Just Shoot Me! (1997–2003): Season 7, Episode 1 - Guess Who's Coming to Blush - full transcript

Jack hires a woman off the street to run the desk, but the staff thinks it's just because Jack wants to seduce her.

- Okay, can we please
get this meeting started.


- Dennis, where's
the Sweet'N Low?

- Right here Chief, just
ask all the ladies (laughs)

- I think he meant the
other tiny pink package.

- Dad, you could
just have Equal.

- I know I could have Equal,

I could have honey,
molasses or fructose,

I could fly to Brazil,
grab a machete

and hack myself a
stalk of pure cane sugar

but I want Sweet'N
Low, but I can't have that

because apparently
everything I want is irrelevant.

- Wow, what's the
matter with him?

- Oh read between
the lines you idiot.

The man really
likes Sweet'N Low.

(upbeat music)

- Dad?

- You know I stare at this shelf

and I think of all the
time I spent trying to win

these little, brass trinkets

and I can't help but wonder...

- What's the point of it all?

- Why I don't have more.

- Okay, what's going on?

- Mia, Blush is in trouble.

Our circulation's slipping,
the advertisers are bailing.

- We've had dips before.

- Not like this, we're losing
touch with our readers.

The New York Post
thinks we're irrelevant.

Let me read to you exactly
how irrelevant they think we are.


- Jack, I checked every office,
ransacked the supply closet,

I even had to rabbit
punch a diabetic,

but I gots the
Sweet'N Low (laughs).

- Dennis, it's about
something a little bigger

than Sweet'N Low.

- Oh my god, you hate my coffee.

Hold it together,
hold it together (cries).

- Mia, this magazine
means everything to me

and I'm not ready
to let it fade away.

- Well, how can I help.

- That's just the thing.

Usually when there's
a problem I can reach

down into my gut
and I get the answer.

But I don't know, not this time.

I gotta get outta here.

(upbeat music)

- Michelle, you're gonna
have to print these again,

they're too dark.

- Sorry Elliot, I'm
just not myself.

- Couldn't help noticing
the lovely Michelle

seems a tab morose.

Could be time to make me move.

- What are you talking about,

Michelle would never go for you.

- Normally true but
there comes a time

in every woman's life
when she's so depressed

that the only thing lower
than her self esteem

is her standards.

And that my friend
is Finchy time.

A few quick questions,

how's she doing on the job?

- Not so well.

- Oh (laughs), future
bleak, excellent.

Has she been visited
by tragedy lately?

- Her uncle just passed away.

- Aww, wanted, small wispy
man to fill huge emotional void.

Any physical signs?

- She has put on weight.

- Sweet, junk in the
trunk is a Finch slam dunk.

Okay, too fat for tennis
it's time for the Dennis.

- You're pathetic.

- A little bit of blubber,
Finch buys a rubber (laughs).

Come on, that's
three right off the top.

- You guys, my dad is really
worried about the magazine.

I've never seen him so upset.

We've really gotta
roll up our sleeves

and help him turn
this thing around.

- Oh Mia dear, when a
man like Jack gets upset

it can only be about one thing

and that is his penis.

- I've gotta go with
Nina on this one.

- No, no, it's not about that.

He's panicked because
circulation is down.

- In his penis.

- He's afraid he's losing touch.

- With his penis.

- Stop, this is not
a mid-life crisis.

For 30 years every
time he's had a problem

he's always been able to
come up with an answer

and this time he's
convinced that he won't

be able to reach
down and find it.

- Don't make me say it.

(upbeat music)

- Now this, this is the
real magazine business.

No board meetings, no
focus groups, no payroll,

just you and the reader.

Pure, simple, you
sir are a lucky man.

- In my country I was
Minister of Finance.

- I'll have gum.

- Yeah, I'll have
InStyle, Elle and Blush.

Oh, you know what,
forget the Blush.

- Thank you, take your money.

- Excuse me, I
couldn't help noticing

that you didn't buy the Blush.

- So?

- Well, I'm just curious, but
what's wrong with Blush?

- I don't know, used to
be good, now it sucks.

The clothes are for
millionaires, pictures aren't sexy

and you know what, I don't
need 12 ways to fake an orgasm.

You got one good
one, you're covered.

- You are right,
you intrigue me.

- Yeah, I'm a delight, good bye.

- Wait.

- Are you touching my arm?

- I'm sorry, look, I
got a major problem.

I don't know what excites
young women anymore

and I need someone
like you to show me.

One hour, give you
a hundred bucks.

- Listen, I hear
you're going through

some hard stuff right now

and I want you to know
that I'm here for you.

- Really, you always
seemed like a self-centered,

horny pig who'd stop
at nothing to get laid.

- On the outside.

- It's nice of you to be
concerned but I'm doing okay.

- Okay, what about the
dead uncle who died?

I mean, the tragedy,
it's so terrible.

- It's been really hard,

but at least he's in
a better place now.

- Yeah, if you
believe in that stuff.

Snow ball?

- No, no I shouldn't.

- There's no
should or shouldn't,

only chocolaty pillows
wrapped in coconut hugs.


- You're a pig.

- Ignore him, I
think you're lovely.

- You've got quite a
little punch there lady.

- I am so sorry about
your eye Mr. Gallow.

I had no idea you
owned the magazine.

- Forget it, you
had a gut reaction

and that's what I'm looking for.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Now, when we
get up to the office

I want you to tell my staff
exactly what you told me.

Except that word
you called my mother.

It may be true,
but it's irrelevant.

Alright everybody,
gather around.

I want you all to
meet Vicky Costa.

She's gonna be sitting
in on our staff meeting.

Okay, what've you got?

- Some great, new ideas.

- And some cleverly
repackaged old ones.

- I guess I'll start.

I've reworked my layout.

- Oh dad, this is some of
Elliot's most cutting edge work.

- Mia flatters me
and with good reason.

Okay, it's the 15th century,

everybody's dying
from the Black Plague,

except for this woman, whose
dying for Jimmy Choo shoes.

- Vicky, what do you think?

- I'm not really comfortable...

- Oh come on, we have
no egos here, let her rip.

- Okay, they're a
little bit confusing.

- She hates them,
boring, pretentious

and artsy fartsy, next.

- Uh, all white.

An entire issue
in shades of white.

White fashions, white rooms

and I know it's edgy and
possibly illegal, all white people.

- You can't wear
white on the subway.

- No you can't.

Because if I'm not
mistaken the subway

is underground and dirty.

White's out.

This is great, this is creative.

Mia, what've you got?

- Okay, it's a six part series
called, Model Airplanes.

Get this, we explore how the
most beautiful women on earth

prepare for long flights.

We go inside the suitcases,
inside the carry ons,

even inside the makeup
bags of supermodels.

- And maybe, they're white.

- I can just see people
racing to the newsstand,

tearing open the
magazine and having

the time of their lives.

- Swing and a miss.

I love this girl, I love how
we're shaking things up here.

Nothing works, everything
goes, we're back on track.

- What's wrong, somebody die?

Was it someone close to you?

(upbeat music)

- Vicky what do you think,
Vicky what do you think?

Where does Jack get
off letting one of his little

girlfriends criticize my photos?

I'm Elliot Demoro.

- Yeah, and I'm Nina Van...

That's your last name?

- You guys, it's
not what you think.

You weren't there this morning.

If he brought this
woman in he has a plan.

- Oh yeah, he has a plan.

Undo three buttons, pop a clasp

and we're at the number
two train to hoo ha land.

And by that I mean sex.

- (laughs) Well, thanks,
I gotta get back to work.

- Oh no you don't, I want you

to work here for
Blush, full time.

- Look, I'm coming off
the worst week of my life,

I don't need some rich
guy messing with my head.

- Jack, Finch here,

this one's been here
longer than 10 minutes.

If you want I can call security.

They'll come up here
with their, rubber bullets.

- Who is this clown?

- Miss, I have a can of mace
and a coupon for a Judo lesson,

don't make me use them.

(karate sounds) Where am I?

- Vicky, I'm serious,
something about this feels right.

- Are you nuts?

- Come on, what do you say?

- I'm telling you guys
he probably found her

at some hip East
Village magazine.

I bet he's considering her
for a consulting position.

- Oh yeah, I know that position,

ankles locked behind head

and by that I mean sex.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Um, who would I talk
to about getting a desk.

- Why, what's going on?

- Jack just hired me full time.

- Oh wow, that's
exciting, right guys?

Okay, dish it, what magazine
did we steal you from?

- None, I've never worked
for a magazine before.

I work at a hair salon.

- A hair salon?

- Sorry, I'm a little confused.

- It's a place where
people who have hair go.

- Well, I see we've all
welcomed Vicky to the team.

Come on, I'll give
you a tour of the office.

- You're still on my list.

- Boo!

- You're lucky
I don't hit girls.

- So are you.

- I'm petrified yet aroused,
it's like a Cher concert.

(upbeat music)

- I just feel like
I've hit rock bottom.

- Excuse me.

(breath spray spritz)

- I know it sounds crazy,

but I feel very close to you.

- What we need is
a warm, safe place

where you can feel protected.

Let's go to the supply closet.

- I don't know.

- I've got Oreos.

- Fine.

- Michelle, I just
wanted to tell you

the last set of
proofs was terrific.

- Really?
- No, he's mocking you.

You cruel, sick man.

Now let's get you out of
these increasingly tight clothes.

- Not so fast.

She should know that
she has a future here.

- What good is a future
when Pakistan has the bomb?

- Listen to me, you're
beautiful, you're talented,

you have a light that
shines and never forget that.

- Thank you Elliot.

Maybe life's not so bad.

Maybe there's one
little sliver of hope

that things are gonna be better.

Then I can't do this.

- I know.

(upbeat music)

- A hair girl, he
hired a hair girl?

- It's a slap in the
face for everyone

who works at this magazine.

- Damn right, we
earned our positions here.

Hell, I've got a Masters in
Journalism from Columbia.

- And I've slept with god
knows how many heavy men.

Well my point is, we
both did it the hard way.

- You were so right
about my father.

He just wants to sleep with her

and here I've been
defending him.

Do you have any idea
how humiliating that is?

- Eighteen.
- What?

- Eighteen heavy men.

(knock at door)

- Excuse me, Mia, Jack
wanted me to look over

your articles for
the coming month.

- Vicky, could you
come sit down?

Um, I've got something
that I need to tell you

that may be a little
difficult for you to hear.

The only reason that
my father hired you

is because you're so attractive.

- That's not true.

- Oh dear, don't be
so hard on yourself.

You're mildly attractive.

- Look, I don't know if you're
threatened or something

but I'm here because
he likes my ideas.

- Oh honey, open your eyes.

You have no education,
no experience,

you were hired off the
streets by a chronic womanizer,

believe me, the only
reason you are here

is so that my father can
ride the number three train

to hee haw land.

- Hoo ha land.
- Hoo ha land.

- And by that we mean sex.

- Oh, there's my new girl.

- You sick, horny
slimeball, you disgust me.

- Excuse me, I'm not used
to being spoken to like that

by someone I'm not married to.

- Mia told me why you hired me.

I actually believed you
wanted my opinions.

God I'm an idiot.

- Wait, wait, hey!

Mia, my office right now.

What did you tell that woman?

- The truth, that you
wanted to sleep with her.

- How dare you.

I would never give
some woman a key job

in the editorial
department just because

I wanted to sleep with her.

Accounting maybe.

- Please, why would
you hire a hair stylist?

- Because she's raw,
she speaks from her gut

and she knows what readers want

and that's good
for the magazine.

- She's making everyone crazy.

- Good, creative
people do their best work

when they're angry.

Mozart threw
pastries at his cat.

- No he didn't.

- Maybe it was Billy
Joel, I don't care.

My point is when it
comes to hiring people

I trust my instincts.

The same instincts
I had when I hired

everyone else around here.

Many of whom did not
have the proper credentials.

Including you.

- What happened?

- I think I humiliated my father

and destroyed a woman
for no good reason.

- Well if it makes
you feel any better

I once took a
shower with Pavarotti.

Nineteen, nineteen heavy men.

- What do you want?

- Did you ever make a mistake?

Like a really big mistake
where you were like...

- Screw you Pete!

Your stuff will be
out on the street

you cheating sack of crap.

- Maybe this is a bad time.

- No, I'm glad you're here.

- Oh, good, because I
really want to apologize.

I made such a
big mistake before.

- Grab an end.

- You see, I have a
very complicated history

with my father, I don't
know if you've been

in a lot of therapy
but I certainly have.

- Just set it down right here.

- And, my father and I,
we have trouble speak...

(crashing sound)
- Thanks.

- So, you and this
Pete, a little friction?

- Hey, I heard you were down?

Oh, hey Mia.

I brought you an
apple Brown Betty.

Think we can heat it up?

- You're hitting on me?

You think you can slide
in because I'm down?

- What, that's insane.

I'm here to support and console.

But if things get a little
sweet and funky it's all good.

- Go home Finch.

- I can't, I spent all my
money on a cab to Brooklyn.

I was hoping to spend the night.

I'm sorry for being a romantic.

- Alright, I'll take you home,

just sit in the
corner and shut up.

So, Pete, he was your boyfriend?

- Husband.

Tuesday night I came
home and I found him in bed

with my best friend.

- Oh my god.

- A week ago we were talking
about growing old together.

Here I am throwing his
clothes out the window.

What is wrong with men?

- I don't know.

I hate us sometimes.

- I'm so sorry.

- I've done things.

- You know, when Jack
offered me the job I thought

maybe things were
turning around.

But let's face it, my life
doesn't happen like that.

- Terrible things.

- Well Vicky, I was wrong.

My father, he wasn't after you,

he really thinks
that you can help us.

I think you should come back.

- Who are we kidding?

You said it yourself,
I don't belong there.

- Neither did I when I started.

It's my dad, he sees things in
people that no one else does.

I really trust his instincts.

- I'll think about it.

You wanna know the kicker?

Pete doesn't even
care about Denise,

he used her for a night and
he dropped her like a brick.

- How is she taking it?

- So these pictures are great

but I was thinking maybe
you could cut the side.

They seem a little distracting.

- Cut the side
because it's distracting?

How bout my heart,
does that distract you?

How bout my liver,
should I cut that?

How bout my eyes,
my lungs my arms

my large intestines,
surely a pile of bones

can't distract you.

- Poor Elliot, he really
shouldn't take everything

at work so personally.

- I am so glad to
hear you say that

because I was looking at
the clothes for the next issue

and it's just an opinion
but they're not my favorite.

- Huh, at least I have breasts.

- Dad, I should never have
doubted you, you know people.

- I guess I do Mia,

look how everyone's
blending into a team.

- Look, I know we
got off to a rough start

but what do you
say, clean slate?

- You know what Vicky,
on top of everything else

you make a great cup of coffee.

- You bitch.

(upbeat music)

♪ Life keeps
bringing me back to you

♪ Keeps bringing me home

♪ It don't matter
what I wanna do cuz

♪ It's got a mind of it's own

♪ Life keeps
bringing me back to you