Just Shoot Me! (1997–2003): Season 5, Episode 6 - Brandi, You're a Fine Girl - full transcript
Finch meets up with an old friend and is ashamed of his feelings; whilst Elliot gets back at Nina for treating her assistant badly.
- Whatcha doing?
- Sewing, lots of guys sew.
- Oh, yeah.
- Guys in the army sew.
Get shot in the leg,
it rips their pants,
they sew it up
and get right back
to the front line fighting.
- Hey, what is going on?
- Finch lost his penis
on the way to work.
- Look, I have a
house guest coming,
I need to repair
my air mattress.
It's my buddy Bert, we grew up
next door to each other.
- Aw, were you guys close?
- Best friends,
but we lost touch
when his family
moved to Colorado.
But before he left we
made a secret oath.
- Mmm, to never forget
that rainy summer night
in the woods.
- With your mom?
Backfire.
We swore we'd never
forget each other.
And to seal the deal I
took the most precious thing
I owned, my
autographed eight by ten
of David Carradine,
hi ya, ripped it in two
and gave him half.
- Aw.
- Yeah, I know,
anyway, he emailed me,
said he's coming to down.
- Good morning, all.
- Oh, crap.
- Oh, Dennis, is that your
little miracle machine I see?
- Jack, please not today.
- Nonsense, listen,
shorten these sleeves
a quarter of an inch
and do something
about the bunching.
- About the bunching.
- Then write the rest
of my Christmas cards,
return those earrings and
cut my mango into cubes
and present them in a
pleasing arrangement.
- Okay, Ms. Van Horn?
- Quickly.
- Well, I really
hate to mention it,
but I really haven't
had a chance to go
to the bathroom yet.
- That's what weekends are for.
- Nina is really abusing
her new assistant.
- Oh, Dee Dee, I know.
I just hate it when
people take advantage
of their position.
- Maya, no can do on those
restaurant reservations.
- Tell those idiots I'm
Jack Gallo's daughter.
- As you wish, Evita.
- I just got an idea, thank you.
Hey, Nina, about
your new assistant.
- Oh, Elliot, it is so great
to have a woman for once.
You know my male
assistants wasted so much time
fending off my advances.
- No, I mean smart
move on hiring her.
Hooking up with powerful people.
- Powerful people, what
are you talking about?
- Wait a minute, you don't know?
- Is she a wizard.
- Almost, she's Tommy
Hilfiger's daughter.
- What? Dee Dee is...
- Sh, sh, sh, sh.
Don't mention it to
her or anyone else.
She wants to keep
it completely quiet.
She even uses a
different last name.
- Why would she want to do that?
- Because she wants to
make it on her own merits.
- Why would she want to do that?
- It's hard to explain.
Just trust me, okay?
- Wow, Tommy Hilfiger.
He's like the president,
but of things I care about.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Waiting for a friend.
- That's nice.
- Hope he shows soon,
I'm on a bit of a schedule.
- Okay.
- I'm a professional
race car driver, sh.
- That's amazing.
- The fans think so.
- Because you used to
be scared to ride a bike.
- How do you know that?
- You don't
recognize me, do you?
- Oh my God, are you
one of the Dixie Chicks?
- Dennis, it's me, Bert.
- What?
- I'm Bert.
- Okay, alright you
got me, where are ya?
Get out there.
- Dennis, I'm not kidding.
I had a little work done.
- Okay, alright, you
skinny son of a gun,
I'm gonna beat your ass.
Come here, we'll
split a margarita.
- And my name
isn't Bert any more.
It's Brandi, like
that stuffed cat
we had in our clubhouse.
- Hey, whoa, whoa whoa.
You're creeping me out, alright.
Now get Bert out here right now.
And don't say Bert's you
because that's a lie, lady.
That's a damn...
That's Kwai Chang.
No, cause he... - Oh yeah.
- Hey, Finch, how
did it go with Bert?
Was it like old times?
I know I have
this friend Margie,
I hadn't see her for years
and then I ran into her
at Barney's and
it was like, whoa,
what's with the blonde streak.
- He had boobs.
- Pardon.
- He had boobs.
Two of them as big as yours.
And God knows what's
going on downstairs.
- Okay, sorry, I'm
not following you.
- He had a sex change operation.
- Bert is a woman.
- I don't know what to do.
He was perfectly normal.
We used to ride skateboards
and read comic books
and talk about our
dream weddings,
all typical guy stuff.
- Well, did she say
why she had it done?
- Well, I didn't
stick around there
to blibber blabber,
I got the hell out.
- Finch, I'm ashamed of you.
Think of the courage
that it took for her
to come to you and
you treat her like a freak.
What about your oath
to always remain friends?
- Uh, I was 12
and she was a boy.
- Oh, here he is.
Dennis, a stunning
young woman is
out there looking for you.
- Oh God.
- Finch, she's your best friend.
- Right, alright
I'll go talk to her.
- You know, Dennis,
there's something special
about her.
I can't quite put
my finger on it.
But whatever it is, I like it.
Hey.
- Hey.
- Hi, I'm, oh my God,
they are as big as mine.
- Look, Dennis, I'm
sorry I sprang this on you.
You're my oldest
friend so I thought
you might be okay with it but,
well, I can understand
if you're not.
Anyways, I won't
bother you again.
Take care.
- Bert, wait.
- Yeah.
- Listen, I'm
sorry, I'm, it's just,
it's a lot to take in, man.
- I can understand that.
- What made you decide to?
- I just always felt
like I was different.
Like I was walking
around in the wrong body.
- Yeah, I feel that
way about my arms.
- I tried therapy,
I tried hypnosis.
And one day I was at the
barber looking at a Playboy
and I thought,
Bert, let's do it.
- Wow.
Well, you know,
for what it's worth,
they did a great job.
Did they do the whole thing?
- Oh, yeah.
I'm all woman.
- That's cool.
Is it weird having
those, I mean,
do they itch or do
they slosh around?
- No, they're pretty firm.
Check 'em out.
- No, no, no.
- Come on, it's no big deal.
- Uh, do you play
with them all the time?
- For a while,
when I quit smoking.
- Nina, can we meet
about the double issue?
- Not now, Jack, I'm making
a spa date for Dee Dee.
- You're making appointments
for your assistant?
- Here's the thing.
Entre nous and frere
Jacque, about Dee Dee.
- Yes.
- Well, she isn't the
Dee Dee you think she is.
She's an entirely
different Dee Dee.
- I got about seven
more seconds for this.
- Alright, Dee Dee is
Tommy Hilfiger's daughter.
- She is?
- Yes, but she doesn't
want anyone to know,
she wants to make it on her own.
- See, I really admire that.
She's willing to earn
respect the hard way.
You are kissing her ass, right?
- Even more than I kiss yours.
- Well, pace yourself.
- Hey, I guess you have
to crash on the couch.
Sorry the air mattress exploded.
- Yeah, cut your toenails, man.
- So what do you wanna do?
- I don't know, is there
an arcade around here?
- You still like video games?
- Of course, they didn't
replace my brain, doof.
- You're the doof.
- Buttface.
- You're the buttface, buttface
- You're the ass knob
buttface that ran unopposed
for the Mayor of Turdtown.
- Damn, Bert,
you still got game.
♪ Hey, uh huh
♪ What I like about
you ♪ You hold me tight
♪ You tell me I'm the only one
♪ You wanna come
over tonight, yeah
♪ Keep on whispering in my ear
♪ Tell me all the
things that I wanna hear
♪ 'Cause it's true
♪ That's what I like about you
♪ What I like about you
♪ You really know how to dance
♪ When you go up,
down, jump around
♪ Think about true romance, yeah
♪ Keep on whispering in my ear
♪ Tell me all the
things I wanna hear
♪ 'Cause it's true
- Man, my thighs are killing me.
You make me do that ski
machine like eight times.
Well, I'm gonna crash.
Oh, can I have that pillow?
- No, I'm using this one.
- Hello, oh my gosh, I
can't believe I got through.
Do you have any tickets left
the the Feminist
Puppetry Series?
Really, you have
every ticket left?
- Maya, I need
you to approve this.
- Oh, okay.
Hey, how are things
going with you and Brandi?
- Uh, okay.
- Anything wrong?
- No, no, no, it's just
something I have to work out.
I wanna make love to Bert.
- What?
- I want him to be my girl.
I want to take him on picnics
and buy him pretty things.
- Are you serious?
- Yeah, I don't know.
Yes, is that weird?
It's weird isn't it?
I'm not sure, I'm
just so confused.
- Okay, how do you know
that she's even interested?
- Oh, I know Bert.
Waiting for me to
make the first move.
I was always the leader.
- Back when you were boys?
- Oh, I'm a freak.
- Now, look, look.
You're not a freak but
you are very confused.
And that's why I don't think
you should do anything.
You could ruin the friendship
and be left with nothing.
- Except my unnatural love.
Man, that stuff
ain't in the Bible.
- Okay, take my advice.
Give the two of you some space.
- Yeah, some space.
I'll get Bert a hotel room.
- Good idea.
- Then I'll stop thinking
about his smooth,
creamy, supple body.
- Right.
- You still think of
me as normal, right?
- Good luck tonight, okay?
- Hi, Elliot.
- Hey, Dee Dee, how ya doing?
Work okay, things
a little easier?
- Yeah, things are great.
Can I talk to you about
the photos you took?
- Of course you can.
I'm always happy
to guide youngsters
through my process.
- Yeah, these aren't very good.
- What?
- Oh, God, don't get me wrong,
I think you are so talented.
It's just that, well these
just don't go bang, you know.
I mean, maybe you
should re-shoot them?
- Look, it's good
to have opinions
and nose around in all
facets of the magazine
but, you're really in no
position to judge my work.
- Actually, I am.
- Director of visual
development?
- Jack promoted me.
- I've been waiting
six years for my cards.
- I can put in a word for you.
Anyways, let me show you
what I'd like for the re-shoot.
- I have to go.
- Oh, okay, stop by my office.
My door is always open.
- Nina, Nina, where's Jack?
- Downstairs having
lunch with Tommy Hilfiger.
- Wait a minute, wait a minute.
You didn't tell him...
- It may have slipped out.
- Oh no.
- I know, I know, mea
culpa and labia minora.
Dee Dee, I picked
up your blazer.
- Oh, Nina, that
wasn't necessary.
- Oh, pshaw, don't mention it.
Except maybe to your dad.
- My dad?
- Yeah, I thought you could
work it into the conversation.
Would you like me
to braid your hair?
- Well, actually, my
dad and I don't speak.
- Excuse me.
- He walked out on us
when I was just a kid.
- Good Lord,
these are the stories
that don't make it
to the press release.
- He left us dirt poor.
- I grew up dirt poor.
- Never hearing from him.
- My father left
me in a hog trough.
- Wearing hand-me-downs
from the neighbor kids.
- Sleeping by the
stove just to stay warm.
- The deck was so
stacked against me.
- That you did a few
things you're not proud of
just so you could make
something of yourself.
- No.
- Me too.
And it still feels dirty.
- Speaking of family,
excuse me a moment.
By the way, I love your shirt.
Calvin Klein?
No, just kidding.
This better be good, the
mouse is circling the cheese.
- Jack, you haven't
said anything
about Dee Dee, have you?
- Elliot, I would never
use such a cheap tactic
to get business.
- Good, good, because she
isn't Tommy Hilfiger's daughter.
- What, that's my entire pitch.
- I'm sorry, I'm
sorry, I just made it up
so Nina would treat her better
and I didn't think
it would get this far.
And I'm sorry if I
screwed things up.
- No, no, no, I
think we're okay.
I have have hooked him
with my Calvin Klein joke.
But it could have
been a disaster.
- Absolutely right, Jack,
I'm never gonna do it again.
- Well, we should
never involve clients
in our personal vendettas.
- You're right.
- Clients are like
newborn chicks,
they have to be
nurtured and coddled.
- It really is a
delicate art, isn't it.
- I've often thought
about teaching a course.
Anyway, no harm, no foul.
- Oh, crap.
- Oh, hey, dude, just
finishing up my workout.
Guess what I'm taping?
A Kung Fu marathon
hosted by David Carradine.
- That's cool.
Hey listen, I
wanted to talk to you.
- Hi ya, hi ya.
You wanna a piece of me, huh?
You want some of this?
- Put me down.
Sorry, sorry, I just.
- It's alright, I forgot
about your brittle bones.
- Oh, hey, wait, can
you do me a favor?
- What do you want me to do?
- Just grab and push.
- Oh God Almighty.
- Hey, remember
my eighth birthday
where we all played Twister
and you wet your pants?
- I was allergic to Shasta.
Hey, listen, I think
we need to talk
about the sleeping situation.
What about it?
Be careful my little friend.
- Who said that?
Oh my God, it's David Carradine.
What are you doing here?
- Trying to lead you
on a path to wisdom.
- What do you mean?
- You have an important
decision before you here.
A foolish man could go astray.
- Can she see you?
- No, I'm only in your mind.
That's why I'm wearing
this leather jacket
you saw at Banana Republic.
- Oh, God, oh, God,
cramp in the thigh.
Dennis, rub, rub.
Oh, yes, yes.
- So what should I do?
What is the wise path?
- The what?
I'm sorry, I'm so
horny I can even think.
- I have my answer.
- Man, I can't even
believe we're still talking.
- Bert, I gots to
have you, buddy.
- Dennis, what are you doing?
- What was meant to be.
- I'm gonna beat
the crap out of you.
- No, don't you get it?
We started out as
friends, there's a trust there.
Let's get it on.
What the hold up here?
- Look, Dennis, I
just wanna be friends.
- We both like the same things.
Why should this
be any different?
- Because I'm not
attracted to you.
- Oh, dude that's cold.
- Look, Dennis,
we're like brothers
or brother and sisters.
But surely nothing else,
it would be too weird.
And I like what we have,
what we've always had.
Don't you?
- Yeah, yeah, I guess I do.
I'm sorry, Bert.
I mean, I'm sorry Brandi.
- It's okay, I didn't mean
to get all girly on you.
- Look, why don't
you get dressed.
I'll get us some pizza,
we'll play some laser tag.
That'll be fun.
- Actually, I kinda
made other plans.
- What do you mean like a date?
- Uh huh.
Oh my God, I gotta get dressed.
This bra thing still
takes me half an hour.
- Hey, Dennis,
tell Brandi I'm here.
- You're her date?
- Yeah, we're going
for drinks at the Carlyle,
dinner at Balthazar and
after that, who knows.
- Jack, there's something
I think you should know
about Brandi.
- What's that?
- I'll tell ya in the morning.
♪ Life keeps
bringing me back to you
♪ Keeps bring me home
♪ It don't matter
what I wanna do
♪ It's got a mind of its own
♪ Life keeps
bringing me back to you
- Sewing, lots of guys sew.
- Oh, yeah.
- Guys in the army sew.
Get shot in the leg,
it rips their pants,
they sew it up
and get right back
to the front line fighting.
- Hey, what is going on?
- Finch lost his penis
on the way to work.
- Look, I have a
house guest coming,
I need to repair
my air mattress.
It's my buddy Bert, we grew up
next door to each other.
- Aw, were you guys close?
- Best friends,
but we lost touch
when his family
moved to Colorado.
But before he left we
made a secret oath.
- Mmm, to never forget
that rainy summer night
in the woods.
- With your mom?
Backfire.
We swore we'd never
forget each other.
And to seal the deal I
took the most precious thing
I owned, my
autographed eight by ten
of David Carradine,
hi ya, ripped it in two
and gave him half.
- Aw.
- Yeah, I know,
anyway, he emailed me,
said he's coming to down.
- Good morning, all.
- Oh, crap.
- Oh, Dennis, is that your
little miracle machine I see?
- Jack, please not today.
- Nonsense, listen,
shorten these sleeves
a quarter of an inch
and do something
about the bunching.
- About the bunching.
- Then write the rest
of my Christmas cards,
return those earrings and
cut my mango into cubes
and present them in a
pleasing arrangement.
- Okay, Ms. Van Horn?
- Quickly.
- Well, I really
hate to mention it,
but I really haven't
had a chance to go
to the bathroom yet.
- That's what weekends are for.
- Nina is really abusing
her new assistant.
- Oh, Dee Dee, I know.
I just hate it when
people take advantage
of their position.
- Maya, no can do on those
restaurant reservations.
- Tell those idiots I'm
Jack Gallo's daughter.
- As you wish, Evita.
- I just got an idea, thank you.
Hey, Nina, about
your new assistant.
- Oh, Elliot, it is so great
to have a woman for once.
You know my male
assistants wasted so much time
fending off my advances.
- No, I mean smart
move on hiring her.
Hooking up with powerful people.
- Powerful people, what
are you talking about?
- Wait a minute, you don't know?
- Is she a wizard.
- Almost, she's Tommy
Hilfiger's daughter.
- What? Dee Dee is...
- Sh, sh, sh, sh.
Don't mention it to
her or anyone else.
She wants to keep
it completely quiet.
She even uses a
different last name.
- Why would she want to do that?
- Because she wants to
make it on her own merits.
- Why would she want to do that?
- It's hard to explain.
Just trust me, okay?
- Wow, Tommy Hilfiger.
He's like the president,
but of things I care about.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Waiting for a friend.
- That's nice.
- Hope he shows soon,
I'm on a bit of a schedule.
- Okay.
- I'm a professional
race car driver, sh.
- That's amazing.
- The fans think so.
- Because you used to
be scared to ride a bike.
- How do you know that?
- You don't
recognize me, do you?
- Oh my God, are you
one of the Dixie Chicks?
- Dennis, it's me, Bert.
- What?
- I'm Bert.
- Okay, alright you
got me, where are ya?
Get out there.
- Dennis, I'm not kidding.
I had a little work done.
- Okay, alright, you
skinny son of a gun,
I'm gonna beat your ass.
Come here, we'll
split a margarita.
- And my name
isn't Bert any more.
It's Brandi, like
that stuffed cat
we had in our clubhouse.
- Hey, whoa, whoa whoa.
You're creeping me out, alright.
Now get Bert out here right now.
And don't say Bert's you
because that's a lie, lady.
That's a damn...
That's Kwai Chang.
No, cause he... - Oh yeah.
- Hey, Finch, how
did it go with Bert?
Was it like old times?
I know I have
this friend Margie,
I hadn't see her for years
and then I ran into her
at Barney's and
it was like, whoa,
what's with the blonde streak.
- He had boobs.
- Pardon.
- He had boobs.
Two of them as big as yours.
And God knows what's
going on downstairs.
- Okay, sorry, I'm
not following you.
- He had a sex change operation.
- Bert is a woman.
- I don't know what to do.
He was perfectly normal.
We used to ride skateboards
and read comic books
and talk about our
dream weddings,
all typical guy stuff.
- Well, did she say
why she had it done?
- Well, I didn't
stick around there
to blibber blabber,
I got the hell out.
- Finch, I'm ashamed of you.
Think of the courage
that it took for her
to come to you and
you treat her like a freak.
What about your oath
to always remain friends?
- Uh, I was 12
and she was a boy.
- Oh, here he is.
Dennis, a stunning
young woman is
out there looking for you.
- Oh God.
- Finch, she's your best friend.
- Right, alright
I'll go talk to her.
- You know, Dennis,
there's something special
about her.
I can't quite put
my finger on it.
But whatever it is, I like it.
Hey.
- Hey.
- Hi, I'm, oh my God,
they are as big as mine.
- Look, Dennis, I'm
sorry I sprang this on you.
You're my oldest
friend so I thought
you might be okay with it but,
well, I can understand
if you're not.
Anyways, I won't
bother you again.
Take care.
- Bert, wait.
- Yeah.
- Listen, I'm
sorry, I'm, it's just,
it's a lot to take in, man.
- I can understand that.
- What made you decide to?
- I just always felt
like I was different.
Like I was walking
around in the wrong body.
- Yeah, I feel that
way about my arms.
- I tried therapy,
I tried hypnosis.
And one day I was at the
barber looking at a Playboy
and I thought,
Bert, let's do it.
- Wow.
Well, you know,
for what it's worth,
they did a great job.
Did they do the whole thing?
- Oh, yeah.
I'm all woman.
- That's cool.
Is it weird having
those, I mean,
do they itch or do
they slosh around?
- No, they're pretty firm.
Check 'em out.
- No, no, no.
- Come on, it's no big deal.
- Uh, do you play
with them all the time?
- For a while,
when I quit smoking.
- Nina, can we meet
about the double issue?
- Not now, Jack, I'm making
a spa date for Dee Dee.
- You're making appointments
for your assistant?
- Here's the thing.
Entre nous and frere
Jacque, about Dee Dee.
- Yes.
- Well, she isn't the
Dee Dee you think she is.
She's an entirely
different Dee Dee.
- I got about seven
more seconds for this.
- Alright, Dee Dee is
Tommy Hilfiger's daughter.
- She is?
- Yes, but she doesn't
want anyone to know,
she wants to make it on her own.
- See, I really admire that.
She's willing to earn
respect the hard way.
You are kissing her ass, right?
- Even more than I kiss yours.
- Well, pace yourself.
- Hey, I guess you have
to crash on the couch.
Sorry the air mattress exploded.
- Yeah, cut your toenails, man.
- So what do you wanna do?
- I don't know, is there
an arcade around here?
- You still like video games?
- Of course, they didn't
replace my brain, doof.
- You're the doof.
- Buttface.
- You're the buttface, buttface
- You're the ass knob
buttface that ran unopposed
for the Mayor of Turdtown.
- Damn, Bert,
you still got game.
♪ Hey, uh huh
♪ What I like about
you ♪ You hold me tight
♪ You tell me I'm the only one
♪ You wanna come
over tonight, yeah
♪ Keep on whispering in my ear
♪ Tell me all the
things that I wanna hear
♪ 'Cause it's true
♪ That's what I like about you
♪ What I like about you
♪ You really know how to dance
♪ When you go up,
down, jump around
♪ Think about true romance, yeah
♪ Keep on whispering in my ear
♪ Tell me all the
things I wanna hear
♪ 'Cause it's true
- Man, my thighs are killing me.
You make me do that ski
machine like eight times.
Well, I'm gonna crash.
Oh, can I have that pillow?
- No, I'm using this one.
- Hello, oh my gosh, I
can't believe I got through.
Do you have any tickets left
the the Feminist
Puppetry Series?
Really, you have
every ticket left?
- Maya, I need
you to approve this.
- Oh, okay.
Hey, how are things
going with you and Brandi?
- Uh, okay.
- Anything wrong?
- No, no, no, it's just
something I have to work out.
I wanna make love to Bert.
- What?
- I want him to be my girl.
I want to take him on picnics
and buy him pretty things.
- Are you serious?
- Yeah, I don't know.
Yes, is that weird?
It's weird isn't it?
I'm not sure, I'm
just so confused.
- Okay, how do you know
that she's even interested?
- Oh, I know Bert.
Waiting for me to
make the first move.
I was always the leader.
- Back when you were boys?
- Oh, I'm a freak.
- Now, look, look.
You're not a freak but
you are very confused.
And that's why I don't think
you should do anything.
You could ruin the friendship
and be left with nothing.
- Except my unnatural love.
Man, that stuff
ain't in the Bible.
- Okay, take my advice.
Give the two of you some space.
- Yeah, some space.
I'll get Bert a hotel room.
- Good idea.
- Then I'll stop thinking
about his smooth,
creamy, supple body.
- Right.
- You still think of
me as normal, right?
- Good luck tonight, okay?
- Hi, Elliot.
- Hey, Dee Dee, how ya doing?
Work okay, things
a little easier?
- Yeah, things are great.
Can I talk to you about
the photos you took?
- Of course you can.
I'm always happy
to guide youngsters
through my process.
- Yeah, these aren't very good.
- What?
- Oh, God, don't get me wrong,
I think you are so talented.
It's just that, well these
just don't go bang, you know.
I mean, maybe you
should re-shoot them?
- Look, it's good
to have opinions
and nose around in all
facets of the magazine
but, you're really in no
position to judge my work.
- Actually, I am.
- Director of visual
development?
- Jack promoted me.
- I've been waiting
six years for my cards.
- I can put in a word for you.
Anyways, let me show you
what I'd like for the re-shoot.
- I have to go.
- Oh, okay, stop by my office.
My door is always open.
- Nina, Nina, where's Jack?
- Downstairs having
lunch with Tommy Hilfiger.
- Wait a minute, wait a minute.
You didn't tell him...
- It may have slipped out.
- Oh no.
- I know, I know, mea
culpa and labia minora.
Dee Dee, I picked
up your blazer.
- Oh, Nina, that
wasn't necessary.
- Oh, pshaw, don't mention it.
Except maybe to your dad.
- My dad?
- Yeah, I thought you could
work it into the conversation.
Would you like me
to braid your hair?
- Well, actually, my
dad and I don't speak.
- Excuse me.
- He walked out on us
when I was just a kid.
- Good Lord,
these are the stories
that don't make it
to the press release.
- He left us dirt poor.
- I grew up dirt poor.
- Never hearing from him.
- My father left
me in a hog trough.
- Wearing hand-me-downs
from the neighbor kids.
- Sleeping by the
stove just to stay warm.
- The deck was so
stacked against me.
- That you did a few
things you're not proud of
just so you could make
something of yourself.
- No.
- Me too.
And it still feels dirty.
- Speaking of family,
excuse me a moment.
By the way, I love your shirt.
Calvin Klein?
No, just kidding.
This better be good, the
mouse is circling the cheese.
- Jack, you haven't
said anything
about Dee Dee, have you?
- Elliot, I would never
use such a cheap tactic
to get business.
- Good, good, because she
isn't Tommy Hilfiger's daughter.
- What, that's my entire pitch.
- I'm sorry, I'm
sorry, I just made it up
so Nina would treat her better
and I didn't think
it would get this far.
And I'm sorry if I
screwed things up.
- No, no, no, I
think we're okay.
I have have hooked him
with my Calvin Klein joke.
But it could have
been a disaster.
- Absolutely right, Jack,
I'm never gonna do it again.
- Well, we should
never involve clients
in our personal vendettas.
- You're right.
- Clients are like
newborn chicks,
they have to be
nurtured and coddled.
- It really is a
delicate art, isn't it.
- I've often thought
about teaching a course.
Anyway, no harm, no foul.
- Oh, crap.
- Oh, hey, dude, just
finishing up my workout.
Guess what I'm taping?
A Kung Fu marathon
hosted by David Carradine.
- That's cool.
Hey listen, I
wanted to talk to you.
- Hi ya, hi ya.
You wanna a piece of me, huh?
You want some of this?
- Put me down.
Sorry, sorry, I just.
- It's alright, I forgot
about your brittle bones.
- Oh, hey, wait, can
you do me a favor?
- What do you want me to do?
- Just grab and push.
- Oh God Almighty.
- Hey, remember
my eighth birthday
where we all played Twister
and you wet your pants?
- I was allergic to Shasta.
Hey, listen, I think
we need to talk
about the sleeping situation.
What about it?
Be careful my little friend.
- Who said that?
Oh my God, it's David Carradine.
What are you doing here?
- Trying to lead you
on a path to wisdom.
- What do you mean?
- You have an important
decision before you here.
A foolish man could go astray.
- Can she see you?
- No, I'm only in your mind.
That's why I'm wearing
this leather jacket
you saw at Banana Republic.
- Oh, God, oh, God,
cramp in the thigh.
Dennis, rub, rub.
Oh, yes, yes.
- So what should I do?
What is the wise path?
- The what?
I'm sorry, I'm so
horny I can even think.
- I have my answer.
- Man, I can't even
believe we're still talking.
- Bert, I gots to
have you, buddy.
- Dennis, what are you doing?
- What was meant to be.
- I'm gonna beat
the crap out of you.
- No, don't you get it?
We started out as
friends, there's a trust there.
Let's get it on.
What the hold up here?
- Look, Dennis, I
just wanna be friends.
- We both like the same things.
Why should this
be any different?
- Because I'm not
attracted to you.
- Oh, dude that's cold.
- Look, Dennis,
we're like brothers
or brother and sisters.
But surely nothing else,
it would be too weird.
And I like what we have,
what we've always had.
Don't you?
- Yeah, yeah, I guess I do.
I'm sorry, Bert.
I mean, I'm sorry Brandi.
- It's okay, I didn't mean
to get all girly on you.
- Look, why don't
you get dressed.
I'll get us some pizza,
we'll play some laser tag.
That'll be fun.
- Actually, I kinda
made other plans.
- What do you mean like a date?
- Uh huh.
Oh my God, I gotta get dressed.
This bra thing still
takes me half an hour.
- Hey, Dennis,
tell Brandi I'm here.
- You're her date?
- Yeah, we're going
for drinks at the Carlyle,
dinner at Balthazar and
after that, who knows.
- Jack, there's something
I think you should know
about Brandi.
- What's that?
- I'll tell ya in the morning.
♪ Life keeps
bringing me back to you
♪ Keeps bring me home
♪ It don't matter
what I wanna do
♪ It's got a mind of its own
♪ Life keeps
bringing me back to you