotta get there early.

The early bird catches the worm.

- I'm Jack Gallo, I've
already got the worm!

- Besides, the faster
you hit these potholes,

the smoother they feel.

- Red, will you excuse
us for a minute?

Fire him.

- What?

I can't fire my own father.

- Dennis, this isn't working.

You brought him in, I
want you to take him out.

It'll be quick and painless.

- That's easy for you to say,

you've never been
spanked with your own flute.

Come on, Jack, give
him another chance.

He's a great guy.

Before you know it, you'll
love having him around.


- Ah!

- Your panties
still dry, ladies?

- He's gone.

- All right, I can't
take this anymore.

You want me to get real?

Well, this is how
I feel about you.

This is from my heart.

♪ Why do birds suddenly appear

♪ Every time you are near

♪ Just like me ♪ They long to be

♪ Close to you

But not in a gay way.

♪ Why do stars - Okay.

Nina, that was the lamest
gesture I've ever seen.

- I know, I know,
I know, I know.

God, Maya, I am so, so
sorry that things didn't work out

with Gordon.

You know, I actually
did try to track him down

but I...

- No, it's sweet, but I'm
glad he didn't come back.

- Oh, come on!

- No, I mean it.

The real Gordon
could never live up

to the perfect person that I
created in my imagination.

Better to keep it a fantasy.

I just need to move on.

- Well, I so admire
your perspective.

♪ On the day that you were
born the angels got together

♪ And decided to
create a dream come true

- Hey, Uncle Jimmy.

I just spoke to
Mr. Rivers in the hospital.

He's gonna be okay, but I
gotta tell you, I feel terrible.

- I gotta tell you I
feel like an egg cream.

Zing a ding ding!

That goes in the file.

- You know what?

The great news is
that he loved your jokes

and he wants to buy a couple.

- Take that, Mom and Pop!

I made it!


- Dennis!

- Yo.

- I just stopped by Jack's
place to pick him up,

they said he'd already left.

What the hell is going on?

- Yeah, uh...

I gotta talk to you about that.

Let's go in here.

- All right, what's up?

- Dad, uh...

This is kinda hard for me.

It's about your job, Jack...

- Jack, Jack, Jack, what?

- Jack was uh...

This is tough to say.

- Oh, come on, come on.

Quit wasting my
time, kid, spit it out.

- I'm trying.

- Well, try harder!

Get up on your
two feet like a man,

look me in the eye and
say what you have to say!

- All right.

You're fired.

You're the worst
driver we've ever had.

You're reckless, you're arrogant,
you've been here one day,

you've already driven to
four meetings without Jack!

- It's because I won't
wear the hat, right?

- No.

No, Dad, it's everything.

This isn't the job
for you, I'm sorry.

- God, what's happening to me?

First I lose my career,
then I lose my pension,

now I get fired
from this crappy job

by my third favorite son.

No offense, kid, but I just
haven't known you as long.

- Don't worry, Dad.

You're gonna land on your feet.

- Yeah, I don't think so, kid.

- You kidding me?

You've faced worse
than this, come on.

Remember when the old
lumber mill burned down?

I think I remember you
were the first guy in there

and you didn't leave till
the last guy was saved.

- What were you
doing at the lumber mill?

- I wasn't looking at porn
and lighting bottle rockets,

that's for sure.

- So, you really think I can
turn my life around, huh?

- Of course you can,
you're Red Finch.

Look at this, look at this.

Who woulda thought my
youngest son would be the one

that'd be propping me
up these days, huh?


You're a good kid, Dennis.

I'm proud of you.

- Thanks, Dad.

And listen, enough of
this crazy mannequin stuff.

When you're getting back on
your feet and you need anything,

you come to me.

- Hey, maybe I could
move in with you!

- Is my father
mentally competent?


Why don't you ask
my new stepmom?

- We just found out
we're having a baby!

♪ Life keeps
bringing me back to you

♪ Keeps bringing me home

♪ It don't matter
what I wanna do

♪ 'cause it's got
a mind of its own

♪ Life keeps
bringing me back to you