Just Shoot Me! (1997–2003): Season 5, Episode 8 - Slamming Jack - full transcript

When Jack makes Dennis do frivolous errands, Dennis has a meltdown. Jack then sends him to another department where he learns is where Jack sends anyone he gets ticked off with. And Elliot ...

- I'm sure he'll be all right.



House of Finch, tell the D.

What it be?

Dennis, it be Jack.

Listen, I'd like you to
do something for me.

- Right.

Jack, do not make
the midnight fridge run.

Nothing tastes as
good as being thin feels.

Pudding is not your friend.

Pudding isn't...
- No.

My clock just broke
and I need you

to wake me at 5 a.m.
so I can go fishing.

- Why don't you just call one
of those wake up services?

I just did.



- Jack, it's Finch.

Dennis, are you insane?

It's five in the morning.

- I know, you
wanted me to call you.

You wanna go fish.

Oh, all right.

Good man.

You know, the fish will
still be there in 10 minutes.

Hit the snooze button
and call me back.

- Jack, get up
this time, seriously.

Who am I kidding?

I'm not going fishing.

But I feel like some
smoked salmon.

Tell you what, on
the way to the office

pick me up some lox
and we'll call it even.

- How is that even?

You're right.

Get yourself a hot cocoa.

- Hot cocoa.

What am I, 10 years old?


- Maya.


- Elliot, what are
you doing here?

- You said you were
going to the gym

between work and the doctors,

somebody forgot your bag.
- Oh, you are so thoughtful.

- So this is a gynecologist

- office, huh?
- Mm-hmm

- I had always thought
there'd be, you know,

I don't know, pictures
of uteruses on the wall.

- There are.

- Oh.


- You may go.

- Bye.

I'm gone.

Leave you girls to
do your girl thing.

- Maya.

- Hi, Dr. Rose.

Okay, I'll see you later.

- Maya, I went to that
French place you suggested.


- Oh, tell me you had the duck.

- No, no I didn't.
- Oh.

- Yes I did.

- Oh, you're terrible.

- Is there some sort
of observation deck?



Guess who has an office
on the floor right below us.

- A tax attorney who
refuses to leave his wife.

- A female gynecologist.

I got her card.

- Why?

- It'll be so
convenient for you.

- Dr. Rose is a block away.

- Ah, but having a
woman gynecologist

would be one small way to say,

"Hey, male power
structure, hands off."

- Oh, I get it.

This is because Dr. Rose
is good looking, isn't it?

- Oh, is he?

I hadn't noticed.

- Elliott, please.

It doesn't matter.

Do you think I
enjoy going there?

- I don't know.

You two seemed very friendly.

- Don't be such a child.

It's a clinical
interaction between

a woman and a
medical professional

trained to examine
her padoodle-doo.

- All right, fine.

I admit it.

It bothers me a
little bit that a guy

that good looking is the one
who, who is that guy, you know?

- Well, I'm sorry, but
I'm not changing doctors,

and I think you're
being a little silly.

- Well, maybe I am silly
and irrational, all right?

But that's how I feel.

The same way you feel the need

to sleep with the
closet light on.

- Hey, something
could emerge from there.

- Are you hearing this?

- Hey, don't laugh.

There's an angry
ghost in my wet bar.

Good morning, Finch.

- Mine, mine, mine.

- What's with you?

- Jack is ridiculous.

Massage my charlie horse.

Rotate my sofa cushions.

Smell my milk.

He's a weirdo.

Even I have limits...

- And that's why I love sex.

- Morning Jack.

- Jack.

- Morning.

Oh, we're all here.

Let's get started.

I need breakfast and the
sketches for the spring layout.

Oh, I didn't want
capers on my lox.

- You didn't want
capers, did ya?

You hear him, gang?

Guy doesn't like capers.

Well guess what?

I just got a new caper scraper,

and it's coming in
handy the first day.

There you go.

No capers, you bloated,
selfish son of a bitch.

Eat up!


I told him somethin'.

Man's gotta do
what a man's gotta.

I don't feel good.

I can't believe I
said that to him.

I can't think, I can't move.

- And yet you brought
us to a strip club.

- Yeah, I got to eat, don't I?

- Ahh, the theater.

- There you go.

Hey, you guys, thanks
for coming out with me.

I was such an idiot today.

- Don't be so hard on yourself.

- Three years doing that
job, you were bound to snap.

- Yeah, it's been nine.

- Sorry.

- Yeah, anyway I'm screwed.

I can never face him again.

- Finch, say
nothing, do nothing.

- Oh my god, is
there a spider on me?

Get it.

- No, no.

I mean about Jack.

If you act like nothing
happened, then he will, too.

I'm telling you,
he'll just forget it.

- Nina, I yelled at the man.

I screamed in his face.

- Yeah, and I once
set him on fire.

I said nothing,
and now here I am,

dining out on the
company credit card.

I'll be right back.

I'm gonna request a song.

- Maybe she's right.

Is that a new girl?

- Oh, my god.

I think that's, I think
that's Maya's gynecologist.

- Hey man, your
dollar, your fantasy.


- Yeah.

- Hey.

Got your sales report,
schedule, and two birthday cards

for your mom for
you to pick from.

- Hmm, let's have a look.

Oh, that Garfield.

- I know, he's the
laziest cat in the world.

- Jack.

Here are the models
we can choose

from for the sportswear layout.

- Ah!

Uh, Nina...

- Yes, Jack?

- These three look good.

You choose.

Oh, you got it.

- If I could just get your
John Holmes on this.

Be right out of your hair.

- And Dennis, actually
there is one thing.

- There is one thing.

You're right.

I am so sorry about
what I said this morning.

It was ridiculous.

I was out of line.

It won't happen again ever.

- Let's not even talk about it.

- Really?
- Please.

- God, wow.

Thanks, Jack.

- Anyway, what I was going
to say is I need you to take on

a special assignment
at our downtown office.

- We have a downtown office?

- Indeed we do.

Here's the address.

- I won't disappoint you.

- Off you go.

- And what will I be doing?

- Putting out fires.

Quieting the storm.

That place is a madhouse.

- Hey, I'm Dennis Finch.

I'm here to quiet the storm.

- Oh, well hi, Dennis.

I'm Stan, and
welcome to data entry.

- What's that smell?

- We're not sure.

But fresh flowers
do not do well here.

Anyway, help yourself to coffee.

It's hazelnut today.

- I never knew this
place was down here.

What do you guys do?

- Oh, wow.

I mean, what don't we do?

We do change of address.

We do subscriber indexing.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Down, down!

- What, did you drop something?

- What the hell was that?

- What was what?

Oh, the subway.

You won't even notice
it after a few months.

- Oh, um.

I won't be here a few months.

You see, I'm Jack
Gallo's assistant.

No, I am for real.

- Yeah, no, no.

I believe you.

What'd you do to piss him off?

- What makes you
think I pissed him off?

- Well, that's why
he sent me here

nine years ago when
I was his assistant.

- I don't care what you
say, Jack did not banish me.

- You know, this all
sounds so familiar.

Carol Anne, you remember
when I first got here?

It was, "Hey, this place smells.

"What's that noise?

"I miss Jack."

- Look, he may be mad at
me, but we have a special bond.

I'm like the... The
son he never had.

- Don't!

Get out of my head!

- Oh now, Dennis,
think about it though.

Jack would never fire you.

No, no, no, no, no.

That might make him feel guilty.

Much easier just to
send you off into exile.

No embarrassing
scene, no confrontation.

- Yeah?

Well, I'm gonna
confront him right now.

- Oh, you know, you might
wanna wipe off that mouthpiece.

We got a thing
going around here.

- Gross.

Hey, Jack, it's Dennis.

- Dennis!

How goes it?

- Well, not too
good, actually...

- I wanna hear all about it,

but could you
just hold on a sec?

- He's happy to hear from me.

We're gonna clear
this whole thing up.

- This is so hard to watch.

Mr. Finch?

Jack is out of town.

Can I take a message?

- I just talked to him.

Who is this?

- I'm Jarod.

I'm new.

- Maya, I have some news
that's gonna freak you out

a little bit, but
you have to hear it.

Dr. Rose was at
a strip club today.

- What?

- Yup.

He had his arm around a stripper

and he was heading
for a lap dance.

- And you would know this how?

- Hey, I was only
there to cheer up

Finch because he was so upset.

I mean, because of
what happened with Jack.

Is that a new blouse?

But the point is that he
was there, your Dr. Fabulous.

- Did you talk to him?

- Well, no.

He was going the other
direction, but the waitress says

that she sees him
there every day at lunch.

- Mm-hmm.

- What?

Remember when
you thought you saw

Tom Hanks in the pottery barn?

- This is different!

- Listen to yourself.

First you're jealous of the guy.

Then you want me
to get a new doctor.

Then you see the
back of someone's head

at a strip club,
and all of a sudden,

my doctor is a pervert,
and you're here to save me!

- Well, aside from
the sarcastic tone,

yeah, that's pretty much it.

Maya, he was there.

Go back with me
tomorrow, and I'll prove it.

- Oh, prove what?

That you are
completely controlled

by your own insecurities?
- Oh, no.

You'll be there.

You'll see the
man is a sleazeball.

- Fine, all right.

I'll go.

If it'll shut you up.

- Thank you.

- Hold it.

- The budget allocation
proposals are ready.

I've sent your font
selection to the printer

and you wanted to dictate a
thank-you note to Mr. Trump.

- Ah, you are so efficient.

- I value your praise.

- Okay.

Dear Donald, thank
you for the scotch.

You certainly know your man.

Now help me out.

I want something
snappy to finish it off.

- Oh, how about best regards?

- No, no, no, no.

I mean something zippy.

- Oh, zippy.

How about toodles?

- Maybe I'll just call him.

Ah, 4:00 o'clock.

Time for your allergy pill.

- Good lord, how'd
you know about that?

- I found these notes in your
old assistant's desk drawer.

- To whom it may
concern, from Dennis Finch,

"Everything you need to
know to take care of Jack Gallo

"in the event of my
death or disappearance."

Work habits, domestic life.

Fears and phobias.

And finally.

Always remember he
can be petty and stubborn,

sometimes even hurtful, but
such is the price of greatness.


- And you found these
in his desk drawer?

- Yes, sir.

Along with some maps of
a country called Finchitania.

Apparently everyone
travels by water slide.

- Of course they do.

- No?

I'm here.

I'm looking.

I don't see him.

I'm leaving.

- He's here.

I feel his creepy vibe.

There he is, right there.

- Oh, my god, it's Tom Hanks.

- Very funny, very funny.

- Well?

- I don't know.

All right, I was wrong.

Maybe I am just insecure.

I am sorry.

No I'm not, there he is!

- Nice.


- That's not him.

- What are you talking about?

Of course that's him.

- No, it's not, let's go.

- You are unbelievable.

You call me irrational?

The man is sitting 10 feet away,

and you still can't
admit you're wrong?

- And you know why?

Because it is not him!

- Yeah, hello. I
just got a page.


This is Dr. Rose.



Rose, rose, rose,
like the flower.

- Oh, did you mean that guy?

Yeah, that's him.

- Nina, you got my message.

- Oh, I brought you
some doughnuts.

- Yes, don't show the others.

- Well, well, well.

Nina Van Horn.

- Stan.

A distinct displeasure.

- Just like old times.

- Oh, those were the days.

- Oh, boy.

- Yeah.

I should go, but
I'll come back soon.

- No, wait.

I won't be here.

Right about now, Jack should
be realizing that I'm quitting.

- You sent in your resignation?

- In a way.

In a way, I guess I did.

- Oh, this whole
thing is just so unfair.

I mean, everyone
thinks you got a raw deal.

- Yes.

- I'm gonna miss you.

- Come here.

- Get away, you're dead to me.

- Jack?

Oh my god.

You're here.

I can't believe this.

I have been thinking about

this moment for
the past nine years.

Okay, I guess now
the healing can begin.

- Dennis, I want you back.

- What?

- You want me back?

- I do.

- Wait a minute.

This is unfair.

I mean why him and not me?

- Because Dennis is
more than just an assistant.

He's my friend.

- Oh, no.

- Even when I'm hurtful.

- You weren't
supposed to see that.

- But Jack, you and I
used to be friends, too!

I mean what happened?

How did we drift apart?

Does either one of
us even remember?

- My birthday, the
Russian Tea Room.

You sat down naked in my cake.

- I thought you were finished.

- Dennis, I'm sorry.

I was a jerk.

I mean, using you
as an alarm clock

to go catch some stupid fish.

- Ah, fish.

Here's the thing, Jack.

- Dennis, can you
ever forgive me?

- Well, of course, but there...

- That's my boy.

Now, what do you say we
head on back to the office?

- Right, the office.

- It'll be good to have you
back where you belong.

- Yeah.

See you guys in a little bit.

♪ Life keeps bringin'
me back to you

♪ Keeps bringin' me home

♪ It don't matter
what I wanna do

♪ 'Cause it's got
a mind of its own

♪ Whoo

♪ Life keeps bringin'
me back to you