Just Shoot Me! (1997–2003): Season 5, Episode 4 - Donnie Returns - full transcript

Elliot's brother Donnie who once feigned being mentally challenged so that he could be waited on by his mother returns. He claims to have found a job but is in trouble with some loan sharks...

Previously on Just Shoot Me...

- Well, my brother had an
accident when he was 18,

and he fell.

See, now he's a little a slow.

- Oh.


- Donnie has secret, you
promise not to tell anybody?

- Well, sure, I promise.

Okay, here's the deal,
I'm not really slow.

All right, I faked
falling out of that tree,

now everybody waits
on me hand and foot.

It is the sweetest
scam in the world.

- Hey, Jack, you
wanted to see me?

- Dennis, about the phone bill.

- What about it?

Is there a problem?

Dude, I got work
to do out there,

so, if you don't
wanna talk about...

We all make personal calls.

That's no shocker.

I called a phone
sex hotline one time.

For six hours.

She really listened to me, Jack.

She said I was special.

- Thank you, that'll be all.

- Hey, why'd I
just tell you that?

You see, my boy,

guilty people are so
uncomfortable with silence,

if you just keep quiet,

they'll tell you everything
you wanna know.

- Oh, is that a fact?

I may have sent her
one of our computers.

- Um, excuse me,

could you hand me a can
of cream soda, please?

Sure, and I'll throw in a smile.

Oh, my god, Donnie, it's you.

Okay, all right, I
understand your reaction,

but that was a different me.

In fact, meet the
new Donnie DiMauro.

- You're selling life insurance?

No, no, no, no, I'm
not selling anything,

I'm providing peace of mind.

Is that somehow
connected with the toupee?

- I'm sorry, I don't follow you.

You used to be bald.

Eh, no, I'm afraid
you're mistaken.

- Hey, bro.

- Hey, man.

- What's this?

- Oh, that is a promotional
keychain bottle opener,

but do not drink and drive!

- How 'bout this guy, huh?

- Huh, I know, hey.

What is he doing here?

- Oh, I guess I
forgot to tell you,

Donnie's joining us for lunch.

Oh, will he be
cutting his own meat?

This one, with the memory.

- Hey, Nina.

Look what I found
buried in the trash.

- Oh, one of your
ceramic kitties.

Too bad it's broken.

I wonder who broke it?

I mean, you have to assume
that it was an accident.

Perhaps liquor may
have been involved.

All right, I did it!

I was trying to arrange
them so they'd look like

they were having sex,

and I just thought it
would make you laugh.

No, I didn't, I thought it
would make you angry.

And maybe even cry.

- You may go.

- Why did I just
tell you all that?

- I say nothing, you confess,

little Jedi mind trick I
picked up along the way.

- How long must I be punished

for never having been to Japan?

- Dennis, who's the
one I always forget?

- Sneezy.


- Hey, guys, look
who stopped by.

- Oh, hey, Donnie.

Who's got a pretty suit?

Donnie does.

- Dad, he's not really
slow, remember?

- What, a guy can't
compliment another guy

in a childlike voice?

Oh, hey, who's got
a shiny tie clasp?

You do!

- Hey, I'm gonna hunt
down a breath mint.

You know, fresh breath
is an oral handshake.

- Oh, Elliot.

- Look, look, I know how
you feel about Donnie,

and I don't blame you,

but I just really want
a chance to show you

how he's changed his life.

- Okay, fine, but
you mark my words,

he's gonna hit you up for money.

- No, he doesn't need
to, he's got a great job.

- Elliot, people don't change.

- Then why do you go to therapy?

Oh yeah.

Okay, guys, lunch is on me.

I know this great
little place in SoHo.

- Ah, don't bother, bro,
we'll just go downstairs.

- No, no, no, no, my lunch,
my treat, my special place.

All right?

Hey, Dennis, when you gonna
stop hiding behind that counter

and come join me in the
brotherhood of salesmen?

- I don't know, would I have
to wear the coonskin cap?

- Shall we?

And the best part is I'm
actually helping people

take the sting out of death.

- I'd like to propose a toast,

to my little brother, Donnie.

- No, no, no, let me toast you.

To my big brother,

who always believed
I could turn it around.

Oh boy, here we go.

- Oh, and you park
it right here, buddy.

Let's go.

Oh, wow.

- What is it?

- Oh, one of my
clients just walked in.

I'm just gonna go say
hi to him real quick.

You've got to try the bread!

- Well?

- Look, I've said what I think,

and this bread is just okay.

- What does the guy
have to do to prove to you

that he's cleaned up his act?

Forget about the
Donnie you knew, Maya.

- Elliot...

Maya, just open up your
heart and you can see

the Donnie that I
always knew he could be.

- I think you need
to turn around.

- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Hey, hey, Donnie, Donnie,
Donnie, are you okay?

I'm fine.

Yeah, oh, that guy?

No, he's a, he's a
friend, we do this...

Hey, all right.

No, he's a, you
know, we do this thing

and I'll kid him and
he'll kid me back, and...

Oh my god, I'm in
so much trouble, man.

- Who was that guy?

- Uh, he's a loan shark.

Uh, he lent me
money to get set up.

I mean, you know, the
suit, the car, the rug.

And yes, I'm bald,
okay, you satisfied?

- But why would you...

- Because I had
to look successful.

I couldn't go to work in pajamas

and a football helmet.

- Well, you're doing all
right now, just pay him back.

- No, I'm not doing all right.

I can't give these
policies away.

You know, it's like
I'm trying to sell 'em

explosive diarrhea or something.

- How much you in for, buddy?

- $8,500.

And it's a week overdue.

You know, I gave him my
Rolex to buy a little time,

but, you know, I think
when he finds out it's fake,

he's just gonna be madder.

Man, I'm screwed!

- All right, it's okay, this
is what we're gonna do.

My bank is right
around the corner...

- Elliot!
- What?

He's just asking you for money.

- Elliot, I'll pay
you back, I swear.

He, he, he, he's scamming you.

- Maya, that isn't
fooling anyone.

Yeah, and it's really annoying.

- God, well, so is
your silly little act.

- My act? He hit me!

- Weren't you watching?

- Of course I was,

that's why he dragged
us to his special place,

so we could witness his
little piece of dinner theater.

Oh, bravo.

Maya, no offense, okay,

but this is between
Elliot and me, okay?

Man to man.


It's me, little Donnie.

- Elliot.

- Shame on you, Donnie.

Shame on you.

- No, I'm not lying!

She's turning you against me.

- I think we should go.

- No, please, please, I'm
begging you, I'm begging you.

No, please, we're
flesh and blood.


Don't make me humiliate myself!

All I've got left is my dignity!

- So, Kevin, how are things
down in the mail room?

- Okay, how are things down
at the rich old bastards club?


Finch, I said it,
but he didn't laugh.

- Hello, Jack.

- Nina.

- So, rumor has it
you have a meeting

with a certain high
profile fashion mogul?

- You mean Tommy Hilfiger?

- Aha!

- What?

- My silence has
made you confess.

- Confess what?

It's just a meeting, I sent you
an email about it yesterday.

- Oh, you're like a faucet,

now it comes out
about the email!

- Look, just make
sure you're there, okay?

I should go now, you're
embarrassing yourself.

- Hey, busy?

- No, how are you feeling?

- Oh, it'll be fine.

- Good.

- These need captions.

You think Donnie
will ever learn?

- Probably not.

- This time, I really thought,

I really, really thought
that he was gonna...

- I know, I know, because
you're loving and trusting.

- I guess.

- And really, really sexy.

- Ah, you know,
it's a new shirt.

Thank you for
looking out for me.

If you hadn't have been there,

I don't know what
I would've done.

- Oh, hey, we look
out for each other.

Oh, let me get this.

Maya Gallo.

- Maya, it's Elliot's
mother, where is he?

- Oh, he's right here.

- Well, put him on the phone.

Somebody beat the
living hell out of Donnie.

- It's like you're
my guardian angel.

- Ma.

- Oh, thank heaven you're here.

- Oh my god, is he all right?

- Does he look all right?

Ma, what happened?

- They were in
the parking garage.

I tried to run, they
took my Tercel.

- Shh.

- It's okay, buddy.

- They beat me about the
buttocks with the antenna.

Is that a glass of
water over there?

- Oh, let me get it for you.

- No, you've done enough.

- No, no, no, no, I
wanna do it myself.

- No, no, honey.

No, no!

- Where you going?

- To get Donnie the money.

- No!

I'm a big boy, I
can do it myself.

Oh my god, it's like fire!

- May I have
everyone's attention?

I have a very sad announcement.

Blush magazine's very first
employee, Russel Henderson,

died last night in his
sleep at the age of 83.

Russ was a good bookkeeper
and a friend to all who knew him.

In his honor, please join
me in a moment of silence.

We were stranded in the snow!

Our radio was broken!

For the love of god, we
had to eat something!

Okay, silence over.

- Donnie?

Can you hear me?

I got the money,
everything's gonna be okay.

I'm so sorry that I
didn't believe you.


- Hi.

- Medicine time.

- How's our boy doing?

- Still my favorite patient.

- See you later, my friend.

- You know where to find me.

- Well, well, well...

- Maya, hey, I had a dream
that they found my car,

and there was gold in the
trunk, so I could pay you back.

- I gotta hand it to you,
Donnie, I almost fell for it.

Fake doctors and
the medical machines.

What is this place really?

Like, a storage room?

- Who, what?

- You just forgot one
little detail, my friend,

I am an investigative journalist,
trained to observe detail,

and I am gonna pull the
plug on your little operation.

- You're scaring me.


- Oh, that's a good idea,
let's go see the nurse!

- What are you doing?

Oh, a little physical therapy!

Come on, you're a
big boy, you can do it!

Oh, beautiful fall.

Come on, Donnie,
get up, it's over!

- Oh my god, I have
a patient coding,

I need help in here, stat!

Ooh, coding, stat,
somebody's been watching ER.

How did he get out of bed?

- God knows, but I think
he landed on his head.

- Well, so much for
happy hour at SoHo Bistro.

SoHo Bistro?

- We need to get
another IV started.

- Wait, do you guys actually
hang out at that place?

- Young lady, this is
hardly the time or the place,

but yes, we do enjoy
a drink there after work.

- It's just across the street.

- Oh my god, do you
ever go there for lunch?

- Yes, yes, sometimes for lunch!

Now will somebody
get her out of here?

- What's going on?


He fell, I was way over here.

- Maya, did you write
a snappy headline

for the bridal spread?

- What?

Oh, um...
- What is with you?

You've been moping
around all week.

Now, whatever is wrong,
it's time for you to get past it!

- I can't.

- All right, Maya,

I'm gonna give you
a little something here

called dimethylhydraselfazine.

Or what I like to refer
to as the giggly express.

- No, all right, no,
no, no, thank you.

Nina, I've done
something terrible.



something that Elliot
really cares about,

and he thinks it
was an accident,

but it was really my fault,

and I'm afraid that
if I tell him the truth,

he'll never forgive me.

- I wouldn't worry about it.

- Really, why not?

- Elliot loves you,
whatever you did,

I'm sure he'll forgive you.

- Do you really think so?

I do.

I mean, Elliot is just so torn
up over Donnie's accident,

he's not gonna care if
you broke something.

No, think about
it, think about it,

if you're brother was in a coma,

you wouldn't care
who broke what.

- Hey, Maya, I just thought
you might wanna know...

Are you still moping?


Maya, look at me.

We've come a long,
long way together,

through the hard
times and the good,

I wanna celebrate you, Maya.

I wanna praise
you like I should.

Bow, bow, wa, bow, bow.

- I meant to give
him an aspirin,

but I may have made a mistake.

- Hey, by the way,

Donnie and his mom
are on the way up.

- What?

What's going on?

- Isn't it great?

The doctor said he can go home.

- Does this mean
he's gonna be okay?

- With time, and
a lot of prayer.

- Apparently he still has
some sort of brain trauma.

They're pretty
sure he'll get better,

but they just don't know when.

- That means he's hungry.

Here, honey.

Okay, and chew.

Anyway, the good news is

he's coming home to his
momma, where he belongs.

- Oh, that means he's thirsty.

- Oh, you want soda or juice?

Ah, a juice man.

Come on, we'll find something.

- Donnie, I don't
know if you can

understand what I'm saying,

but I'm gonna do everything
I can to help make you better.

I'll come read you poetry,

or music, that
stimulates the brain.

I can kind of play the piccolo.

- Please, leave me alone.


- I just want my
life back, okay?

My old life.

You're fine?

You're totally fine?

- No, I got beat up,

but when you dropped me
on my head in the hospital,

I saw my chance.

- You, you are...

- Hey, look, I tried
to make a go of it,

you know, but paying rent,
and making car payments,

and reaching for
things, it's not me.

- I'm gonna tell.

- Oh, come on, it gives
my mother purpose.

She likes it.

I like it.

It works for us.

- Look, Donnie, Cran-Apple.

- Juice for the juice man.

- We'll take it with us, huh?

Oh, come on, Donnie, let's
go make you some lasagna.

Thank god he can still eat.

- See you soon, buddy.

- Bye-bye.

- All right, wait.

- Oh, oh, he's
squeezing my hand.

Oh, it's okay, Donnie,
Mommy's with you.


It's so good to be needed again.

Oh, yes, Maya, you were saying?

- Donnie is a brave, brave boy.

- Well, he'll have to be.

He's sharing a
room with Grandma.

- Bye!

We love you!

- Look out that window, Maya.

See how everyone's so happy?

The birds are
singing, the blue sky,

and millions of people
down there just groovin'.

They're just groovin'.

Groove is in the heart.

Well, the chills that
you spill up my back

keep me filled
with satisfaction.

Bow, bow, wa, bow, bow.