Just Shoot Me! (1997–2003): Season 6, Episode 2 - The Two Faces of Finch: Part 1 - full transcript

Finch reveals his personality is not his own but one he ripped off a girl he knew earlier in life. Jack asserts his alpha-male status when Elliot refuses to share his cannolis.

- Ooh, cannolis.


- See what this says?

- Elliot DiMauro.

- Uh-huh, that
means that this box

and its contents are for me.

Not for you, not for him,
not for her, not for them.

For me.

- So glad we're
not dating anymore.

- Every time I bring something
special into this place,

it disappears every time.

- Aw.

- Ooh, cannolis.

- Ah!

Let me be perfectly
clear, all right?

These cannolis are for me.

They're from
Masacato's in Jersey.

My mother stood in line,

in the sun, and
her hair is thinning.

- Excuse me, can I have
your attention, please?

- Gather 'round.

Jack is too old and wealthy
to walk to other people.

Come on.

- Thank you, Dennis.

Quick announcement.

I've given this a lot of thought

and I feel the
all G-string issue

is the wrong direction
for this magazine.

- Dad, I for one
stand behind you.

- Instead we're doing a
feature on nipple glitter.

- Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

♪ They're bright and sparkly

♪ I touch 'em in the darkly

Classic Finch.

That's good stuff.

- Dennis, when you're
done slapping yourself,

try slapping
these into the files.

- Ooh, new hires, gather 'round.

See if there's any fresh meat.

All right, that's a guy.

- Mine.

- Guy.

Girl, little tubby.

Oh my god.

- What's the matter, Finch?

You're as white as a ghost.

- Betsy Frayne?

This can't be.

Who's Betsy Frayne?

- New security guard.

I can't believe she's here.

I gotta hide.

- Wait, wait, wait.

What's this all about, man?

- I knew this chick
in junior college.

She's a total whack job.

She's obsessed with me.

Like dangerously,
crazy obsessed with me.

I'm in real trouble here.

- That's a good one, Finch.

You almost had me.

- I'm serious!

She wouldn't leave me alone.

Went to my dorm,
Betsy was there.

I went to class,
Betsy was there.

Archery team,
tumbling, girl's lacrosse.

I won a lawsuit.

Anyway, she was stalking me

and now my nightmare's back.

I need my special time.

- Wait a minute!

What's your special time?

- He likes to sit in your
chair with his pants off.

It calms his down.

- Oh my god, why is
he being so dramatic?

- Oh, don't worry about it.

He'll be out in a minute.

- Hey, hey, hey.

What's up, people?

- See, and here he is now.

Wait, oh, oh my god.

A-Betsy A-Frayne
at your service.

I'm gonna be
covering this floor.

I thought I'd drop by
and introduce myself

to the new boss, Mr. Jack Gallo.

♪ He's rich and portly

♪ I hope to meet him shortly

Classic Frayne.

That's good stuff.

Use it.

- Uh, Mr. Gallo's
really busy right now.

- I think that
bra's a little busy.


A plus.

- We have a close
friend who often says

things like that.

- Ooh.

Mmm, who ordered
the intern sandwich?

Hold the nothin'.

All you can eat.

- Oh my god, this
is really creepy.

- Yeah, but at
least Finch is safe,

sitting half-naked
on your chair.

- She, she even gave
herself a high five?

- Mmm-hmm.

A high five, the
voice, the gestures.

Finch, she is you
with a loaded weapon.

- What do I do?

This woman is dangerous.

- All right, you know,
I'm sure everything

will be fine, but I just
think for safety's sake

that you should
carry a gun, too.

- Ho, ho, ho.

- Nina, I don't think
that's such a good idea.

- You're right.

The recoil would just
knock him on his ass.

Here, try this.

Just remember, it's stab
and twist, stab and twist.

- Hey everyone.

Have any of you by chance
met the new security guard?

- Oh, Dad, that
woman is a psycho.

She's turned herself into Finch.

- Thank god.

I was afraid all young
people had started

rhyming and dancing.

- She's been obsessed
with Finch since college.

She has patterned
herself on him completely.

- God, there is so much
gunk in the barrel of this gun.

- Jack, she's gonna come up here

and she's gonna see me
and then I'm dead, dead!

- Don't worry, Dennis.

I'm gonna call the
head of security.

We're gonna make
sure you're safe.

Can't get gunk out!


- I'm gettin' out of here.

- You!

- You!

- You!

- Quick, form a
circle around me.


- I've been waiting
15 years for this,

you little tapeworm.

- Code red, code red.

She's up here now.

Get up here!

- All right, you stay away
from him, you little twerp.

- Little twerp?

I'm not a twerp, he's the twerp.

- We know what
happened in college.

- Co, what did you tell them?

- Oh, we know how you
stole his entire personality.

- I didn't steal his.

He stole mine!

- What?

- What?

He even Single White
Female'd my sweet, sweet ass.

- She's tryin' to
turn it around.

That's called a flippity-flop.

- Oh yeah, it's a floppity-flip,

that's what I'm talking about.

He took that from me.

- Well, don't
listen to her lies.

That's so mine.

- Oh yeah, why don't I just
get the freshman yearbook

and then we'll see what we see.

- We'll see what we see.

- We'll see what we see, uh!

- Get her out of here!

She's fired!

- Fired?

All right, hold back her arms

and I'll shoot her in the knee!

- This isn't over, Finch!

124 Church Street, apartment 4A!

He'll be there all night!

- Nina, that's my address.

- True, but at least
Finch will be safe.

- All right.

Excuse me.

What did I say before?

- That Maya's face
looked puffy this morning?

- I did not say that.

- No, that's right.

No one said it, but it was
the elephant in the room.

- I said no one was
to touch my cannolis.

I even wrote my name on the box,

and yet a cannoli is missing!

- Oh, Elliot, calm down.

- I will not calm down!

Now I demand to know
who took my cannoli!

- Elliot, these
cannolis are fantastic.

- Huh?

- I love them.

Waht's inside here?

Magic cheese?

- Uh, Jack.

Uh, did you see my
name on the box?

- Of course I did.

That's why you're
getting the big thank you.

- Oh, okay, you're welcome.

- Amazing.

It's like having a
hot dog for dessert.

- Well?

- Well what?

- There goes your
cannoli thief right there.

- I know.

It's like he has no boundaries.

He's like a wealthy bear.

- Oh, I see what's happening.

You're too frightened
to stand up to my father.

- I am not frightened.

- Elliot, studies of
animals show that

every social group
has a pecking order

and in this case as the boss,

my father is the alpha
male and you're his bitch.

- It's true.

Everybody thinks so.

- I'm not afraid.

Maybe I overreacted earlier,

but it was just one cannoli.

I still have two left.

- Screw the diet.

The vest holds everything in.

Ha ha!

Mr. Finch, this is Dale from

the boys department at Sears.

We finished the alterations
on your son Dennis's pants.

Finch, it's Betsy.

I'll never forget this.

Never, never,
never, never, never!


- Finch, was that Betsy Frayne?

- Don't worry about it.

- What's going on?

- Finch is getting threatening
messages from Betsy Frayne!

- It's no big deal.

- Betsy Frayne, the
psychopath who made fun

of Maya's bra?

- Yes, and she's
still after Finch.

I'm calling the police.

- Forget the police.

I know the DA.

- Screw the DA.

He'll drag this on for years.

We'll handle it our way.

- Stop it.

You guys can't call the police.

- What are you talkin' about?

I mean, she's stalking you.

She stole your
entire personality.

- Sort of, yeah.

- Wait a minute, what
do you mean sort of?

- I was 18 and didn't
really know who I was.

I was at the freshman
mixer at my college

in what I call my
second puberty.

- Denny, let's go.

I hate this.

- Come on, Richie,
just give it a chance.

- Let's go back to the room.

The network premier of
Goonies is on in 10 minutes.

- We saw it seven
times in the theater.

Oh, she smells nice.

And I bet she's
a good Christian.

Hello there.

My name is Denny Finch.

I'm an entering
freshman from Albany.

I enjoy puzzles,
both jigsaw and 3D.

- Happy now?

- Let's go.

- Excellent.

I will go get our bicycles.

- And I'll race you up the hill.

- Oh Denny, these
good times will never end.

- Hey, hey, hey, people!

Listen up.

Let's get out of here
and take the party

back to my place.

♪ We'll drink and dance

♪ And sweat right
through our pants

Good, more for me.

Hey, everybody dance!

Okay, just me.

- What a clown.

Everyone's looking at her.

- Yes, everyone.

- Denny, let's go.


What is happening to you?

- So that's pretty much it.

Dyed my hair,
changed my wardrobe,

dropped all my old friends,

got new contacts and here I am.


Feels good to
get it off my chest.

- So you lied
about what she did.

- Um, I wouldn't call it lying.

It's more like folklore.

Like Bigfoot or female clitoris.

- So we had a totally
innocent woman

dragged from the building.

- And I had her fired.

- It's a dead-end job.

We did her a favor, come on.

- But you just can't act
like everything's fine.

♪ It's fine like wine

♪ She drinks it all the time

- Dennis, please, it's
just not funny anymore.

- Well, sometimes it's
not about being funny.

It's just about singing
songs and makin' noise.

- Well, I don't
know what to say.

- Well I do.

Your whole life is a lie.

I mean, who are you, really?

You could be an old black woman

and we'd never know.

But I'll tell you a few
things that we do know.

One, I look great all the time.

Two, Maya will die alone.

And three, you have
completely freaked us out.

- Do you all feel this way?

- Except for the part
about me dying alone.

- Then maybe I
better leave for awhile.

But let me tell you somethin'.

I'm not the phony here.

You are all the
phonies pretending

to be my friends
and father figures.

Turning your back
on me at the first sign

of creepy instability.

I want all my friendship
rings back right now.

- We kind of thought
they were a joke.

- Oh, I guess they were a joke.

I guess they were.

- Hey, I thought it was
pronounced clitoris.

- Oh no.

Please don't.

- It looks like my
father is eating

the last bit of your pride.

- Maybe you should
ask your bald mother

to go down and start
waiting in line again.

- Stop!

Don't eat that!

- Why?

Did someone lick it?

- No, it's just, it's mine.

- Elliot, please.

- I was planning on going
down to Maritz for lunch

and I was gonna have
the last cannoli for dessert.

- Basically then
you're forbidding me

from eating it.

- No, I wouldn't
put it that way.

It's just that I...

- Elliot, you don't
have to explain.

It's your cannoli.

You want your cannoli,
just take your cannoli.

- All right.

- Out of my hand.


Now we know.

- What?

What do we know?

- For god's sakes, Elliot.

One, I look great all the time.

Two, Maya will die alone.

Three, Finch is an
old black woman.

- I had a few lapses in
judgment, but so did they.

You know the thing that
really burns me the most?

They never wanted
to know the real me.

The robot dance, the mannerisms,

this is all just
window dressing.


There's way more
to me than that.

- I'm sure there is.

- Yes, yes there is.

And to prove those
jerks are wrong,

I'm gonna drop everything
I stole from Betsy

'cause I don't need it.

I never needed it.

So bye bye, Finchiness.



This is nice.

- Can I draw you another pint?

- I'd love another pint.

- Is this some kind of joke?

- I don't know what
you're talkin' about.

- Are you mocking me, boy-o?

- I'm not mockin' ya.

I just want me pint.

- Then why are you
talkin' just like me?

- I'm not.

Oh sweet mother of Mary.

What the hell is wrong with me?

- Whatever it
is, just cut it out.

- I'm tryin',
McRyan, I'm tryin'.

- Stop makin' fun of me!

- I can't help me self!

- All right, sissy, let's dance.

- I feel the sound of it!


My god, what happened?

- It's called the Dublin kiss.

But I deserve it.

I'm a fraud.

I'm a nothing.

I'm so sorry.

- Oh, come here, sit down.

- No, Maya, let him suffer.

- Dad?

- Come on, Dennis, take a chair.

- I don't deserve a chair.

- I know, but just pretend
you do for a minute.

- Here, put this on your eye.

- I don't deserve eyes.

- Look, I think we were
all too hard on you before.

Right, guys?

I mean, come on.

Didn't we all when
we were growing up

pattern ourselves
after people we admire?

It's part of figuring
out who you are.

Like Elliot, you told me
something about your walk.

- I stole it from Al Pacino.

- Really?

- Yeah, check it out.

- More like Al Paquino.

- And Nina, what about you?

- Well, I guess I
was inspired by

the woman who lived
on the next farm over.

She used to have sex
with men and they'd

give her things in return.

She was just the
epitome of class and style.

- Dad?

- David Bowie.

- And I too have gone...

- I know, some famous
dead chick that fought for crap.

I didn't just borrow
it from Betsy.

I stole everything.

There is no me.

- Well, he makes a good case.

- Wait, what about the stealing?

- What?

- Only Dennis Finch
would steal someone's

entire personality.

That is totally you!

- That's kind of true.

- And especially a
personality that's so

freakish and annoying.

- Yeah, that's right.

Anybody else would've
dropped it by now.

- They would
have, wouldn't they?

- Of course.

It's been 15 years and
you've gotten nowhere with it.

- You know what?

You're right!

- Of course we are.

- I am me!

- We need to talk.

- Let's give them some privacy.

Sorry about the
unlawful termination.

Welcome back.

- I'm just happy to
have my gun back.

- Excellent.

- Well, it's been a
long time comin',

but sorry.

I'm sure you could
be upset about

a number of things.

Being dragged out and fired.

Me ripping off your DNA.

The 1986 theft of your

precious cat Sparky which
I lovingly renamed Roger.

- Actually, there's
just one thing

that I want answered.

Why me?

- What do you mean?

- I mean, why would
you want this personality?

I haven't exactly
set the world on fire.

- Your personality's cool.

- Well, to be
honest, I don't think

most of the world
sees it that way.

A lot of people think
that I'm a jackass.

- Are you kidding?

You were the loudest person
at Hudson River Junior College.

Everyone had to look at you.

Does that sound like a jackass?

- Maybe I am a winner.

- You are a winner
'cause I'm a winner.

So we're square?

- Like underwear.

- Nice.

- Hey, you know, if you
ever wanna have sex with me,

the door's always opened.

- What's that?

- And a couple of the windows.

I'm comin' after you,


- Uh!

- Hey.

I'll have a turkey on rye

and what the hell,
I'll have a beer.

- Can I see some ID?

- Certainly, officer.

- Elliot DiMauro.

No, I can't serve you.

- Hard to believe,
but I am over 21.

- Yeah, whatever.

No booze.

Or food.

- What are you doing here?

- I don't know.

What am I doing here?

- Are you behind this?

- Am I behind what?

- The fact that I can't get any

food or booze.

- Bet you had trouble getting
a cab down here too, huh?

- Yeah.

But you couldn't have of had...

- New York can be a tough town

if you don't have a friend.

- You know what, Jack?

You know what would
make me really happy?

- What's that?

- If you would have
my last cannoli.

I was gonna have it for dessert,

but that usually follows a meal

and since that's not
happening, please.

- That's a good boy.

- Won't you pass me a plate?

- How's that magic cheese?

- Mmm.

♪ Life keeps bringin'
me back to you

♪ Keeps bringin' me home

♪ It don't matter
what I want to do 'cause

♪ It's got a mind of its own

♪ Life keeps
bringing me back to you

♪ Yeah