Just Shoot Me! (1997–2003): Season 5, Episode 6 - Brandi, You're a Fine Girl - full transcript

Finch meets up with an old friend and is ashamed of his feelings; whilst Elliot gets back at Nina for treating her assistant badly.

- Whatcha doing?

- Sewing, lots of guys sew.

- Oh, yeah.

- Guys in the army sew.

Get shot in the leg,
it rips their pants,

they sew it up
and get right back

to the front line fighting.

- Hey, what is going on?

- Finch lost his penis
on the way to work.

- Look, I have a
house guest coming,

I need to repair
my air mattress.

It's my buddy Bert, we grew up

next door to each other.

- Aw, were you guys close?

- Best friends,
but we lost touch

when his family
moved to Colorado.

But before he left we
made a secret oath.

- Mmm, to never forget
that rainy summer night

in the woods.

- With your mom?


We swore we'd never
forget each other.

And to seal the deal I
took the most precious thing

I owned, my
autographed eight by ten

of David Carradine,
hi ya, ripped it in two

and gave him half.

- Aw.

- Yeah, I know,
anyway, he emailed me,

said he's coming to down.

- Good morning, all.

- Oh, crap.

- Oh, Dennis, is that your
little miracle machine I see?

- Jack, please not today.

- Nonsense, listen,
shorten these sleeves

a quarter of an inch
and do something

about the bunching.
- About the bunching.

- Then write the rest
of my Christmas cards,

return those earrings and
cut my mango into cubes

and present them in a
pleasing arrangement.

- Okay, Ms. Van Horn?

- Quickly.

- Well, I really
hate to mention it,

but I really haven't
had a chance to go

to the bathroom yet.

- That's what weekends are for.

- Nina is really abusing
her new assistant.

- Oh, Dee Dee, I know.

I just hate it when
people take advantage

of their position.

- Maya, no can do on those
restaurant reservations.

- Tell those idiots I'm
Jack Gallo's daughter.

- As you wish, Evita.

- I just got an idea, thank you.

Hey, Nina, about
your new assistant.

- Oh, Elliot, it is so great
to have a woman for once.

You know my male
assistants wasted so much time

fending off my advances.

- No, I mean smart
move on hiring her.

Hooking up with powerful people.

- Powerful people, what
are you talking about?

- Wait a minute, you don't know?

- Is she a wizard.

- Almost, she's Tommy
Hilfiger's daughter.

- What? Dee Dee is...
- Sh, sh, sh, sh.

Don't mention it to
her or anyone else.

She wants to keep
it completely quiet.

She even uses a
different last name.

- Why would she want to do that?

- Because she wants to
make it on her own merits.

- Why would she want to do that?

- It's hard to explain.

Just trust me, okay?

- Wow, Tommy Hilfiger.

He's like the president,
but of things I care about.

- Hey.

- Hey.

- Waiting for a friend.

- That's nice.

- Hope he shows soon,
I'm on a bit of a schedule.

- Okay.

- I'm a professional
race car driver, sh.

- That's amazing.

- The fans think so.

- Because you used to
be scared to ride a bike.

- How do you know that?

- You don't
recognize me, do you?

- Oh my God, are you
one of the Dixie Chicks?

- Dennis, it's me, Bert.

- What?

- I'm Bert.

- Okay, alright you
got me, where are ya?

Get out there.

- Dennis, I'm not kidding.

I had a little work done.

- Okay, alright, you
skinny son of a gun,

I'm gonna beat your ass.

Come here, we'll
split a margarita.

- And my name
isn't Bert any more.

It's Brandi, like
that stuffed cat

we had in our clubhouse.

- Hey, whoa, whoa whoa.

You're creeping me out, alright.

Now get Bert out here right now.

And don't say Bert's you
because that's a lie, lady.

That's a damn...

That's Kwai Chang.

No, cause he... - Oh yeah.

- Hey, Finch, how
did it go with Bert?

Was it like old times?

I know I have
this friend Margie,

I hadn't see her for years
and then I ran into her

at Barney's and
it was like, whoa,

what's with the blonde streak.

- He had boobs.

- Pardon.

- He had boobs.

Two of them as big as yours.

And God knows what's
going on downstairs.

- Okay, sorry, I'm
not following you.

- He had a sex change operation.

- Bert is a woman.

- I don't know what to do.

He was perfectly normal.

We used to ride skateboards
and read comic books

and talk about our
dream weddings,

all typical guy stuff.

- Well, did she say
why she had it done?

- Well, I didn't
stick around there

to blibber blabber,
I got the hell out.

- Finch, I'm ashamed of you.

Think of the courage
that it took for her

to come to you and
you treat her like a freak.

What about your oath
to always remain friends?

- Uh, I was 12
and she was a boy.

- Oh, here he is.

Dennis, a stunning
young woman is

out there looking for you.

- Oh God.

- Finch, she's your best friend.

- Right, alright
I'll go talk to her.

- You know, Dennis,
there's something special

about her.

I can't quite put
my finger on it.

But whatever it is, I like it.


- Hey.

- Hi, I'm, oh my God,
they are as big as mine.

- Look, Dennis, I'm
sorry I sprang this on you.

You're my oldest
friend so I thought

you might be okay with it but,

well, I can understand
if you're not.

Anyways, I won't
bother you again.

Take care.

- Bert, wait.

- Yeah.

- Listen, I'm
sorry, I'm, it's just,

it's a lot to take in, man.

- I can understand that.

- What made you decide to?

- I just always felt
like I was different.

Like I was walking
around in the wrong body.

- Yeah, I feel that
way about my arms.

- I tried therapy,
I tried hypnosis.

And one day I was at the
barber looking at a Playboy

and I thought,
Bert, let's do it.

- Wow.

Well, you know,
for what it's worth,

they did a great job.

Did they do the whole thing?

- Oh, yeah.

I'm all woman.

- That's cool.

Is it weird having
those, I mean,

do they itch or do
they slosh around?

- No, they're pretty firm.

Check 'em out.

- No, no, no.

- Come on, it's no big deal.

- Uh, do you play
with them all the time?

- For a while,
when I quit smoking.

- Nina, can we meet
about the double issue?

- Not now, Jack, I'm making
a spa date for Dee Dee.

- You're making appointments
for your assistant?

- Here's the thing.

Entre nous and frere
Jacque, about Dee Dee.

- Yes.

- Well, she isn't the
Dee Dee you think she is.

She's an entirely
different Dee Dee.

- I got about seven
more seconds for this.

- Alright, Dee Dee is
Tommy Hilfiger's daughter.

- She is?

- Yes, but she doesn't
want anyone to know,

she wants to make it on her own.

- See, I really admire that.

She's willing to earn
respect the hard way.

You are kissing her ass, right?

- Even more than I kiss yours.

- Well, pace yourself.

- Hey, I guess you have
to crash on the couch.

Sorry the air mattress exploded.

- Yeah, cut your toenails, man.

- So what do you wanna do?

- I don't know, is there
an arcade around here?

- You still like video games?

- Of course, they didn't
replace my brain, doof.

- You're the doof.

- Buttface.

- You're the buttface, buttface

- You're the ass knob
buttface that ran unopposed

for the Mayor of Turdtown.

- Damn, Bert,
you still got game.

♪ Hey, uh huh

♪ What I like about
you ♪ You hold me tight

♪ You tell me I'm the only one

♪ You wanna come
over tonight, yeah

♪ Keep on whispering in my ear

♪ Tell me all the
things that I wanna hear

♪ 'Cause it's true

♪ That's what I like about you

♪ What I like about you

♪ You really know how to dance

♪ When you go up,
down, jump around

♪ Think about true romance, yeah

♪ Keep on whispering in my ear

♪ Tell me all the
things I wanna hear

♪ 'Cause it's true

- Man, my thighs are killing me.

You make me do that ski
machine like eight times.

Well, I'm gonna crash.

Oh, can I have that pillow?

- No, I'm using this one.

- Hello, oh my gosh, I
can't believe I got through.

Do you have any tickets left

the the Feminist
Puppetry Series?

Really, you have
every ticket left?

- Maya, I need
you to approve this.

- Oh, okay.

Hey, how are things
going with you and Brandi?

- Uh, okay.

- Anything wrong?

- No, no, no, it's just
something I have to work out.

I wanna make love to Bert.

- What?

- I want him to be my girl.

I want to take him on picnics
and buy him pretty things.

- Are you serious?

- Yeah, I don't know.

Yes, is that weird?

It's weird isn't it?

I'm not sure, I'm
just so confused.

- Okay, how do you know
that she's even interested?

- Oh, I know Bert.

Waiting for me to
make the first move.

I was always the leader.

- Back when you were boys?

- Oh, I'm a freak.

- Now, look, look.

You're not a freak but
you are very confused.

And that's why I don't think
you should do anything.

You could ruin the friendship
and be left with nothing.

- Except my unnatural love.

Man, that stuff
ain't in the Bible.

- Okay, take my advice.

Give the two of you some space.

- Yeah, some space.

I'll get Bert a hotel room.

- Good idea.

- Then I'll stop thinking

about his smooth,
creamy, supple body.

- Right.

- You still think of
me as normal, right?

- Good luck tonight, okay?

- Hi, Elliot.

- Hey, Dee Dee, how ya doing?

Work okay, things
a little easier?

- Yeah, things are great.

Can I talk to you about
the photos you took?

- Of course you can.

I'm always happy
to guide youngsters

through my process.

- Yeah, these aren't very good.

- What?

- Oh, God, don't get me wrong,

I think you are so talented.

It's just that, well these
just don't go bang, you know.

I mean, maybe you
should re-shoot them?

- Look, it's good
to have opinions

and nose around in all
facets of the magazine

but, you're really in no
position to judge my work.

- Actually, I am.

- Director of visual

- Jack promoted me.

- I've been waiting
six years for my cards.

- I can put in a word for you.

Anyways, let me show you
what I'd like for the re-shoot.

- I have to go.

- Oh, okay, stop by my office.

My door is always open.

- Nina, Nina, where's Jack?

- Downstairs having
lunch with Tommy Hilfiger.

- Wait a minute, wait a minute.

You didn't tell him...

- It may have slipped out.

- Oh no.

- I know, I know, mea
culpa and labia minora.

Dee Dee, I picked
up your blazer.

- Oh, Nina, that
wasn't necessary.

- Oh, pshaw, don't mention it.

Except maybe to your dad.

- My dad?

- Yeah, I thought you could
work it into the conversation.

Would you like me
to braid your hair?

- Well, actually, my
dad and I don't speak.

- Excuse me.

- He walked out on us
when I was just a kid.

- Good Lord,
these are the stories

that don't make it
to the press release.

- He left us dirt poor.

- I grew up dirt poor.

- Never hearing from him.

- My father left
me in a hog trough.

- Wearing hand-me-downs
from the neighbor kids.

- Sleeping by the
stove just to stay warm.

- The deck was so
stacked against me.

- That you did a few
things you're not proud of

just so you could make
something of yourself.

- No.

- Me too.

And it still feels dirty.

- Speaking of family,
excuse me a moment.

By the way, I love your shirt.

Calvin Klein?

No, just kidding.

This better be good, the
mouse is circling the cheese.

- Jack, you haven't
said anything

about Dee Dee, have you?

- Elliot, I would never
use such a cheap tactic

to get business.

- Good, good, because she
isn't Tommy Hilfiger's daughter.

- What, that's my entire pitch.

- I'm sorry, I'm
sorry, I just made it up

so Nina would treat her better

and I didn't think
it would get this far.

And I'm sorry if I
screwed things up.

- No, no, no, I
think we're okay.

I have have hooked him
with my Calvin Klein joke.

But it could have
been a disaster.

- Absolutely right, Jack,
I'm never gonna do it again.

- Well, we should
never involve clients

in our personal vendettas.

- You're right.

- Clients are like
newborn chicks,

they have to be
nurtured and coddled.

- It really is a
delicate art, isn't it.

- I've often thought
about teaching a course.

Anyway, no harm, no foul.

- Oh, crap.

- Oh, hey, dude, just
finishing up my workout.

Guess what I'm taping?

A Kung Fu marathon
hosted by David Carradine.

- That's cool.

Hey listen, I
wanted to talk to you.

- Hi ya, hi ya.

You wanna a piece of me, huh?

You want some of this?

- Put me down.

Sorry, sorry, I just.

- It's alright, I forgot
about your brittle bones.

- Oh, hey, wait, can
you do me a favor?

- What do you want me to do?

- Just grab and push.

- Oh God Almighty.

- Hey, remember
my eighth birthday

where we all played Twister
and you wet your pants?

- I was allergic to Shasta.

Hey, listen, I think
we need to talk

about the sleeping situation.

What about it?

Be careful my little friend.

- Who said that?

Oh my God, it's David Carradine.

What are you doing here?

- Trying to lead you
on a path to wisdom.

- What do you mean?

- You have an important
decision before you here.

A foolish man could go astray.

- Can she see you?

- No, I'm only in your mind.

That's why I'm wearing
this leather jacket

you saw at Banana Republic.

- Oh, God, oh, God,
cramp in the thigh.

Dennis, rub, rub.

Oh, yes, yes.

- So what should I do?

What is the wise path?

- The what?

I'm sorry, I'm so
horny I can even think.

- I have my answer.

- Man, I can't even
believe we're still talking.

- Bert, I gots to
have you, buddy.

- Dennis, what are you doing?

- What was meant to be.

- I'm gonna beat
the crap out of you.

- No, don't you get it?

We started out as
friends, there's a trust there.

Let's get it on.

What the hold up here?

- Look, Dennis, I
just wanna be friends.

- We both like the same things.

Why should this
be any different?

- Because I'm not
attracted to you.

- Oh, dude that's cold.

- Look, Dennis,
we're like brothers

or brother and sisters.

But surely nothing else,
it would be too weird.

And I like what we have,
what we've always had.

Don't you?

- Yeah, yeah, I guess I do.

I'm sorry, Bert.

I mean, I'm sorry Brandi.

- It's okay, I didn't mean
to get all girly on you.

- Look, why don't
you get dressed.

I'll get us some pizza,
we'll play some laser tag.

That'll be fun.

- Actually, I kinda
made other plans.

- What do you mean like a date?

- Uh huh.

Oh my God, I gotta get dressed.

This bra thing still
takes me half an hour.

- Hey, Dennis,
tell Brandi I'm here.

- You're her date?

- Yeah, we're going
for drinks at the Carlyle,

dinner at Balthazar and
after that, who knows.

- Jack, there's something
I think you should know

about Brandi.

- What's that?

- I'll tell ya in the morning.

♪ Life keeps
bringing me back to you

♪ Keeps bring me home

♪ It don't matter
what I wanna do

♪ It's got a mind of its own

♪ Life keeps
bringing me back to you