Just Shoot Me! (1997–2003): Season 6, Episode 20 - The Burning House - full transcript

Finch produces a low-budget movie with the help of his coworkers and David Hasselhoff. Things go wrong, like a flaming bird house tragedy, Jack's scratched car, and Nina's physical affections towards her "son."

- Hello.

My name is Dennis Finch.

I'm the writer-director
of The Burning House

my final project for
my intro to film class.

The guys behind the
camera are my classmates.

They're doing a behind
the scenes documentary

of my flim for
their final project.

Did I say flim?

Alright I'm sorry.

Can we start again,
I sound like an idiot.


I'm Dennis Finch.

Writer-director of
The Burning House.

This is my chance to
show that I am more than

Dennis Finch, assistant.

I'm Dennis Finch, movie guy.

Who know, next year this time

I might be sharing my
life with a buff, golden

shiny young man named Oscar.

I mean, not with a guy.

I mean with...
Can I start again?

What we're about to read is
torn from the pages of my life.

It's a tale of divorce's impact

on the fragile psyche

of a 33 year old child.

It is a heart wrenching piece.

Some of you may
feel the need to cry.

All I ask is that you cry now

as to not ruin the reading.

Would anyone like to cry now?

No crying, okay.

Playing the role of the
long suffering mother Leia

Miss Nina Van Horn.

- These small independent films

can relaunch your career.

You know, if the
project is right

and the material is strong.

Well I haven't read this script

but I have read other scripts

and some of them were very good.

- Newcomer Clark Roberts
will play the son, Danny.

Loosely based on me.

- Dennis saw me in a high
school production of Grease.

That was 12 years ago

but I played Danny in that

and I'm playing Danny in this.

So it's right in my wheel house.

- And in the role of the tough
as nails fireman father Han

I am thrilled to have
Mr. David Hasselhoff.

- So the guy shows up
at my racquetball club

begging me to read his script.

So I just try to pass
him off to my agent.

Well for some reason,
my agent makes the deal.

I gotta get a new agent.

- The Hurley
family begins to eat.

- Hey Han, please pass
the mashed potatoes.

- There you go Leia.


- Finch is really smart.

His movie is full of
all these subtle details.

Like Han and Leia
are actually the names

of characters from
another movie.

Star Wars.

- Why mama? Why?

- Because don't you see Danny?

Our marriage is a burning house.

Danny and Leia embrace. The end.

- Alright.

Well, I'm new to all this.

So I'd appreciate
any and all notes.

- Yeah, I have one little thing.

Okay great, what have you got?

- You know I sat down
to eat some leftovers

before I went home.

Then they started
to read the movie.

It was good.

I mean, the moo goo gai pan.

Moo goo gai pan.

Somebody ought to
make a movie about that.

Hey, I was just wondering.

How do you plan on
shooting all of this in two days?

- Oh good, good.
What do you mean?

- Well I mean, you've
got a lot going on here.

You're zooming in
from outer space.

You've got floods.

Two car chases and a
musical dream sequence

featuring Michael
Jordan and Aerosmith.

- Yeah.

What, do you think I
should cut those scenes?

- I don't know, I think.

- Well guess what?

Those scenes are my babies.

You want me to kill my babies?

You want me to kill them?

You know what?

You're a baby killer.

How about that?


- Finch came to me because
he knows I'm an editor.

I make these kind
of cuts for a living.

And he was lucky.

I mean, what are the
chances that I'd be working late

on a Friday evening.

- Yeah, these
are all great cuts.

- You know, the truth is
the metaphor is so strong

I don't even know
if you really need

to burn down a house.

- Not burn down a house?

- Yeah.

- Not burn down a house.

When the name of the
movie is The Burning House.

- Look, I'm on your side.

- Are you stupid?

You know what?

How about I burn
down your stupid head?

How about that?

There's a movie.

I feel strongly about
keeping the house.

Jack, what are you doing here?

- Dennis, I want you to find out

who owns a silver Porsche

with the license plate

- That's David
Hasselhoff's car, why?

- He parked right next to me

and he scratched my car.


Oh that's not David's.

No, that's Elliot's.

- I'm out of here.

- No Danny, let him go.

There's no saving this marriage.

- Why mama? Why?

- Because don't
you get it Danny?

Our marriage is a burning house.

- Whoa! Whoa, whoa.

What are you doing?

That's your son!

- Is it wrong to love my son?

- Yes, no kissing.

- I'm not divorcing him.

And besides I think your film

could use a little spicing up.

- But you're his mother!

- Look, I don't need
for Leia to kiss Danny.

I mean, she could apply
ointment to a bee sting

or give him a bath.

I mean, Finch can't
have a problem with that.

Mothers are constantly
bathing their kids.

Okay here's another idea.

Maybe I'm not Danny's mother.

Maybe he's just renting
a room in the house.

- But this movie is about
the impact of divorce

on the child of that marriage.

- Yeah, but divorce
can be hard on a tenant.

I mean think about it, you
know who are you supposed

to give your rent to?

And who do you call if
your faucet is leaking?

- Hey, Night Rider.

You scratched my car jerk.

- You're nuts, I didn't
scratch your car.

- Jack, please
don't ruin my movie.

- You know, I used
to be a fan of yours.

No more.

- Boo hoo.

- Why don't you just
admit you scratched my car.

- I didn't scratch your car.

I scratched his car.

Normally, I'd own up to it

but it was a tiny little scratch

and he called me a jerk.

Screw him.

- All I want is an apology.

A sincere, straight
forward apology.

And I want him to
apologize to my car.

I'm not joking.

- I'm juggling a lot of
really fragile egos here.

I mean, not now.

I can't control what
Jack, Nina, and David do

but at least I've got this
burning house thing figured out.

- Yeah, my mother said we
can't set her house on fire.

- No.

- Yeah, she wasn't into it.

- Did you tell her we're
gonna put it out right away?

- Yeah.

- Did you offer the
executive producer credit?

- Yeah, I'm sorry man.

- Damn it! I can't take this!

Everything is going wrong.

- She also said the script
was derivative and confusing.


- The biggest challenge facing
The Burning House right now

is we don't have
a burning house.

And I don't understand that

because there's so
many houses out there

and so much fire.

I think that's the toughest
part of a directors job.

You know, bringing all
the elements together.

I'll get it.

Hey, hey, Elliot.

Hey, does your uncle
still have that cabin

up by the lake?

- You can't burn it down.

- I don't want it for the movie.

I'm saying you and
I should go up there

for some guy time.

- Oh yeah? You and me?

That sounds nice.

- It would be fun.

We should go first
thing in the morning

because I've already
got my cast up there

and my camera crew.

We could all get
together, have a little BBQ.

- Forget it Finch.

- Cook up some steaks.

Come on, I'm sorry!

Look, I'm just desperate.

- How's this for an idea.

I had done a photo
shoot using miniatures.

It had a Godzilla theme.

And we built an eight inch Tokyo

and I had Tyra Banks
stomp all over it in a thong.

She scraped her
ass on Mount Fuji.

- Okay but you understand

I don't want giants you
know, crushing little things.

- That was an example.

In your case, all you'd
do is shoot your actors

looking at the house

and then in editing, you
cut to the burning miniature.

- Oh.

- Yeah huh?

- That's great.

Hey just for that,
I'm gonna make you

the executive producer.

- You already made
me executive producer

when I gave you a
bite of my cupcake.

- Oh yeah, that was good.

Check this out
dudes, I got the house.

- That's a bird house.

- Yeah, yeah but
I had like, no time.

Plus it was basically free.

- They stole my birdhouse.

- Hey what's this?

- It's a miniature of the house.

- Finch?

- Yeah.

- My character is
supposed to be human right?

- Right.

- So why does she
live in a bird house?

I had prepared
my character to live

in a regular person house.

But I'm a professional actress.

I can adjust, like on page
three when Han storms out

I could say, "If you fly out
that round hole in the wall

"Then I want half
of everything."

In some ways it's
even more powerful.

- And action, cue car.

Go fire effects one.



Oh my God.

- I've seen my
grandmother back her car up

over a poodle.

I've seen my uncle beat
a black bear to death

with a log.

But until you've seen a bird die

and so slowly.

- You know how at
the end of a film it says

"No animals were hurt
during the making of this film"?

Well an animal was hurt

during the making of this film.

♪ Pack up all my care
and woe ♪ Here I go

♪ Singing low ♪
Bye bye black bird

♪ Where somebody waits for me

- Um, this whole
memorial service thing

has kinda pushed
the schedule back

so I'm gonna need you
to come in tomorrow.

- Great, I could
use another $2,500.

- Oh wait, wait, wait.

That's the thing, we don't
have any more money.

Then you don't have
the Hasselhoffer.

- Will you show a
little bit of respect?

A bird is dead!

- But if I don't get the money

I lose David Hasselhoff.

- You want money for
David Hasselscratch?

Hold on, I will give
you the money.

On one condition.

Executive producer Jack Allen.

- No, no, no.

I want to be in the picture.

- Alright, we'll make you
a waiter or something.

- And in my scene, I
want David Hasselhoff

to apologize for
scratching my car.

- What?

How am I gonna work that in?

- You want the
money, you'll find a way.

Han, you left your
thermos at the station.

I thought you might want it.

- Thank you.

Glad you're here, there's
something I need to tell you.

- Yes?

- Earlier today, when
I pulled my fire truck

into the station

I accidentally
hit your fire truck

and I scratched it.

I'm sorry.

Cut, cut, cut.

Just one thought.

Okay, I say cut.

- How about after
I apologize to him

he apologizes to me

to show that it's wrong to
make someone apologize.

I mean come on, isn't that
what this movie's about?

- No, the movie is
about the first apology.

- Well maybe I should
apologize and then kiss Clark.

- No, no, no, no everyone.

No more changes alright?

The script is locked, this
is my vision remember?

- Well it may be your
vision but I'm the star.

- Technically, I'm the star.

- Well I have over
600 hours of television.

- Well Finch, who's the star?

- A big part of
directing is diplomacy.

Hello! It's David Hasselhoff.

Probably wasn't the best answer.

Ow, I can't believe you hit me.

- Oh just think of it as
a going away present

because I quit!

- Give me a minute, two seconds.

- Better make it a quick minute.

You've only got me
for a couple more hours.

Go for David.

- Nina!

So Nina's locked in her office.

I'm about to lose Hasselhoff.

I got about one second of
usable birdhouse footage

before you see the flaming beak.

I don't think I can keep going.

Turn that thing off will you?

Turn the camera off.

Oh God.

I don't know what
you guys are doing.

The movie's over alright?

There's no more
behind the scenes.

- Finch, what did your movie
people do with the creamer?

- I don't know.

I don't know anything.

I'm just Dennis
Finch, assistant.

That's all I'll ever be.

- You're also a bird killer.

- I'm not even that.

Kevin's the real killer.

He deserves the credit.

I deserve nothing
because I am nothing.

- You know, a lot of great
directors had a hard time

on their first movie.

Bergman, Fellini, Truffaut.

- You're talking in gibberish.

- George Lucas
had a really hard time

on his first movie.

- No.

- He threw up almost every day

on the set of American Graffiti.

George Lucas never
actually threw up

but I know that Finch
does when he's nervous

and when he's excited

so I knew it would be
something he could relate to.

- I'm gonna finish this movie.

And before every scene, I'm
gonna think of George Lucas.

And throw up.

I owe it all to Maya.

She's a really good friend.

And Maya says
you're too old and fat

for the part anyway.

- What? What did Maya say?

- Old and fat?

I am younger and thinner
than you will ever be.

- Yes, I would
never say that ever.

- I'm back!

There's my girl!

- I am so furious
with you right now.

- Well don't be
because I just made you

double executive producer.


Alright, let's go it's
magic time people.

We've got a movie to make.

- Well, that's a wrap
for the Hasselhoffer.

- What?

- Funny stuff though.


- Well.

So we have to finish the
movie without David Hasselhoff.

We can't afford
him for another day.

Will the movie
suffer for it? Yes.

But is the world gonna end?

Yes, but not because of this.

So I guess it's a race
between me and the world.

Hey world, I hope you
got your running shoes on.

I'm back.

And cut!

That's a wrap people!

Great stuff, great stuff.

I'm so proud of you.

- That was perfect.

- Hey, what's going on here.

What are you people
doing on my lawn?

- Oh, I'm sorry.

We're from the department of...

Run! Go, go!

- I'm sorry.

Our next film is by
our oldest student

Mr. Dennis Finch.

- Thank you, that's nice.

My film is called
The Burning House.

And before we show it, I'd
like to give a special shout out

to my executive producers

if you could stand up
and take a bow real quick.

- Woo! Woo!

- Without further ado
The Burning House.

I just don't know if
I love you anymore.

What happened to us?

My parents have been
having a rough time.

- I'm going to the corner bar.

That's my dad.

He's a fireman, the best
fireman the south has ever seen.

- You're not going
anywhere mister.

I need a Valium.

- That's my mom.

She's a fireman's wife.

With all that that entails.

I guess it's just me
and you Chewey.

That's right, run away.

I wish I could.

- About last night, I'm sorry.

- Not half as sorry as I am.

You will always be
my princess, Leia.

- And I could
never fly solo, Han.

- Wait a minute.

Care to tell me who's these are?

- Those?

Why, they're Danny's.

- You and I both know
Danny wears briefs.

Wait a minute.

There's something about these.

Where have I seen them before?

Hello Father Ted.

How are things
down at the church?

- Oh you know religion,
same old, same old.

- You and Father Ted?

How could you?

- It's just that...

You spend so much
time at that fire house.

Sometimes I think you
should have married a fire

instead of me.

- Maybe I should have.

A fire wouldn't have
burned me this badly.

- I can't believe

they're getting divorced.

- Earlier today I pulled
my fire truck into the station

and accidentally
hit your fire truck

and scratched it, I'm sorry.

- That's all I wanted to hear.


- I think I should go
too, goodbye Leia.

- Goodbye Han.

- Dad wait!

- No!

Let him go.

Oh my God!

The house has
been hit by lightning.

Do something!

- Maybe I can extinguish
this burning house

but even though I'm a fireman

there's no way I can extinguish

the flames that are
destroying this marriage.

I'm out of here.

- No!

There's no saving this marriage.

- Why mama, why?

- Oh because don't
you see Danny?

Our marriage is a burning house.

♪ I get knocked down
♪ But I get up again

♪ You're never
gonna keep me down

♪ I get knocked down
♪ But I get up again

♪ You're never
gonna keep me down

♪ I get knocked down
♪ But I get up again

♪ You're never
gonna keep me down

♪ I get knocked down
♪ But I get up again

♪ You're never
gonna keep me down

♪ I get knocked down
♪ But I get up again

♪ You're never
gonna keep me down

♪ I get knocked down
♪ But I get up again

- So I didn't win
the film festival.

I also didn't get a
grade from my professor

because as it turns out

I never properly enrolled
in the class, whatever.

But the important thing is

you can't look at
me anymore and say

"That guy's just an assistant."

You have to say,
"That guy's an assistant

"Who made a movie."

No, scratch that.

An assistant who
makes movies huh?

Stay tuned for the sequel.

♪ I get knocked down
♪ But I get up again

♪ You're never
gonna keep me down

♪ I get knocked down
♪ But I get up again

♪ You're never
gonna keep me down

♪ I get knocked down

♪ Life keeps
bringing me back to you

♪ Keeps bringing me home

♪ It don't matter
what I'm gonna do

♪ Because ♪ It's
got a mind of its own

♪ Life keeps
bringing me back to you