Just Shoot Me! (1997–2003): Season 5, Episode 9 - Dog Day Afternoon - full transcript

- Jack?

Ha!

Hello, Nina, come on in!

Why, thank you, Jack.

You look powerful today

and you look young and thin.

Jack, I've been
thinking, I need a raise.

Well, I'm sorry but
you can't have one.

But Jack, I work
so hard for you.

But you're late and you
take six-hour lunches

and Finch says you steal.



But Jack, this job
is all I have and I try,

I try so hard I only want,

I only wanna please you.

So, what's it gonna take, Jack?

Dammit, what's it gonna take?

- Hello, Nina.

- I can't work under
these conditions!

- Dennis.

Did you get my dry cleaning?

- Yup.

- Did you play my
lottery numbers?

- Yup.

- Biggity buggity boo.

- Yup.



- Good morning, Finch.

- I'm surprised you made it in.

- And why is that?

- I'm always surprised
you make it in.

- What are you implying?

- I'm not really
implying anything.

I'm saying you reek like
a Bob Marley concert.

- Oh please, I have
long since outgrown

that kind of foolishness.

- Oh, is that a dog?

- Oh thank god, you see it, too.

- Isn't he adorable?

He just followed me!

- Hey, who's dog is this?

- He came running
up to me on the street

and started begging
for my scone.

- Cat wouldn't do that.

Too much pride.

You know, dogs are the
whores of the animal kingdom.

Look it up.

- He doesn't have a
collar, can we keep him?

- You know, I never
had a dog before?

- Oh, they're great.

We had one on the farm.

He only had three legs,

but tremendous testicles.

- Anyway.

I'll set everything up.

I'll clear it with the landlord

and line up his shots

and get him a dog bed.

- Yeah, and if he's
anything like Patches,

a pair of bicycle shorts.

- Elliot, please?

- He is a cute little fella.

What do you say, you
wanna live with us?

- Oh, thank you so much, ooh!

Come on, Henry!

- Haha, she's already named him.

- Mm.

Yeah, just like a baby.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

- Baby's sure are cute.

- Yeah, I guess.

- And the womens, they
likes to be havin' 'em.

- Alright, what's going on?

- She's testing you, brother.

She wants to be a mommy!

- And she's using the dog

to see what kind of a
daddy you're gonna be.

- Come on, Maya's not like that.

- Oh really, then tell me why
she wrote an article called,

"Can Your Dude Be A Dad?

"Get A Dog.".

July '99.

In the same issue, there was
sexy getaways for sexy people.

They all go to Hawaii, does
anyone read this magazine?

- Look, if Maya was thinking
about babies, she'd tell me.

- You're so stupid
it makes me tired.

She is telling you!

- Using the dog
instead of words.

- No, no, you guys
are way off based.

We just moved in together.

We're taking it
very, very slowly.

Who's Mommy's
little fluff puddle?

- Who indeed?

Excuse me, that's recyclable.

- Now, we'll see
who's testing who.

Hey.
- Hey!

- How's our boy?

What's going on here?

- Oh, that?

You know, I was
trying to do some work

and he was

you know, roaming around,
sniffing stuff, wagging his tail.

- Elliot, that's what dogs do!

- Not on my watch.

- Did you at least feed him?

- Tried, but he's not hungry.

- Oh, that's funny.

He hasn't eaten all day,

he should be gobbling up his

pineapple chunks?

- You know, maybe
his tummy's full

from the oven mitt.

- He ate an oven mitt?

- I don't know, he
was chewing on it

and now I can't find it.

- But you know there's a
bag of dog chow in the kitchen.

- Look, I can't be opening
and searching for bags

and constantly
dealing with bags!

- Do you know how to
take care of anything?

- I guess I don't.

- Do you just not
want to have this dog?

- I, I mean, you know.

I mean, you know,
he's fine, here you go.

- Well, I love you

and I'm going to go get
you some proper food!

- Hey, Maya.

No more beer
until he learns to sit.

- Good morning, Dennis.

Did you...

- Oh yeah, the
donut's on your desk,

the tux is in your closet

and the doctor
called to remind you

no prunes.

- And my lottery ticket?

- Ooh, it's tucked safely
away in my drawer.

- Ooh, that's good to hear

because I won!
- What?

- Yes!

I got five out of six
numbers, Dennis.

That's a cool $50 thou.

- Oh my god, I can't believe it.

- I know, I never win.

I mean, I may live a life
most men only dream about,

but I never win lotteries.

Until now!

- So good.

Congratulations, you rule!

- I do, don't I?
- Yeah!

- You're the king,
the luck meister.

- Yeah, a real big shot.

What are we doing?

- Jack just hit the lottery.

- Wow.

The rich keep getting richer.

- Not really.

I didn't buy the ticket.

- What?

- I never do.

I buy candy.

I never thought
he'd actually win.

I mean, guys like him don't win,

it's always 12 yahoos
from a muffler shop.

Now what?

What am I gonna tell him?

- May I do it?

- No, Nina.

You have to help me
find a way out of this.

- Why should I?

- Because.

Because I know about that

that thing you did.

- You're bluffing.

- The bad thing.

- I don't wanna go to jail.

- Well, I've got good
news for one of us.

- Oh yeah?

- I found Henry's
rightful owners.

- What do you mean?

- Well, Henry's from Long Island

and his family was in
the city last weekend

and lost him in Central Park.

I brought him back this morning.

- You did?

- Yeah.

So, it's goodbye, Henry,

and your life can
get back to normal.

- Oh, look, I'm sorry.

I know you kinda liked him.

- I liked him!
- Awe.

- Maybe we can go out and get
a goldfish or something, hmm?

- Yeah.

- Or at least a plant.
- I guess.

- Well.

Meanwhile, life goes on.

So does work.

- I'll be okay.
- I'm sure you will.

- Elliot?

- He forgot his pig!

- Elliot?

- Don't look at me!

- You're crying over the dog?

- I know I'm
supposed to be cool.

How could you give him away?

- I gave him back, and
since when do you even care

about Henry?

- Since always.

When he nuzzled my
ear with his cold little nose.

It was like he just accepted me.

- When was there nuzzling?

- Oh, what do you care?

You gave him away!

I'm sorry.

- I never even saw
you look at him!

- Well, I was
teaching you a lesson.

I thought you were
giving me the father test

like in that Dogs
and Dudes article.

- Why would you
even believe that?

- Well, why would you
write it if you didn't?

- Look, 4,000 words a
month, you give it a shot.

- So, you weren't testing me?

- I just liked the dog.

- Me too.

I never had a dog before.

- Yes, I'm beginning
to realize that.

- You know, he liked it
when you scratched him?

- Yeah, he was
a dog in a million.

Hey, why don't you go visit him?

- No, what good would that do?

- Well, you could say goodbye.

Maybe it'll make
you feel better.

You could meet his family.

- Make sure he's okay?

- Yeah.

- And happy?

- Of course.

- Or they'll find themselves
dealing with Elliot DeMoro!

- Yeah.

- Although, I should
get some water,

I'm all thirsty from crying.

- Good, there you are.

I think I figured a way
out of this lottery mess.

- Wait.

What if

we enter the lottery
in a different state,

win that and give
Jack back the $50,000.

Or, maybe a little less.

He'll never count it.

- Can I do this by myself?

No.

Okay, here's the deal.

This office has a
stiff cross breeze.

If you bust through that
door and this window's open,

anything not nailed
down on this desk

will be sucked out.

- Alright, fine,
I'll be careful.

So, what's the plan?

- I doctored up a
phony lottery ticket

with Jack's winning numbers.

I lay it on the desk.

You wait outside.

When I say lucky day,

you bust open the door,

ticket fly out window,
I'm off the hook.

- Lucky day?

- Yes, lucky day.

- Okay, I got it.

- Alright, here he
comes, act casual.

There he is, it's
diamond Jack Gallo.

- That's me!

- The big winner!

Mr. Lottery, fortunate son.

- Just give me the ticket.

- There it is, Dennis.

Something for nothing.

I love America.

- Yes.

Savor the moment.

Because this is your lucky day.

- Yes it is, my lucky day!

- It's your lucky day!

- My lucky day!

- Lucky day!

- Can't say it enough!

- Marvin Gaye.

Wait till he says Marvin Gaye.

- Lucky day!

- Lucky day!

- Screw it, I'm goin' in.

Hello.

- Oh, oh!
- Oh, gosh.

- Somebody grab it!

- Get it!

- What do you know?

- Dennis, do something!

- Oh, I'm afraid
I'm all of miracles.

- Well, if there's nothing else.

- Whoa!
- Oh!

- Wow.

That's like winning twice.

Say it with me, Dennis.

Lucky day!

- Lucky day.

- Hello, can I help you?

- I'm Elliot DeMoro.

My girlfriend and I
took care of Henry.

- Who?

Oh, you mean Ranger!

- Ranger?

- I'm Larry Hamilton.

Thank you, thank you so much!

We were devastated.

We couldn't eat,
we couldn't sleep.

And yet you lost
him in the first place.

- I know.

See, a man in central
park had a seizure.

My wife and daughter
ran to find a phone

while I tried to calm him.

In all the chaos,
Ranger just disappeared.

- Well, nonetheless,
a tag would've helped.

- I used the collar
to keep the man

from swallowing his tongue.

- Well, we all make choices.

May I see the dog?

- Oh, of course!

Ranger!

He's in the back playing
with the other dogs

in the neighborhood.

- Oh, he has other
dogs to play with?

- Well, we have a big yard

and this is kind
of their hangout.

- Yard.

- Yeah, it sort of leads
into the state park.

- Wow.

Sounds pretty, pretty great.

Hey, there he is, there he is.

Oh re, mon ami!

Sometimes, we
pretend we're French.

- Once I gave him a french fry.

- Yeah, well that's
really not the same thing.

- Denise, this is Elliot.

He took care of Ranger.

Thank you, mister!

- You know, she had a terrible
stutter until we got Ranger.

Sweetie, would you like to
go and answer the phone?

- Oh boy!

- He really is a special dog.

We think so.

Daddy, it's Mr. Harris!

- I'm coming!

Probably heard we
got Ranger back.

The neighbors have
been calling all day.

Be right back.
- Okay, be right here.

Hey, friend!

That's right, he's back.

Yes, our prayers were answered.

- Do you have to do that here?

- Yes.

I can't move my station.

Any moment, Jack could leave

to cash that
phony lottery ticket.

I've gotta be here to
stop him somehow!

- Well, I wouldn't
worry about it.

- Why not?

- Well, because I saw
him leave half an hour ago.

- That's impossible,
I've never taken my eyes

off this door.

There's no way he...
Ooh, look who's back.

- Finch.

- Well, how-dee-do.

That's what I'm talkin' about.

Yeah, get that
all pretty, forget it.

What's going on, you gonna
get a little honey on that toast?

- Dennis.

- Ooh, I think that's
lookin' pretty good.

- Dennis.

- Oh, don't go runnin' away.

- Dennis!

- Where'd you come from?

- Dennis,

let me ask you something.

How long have we
known each other?

A long time!

That's how long.

- Listen, Jack.

- No, you listen.

Over the years, we've
developed a relationship

of trust and mutual respect.

- I shouldn't be watching this.

- Now, have I lived up
to my half of the bargain?

- Yes, Jack.

Of course you have.
- No, I have not.

- Excuse me?

- You've been my faithful
foot soldier all these years.

Doing my errands,

tending to my personal whims,

even buying this lottery ticket.

Or should I say
your lottery ticket?

- What?

- It's yours, Dennis.

The whole $50 thou.

See.

I was gonna give you a
huge bonus this Christmas,

but when I was walking
to the lottery office,

I thought why wait?

Merry Christmas, Dennis!

- But, Jack.

- No, no.

No, no, not another word.

This is your lucky day!

Thank you, my friend.

God bless you.

- He knows its a phony ticket.

- That'd be my guess.

- Elliot?

They told me you went
home sick and I got worried

because I called,
but nobody an...

- Now, don't get mad.

- What is he doing here?

- Maya, it was awful.

They were this
really mean family.

They had him
locked up in this this

this enormous state park.

I've done a very bad thing.

- You stole him?

- Well, I don't know
what happened.

I was saying goodbye
and I felt that I had closure.

The next thing I know,
I'm running for my car

holding this wildly
urinating dog.

- Have you completely
lost your mind?

- I know, I know, I
have to bring him back.

- Well, I don't understand.

I mean, first you're
a complete jerk,

then you're a weeping mess,

and now you're a crazy
dog-napping psycho?

I just try to keep 100%
to this relationship

and I really don't feel
like you're doing your part.

- I think I wanna have a baby.

- Have you eaten today?

- I think I'm sure.

I wanna have a baby.

- Are you testing me, 'cause
I swear I wasn't testing you.

- But it was a test.

For me.

You see, I never gave
one thought to having kids

and not that it's the same
thing as having a dog,

but he was this little guy and

something kicked in.

Something I never expected.

- So you wanna have a kid.

- I do, with you.

I mean, when you're ready.

I can see that, in my head.

I mean, it seems right.

- The sweetest thing
you've ever said to me.

- It's how I feel.

- I love you.

- I love you, too.

- I can't believe
we're standing around

talking about getting
married and having kids.

- Uh.

Not to ruin the moment.

I don't think I
mentioned the M word.

- Okay, I'll just
leave you two alone.

- I mean, not
that I'm against it.

Big step tonight!

Take the dog back!

- Okay.

♪ Life keeps
bringing me back to you

♪ Keeps bringing me home

♪ It don't matter what
I'm gonna do 'cause

♪ It's got a mind of its own

♪ Life keeps
bringing me back to you