Just Shoot Me! (1997–2003): Season 5, Episode 7 - The First Thanksgiving - full transcript

Everyone will spend Thanksgiving at Jack's country house.

- There you go Colleen, all dry.

- Where did you
learn to do nails?

- Cat shows.

That's where I got
this burly scar, baby.

Check it out.

- I don't see anything.

- Mmm, silkyence.

- What?

- What?


- Dennis, you know
what's great about you?

- Tell me.

- I've been working
here for two months

and you are like the one guy
who hasn't tried to hit on me.

- Well, maybe I'm
just holding back

because I have some
sort of secret plan.


- So, what is your secret plan?

- Phase one, get to be buddies.

Mission accomplished.

Phase two, invite
her up to Jack's house

in the Hamptons
for Thanksgiving.

- Phase three?

- Take a long stroll on the
beach, tell her I love her.

- And then?

- And then a gust of wind blows
my pants down to my ankles.

- Hello?

- The trick is to practice
in the mirror first.

- Finch.

- Yes, oh Queen of Thanksgiving.

- Uhm, when you drive out
to the Hamptons tomorrow

are you taking the
LIE or the BQE?

- What difference does it make?

- Because if you
take the BQE you can

jump off at exit 35A and
pick up the centerpiece

at the School for
the Deaf gift shop.

- Well, why do I have
to pick up anything?

You're the host.

- Because I have been
mapping out this event

for the last month,
and every precise detail.

I can't do everything!

Have you ever planned a sit
down dinner for six people!?

- Every other Saturday at the
Future Magicians of America

club meeting.

- I could just kill him.

- Who?

- Remember Roy, the go
who was dating my mom?

He dumped her.

Oh no!

- Yeah, they went
out to dinner last night

and he got up to
go to the salad bar

and he never came back.

- That's horrible.

- That Roy, that Roy,
I would kick his ass

if he didn't have a
pig valve in his heart.

- I have gossip.

- Go.

- You know Brianna Tucci,
the fashion editor at Cosmo.

- Of course.

- Her boss thought
that she was a little old

and out of touch,
so he fired her.

- Wow, nothing
brightens your day

like the failure of others.

- It's like a rainbow.

- Oh hello, Colleen.

Hey Nina, check out these shoes.

- Yes, uh, dear, before
you wear those again,

don't forget your
little rubber ball nose.

- No, I love them.

- Not as much as me.

- Thank you, Mr. Gallo.

- Watch this one,
she's fashion forward.

- Did you see that?

- What?

- Jack just questioned
my fashion sense.

Do you think that
he feels that I'm

getting too old or
losing my edge?

- Oh, don't be silly,
Nina, my father

is so comfortable with you.

- Comfortable!?

What, like a ratty
old pair of slippers?

Jack doesn't want comfortable,
Jack wants cutting edge.

I've gotta show him that
I'm still young and hip.

- Should we start the meeting?

- Hey!

Stay away from me old man.

You don't get me
or my generation.

- Now, if I've done
everything right,

people should experience a
mélange of Thanksgiving feelings.

Fellowship, nostalgia, but
of course, hope for the future.

- Where do you want the salt?

- Oh, anywhere.

- Go ahead.

- Okay.

- Hey Ma, you got
your room all set?

- Oh yes.

What a beautiful table!

- Oh, thank you very much.

- Roy's store was
called Tables and Such.

But this is a happy day.

- You know what
makes me happy, Ma?

Having you here.

- I have a little
pain in my knee.

- Is that Rhoda I hear?

- Hiya, Jack.

- Hello, dear.

- I brought you
a little present.

- Oh isn't that nice?

- Oh I love these!

We have these at the club.

What kind of booze is in it?

- It's a statue of St. Francis.

- Oh, so there's
no liquor in it?

No liquor at all?

- Let's just forget
the whole thing.

- Oh, geez, Jack.

Ma, Ma, it's alright.

Now you can put
your change in it.

- I'm sorry, it just
caught me off guard.

I wasn't expecting
a little gnome.

- Hello!

Happy Thanksgiving, gang!

You know Colleen.

- Oh, Dennis, I didn't know
you were bringing a date.

- They think we're dating.

- You have such a
beautiful home, Mr. Gallo.

There must be a lot
of history behind it.

- Actually George Washington
planned the Battle of Yorktown

in a little cabin just out back.

- Oh, I'd love to see that.

- Oh, well, I tore it down to
put up my paddle tennis court.

It's a shame I
don't play anymore.

- Colleen, I hope you
brought your appetite with you.

- Oh, I'm starving.

- Oh good, because the
turkey will be done in exactly.

- Oh, I don't eat turkey.

- Uh, what?

- Well, a turkey's last
moments are filled with fear

and I don't want that
energy in my body.

Uhm, do you have any tofurkey?

- Tofurkey?

- Yeah, tofu turkey.

- Well, I had made
a more traditional.

- We should get some tofurkey.

- I want some, too.

- I'm not even
sure that the stores.

- Oh, you'll work it out.

- Is that a Chagall lithograph?

- No, I'm afraid
it's just a Chagall.

- Oh my god, an original?

- Yeah, we've got a few of
them lurking around the house.

I'd be delighted
to give you a tour.

- Oh, I'd love that.

- Shall we?

- Hey, Colleen, I
thought we were gonna

pal around at the beach
with my metal detector.

- Oh, well we can do that later.

- You know, I love Chagall's
work with stained glass.

- Well, then you're going
to love my bathroom.

- Show her around,
take your time!

Snake my chick.


I'm gonna go get drunk
and watch cartoons.

- Hello, all.

Sorry if I'm late.

I stopped at a
rave on the way out.

That's where I met my.

Oh god, where is he?

Oh, not on the rose bushes!

Uh, my new beau will
be here in just a moment.


I just drowned
a family of snails.

- I'd like you to meet Slam.

- Why didn't you tell me
you were bringing anyone?

- Hey, you don't
plan on the Slam.

- Oh, isn't he fabulous?

He's young and edgy and
impulsive and he's with me.

So where's Jack?

- C'mon baby, I wanna use you.

- Alright, Slam, there
is a time and a place for.

- Well, we're back.
- Now!

- Alright, I just got off
the phone with Gary

of Gary's Markets, he
has a brick of tofurkey

and has agreed to stay
open 30 extra minutes.

- Can you ask Jack to be
a little nicer to my mom?

- Oh, I will, sweetie.

Have you seen my keys?

- Uhm, no, but what if we
avoid words like sweetie

and dear and honey around
my mother this weekend.

Any lovey dovey talk
will just remind her

that she's been dumped.

- Good, I'm with you.

Yeah, even good or with you.

It's just pouring
salt in the wound.

- Have you seen my keys?

- Have you seen my date?

I left him on the roof
talking to a dead bird.

- Hey, where's Colleen?

- Colleen?

She's here?

- Yeah, I brought her but
Jack's all over her, of course.

Look at my Chagall's,
you're so hip,

you have a real
future in fashion.

Future in fashion!

- Listen, I really
like this girl, too.

I've been working
for months to nail her.

- I know something
terrible's going to happen.

This is the same feeling I had

right before I
married Gary Busey.

- Alright, listen, we've got
to get her away from Jack.

- Alright, where are they?

- Let's do a systematic search.

- There's no time for computers!

- Running out of time, my
keys, my keys, my keys.

- Oh, Jack.

- Oh, Rhoda.

- Surprise!

So I found the keys in
the breadbox, along with,

get this, Jack's golf shoes.

That guy always sticking
things where they don't belong.

Hey, have you seen my mother?

- No.

- Maybe she's lying down?

- Go to the store!

- What, I thought
you were going.

- I am trying to have a
traditional Thanksgiving here!

Now, be a man and
go get the tofurkey!

- Hey, Rip Van Winkle.

- What happened to you?

- I was in the orchard
looking for Jack and Colleen.

It was getting dark.

I heard a noise.

And then I started
thinking about

all the people who
might be after me.

So I ran, and then I tripped
over one of those thingies

that attaches the
tree to the ground.

- A root?

- Yes, yes.

I need to lie down.

- No, don't go in there.

- Why not?

- The light, it's
not flattering.

- Thank you, god
that was a close call.

- Aw, man.

- You know, we do
have indoor plumbing.

- Ooh, look who's
having tea with the Queen.

- What are you doing here?

- Ma's car is blocking ours

and I think her
keys are in there.


Did you just trip me?

- Rhoda!

- Hey Rhoda, have you seen Jack?

- All I know is I've been alone
in that room, taking a nap.

- Everybody look!

- What?

- Look inside yourselves and ask

what are you
grateful for on this,

this holiest of days.

- Beernuts!

- Hello!

I've been outside for hours.

Rhoda, how was your nap?

- It was fine, Jack.

And how was your walk?

- Great!

And the nap?

- You asked me that already.

- I've been outside for hours.

- God, I can't
believe you people

started drinking without me.

- What happened to you?

You look like a haggard
old cave woman.

- Hey, watch the
tone with my old lady!

- I'm sure he meant
that meta-phallicaly.

- Dad, may I see
you in the kitchen?

- Sounds, great.

I'm famished after
all that walking.

Walking, yes.

- Dennis!

I wanna take a shower,
where'd you put my bag?

- In the closet.

What are you
doing in Jack's shirt?

- I just grabbed
it off the bedpost.

No peeking.

I'm not wearing any undies.

- Neither am I, but a
lot of good it's doing me.

- And this all just
looks delicious.

I'm very proud of you.

You've turned into
quite a young woman.

Alright, how much do you know?

- I walked in on you.


- I saw things!

It's not right!

How could you prey on
that poor fragile woman?

- I didn't prey on anybody.

It was a crazy thing
that just happened.

It just happened.

I'm sorry I beheaded your monk.

- He was a saint.

- I'm sure he was.

Rhoda, we got off on
the wrong foot earlier

and that was my fault.

Can you forgive me?

It was somehow both
tender and savage.

- There aren't enough
days in the week

for the therapy
I'm going to need.

- Well, I guess, I'm
just gonna have to

make it very clear
to her that it's over.

- So, you're just going to
dump her, just like that?

- I think it's the best way.

- Dad, you don't
understand, she's

in a very vulnerable
place right now!

She is not a young woman!

- Well, I just can't
string her along.

- Oh you would if she
were young and hot.

- But she's not,
so she has to go.

- It's not that simple, Dad.

What about Elliot?

- Oh my god, Elliot.

- Yes, he thinks
of you as a father.

If he finds out you slept
with her he's gonna freak out!

- Well, Elliot's gonna
find out sooner or later.

- No he isn't because you
are not going to tell him.


I am late with the yams!

My rolls are cold!

And I am trying
to keep it together

so you just stay in here
and carve that damn bird.

Two minutes to
gobble, gobble time!

- Oh Dennis, I see you're
enjoying some of my scotch.

- Just couldn't keep it
in your pants could you?

- What?

- I know what you did.

I heard you and Maya talking.

- So, just keep your voice down.

- Why should I Jack, hello!?

I want the whole world to know

you tainted the woman I love.

- You love her?
- Oh yeah!

Oh yeah.

And I was gonna tell her
this weekend, but not now!

- Dennis, as hard as I try,

I just can't see
you two together.

- Oh, of course not,
because only the God Gallo

gets all the babes!

I'm gonna go
drinky a little bit.

And then we'll see what we see.

- What does that mean?

- I said we'll see what we see!

- Guys, sure, just one second.

- Dennis knows!

- What?

- And that's not even
the surprising part.

- Oh my god, what
if he tells Elliot?

- He could do it, he's
a mean little drunk.

- Alright, I'll have
to keep him quiet.


My hands are full and I
need help with this button!

- Jack Gallo, shame on you!

I know everything
that's going on.

- Oh, no, you too?

- Yes.

And I just have this to say.

Anything that woman can
do, I can do better and faster.

I know what it takes
to please you, Jack.

- What?

- And you've never
seen me go all out.

- Nina, please!

- I promise, every
day you'll see

something new on your desk.

And if you think
that I'm slacking off,

then you can just
ride me harder.

- I can't say I'm
not flattered, but.

- Oh, Jack, Jack, please
just say you'll think about it.

I have years of experience.

- I think that's
common knowledge.

- Well, I sure hope so.

- Everybody check
your place cards.

- Now Nina knows.

- What?

- And for some reason it's
gotten her all charged up.

- Alright, I'll try to
keep my eye on her.

What are you waiting
for, Christmas!?

Carve the bird!

- Jack.

- Yes?

- Finch told me everything
and we need to talk.

Can you turn the knife off?

- Listen, Elliot,
I didn't plan it.

Please, forgive me.

- Look, look.

I don't know if this
is my place to say.

I think that you should
just let Finch have her.

- Really, Finch?

- Sure, sure, he's been
drooling over her for months.

And you know,
they're cute together.

- Elliot, I just
want you to know

that I treated her with respect.

- Really?

She strikes me as the kind
who really likes the rough stuff.

- Jack, we need to talk.

- Yes we do!

- What happened today, let's
just make it a one time thing.

- Really!?

- It's just that we're
both on the rebound.

- Yes, yes, rebound.

- No one need ever know.

- Actually, everyone knows.

- What?

Even Elliot?

- But don't worry
about it, he's fine with it.

Almost strangely so.

And by the way,
if I was too gentle

it was only because
of your knee.

- Wow, you can
really put it away.

I like that in a girl.

- Thanks.

- Rhoda, why don't you
sit here right next to Dennis.

The ball's in your court.

- What are you two doing?

- You don't have to whisper.

Elliot knows everything
and he's just fine.

- I'm not even sure why
you're even worried about me.

- Exactly.

Me and your mother
hook up, who cares!

- Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Wait, you had sex with
Rhoda and Colleen?

- I didn't have
sex with Colleen.

- You thought I
had sex with Jack?

What's the matter with you?

- What's that supposed to mean?

- It means you're
old and craggity.

- If you didn't
have sex with her,

then why did you
give her my job?

- I'm not giving
anyone your job!

- Then what am I
doing here with Slam?

- Have I said one
mean thing to you?

- Well, this has been good.

It's been a kind of
cleansing journey.

Hey, who's hungry?

Dad, will you get us the turkey?

- I'd be delighted.

- You touched my mommy!

Hey! She threw herself at me!

You dirty liar!

- You know what?

Next year you can all
go tofurkey yourselves.

♪ Life keeps
bringing me back to you

♪ Keeps me bringing me home

♪ It don't matter I wanna do

♪ Because it's
got a mind of its own

♪ Life keeps
bringing me back to you