Just Shoot Me! (1997–2003): Season 5, Episode 22 - At Long Last Allie - full transcript

Nina pesters Eliot to set up a therapy session with his new girlfriend. Alie wants Jack back.

- Dad, I just finished...

(audience laughing)

- Please, come in.

- You're not my dad.

You're Hugh Hefner.

- Call me Hef and
you must be Maya.

I like your hair.

(audience laughs)

- Well, thank you, I
just had it, no, wait,

(audience laughing)
what's going on?

- I just bought the
magazine from your father,

but don't worry, nothing
around here is going to change.

(audience laughing)

- Here's the sales figures.

(audience laughing)

- Thanks, good work.

- Who are you?

- Brande Roderick.

- Our playmate of the year

and your new managing editor.

(audience laughing)

- I like your hair.

- This can't be happening.

- Maya, welcome to my team

and here's your new uniform.

(Maya screams)

- Oh god,

why was I dreaming about
the playmate of the year?

- You weren't.

Your in my dream.

(audience laughing)

Now, you girls want to wrestle?

(audience laughing)

- Do I have a choice?

- No.

(audience laughing)

- Tops on or off?

- Enough blabbity-blab,

let's go two out of three.

(audience laughing)

(funky music)

- Hey Kevin, any mail for me?

- I'll just put it
in your office.

- Okay, thanks.

(audience laughs)

- Something wrong?

- Am I that transparent?

(audience laughs)

- You do seem a little tense.

- It's just, I've been
delivering mail for seven years.

I'm burnt out.

- You know what I
do to fight burnout?

I give myself a five
minute vacation everyday.

I just close my
eyes and drift away

toward a place
of total serenity.

- Like Radio Shack?

(audience laughing)

- Maybe I can
speak with my father

about finding you something new.

- Okay, but no hurry.

(yelling) Magazines
should go to your home.

(audience laughing)

- I have never been so
upset in my entire life.

- Alright, I'll bite,
what's the matter?

- My friend Benny told
me to stop calling her.

She says I use people and
that I owe her 5,000 dollars

and really only the
second thing is true.

She was my best friend and
now I have driven her away.

- You know what, Nina,

I'm sorry your upset, I
don't know what to say.

- Well of course you don't,

no I want to speak
to your new girlfriend.

- Stella?

- Yeah, she's a
therapist, right?

- Yeah, but I don't
want you seeing her,

that would be too weird.

- No, no, but I want
to see someone today.

- There are like a million
therapists in this city.

- Yeah, and most
of them are useless,

but Stella gets results.

- How do you know?

- Well, look at you.

A lot of people around here
are starting to like you again.

(audience laughs)

- Forget it.

- Fine.

The next time you
ever break down,

see if I let you talk to any

of the people I'm
having sex with.

(audience laughing)

(funky music)

- Well, if Kevin wants
to change a pace,

he can be my chauffeur.

- What happened to Gus?

- He kept saying, "I
wish a righteous rain

"would wash the city clean."

(audience laughs)

- Hey Jack, don't panic,

but your soon-to-be
ex-wife is on her way.

- Allie? Coming here?

- No problem, we've
rehearsed this a thousand times,

Operation Go-For-Home.

- No good, they're
painting the stairwell.

- I'm trapped, I'm trapped.

- Dad, get a drip.

- You get a grip.

First, she cheats on
me and breaks my heart

and now she's
dragging out the divorce.

I don't want to see her.

- For god sakes, the
woman is half your age.

- What's that go to
do with anything?

(audience laughing)

- I'm not sure.

I'm just so use to saying it.

(audience laughing)

- Don't worry,
I'll take care of it.

Just stay here,
absolute silence.

- I understand...(Dennis
speaks gibberish)

- But should I... (Dennis
speaks gibberish)

Well I just...(Dennis
speaks gibberish)

(audience laughs)

- Hey everybody,
it's me, hey Dennis.

- Allie, what it be
in the house of D?

- What have you been up to?

- Oh, not much,
auditing a cooking class

and the cat sitting business
is really (swoosh) taking off.

How about you?

- Oh you know, just working out,

seeing friends, getting
divorce, is he in?

- Oh, Jack?

Yeah, he just took off.

- Oh foo.

- Foo indeed, but let
me make it up to you.

I'll take you into the
lobby and buy you yogurt.

- Nonfat?

- You bet.

- With chocolate sprinkles?

- Anything you want.

- Okay, let's do it.

- Alright.

(audience laughing)

- No.

- Jack we need to talk.

Hello, Maya.

- Hello, stepmother.

(audience laughs)

- Jack, I'm so ashamed.

(audience laughs)

- That's alright, Dennis,

this won't be forgotten.

How can I help
you? I'm very busy.

- Then I'll get
right to the point.

I want to sign the divorce
papers and end this.

- You mean it?

- I do, I just have
one last little request.

- Thank god,
anything to end this.

What do you want?
The summer house?

The Shigar? Name
it and make my day.

- I want a job here at Blush.

(audience laughs)

- When your left arm goes
numb, is that a good thing?

(audience laughs)

(funky music)

- You want to work here?

- Well, why not?

I mean all my friends
have their things.

Margo reads to the blind,
Fiona rescues greyhounds.

I want to write a column
about being pretty.

(audience laughing)

- That's impossible.

Maya, tell her why
that's impossible.

- Because my dad
just can't go around

handing out jobs to relatives...

(audience laughs)


- Hey, what if I set you
up at our downtown office

or you could work
out of your apartment

or I'm just right
braining it here,

we get you a rabbit.

You'd have a job you could hug.

(audience laughs)

- I've seen it, big floppy
ears, take the rabbit.

(audience laughing)

- Oh I see, you don't
think I'm serious.

Okay, I'll tell you what.

I'll call my lawyer

and we'll start these nasty
negotiations all over again.

- Why do they get
smarter after the breakup?

(audience laughing)

- Because you find
them in high school.

(audience laughing)

- I'm going to need
to think about this.

- Fine, I'll go out and
run some errands,

but when I come back I expect

to start my new job
writing my column

and I'd like to see the rabbit.

(audience laughing)

- I don't want her here.

It hurts every time I see her,

what am I gonna do?

- Hire her.

- Why don't you just hook
his nars up to a car battery

and start it?

What are you talking about?

(audience laughing)

- Listen to me,

Allie has the attention
span of a hummingbird.

Give her the column,
she'll get bored,

she'll leave, problem solved.

- But meanwhile, she'll be
here reminding me everyday

that I got dumped.

- Yes, and you'll be
here reminding her

that she married for
money and it didn't go well.

(audience laughs)

- Dennis, get her out of here.

(audience laughs)

(funky music)

- So, on our way to Vermont,

would you mine if we
dropped in on my parents?

- Oh, your parents.

- Maybe it's too soon for you.

- Oh, no no, I'm
just a little surprised.

- I'm sensing it's
too soon for you.

- Well, maybe just a little

and now I feel guilty.

- Guilt is for people who
have done something wrong.

Have you done something wrong?

- No.

- So, begone guilt.

- Woo, where were you
when my mother found me

rubbing against
the sewing manikin?

(audience laughs)

- I'm glad you feel so
comfortable with me.

- Oh yeah.

(crying in the background)

- Somethings wrong
with that woman...

(woman crying)

- Oh for god sakes.

- She seems heartbrokend.

- Really? It sounds
like laughing to me.

(audience laughs)

- Hello, Elliot.

Are you happy with the soup?

- You know this woman?

- Stella, this is Nina Van Horn,

Nina, Stella Rudin.

- Really? What kind of doctor?

- Sorry?

- I told Nina that
you were a therapist

and she wanted to see you,

but I explained that
would be inappropriate.

- Of course you're right,
what's wrong with me?

(Nina exclaims)
What's wrong with me?

- Nina, it's alright, sit down.

(audience laughing)

- We're having lunch.

- Honey, why don't you
go down to the bookstore

and see if you can't find
us something on Vermont?

- Okay.

You're very sweet
for doing this.

- Elliot, please,
I'm in session.

(audience laughing)

- And that's why a powerful
hairdryer is a girls best pal

next to money and
a boyfriend, the end.

(audience laughs)

So, is it good enough for Blush?

- Sadly, yes.

- So, where is my dad hiding?

- In the limo, he's circling
the block until she leaves.

- It's so unfair.

Why am I stuck here with her

and how did she get
her hair that shiny?

(audience laughs)

- She rinses it in a
basement of Jack's tears.

(audience laughs)

- Hey, what's
another word for foot?

- How about (sarcastically)
walking hand?

- Yes.

(audience laughs)

So, when do I get a message
slot with my name on it?

- I put it in the paperwork,
these things take awhile.

(audience laughs)

- Dennis, I know this is a
ookie situation for everyone,

but you and I were friends once.

- Oh, were we?

- Remember calling
each other during Buffy?

- I don't remember that.

- When Angel found
the chalice of poison

and you freaked out.

- The battle between
good and evil

is something we
should all care about.

(audience laughs)

- Oh, come on.

- Why are you even here?

- To write my column.

- Oh yeah, you want to write
like I want to shrink an inch.

- I am a writer, I mean
I have good ideas.

- Ideas like what? Cheating
on Jack with a tennis pro?

Rebuttal, three,
two, one, nothing.

(audience laughs)

- Why are you being
so mean to me?

- Because you've only come
back to hurt that poor man.

Because you've
gone all rotten inside.

Because you've tasted
pain and decided you liked it.

(audience laughing)
- (Allie yells) Stop it.

- You're here to twist the
knife, aren't you sister?

Aren't you? Admit
it you bloodsucker.

- (yelling) No, I'm
here because I love him

and I want him back.

- Oh, oh, that's
actually kind of sweet.

(audience laughing)

(funky music)

- That's why I'm here

because I realized I blew
a good thing with Jack

and I want him back.

- Well, why don't
you go tell him?

- He won't even be in
the same room with me.

I mean I thought if I
could be around him,

he'd remember what
he loved about me.

I'm just kidding myself.

I my as well go.

- And now the couple will
renew their wedding vows.

- I, Jack Gallo,

would like to thank the man

who made this all possible.

(audience laughing)

♪ Dennis Finch is a cinch

♪ You're my best man
♪ I'm impressed man

♪ So to you I now say

♪ I was low with that
low when you spoke up

♪ Allie woke up

♪ And now she's wearing my ring

♪ She has a doll as his wife

♪ She said, Bye
Jack, see you later

♪ Ha ♪ Once more
the husband and wife

♪ And all because you
stopped her at the elevator

(audience laughing)

- Elevator, wait.

Allie, allie, don't
go, wait, stop.

I'll help you get Jack back.

- Really?

- Yeah, you go get Jack.

I'll wear something hot.

Wait, switch that.

- Okay.

(audience laughing)

(funky music)

- I just feel so much better.

Oh, how can I ever repay you?

I mean without money,
exchanging hands.

(audience laughs)

- It's on me.

- You know just what to say.

(audience laughs)

- Are you done?

- Oh yeah, we talked it all over

and now my guilt is begone.

- Well, good for you.

Hello, wonderful.

Look what I got.

A Lover's Guide to Vermont.

- I'm breaking up with you.

(audience laughing)

- Oh, don't look at me.

All I did was talk about
myself and my issues.


- Yes, oh, tell me about oh.

- Well, as I recall I
may have mentioned

that your a chronic womanizer

with an overwhelming
fear of commitment.

- Why would you tell her that?

- Well, because she
asked me about my friends.

- That's not even true.

I lived with Maya
for nine months.

- Yeah, and it drove you insane.

- Yeah, well you
try living with her.

(audience laughs)

- You really should
get some therapy.

- You know what, you
are a certifiably psycho.

(audience laughing)

- No I'm not.

I'm a co-dependent narcissistic

who's just a little boy crazy.

(audience laughing)

(funky music)

- Don't worry, she's gone.

- Good.

I was gonna go work
at the beach house,

but Dan Radin moved next door

and he's got some
sort of rooster.

- Noisy and no eggs, bummer.

- (yells) No.

- Hello, Jack.

- Dennis, what the hell?

- Don't wig out, she
has something to tell you

and trust me you
want to hear it.

- Thank you, Dennis.

- It's in God's hands now.

(audience laughing)

- Well?

- Jack,

I'm still in love with you.

I made a terrible mistake

and I want us to
be together again.

I miss you so much.

Please take me back.

- Is that chocolate milk?

- Sure is.

- What are you celebrating?

(audience laughing)

- Little tiny piece of magic
created by yours truly.

- What do you mean?

- Stick around and see,

grab a tissue it might
get a little emotional.

- (exclaiming) Thanks
for setting me up, you jerk.

- Allie...
- Go to hell.

- Dennis,

was she crying?

- Yeah.

- Good, we'll get
the security tape,

get liquored up and
watch it in slow motion.

(audience laughs)

- What exactly happened?

- She came crawling
back and I rejected her.

Now she knows how it feels.

Thank you, Dennis.

- Me? For what?

- Don't be so modest.

You let her in here
like a lamb to slaughter.

You should be very
proud of yourself.

- Yeah.

Yeah, I guess.

(audience laughing)

- Oh, Mr. Adlick, come on in.

- I got both my shoes
on today without a fight.

(audience laughing)

- Well done.

- Stella...

- Elliot, what are
you doing here?

- Oh please, I
have to talk to you

and you won't take my calls.

- May I sit in your chair?

- No.

- Alright then.

(audience laughing)

- Listen, I found out
what Nina said about me

and she's wrong.

She's completely wrong.

- Elliot, I can't discuss
what a patient told me

during a session.

- Oh, but you can
dump me because of it.

- Yes, I can do that.

(audience laughs)

- Believe me, Stella.

I am capable of commitment.

- I love chocolate.

- Stay out of my purse.

(audience laughing)

- Alright then.

(audience laughing)

- Elliot, it's no use.

You're in your late 30's.
You've never been married.

It all makes sense now

and I've treated
enough patients to know

men like you don't change.

- If you give me
a chance I can...

- Hello, young lovers.

- Oh god.

- Don't feel obliged to
leave, this concerns you.

- Go away.

- Stella, I mislead you.

Elliot is not a
chronic womanizer.

- See?

- He's crazy about you

and he would never
do anything to hurt you.

- Really, is that true?

- Of course it is.

- And he's not
afraid of commitment.

- That's all I'm saying...

- He yearns for commitment,
he hungers for commitment.

- Well...

- He wants to settle
down for the rest of his life

with one woman and
that woman is you.

- Okay, then.

- Oh no, Elliot, don't
hide your feelings.

He loves you, he's told
me so a thousand times.

- You love me?

- Nina.

- He wants to have babies
with you and call them,

Buster, and Audrey, and Skip.

- Will you shut the hell up?

I would never marry this women.

- I'll marry you.

(audience laughing)

(funky music)

- And then I said,
take you back,

I'd rather eat my own hair.

- So, you wanna talk about
the Calvin Klein meeting?

- I hurt her the way she hurt me

and it was sweet.

- Because you know we're
going to be there in 10 minutes.

- I broke her spirit.

I took her on a
trip to Bummerland.

(audience laughing)

- Bummerland?

- It was something
Allie use to say,

she use to have all
these dumb expressions.

- I remember.

- I can't believe I use
to think they were cute.

Like on Sunday, she'd
make me pancakes,

but call them jackflaps.

- Bleh.

- No kidding, blah.

Then, on my birthday
she'd make a paper crown

and call me the love king.

- Oh, well there you go.

- And I'd be in
charge the whole day.

- Yes.

- Because I was the love
king. (audience laughs)

- Can we talk about
something else?

- Of course we can.

I want her back.

- I know you do.

- It's so obvious.

(audience laughing)

- You think I'm a fool?

- Dad, it doesn't really
matter what I think.

- Yes, it does.

I'm acting from my gut,

should I take her back?

- Have you forgiven her?

- I want to.

- I don't want to see
you get hurt again.

- I know, but if I do can
I come crying to you?

- Yes.

- That's good enough for me.


- I know back to the
office for more work.

- No, straight to Allie's.

- I was kidding.

(audience laughing)

Nobody gets me.

(audience laughing)

(knocks on door)

- How do I look?

- Like a movie star.

- Thanks.

- Like Anthony Quinn or
who's the one that just died?

- Never mind.

(audience laughing)

(knocks on door)

- Not home, but I
still have her key.

We'll just leave this
inside with a nice note.

- Did you hear knocking?

- It was really whappity-whap.

(audience laughing)

(funky music)