Just Shoot Me! (1997–2003): Season 6, Episode 1 - Finch in the Dogg House - full transcript

- [Narrator] Previously
on Just Shoot Me.

- Please take me back.

(sobbing)

Thanks for setting
me up, you jerk!

- [Dennis] Allie!

- Go to hell!

- Thank you, Dennis.

- Me, for what?

- Don't be so modest.

You led her in here
like a lamb to slaughter.

I want her back.



- I know you do.

(knocking on door)

Huh, not home,
but I still have a key.

We'll just leave these
inside with a nice note.

(lock rattling)

- Did you hear knocking?

- It was really more of a
whappity-whappity-whap.

(audience laughs)

(guitar music)

(rock music)

- Oh, Jack! What
are you doing here?

- I came to apologize.

And you know Kevin.

- Hello.



- Jack, this is
kind of a bad time.

- Nonsense. Kevin,
present the flowers.

- Here's the flowers.

- Oops, you dropped the card.

(audience laughs)

Whose pants are these?

- Boop, got your nose.

- No, Allie, that's not
gonna work this time.

You haven't got my nose.

(audience laughs)

I can't believe that you
jumped into bed with someone

two hours after you were
begging me to take you back.

I'm calling Dennis
and having him bring

those divorce
papers over right now.

(phone rings)

(audience laughs)

(guitar music)

(rock music)

- Jack just walked outta
there without saying a word?

- Yeah, he seemed really mad.

Like how an owl
looks when you keep it

in the bath for too long.

(audience laughs)

- And what did Finch do?

- He ran out crying.

Then it was just me.

Me and the lady in the blanket.

If only there were no
such things as blankets.

(audience laughs)

- I can't believe Finch
did such a stupid thing.

- Jack's gonna kill him.

- Finch would be smart to
stay away for awhile, you know?

Until this all blows over
or Jack turns to dust.

(audience laughs)

- Hey, is he here?

- Finch, just go.

- No no no, I gotta face this.

But I need some
information first.

How long has he been in there?

All morning, he won't come out.

- Dammit.

Has there been any
screaming or glass breaking?

- Nope, absolute silence.

- Worse, worse.

Alright, now for
the big question.

What kind of bagel did
he have this morning?

- What difference could that...

- Just would you tell
me what kind of bagel?

- I think it was sesame.

- Sesame, not bad,
we might be okay here.

- No wait, wait a minute,
it was pumpernickel.

- Shut up, are you...

- [Jack] Dennis, get in here.

- God, Finch.

- What do I do?

- I have an idea.

This worked for
me once with Jack

the second time
I shot his Yorkies.

(audience laughs)

It's fool proof.

- Okay go go, what is it?

- Alright, wait a second.

Oh, now I lost it.

- Nina, come on.

- Dennis!
- Okay, okay, I'm thinking.

Alright, it's on
the tip of my brain.

- Nina!

- [Jack] Get in here!

- It's so hard with him
screaming like that.

- [Jack] Now!

- God.

Idea?

- Just that.

I never had anything,
I just wanted to be

the center of attention.

(audience laughs)

- Hey, Jack.

(audience laughs)

Alright, obviously we need
to have a conversation.

Perhaps I should start.

I've prepared a
little something.

(audience laughs)

We've worked together
for just over 10 years now.

- You're fired.

- I'll skip ahead.

(audience laughs)

- You're fired.

- Jack, come on,
you can't fire me,

you gotta give me
some kind of warning.

- You're right.

Look out, you're fired.

(audience laughs)

- Jack, come on.

- My decision is final.

- You know what?

No.

No, I don't accept it.

It cannot end here.

This isn't it.

This is you and me, buddy.

Batman and Robin.

Milo and Otis.

Macchio and Miyagi.

(audience laughs)

It does not end here, sir.

I'm sorry, it just doesn't.

We both know I'll
be back tomorrow.

Come on.

Ow, it's hurting my clavicle.

Don't touch my
pencils, they're still mine.

Ow, ow.

(rock music)

- Good morning, Mr. Gallo.

- Good morning, Ms. Picklesbee.

- Here are your
messages and your mail,

and here's the SkyMall
catalog you asked for.

- Excellent.

We'll see if this stuff looks
as tempting on the ground.

(audience laughs)

- Would you look at her?

Giving Jack mail,
handing out messages.

- Standing there.

- God, I hate her.

- [Nina] Oh, like she
could ever replace Finch.

- Yeah, he belongs
behind that counter, not her.

- Yeah, I just wanna pull
her hair and scratch her face.

(audience laughs)

- Good morning, gang.

- Oh, good morning
Ms. Picklesbee.

- Some weather we're having.

- It's a little chilly for me.

- Oh.
- You said it.

So why doesn't
she just take a jacket

if it's so damn chilly?

- It's not even that cold.

- It's just a little brisk.

- Yeah, what a whore.

(audience laughs)

(rock music)

- Dad?

Here's the proofs you wanted.

- Maya, look at these,
all messages from Dennis.

Jack, please call.

Jack, still waiting for call.

Jack, slipped and hit
head, heard loud ringing.

Was that you calling?

(audience laughs)

- These are all
within the last hour.

- And look at these gifts.

- Let's bee friends.

(audience laughs)

- I can't bear being apart.

(audience laughs)

- I miss you and I'm not lion.

(audience laughs)

- That one doesn't even
make sense, it's a tiger.

- Which is not lion.

(audience laughs)

- I just want it to stop.

- Dad, he's just trying...

- I don't care, it needs to end.

- Alright, I'll talk to him.

- I'm not lion.

Clever.

(audience laughs)

But not clever enough.

(audience laughs)

(rock music)

- Look at her, standing
there like a shaved ape.

(audience laughs)

You know what I'd like to do?

I'd like to offer her
a free makeover,

and then when her eyes
are closed, just cover her

in glue and bees.

Stinging bees.

Angry, irrational bees.

(audience laughs)

Elliot, what?

- What, no,
nothing, I'm into it.

Stingy bees.

- Here you go, Elliot,
I finished your hat.

It goes with the
sweater I made you.

- Thank you.

(audience laughs)

Okay, I like her.

I like her a lot.

- What?

- She's very sweet, and
she smells like my nana.

(audience laughs)

- You disgust me.

And you're a traitor to Finch.

- I'm telling you, she's
impossible to hate.

All she cares about is
making people happy.

Do you know that she
changed her name to Picklesbee

just because she knew it
would give people a smile?

Her real name is Norma Gordon.

(audience laughs)

- Don't you get it, man?

If she could replace Finch,
she could replace any of us.

I mean he's not the
only one who's ever slept

with one of Jack's ex-wives.

(audience laughs)

(rock music)

- Gee, I wonder if they
have any soft-shell crabs yet?

You know what I love about them?

- Eating them makes you
feel powerful, like a giant squid.

- Shark, Maya.

I'm a giant shark.

(audience laughs)

Oh, God, this is ridiculous.

- What?

- Dennis is sitting at the
bar in some kind of disguise.

(Maya gasps)

- That is him.

- Now he's stalking me?

I'm gonna put an end
to this once and for all.

Dennis, we need to talk.

- Hey, Jack, how you doin'?

- I know this is
hard for you, Dennis,

but you've got to move on.

- What are you talking about?

- I'm talking about
you following me here.

- I'm just here
with my new boss.

- D I fee I, what's up now
fizzle, you ready to rizzle?

(audience laughs)

- Give us a minute, crazy talk.

- Jack, Jack, this is Snoop
Dogg, he's my new boss.

He's a world-famous
rapper, actor, and producer.

Snoop, this is Jack
Gallo, he runs a magazine

about dresses and makeup.

(audience laughs)

- What's happening
with you, nephew?

- Nice to meet you, sir.

- Snoop's got a salad
dressing coming out

that'll gangbang
your lettuce, aight?

(audience laughs)

- Hi, I'm sorry to interrupt,
but I am a huge fan

and I just want to
say that I think that rap

is the jazz of the
new millennium.

- Oh, so you like
to party, huh baby?

- Yeah, sure, I guess.

- Then check this out.

I'm at The Royalty.

Why don't you come
by and holler at me

and we can talk about
jazz, or whatever.

- Wow, that's tempting, but I
have a pottery class tonight,

and it's really tough
to get time in the kiln.

- Like I said, the Royalty.

Room two oh one oh.

And bring some friends.

- Sounds like fun.

- Friends you don't
mind making out with.

(audience laughs)

- I think I need a drink.

- But Finch, I
gotta go next door

and buy me another Bentley.

Forgot where I
parked my other one at.

- Alright, you get
a receipt this time.

- Check.

(audience laughs)

- So I guess you have moved on.

- Yeah.

- Well I'm glad you did.

- Thanks.

Good to see you.

- Dad, have you ever done
something so out of character

just for the experience?

- You are not going
to The Royalty.

(audience laughs)

(rock music)

- And boop, we're divorced.

For the record, I'm sorry.

- I'm sorry, too.

- Here's your ma...
(audience laughs)

- Kevin, we're in the middle
of finalizing our divorce.

- Hmm.

Well then I guess
I'll catch you outside.

(audience laughs)

- Allie, before you leave,
there's something I have to ask.

- What is it?

- That night you
were with Dennis.

What happened?

- Okay, fine.

When you told me you
wouldn't take me back, you know,

my head was in a
pretty poopy place.

(audience laughs)

And Dennis came
over to apologize.

(Allie crying)

- You have to understand,
he was in love with you,

and you cheated on him.

You can't expect
him to get over that.

- You're always taking
his side, you hate me too.

- Oh, no, I don't hate you.

- You don't?

- Of course not.

- Do you think I'm pretty?

(audience laughs)

- Excuse me?

- It's a simple question,
Dennis, do you think I'm pretty?

- Yes, yes, you're pretty,
of course, you're pretty.

(audience laughs)

- So pretty that sometimes
you think of touching me?

- I'm gonna cruise.

- Dennis, you don't have to go.

- I think I should.

- I'm sorry, I didn't
mean to scare you.

It's just, I'm a little
insecure right now.

Can you understand that?

- Yeah, I guess so, but.

(Allie sighs)

- Good.

I wasn't sure if you
could, you know,

you being such
an attractive man.

- Me?

Come on.

- Oh Dennis, don't be modest.

You've got the whole package.

That dainty waist and
those long fluttery eyelashes,

that flowing blond hair.

- I put a thick
conditioner on it at night

and then I sleep with a
plastic bag on my head.

(audience laughs)

- Well it works.

You look like a
masculine lioness.

(Dennis growls)

(both laugh)

- Hey, whoa whoa.

No no, I, wow, that was close.

I'm Jack's friend,
and he is my boss,

and I will not betray that
under any circumstances, okay?

- Okay.

But know this.

If you decide to stay, you
can do whatever you want,

however long you want.

You want it dirty?

It'll be dirty.

You want it sweet?

Oh, who are we
kidding, it'll be dirty.

(audience laughs)

- I can't.

- They're real.

- I'm so weak.

(audience laughs)

- Anyway, that's what happened.

- All those details.

You could've just
said you seduced him.

- Then it wouldn't be a story.

- I don't need a story.

- You never need a story.

That's because you
don't like my stories.

- Your stories never go anywhere,
they never have an ending.

- Well here's an ending for you.

Goodbye.

(Allie gasps)

- Hello.

(audience laughs)

(rock music)

- What the hell is this?

(audience laughs)

- Just a present.

I heard you say your
office had a draft.

- Let me explain something
to you, Picklesbee.

Everyone else around
here may have fallen

for your do-gooder attitude,
and your hand-knitted crafts,

but you will never win
over Nina Van Horn.

- I'm sorry, it was presumptuous
of me to give you a gift.

- You're damn straight it was.

(audience laughs)

- Miss Van Horn?

You're a strong
woman, aren't you?

- Stronger than you know.

- You know, sometimes the
strongest people are the ones

who are hurting the most
inside, because they never really

learn how to ask for help.

- I guess maybe sometimes
I could use a little help.

- Well next time
something comes up,

all you have to do is ask.

- Please help me now.

(audience laughs)

- Dear.

- I love you, Ms. Picklesbee!

(rock music)

- Hi, dad.

- Hey.

So, I'm officially divorced.

- Oh wow, congratulations.

- Get this.

Turns out Allie seduced Dennis.

Really came on strong.

Not that it matters.

- No, I guess it doesn't.

Unless you think it does.

- No, of course I don't.

Boy's got free will, he
didn't have to do anything.

I only mention it
because it paints

a slightly different
picture than I thought.

- Dad, are you looking for
a reason to forgive Finch?

- No.

Not at all, Maya.

Why, do you have one?

(audience laughs)

- No, but you don't need one.

If you wanna
forgive him, just do it.

- Maya, you don't
understand the betrayal.

- I think I do.

I felt betrayed when you
cheated on mom, but I forgave you.

- You did, didn't you?

- [Maya] Mm-hmm.

- Why'd you do it?

- Because sometimes you
have to forgive someone

just because you
want them in your life.

- Maybe I'll go speak
to Dennis right now.

It's a good day, people.

(Maya giggles)

- Where's he going?

- To get Finch back.

- You're kidding.

- You know who
Finch is gonna love?

Picklesbee.

- I wanna be the
one to introduce them.

- No, me me me me.
- Oh, come on.

(audience laughs)

- You guys.

I think if Finch comes
back Picklesbee is gone.

- What?

- Well, there won't
be a position for her.

She was doing Finch's job.

- Well that isn't fair.

- Yeah, she didn't
do anything wrong.

- Guys, what is up?

Picklesbee will be
gone, Finch will be back,

just like it's supposed to be.

- I hate Finch.

(audience laughs)

- Yeah, what a whore.

(audience laughs)

(rock music)

- Alright, we need some lobster
Thermidor, poached salmon,

and a raspberry souffle.

Trust me on this guys,
seriously, I have had it.

(audience laughs)

And I need a loofah
for my man's heels.

Alright, send that right up.

Peace out.

(audience laughs)

- You know Finch, man, you
know I don't need no damn loofah.

- You're a star, and you
wanna have star's feet, don't ya?

- Alright.

But I just wanna do
it myself this time.

(audience laughs)

- Okay, do it yourself, but
let me walk you through it.

(audience laughs)

So do you want me
to bizoil you some tea

for the old voice bizox, huh?

(audience laughs)

- Man, you need to
stop talking like that,

you ain't even got it right.

- Alright, I'll get it.

I got Obby Dobby, I'll get it.

(audience laughs)

(knocking at door)

I hate to be a nag, Snoop,
but you gotta be onstage in,

whoa, long time ago.

(audience laughs)

- Dennis, can I come in?

- Uh, sure.

What are you doing here?

- Listen, I want you
to come back to work.

- What?

- I forgive you, Dennis.

That's the long
and the short of it.

- Get out of my hizouse.

- What?

- You hizeard me.

Why would I wanna go
back and work for you,

when I've got all this?

- Wait a minute,
I'm forgiving you.

- I don't care, I'm about
to go on a worldwide tour.

First class everything.

Planes, hotels, fly
women, water parks.

- Water parks?

(audience laughs)

- Snoop and the posse
love the beat the heat.

- Yeah, they got a
slide in Singapore,

you do a loopity-loop.

(audience laughs)

- Fine, I'm going.

But I just wanna tell you

for the record.
- I miss you.

- What?

- I said, "I miss you,"

but act like I still said
mean things to you.

- What a rude remark!

(audience laughs)

What's going on?

- I wanna come back
and work at Blush,

but I can't let these guys know.

Things could get ugly.

- But why?

- Because I'm
basically in a gang here,

and they don't like it when
you leave, they get angry.

I've seen it all on Dateline.

(audience laughs)

- Dennis, don't be ridiculous.

You can do whatever you want.

Snoop. (Dennis gasps)

- What's happenin'?

(audience laughs)

- Listen, Snoop, Dennis
here would like to come back

to work for me, I hope that's
not gonna be a problem.

- He's crazy, Snoop, he's whack.

(Dennis whistles)

(audience laughs)

- If you wanna go
man, go on, get.

I don't care.

- Really?

- I mean, two weeks notice
is customary, you know that.

(audience laughs)

- Well, okay, well
thanks, Snoop.

Thanks for understanding.

- You still here?

(audience laughs)

- Come on, Dennis,
time to go home.

- Guys, everybody, there's
fresh-squeezed OJ in the kitchen.

Grab some!

(audience laughs)

- Hey, that little dude
was kind of freaky, huh?

(Snoop sniffling)

Oh Dogg, are you crying, man?

- No man, I ain't crying, man.

(audience laughs)

I'll miss that
little blond fool.

(audience laughs)

("Life Keeps Bringing Me
Back to You" by Lauren Wood)

♪ Life keeps
bringing me back to you

♪ Keeps bringing me hard

♪ It don't matter
what I wanna do 'cause

♪ It's got a mind of its own

♪ Life keeps
bringing me back to you