Just Shoot Me! (1997–2003): Season 6, Episode 21 - The Bad Grandma - full transcript

- Hey, guess what I've
got behind my back?

- Some sort of
counter weight system

to keep you from tipping over.

- No.

American flags, I thought we
could put them on our desks.

- Oh God, more crap on my desk.

I gave in on the mousepad
and that word machine.

I'm putting my foot
down on this one.

- Dennis, what's
the movie I like?

- Private Benjamin.

- Funny movie.



Go buy me a sweater vest.

What's with the flags?

- Well I thought we would
show a little patriotism.

- Yeah, very little.

- What's the supposed to mean?

- Well I mean if you wanna
show pride in your country,

you're gonna have
to do better than that.

I mean look at
this, it's so tiny.

- Well what would
you suggest, Dad?

- Well how bout a
giant flag that covers

the whole side of the building.

That proves
America's great Maya.

- Why?

- Cause it's big.



- Oh Jack, that's a
great idea, I love it.

But does it have to be American?

I mean couldn't it
be a giant Italian flag?

Three simple
stripes, very slimming.

- The building
doesn't need slimming.

- What are you talking about?

- What are you talking about?

- Alright, you've convinced me.

Hey El, wanna go
grab some lunch?

- No, I'm already having
lunch with my grandma.

Nooni's coming by?

- Yeah, you know we
don't value our elders

the way some cultures do.

They're our greatest resource
and they deserve our respect.

- How's that thing
with her dentures?

- Oh better, her chewing is
much less disgusting now.

- There she is.

Noonie!

Hi sweetheart.

So good to see you,
you remember Maya.

- Hi Noonie, how are you?

- No, I don't think we've met.

- No, this is Maya
Gallo we used to go out.

- No I don't think so.

Oh there's Nina.

Hi Nina!

- No, you came over
to our house for dinner

like eight or nine times.

- I'm sorry, I meet
so many people.

Hi Mike.

- Hey Finch, I want you
to meet my grandma.

Noonie, this is Dennis Finch.

- It's nice to meet you.

- You too.

You guys are going to lunch?

That's cool.

Me and my nana used
to go to lunch all the time.

Except she moved to heaven.

- Oh you poor thing.

- Well, we better get going.

You don't wanna miss
any of your Elliot time.

- Hold on, Dennis why
don't you join us for lunch.

- Really?

- Looks like those
bones could use a little

meat on 'em.
- Oh my God,

that's just what
Nana always said.

Hey, can I order a soda pop?

- Oh no, that's
bad for your teeth.

- This is amazing, it's
like talking to my nana

except I don't have
to use a Ouiji board.

- Noonie, what
about your Elliot time?

Don't you wanna hear
about all the exciting things

I'm doing to my apartment?

Bought a new bathmat.

- Oh that is exciting but

Dennis could still join us.

- Yeah, okay you're right.

Come on Finch, it'll be fun.

- Wee!

- I drove you to Chicago.

It was just the
two of us in the car.

- Please dear, I
don't remember you.

Oh look it's Tim
from Federal Express.

Hi Tim!

Oh Dennis, you're so funny.

Now do Edward G. Robinson.

- Yeah see, I'm Edward
G. Robinson see.

What's going on.

Now do Arthur Godfrey.

- I'm Arthur Godfrey, see.

Here's the deal, see.

- Yeah, that's very funny.

Oh Noonie, I forgot to tell ya.

I peeled back the
corner of my carpet

and guess what I
found underneath?

The original hardwood flooring.

- Would you boys
mind switching places?

No problem.

- But I wanted
us to sit together.

- Well we'll be sitting together

just across from each other.

That way I can see that
beautiful face of yours.

- Okay.

Oh yeah, that's nice.

- What are you going
to have, Dennis?

- Ooh, I know what I'm
not having, soda pop.

- Oh Dennis, you're adorable.

- Hey, you know
what I'm not having?

I'm not having lemonade.

- I don't get it.

- It's bad for my teeth.

- Not really.

- Yeah, dude I don't
even think it's on the menu.

Hey, steak looks good.

- Steak sounds delicious.

- Yeah.
- No no,

we're not having any steak.

- But I want steak.

- Noonie, you know red
meat is hard for you to digest

and it's terrible for
your cholesterol.

Noonie... Noonie, hello.

Oh no.

This is what she does
when she gets mad at me,

she gives me the
silent treatment.

Noonie.

I'm just lookin' out for you.

- She's made it this far dude.

Let the lady eat some meat.

- Thank you Dennis.

- Yeah, get the cattleman.

If you finish it,
we all eat free.

- Fine fine, I'll have the steak

and you can have a bite.

- You know what,
I'll give you the bacon

off my smiley face pancakes.

- Where are you going?

- I'm Clarke Gable, see.

I'm going to the bathroom, see.

- Dennis, you're adorable.

- What's going on?

- What do you mean, sweetie?

- I mean first you want
Finch to sit next to you

and then you tried to
outvote me on the steak

and was it me, or were yawning
all through my drywall story?

- Elliot, I'm just helping
Dennis have a good time.

He misses his grandma
and you have a grandma

who loves you very much.

- Yeah, you do
love me don't you?

- Why don't we have
dinner tomorrow night,

just the two of us.
- Oh yeah, I'd like that.

Come by around seven.

Make it 4:30.

- There he is, Americans.

- Thank you, thank you.

- Dad, I have to admit
when you see that flag

covering the entire
side of the building,

it really is incredible.

- Well this country
is incredible, Maya.

And you, the American workforce,

you make it incredible.

Because you work for
pride, not for fame or fortune

or even generous
Christmas bonuses.

I'm sorry people, that
flag was very expensive.

- Jack, you know I love my
country as much as anyone.

God knows we have the
best nightclubs in the world

and well the drug
laws are very liberal

toward white people.

But that flag has got to go.

- Oh that flag is
going no where.

- Look, I don't care
what Maya says.

It makes the
building look obese.

People are talking.

- Nina, I started
out with nothing.

But I worked very hard
and now look where I am.

And that's why I
love this country.

And that's why there's
a huge flag out there.

Covering my office window.

Oh my God.

- Jack, the room is blue.

- I know that, Nina.

- Someone has stolen
all the red, orange, yellow,

green, indigo and violet
light from this room.

- A small price to
pay for freedom.

- Yeah, well you're not
gonna be able to stand it.

How are you gonna smoke, huh?

I mean there's
no airflow in here.

- Well maybe I won't smoke.

Maybe I'll start
chewing tobacco.

Give the lungs a
break, make the gums

start earning their keep.

- You're right Jack.

No I'm sure you're
making the right decision

by staying here
in your blue room.

And I'm sure that you
won't go insane at all.

- Dennis, cancel my
tickets to Blue Man Group.

- How much longer till Jeopardy?

- What is 10 minutes?

- I love it, old people
laugh at everything.

I'm gonna check on the cookies.

- Oh stop.

- Hi.
- Elliot,
what are you doing here?

- I'm here for dinner, remember?

- Oh that's sweet
of you but I don't feel

up to cooking tonight.

I don't feel well.

Maybe tomorrow instead?

- What's that smell?

- Oh that's just
old person smell.

- Smells like cookies.

- Yes, we smell like cookies.

Isn't nature wonderful?

- Noonie, what's going on?

- I'm Marilyn Monroe, see.

I'm eating a cookie, see.

- Finch.
- Elliot.

- Marilyn Monroe.

- Noonie, you lied to me.

- Only because I
knew you'd be upset.

Dennis just came by
to watch some television

and we lost track of time.

- Alright, it's enough.

Finch, time for you to go.

- Oh, but Jeopardy's on.

- And then a Friends rerun.

- Then a new Friends.

- And then another
Friends rerun.

It makes me laugh.

The Jewish boy has a monkey.

- I don't care what's on!

This was supposed
to be our night.

- So should I throw
on another steak?

- She's not supposed
to have steak.

And you shouldn't be
here, she's my grandma.

- Elliot, let's all watch
the Friends together.

- No, it's either me or him.

- Are you asking me to choose?

- Yes, yes I am.

- I wouldn't push her, dude.

- Goodnight dear.

- What?

- You can join us when
you learn some manners.

- Can't believe this.

- Elliot, wait.

Come here buddy.
- What?

- Will you throw this in
the chute by the elevator?

You're a total pal.

- Elliot, you look depressed.

- You can tell, huh.

- I could spot it
from a mile away.

What with your pallid
skin and your puffy eyes

and your stupid big red nose.

Like an ugly clown no one wants.

- I kinda just
wanted to be alone.

- Here, these will
make you feel better.

- Cookies?
- Yeah.

Finch's grandma
Noonie made them.

- So now you're telling people
that she's your grandmother?

- Oh yeah it just seemed easier

then explaining the whole thing.

- You stole my grandma!

- Just relax, we're
having a good time.

I don't know where it's going.

- Yeah well I'm putting
a stop to it right now.

- What?
- It's over,

you're not spending
any more time with her.

She's my grandmother.

- But she's also my friend
and she's the only woman

to fill my nana's shoes,
and they were big shoes.

They were 10
and a halfs alright.

The woman was a wilder beast.

- Stay away from my Noonie.

- I'll tell you
what I'll do for ya.

My uncle Marty's flying
to town this weekend.

I'll let you pick him
up from the airport.

Okay, it's Southwest alright.

Don't tell him you're Italian.

- Dennis, I love
my country don't I?

- Well at first I wasn't sure.

But then when you
got that flag, it's so big.

- Yes, the big flag.

You know, it's been
up for a whole day now.

I think I made my point.

- If you wanna take down
the flag, take down the flag.

I don't care.

- Well listen, I love the flag.

But if you hate it that much.

- Dad.

- Yes, Maya?

- It's incredible.

The flag is really
effecting people.

You know the crazy homeless guy

who spits and shouts at people?

- Yeah.
- Well now

he's shouting but
he's shouting about

how much he loves this country.

- What about the spitting?

- He's still spitting, but
mostly at the ground.

But you're missing the point.

You are inspiring people.

You know what I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna call my friend
at the New York Times

and see if she wants
to do a story on you

and your giant flag.

I'm proud of you.

- So I guess the flag stays,

huh?
- I guess it does.

- Perfect, check this out.

You already got a
blue light in there,

all we need is a stage, a pole

and a couple of gals and
we got our own little strip club.

Come on.

Alright America, it's
Crystal on the main stage.

Hey Noonie, I think
I figured out a way

from waking up to going to bed

and only watching Friends.

Listen Noonie, I think you
should hang with Elliot tomorrow.

Oh come on, don't get mad.

I know I'm fun.

I know I let you stay up late

and we go outside
without our jackets.

But you know what, he's
your real grandson and...

I know he misses you.

Noonie, you're super cold.

Oh my God, no no.

Oh my God.

Not on my watch.

Oh no, why did we
play tag in the park?

Noonie, open up.

- Elliot?

Finch, is that you?

You're not supposed
to be visiting her.

- I promise this
it'll be the last time.

- You open this
door up right now.

We need to talk.

- I'm done talking to you.

Noonie, this is
between me and you.

- Okay.

- Noonie, will you
please look at me?

Oh this is incredible.

You're giving me
the silent treatment?

I'm the one who
should be mad at you.

How dare you.

You know what you are?

I'll tell you what you are.

You're a bad grandma.

A bad grandma.

Bad grandma!

- I'll call you tomorrow Elliot.

- Hello, Jack.

- Nina?

Help me because I
think I'm going mad.

- You know what I think?

I think it's that giant flag

that's making this room blue.

- Of course it's the flag.

I can't take it down
because everybody loves it.

- Listen to me, you
just need a little sunlight

a little air, so that
you can go and smoke

and enjoy the sun.

- Oh that's right, air, smoke,

sun.

- You know, the blue is
in the corner of the flag.

So that means the
edge is probably

just a few feet away
from your window.

So why not just pull it
back and smoke away.

- My God, Nina you're right.

But I can't move it, it's stuck.

Just unhook the cable.

- Hey, it came right off.

- Just like my bra at
the Mardi Gras parade.

- I think I'll unhook
another one.

Uh-oh.

- Oh my God!
- Nina!

Nina, get me back in.

- Okay, I'm trying Jack.

I'm trying.

- Here's your mail Mr. Gallo.

Hi Nina, well see you later.

Kevin, help!

- Okay.

Help me pull it in.

Don't let it touch the ground.

How did it get so big.

Is it touching the ground?

I don't think so.

Alright listen, nobody
hears about this.

Is that clear, no one.

Yes sir.

You got it, Jack.

You can count on me, Mr. Gallo.

Who said that?

Mike from accounts payable.

I just came to get
some invoices signed.

Okay, so Mike you know too.

But that's as far as
this goes, people.

I'm here too Jack.

Elliot?

- I brought the proofs
you wanted to see.

Okay, fine this does
not leave this room.

Dad?

Oh no.

I've got the New
York Times with me.

- So sorry about your grandma
and your mother, Mrs. DiMauro.

- Well at least she
went peacefully.

Watching that
T.V. show, Friends.

She thought it was so funny
the way they walked around

and talked to each other.

- She was a wonderful woman.

- Yes she was.

And the last thing
I told her was that

she was a bad grandma.

She wasn't a bad grandma,
she was a good grandma.

Good grandma!

- Mrs. DiMauro, I know
that you and I got quite close

when Elliot and I were dating

and I just wanted say I'm sorry

we had to reconnect
under these circumstances.

Just let me know if
there's anything I can do.

- Who was that?

- Dude seriously,
what am I gonna do?

- You can tell Elliot
she was already dead.

- Are you kidding,
he'll be furious with me.

Bald guys hit really hard,
they're mad at the world.

- Hey guys.
- Hey man.

- Hey Finch, I think I
owe you an apology.

- No, you actually don't.
- No, I do.

I do.
- You don't, you don't...

- I forgot the most important
thing was making Noonie happy.

You made her happy, Finch
and I called her a bad grandma.

- Come here, can I
talk to you for a second.

- What?

- Listen, I don't think
Noonie ever even

heard you call her
a bad grandma.

- I yelled in her face, Finch.
- No.

- Her sweet wrinkled face.

- Elliot, Elliot listen to me.

Listen to me.

Noonie loved you.

Did you call her a
bad grandma one time?

Yes.
- Yeah, I think it was three.

- But you also called her
almost every other day.

Called her to see
how she was doing

or if she wanted
to get a bite to eat.

Called her just to talk.

No, you were a good grandson.

And Noonie knew you loved her.

- Yeah.
- She did?

- You bet she did.

- Thanks ma.

Now get over there and eat
some of my baked ziti, mister.

- Okay.

- Wow that was really
cool what you said to Elliot.

He's lucky to have
a mother like you.

- Thank you.

- Yeah, my mom
and I used to have

those kind of
talks all the time.

She lives up in Albany now.

- Oh you don't see her much?

- No, no.

We talk on the phone
but you know how it goes.

It's not the same.

- Hey, I was gonna take
Elliot shopping tomorrow.

You wanna come?

- Yeah, I'd like that.

I'd like it a lot.

♪ Life keeps
bringing me back to you

♪ Keeps bringing me hard

♪ It don't matter
what I'm gonna do

♪ It's got a mind of it's own

♪ Life keeps bringing
me back to you ♪