Just Shoot Me! (1997–2003): Season 5, Episode 3 - Mum's the Word - full transcript

Maya learns of Elliot's criminal past. Nina dates a famous television actor, whose rough-n-tough nomad character melts away once she discovers he lives with his mother. Mamma's not about to share her boy with another woman.

And action!

- Well looks like it's
just you and me now.

- I'm gonna drop you, Nomad!

- Go ahead, shoot.

But you better not miss.

- Ooh he's taking
an awful chance.

Hey, you know what this is?

- The outside of the office
you're supposed to be in.

- No, they're filming
The Nomad here.

- Who?

- The Nomad.

Each week this guy
travels from town to town

fighting crime
with only his wits

and the occasional help
of a super intelligent raven.

- That sounds stupid.

- You sound stupid.

I'm sorry, it's just, he's
been through so much.

- You're just lonely,

like someone else I know.

- My point is what kind of
rabbi has a clip on beard?

- What is she, what?

- What are you blind?

I'm sorry.

- That's quite alright.

I wish all scenes
ended this beautifully.

- Well there's clearly nothing
wrong with your eyesight.

- I got his eye patch!

Woo, I got the
Nomad's eye patch, woo!

- My crow!

Ah take it!

Not the face!

- Hey.

Don't forget the
polls close at 9:00

so we should go
vote before dinner.

- Actually you know,
I've got a lot of work

so I may just skip
the whole voting thing.

Yeah right.

What, you're serious?

- Yeah, yeah, it's just,
you know, I'm way behind

and really, it's one
vote, so who cares?

- Are you breaking up with me?

- Stop it.

I'm just not into voting.

- Oh, okay.

You know, I used to have a
boyfriend who felt that way too.

Oh no wait, that was Stalin.

- Alright, let's get started.

You know, I still don't get it.

If he's a nomad, where
does he get his mail?

- You know what, we
don't need viewers like you.

- What are you talking about?

- The Nomad, they're filming
right outside the building.

And your friend Nina
there ruined a take.

- The director said I
cost them $20,000.

- You know, nothing about
that show makes sense.

How did he lose
an eye in a fire?

- Thank you.

- Why don't you ask him?

- How?

- Isn't that the actor
right over there?

- It is.

Oh my god, it is!

Be cool, be cool!

We're wearing the same pants!

- Pardon me, we met downstairs.

I hope I'm not interrupting.

- Oh don't worry, it's
all just fashion crap.

- You know what's a
great show, MacGyver.

- Oh my god!

- I never introduced myself.

I'm Robert Gallatin.

- Nina Van Horn.

- Look, I don't make a habit
of chasing strange women

who knock me down, but
would you have lunch with me?

- Oh, well this is so sudden.

I mean, what do I
really know about you,

except that you're
handsome and famous?

- Oh and don't forget rich.

- That would only
matter if you weren't.

- Man, he's like a god to me.

- You know, I'm
sitting right here.

- Hey, you wanted to see me?

- You bet I did.

In 1967 there was a bond
issue to build a bridge in Newark,

a bridge that would
ease congestion

and ultimately save lives.

It lost by one vote.

In 1942, State Senate
of Rhode Island,

the incumbent who
would surely be a shoe in...

- Stop it!

Alright look, the truth
is is that I can't vote

because I was
convicted of a felony.

- Oh for god's sakes, just vote.

- I'm not kidding, Maya.

I can't vote because
I've been to prison.

- Seriously?

Well what happened?

I mean, what did you do?

- I took a car for a joyride.

- You stole a car?

- I was 19, yeah.

It was a mail truck, I wanted
to see how fast it would go.

Not that fast.

And I spent a month in a
federal correctional facility.

- Oh Elliot.

- Yeah, I mean I
haven't told anyone

because I don't want people
to look at me differently.

So do you?

Do you look at me differently?

- No, of course not.

Why would I?

You're the same decent,
sweet man that I fell in love with,

who sometimes just sees
what he wants and takes it.

- Maya are you
getting turned on?

- Maybe.

So, what did you do
when the cops came?

- Tried to hide in a mail bag.

- Okay, now I'm fine.

Oh my god, this view is amazing.

Mine's not bad either.

- Oh.

- So after lunch, do you
generally not go back to work?

- Uh, we're closed
in the afternoons.

Anyway, dinner was fabulous.

I can't believe how
everybody stared at you

in the restaurant.

- I thought they
were staring at you.

- Come on, you're the Nomad.

- Yes, but I'm thinking
of settling down.

- Kiss me or hold
me up or something.

Oh my, I should warn
you I'm a screamer.

- So long as we
don't wake my mother.

You're mother,
that's a good one.

- Who's there?

- So the Nomad
lives with his mommy.

Who's your hero now, Dennis?

- I think it's sweet.

- What a surprise.

- I admit, I was a little
taken aback at first

but his mother's been
having a tough time

since her husband passed away

and Robert wants
to be there for her.

- Of course he does,
that's the Nomad's code.

He takes care of people.

- Nina, may I be honest?

- It's so hard to
know ahead of time.

- Nina, I think that
whole living situation

is a little strange.

- Jack, you're wrong.

The way Robert
looks out for his mother

shows what a decent,
giving man he is.

- It's creepy.

- Says the guilt-ridden man
who stuck his mom in a home.

Where she has all
the jello she can eat.

Okay, that wraps it up for me.

Hey Elliot there you are.

Listen, I got a message for you.

Here it is.

Oh no this isn't for you,

this is for Mr. J.L. Bird.

Mr. J.L. Bird.

- Who's he?

- Some new guy.

Oh wait, here it is, here it is.

No this isn't you either,

this is Mr. Grant Theftauto.

Grant Theftauto.

- Maya!

- Prisoner on the rampage,
lockdown, lockdown!

- You told Finch.

- What?

- He knows I've been to prison.

- Oh that, I'm sorry
it just slipped out.

Don't be mad,
everyone thinks it's cool!

You're like Johnny Cash.

- Everyone?

Everyone knows?

- What's the big deal?

So you have a colorful past.

- Oh it's colorful?

You know my
prison record kept me

from getting into art school?

And when my
girlfriend found out,

her parents made her dump me.

Maya once people know,
they never look at you the same.

- Okay, I'm really
sorry that I upset you.

But everyone's
known since yesterday

and what's the worst
thing that's happened?

- Finch made fun of me.

- Okay, and doesn't
he do that every day?

- I guess.

- So really what's the harm?

Paging Mr. Saul

- Madam, your carriage awaits.

- I can't believe I've lived
in New York all these years

and never done this.

- I'm glad your
first time is with me.

- So do you have any other
surprises lined up for tonight?

- Tally ho!

- I'm so sorry, she
thought she heard a noise

in the apartment.

- But I...
- Let's go, up we go.

- Oh my pretzel.

- Don't worry, I'll run in
and get you another one.

- Spicy mustard!

- It certainly is a lovely
night for a carriage...

- Shut up.

Now that we have a minute...
- What?

- Stay away from my son.

- I'm sorry...
- Leave him alone!

Or you're dead.

- Are you sure you're alright?

That was quite a fall.

- It's all my fault, I
bumped right into her.

- Yeah and then you
stepped on my hand

when I was on the ground.

- I'm just a clumsy old bird.

- Maybe we should
elevate that leg.

- Or she could just walk
it off on her way home.

- Mother, could
you get some ice?

- And put it in a cocktail.

- Of course dear.

I'll make it special.

- I think you're gonna be okay.

- Robert, I don't exactly
know how to say this

but when we were
alone in the hansom cab,

your mother threatened me.

- Threatened, what
do do you mean?

- She said leave him
alone or you're dead.

She's jealous of me, Robert.

- Here we go, dear.

This will put you
out of your misery.

- Mother I need to
ask you something.

- Yes?

- Did you threaten Nina when
you were alone in the carriage?

- What?

- She seems to think you said,

leave him alone or you're dead.

- Oh you poor thing.

What I said was, you're thin
as a bone, you're underfed.

- That hardly sounds
threatening, Nina,

although a tad judgemental.

- Robert, I know what I heard.

Now why would I make that up?

- Well I guess you wouldn't.

- Oh, oh.

- Mother, what's wrong?

- So dizzy, all this
talk, trying to convince.

- Oh my god.

Nina, I have to
take care of this.

Can I call you tomorrow?

- Don't bother.


- My, what a bitch.

- Nina, I am so proud of you.

His mother's never gonna
let go, you did the right thing.

- He just seemed so perfect.

Now I just feel so empty.

- Why don't you throw
yourself into your work?

Oh Jack,

always willing to play
the clown for a friend.

- Is it true?

Did the Nomad break up with us?

- I don't have time for this.

- What filthy things did
you do to drive him away?

Someone answer me!

- Where are my sunglasses?

- I think I saw 'em
on the table here.

- Oh yeah, I left 'em there.

Damn it, somebody
stole my sunglasses.

- So Jack, maybe
we can talk more...

- What was that?

- What was what?

- You all looked at me.

- No we didn't.

- Yes you did.

- What's going on?

- Everyone here thinks I
stole Jack's sunglasses.

- Are you joking?

Nobody thinks
you stole anything.

- Then why did you look at me?

- I don't know.

- Maybe subconsciously I
remembered Maya's story

and I looked at you.

- Because you think I'm a thief.

- No one thinks you're a thief.

- Well then why
did they look at me?

- For god's sakes this whole
thing could be cleared up

if you just empty your pockets.

- Yeah, you were right Maya.

No one cares about my
past, everyone thinks it's cool.

I'm Johnny Cash.

- I think someone
needs a conjugal visit.

I meant me!

- Excuse me.

- May I help you?

- I'm looking for Nina.

- Yes, Miss Van Horn,
I'll see if she's available.

Oh my god the Nomad's here!

- Well this is unexpected.

- I'm glad you're here.

I thought you guys
might be closed.

For you.

- Thank you.

- Nina, I'm sorry I doubted you.

My mother's very clingy and if
you say she threatened you...

- Robert, that's very sweet
but it's really not the point.

If you and I have any
sort of future together,

we need some time alone.

- I understand.

And that's why I've
told her to move out.

Look Nina, you're all
I've been thinking about.

I don't want to lose you.

Can I have a second
chance, please?

- Oh Robert.

- Dennis, this Nomad
show, what time is it on?

- Hey what's up?

What are you checking
out food and stuff?

Are you still pissed?

You know in London,
pissed means drunk.

- What do we have here?

- Hey, Jack's glasses.

Must have been cleaning them

when I was counting
my popsicles.

You know what, maybe
we can get you a new trial.

- Hey hey hey,
look what I found!

They were in Dad's
car the whole time.

Silly Dad, always
leaving things in places.

- Maya...
- What?

- We got Jack's sunglasses.

- Oh okay, guess I got caught.

Well the important
thing is, mystery solved,

moving on, water
under the bridge.


- You just don't get it do you?

This doesn't change anything.

People looked at me, the
damage has been done.

- Alright, that's it.

So you went to jail, so
now everybody knows,

get over it!

- What do you know, huh?

You've never had a
secret you're ashamed of

dragged out in public.

- Okay, here's one for you,

and I want
everyone to hear this.

Three years ago, I cheated
in the New York City Marathon.

Okay? See?

No one even cares.

- What do you mean you cheated?

- I took the subway
after the sixth mile.

'Cause I wanted to beat

that snooty miss zero
body fat from payroll.

And I did, I beat her good.

- Well we were all
there to cheer you on.

- Yeah I stood in the rain
screaming your dumb name.

- I know and that was
sweet, I was wrong,

but it's in the past.

- Then we took you
to a victory dinner.

- Yeah, I wrapped
you in a tinfoil blanket.

- The point is nobody cares.

Wait... What?

Who did I hurt? Who?

He's the criminal,
he stole the car!

And that's the only
one we know about!

- Oh you're gonna
love hotel living.

If they decline your credit card

just say you're with the band.

- Oh it's just for one day

and then I'm off to
Chicago to visit Aunt Jenny.

- Really? That's great.

- There's nothing like
Chicago in the winter.

- Well then...
- Goodbye Mom.

- Goodbye dear.

So, we're finally alone!

- Can I fix you a drink?

- Please.

Make it a big one.

There's no mother to
wag her finger at us.

- She is gone.

- She won't be
here in the morning.

She won't be here
tomorrow night.

- I am so proud of you.

Onions or olives?

- Why not both?

Won't see her for days.

Maybe weeks.

- We should get a dog.

- I'm practically alone.

- Well, I'm here.

- Yes, but she isn't.

Mommy said no booze after 9:00!

What have I done?

What have I done?

I'm such a bad
boy, I'm a bad boy.


Oh Mother!

- My little Nomad.

- Never leave me,
never, never, never!

- Robert I'm not
kidding, it's her or me.