Just Shoot Me! (1997–2003): Season 7, Episode 2 - Mr. Jealousy - full transcript

- Now I've heard some of
you are feeling threatened

by my decision to hire someone
with no magazine experience

as our new creative consultant.

To clear things up,

I've asked Vicky to explain
exactly what she plans

to do here at Blush. Vicky.

- Thank you, Jack.
Well, first of all,

I am not going to pretend
that I know everything

about the magazine business.

- (thinking) You know,
maybe I have been too skittish

about Vicky.



I mean, it's good to have
another woman in a position

of authority, shattering
the glass ceiling,

skipping all the hurdles, like
the damn queen of the world.

Why doesn't my father love me?

- (thinking) Oh my
gosh, she is shameless.

Look at her, undressing
me with her eyes.

Easy cowgirl, it's gonna happen.

Because I'm Elliot Domorrow,
accent on the morrow,

because I give
the ladies morrow.

I'm gonna have to work on that.

- (thinking) If I ate
Count Chocula, a pop tart,

and a pack of sugar,
would I black out?

- Let's not give the
readers what we want,

let's give the readers
what they want, right?



- (thinking) Come on,
Vicky, drink the water.

The pills have dissolved
and you won't feel a thing.

Maybe if I drink mine.

- I just want you to know
that I feel really lucky

and really happy to be here.

- Thank you Vicky. Well
said. Any questions?

- Yes, um, which water is yours?

- That one.

- I'm gonna need a
safe place to mellow out

for six to twelve hours.

(jaunty music)

- I don't care about schedules.

I don't care about deadlines.

I told you, Catinka
doesn't want to shoot today.

- And why should you?

There's no on/off
switch. There's only you.

Catinka, the magnificent.

- Will you hold my
hand while I change?

- Does Kate Moss eat lip gloss?

- That rhymes and she does.

(audience laughing)

- Dude, she's hot.

You gonna Vladimir her Putin?

I'm sorry, was I
being to vulgar?

- Hey Finch, could you
check my dad's schedule?

I want to take him to lunch.

- Ooh, no can do.

Today's our traditional
thank you Dennis luncheon.

A reward for my total devotion,

which is why I got
my monthly shave.

- Everyone meet Talullah.

We met at a rave.

Well actually, I
was at the rave.

She was outside
screaming I love you

at a Mylar balloon.

- You smell like robots.

- Isn't she fabulous?

- Why is she here?

- I am holding a
mirror up to your father.

If Jack can bring in some
unqualified stranger like Vicky

off the street, then so can I.

- So you're exploiting
this poor woman?

- Oh, she's not a poor
woman. She's a baroness.

That's what it says on
her little cardboard crown.

- I want a sandwich.

- Okay, just pace yourself.

You want to have
plenty of crazy left

for when the old man gets here.

(audience laughing)

- Dennis, has Dick Clark
called about the dive trip?

- Oh, yeah. The plane departs
at seven, and by the way,

each guest is getting
a complimentary,

top of the line wetsuit.

- That egomaniac. Ever since
he started playing handball

with Joe Cocker, he'll do
anything to draw attention

to that tight little body.

Oh, look at the time,
we'll be late for lunch.

- Oh.

(phone ringing)

- Where are you going?

- With you, remember?

- Oh, that, look we're
going to have to postpone.

I'm taking Vicky out
to celebrate her arrival.

- All righty, Jack.

- Wait, wait. But we always
go on the first Tuesday.

We count down the days.

It's the only thing that
makes life worth living for us.

- Look, if you two have
plans, I could just get

something on my own.

- Good idea. I like
the cut of your jib.

Now, Sir, get ready to dirty
our chins with Mr. Tony Roma.

- Dennis, not today.
I'm taking you to my club.

- Wow. The club.

- Don't feed him broccoli.

He'll be murder in the limo.

- Jack! Following your lead,

I've brought in my
own creative consultant.

Meet Talullah.

- Oh, no thank you.

Nina, is this some lame
attempt to belittle my decision

to hire Vicky?

- And what if it is?

- Then you will feel the
feel force of my rage.

- Then that is
definitely not what it is.

No, no, Talullah is
a fashion maverick.

- Oh, excellent. I think
you'll make a great team.

You can spend the day working
together on the resort layout.

- Ah, of course. Thank you.

- Oil is squirting
out of my nipples.

(jaunty music) - What? Was
there a gas leak in the elevator?

- Here you go. We
didn't finish our dessert.

- Oh, funny, I was
gonna give you the bird.

- Vicky, I can't remember
when I've had so much fun.

Pop in anytime.

- Thank you. Thank you. I will.

- Just to clarify,
when he says pop in,

what he really means is,

always check in with me.

- Yeah, but that's
not what he said.

He said pop in anytime.

- Don't try to confuse me
with your words, all right?

A rule is a rule.

(audience laughing)

- What crawled into your cocoa?

- She got the pop in.

Nobody gets to pop in except me.

I hate her and her
bird full of stupid food.

- Let me teach you a
little something about

how to treat the new girl.

Lead with the carrot,
not the stick. Observe.

- Hey Vicky, listen, got a
little Domorrow tradition

I always buy the
newcomer a drink,

you know, just for the helliot.

- What?

- Just a funny name thing.

Anyway, how about that drink?

- Uh, Elliot, are you
asking me out on a date?

- Oh no, no, no, no, no, no.

- Thank God.

- Thank God I sleep with
a lot of beautiful women

because otherwise, that
might've hurt my feelings.

- Ugh, ouch. That must've
been demorrow-lizing.

Come on. That's funny
because you're hurt.

(audience laughing)

- Okay. Now you
have your grape soda

so just sit there quietly
while I try and get

some work done, hmm?

All right, so clearly it's not
just an orange soda problem.

Look, between you and me and
whoever else you think is here,

I brought you here to
make an ironic statement.

Now clearly it's
not panning out,

so I'd appreciate it if you...

Excellent, could you excuse
me for just one moment?

- What?

- Did you see that?

The pop in. That's
the fourth one today.

- Finch, it's not a big deal.

- It is a big deal.

If she has the
courage to trim his ears,

I'm out on my ass.

- Well, I can't get
any work done.

Why does Talullah
have to be so difficult?

- Could be the insanity.
Could be the sugar high.

- Look, if I don't
give her soda,

her engine will overheat

and then who will fight
the paperclip people?

Her words, not mine.

- Look, my dad is
making you work with her

to prove a point.

Why don't you just go to him

and admit what you've done?

- Because then Jack
will think I'm being

petty and mean spirited.

- And you brought
her here because?

- I'm bitter and vindictive.

There's a slight difference.

(audience laughing)

- Nina, what do
you want me to do?

- Nothing. Just lure her
to the top of the staircase

while I spread these
marbles around.

- Oh, I'm not going to do that.

- Oh, fine.

Then just keep her busy
while I finish the layout

for the resort issue.

- All right.

- Excuse me. Has anyone
seen my crazy person?

(audience laughs)

- I think it's a
mistake bringing Vicky

into our inner circle.

We have no idea who she is.

She could be anyone.

She could be Canadian.

- Dennis, none of that matters.

I like her.

Oh look, my wetsuit has arrived.

- All right. Nice.

- Oh, you ordered a medium?

- Yes. I wear a medium.

I may occasionally wear
an extra large for comfort

but I've been a medium
since Buster Crab and I

first went bone fishing.

I'll prove it to you,
Mr. Smart mouth.

Step outside and guard that door

while I leap into this thing.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What are you doing?

- Nothing. I'm just dropping
off an article for Jack.

- That's cool. Just as
long as you know his office

is strictly off limits.

- Look, I don't need your
permission to see Jack

and we both know that.

- I don't think so, Vivian.

- It's Vicky and I could go in

if I want to.

- Attencion. No
entrada. Verboten.

- Okay, that's it. Move.

- Don't do it.

- Move before I make you move.

- You'll be sorry.

(Jack screams)

- Oh!

- Jack, hide your shame.

- [Jack] Vicky, get out.

- Oh my God.

- No your other shame.

Oh, don't tug on the zipper.

(Jack gasping)

- Wow, that's gonna
attract a lot of fish.

(jaunty music)

- Why would she
just barge in here

after you told her not to?

- So she doesn't respect
your privacy or your authority.

Big freaking deal.

- It is a big deal.

She made me look ridiculous.

Now I got the...

- Really re-assert
your authority?

- Precisely,
because if I don't...

- You'll be seen as
fat and powerless?

- Why not?

Just keep her away
from me, Dennis.

But before you leave,
hand me the scotch.

I do not want to be sober

when they cut me
out of this thing.

(audience laughing)

- You set me up.

- I said don't go in there.

- But it was the
way you said it.

- Oh, quit your whining, Velma.

You mess with the bull,
you get the horns, all right.

So tata, baby go to sleep now.

What are you doing?

- Oh don't worry, Finch.

I'm not gonna touch you.

I'm just looking for the fear.

- What fear?

- What I do is figure out
what you're most afraid of,

then I strike.

- You have access to elves?

Answer me.

- Finch, did you by any
chance start a small campfire

in the ladies room.

- No.

- Damn, she's still here.

How can a fruitcake
with rainbow boots move

freely around this office
with nobody noticing her?

- I don't know.

- Elliot, that was incredible.

You didn't just photograph me,

you captured the real
person I pretend to be.

- If you're happy, I'm happy.

- See, that kind of blatant
fawning turns me on.

Too bad you're not my type.

- All right. What is your type?

- Blonde, quirky and
slight, like Sissy Spacek,

with a penis.

- Elliot, you wanted to see me?

- Yes. Yes. I've been thinking
about our last conversation

and I want to thank you

for having the courage
of your convictions.

- I'm not following.

- Come on. You know
if this thing happened,

look out, right?

We've got this Mediterranean
Chianti craziness

and once we uncork that jug,

you know we're
gonna drink it dry.

It's good. It's good
that you've got a policy

against dating
guys in the office.

- I don't have a policy.

- And then Vicky says to me,

I'm not gonna touch you.

What does that mean?

- What does it mean when
other women say it to you?

- It's the way she said it.

- It may not be bad.

You know, one summer,
I had this problem

with this Turkish
girl at science camp.

- Yeah and you bitched about it

until your dad gave
you a mountain of cash.

The end. Nina, your thoughts?

(clanging and thumping)

- Oh my God, she's
in the air ducts.

- Watch your back with Vicky.

She's evil, man.

She messed with your mind

and stomps on your soul.

- Have you been crying?

- A little, yes.

- That's it. I'm going
on the defensive.

We're at Finch com
one people. Boop. Boop.

- Oh my God, he's gorgeous.

Those soft features,
that slender neck.

Those tight buttocks.

He's pure Spacek.

I'm assuming he has a penis.

- When was the last
time you ate something?

- I don't know. When was June?

Excuse me, I don't
mean to be forward but,

are you busy this evening?

- What? Are you kidding me?

Of course I'm not.

Why? Whoa, whoa, whoa.

I see what's going on.

Let me guess. You
find me attractive.

- Yes. Yes, I do.

- And you'd like to
have relations with me?

- If that means sex, then yes.

- All right, I'll
have sex with you.

But I just want you to know,

I'm a very selfish lover.

I start about an
hour before you do

and finish with lightning speed.

I cry during the
act and afterwards,

I feel ashamed and
take pictures of you,

which I put on the internet.

- You disgust me,
and not in a good way.

- That's right, go over
there and tell your friend,

Vicky your plan to
humiliate me didn't work.

That's right, walk right past
her like you don't know her.

Get on the elevator
like you don't know her.

Oh my God, you don't know her.

Wait! The internet
part wasn't true.

(jaunty music)

- Maya, Maya, I am
in so much trouble.

I can't find Talullah anywhere.

- She's probably hiding
because she's scared.

- Oh please, for all we know
she could be running around,

hopped up on pills and
brandishing a handgun.

- Oh my God, she
stole your purse.

- Welcome to my nightmare.

- Here's the plan.

I stand here and never move,
that way, she can't get me.

- Well, what if you have
to go to the bathroom?

- Got that covered. It's
called the Trucker's Buddy.

I may smell like a nursing home,

but I stay on the job.

- Come on, man. You can't
let her get to you like this.

I mean, sure, earlier today
she had me off my game

but I bounced back.

- Have you been drinking?

- A little, yes.

- What do you want?

- Nothing. I know Jack is
meeting with Dick Clark,

so I wanted to drop
off this thank you gift.

- Thank you gift. I
don't know anything

about a thank you gift.

- Jack mentioned that
he wanted to give a gift

to Mr. Clark for the dive trip,

so I took the liberty of
picking something up myself.

So if you don't mind,
I'll just bring it in.

- Oh I mind.

I mind quite a bit.

- Cool, then be my guest.

- That was easy. Too easy.

Whoa. Whoa. You want
me to give this to Mr. Clark

because Jack will be
embarrassed by its contents

and I'll be blamed. Clever.

- Fine, then I'll bring it in.

- Whoa, not quite.

So you can get back
into Jack's good graces?

Nice try.

- Then you take it.

- Okay, no. Okay, no. Wait.

Oh, I see what you're doing.

You got me on the freakout loop.

Where you're all,
I'm gonna get you.

And I'm all, when's
the ax gonna drop?

Well guess what?

I'm on to you.

There ain't no ax because
you don't gots the onion, sister.

So, if you'll excuse me, I
have a package to deliver.

Jack, Mr. Clark,
sorry to interrupt,

but I picked up the thank
you gift for your gracious host.

- Dick.

- Oh, Jack, oh,
this is gorgeous.

- Glad you like it.
Good work, Dennis.

- Is there a reason it seems
to be bonding to my flesh?

(audience laughing)

(jaunty music)

- Dick, please, try to
see the humor in this.

- Gallo, if they can't pry
this off by new year's eve,

I will destroy you.

- Jack.

- Dennis, as a result
of your monkey shines,

I've been uninvited
from the dive trip,

the golf tournament
and the omelet party

and I just bought
a platinum whisk.

- Jack, it wasn't me.

- And anyway, I got two
tickets to the Yankee game.

Want to join me?

- Wow. A luxury box?
I'll go get my purse.

- I'll be waiting in the limo.

- You set me up.

- Well, I may not gots
the onions, brother,

but I made you cry so tata.

Baby go to sleep now.

(applause)

- Psst.

Look, this may be
none of my business,

but I think you should
cut Finch some slack.

- Why would I want to do that?

- He's obsessed with my dad.

Hangs on his every word.

Constantly seeks his approval,

not that he's ever gonna get it.

Who can? When your
father's the great with holder.

- What?

- Nothing.

Anyway, Finch is cockroach
but he's our cockroach

and my dad means
the world to him,

so, just take that
under consideration.

- Listen, maybe I was
a little bit harsh on you.

- Hey, I don't need your pity.

This is D. Finch
you're talking to.

Okay? I'm a rock
in a bullet proof vest,

in a castle with a moat
and guns sticking out.

Anyway, I'm fairly protected.

- Hey, I know, I know.

I was just gonna
offer you this ticket

so you and Jack
could go to the game,

maybe mend some fences.

But I know you're
probably too proud.

- Tata. Baby go to game now.

(audience laughing)

- Oh hey Elliot. Look it
turns out that I'm free tonight

so if you still want
to get that drink?

- Oh wow, that sounds great.

Unfortunately, I don't
have time to indulge

your little mind games.

I have other plans.

You see, I just met a baroness.

- I want a sandwich.

- And sandwich you
shall have, my lady.

(jaunty music)

♪ Life keeps bringing
me back to you,

♪ Keeps bringing me high,

♪ It don't matter
what I want to do

♪ Because it's got
a mind of it's own.

♪ Life keep bringing
me back to you.