Just Shoot Me! (1997–2003): Season 7, Episode 12 - The Talented Mr. Finch - full transcript

- Hey.

- What's with the
suit and the cake?

- I just came from
a baby shower.

Check this out, I
swiped a breast pump.

There's gotta be some fun
we can have with that thing.

- Yeah, but you
wanna be really careful,

because the suction
can get very intense and-

So who's having the baby?

- I don't know. My friend
works at a print shop,

he slips me extra invitations.

I haven't paid for a meal since



the Greenburg
wedding was canceled.

- Where the hell were you?

The phone's been
ringing off the hook.

I missed my breakfast
meeting with Trump,

and you were supposed
to set something up

with my real estate agent.

I'm sick of your screw-ups.

And thanks to you,

I'm late to see an apartment.

- What's the matter, Jack,

you need more space
to house your ego?

I thought we were
close enough for that,

but we're not.

- Oh, you also forgot,
it's Tuesday the 12th.



- Oh my god, that's right,

you were gonna start
wearing your bow tie today.

- But someone's dainty
hands weren't there to do it.

- Come on, I can-
- No, it's ruined.

- You know, I used
to be able to do it all.

Maybe I am slipping.

Look, as long as
we have this thing,

let's see if we can suck
some dents and dings

out of the top of your head.

- Ooo, this one's really sexy.

- Nina, I feel a
bit odd about you

helping me pick out
girls for my video.

- Well Simon, I'm
not threatened,

I mean, you want your
video to be on MTV,

you need really sexy girls.

- We should choose
someone like you.

- You want this video on
MTV or the History Channel?

- Hey, what about her,
she's got something.

- She's strangely bland.

She either needs to
be much more bland,

or not bland at all.

- Oh please.

Maya, would you
sleep with this woman?

Nina, I'm not into women.

Granted, she's very attractive.

She's got those eyes,
that kind of say, "I get you."

She obviously
works out quite a bit.

Oh, maybe we're
having coffee, and

we're laughing,
and without warning,

she leans over and
gives me a kiss so light,

it's almost like a whisper.

- Hey, you wanna come play
with my breast pump tonight?

Let me know.

- Tony Zutelli?

- Yeah, it's Jack's
real estate agent.

- Yeah, I recognize
him from his photograph.

I went to elementary
school with this guy.

- Oh my god, what a coincidence!

We should have a
coincidence party.

I'll wear my coincidence
hat. Whoopie!

- Were you friends?

- Yeah, friends steal
your lunch money

and hit you in the
face with fish sticks

and make you pee on your
Hank Aaron baseball card.

But yeah, we were very close.

Oh, I'm sorry. Losers are funny.

- He was the
biggest kid in school,

always called me Garfunkel.

- You gonna cry, Garfunkel?

Come on, sing us a pretty song.

- Oh, Elliot, that's awful.

- Hey hey hey, it was just
typical schoolyard stuff.

I mean, who hasn't spent the day

stuffed in a bag of
soiled girls gym clothes?

It's what makes
you a man, right?

- Hello, we are from
Nordesell Communications,

we have a meeting
with Jack Gallo.

- Oh, I'll see if I
can find him for you.

Hey Finch, some guys
are here from Nordesell?

- Oh my god, the Norwegians?

Totally forgot
about that meeting.

- Just reschedule it.

- I can't, they're only
in town for one day.

Oh, Jack's so mad,
he's gonna kill me now.

- Finch, calm down.

- That's easy for you to say.

I can't just slink in here

and wiggle my
tight buttocks around

while Jack throws change at me.

Hey gentleman,
sorry about the delay,

I think there's a
little bit of a problem.

- I hope not, we flew 5,000
miles to be here, Mr. Gallo.

- Oh, I think there's
a misunderstanding.

- What misunderstanding?

Either you want two million
in new advertising or you don't.

Which is it, Mr. Gallo?

- Call me Jack.

Come on in my
office, have a drink.

So, Norway?

You guys really rolled over
for the Nazi's, didn't you?

- So how's it going
with Simon's video?

- Great. I'm really
getting involved creatively.

And the band loves me.

They even gave me this
great nickname, Yoko.

- Grandma!

- Tess, what are you
doing in New York?

- I got into acting
school, Grandma.

I was gonna call
you, but I figured,

if there's anyone I wanna
tell in person, it's my Grandma.

- Tess, I love you, and I
am so thrilled to see you,

but if you call me
Grandma again,

I'm going to have
to crush your larynx.

- It's good to see
you again, sweetie.

- Hi. I'm Tess.

- Well I know, silly. We
spent the whole day together

the last time you were here.

We played Frisbee in the park.

I gave you my signed
copy of The Fountainhead.

We bought friendship bracelets.

- Are you hitting on me?

Anyway, I was hoping
I could spend the night.

- Oh, you know, my
apartment's being painted,

so I'm staying at Simon's.

- Oh, you could
stay at my place.

- You'd like that, wouldn't you?

- Alright.

- Do you think it'd be okay
if I crashed at Simon's?

- Well, okay, but if Simon asks,

you're my friend's daughter.

- Fine, okay. I can't
believe I'm staying

at Simon Leed's place.

I've gotta go to Barney's
and pick up a new outfit.

- Okay, just remember
what I told you.

- There's security cameras
in the dressing rooms.

- Right, so just
tear it off the hangar

and run right out
that door, okay?

- You're not telling Simon
you're a grandmother?

- No. Once he finds out,
my sex appeal will evaporate.

- Oh that's ridiculous.

- Maya, he's a rockstar, he
can date anyone he wants to.

Soon as he knows
I'm a grandmother,

he'll start to picture
me with a rolling pin

and wearing a pair of
giant granny panties.

Much like the pair
that sits fortress-like

beneath that skirt of yours.

- Hey, Elliot?
Security just called,

your bully's on his
way up to see Jack.

- I don't wanna see this guy,

this is gonna be weird.

- You're a grown man,
it's not that big a deal.

- You don't understand.

I still have nightmares of
this guy towering over me.

- 'Scuse me. Looking
for Jack Gallo.

- That's the monster?
He's adorable.

- My god, he hasn't grown
an inch since sixth grade.

Looks like the bully is about
to become the bullied one.

Guess somebody
didn't drink his milk.

- Huh?

- I'm just saying, that
when I get my hair cut,

I don't have to sit
in the tiny airplane.

- Do I know you?

- Elliot DiMauro.
Elementary school.

- Garfunkel?

Oh, look at you!

Your hair's completely
receded to the back of your neck!

Wait, you still do
that weird thing

with your arms when
you get nervous?

- No.

- I still can't get this-

Hey Tony, did you find
me a new apartment?

- Oh, not one big
enough to house your ego.

Come on to the office,
we'll have a cigar.

- Alright.

Well, guess I'll
see you later, jerk.

- I can't believe they
thought you were Jack.

- First of all, I know this
magazine inside and out.

Alright, and secondly,
Norwegians are not a bright people.

- Jack's gonna find out you
pretended to be him. Mhmm.

- No he's not. They're on
a plane back to Norway,

no one's the wiser.

- Dennis. Dennis, I'm sorry
I was hard on you before,

you are an excellent
assistant. Yes you are.

My therapist says
I should hug more.

He said it'll help with
the mother dreams.

Thanks, boss!

That's great.
Awww, you see that?

I'm a genius. We should get
together, make smart children.

I assure you, the process
is quick but enjoyable.

- Hello, Mr. Gallo.

Hey, Magnus, Thor.

What are you guys doing here?

I thought you
were on a air icicle,

heading back home or whatever.

- We enjoyed
meeting you so much,

we decided to stay and
work out the deal in person.

- Great, let's go downstairs.

Grab a cup of
coffee, hammer it out.

- Oh actually, Mr. Gallo,

I just brewed a fresh
pot, just like you like it.

- Thank you Victoria,
you're a real treasure.

- Dennis. Dennis!

- Who is that?

- Oh, that's our
"special" mail guy.

He likes to say
his name out loud.

- Dennis, Dennis, Dennis!

Look, I did it myself.

- I better go give
him a chocolate,

he's been working
on that for four years.

Hey.

- Who are those guys?

- Oh, they're copier salesman.

- Jack.

- Yeah?
- Yeah?

- What are you doing?

- I don't know, I'm
not doing anything.

- Gallo.

- What?
- What?

- That. What is that?

- Listen, you wanna
deal with every salesman

that comes in here?
Let me do my job.

You scoot. Go on, go to lunch.

You did good.

Nice job, you almost
got me busted.

- You have got to
put an end to this,

he's gonna find out.

I know.

Alright, I'll end it right now.

- Gallo, you look stressed.

- I actually am, I
think we should talk.

- No, it is too much
business now.

You come back to
our suite at the hotel.

We drink, we steam,

we party with elegant
and discreet women

we obtain from the
back of the village voice.

So, are you coming?

Is my name Jack Gallo?

- Come on, sexier, sexier.

Don't buff him, dear,
he's not an end table.

No, I'm sorry, but Nina's right,

it's nothing personal.

It's just this video's
called "Dirty Girl"

and you're not
sufficiently dirty.

Chin up. You're a
special lady, number five.

- Nina.

- What are you doing here?

- You forgot to leave me a
key to Simon's apartment.

The doorman told
me you were here.

- Ah.

- Nina, who's this?

- Uh, this is Tess,
my friend's daughter.

The zoologist.

- Is this a bad time?

- No, no, it's never
a bad time for Tess,

my friends daughter,
the zoologist.

- Look, I don't want
to sound like a groupie,

but oh my god, Simon
Leeds, you are awesome.

If I were wearing
panties right now,

I would totally
throw them at you.

She's pretty dirty
for a zoologist, huh?

- Yeah she is, she's dirty.

I'd say she's a "Dirty Girl".

- Okay, I see
where you're going,

but no, I don't think
that's a good idea.

- No, it's fantastic.

She has a certain,
Nina-like quality. It's uncanny.

Don't be ridiculous.

- I think we've found our girl.

How would you
like to be in a video?

- Me? In a Simon Leed's video?

Oh my gosh, that's
awesome, I'd love to.

- Oh, great. We're
gonna make a sexy video,

and then you can
explain to me why

pandas don't mate in captivity.

- Oh my god, you
didn't go home last night.

You were out with
the Norwegians.

- That's right, sister.

Being Jack is the
most fun I ever had.

They were buying me drinks,
people treat me like a king.

I was taking a jacuzzi with
three babes, and for once,

I wasn't massaging
the old man's neck.

- Hey, baby. You're
a tall drink of water.

You should know, I'm
an excellent climber.

- Forget it Frodo,
you're not planting a flag

on this mountain.

- Hey, DiMauro, Jack around?

- No, he's out.

- Well, just tell him I
dropped off a listing,

and I'll be back in an hour.

Hey, what's on your shirt?

Oh!

- Don't let him get to you.

- I'm twice his size
and I'm still intimidated.

It's like I'm still an
eleven year old boy.

- You are not an
eleven year old boy.

- You're an eleven year
old girl, you big ballerina.

- What?

- You gotta even the
score by kicking his ass,

it's the only way you're
gonna feel good about yourself.

- You fighting
doesn't solve anything.

You need to talk to him.

You're a grown man,
you have an issue,

that is the way to get closure.

- You know what, you're right.

I should talk to him, that's
what a real man would do.

- Yeah, and after
you're done talking,

why don't you give
him a big French kiss?

- Eh, just see how
the talking goes.

- Okay, places people.

- I'm not sure
this is a good idea.

- Are you kidding?
I'm an actress.

This is my big break.

- Let me put it another way.

I forbid it.

- You can't forbid me.

- Oh yes I can. I am
your grandmother.

I can have you
institutionalized.

- No, you can't.

- My granny did it to me.

- And, action.

- No, no action.

- What?

- Well, you know,
the outfit is all wrong.

It leaves nothing
to the imagination.

What if we cover
her up with, I dunno,

a poncho or a lead apron?

- The outfits kind of saucy.

- And, action.

- Wait! I have an idea.

I mean, isn't fantasy better?

No really, how about this.

Instead of her
making out with Simon,

Simon is imagining her, right?

Check it out.

I'm right here, I'm sexy.

I'm your fantasy girl.

Oh, you can dream about me,

but you can't touch me.

Or even better.

I'm naked. You
can't see me because

I'm naked under my poncho.

- Okay, great,
we're not doing that.

Nina, if you don't mind,
could we please shoot here?

- Fine.

- And action.

- Enough, enough, enough!

No, she is not doing this.

- Why not?

- Because she is
my granddaughter.

- What?!

- That's right, I'm
her grandmother.

- In that case, I better take
my hand off her jublee's.

- Hey Tony, you got a minute?

- Yeah, sure.

Hey, what's that on your shirt?

- I'm not falling
for that again.

Look, I wanted to talk
to you about something.

Something personal.

- Yeah sure, what about?

- Well, you used to bully
me when we were kids,

and I just wanted to tell
you how upsetting that was.

- Really?

I never knew.

- Yeah, you made me look
stupid in front of the other kids.

I just thought we
could talk about it,

so I could finally close
that chapter of my life.

- Wow. This really
upset you, didn't it?

- Yeah, it had a huge
effect on my self esteem.

- Waaaaah.

Oh waaaaah.

The little baby lost
his little self esteem.

- Just cut it out, alright?

- Oh yeah? And what are
you gonna do about it, baby?

Huh? What are you gonna do?

- What are you gonna
do about it, huh?

What are you gonna do?

- What are you gonna
do about it, huh?

What are you gonna do?

- Congratulations.

You just beat up a tiny man.

- Nobody likes a bully, Elliot.

- Still dunno why we couldn't
sign the papers at the hotel.

- No, no, no, the
hotel is for pleasure.

The office is for business.

- Heh, you guys got a lot
of freakin' rules, don't you?

Alright, we're
signing, we're reading,

we're signing, we're scribbling.

Don't worry about the
little dots over the O's,

I believe you.

- Dennis? Dennis.

- Crap, give me a chocolate.

- What's going on here?

- Hello, Dennis.

I like chocolate, too.

- Dennis, outside, now.

Outside, right now.

- I better take him out,
he won't pee indoors.

- So. You're a grandmother.

- I am.

- You had a child,

who had a child.

- It's not as bad as it sounds,

we both got knocked
up before we could drive.

- Well, I think it's fantastic.

- You do?

- Yeah. You're a sexy grandma.

And I'm dating you, which
makes me a sexy grandpa.

And I've always wanted
to be a dirty old man.

Ooooh, what's this then?

- So, you really find this sexy?

- Oh, absolutely.

- Oh, then maybe granny
should go and put on an apron.

- Pappy would like that.

- What the hell
were you thinking,

stealing my identity?

Is there anything else you did

while you were
pretending to be me?

- Well, you might have given

a Danish prostitute
your credit card.

- This is unbelievable.

- I know, at first,

I just didn't want to tell
you I screwed up again.

But then, it was so
great being Jack Gallo,

I got carried away.

I mean, you must be
bored with it by now.

- Actually, it's pretty
fantastic all the time.

I know, just-

I've always kind of
wished I was you.

And, for two
days, I got to live it.

For once in my
life, I felt important.

- Gallo, are we
going to finish this?

- I'll explain everything.

- Mmm, no you won't.

Go and close the
deal, Mr. Gallo.

- Really?

- Yes, really.

- That's a very nice Rolex
you have there, Dennis.

- Thank you.

- Would you like to
trade it for a chocolate?