Just Shoot Me! (1997–2003): Season 5, Episode 9 - Dog Day Afternoon - full transcript

Maya and Elliot take in a lost dog. Everything is fine until Finch convinces Elliot that Maya has gotten the dog to test his fatherhood skills. Meanwhile Jack wins the lottery but Finch never bought the ticket in the first place.

- Jack?


Hello, Nina, come on in!

Why, thank you, Jack.

You look powerful today

and you look young and thin.

Jack, I've been
thinking, I need a raise.

Well, I'm sorry but
you can't have one.

But Jack, I work
so hard for you.

But you're late and you
take six-hour lunches

and Finch says you steal.

But Jack, this job
is all I have and I try,

I try so hard I only want,

I only wanna please you.

So, what's it gonna take, Jack?

Dammit, what's it gonna take?

- Hello, Nina.

- I can't work under
these conditions!

- Dennis.

Did you get my dry cleaning?

- Yup.

- Did you play my
lottery numbers?

- Yup.

- Biggity buggity boo.

- Yup.

- Good morning, Finch.

- I'm surprised you made it in.

- And why is that?

- I'm always surprised
you make it in.

- What are you implying?

- I'm not really
implying anything.

I'm saying you reek like
a Bob Marley concert.

- Oh please, I have
long since outgrown

that kind of foolishness.

- Oh, is that a dog?

- Oh thank god, you see it, too.

- Isn't he adorable?

He just followed me!

- Hey, who's dog is this?

- He came running
up to me on the street

and started begging
for my scone.

- Cat wouldn't do that.

Too much pride.

You know, dogs are the
whores of the animal kingdom.

Look it up.

- He doesn't have a
collar, can we keep him?

- You know, I never
had a dog before?

- Oh, they're great.

We had one on the farm.

He only had three legs,

but tremendous testicles.

- Anyway.

I'll set everything up.

I'll clear it with the landlord

and line up his shots

and get him a dog bed.

- Yeah, and if he's
anything like Patches,

a pair of bicycle shorts.

- Elliot, please?

- He is a cute little fella.

What do you say, you
wanna live with us?

- Oh, thank you so much, ooh!

Come on, Henry!

- Haha, she's already named him.

- Mm.

Yeah, just like a baby.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

- Baby's sure are cute.

- Yeah, I guess.

- And the womens, they
likes to be havin' 'em.

- Alright, what's going on?

- She's testing you, brother.

She wants to be a mommy!

- And she's using the dog

to see what kind of a
daddy you're gonna be.

- Come on, Maya's not like that.

- Oh really, then tell me why
she wrote an article called,

"Can Your Dude Be A Dad?

"Get A Dog.".

July '99.

In the same issue, there was
sexy getaways for sexy people.

They all go to Hawaii, does
anyone read this magazine?

- Look, if Maya was thinking
about babies, she'd tell me.

- You're so stupid
it makes me tired.

She is telling you!

- Using the dog
instead of words.

- No, no, you guys
are way off based.

We just moved in together.

We're taking it
very, very slowly.

Who's Mommy's
little fluff puddle?

- Who indeed?

Excuse me, that's recyclable.

- Now, we'll see
who's testing who.

- Hey!

- How's our boy?

What's going on here?

- Oh, that?

You know, I was
trying to do some work

and he was

you know, roaming around,
sniffing stuff, wagging his tail.

- Elliot, that's what dogs do!

- Not on my watch.

- Did you at least feed him?

- Tried, but he's not hungry.

- Oh, that's funny.

He hasn't eaten all day,

he should be gobbling up his

pineapple chunks?

- You know, maybe
his tummy's full

from the oven mitt.

- He ate an oven mitt?

- I don't know, he
was chewing on it

and now I can't find it.

- But you know there's a
bag of dog chow in the kitchen.

- Look, I can't be opening
and searching for bags

and constantly
dealing with bags!

- Do you know how to
take care of anything?

- I guess I don't.

- Do you just not
want to have this dog?

- I, I mean, you know.

I mean, you know,
he's fine, here you go.

- Well, I love you

and I'm going to go get
you some proper food!

- Hey, Maya.

No more beer
until he learns to sit.

- Good morning, Dennis.

Did you...

- Oh yeah, the
donut's on your desk,

the tux is in your closet

and the doctor
called to remind you

no prunes.

- And my lottery ticket?

- Ooh, it's tucked safely
away in my drawer.

- Ooh, that's good to hear

because I won!
- What?

- Yes!

I got five out of six
numbers, Dennis.

That's a cool $50 thou.

- Oh my god, I can't believe it.

- I know, I never win.

I mean, I may live a life
most men only dream about,

but I never win lotteries.

Until now!

- So good.

Congratulations, you rule!

- I do, don't I?
- Yeah!

- You're the king,
the luck meister.

- Yeah, a real big shot.

What are we doing?

- Jack just hit the lottery.

- Wow.

The rich keep getting richer.

- Not really.

I didn't buy the ticket.

- What?

- I never do.

I buy candy.

I never thought
he'd actually win.

I mean, guys like him don't win,

it's always 12 yahoos
from a muffler shop.

Now what?

What am I gonna tell him?

- May I do it?

- No, Nina.

You have to help me
find a way out of this.

- Why should I?

- Because.

Because I know about that

that thing you did.

- You're bluffing.

- The bad thing.

- I don't wanna go to jail.

- Well, I've got good
news for one of us.

- Oh yeah?

- I found Henry's
rightful owners.

- What do you mean?

- Well, Henry's from Long Island

and his family was in
the city last weekend

and lost him in Central Park.

I brought him back this morning.

- You did?

- Yeah.

So, it's goodbye, Henry,

and your life can
get back to normal.

- Oh, look, I'm sorry.

I know you kinda liked him.

- I liked him!
- Awe.

- Maybe we can go out and get
a goldfish or something, hmm?

- Yeah.

- Or at least a plant.
- I guess.

- Well.

Meanwhile, life goes on.

So does work.

- I'll be okay.
- I'm sure you will.

- Elliot?

- He forgot his pig!

- Elliot?

- Don't look at me!

- You're crying over the dog?

- I know I'm
supposed to be cool.

How could you give him away?

- I gave him back, and
since when do you even care

about Henry?

- Since always.

When he nuzzled my
ear with his cold little nose.

It was like he just accepted me.

- When was there nuzzling?

- Oh, what do you care?

You gave him away!

I'm sorry.

- I never even saw
you look at him!

- Well, I was
teaching you a lesson.

I thought you were
giving me the father test

like in that Dogs
and Dudes article.

- Why would you
even believe that?

- Well, why would you
write it if you didn't?

- Look, 4,000 words a
month, you give it a shot.

- So, you weren't testing me?

- I just liked the dog.

- Me too.

I never had a dog before.

- Yes, I'm beginning
to realize that.

- You know, he liked it
when you scratched him?

- Yeah, he was
a dog in a million.

Hey, why don't you go visit him?

- No, what good would that do?

- Well, you could say goodbye.

Maybe it'll make
you feel better.

You could meet his family.

- Make sure he's okay?

- Yeah.

- And happy?

- Of course.

- Or they'll find themselves
dealing with Elliot DeMoro!

- Yeah.

- Although, I should
get some water,

I'm all thirsty from crying.

- Good, there you are.

I think I figured a way
out of this lottery mess.

- Wait.

What if

we enter the lottery
in a different state,

win that and give
Jack back the $50,000.

Or, maybe a little less.

He'll never count it.

- Can I do this by myself?


Okay, here's the deal.

This office has a
stiff cross breeze.

If you bust through that
door and this window's open,

anything not nailed
down on this desk

will be sucked out.

- Alright, fine,
I'll be careful.

So, what's the plan?

- I doctored up a
phony lottery ticket

with Jack's winning numbers.

I lay it on the desk.

You wait outside.

When I say lucky day,

you bust open the door,

ticket fly out window,
I'm off the hook.

- Lucky day?

- Yes, lucky day.

- Okay, I got it.

- Alright, here he
comes, act casual.

There he is, it's
diamond Jack Gallo.

- That's me!

- The big winner!

Mr. Lottery, fortunate son.

- Just give me the ticket.

- There it is, Dennis.

Something for nothing.

I love America.

- Yes.

Savor the moment.

Because this is your lucky day.

- Yes it is, my lucky day!

- It's your lucky day!

- My lucky day!

- Lucky day!

- Can't say it enough!

- Marvin Gaye.

Wait till he says Marvin Gaye.

- Lucky day!

- Lucky day!

- Screw it, I'm goin' in.


- Oh, oh!
- Oh, gosh.

- Somebody grab it!

- Get it!

- What do you know?

- Dennis, do something!

- Oh, I'm afraid
I'm all of miracles.

- Well, if there's nothing else.

- Whoa!
- Oh!

- Wow.

That's like winning twice.

Say it with me, Dennis.

Lucky day!

- Lucky day.

- Hello, can I help you?

- I'm Elliot DeMoro.

My girlfriend and I
took care of Henry.

- Who?

Oh, you mean Ranger!

- Ranger?

- I'm Larry Hamilton.

Thank you, thank you so much!

We were devastated.

We couldn't eat,
we couldn't sleep.

And yet you lost
him in the first place.

- I know.

See, a man in central
park had a seizure.

My wife and daughter
ran to find a phone

while I tried to calm him.

In all the chaos,
Ranger just disappeared.

- Well, nonetheless,
a tag would've helped.

- I used the collar
to keep the man

from swallowing his tongue.

- Well, we all make choices.

May I see the dog?

- Oh, of course!


He's in the back playing
with the other dogs

in the neighborhood.

- Oh, he has other
dogs to play with?

- Well, we have a big yard

and this is kind
of their hangout.

- Yard.

- Yeah, it sort of leads
into the state park.

- Wow.

Sounds pretty, pretty great.

Hey, there he is, there he is.

Oh re, mon ami!

Sometimes, we
pretend we're French.

- Once I gave him a french fry.

- Yeah, well that's
really not the same thing.

- Denise, this is Elliot.

He took care of Ranger.

Thank you, mister!

- You know, she had a terrible
stutter until we got Ranger.

Sweetie, would you like to
go and answer the phone?

- Oh boy!

- He really is a special dog.

We think so.

Daddy, it's Mr. Harris!

- I'm coming!

Probably heard we
got Ranger back.

The neighbors have
been calling all day.

Be right back.
- Okay, be right here.

Hey, friend!

That's right, he's back.

Yes, our prayers were answered.

- Do you have to do that here?

- Yes.

I can't move my station.

Any moment, Jack could leave

to cash that
phony lottery ticket.

I've gotta be here to
stop him somehow!

- Well, I wouldn't
worry about it.

- Why not?

- Well, because I saw
him leave half an hour ago.

- That's impossible,
I've never taken my eyes

off this door.

There's no way he...
Ooh, look who's back.

- Finch.

- Well, how-dee-do.

That's what I'm talkin' about.

Yeah, get that
all pretty, forget it.

What's going on, you gonna
get a little honey on that toast?

- Dennis.

- Ooh, I think that's
lookin' pretty good.

- Dennis.

- Oh, don't go runnin' away.

- Dennis!

- Where'd you come from?

- Dennis,

let me ask you something.

How long have we
known each other?

A long time!

That's how long.

- Listen, Jack.

- No, you listen.

Over the years, we've
developed a relationship

of trust and mutual respect.

- I shouldn't be watching this.

- Now, have I lived up
to my half of the bargain?

- Yes, Jack.

Of course you have.
- No, I have not.

- Excuse me?

- You've been my faithful
foot soldier all these years.

Doing my errands,

tending to my personal whims,

even buying this lottery ticket.

Or should I say
your lottery ticket?

- What?

- It's yours, Dennis.

The whole $50 thou.


I was gonna give you a
huge bonus this Christmas,

but when I was walking
to the lottery office,

I thought why wait?

Merry Christmas, Dennis!

- But, Jack.

- No, no.

No, no, not another word.

This is your lucky day!

Thank you, my friend.

God bless you.

- He knows its a phony ticket.

- That'd be my guess.

- Elliot?

They told me you went
home sick and I got worried

because I called,
but nobody an...

- Now, don't get mad.

- What is he doing here?

- Maya, it was awful.

They were this
really mean family.

They had him
locked up in this this

this enormous state park.

I've done a very bad thing.

- You stole him?

- Well, I don't know
what happened.

I was saying goodbye
and I felt that I had closure.

The next thing I know,
I'm running for my car

holding this wildly
urinating dog.

- Have you completely
lost your mind?

- I know, I know, I
have to bring him back.

- Well, I don't understand.

I mean, first you're
a complete jerk,

then you're a weeping mess,

and now you're a crazy
dog-napping psycho?

I just try to keep 100%
to this relationship

and I really don't feel
like you're doing your part.

- I think I wanna have a baby.

- Have you eaten today?

- I think I'm sure.

I wanna have a baby.

- Are you testing me, 'cause
I swear I wasn't testing you.

- But it was a test.

For me.

You see, I never gave
one thought to having kids

and not that it's the same
thing as having a dog,

but he was this little guy and

something kicked in.

Something I never expected.

- So you wanna have a kid.

- I do, with you.

I mean, when you're ready.

I can see that, in my head.

I mean, it seems right.

- The sweetest thing
you've ever said to me.

- It's how I feel.

- I love you.

- I love you, too.

- I can't believe
we're standing around

talking about getting
married and having kids.

- Uh.

Not to ruin the moment.

I don't think I
mentioned the M word.

- Okay, I'll just
leave you two alone.

- I mean, not
that I'm against it.

Big step tonight!

Take the dog back!

- Okay.

♪ Life keeps
bringing me back to you

♪ Keeps bringing me home

♪ It don't matter what
I'm gonna do 'cause

♪ It's got a mind of its own

♪ Life keeps
bringing me back to you