Just Shoot Me! (1997–2003): Season 6, Episode 3 - The Two Faces of Finch: Part 2 - full transcript

Finch dates the woman who shares his personality. Nina doubts her ability to negotiate a raise from Jack, and Maya wonders if her raises are just because she's his daughter.

- Finch, when it
comes right down to it,

wouldn't you say that you
and I are the best of friends?

- No, and I'm not
negotiating your raise for you.

- Nina, what's the big deal,
why don't you do it yourself?

- You don't know the
kind of mind games

your father can play.

- It's just a salary review,

it's not like it's the
Paris Peace Awards.

- Yeah, if only.

Kissinger I knew
how to deal with.

Tickle spot, left ear.

It was like biting
into a warm brownie.

- Nina, you just gotta
be tough with my dad.

You can't let him set the
rules of the negotiation.

- Nina, you want to come in?

- No, Jack, I
want to do it later.

- Fine by me, we'll do it later.

- Oh, you'd love that, wouldn't
you, you sneaky bastard?

- Hey, Finch, I got a
call about a disturbance.

- What is it?

- Apparently, someone's
being too sexy for this office.

- Yeah, yeah, strip search,
penal codes, I'm under abreast.

- Okay, more
walkie, less talkie.

- Hey, Betsy still after you?

- Yeah, I keep rejecting her

and she keeps
coming back for more.

It's sad, really.

When a girl does it.

- I don't know, maybe
you should ask her out.

- Dude, we're like
the same person.

If I want to make
love to myself,

I already know a guy and I
don't gotta buy him dinner first.

- Ha ha ha, oooooooh!

- See, right there,
that thing you just said,

and this "ha ha ha oooooooh."

See, when most women see that,

they, how do I put
this, they run away, fast.

- But not fast
enough! Ha ha, rawr!

- All I'm saying is
that some people

spend their whole
lives searching

for someone who
totally gets them,

who sees the world
through their eyes.

This could be fate.

- You sound like a girl
sometimes when you talk.

- We're done here.

- Hey, Finch.

I forgot what time you said
you were picking me up tonight.

- I didn't, I'm not
going out with you.

- I'm pretty sure
you said you were.

- It's not gonna work.

- Finch!

- I can't believe you
think of me like that.

Aw, see, I know all your tricks.

And now here come the tears.

They're real, courtesy of a
firm pinch to the underarm.


Now you're gonna say, "Is
this the last time I get to stare

"into your deep green eyes?"

And I say, "I got
them from my mother."

And you say, "I bet
your mother knows

"that deep down you're
just a tiny baby boy

"made of gumdrops and cashmere."

But it's not gonna work, so
now what do you have to say?

- I think about you
when you're not around.

- Oh my God, you're the one!

- It's true, on
occasion I leave early,

but always with good reason.

- You had 27 dentist
appointments last year.

- I have diseased gums.

- 16 funerals.

- Diseased friends.

- 104 trips to the hair salon.

- Okay, now those
were actually legit.

You know, this
doesn't just happen.

- Well, I have to say,

you still manage to do a
pretty good job around here.

I'm giving you a 5% raise.

- Thank you, that's
more than generous.

- Unless...

- No, no, no, please
don't, don't "unless" me.

- Unless, instead of the 5%,

you'd rather have
what's inside this box.

- Jack, how stupid
do you think I am?

- You're right,
what was I thinking?

A 5% raise it is.

- Well, you took that
away pretty quickly.

- You said you didn't want it.

- Yes, but you barely
tried to talk me into taking it.

- Actually, Nina, I
think you're smart

to take the sure thing.

- Oh my God, man,
now you're actively trying

to talk me out of
taking the box?

- Hey, if you want the
box, you can have the box.

- You're damn
right I want the box.

- Aw, Nina, the box?

- All I got was this awful
picture of this hideous baby.

- That's me, Nina.

- Well, I should have guessed.

Last year, I got your
awful prom picture.

- You just have to take a
hard line with my dad, like I did.

I walked in there, I
wanted 15%, I got it.

- Wait a minute, you mean
Jack didn't even counter?

- Nope, not at all.
You know why?

Because he knew I wasn't
gonna give any ground.

- Oh, wait, wait, I get it.

You're Jack's daughter, so
he gave you what you wanted.

- Okay, I know you're feeling
a little foolish right now...

- All right, please, please.

I'm surprised he
didn't get you a pony.

He got you a pony?

- Penelope is a
full grown horse,

and it happens to
be my half birthday.

- Fine, fine, you
just go on pretending

that you deserved that raise.

But I, for one, am going
to walk out of this office

with my head held high,
because I may have gotten nothing,

but at least I earned it.

- Any messages?

Hello, Maya.

- I need to talk to
you about my raise.

- Wow, you're really
playing hardball.

I'll go to 20%, but
that's my final offer.

Oh, what the hell,
I'll throw in a saddle.

And maybe some
cute little cowboy boots.

- I thought we were past this.

I thought you were
finally treating me

like any other employee,
but clearly you don't negotiate

with me like anyone else.

- That's not true, Muffin.

- Do you call anyone
else Muffin around here?

- If anyone else was as
sweet as a Muffin, I would.

- Dad, nobody's perfect.

If you wanted to
criticize me, you could.

- You do a great
job, what can I say?

- You could say that I haven't
taken a leadership role here,

despite the fact that
you've asked me.

You could say that I
zone out in layout meetings

and I never say anything
but "Sounds good,"

or "Fresh approach."

You could say that I
constantly submit articles

that don't belong
in this magazine.

You could say a
lot if you were willing

to treat me like everyone else.

- Ah.

- Yes, okay, now.

Let's start the
negotiations again.

I would like a 15% raise.

- I can barely look
at you right now,

and you're asking for a raise?

- What?

- How could I
have been so blind?

- Are you kicking me out
of your office right now?

- Are you zoning out right now?

Hello? Hello?

Some half birthday
this turned out to be.

- Hey, Elliot.


- I have something for you.

- Oh, what could it be?

A thank you card, with kittens.

- For putting in a good
word for me with Finch.

- Thanks for helping meowt.

- God, I hate giving
that card away.

- Well, you know,
I'm just thrilled

that the two of you
are so happy together.

It's like you two
are really soulmates.

- Do you think he'd like it

if I filled my
underpants with candy?

- Why wouldn't he?

- Hey, listen, we'd
be super pumped

if you'd be our special
guest tonight for dinner.

You know, just to
say thanks and all.

- Sure, that'd be great,
can I bring anything?

- Maybe some wine,
cheese, a few burgers.

- You guys really are
perfect for each other.

- Yeah, it's nice.

I'm just so happy.
- I'm glad.

- You want to grab some lunch?

- Oh, I can't, I
got a ton of work.

- Oh, well just
give me $20 then.

- What? Why?

- Well, you were
gonna treat, right?

- I might have offered
if we went, but...

- Okay, fine, we'll
play out the game.

Oh, silly me, I
forgot my wallet.

- Nina, I am not in
the mood for this.

I just went in there,
I asked my dad

to treat me like everyone else

and he pulled the
raise off the table.

In fact, he thinks
I'm doing a bad job.

- You short, stupid fool.

You're not doing a bad job,
he just wants you to think that.

You went in there and asked him

to be tough and he got tough.

- Oh my God, you're right.

- He's playing you.

Playing you like the shortest,

stupidest fiddle
in the building.

- You know, he
just tricked you, too.

You're not so smart yourself.

- Hey, careful, Maya.

Some things can
never be taken back.

- The important thing
is that if my dad thinks

the game is over, he
is in for a real surprise.

Now all I need is a plan.

A well thought out plan.

- $20 will get you such a plan.

- Hey, Finch, can I talk to you?

- Look what Betsy
got me: frozen yogurt!

And a little tiny spaceship.

Danger, big sweaty
asteroid, abort mission.

- Stop it, all right.
About Betsy.

Look, I know I kind
of talked you into her,

but maybe I was wrong.

- Are you kidding?
She's perfect.

I like the way she
moves, the way she talks,

the way she looks, she's me.

Except with little
squeeze-y fun-bits.

- What do you do to every
woman you go out with?

- I screw them over.
- Exactly!

I'm worried that Betsy's
gonna do the same thing to you.

- No, no, Betsy would
never do that to me.

You know how I know?

Because I would never
do that to her, see?

- She kissed me.
- What?

- She invited me over to dinner,

and then she kissed me,
hard, all over my mouth.

- Of course she did,
she's messing with you.

She's trying to distract you.

- No, I don't think so.
- Check your pockets.

- Pudding!

In my new jacket!

- Yeah, I knew it'd be there,
'cause that's what I would do.

See? You're such an easy mark,

we laugh about it all the time.

- Fine, fine, everybody
laughs at Elliot, all right?

I'm just trying to help.

- Look, why don't you
come to dinner tonight?

You'll see that you're wrong.

- Okay.

- Okay. And sorry
I snapped at you,

you're just trying
to help me, brother.

Give me a little
hug, there you go.

All right, go.

- You just put
yogurt in my pocket.

- Ah, mostly fudge
and nuts, actually.

- I don't know.

Sure, Maya's performance
is a little lacking,

but maybe that's because
she's not happy here.

What if she's staying because
she knows that's what I want?

And if that's true,

what kind of a father am I?

- Do you think
it's weird for a guy

to take the girl's name
when they get married?

- Just send Maya in.

- Maya, you're up.

- Whew, okay, now my
father's going to find out

I have a few mind
games of my own.

Let the negotiations begin.

- Rule number one,
don't take the box.

- Look, there's no easy
way for me to tell you this,

so I'm just gonna say it.

I've got a job offer
from The New Yorker.

- That's huge!

- It is huge, and I'm
seriously considering taking it.

- Considering?
You have to take it.

- What?

- Maya, you're my
daughter, and I love you.

Take that job, with my blessing.

- So, how did it go?

- Brilliantly.

I mean, there was a moment
where he almost had me

but then I upped the ante.

Then he started to
lay it on really thick.

I love you, blah blah blah,

like I'm gonna
fall for that crap.

- Maya, you are my hero.

So, how much is he giving you?

- Oh, we haven't
talked dollar figures yet,

but we are definitely
in the end game.

- So why are we
packing up your office?

- Oh, this is the best part,

I told him I had
to start right away.

- Hold on, he's actually
letting you take the job?

- He's not only letting
me, he's encouraging it.

- I don't think Jack
is playing a game.

- Well, of course he is.

- No, Maya, he is
actually going to let you go.

Which reminds me
of my friend Benny,

when she had to
let her daughter go.

She dropped her off at nursery
school and never looked back.

She's the strongest
woman I know.

- Anyway, um...

I've got my father
right where I want him,

and when he sees me
leaving with these boxes

he is gonna block the
exits with bales of money.

- No, he's really not.

So, I guess this is farewell.

- He's not gonna let me go.

- Okay, good luck out there,

and if you run into
Benny's daughter,

tell her Aunt Nina says hello.

God, she must be 16 by now
and running naked in the park.

- So long, Eric.

Cade, it's been a pleasure.

Steve, you keep on
reaching for the stars.

Goodbye, Finch,
I'm off to my new job.

- So what, now
you're boring and loud?

- Oh, gosh, I dropped my box!

- What's all the noise?

- I think Maya's drunk.

- Oh, dad, I'm so
sorry to disturb you.

But as long as you're here,
you might as well know.

I'm going now.

- So, I guess this is it.

- Yep, I'm really leaving.

Don't try and stop me.

- I can't believe I won't
be seeing you every day.

- Although, if you tried,
I wouldn't be offended.

- Good luck, sweetheart.

- Okay, you win!

- Win what?

- Stop it, stop it, stop it!

You're the toughest
negotiator, there, I said it.

I just don't want to
play this game anymore.

- The game?

- Yeah, I mean, you
really had me going

the way you couldn't look at me

and how you made
me feel that you thought

I wasn't doing a very good job.

- Right, the game.

- Hey, when were
you gonna stop me?

On the elevator or in the lobby?

- One of those.

You know, sweetheart,
if you ever felt leaving

would make you happy, I
wouldn't stand in your way.

But I'd miss you terribly.

- Don't worry, I'm
not going anywhere.

- You know what
would make me happy?

If I could get a picture of
you riding on your new horse.

- You're just gonna give
it to Nina, aren't you?

- The box doesn't
fill itself, Maya.

- Hey, dinner smells great.

- Oh, I'm just so
glad you could come.

- Oh, present.

- I was window shopping
today and these caught my eye.

- Pornos.

Ooh, and they're classics.

Lawrence of Ababia,
Diddler on the Roof,

It's a Wonderful Threesome.

- Check it out, you get five
porno points for each one.

- Oh, you know what, I'm
gonna check the catalog.

We might have enough for a raft.


- Do you think he liked them?

- Oh, yeah, I don't remember

the last time I saw
him this happy.

The gift was perfect.

- I was thinking
maybe after dinner

we'd pop in It's a
Wonderful Threesome.

- I'm not much of a porno guy.

- Are you sure? It's
about threesomes.

- Yep, I figured as
much from the title.

- Two guys and a gal.

Nothing like a girl sandwich
on man-bread, huh?

- Not much of a
sandwich guy either.

- No raft, but we did win a
trip to Colonial Williamsburg.

- Well, who's up
for cheeseburgers?

- Hey!

- My secret is, I take three
different kinds of cheeses

and I smoosh them all together.

- Finch...
- She's great, isn't she?

- Finch, she spent the whole
time you were in the other room

talking about It's a
Wonderful Threesome.

- Oh, yeah, you've gotta see it.

There's this line in there,
"Every time a woman climaxes

"an angel gets his wings."

If that doesn't bring
a tear to your eye,

sir, you are not alive.

- She wasn't talking
about the movie

to talk about the movie.

It felt like she was
laying the groundwork

for you and me and her to...

- Oh, get out of here,
no, no, no, c'mon.

- Here we go.

- Hey, cheeseburgers look great.

- Hey, who wants ketchup?
- Oh, I do, I do.

- Oh, look at me.

I am such a klutz.

Look, why don't you guys
just take your shirts off.

I'll toss them in the machine

and I'll find you something
to wear in the meantime.

- That's okay, I'm
fine with a little wine.

- Oh, here, let me
get that for you.

I am just making things worse.

Oh, come on, just
gimme your shirt,

I'm washing Dennis' anyway.

I'm so sorry.

There you go,
I'll be right back.

- You're right, I should
probably wait 'til she comes back.

- Finch, she's undressing us.

- What? It's called hospitality.

You wouldn't know about it,

Mr. Only Brings
Two Pounds of Meat.

- You know what, I'm
done trying to convince you.

From now on I'm just
going with the flow.

- Thank you.

- You know, I realized I'm
not gonna have anything

that's gonna fit you guys.

- Oh, that's no problem.

Shirts can only get in the way

of what is a perfectly
normal evening.

- Oh, I love this
song, let's dance.

- Oh, sure, why not.

I mean, what could
conceivably be weird

about three people
dancing, you know?

Certainly not the fact that
two of us have our shirts off.

- How 'bout a little less
lip and a little more hip?

- This is nice.

- See, it is, isn't it?

- Hey, you know, my sound system

in the bedroom is much better.

Should we just dance in there?

- Can't argue with that logic.

What do you think, Finch?

- Her sound system
actually is better.

- Yeah, so what are
we waiting for then, huh?

Oh yeah, this evening is just
getting more and more normal.

- Oh my God, I
can't believe you.

- I swear that was a dance move.

- Elliot, can you leave?

I need to talk to Betsy.

- Yeah, but what about my shirt?

Dude, I have to take the subway.

- How could you?

- Dude, a threesome
is the ultimate.

- Yeah, when it's two
girls, your way is just weird.

- Fine, you know, I just thought

it would be something
special, okay?

I'm sorry. Let's
just move past it.

- I don't think we can.

- But, I thought it was perfect.

I mean, we're so
much alike, remember?

- That's the problem.

We're both beautiful and smart,

but we're also
selfish and sneaky.

Face it, we could never
trust each other again.

- But I'm willing to
change if you are, too.

- I know all your tricks.

I should go.

- Dennis, come on,
you don't have to go.

- I do.

If you stay with me,
you'll never be happy.

And if I stay with you, you'll
make me do it with a guy.

- I won't.

- You will.

Goodbye, Betsy.

- How about one last
go, for old time's sake?

- I don't think so.

- I have a pound of
jellybeans in my underpants.

- Okay, let's go.

♪ Life keeps
bringing me back to you

♪ Keeps bringing me home

♪ It don't matter
what I wanna do 'cause

♪ It's got a mind of its own

♪ Life keeps
bringing me back to you