Just Shoot Me! (1997–2003): Season 5, Episode 20 - Sugar Momma - full transcript

Finch becomes a boy toy for a loaded, middle-aged novelist. Nina is asked to co-host the American awards.

- Hey, is Jack around?

- He's in a meeting
with Allison Spencer.

You know, the romance novelist?

Writes all those weepy
books for women?

- You son of a bitch.

- What?

- I can't believe you.

You break into my desk
and you go through my stuff.


I read romance novels,
what's the big deal.

- Dude, chill out.

- No, you chill out.

What are you going to do,
blab it to the whole office?

Tell them all I'm a
woman, I'm a sissy?

I'm not.

I just like a passionate
story, passionately told.

- Super.

Elliot, meet Allison Spencer.

We'll be serializing her
next book in our magazine.


- You really are here.

I just have to say that
I'm a big fan of your books.

- Well, that's very
flattering, thank you.

Considering I write
them for women.

- Goodbye.

- So Allison, any
thoughts on a title yet?

- Oh, either Love on
the Wings of Passion

or Slut Bangers.

I'm kidding.

It's a joke.

It's the first one of course.
- Oh, thank god.

- I love your sense of humor.

So, I'll be sending Dennis
by later this afternoon

to drop off the contract.

- Okay, all right, I'll
see you later then.

Thank you, bu-bye.
- Bye.

- Jeez, you know, that's
all the way up town...

You're not getting a scooter.

- Jack, if you
give me a scooter,

then you could call me Scooter.

- Or better yet, I
could call you Nickels.

- It's Christmas already.

- Big news, very big news.

- Oh, what's going on?

- Why don't you
listen for yourself?

You have two new messages.

Message one.

Nina, Nina, Nina.

- Sorry, that's personal.

Message two.

Here it is.

Nina, it's Kyle
Sullivan over at E.

you got the job.

You're our new
fashion correspondent.

- Oh my gosh, you're
going to be on TV.

- Yeah, I'll be hosting the
American Film Awards Pre-Show.

With Melissa Rivers.

- I thought she
worked with her mom.

- I'll be filling in.

Joan is on Broadway
playing Rizzo in Grease.

- Wow, millions of people
watching one of our own.

This is fantastic news.

Champagne for everyone, Nickels.

- Crap.

- Coming.

Dennis, hi, come on in.
- Hey.

- Hope you weren't
waiting out there too long.

- Oh, no biggie.

Gave me a chance
to review my list of the

most awesome power
ballads of all time.

Journey's Open Arms is still
checking in on number one.

So, here's your contract.

- Thank you.

Hey, before you go.

I got something for you, okay?



- Yeah, yeah.

I wasn't touching anything.

No, that's okay.

Close your eyes.

- Oh, okay.

- Okay, now you can open them.

- Whoa, what's this?

- It's a scooter, for you.

- What, are you kidding?

- No.

I heard you and
Jack talking about it

and I thought, well, it's
my way of saying thank you

for how helpful you've been.

- Can I ring the bell?

- You can do anything you want.

- I want to ring the bell.

- It's yours.

I'm glad you like it.

- I love it.

No one's ever done
anything for me this nice.

I don't know how to thank you.

- Well you could thank
me by staying the night.

- But how would that, oh.


- So what do you think?

- Can I ask you a question?

- Sure.

- Let's say, for whatever
reason, I decided

to just go home and
not spend the night.

Would I leave the
scooter behind?

- I think you would.

- Look at me.

- Oh my god, my
father finally broke down

and bought you a scooter?

- Nope.

What, you actually
bought it yourself?

- Nope.

Allison gave it to me.

- Allison Spencer, why?

- Because I had sex with her.

Check out this bell.

- Get out of here.

- Yeah, I'm going to have
sex with her again tonight

and then I get more stuff.

- Oh my god, you're not kidding.

- Wow, a real sugar mama.

Way to go, man.

- You're high-fiving him?

- Yeah.

- But he basically
just had sex for money.

If he was a woman, you'd
be calling him a prostitute.

- Yeah, but I'm not, I'm a guy.

What, do you want to ride
the scooter or something?

- Is she on yet?

- Any minute.

- You know, I'm proud of Nina.

But of course, without my
help, she wouldn't be on TV.

So really, I'm just proud of me.

Yeah, that sounds right.

- This looks cool.

- Yeah, the thing is, I
want the pinball machine,

but I need the robot cat.

- I can't believe
this sick relationship

is still going on.

It's been two weeks.

- It's not sick.

- It's sex for toys.

- It's much more than that now.

Now I'm getting
trips and dinners.

- Dad, don't you have
anything to say about this?

- Sure.

When I was 27, Agnes
Moorhead kept me

in a bungalow on Cape
Cod for three weeks.

- Dad.

- When I got out of
there, I was exhausted.

But I had enough money
to start a magazine.

Nina's on.

And now, let's kick it over

to Melissa Rivers and
Nina Van Horn at scene.


- Well, thanks Todd,
thanks for kicking it over

to Melissa and me at the scene.

- Well, Nina, every major
A-list celebrity is here

from Streisand to Stalone.

What do you make of the crowd?

- Well Melissa, as fashion
editor of Blush Magazine...

- Atta girl.

- I have to say
that looking around,

low necklines and bad
taste are very much in style.

- Ouch.

- And I ought to know.

After all, I'm from
Blush Magazine.

- Easy.

- There go Tim Robbins
and Susan Sarandon.

Now she is nominated
for that gutsy performance

in A Cause Worth Dying For.

- Well, I'd say it
took a lot more guts

for her to show up
in public in that dress.

Leave it to Susan to make
Vera Wang look very wrong.

- Go, Nina.

- Oh.

And there he is, the man
that's been in all of our prayers.

Evan Garrison, star of the
Fatal Vengeance action movies.

This is his first
appearance since the

tragic motorcycle accident
that left him paralyzed

six months ago.

Listen to this applause.

What a day for Hollywood.

What an inspiration.

- You mean abomination.

- What?

- Get some class, Evan.

The bolo tie went
out before it came in.

And as far as
vengeance is concerned,

your feet should kick
your ass for putting them

in those dreadful shoes.

No, I'd say that tonight
I would like to give

Evan Garrison the
first Van Horn award

for dressing like
a total jackass.

And now, back to you, Melissa.


Did I kick it to
the wrong person?

- That dude's in a wheelchair.

- We know, Dennis.

- Hi everyone.


Morning, Finch.

- Hey, Nina.

- So by the way, do you
know if Jack by any chance

watched television yesterday?

- Yeah, I think he did.

- Oh good, good.

And has he seen the
front page of that rag,

The New York Times?

- Probably, he
reads it every day.

- As he should.

You know, it's smart to keep up.

And how about that angry
mob outside the building?

- He wants to see
you in his office.

- I'm afraid.

- Don't be, it's
going to be okay.

He's not even that mad.


Get in here!

- How can he not be mad?

- Jack, I know
that you're angry.

- I am beyond angry.

- Let me just say one
thing in my defense.

- What?

- He was wearing
pumpkin colored shoes.

- Quiet!

I don't know what I'm
going to do with you.

I have major
advertisers threatening to

pull out of the magazine
if I don't fire you.

- Well, that's a bit of
an extreme reaction.

- Extreme is insulting
a hero to millions

on national television.

- It won't happen again.

- Shut up.

Evan Garrison is holding
a press conference

tomorrow afternoon.

I have been advised
to say nothing until

he has made his statement.

- Jack, I'm sorry,
but I can fix this.

I can turn it around and
make him look like the bad guy.

- You are to do nothing
but sit at your desk.

Don't talk, don't work,
don't move, don't breathe.

- Fine.

I'll just return one
call to Larry King

and then I'm a ghost.

- So, I saw your coworker
on television last night.

Evan Garrison?

Bit of an odd target,
don't you think?

- Legally we're not really
allowed to comment at this time.

- So anyway, as
part of this interview,

I'm required to
ask you some pretty

stupid questions for our


I'm so sorry.

- It can't be that bad.

- Question number one.

Have you ever gone a day
without wearing underwear?

I'm so sorry, I am
better than this.

- No, it's fine.


- Alrighty.

Question two.

- Hey Maya, hey Elliot.

Hey man, what
are you doing here?

- Took a long lunch.

- Nice.

- Dennis, you know what
would be so much fun?

Do the little robot
strong man dance

for Maya and Elliot.
- Oh, I don't know.

They've seen it before.

- Please, come on, for me?

- All right.

- Okay, that's enough.

Now where were we?

- All right, I'm
going to go play.

- Why don't we just start
talking about your writing?

- Good, wonderful.

- Who's your favorite character?

- Oh, Blaine Winston
from Prince of the Desert.

Because he, you know,
he has the snake and he,

he united the tribes.

- I agree, I love Blaine.

He is one of my
favorite characters.

I love all my characters.

You know, it's hard.

Would you shut
that damn thing off?

Get over here.

What did I say about making
noise when I'm working?

- But I thought this
was just an interview.

- What did I say?

- Not to make it.

- And what does that mean?

- It means not to make it.

- Thank you.

Go sit.


I'm so sorry, where were we?

- You were saying how much
you loved your characters.

- Yes, it...

Excuse me.


I'm so sorry.

- Did you have to yell
in front of my friends?

- I'm sorry, let's go talk
about it in the bedroom.

- No.

- Please?

- Okay.

- We'll just be a minute.

- Tell me this isn't sick.

- Okay, it's sick.

- See?

- Yeah but it wasn't
sick at first, just dirty.

But they've warped
it and now it's sick.

- Whatever, we
have to talk to him.

- Okay.

Unless he's in there ending
the relationship right now.

- Hey guys.

We're good again, so
you know, you can cruise.

- Yeah but what
about the interview?

- Yeah, just leave it.

I'll do it with her.

And just tell Jack I'm sick.

Countdown to launch, baby.

Three, two, one, look out.

Jump, Dennis.

Really high, yes.

- Can I talk to you?

- No time, Allison's
on her way up.

She's taking me to dinner.

- Actually, it's
kind of about her.

I'm not sure this
relationship is healthy.

- Look at this
collage I made her.

It's about us.

- Yeah.

- See?



Future, question mark.

- Maya.

- Rocket game, that's
kind of a personal one.

- You talk to him yet?

- He made a collage.

- Oh my god.

This is all your fault.

- Why is it my fault?

- You high-fived him.

- Hey, I see a hand, I slap it.

That's who I am.

- I know Allison and I
started out kind of weird.

But it's really good now.

- What are you talking about?

She berated you for no
reason, right in front of us.

- Look, yesterday was a bad day.

Every couple has those.

- You're not a couple.

- Oh really, then why are
we going to dinner tonight?

With her friends.

Isn't that what couples do?

She still gives things to me,

but now she does it
because she likes me,

not because of the rocket game.

Oh, I gave that away.

- Fine, tell her no
rocket game tonight.

- What, stop the launch?

- Yes, because then
you'll see what kind

of relationship you really have.

- Fine, but I think I'll find
out what I already know.

That it's awesome and fun.

- Hello, all.

- Hey.
- Ah, hey.

- Dennis, baby, I want you
to meet my friend, Donna.

- Hello.

- It's nice to meet you.

- Thank you.

Any friend of yours
is a friend of mine.

- So you ready?

- Yeah, but can I talk to
you for one second alone?

- Sure.

Is it about the G-string again?

- No, but you were right.

I had it on backwards.

- What is it then?

- I just thought, do
you mind that tonight,

just once, we don't
sleep together?

- No, that'd be fine.

- Really?

Of course.

- Okay.

- Dennis, what's wrong?

- You know what, nothing.

Nothing's wrong.

In fact, everything's
just great.

- And besides, I want
you to have sex with

my friend Donna tonight.

- What?

- It's her birthday and
she's been kind of down.

You know, I think it'd
be a great gift for her.

- You are unbelievable.

- It's just for tonight.

You can come back tomorrow.

Maybe I'll even get you
that little metal doggie.


- It's a robot cat.

Don't you ever listen to me?

- Would you please calm down?

You're causing a scene.

- I will not calm down.

I'm not some
object for you to give

to your friends as a present.

I'm a real boy
with real feelings.

- I find this side of
you very unattractive.

- Yeah, well guess
what, sweetheart?

I just found a little
something called self-respect.

And I'm not for sale anymore.

- Fine.

Let's go, Donna.

- Good.

- You know, Dennis.

Most relationships are
complicated and messy.

This was simple.

We both got what we wanted.

But you got greedy.

And greedy boys
finish last and alone.

Goodbye, greedy boy.

- She is a monster.

- Way to go, buddy, you did it.

- Yeah, yeah.

All right, I'll have
sex with Donna.

What are you doing?

- I don't want to be
a lonely, greedy boy.

Hi, look what I can do.

- Hey, what's going on?

- Evan Garrison's press
conference is about to start

and I want everybody here.

Where's Dennis?

- He's in Cape Cod.

- God bless him.

And Nina, where's Nina?

- Starting.

- Oh.

- If you could all
please settle down.

I'm just going to
make a brief statement.

As you know, last night at
the American Film Awards,

Nina Van Horn made
some disparaging comments

about my wardrobe.

Since then, there's been...
- Wait!


I'm Nina Van Horn
from Blush Magazine.

- Guardian angel, I
command you to stop this.

- There's something
that I have to get,

why would you wear
those shoes again?

- Ms. Van Horn, please...

- Look, Mr. Garrison, you
are a national treasure.

And I just want to
apologize because

you are beyond criticism.

You know, you are an
inspiration to all of us.

- I am so tired of
that inspiration stuff.

- What?

- You have nothing
to apologize for.

In fact, I came
here to thank you.

You're the one person
whose been able to

look past my disability.

All you did was treat
me like any other celebrity

at that award show.

- I done good?

- What I mean is, that
the press coverage,

the protests, the
news, it's crazy.

All you did was
criticize my shoes.

- To be fair, it was
the whole ensemble.

- Now see, here's
where she should stop.

- What I mean is, what
you did was no worse

than if I said your
shoes were unattractive.

- My shoes?

- Yeah, you know,
or if I said your blouse

was a bad color for you.

- What, now it's my blouse?

- No, that's not what I mean.

- Since when am I on trial?

- My point is,
they're just clothes.

- Hey, look.

I came down here to apologize.

I did not come down
here to be insulted by you.

- No, I was just
giving you an example.

I like your clothes.

- Well then, why did
you make fun of them?

- I didn't.

- Liar, everyone here heard you.

- What's going on here?

- I'll tell you what's going on.

I'll tell you what's going on.

You insulted me which means
you insulted Blush Magazine,

which really means
you insulted Jack Gallo.

Well, listen to me, mister.

You are in for the
fight of your life

because he will bury you.

Oh yeah, he's going
to bury your ass.

- Look, we'll do
a farewell issue,

then go our separate ways.

♪ Life keeps
bringing me back to you

♪ Keeps bringing me home

♪ It don't matter
what I want to do

♪ It's got a mind of its own

♪ Life keeps
bringing me back to you