Just Shoot Me! (1997–2003): Season 6, Episode 19 - Blush Gets Some Therapy - full transcript

The Blush staff agrees to corporate therapy after their bickering drives off a client. Dr. Drake complicates their teamwork when he advances Finch and Nina to blue binders, while Maya and Elliot sill have their red ones.

- Hey, you know,
I'm really excited

to have you aboard!

- Oh, thanks, Jack.

- Kate Spade, you old bag hag.

What are you doing here?

- Kate's coming out
with a new perfume

and she's chosen our magazine
to help launch her campaign.

Let's dazzle her.

Let me hear some ideas.

- Okay.

How about: smells
sweet on the street...

when you meet the heat.

- Okay, you pitched that
last month to Calvin Klein.

- It's funny you
should remember that

when every day you
forget to prune back

those hedges you call eyebrows.

- Okay!

- Well at least I'm
not all tall and thin!


- Call her a drunken skeleton.

It's a classic for a reason.

- Shut up, you little pygmy.

- That's enough!

- Actually, pygmies
are really good warriors,

so thanks for the
compliment, complimentor.


- Ow!

I think I'm gonna go.

- Oh, but Kate, listen,
they're just horsing around.

We're really a
finely-oiled machine...

- I'll be in touch.

- Kate!
- Sorry!

- All right, everyone,
my office, now.

What is the matter
with the four of you?

You just drove off
a piece of business.

What is going on here?

The snide comments, the
back biting, the squabbling.

This place is turning
into the Vatican.

- What?

- They can't fool me, I
know what goes on in there.

- Jack, you know how you
keep this from happening again?

Corporate therapy.

- Therapy, ha.

That's your answer for
everything these days.

I had a bad dream?

I'll go to therapy.

We had an argument?

Let's go to therapy.

I'm hungry.

I'll go get a hot dog

on the way to therapy!

- No, dad, I think
this is a super idea.

A lot of big companies are
hiring corporate therapists.

They help with
communication, self-esteem.

- Look.

You wanna build
self-esteem, forget therapy.

Just do my morning ritual.

- You mean bathing
in actual money?

- No, that's just
a one-time thing.

Each morning I stand
in front of a mirror

and I give myself
a full-body pep talk.

Look at that nose.

That's the nose of a winner!

A nose that plows through life,

rubs against the grindstone,
and still looks fine.

Hello, shoulders,
broad and tireless

befitting a dynamo of a man.

And so on and so forth.

I usually skip the
knees, they're just okay.

- You know, Jack, I don't think

that technique's for everyone.

- Well, maybe you're right.

It works for me
because it's true,

but you people would
just be lying to yourselves.

- Of course we would.

So we'll try the therapy?

- Tell you what.

Let's give it a try with this
core group, see how it goes.

- You know, this
is gonna be great.

I think this is gonna
bring us closer together.

- Closer together like your
chin and your forehead,

you thimble-headed freak?


- Scarred, but proud.

Nobby, but noble.

They know when to bend,
they know when to stand firm.

Sounds forced.

- So, dad, where did you
find this corporate therapist?

- Trump recommended him.

He said he was very
unconventional, but effective.

And that he sent a very
nice fruit basket for Christmas,

lots of papayas.

- Ooh, remember that
gross pyramid of figs

Elliott Gould sent you?

- He makes them
himself, very sad.

- Jack.

- Oh, great, you're here!

Everybody, Dr. Drake Kelson.

That's Dennis,
Nina, Maya, Elliot.

- Welcome to Blush, Dr. Kelson.

- Please, it's Drake.

- Okay, Drake.

- No, Dr. Drake.

- Dr. Drake.

- Yes, a question?

- Uh, no, I was just
saying your name.

- Oh.

We're excited, aren't we?

- All right, I'm off.

- Dad, what? You're
not sticking around?

- No, there's nothing wrong
with me, and even if there was,

who cares? I'm the boss.

- Okay!

I'd like to start things
off with a group exercise

that's a little outside the box.

Believe it or not, we
are going to make a...

Car together.

Now when I point to you, Dennis,

I want you to make
revving sounds.

Maya, I want you to
go buh-buh-buh-buh,


Elliot, I need you to make
high-pitched screeching noise,

and Nina, you're the horn.

Okay, you ready?


- Ha-na-na-na-na-na
- Buh-buh-buh-buh

- And stop!

Wow, that was horrible.

And a complete waste
of time, which is my point.

We all waste too
much time at work.

How? By not communicating
with our coworkers.


- How might we better
communicate with our coworkers?

- After you answer
that, could you help us

pry his lips off your ass?

- I see I got here just in time.

Okay, bang!

A fellow staffer is late with
his work with a big project.

What do you tell him... Elliot?

- Ask him if we
can talk and then

ask him if there are any issues

that are stopping
him from finishing.

- Huh, interesting that
you can't really be firm

and speak your mind.

Nina, go.

- I'd say, "Get off your fat
ass and get your act together,


- What?

What is that about?

- Fantastic, you said
exactly what you meant.


A coworker has a
gambling problem...

Maya! What do you do?

- Well, I wouldn't
want to be an enabler,

so I would suggest...
- Stop, stop.

You're not really
answering the question,

you're trying to play
therapy, like a game.

It's not a game.


- I'd probably just narc
him out to my boss?

- Oh, ding-ding-ding-ding-ding!

Score one for my man, yeah!

That kind of honesty
so early in the therapy

is astonishing,
I'm very impressed.

- Really?

I always felt there was
something special about me.

One time a hummingbird
landed on my ear.

- I am not surprised.

Now, anyway, I can tell
that you and Nina are terrific.

Elliot and Maya, I
have some questions

about the both of you.

- You do?
- What do you mean?

- No, no, it's okay, they're
good, good questions.

Some, not so good, but.

Nothing to worry about,
it's the first day, first session,

you are all going to be great.

Now, these red binders
explain all the basic concepts

we'll be dealing with together.

I want you all to study
them in your spare time.

- You know, another
time, a lizard went chu!

Right up my pant leg.

- I can't believe you really
worked with Harrison Ford.

- Well, before I got there,
the entire cast of Witness

was at each other's throats.

You know what, you
remind me of Harrison.

- Get out!

- Who do I remind you of?

- Just a girl who used to
live in my neighborhood,

who you know as Julia Roberts.

- Oh, Pretty Woman!

- Hey, Dr. Drake.

- What were you
guys doing in there?

- Oh, Finch and I just
had an advanced session.

- Oh, please, Nina,
we should avoid labels

like advanced, not advanced.

It's as counterproductive
as it is accurate.

- Well, you know, Dr. Drake,
if you have time I'd love,

I'd love a private session.

- Oh, me too.

- Well, I can do Elliot
now and you this afternoon.

- Thank you, Dr. Drake.

- Elliot, shall we?

- Bang!
- Don't do that.

- Okay, sorry.

- Hey, you guys. What are those?

- These are the blue binders,

we've reached the next plateau.

- Wait, there are plateaus?
When did that happen?

- I don't know if we should
be talking to her about this.

- What harm can it do?

Her lower-level mind can't
process what we're saying.

- You're right, let's
talk to her some more,

could be amusing.


- Cut it out!

- Hey, just for a goof, you
wanna take her to lunch with us?

- No, it's gonna be
a blue binder lunch.

Her red binder thoughts
will only slow us down.

- I know, but it's
a goof, for laughs.

Like inviting a dog to a
chess match or something.

- Okay, okay, let's ask her.

- Maya, do you wanna
go to lunch with us?

- I don't know
what to say to that.

- Of course you don't.

- Let's talk about some
inter-office dynamics.

I understand you dated Maya.

- Yep, for about a year.

- You mind if I explore?

- No, go ahead.

- So would you describe
this relationship as intimate?

- Yes, yes, very intimate.

- I see. Were you ever
intimate here, in the office?

- You mean physically?

- Sure.

- Uh, yeah. A
couple times, I guess.

- Nice, so missionary
or the wheelbarrow?

- Excuse me?

- Was she noisy?
She like to scratch?

Would you recommend
her to a friend?

- Hold it, hold on a second.

This line of questioning
is way out of line.

- I'm sorry, that was a mistake.

- Damn right it was.

- Look, part of what I
do is testing boundaries,

and that time I went too far.

- Well, I'm still
gonna have to tell

Jack about this, anyway.

- Please don't do that.
If you do, he'll fire me.

- That's not my fault.

- He'll badmouth
me to his friends,

it could wreck my career.

- Well, I'm sorry.

- I'm pleading with you.
It'll never happen again.

- Okay.
- Okay?

You won't mention
this to anyone?

Thank you.

Thank you.

- Oh, sorry.

- No, no, Jack, perfect timing.

We have a big
problem with Elliot.

- What's the matter?

- Well, I purposefully made some

inappropriate comments
about your daughter,

and he was willing
to cover them up.

He agreed to help
me, an outsider,

at the expense of his
boss and his company.

- Is that true?

- He said he was sorry.

- I'm very disappointed.

- Jack, can I have another
minute with him in here?

- Just fix him.

- What the hell was that?!

- Relax, relax, I was
just doing that to test him.

- What do you mean?

- I just found out the boss
doesn't respect his employees.

You've been working here
for years and bang, like that,

he takes my word over yours?

- Yeah, I guess
that's what happened.

- No, that's exactly what
happened and it's ridiculous!

- It is.

- Yeah, that's where
the problem starts.

At the top.

- Oh, man, maybe you're right.

- Jack, can you come
in here for a second?

Elliot's problem is
worse than I thought.

In 30 seconds, I was
able to convince him

you're the weak link at Blush.

- But I was...
- You what?

- Jack, I swear all I
said was "maybe."

- Elliot, you're a mess.

Thank God Dr. Drake is here!

- Yes, thank God
for creating you

who hired me to cure him.

- Guys!

Guys, I just got off the
phone with Kate Spade.

I can't believe that you
managed to woo her back.

- Well, actually the
credit should go to Nina.

She did all the talking.

- No, no, no, the credit
should go to you, Finch.

You dialed the phone! I
can't talk unless you dial.

- I got the mad skills.

- Now this I like to see!
Cooperation, good vibes.

Wait, you two are not taking
that rave drug, are you?

- No, Jack, not today.

No, we've just been bonding
in our therapy sessions.

- Oh, so Dr. Drake's
already made a difference!

- Yup, and guess what?

He said Nina and
I are both enactors

in the highest order of
beingness into doingness.

- Is that good?

- It's delicious!

- He asked for
an Aspirin earlier

and I may have given
him the wrong pill.

- Again?

You know, you need
to work out a system.

- I need a hug!

And lots of water.

- Sit, sit down.

- Can you believe those two?

- What?

- Well, look at them
with their blue binders.

I'm starting to think that this

Dr. Kelson really
doesn't know anything.

- Or does he know everything,

and some of what
he knows is just a

little hard for you to take.

- Huh?

Oh, God, when did
you get a blue binder?

- Couple of hours ago
when I had my breakthrough.

- You had a breakthrough?
- Big-time.

You know, when
it happens to you,

you don't even notice,
but Dr. Drake notices.

- What did he notice,
what did you do?

- Elliot, don't worry
about what I did.

Worry about what you do,
or rather what you don't do.

Most of us think
you're gonna make it.

Elliot, no, let go!

- No, I just want help, I
just want advancement.

- Stop it!
- Please.

- No!

You know, if you were
really ready for this,

you would've fought
much harder than that.

But seriously, now that
I have the blue binder,

everyone else seems so mediocre.

- And they're everywhere.

- Yeah, they're like
filthy little insects.

- Please.

I want your help, I
want the blue binder.

- Good for you, that is the
first time you really asked!

And that's progress.

Small progress, very small,
actually it's a tiny step back.

Maya, can I use your office?

- I'd be honored.

- Oh, can't we just stay
and watch him struggle?

- It'll be fun, like watching a

beakless bald chicken
packin a moomie.

I'd like that one back.

- Please, we need the privacy.

- Usually I have...
- I know.

- I really appreciate this,
I really appreciate this.

- I'm just glad you're
giving the therapy

the seriousness it deserves.

Now, I want you to stand
on one leg, lean forward,

and swirl your
arms like a windmill.

- Excuse me?

- It's a relaxation
technique from Nepal.

- Like this?

- More jerky with the arms.

There, that's
terrific, terrific.

I'm gonna go
downstairs and get myself

a falafel and a grape
juice, you keep at it.

- Ah, jeez.

Son of a bitch.

Son of a bitch!

Mike, hold that elevator!

- Elliot, what's up?

- You're a fraud,
and I have the proof.

- What are you talking about?

- "Notes on today's
session with Elliot DiMauro."

- Those are for
Jack to see, not you.

- "Today, Elliot revealed his

"deep-seated jealousy
toward his coworkers,

"and confessed to
handling and rewrapping

"Jack's sandwiches
in the fridge."

I never said anything
about jealousy,

or Jack's sandwiches,
you made it up.

You're making it all up.

This whole therapy
thing is a sham!

- Let's just say, for a
second, that it is a sham.

How can you prove it?

It's your word against mine.

- Jack will believe me.

- Will he? I've already made you

look like a fool
in front of him.

- Yes, but the others
will back me up.

They're my friends.

- Uh, gang? What do
we think of Dr. Drake?

"He's the greatest, we love him!

"I have a hummingbird
on my ear."

They'll never betray me.

I'm giving them what
they need most: validation.

- Well, why can't you
give me validation?

- Because it needs
to look like I'm

solving a big
problem, that's you.

- I was the one who
suggested we hire you.

This isn't fair, why me?

- You wore a beret.

You were asking for it.

- Monday's beret day.

- You can't beat
me, so don't fight it.

It'll be easier for both of us.


- Okay.
- There you go.

So what you got
going on this weekend?

- Yeah!

- Amazing!

- See? I trust them.

- And a week ago, I
would've let him fall

just to hear the sound of
his tiny bones shattering.

- And this is the progress
you've been paying for.

Now, why don't we
all take a seat because

I have something I think
you're all finally ready for.

- Gold binders!

- Oh, my God.

- So it's not just a myth.

- Oh, there he is.

Thanks for missing
Finch's first trust fall.

- Can we please
shout our feelings

so we can all tell Elliot
what we really think of him?

- Not now.

- But we'll play later?

- Of course.

- 'Cause I wanna tell
him he's a fat face.

- Dennis, that's
not constructive.

I'm sure he already knows that.

- Before you go
on, I'd like to share

something with the group
that might help explain

why I've fallen so far behind.

- Responsibility,
culpability? Is this our Elliot?

- This is getting
a little creepy.

- Of course. Stop laughing.

Elliot, go ahead.

- I have a visual
aid if that's okay.

- Certainly.

- It's a security tape
from the elevator.

- What?

- Yeah, there are
cameras in there.

Well, I had a very
revealing conversation.

- I don't want you
to show that tape.

- Holy crap, there's
cameras in the elevators?

Are they on all the time?

Like at night?

- Oh, relax. We all know
what you do in there.

- Let's see the tape.

- The thing is, we
don't need to, Jack,

because I already
know what's on it.

Elliot's massive breakthrough.

- What?

- Yeah, we had an
intense conversation

and I was amazed
by what I heard.

Wisdom, compassion,
honesty, communication.

- That's not what happened.

- Oh, don't be modest.

I mean, you may
be a late bloomer,

but when you bloom,
baby, you bloom

like no flower I have ever seen.


- I see what you're doing.

- Because you're
that perceptive.

You probably already
know you're about to receive

something I have
never given anyone.

- Oh, my God, it's
a platinum binder.

- Okay.

This time, I'm impressed.

- You should be, Jack.

- I know.

- Elliot, this is huge.

- If I weren't so consumed
with jealousy right now,

I'd be really happy for you.

- Dude, I stole 40 bucks out
of your wallet this morning.

I want you to have it back.

- You stole money from me?

- Seriously, take it.

- So Elliot, what do you say?

Are you ready to
accept this honor?

- I did it!

I did it, I'm better than you!

I'm the best, suck
on that, gold binders!

Look, everybody, look at me!

- He's an inspiration.

- I am so attracted
to him right now.

- That thing touched my arm.

Did you see it? It
grazed it a little bit.

- Dr. Drake, I really
have to hand it to you,

you've turned this place around.

Now, who wants to see
Finch in the elevator?

♪ Life keeps
bringing me back to you

♪ Keeps bringing me home

♪ It don't matter
what I wanna do, 'cause

♪ It's got a mind of its own

♪ Life keeps
bringing me back to you