Just Shoot Me! (1997–2003): Season 5, Episode 2 - A Night at the Plaza - full transcript

- Just relax.

- And...

go.

- Hi, I'm Kevin,

video bachelor number
eight-two-two-six.

- Tell us something
about yourself.

- I'm video bachelor.

- No, do you have any hobbies?

- I like nature.

- Good, good.

- I like animals.



- Ooh, what kind of animals?

- Owls.

I like owls.

I collect their beaks.

I go through the forest
at night and get 'em,

and when I have enough, I'm
gonna make a beautiful necklace.

And I'll give it to you!

Is that good?

- I feel like I have a moral
obligation to call the police.

Hey.
- Hey.

How you holdin' up?

- Okay.

Listen, I have something
I want you to read.

- What is it?



- It's a magazine article

about how couples
should communicate.

- Oh, great!

- You know, I feel
like this whole thing

with my dad's divorce,
it's a wake-up call.

- Oh, of course,
definite wake-up.

I mean, I'm not gonna
sleep through this one.

- You have no idea what
I'm talking about, do you.

- No.

- You see, we need
to pay attention to us.

We need to fix problems
before they become problems.

- Okay, I will read it.

- Okay, thank you.

Thank you.
- You're welcome.

Have you told Finch
and Nina about your dad?

- No, not yet, but I
brought this in for Finch.

He's really gonna take
this divorce thing hard.

- "Don't Cry, Daddy
Still Loves You."

- Helped me so much
when my dad left my mom.

- Maya, you were a kid.

Finch is a grown man.

- He still laughs hysterically

every time my friend Dick calls.

C'mon, let's go.

- Nah, G, that gig is locked.

It's off the hook.

All right, man, I'll catch
you on the flip-flop.

Peace out.

- Finch, I have something
that I need to tell you.

- Cool, 'cause I'm
done with my call.

You know, about
me being in a band.

- Hey, you're in a band?

- Yeah.

You know, I don't
really like to talk about it.

Okay.

- 'Cause it's really about the
music, you know what I mean?

- Well, I have something
that I really need to tell you.

- Look, it's just a little
project I've thrown together,

all right?

It's a couple of guys, and we
don't wanna explode too soon,

'cause I like the little clubs.

- Finch, would you
shut up a second?

Oh, Nina, good,
I'm glad you're here.

I want you to hear this, too.

I have a little
announcement to make.

- That was the only
clean outfit in your closet?

- I'm in a band.

- Hey, hey, hey!

Dennis, who do I call
to buy this glorious day?

- Uh, the rich weird guy store?

- Dad, I didn't expect that
you would be here today.

- Why not?

- Oh, uh, I was taking a
walk in the park last night,

and I was bit by a squirrel.

I tried to run.

More squirrels appeared.

Can I see you two
in my office, please?

I'm confused.

- They hunt in packs.

Chop, chop!

- That all seemed
a little strange.

- We're thinking of naming
the band Zip, Flop, Oh My Lord.

- What is going on?

- Are you saying
the park is infested?

- I just don't want
anybody to find out

about Allie leaving me!

Look, I know it's gonna
come out at some point,

but I'm just not ready.

So I've checked in at the Plaza,

and I just want my privacy
and some time to sort things out.

Meanwhile, it's
business as usual.

Got it?

- Got it.

- Business as usual.

- Dennis, can you bring
me those circulation reports?

♪ Baby love, your
wish is my command

♪ You're my woman, I'm your man

- Do I give him enough to do?

- It really wouldn't matter.

- Hey, Finch.

- Hey, Kevin, what's up?

- Just mail.

Are you using a new soap?

- What's that?

- You smell different.

- Dude, you have to stop
saying stuff like that, okay?

- All right, I'm sorry.

But since I already asked...

- Yes, yes, I have a new soap.

It's new, I used it today.

First time.

- It's nice.

It's like a weekend
in New England.

- Go, go.

- I just had the oddest
conversation with Jack.

- What do you mean?

- Well, a few months
ago, he asked me

to have Vera Wang design
a dress for Allie's birthday.

I remember it was
important because

it's the only thing I've
written down all year.

And then, out of the blue,
he tells me to cancel the order.

- Weird, because,
not half an hour ago,

he had me cancel Allie's
rock climbing trip this weekend.

- Really?

- And yesterday, he and
Maya kicked me out of the office

to discuss a "Family matter."

- If I could just
get those squirrels

in a room alone for
five minutes, I swear.

- Dennis, cancel the
wine-tasting event on Saturday.

Allie and I won't be going.

- Oh my God, Allie's pregnant!

- Ooh, gotta be! Wow!

Oh, I hope it's not a boy.

Why?

- No reason.

- Oh, thanks.

- Wow, babies.

It's weird to think that we
all started out only this big.

- Ow.

- Hey!

- Hey.

- So, did you get a
chance to read that article?

- Oh, yeah, you know,
it was pretty interesting.

So how's Jack doing?

- Oh, still in denial.

You know, I can't help
but think how much

he and Allie could have
learned from Sally and John.

- Who are Sally and John?

- The couple in the article

that you just lied
about reading.

- Ah.

So, Finch is in a band!

All right, look.

You want the truth?

I was going to read it.

And then I saw you had
highlighted half the paragraphs.

- Those are the
crucial sections!

- You know how annoying
it is when you do that?

It's like you're saying

I can't understand
it without your help.

- That's not what
I'm saying at all!

- Then why do you write,

"Elliot, this is you"
in the margins?

- If you don't want to
read the article, then don't.

I don't think you should do
anything that you don't want to.

- Well, I wish you had said that

before we rented
Waiting to Exhale.

- Where the Hell is everybody?

Is there a fire drill?

- Oh, that's impossible.

I'm the floor captain.

- Am I the only one who
cares about this magazine?

- It's okay, maybe
people went to lunch.

- Dad, are you
holding up all right?

- I told you, I'm fine!

It's just business as usual!

Surprise!

- Baby on the way, Jack!

I didn't think you had any
bullets left in the old musket!

- What the hell...

♪ For he's a horny old fellow

Come on, sing along!

- No, you guys stop it!

He's not having a baby,
he's getting a divorce!

- Whoa.

Here I come!

- Oh, crap.

- Da-da!

- Sorry about the party, Jack.

We had no idea
about you and Allie.

- Also, the hors
d'oeuvres were stale,

and I hate myself for that.

- How about we just
get back to work?

- Well, I say, good riddance!

You know, it was just
a matter of time before

you got bored with
that ditzy ding-dong.

- Nina, she left me.

- Oh, for goodness' sakes,
I mean, every man strays.

Why doesn't she just grow up?

What is this, Candyland?

- I didn't stray, she did.

- Good Lord, does that
woman have no regard

for the sanctity of marriage?

I'm sure it was just
a one-time thing.

- She's in love with him.

- Jack, I can't help
you if you don't help me.

- Just drop it.

Now, Dennis, about
those circulation...

- Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, Jack.

No one's been steamrolled
by Cupid more than me, okay?

Now, there's only
one way to get over it.

Salty tears, buddy,
right here, c'mon.

- Dennis.

- Don't hold back,
Jack, get it out!

- Dennis, I really don't need...

- Everybody needs!

Everybody needs?

Oh my God, the songs
are just pouring out of me!

- Listen, I do not
want to say this again!

I just want to go
about my business

and deal with my
private life on my own!

- Dad, I have told
everyone how you feel,

and from this point on,
it's just another work day.

- Thank you.

Dennis, what
time is that meeting

with the Ralph Lauren people?

- Oh, I canceled that.

- You canceled my meeting?

- Well, I thought
it would be better

if you and I took
a walk instead.

- Maya!

- You know what, no offense,

but I think it would be better
if Jack and I took a walk.

- I'm his daughter.

- Exactly.

He chose me.

- Wait, wait, wait, wait.

I am his best friend.

I am the one with whom
any walking will be done.

Jack, bring your wallet.

- All right, that's enough!

I am taking a walk alone!

I won't be back.

And thank you for making a
difficult day even more painful.

- Dad, wait.

- So, is Mr. Gallo really mad?

- Yeah, Kevin.

And sorry about
that diaper thing.

- That's all right.

This nice man in
the lobby offered me

$1000 to dance for him.

Hi.

- Hi. Where are you going?

- To the Ranger game.

- Oh.

- Remember? I
told you last week.

The guys are downstairs
in the cab, so I...

- Yeah, well, okay, yeah.

Have a great time.

I will, uh, be here.

- Yeah, I'll be right down.

Yo, DiMauro, c'mon, let's go!

Move it!

- Is something wrong?

- No, nothing's wrong. Go.

- 'Cause if this is
about the article thing,

I thought we moved past that.

- If you think we did.

Oh, look, Billy
Joel bought a boat!

- Just a minute!

Hurry up!

Don't forget your
hooded sweatshirt.

We all got ours on.

- Do you want me to stay?

- I think you should do
whatever you want to do.

- You know what? I'm gonna go.

'Cause if you can't
tell me what you want,

how can you expect
me to understand?

- I want you to stay!

- Oh, I can't.

- Well, then, why did you offer?

- I was bluffing.

- Okay, um, but I'm not.

I'm in a little bit
of a crisis, here.

- I know, I know.

But I got these
tickets weeks ago,

and I'll be back in three hours,

and then we can
stay up all night

and talk and hug
and stuff, okay?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah, go.

- You want me to call
you during a break?

- Just go!

- All right, that's
what you want.

We'll be right back

with The Marx
Brothers and Duck Soup!

- It says "Do not disturb!"

Dad, it's me!

Hi, I just thought I'd drop
by and see how you're doing!

- I'm doing fine.

- Oh, really?

Because sometimes people
say that they're doing just fine,

and then really, if you
look deep down inside,

then you'd find out
that they're, really,

I'm never gonna get married!

- Would you like to come in?

- I want you to fire Elliot!

- Oh, you don't
want me to do that!

- Yes, I do, and I want
you to do it in public.

- Come on, you love Elliot!

- I'm too good for him!

- Maybe you are,
maybe you're not.

The two of you
should hash that over.

- He's at a stupid Rangers game.

- Well, then, you'll
have time to go home

and get yourself all gussied up.

God Almighty.

- Hi, Jack. May I come in?

- I'd prefer if you didn't.

- Okay, I'm here.

- What are you talking about?

- Well, you made
me feel so guilty,

I couldn't enjoy the game.

So I just left.

- There you go, Maya!

Everybody wins!

- You know, if you're
gonna be like this,

I'm not even gonna talk to you.

- Oh, no, I'm
here, we're talking.

- Oh, the Hell we are.

- A-ha-ha, we're
gonna play that game?

All right, fine.

I can wait all night.

- You know what?

You two keep this room,
and I'll go get another one.

- Hello, Jack!

You know, after
your second divorce,

you were on the second floor,

and now after your fifth
divorce, you're on the fifth floor!

Isn't life delicious?

- Come on, Maya,
get out of there.

- Woo, quite a party
you got going, Jack.

There's already a
line for the bathroom.

- All right, you've
got two minutes.

- Yes, good, let's
put a clock on it.

- And it better include
the words "I'm sorry."

- Oh, it does.

I'm sorry I went to
the game to have fun.

I'm sorry I have fun, ever.

- And I'm sorry you
care only about yourself.

- Aww!

Oh, that's probably
room service, Jack.

I hope you like prawns.

- It's me!

- Of course it is.

- Don't you worry, Jack.

I'm here to turn that frown
of yours upside-dizzown!

- What?

- Ladies and gentlemen,
put your hands together

and give it up for Too Fine.

- One, two!

♪ Gimme just one
night, una noche

♪ A moment to be by your side

♪ Gimme just one
night, una noche

♪ I'll give you
the time of your life

♪ Gimme just one night

♪ Una noche, senorita

♪ Hooked up like steak fajita

♪ Lips taste like sangria wine

♪ And I feel your jeans
with the silky behind

♪ Check it out, I'm fit

♪ I'm f-f-f-f-fit, say what?

♪ I'm cranky, you're skanky

♪ Let's do some
hanky-panky, check it out

Guys, I'm in the
zone, why'd you stop?

- You are an idiot, man.

That thing's not
even plugged in.

- It's part of a look.

- Because we told
you, no rapping.

- That's what puts the
fannies in the seats.

- Hey, man, you said
Dr. Dre was gonna be here.

- It's early.

The dude don't get up 'til 11.

- The night is young,
and so are you.

I'm Nina Van Horn, and
I can buy you all beer.

- You're fired, and
we're out of here.

- Wait!

You guys, it's Finch, man!

I sewed all your costumes!

- They're my ride, so I gotta...
- Just go.

I'm out of the band, Jack.

- Oh, for God's sakes,
I've had it with all of you!

Yes, you're out of the band,

because the band is
young, muscular and musical,

and you are not!

Now I want all of
you to take your props

and your petty argument...

- Daddy, I came
to you with a crisis!

- Please!

You wanted to talk, he
wanted to watched sports!

Big deal!

50 million other
couples are having

that same argument right now!

- You see, you overreacted.

- And you decided
to run off to a game

the day after I drop a bomb!

- See? It was a bomb!

- Yes, but it was my bomb!

My divorce!

You two guys love each
other, you don't have a bomb!

Don't make my bomb your bomb!

Now, tell her you love her.

- Jack you're not
gonna bully me... Do it.

- I love you.

- Maya?

- I love you, too.

- And did you both mean it?

Then go with that!

The rest is crap.

- Jack, you're such a wise man.

Could you interpret a
troublesome dream I had last night?

- You know,

things were lining up
so nicely this evening.

I had my Scotch, a Cuban cigar,

and the Marx Brothers
on channel five.

I love the Marx Brothers.

They make me laugh.

I wish I was watching
them right now, alone,

laughing.

Well, that covers
a lot of ground.

Say, you cover a lot
of ground, yourself.

You'd better beat it.

I hear they're
gonna tear you down

and put up an office building
where you're standing.

You can leave in a taxi.

If you can't get a taxi,
you can leave in a huff.

If that's too soon, you can
leave in a minute and a huff.

You know, you haven't stopped
talking since I came here?

You must have been vaccinated
with a phonograph needle.

- Just a few minutes ago,
this was backstage at the gig!

- Hit the button, will you?

- Hey, uh, I was just wondering,

have any of you guys
ever seen Duck Soup?

- We can take a hint, Jack.

We're leaving.

- It's just, the Marx
Brothers are even funnier

if you watch with friends.

- Wow.

I think we'd love that.

- You know, Dennis, I
was a little harsh before.

That steak fajita
song was very clever.

- Really?

'Cause I wrote
another one about a guy

who really loves doin' it.

- Maybe during a commercial.

♪ Life keeps
bringing me back to you

♪ Keeps bringing me home

♪ It don't matter
what I wanna do

♪ 'cause it's got
a mind of its own

♪ Life keeps
bringing me back to you